Fic: When the Music Stops - Best I Ever Had ( 10/?, Drake & Josh, NC-17, Drake/Josh )
Title: When The Music Stops
Chapter: 10/?
Series: Drake & Josh
Author: dancinbutterfly
Pairing: Drake/Josh
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Slashy stepbrothers.
Disclaimer: I don't own Drake & Josh or Drake or Josh. *sigh* Sad. I do not own any of the lyrics used either. I just have them on my ipod. I own all original characters though.
A/N: Sorry for the delays guys. Also, if I havent responded to your comment on Chapter 9, please be patient. I will as soon as I can but I thought you guys might want a new chapter more.
Dedications: This is for the usual suspects. You ten odd readers who review EVERY time, I love you dearly and this story is totally and completely for you guys.
Beta: Faithfully assisted by guest_age
Feedback: Pretty please? Its a new fandom to me and I want to know what you all think.
Summary: Music or medicine, Drake and Josh have many skills. After ten years of estrangement, they've learned a few things about those skills. Taking care of himself isn't one of Drake's. Letting go of Drake isn't one of Josh's.
All chapters here
Chapter 10: Best I Ever Had(Grey Sky Morning)
Nothing's quite the same now, I just say your name now but it's not so bad you're only the best I ever had. You don't want me back. You're just the best I ever had.
Josh had a moment of complete disorientation, waking up in the dark in Sam’s arms. It was like a time vortex where the last 18 months, from the break up all the way to Annamaria, hadn’t happened. And then the fog of sleep faded, and waking up in his bed with Sam slid neatly onto Josh’s “Top Five Most Painful Moments Ever” list. It came in fourth, pushing out that involuntary chemical bath on his 16th birthday and knocking Papa Nichols’s death down to fifth.
Josh closed his eyes tightly and buried his face in Sam’s shoulder, and wished that he could just go back to sleep and never wake up. Because this was like home, and when Sam woke up, he’d leave again, and Josh would be homeless in his own apartment.
But the hand in his hair told him that, as per usual, wishing accomplished absolutely nothing.
“Josh?”
Josh was not going to cry. He was more than thirty years old, damn it. He was an adult, one who had just weathered a reconnection with Drake and the death of one of his favorite patients without snapping, and he was not going to cry just because of the way Sam McKenna said his name. He wasn’t.
Sam’s hand was bigger than his. Sam was bigger than he was in most ways. When they were still together, Josh used to joke that he was lucky he had that extra inch, or he’d never measure up to Sam.
It wasn’t so funny anymore. Not when Sam caught his chin and pulled it up.
“Josh, damn it, hey. Talk to me. You could always talk to me.”
“But you left,” Josh mumbled.
Sam’s blue eyes darkened with sadness. “Yeah. But I didn’t stop loving you.”
“But you left,” Josh choked. “I forgot how to live without you, and then you left me.”
“Jesus, baby,” Sam mumbled. “I didn’t want to hurt you. But I couldn’t stay. I can’t stay with you, you know that.”
“No, I don’t.”
Sam sighed and ran the back of his hand over the side of Josh’s face. It was familiar. It was intimate. It was eight years of sense memories packed into one touch. Josh shuddered and wished that for once in his life, he could get a second shot. He wanted things to work, just this once. But Sam’s face, open like a book, told him that he wasn’t going to get what he wanted.
“Yeah, you do. This whole thing, with Drake, you should have done this the day I left.”
“What, flown a quarter of the way around the world to yell at him for being a freaking moron?”
“Yes,” Sam said softly. “Yes, you should have. Damn it, Josh, don’t you get why this hurts you?”
Josh sighed and pulled himself up to rest his head on pillow. “Because I’m in bed with the love of my life, and I know you’re going to get up and leave again?”
Sam laughed, one short chuckle as he cast his eyes up at the ceiling. “Josh, if I were the love of your life, I would never get up.” He laughed again, the sound sadder than any sob, and gave Josh a smile.
“Sam, you are.”
