Turn Around (I)
Turn Around
Sukai, past!Chankai
R
Romance/Angst
Warnings: talk of suicide, drug and alcohol use, depression, self harm.
A/N: If you listen to Turn Around by The Postal Service now and at the end, you'll get warm fuzzies in your tummy.
Jongin's life goes in cycles of self destruction, but Joonmyun gives him moments to live for.
John Donne once said: "No man is an island, entire of itself. Each is a piece of a continent, a part of the main". On his best days, Jongin can sort of agree with that phrase. He likes that it means no person suffers alone, no one is a sole being. No pain has to be entirely yours, but shared with people who love you. It takes away selfishness and narcissism from the equation in life. On his worst days, however, he wishes he could go back in time and choke John Donne, and that may be in part because on his worst days, Jongin can get a little violent. The main reason he might not like that same phrase on his bad days is because he feels no one else should care about his problems. He's at fault for how he is, no one else should have to share the burden. It's been five years and he still doesn't know how to cope. Sometimes he lies awake in the middle of the night without being able to sleep, thinking he never will.
Joonmyun makes it better, but that's inevitable. Jongin has seen him quiet a fussy baby better than its own mother. The question as to why Joonmyun is with Jongin has never sprung up, but he can only imagine it's a matter of time. It's always a matter of time with Jongin. A matter of time before he explodes again. A matter of time before his medical bills pile up like bile in the toilet after he's gotten too drunk the night before. And a matter of time before Joonmyun realizes he can do better, and he's been doing worse this entire time.
Jongin can't voice his concerns because Joonmyun is a worrier, and with reason. If Jongin were in his shoes, he'd be a worrier too.
"Jongin-ah," Joonmyun's soft voice comes from across the table, eyes narrowed in displeasure, hands suspended in mid air like a marionette's. The background noise flutters back from the previously silent nothingness in Jongin's head. "Have you listened to a single thing I've said?"
Jongin looks down in embarrassment. He was a million miles away. "You were talking?" he asks, scratching the itch on his leg with his other foot. "I'm sorry, I was-"
"Spaced out like always," Joonmyun says, but he isn't mad, he is actually smiling. "Look, I get that you think Valentine's day is stupid but the least you can do is flatter me for an evening. Listening to me isn't so bad, is it?" Tilting his head to the side and cocking an eyebrow, his expression is playful masking the subtle sadness Jongin knows he harbors daily.
"Of course not," Jongin says. He leans across the table to squeeze Joonmyun's fingers briefly, but lets his hand go before others can see. "I'm just distracted."
Joonmyun's stare hardens and his smile widens, the edges of that smile cutting his face in awkward segmented angles. Jongin knows that face from when he told Joonmyun he had decided to stop taking his medication. It's a face Jongin doesn't like all that much but it's much more pleasant than when he's angry so he'll take Joonmyun's fake, controlled smile any day. Jongin can deal with fake better than he can handle real.
"Alright," Joonmyun nods, much too curt to ease Jongin's nerves, "you stay distracted and I'll romance myself." He may not look angry, but his words cut through Jongin like a dagger at his throat. Being with him is the same as being alone. "I'm sorry," Jongin mumbles pathetically, "I just didn't feel like going out today."
Joonmyun looks down and then up again with battered eyes. Jongin swears Joonmyun ages every second he's with him. Joonmyun's mouth folds into a frown before quickly being replaced by a radiant, burning smile. "It's fine, really. Let's finish here and go home, we can watch a movie or something."
The rest of Jongin's meal is half pushed around, half eaten, and he can't find any place in his stomach to put it so he tosses his napkin over his plate before Joonmyun can say anything. After Joonmyun pays for the check, they wait outside for their car. Valet boys sprint across the parking lot and into stranger's cars and Jongin momentarily gets the odd notion that his life is a valet and he constantly needs others to drive him in the right direction. Sadly, he crashes too often. One day he's positive he'll no longer have a copy of the keys.
Jongin looks back into the expensive restaurant and sighs. "I'm sorry I ruined our date tonight."
With his hands buried in his coat's pockets, Joonmyun frowns at him. "You know that's the third time you've said you're sorry tonight."
Jongin takes his hand out of his coat to count. "I only remember two."
