The Sacrifices for Attention
Member: Kevin
Rating: PG-13
Summary: For the attention he desires and the validation he needs, silencing everyone else is only a necessary thing.
The harsh beams of stage lights poured over our figures and lit our perfectly made up faces. A packed crowd was position directly opposite from us. It was filled with girls ranging from middle school aged to their grandmothers, but I would still seek out the single digit number of male fans that had come. When the MC would ask a familiar question, we would answer in broken Japanese, pretending that we knew half of the things they were talking about. Even as our answers had been perfectly conjured beforehand by someone from the company, the people in front of us would eat them up as if they were the words of god himself.
"So Kevin, you've never had a girlfriend before?"
I felt every pair of eyes in the area become fixated on me. Once again, I was commanding the attention that I so desperately loved.
Smiling widely and feigning shyness, I answered,"Ah, no I haven't dated before."
The other members all looked amused as they tried to indiscreetly tease me.
"I think he's just too perfect, no one else can really match up to him," Eli said next to me as he squeezed my arm. The audience laughed and seem to buzz with agreement at his comment.
Even as the MC moved onto the next topic, I knew the spotlight was still lingering on me. What Eli had said was true. At the age of 21, or I guess it would be 22 in Korean age, it seemed strange that I had no desire to date. I knew my preferences weren't exactly appreciated here, but even then it seemed like dating would only diminish the amount of gazes that could follow me. Why would I want to make myself exclusive to one person when I could belong to the world?
Through the rest of the interview, I entertained the half of the audience that was still focused on my every move. I laughed at every remark, smile widely, and occasionally swept my bangs to the side. There's always a sense of satisfaction in knowing that my smallest act was being absorbed by the people watching me.
Afterward, we preformed our latest single. The powerful choreography and heavy beat consumed us as we engaged the universe for that moment of time. With our every movement perfectly in sync with each other, the crowd became mesmerized by the element that U-KISS was famous for.
Then it was my turn. I shifted into being Kevin Woo: the main vocalist, the visuals, the center, the most important member. In almost every song we had, I dominated the chorus. This one was no exception. As I preformed, my perfectly rehearsed expressions claimed the camera and smothered the ones observing me. A rush of adrenaline wired its way through my body, fueling my already heightened exhilaration. The attention, the recognition, and the acknowledgment I received, dragged me into a state of intoxication.
My awareness of reality began to slip as I frolicked between my surroundings and the dreamlike state my natural high had created. Even when the the music faded and our legs took us backstage, my conflicted senses preoccupied my mind.
However, as the minutes passed, the glamor of the moment was disillusioned. The smiles on the other member's faces had dropped and looks ranging from agitation to exhaustion had replaced them. The pseudo characters that they had created were wiped off along with their layers of makeup. Once again, they were back to the weak and depleted state that five years of selling their souls had conditioned them to.
My act is different from theirs though. My act never ends.
As I stood, I felt familiar arms encircle around my waist and a face bury itself into the curve of my neck. Eli always gave me the most consideration and my fondness for him was near mutual. In Asia, this type of physical intimacy was normal amongst men and no one would blink an eye towards our current position. The thing is, we're Korean-Americans raised in the states. We both knew exactly what our type affection meant.
"Wanna to drive back with me to the dorm?" he mumbled into my skin.
"Couldn't we just go back with the company van?"
"We could. But I know you don't want to."
I smiled at his proposition. I honestly wouldn't mind driving back with the rest of the crew, but I liked to delude Eli into believing that he was my special confidant. After each of these opportunities, he would give me even more attention than the next. I liked that.
Across the room, I saw AJ glaring holes into the man holding me. The man that AJ would often call his best friend. I stared back at him, allowing our eyes to meet. Immediately he looked away with a flustered and embarrassed expression. I smirked and celebrated internally. He was too easy to read.
Next to AJ, I saw Hoon chatting endlessly into his phone. It had become rare to see him without the small device pressed to the side of his face. He was always a bit awkward with our group members, but on the phone his face relaxed and filled with liveliness. Sometimes I would wonder about the person on the other line. I wondered if they knew how much more he seemed to want to be with them rather than with his group members.
Sitting alone in a makeup chair was Kiseop rummaging through his bag. His panicked expression said it all. Kiseop is someone that I acknowledge as being as close to perfection as I. He was beautiful in a more manly right as opposed to my feminine features, but it didn't diminish the worth of his looks. Yet, regardless of how close to perfection as he was, his mind didn't seem to believe so. That's what those pill are for. He told everyone else that his suicidal thoughts were a thing in of the past, but I knew they weren't.
On the loft couch, Dongho stared at his empty water bottle. As the youngest and formally, the breadwinner of the group, he was already broken from the start. I watched as he missed his middle school graduation, I watched as he missed his high school graduation, and I watched as he cried from homesickness during the first years we worked in Japan. I watched as he lost what was left of his innocence. People may mistake his change of personality as becoming more mature, but all he really did was give up. Last week he was called into the company office. Since then, he was exactly like his water bottle, empty.
Finally I spotted Soohyun holding himself up against the hallway walls. His face was distorted in a pained expression as he held his lower back with his hand. His injuries had been piling up recently, but as the leader he had responsibilities that didn't adhere to any complaints. We had urged him to go to the hospital, but he waved us off. I knew the menial pain medication that he kept popping into his mouth weren't enough, but I stayed silent. More than anyone, he loved this group and wished for us to be successful. He wanted to take the blame for everything and I let him.
The cracks in our perfect group were becoming more abundant and more devastating as the days passed. I, however, ignored the faults and pretended that I loved the group more than anything else. I put on a facade of being infinitely happy to be with them. As I did so, no one wanted to voice their problems in fear that they would destroy my innocent bliss.
I knew I had silenced them for the sake of my perfect contentment. Even so, it gave me great pleasure to know that my members paid that so much attention to me.