“No, baby. No, I’m not.” Josh watched Sam lick his lips and thought seriously about kissing him, fuck the year and a half of space that stretched cold and empty between the last time and this moment.
“I love you,” Josh hissed, his throat aching. “I haven’t stopped loving you. Not even for a minute.”
“Me either,” Sam said softly. “And I missed the hell out of you. I miss making you laugh and talking to you. I’ve almost called you so many times before today.”
“Then why?” Josh asked, desperate. “If you love me, if you still love me, then why? I don’t understand why you all keep leaving me?”
Sam pushed his tongue between his teeth and let out a short burst of air before biting his lower lip. He was so freaking beautiful it actually hurt to look at him. But Josh couldn’t look away from his mouth as he spoke.
“You just said it, baby. You all. That’s why, Josh. Because it’s not about me. It’s never been about me, even from the beginning. I tried to tell you this when I left, but you just wouldn’t listen.”
“Yes, it is. Since the day we met, Sam it’s been about you for me.”
Sam’s hand had migrated and was now stroking the side of his neck, up and down, up and down. “Do you remember what you told me the first time we made love?”
“That you were beautiful?”
Sam gave him that smile, the one Josh had fallen in love with almost ten years ago. “You said that, but also told me that you had lost everything. Everything, Josh. That’s what you said. I tried for eight years, but how do you compete with everything?”
“Eight years, Sam,” Josh hissed. He’d dreamed of a life in those eight years. He’d dreamed of marriage and all the conventional, boring things that his dad and Audrey had shared, like a home, a family, and a future. And Sam’s words now felt like every bit the insult they had been when he walked out the door months ago. “I gave you all of me for eight years. Drake had eight hours. You were my everything, Sam. You.”
“Drake had more than eight hours. He had your entire childhood. You’re the man I know and love because of him.”
“But I would have given you my whole life!” Josh shouted, shocking himself but not Sam. Sam just held that steady gaze and Josh flushed, his voice dropping to a hushed whisper. “I…I would. I still would.”
“I know,” Sam said gently. “But you’re haunted, Josh. You’ve been haunted for ten years and your ghost isn’t even dead. You jumped when he came on TV or you heard him on the radio or you saw his picture on the newsstands every single time, because he never let go of you. And I could live with it. I did. But I look at you now, and I think about what you went through in LA seeing him again, and I know that I did the best thing for you and for me. Because I love you, God, I love you so fucking much. But I’ll never haunt you like he does.”
“You broke me.”
Sam sighed heavily. “You’re not broken, baby.”
“I was,” Josh said softly. “After Drake, I was broken and you fixed me, and then you broke me again.”
“You fixed yourself,” Sam said warmly. “You just needed someone to convince you could.”
“Sam I can’t-“
“Stop it, Josh,” Sam said sharply, cutting him off. “Just stop okay? Because I’m not going to listen to you talk yourself into stupid things. You do it all the time, and it’s one of the only things about being with you that I don’t miss.”
“It’s not stupid.”
“God, yes it is. You’re strong and you’re smart and you’re giving, and I love you. I know you love me too, Josh, but I’m not your answer.”
“You don’t even know what the question is,” Josh muttered angrily.
“Yes, I do. And so do you.”
Josh didn’t want to talk anymore. It made his heart hurt and his head ache, and Sam was so close he could reach out and touch him. So he did.
~*~*~
And it may take some time to patch me up inside. But I can't take it so I run away and hide. And I may find in time that you were always right. You're always right.
Drake was his first time, but Sam was his first lover. There wasn’t enough time to learn with Drake. Just one desperate encounter that shaped Josh’s life, but left him lacking.
On the other hand, everything Josh knew about sex he’d learned with Sam. He’d barely managed to maintain his 4.0 the first semester he and Sam were together. It was hard to focus on the endocrine system when you know that there was six feet of blond, muscular undergrad waiting for you. Possibly naked.