Joonmyun's laugh filtrates the open space and he nudges him with his shoulder. "You apologized when you kicked me under the table. You tend to fidget when you're anxious. Like now," he says, pointing at his leg.
Jongin looks down to see his shaking leg and stops abruptly. "Sorry."
"Fourth time. Do you want to break a record?" Joonmyun teases. Jongin looks at his breathtaking smile and finds a small smile crawl upon his own mouth. "There we go," Joonmyun's smile widens, "I was wondering when my friend would appear." He gets closer to Jongin's up curled lips and whispers, "I missed you." Before he can kiss him, their car arrives and they're driving back to their apartment with the slow dull of the radio in the background.
Jongin lifts his feet onto the seat and curls into himself. Sensing his dark mood still prevails, Joonmyun looks at him out of the corner of his eye. "What's wrong, cupcake?"
Jongin makes a gagging noise and Joonmyun laughs. "Remember the first time I called you cupcake?" Joonmyun asks.
Jongin sits up and feels a smile grow on his face. "Yeah, we had been dating for 2 months and you wanted to try out different pet names."
Joonmyun laughs, leaning back at a red light. "You couldn't stop laughing at me. I thought you were going to laugh to death." He pinches Jongin's waist and frowns. Jongin doesn't ask him if he thinks he's gotten skinnier, he knows the answer already.
"Now you know better than to call me that," Jongin says, pushing his hair out of his eyes.
"Doesn't mean I can't do it to tease you," he says back, eyes laughing as he parks in their apartment complex's garage. They get out and walk quietly up to their apartment, with Joonmyun's hand brushing against Jongin's, making him smile through his bad mood. Jongin rests against the doorframe, watching Joonmyun put in the key and smile at their neighbor who goes to take out the trash every time she hears their door. Jongin can't hold it against her, if he didn't know Joonmyun, he'd probably hang around his door waiting to see him whenever he could as well.
"What movie do you want to see?" Joonmyun asks, taking his coat off and helping Jongin with his. Jongin simply shrugs and goes to the fridge to take out a beer. He would take out two because he knows Joonmyun's going to take a few sips, but he also knows he would rather share. The apartment is silent, except for the heater softly humming in the corner. Everything in it feels like home, but still Jongin holds himself back and stares as Joonmyun sits on the couch and turns on the tv, flipping through channels mindlessly until he settles on the news. Jongin likes to do this sometimes, simply watch Joonmyun live and be, and in these moments he can distance himself from the life he knows, from Joonmyun. He sees Joonmyun the way a ghost or intruder would see him, little bits and pieces of what makes the magnificent whole. Jongin always waits for Joonmyun to bring him back, call him out for spacing again.
"Jongin," Joonmyun says, knees on the couch, body bent over it, hand extended. "Are you coming or not?"
Jongin takes his beer and sits beside him. He fumbles with how to put his legs, extending them and then folding them to the side, when finally Joonmyun takes both his ankles and places Jongin's legs over his lap. Joonmyun gives him the remote and smiles at him. "Is it my turn to pick a movie?" Jongin asks. Joonmyun nods, hands running up and down Jongin's legs.
It's comforting, knowing there's someone who always wants to touch you no matter how you feel about yourself. It's frightening as well, knowing you won't always want them to, and therefore you deny someone you love your own love. Jongin never wants his relationship with Joonmyun to feel like an obligation, but the worst feeling is not being able to make him happy.
His hands stop. "What are you thinking about?" Joonmyun asks, taking Jongin's shaking palm and kissing it, hot breath warming cold skin.
Jongin wonders what he was just thinking about and shakes his head, eyes now glued to the tv. There's a picture of a young man, only three years younger than Jongin. "Nothing important," he reassures him.
Nothing to worry about.
The boy has dark eyes, a small half-smile burdened under the need to fit in with the no-smiling rule of youth. The woman has no emotion as she announces how he died. Doesn't even blink when she says he'd been battling with a bipolar disorder none of his loved ones knew about. Joonmyun changes the channel as soon as he realizes it's a suicide case, nervously glimpses at Jongin out of the corner of his eye. "Sorry," he whispers, kissing Jongin's hand again and again, as if that would take away all the sad out of the world.
