roll the dodos in with the edit wagonbardiphoukaDecember 21 2011, 00:16:38 UTC
To be honest I liked your take on this week's prompt. It was almost like a concrete poem, but with just an occasional hint of it being more than strict geology. I do like that.
I also appreciated the punctuation btw. To me it gives the piece that little extra kick of power.
A few points for you to consider, or not.
Beneath the layers at first seen, dirt and clay and rock. Going deeper, laying unseen.
I know it is wrong, but people who read a lot of poetry tend to have certain preconceptions. As an example..this triplet. Because there is a rhyme there..seen/unseen, the mind automatically tries to find the foot, which is not there. I would try adjusting the first line, which is a bit problematic anyway. Perhaps something like.."Beneath the layers seen at first" It takes away the preconception of metric alignment but also plays on another preconception, that internal rhymes mean mystery.
Hot clouds of ash and smoke and steam. Certain death, it would seem.Again I would just rearrange the words a bit..perhaps inverting the
( ... )
Huh! I am supposed to Roar... well maybe I am - with pleasure. Not only did I really enjoy the prompt-take here. (was tempted to do the same sort of thing - just is SOOOO isn't it?) But it was a really picturing prose/poem - I'm not sure whether that is correct. I can't write that sort so easily, have this awful propensity to rhyme..but you have escaped that (except in those VERY telling points Bardi has made about the 'expectation of a 'foot' in his edit').
So I REALLY did like it.. am going to try and write more of that ilk. and I loved the 'Easing' 'Easing' making it sound like regaining one's breath after violent storm of exercise. Smashing!!!
and I am taking Bardi's edit to heart as well. He does speak such TRUTH to us.. Thanks so much for this.
Have a happy happy time this Hols and come back all wild to write again!!! Looking forward to our Reunion - are you? Bless you danceintheabyss with love, Blue.
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I also appreciated the punctuation btw. To me it gives the piece that little extra kick of power.
A few points for you to consider, or not.
Beneath the layers at first seen,
dirt and clay and rock.
Going deeper, laying unseen.
I know it is wrong, but people who read a lot of poetry tend to have certain preconceptions. As an example..this triplet. Because there is a rhyme there..seen/unseen, the mind automatically tries to find the foot, which is not there. I would try adjusting the first line, which is a bit problematic anyway. Perhaps something like.."Beneath the layers seen at first" It takes away the preconception of metric alignment but also plays on another preconception, that internal rhymes mean mystery.
Hot clouds of ash and smoke and steam.
Certain death, it would seem.Again I would just rearrange the words a bit..perhaps inverting the ( ... )
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So I REALLY did like it.. am going to try and write more of that ilk.
and I loved the 'Easing' 'Easing' making it sound like regaining one's breath after violent storm of exercise. Smashing!!!
and I am taking Bardi's edit to heart as well. He does speak such TRUTH to us.. Thanks so much for this.
Have a happy happy time this Hols and come back all wild to write again!!! Looking forward to our Reunion - are you? Bless you danceintheabyss with love, Blue.
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