He’d cut class, he’d slept late, and he’d been the very thing he hadn’t been in high school and undergraduate school-irresponsible. And God, he so hadn’t cared. Not even a little, because he’d been in love. The new kind, the kind he’d sort of shared with in high school Mindy, and never had with Drake. The kind of love that was bright and shiny and made you want to hug strangers on the street because you were getting laid, regularly, and life was so freaking great that you just wanted to share that with everyone.
Sam had taught him to trust himself enough to be wild, to be out of control, to receive instead of give all the time. Josh knew Sam had more experience than he did. He knew that going in, and he’d been a little nervous at first, but not anymore.
Because as much as the first few months of bright passion could energize, eight years of familiarity bred the kind of knowledge that couldn’t be learned in one night. Like that Sam was ticklish on the backs of his calves but not on his sides, or that he had a thing for hair pulling, or that he liked Josh’s left hand more than his right. Where to touch and how hard had been refined to the point where if Josh wanted to, he could make it end in minutes. Or hours.
It was comforting to realize that a more than a year apart hadn’t changed that. If anything, it made everything that much more intense.
Josh gasped and his head dropped back. Sam’s arm locked around his back to keep him from falling backwards. He locked his legs around Sam’s lower back and placed a hand on Sam’s bent knee to keep himself sitting up right as they moved together. It felt so freaking good that Josh almost couldn’t think.
Making love with Sam was amazing, yes, but it always was. This time Josh couldn’t just let go because of the heartbreaking reality. This would probably be the last time they did this. Ever.
There was something final in the way Sam kissed him, touched him, that hadn’t been there when they broke up. This was a gift, another chance, but it was also a goodbye. So Josh left marks, digging in with his teeth and fingernails, because Sam would remember this. Sam would remember him.
Josh watched Sam break. His face twisted with pleasure and Josh’s heart shattered along with his control. He crashed back to himself almost violently, unable to look at Sam and already climbing out of his lap. But Sam wasn’t having it.
“Josh, damn it,” Sam hissed in his ear as he pulled him close, “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
Josh sighed and dropped his forehead to Sam’s bare shoulder. “What ever is?”
“I mean it, Josh. I just wanted to help you.”
“I know.”
“This makes things harder.”
“I know.”
“Josh,” Sam sighed into his hair. “You make me weak.”
Josh laughed sadly and kept his eyes locked on the freckle on Sam’s chest, all his will focused on not moving his head down and kissing it. He’d named that freckle Mr. Spackle. He’d named all of Sam’s freckles in his head. God, he was pathetic.
“Baby, I didn’t…I didn’t want you to hurt more.”
“I kissed you, Sam.”
“Yeah, but I kissed you back. I told you no, and then I jumped you.”
How the hell Sam got to be this good, Josh had no idea. And he figured that was probably why he wasn’t with him anymore. He was too fucking good for Josh. He was too good for anyone, really.
“I jumped you back.”
Sam laughed and held him tighter. “If I could, I’d spend my life with you Josh.”
Josh looked up and into this blue eyes. He felt like he was drowning in them. “Then do.”
Sam shook his head. “I’m not who you’re made for, Josh. I mean, I’ve got your heart.” He smiled at Josh, all the way up to his eyes, but so sad. “I know I’ve got your love. I never doubted that, not for a second. But Drake’s got your soul, Josh. He always has and you have to deal with that. Because I don’t make you whole, and I’ll never be something you miss like a part of you.”
“That’s not true. I’ve missed you like a limb.”
Sam blinked, his eyes bright with unshed tears. “Yeah, but you don’t think about me all the time anymore, do you?”
Josh opened his mouth to protest, but lately days had gone by with out Sam popping into his mind. He used to, but time was a great healer.
“He pops up all the time, Josh. Even when we were together. And when we saw him? You were this other person around him. And I’m not saying it’s a good person, because you hurt so bad it was tangible when he was there. But the hurt never got any less.” Sam blinked again and a tear slipped free and rolled down the side of his handsome face. “I faded, but he never will.”
Josh’s lips trembled. “Sam…”
“It’s okay,” Sam said softly, shrugging off the tears like they didn’t matter. He just shook his head slightly like Josh didn’t want to disembowel himself because Sam was in pain. He watched as Sam’s teeth worried his lips, still red from their frantic kisses, before speaking.