"It's fine," Jongin says, eyes still glued on the tv, now on some commercial about chicken or lipstick. Joonmyun stares at him. "Really, it's fine," Jongin repeats, squeezing his eyes shut to get the picture of the young man out of his head. Joonmyun turns the tv off. They manage to sit in silence for fourteen seconds. Jongin counts them.
"Let's go to bed," Joonmyun whispers, and Jongin feels an involuntarily chill run down his spine. That voice means only one thing, and Jongin isn't sure he's up for it tonight. "We don't have to do anything," Joonmyun says when he reads Jongin's expression, still whispering. "I'm tired too."
Jongin knows that Joonmyun knows it's not because Jongin is tired that he can't have sex with him, but he's grateful that that's the excuse he voices. If they're both tired that means there's nothing wrong with Jongin. If they're both tired, it's mutual. If they're both tired...then they're both tired.
They go to bed. Jongin doesn't even bother washing his face. Joonmyun puts on lotions he doesn't need.
Joonmyun climbs into his side of the bed and unzips Jongin's pants, pulls them off, kissing his left thigh where scars still mark his skin and decorate it with rough, angry lines. Jongin's eyes roam over Joonmyun's pained face and he has to look away. There are few things he hates more than being the cause of Joonmyun's sadness. Too bad he's the cause too often.
Joonmyun lays beside him for a second, exhaling and inhaling, and then turns off the light. Routines comfort Jongin. Stability makes him happier than most things in life. Security is more than just a blanket, it's a home Jongin wants to always live in.
"Goodnight," Joonmyun whispers, kissing Jongin's shoulder before turning around to his side. The way his back curves reminds Jongin of the time he spent hours trailing Joonmyun's pure skin with paint after his first therapy session. Ironically, that had been more therapeutic than sharing his feelings with strangers for two and a half hours, but it didn't completely prevent him from winding up in the hospital two months later.
"Goodnight," Jongin mumbles back. "Happy valentine's day."
"Yeah," Joonmyun says, looking over his shoulder at Jongin. Half of Joonmyun's face is covered by the shadow the moon makes through their curtains, the other half is smiling. "Happy valentine's day."
They kiss, and Jongin pretends his lips don't tremble after Joonmyun takes home away and rolls over again.
They sleep.
Routine is engraved in Jongin.
*
Joonmyun loves pictures. He loves making scrapbooks and buying dozens of frames to put pictures around the apartment. He likes having the camera on the table where they eat so he can take pictures outside their window as they have breakfast or of Jongin hiding his face during lunch. Jongin doesn't like his picture being taken, but he doesn't mind when Joonmyun does it. Come to think of it, Jongin doesn't mind when Joonmyun does a lot of things he doesn't usually like; like ask him to go to the beach with him after he's already dressed.
"Come on, Jongin," he groans, his hands at Jongin's hips, pulling him close to create impossible friction. "Just this once. It's getting warmer outside and then the beach gets packed and I know you hate it more when too many people are there so if we go now, we can avoid the lines at the snack bars and the screaming kids and-"
Jongin kisses him, both because he was talking too much and his lips looked too good not to kiss. "We can go if you stop talking."
Joonmyun's smile is blinding, taking a piece of Jongin's heart when he turns around to get the sunscreen he'd put on the drawer last night which should have served as a hint if Jongin payed better attention to detail. "I'll drive, you can nap on the way there."
Jongin rolls his eyes, packing the wrapped sandwiches Joonmyun prepared before he woke up. He gets dressed, mainly just changes his sweats for board shorts, and waits for Joonmyun by the door. He thinks about all the things Joonmyun has had to do for him, like go to therapy on a Saturday or the emergency room in the middle of the night, so he figures going to the beach on a nice day isn't so terrible. Sure, beaches are volatile places, so many risky factors that could trigger him, but Joonmyun will be there. Besides, it's an earlySunday morning in March, he doubts too many people are out today. Jongin has to do this often. He has to convince himself something isn't as bad as it seems. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems.
"You ready to go?" Joonmyun asks, floppy beach hat and big sunglasses already on.
"Yeah," Jongin answers, holding back laughter.
"Come on, laugh," Joonmyum encourages. "I look ridiculous."
"I'm glad you noticed." Jongin opens the door and holds it out for him. "After you, my majesty."
Joonmyun rolls his eyes at him and pushes the cooler out first. Right on cue, their neighbor opens her door and waves at them, small cocker spaniel on a leash behind her.