“This is why I left. And if he hadn’t done this to himself, I’d probably have stayed gone. But he’s going to kill himself, Josh. Anyone with a brain can see that he’s following in Cobain’s footsteps.”
Josh couldn’t keep his hands of Sam’s face. He couldn’t most of the time anyway, but the tear tracks were like a special torture.
“Sam, come on.”
Sam shook his head and caught Josh’s hand, pulling it away from his face. “I’m serious.”
“Kurt Cobain wanted to hurt himself,” Josh said softly. “Drake is just stupid.”
“Yeah, but also he’s tired, Josh. He’s tired, he feels guilty as hell, and he’s given up. He has for a long time now, and if you think that he doesn’t want to hurt himself at least a little, you’re not paying attention.”
Josh laughed. “How do you even know that? How can you say that, when ten minutes ago you were inside me?”
“Because I love all of you, Josh. And Drake Parker, as much as I hate him for what he’s done to you, is a vital part of you that’s been missing for ten years. So if you love me, you have to take care of yourself. And you can’t do that without him.”
Josh sighed heavily and rested his head on Sam’s shoulder again.
“You’re going to go back to California, right?”
Of course he was because Sam was right. He hated the way Sam was right all the time.
Josh wrapped his arms tighter around Sam and let out a deep breath. The he laughed. “Screw you.”
“No, fuck you,” Sam said warmly. “Oh wait.”
Josh poked him gently in the side and sighed.
Sam chuckled softly and nuzzled his ear. “This is the way things are supposed to be. You’ve known that since you were a kid. ”
“I don’t have to like it,” Josh muttered.
“No. You don’t. But you’re going to be okay, baby. I can’t be with you like we were before, but I’m here if you need me. I don’t think I can handle not being at least you friend anymore.”
“You promise?”
“Yeah,” Sam breathed. “Yeah, I promise.”
To Be Continued... here
Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning) by Vertical Horizon
So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring
Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had
So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely
Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had
And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right
So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring
What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had
The best I ever
Chapter: 10/?
Series: Drake & Josh
Author: dancinbutterfly
Pairing: Drake/Josh
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Slashy stepbrothers.
Disclaimer: I don't own Drake & Josh or Drake or Josh. *sigh* Sad. I do not own any of the lyrics used either. I just have them on my ipod. I own all original characters though.
A/N: Sorry for the delays guys. Also, if I havent responded to your comment on Chapter 9, please be patient. I will as soon as I can but I thought you guys might want a new chapter more.
Dedications: This is for the usual suspects. You ten odd readers who review EVERY time, I love you dearly and this story is totally and completely for you guys.
Beta: Faithfully assisted by guest_age
Feedback: Pretty please? Its a new fandom to me and I want to know what you all think.
Summary: Music or medicine, Drake and Josh have many skills. After ten years of estrangement, they've learned a few things about those skills. Taking care of himself isn't one of Drake's. Letting go of Drake isn't one of Josh's.
All chapters here
Chapter 10: Best I Ever Had(Grey Sky Morning)
Nothing's quite the same now, I just say your name now but it's not so bad you're only the best I ever had. You don't want me back. You're just the best I ever had.
Josh had a moment of complete disorientation, waking up in the dark in Sam’s arms. It was like a time vortex where the last 18 months, from the break up all the way to Annamaria, hadn’t happened. And then the fog of sleep faded, and waking up in his bed with Sam slid neatly onto Josh’s “Top Five Most Painful Moments Ever” list. It came in fourth, pushing out that involuntary chemical bath on his 16th birthday and knocking Papa Nichols’s death down to fifth.
Josh closed his eyes tightly and buried his face in Sam’s shoulder, and wished that he could just go back to sleep and never wake up. Because this was like home, and when Sam woke up, he’d leave again, and Josh would be homeless in his own apartment.
But the hand in his hair told him that, as per usual, wishing accomplished absolutely nothing.
“Josh?”