"Look at you two," she says, smiling, but only looking at Joonmyun. "Where are you off to?"
Joonmyun smiles, so goodhearted it still warms Jongin's own sour heart after all this time. "We're going to the beach. I'm amazed you're up, it's so early."
"Yeah well," she laughs awkwardly which Joonmyun harmonizes with his own genuine one. "This little fella wakes me up so early to go poo."
Lie. Jongin knows she woke the dog up to meet them at their door.
"What's his name?" Joonmyun asks, getting down on one knee to scratch it between its ears.
"Pablo."
Lie. Jongin knows it's called Joonmyun, he heard her call it that when she was trying to get him up the stairs that day the elevator was broken.
"He's cute," Joonmyum says. "I'm more of a cat person but Jongin doesn't like their hair getting on everything."
She looks at Jongin now, acknowledging him for the first time in the conversation. "I'd let you have one," she says looking at Joonmyun again, and turns red when she realizes what she just said. "I mean if I were your roommate."
Lie. She knows they're not roommates. She has to have heard and seen as much. Roommates don't argue like they do; don't make out drunkenly in the elevator and pull away awkwardly when others come in like they do; don't make love like they do. Well, used to.
Joonmyun smiles and stands back up. "Well we better get going. Have a nice day."
She smiles, nods, and leaves first, swinging her hips in a way she wouldn't if she cared to acknowledge Jongin's presence and status in Joonmyun's life.
On the car ride, Jongin can't hold himself back. Maybe he's being stupid, but he has to ask. "Do you think she knows you're gay?" His feet are on the dashboard, and even though Joonmyun hates when he does that, he doesn't say anything about it.
"I don't know," Joonmyun says. "Wait, who?"
"Our neighbor."
"Jenna?" Joonmyun asks. "I'm sure she does. She knows we're together, doesn't she?"
"If she does, she blatantly ignores it to flirt with you in front of me."
Joonmyun looks down at him and smiles a bit. "Jongin, are you jealous?"
Is he? Jealousy is such a pointless emotion. If he learned anything in therapy, it's that jealousy leads to nothing but frustration. Being jealous is inevitable because he's with Joonmyun, but he knows it gets him nowhere. "Maybe," he answers simply, "what would you do if I was?"
Joonmyun purses his lips. "Probably kiss you until you stopped being silly."
Jongin doesn't like that answer. He doesn't appreciate being called silly. "I'm not silly, she's always all over you."
"You're silly because she's not a threat. She could throw herself at me in the sexiest lingerie ever and I wouldn't give a damn. The only person I want to be with and wear sexy lingerie for me is you."
Jongin rolls his eyes, but secretly he likes that Joonmyun says things like that. It makes him feel wanted, as much as an undesirable person can feel wanted.
They arrive at the beach and there is one more couple under a palm tree, a woman walking her dogs and some guys taking a surfing lesson.
"Do you want to do that?" Joonmyun asks.
"What, embarrass ourselves?"
"No, take a couples surfing lesson."
Jongin squints, putting down their beach towel on the 'perfect spot' Joonmyun picked. "How can you tell they're a couple?"
Joonmyun turns his chin towards the ocean, but keeps his eyes fixed on the pair. "Look at how the taller one puts his hands around the other's waist to show him how to balance himself. I wouldn't touch my friend like that. And just the way they look at each other. Even the instructor looks a bit uncomfortable."
Jongin looks at them again and sees what Joonmyun sees. The shorter one smiling at the taller one like his entire life revolves around his existence. Jongin can't remember the last time he looked at Joonmyun that way.
"Are you going to go in?" Joonmyun asks, taking his sandals off and digging his feet in the sand. He lifts his shirt over his head and Jongin wonders when was the last time he touched that perfect skin. "I know you hate the beach, but-"
"Let's go," Jongin says hurriedly, taking his shirt off and grabbing Joonmyun's hand, leading him towards the water.
"Someone's excited," Joonmyun comments, letting Jongin take him to the ocean with confident steps. Jongin's always been hesitant around Joonmyun in public, not because of social stigma but because that's just the way he is. Joonmyun is the first person he's dated who makes him want to kiss and touch him in public, just so others know he's his. Not theirs, his.