Josh was not going to cry. He was more than thirty years old, damn it. He was an adult, one who had just weathered a reconnection with Drake and the death of one of his favorite patients without snapping, and he was not going to cry just because of the way Sam McKenna said his name. He wasn’t.
Sam’s hand was bigger than his. Sam was bigger than he was in most ways. When they were still together, Josh used to joke that he was lucky he had that extra inch, or he’d never measure up to Sam.
It wasn’t so funny anymore. Not when Sam caught his chin and pulled it up.
“Josh, damn it, hey. Talk to me. You could always talk to me.”
“But you left,” Josh mumbled.
Sam’s blue eyes darkened with sadness. “Yeah. But I didn’t stop loving you.”
“But you left,” Josh choked. “I forgot how to live without you, and then you left me.”
“Jesus, baby,” Sam mumbled. “I didn’t want to hurt you. But I couldn’t stay. I can’t stay with you, you know that.”
“No, I don’t.”
Sam sighed and ran the back of his hand over the side of Josh’s face. It was familiar. It was intimate. It was eight years of sense memories packed into one touch. Josh shuddered and wished that for once in his life, he could get a second shot. He wanted things to work, just this once. But Sam’s face, open like a book, told him that he wasn’t going to get what he wanted.
“Yeah, you do. This whole thing, with Drake, you should have done this the day I left.”
“What, flown a quarter of the way around the world to yell at him for being a freaking moron?”
“Yes,” Sam said softly. “Yes, you should have. Damn it, Josh, don’t you get why this hurts you?”
Josh sighed and pulled himself up to rest his head on pillow. “Because I’m in bed with the love of my life, and I know you’re going to get up and leave again?”
Sam laughed, one short chuckle as he cast his eyes up at the ceiling. “Josh, if I were the love of your life, I would never get up.” He laughed again, the sound sadder than any sob, and gave Josh a smile.
“Sam, you are.”
“No, baby. No, I’m not.” Josh watched Sam lick his lips and thought seriously about kissing him, fuck the year and a half of space that stretched cold and empty between the last time and this moment.
“I love you,” Josh hissed, his throat aching. “I haven’t stopped loving you. Not even for a minute.”
“Me either,” Sam said softly. “And I missed the hell out of you. I miss making you laugh and talking to you. I’ve almost called you so many times before today.”
“Then why?” Josh asked, desperate. “If you love me, if you still love me, then why? I don’t understand why you all keep leaving me?”
Sam pushed his tongue between his teeth and let out a short burst of air before biting his lower lip. He was so freaking beautiful it actually hurt to look at him. But Josh couldn’t look away from his mouth as he spoke.
“You just said it, baby. You all. That’s why, Josh. Because it’s not about me. It’s never been about me, even from the beginning. I tried to tell you this when I left, but you just wouldn’t listen.”
“Yes, it is. Since the day we met, Sam it’s been about you for me.”
Sam’s hand had migrated and was now stroking the side of his neck, up and down, up and down. “Do you remember what you told me the first time we made love?”
“That you were beautiful?”
Sam gave him that smile, the one Josh had fallen in love with almost ten years ago. “You said that, but also told me that you had lost everything. Everything, Josh. That’s what you said. I tried for eight years, but how do you compete with everything?”
“Eight years, Sam,” Josh hissed. He’d dreamed of a life in those eight years. He’d dreamed of marriage and all the conventional, boring things that his dad and Audrey had shared, like a home, a family, and a future. And Sam’s words now felt like every bit the insult they had been when he walked out the door months ago. “I gave you all of me for eight years. Drake had eight hours. You were my everything, Sam. You.”
“Drake had more than eight hours. He had your entire childhood. You’re the man I know and love because of him.”
“But I would have given you my whole life!” Josh shouted, shocking himself but not Sam. Sam just held that steady gaze and Josh flushed, his voice dropping to a hushed whisper. “I…I would. I still would.”