The water is cold but nice on Jongin's skin, but Joonmyun yelps, jumping up as soon as it reaches his waist. "S'cold," he mutters, lifting his knees to avoid getting tangled in seaweed.
"C'mere," Jongin says, taking Joonmyun's hands and pulling him closer. "Hug me."
Joonmyun looks at the other people on the beach. They're not looking at them now but if Joonmyun gets any closer to Jongin they probably will. "Jongin you don't-"
"I don't care," he says, walking deeper into the ocean until the water is up to their chests. "Put your legs around me, I'll keep you warm."
Joonmyun smiles and jumps on him, which would be reasonable if he were a 40 pound child, but he's not. Jongin topples over and swallows water, but comes back laughing and tackles Joonmyun, who laughs and kisses him. Jongin doesn't stop like he usually would, it propels him forward, and he kisses him back, attacking his mouth with hungry kisses they haven't exchanged in weeks, possibly months. Joonmyun wraps his legs around Jongin's hips and breathes into his mouth, breath warm in contrast to the cold water. Jongin steadies himself and bends his knees, dipping Joonmyun back into the cold water. Joonmyun yells again and Jongin laughs, remembering that one time they had sex in the shower and Jongin kept changing the water to cold just to piss Joonmyun off.
"You little shit," Joonmyun growls, digging his nails into Jongin's shoulders. Jongin bites his neck and then passes his tongue over the spot. "I love you," Joonmyun breathes out.
Jongin smiles, looking down to see Joonmyun's board shorts clinging to his erection. "I love you too," he whispers, kissing his temple. Joonmyun's hands drop to Jongin's ass, and he pats it twice before dropping his hand inside his shorts. "Hey." Jongin steps back. "What do you think you're doing?"
Joonmyun smirks, so playfully, Jongin wonders how he doesn't make love to him every day of his life. "I was going to fuck my boyfriend, but if you have a better plan, let me know."
Jongin frowns and looks around, noticing the people now. "Not here," he whispers, although no one can hear him.
"No one is looking at us," Joonmyun says with a groan. "Come on, Jongin. You won't let me when we get back home."
"What's that supposed to me?"
"Oh God, Jongin you know what it means. When was the last time we had sex?" Joonmyun asks.
"I don't know," Jongin answers truthfully, because he really can't remember. Joonmyun narrows his eyes at him and unhooks his legs, begrudgingly admitting defeat. Jongin bites his lip, feeling a wave of self-loathing wash over him. How can he not remember the last time he had sex with his boyfriend? Has it been so long? How has he allowed their intimacy to take a backseat? Is he that bad?
Joonmyun reads his face and hugs him again. "I'm sorry," he whispers, kissing Jongin twice before wrapping him up in his arms. "I'm such a dick, I'm sorry. I don't mean to push you."
The wave of self loathing is clinging to Jongin's neck now, threatening to suck him towards the bottom of the ocean and drown him. Joonmyun won't stop kissing him, but Jongin feels nothing now, everything is hazy. He looks down at Joonmyun and wants to say something, he tries, but it's like his mouth is shut tight and his throat is clogged. His shoulders curl forward, wanting to be home and under his warm sheets instead of in this sea of confusion and disappointment.
"We should go," Joonmyun sighs, seeing the look in Jongin's eyes. He's lost him, at least for the time being.
They pick up their things--Joonmyun wraps Jongin up in a towel--and they walk to the car in silence. Jongin wonders if other people are talking about them, looking at them and whispering, and then he realizes he cares more about other people's opinions of him than his own boyfriend's. The car ride back home is painful if only because when Jongin is gone, it puts a looming weight over Joonmyun's shoulders that dampens both their moods even more. Jongin knows Joonmyun always blames himself, but he doesn't know how to tell him it's not his fault. Jongin does this to himself. The only person who can get him out of it is Joonmyun. It's a vicious cycle he doesn't know how to stop.
Joonmyun opens the door to the apartment with slumped shoulders and throws the keys over the table; Jongin watches them glide over the edge and leave a scratch that they'll fight over tomorrow.
It's still early, but Joonmyun takes a shower and changes into his pajamas. Jongin stands in the middle of the kitchen, not wanting to get sand on any part of the house. When Joonmyun comes into the kitchen to get the things out of the cooler, Jongin takes the car keys off the floor and goes to the door. "Where are you going?" Joonmyun asks, voice so tired and heavy it kills Jongin more than a little bit.