“I know,” Sam said gently. “But you’re haunted, Josh. You’ve been haunted for ten years and your ghost isn’t even dead. You jumped when he came on TV or you heard him on the radio or you saw his picture on the newsstands every single time, because he never let go of you. And I could live with it. I did. But I look at you now, and I think about what you went through in LA seeing him again, and I know that I did the best thing for you and for me. Because I love you, God, I love you so fucking much. But I’ll never haunt you like he does.”
“You broke me.”
Sam sighed heavily. “You’re not broken, baby.”
“I was,” Josh said softly. “After Drake, I was broken and you fixed me, and then you broke me again.”
“You fixed yourself,” Sam said warmly. “You just needed someone to convince you could.”
“Sam I can’t-“
“Stop it, Josh,” Sam said sharply, cutting him off. “Just stop okay? Because I’m not going to listen to you talk yourself into stupid things. You do it all the time, and it’s one of the only things about being with you that I don’t miss.”
“It’s not stupid.”
“God, yes it is. You’re strong and you’re smart and you’re giving, and I love you. I know you love me too, Josh, but I’m not your answer.”
“You don’t even know what the question is,” Josh muttered angrily.
“Yes, I do. And so do you.”
Josh didn’t want to talk anymore. It made his heart hurt and his head ache, and Sam was so close he could reach out and touch him. So he did.
~*~*~
And it may take some time to patch me up inside. But I can't take it so I run away and hide. And I may find in time that you were always right. You're always right.
Drake was his first time, but Sam was his first lover. There wasn’t enough time to learn with Drake. Just one desperate encounter that shaped Josh’s life, but left him lacking.
On the other hand, everything Josh knew about sex he’d learned with Sam. He’d barely managed to maintain his 4.0 the first semester he and Sam were together. It was hard to focus on the endocrine system when you know that there was six feet of blond, muscular undergrad waiting for you. Possibly naked.
He’d cut class, he’d slept late, and he’d been the very thing he hadn’t been in high school and undergraduate school-irresponsible. And God, he so hadn’t cared. Not even a little, because he’d been in love. The new kind, the kind he’d sort of shared with in high school Mindy, and never had with Drake. The kind of love that was bright and shiny and made you want to hug strangers on the street because you were getting laid, regularly, and life was so freaking great that you just wanted to share that with everyone.
Sam had taught him to trust himself enough to be wild, to be out of control, to receive instead of give all the time. Josh knew Sam had more experience than he did. He knew that going in, and he’d been a little nervous at first, but not anymore.
Because as much as the first few months of bright passion could energize, eight years of familiarity bred the kind of knowledge that couldn’t be learned in one night. Like that Sam was ticklish on the backs of his calves but not on his sides, or that he had a thing for hair pulling, or that he liked Josh’s left hand more than his right. Where to touch and how hard had been refined to the point where if Josh wanted to, he could make it end in minutes. Or hours.
It was comforting to realize that a more than a year apart hadn’t changed that. If anything, it made everything that much more intense.
Josh gasped and his head dropped back. Sam’s arm locked around his back to keep him from falling backwards. He locked his legs around Sam’s lower back and placed a hand on Sam’s bent knee to keep himself sitting up right as they moved together. It felt so freaking good that Josh almost couldn’t think.
Making love with Sam was amazing, yes, but it always was. This time Josh couldn’t just let go because of the heartbreaking reality. This would probably be the last time they did this. Ever.
There was something final in the way Sam kissed him, touched him, that hadn’t been there when they broke up. This was a gift, another chance, but it was also a goodbye. So Josh left marks, digging in with his teeth and fingernails, because Sam would remember this. Sam would remember him.
Josh watched Sam break. His face twisted with pleasure and Josh’s heart shattered along with his control. He crashed back to himself almost violently, unable to look at Sam and already climbing out of his lap. But Sam wasn’t having it.
“Josh, damn it,” Sam hissed in his ear as he pulled him close, “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
Josh sighed and dropped his forehead to Sam’s bare shoulder. “What ever is?”
“I mean it, Josh. I just wanted to help you.”
“I know.”
“This makes things harder.”
“I know.”
“Josh,” Sam sighed into his hair. “You make me weak.”