"Going to clean the car, I know how you hate when it's dirty."
"Jongin, leave it. It's not important now."
"Yes it is, you have to go to work tomorrow."
"I'll take the bus."
"I don't want you to take the bus."
"Why is everything about what you want?"
It feels like a slap to his face, and since he deserves it, it stings like ice.
"Fuck!" Joonmyun groans, bitting his lower lip enough to tear the already chapped skin. "Fuck! I'm so stupid." He goes to Jongin and hugs him. "Why am I like this to you? Why do I lose my patience?"
Jongin knows why, but he's not sure Joonmyun actually wants an answer.
"I'm sorry. It's my fault." Everything is always Jongin's fault, he knows it.
"No it's not, it's mine," Joonmyun urges, hands cupping Jongin's face. "I used to be better to you. Lately I'm just so tired and cranky."
"Because of me," Jongin says, and his eyes drop to Joonmyun's feet. His toe, from when Jongin almost pried it off, is still ugly and purple; the only ugly thing about Joonmyun, and Jongin caused it.
"Stop looking at my toe," Joonmyun says, knowing Jongin's looking at it because he always does when he feels guilty. "That wasn't your fault."
Jongin doesn't want to argue now. He doesn't want to see Joonmyun suffering anymore because of him so he takes the keys and leaves, ignoring Joonmyun calling him back.
He cleans out the rugs, buys a bottle of water, goes inside the gas station's bathroom and cleans off some of the sand in his toes, takes the car to get washed, and then sits in the car and waits in the parking lot for 40 minutes.
Waits for what? He isn't sure. He gets out of the car when the guard asks him if everything is okay. He answers he's fine, even though he's not, and goes back up to their apartment.
When Jongin steps open the door, Joonmyun is sleeping on the couch, on the tv there's some reality show Jongin knows Joonmyun hates and only watches when his life is so bad he wants to be reminded some people have it worse. It's one about a young teenage mom and she's trying to get her parents to babysit her child so she can go out partying. Jongin would've rejected her if she were his child, but the parents take the baby and complain about it the entire night. Jongin looks down at Joonmyun and wonders if that's what he does, take care of him but hate every second of it. He wonders if Jongin is a burden to him, if they're together because Joonmyun can't find a way to break up with him.
Jongin turns the tv off--hating the mindless chatter of half-people, half-products--puts Joonmyun's head on his lap, and combs his hair back. He sighs and closes his eyes, wishing his life were more simple like this. He wishes he could take care of Joonmyun sometimes. Instead of always being the worrier, Joonmyun deserves to be taken care of too. Jongin knows Joonmyun deserves an entire world he can't give him.
Jongin moves his left leg to get comfortable which causes Joonmyun to stir a little. He turns his head and opens his eyes at Jongin, smiling a bit when he sees their position. "I'm sorry," Joonmyun whispers and Jongin shakes his head, kissing him again and again until Joonmyun complains his neck hurts in this position. "I'm sorry about the way I treated you and the things I sai-"
Jongin shakes his head. "Please don't apologize. Let's just forget this morning ever happened."
Joonmyun looks at him like he knows Jongin won't do that. Jongin is going to beat himself up about it for days, weeks, to come. He's going to replay it in his head, analyze what he did wrong and how he can change it. Joonmyun knows this because Jongin admitted it during one of their therapy sessions. The problem with therapy is that what happens in therapy doesn't stay there. What happens in therapy comes home with you and makes you regret you ever said anything in the first place.
Jongin stands and picks Joonmyun up, unleashing a pleasant laugh from Joonmyun's pleasant mouth.
"I'm putting you to bed now," Jongin says, with an air of importance, as if this were a great task.
On their way to bed, Jongin catches sight of a photograph they took at the beginning of their relationship. Jongin's skin was lighter in comparison to Joonmyun's because Joonmyun had been on vacation in the Caribbean. Jongin's smile makes his eyes disappear and Joonmyun's makes the entire picture glow.
"Remember when that was taken?" Jonmyun asks, looking at it as well. "You were so drunk."
"I was nervous," Jongin admits. "Our third date and I still had no clue how to talk to you. I had missed you over winter break, but I didn't want to seem clingy."