Josh laughed sadly and kept his eyes locked on the freckle on Sam’s chest, all his will focused on not moving his head down and kissing it. He’d named that freckle Mr. Spackle. He’d named all of Sam’s freckles in his head. God, he was pathetic.
“Baby, I didn’t…I didn’t want you to hurt more.”
“I kissed you, Sam.”
“Yeah, but I kissed you back. I told you no, and then I jumped you.”
How the hell Sam got to be this good, Josh had no idea. And he figured that was probably why he wasn’t with him anymore. He was too fucking good for Josh. He was too good for anyone, really.
“I jumped you back.”
Sam laughed and held him tighter. “If I could, I’d spend my life with you Josh.”
Josh looked up and into this blue eyes. He felt like he was drowning in them. “Then do.”
Sam shook his head. “I’m not who you’re made for, Josh. I mean, I’ve got your heart.” He smiled at Josh, all the way up to his eyes, but so sad. “I know I’ve got your love. I never doubted that, not for a second. But Drake’s got your soul, Josh. He always has and you have to deal with that. Because I don’t make you whole, and I’ll never be something you miss like a part of you.”
“That’s not true. I’ve missed you like a limb.”
Sam blinked, his eyes bright with unshed tears. “Yeah, but you don’t think about me all the time anymore, do you?”
Josh opened his mouth to protest, but lately days had gone by with out Sam popping into his mind. He used to, but time was a great healer.
“He pops up all the time, Josh. Even when we were together. And when we saw him? You were this other person around him. And I’m not saying it’s a good person, because you hurt so bad it was tangible when he was there. But the hurt never got any less.” Sam blinked again and a tear slipped free and rolled down the side of his handsome face. “I faded, but he never will.”
Josh’s lips trembled. “Sam…”
“It’s okay,” Sam said softly, shrugging off the tears like they didn’t matter. He just shook his head slightly like Josh didn’t want to disembowel himself because Sam was in pain. He watched as Sam’s teeth worried his lips, still red from their frantic kisses, before speaking.
“This is why I left. And if he hadn’t done this to himself, I’d probably have stayed gone. But he’s going to kill himself, Josh. Anyone with a brain can see that he’s following in Cobain’s footsteps.”
Josh couldn’t keep his hands of Sam’s face. He couldn’t most of the time anyway, but the tear tracks were like a special torture.
“Sam, come on.”
Sam shook his head and caught Josh’s hand, pulling it away from his face. “I’m serious.”
“Kurt Cobain wanted to hurt himself,” Josh said softly. “Drake is just stupid.”
“Yeah, but also he’s tired, Josh. He’s tired, he feels guilty as hell, and he’s given up. He has for a long time now, and if you think that he doesn’t want to hurt himself at least a little, you’re not paying attention.”
Josh laughed. “How do you even know that? How can you say that, when ten minutes ago you were inside me?”
“Because I love all of you, Josh. And Drake Parker, as much as I hate him for what he’s done to you, is a vital part of you that’s been missing for ten years. So if you love me, you have to take care of yourself. And you can’t do that without him.”
Josh sighed heavily and rested his head on Sam’s shoulder again.
“You’re going to go back to California, right?”
Of course he was because Sam was right. He hated the way Sam was right all the time.
Josh wrapped his arms tighter around Sam and let out a deep breath. The he laughed. “Screw you.”
“No, fuck you,” Sam said warmly. “Oh wait.”
Josh poked him gently in the side and sighed.
Sam chuckled softly and nuzzled his ear. “This is the way things are supposed to be. You’ve known that since you were a kid. ”
“I don’t have to like it,” Josh muttered.
“No. You don’t. But you’re going to be okay, baby. I can’t be with you like we were before, but I’m here if you need me. I don’t think I can handle not being at least you friend anymore.”
“You promise?”
“Yeah,” Sam breathed. “Yeah, I promise.”
To Be Continued... here
Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning) by Vertical Horizon
So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring
Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had
So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely
Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had
And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right
So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring
What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had
The best I ever