"I thought you didn't like me," Joonmyun says, kissing Jongin's neck. "I kept asking my friends if I was doing something wrong."
"You did everything right. You always do."
Joonmyun laughs. "Yeah, like when I put the bookshelf together as a surprise for you and it dismantled two days later." He turns red, embarrassed, remembering. "You put a book in it and it collapsed."
"It was sweet of you to try," Jongin says, carrying him to the their room. He puts Joonmyun on the bed and kisses his lips, his hands trailing to his pants. He removes his sweats, kissing hip bones and massaging thighs.
"Don't," Joonnyun moans, putting his hands on Jongin's shoulders. "If you're not gonna - then don't."
"Who said I'm not going to?" Jongin whispers onto Joonmyun's stomach.
"I don't want you to feel like you have to," Joonmyun says, but his hips are bucking up, legs shaking, "do anything you don't want to."
"Now who wouldn't want to do this," Jongin says, his hand going inside Joonmyun's underwear, "to you."
Joonmyum swallows, hands fisting in the sheets. "You," he chokes out. Jongin's hand stills and he looks up at Joonmyun through a curtain of hair.
"Of course I do, I just can't every time you want to."
Joonmyun sighs and nods, pulling Jongin up by his shoulders. "I know." Joonmyun kisses him, his own mouth fighting for control. "I know you can't. So if you can't now, just let me know. I never want to be an obligation to you."
Jongin could say the same to him, but he kisses him instead and rolls onto the empty part of the bed. Jongin doesn't want to have to force himself, but if he told Joonmyun the truth, Joonmyun would think he's never in the mood. Maybe being honest once won't kill them. "I have to take a shower anyway." Jongin sits up, not daring to look at him.
"Okay," Joonmyun says, sitting up as well. "I'm going to eat. I'm so hungry, aren't you?"
Jongin shrugs. "I'll eat later."
He goes inside the bathroom and turns on the shower, allowing the water to heat up. He stares at himself in the mirror, hears Joonmyun move around their room, and lets out a deep sigh. Jongin hates himself each time he makes Joonmyun sad. He wasn't this bad before. He doesn't want to admit it, but he's gotten worse since he stopped taking his medication. Sure, he was always drowsy and his eyes were foggy, but at least he could have sex with his boyfriend whenever they wanted to. Now, he can't get out of bed so often, he had to quit his job, and work from home for an Internet website. Joonmyun says he's proud of him, but how proud can he be of minimum wage and having to make up more than half of their rent each month by himself.
Jongin gets in the shower and rinses off the remaining sand first before scrubbing his skin away with soap. Joonmyun doesn't know this, but on his worst days, Jongin uses Joonnyun's soap. Joonmyun buys expensive soap, the kind that leaves his skin glowing and soft for hours. Jongin has no problem using the generic cheap bar soap, but sometimes he needs to feel smooth and smelling like Joonmyun when he's at work. It's like putting on a new skin; a clean, pure skin that helps Jongin pretend his past doesn't exist and his future will be brighter. It's stupid really, but sometimes all it takes is soap to get Jongin through the day.
He washes off and puts a towel around his waist before walking into the kitchen. Joonmyun has soft music on, by some artist Jongin would remember the name of if he payed better attention, and he's dancing. He still hasn't noticed Jongin's presence, and he sways his hips, switching his weight from foot to foot. Jongin watches, small smile playing on his lips, as Joonmyun loses tempo and fumbles a little. He looks beautiful to Jongin, and he can't take his eyes off of him. Joonmyun turns around in one swift move as the song crescendos and stops, eyes meeting Jongin's.
"How much did you see?" he asks, butting on his lower lip.
"Not enough," Jongin says. "Give it another go."
"No." Joonmyun turns around to lower the pasta. "Now I'm embarrassed."
"Don't be," Jongin moves closer and hugs him from behind. "I love how you dance."
Joonmyun shakes his head. "I have two left feet."
"Two very cute left feet," Jongin says into his neck. "It's passion that's important when dancing and you have that."
Joonmyun looks up at him and frowns. He looks at him for a long time, and Jongin wonders how much he's holding back of what he really wants to say. "You used to love dancing," is what he says finally. "I'm sorry you had to stop."
"Yeah." Jongin nods, stepping back. "Me too."
They eat dinner quietly and go to bed quietly. On most nights, the silence is comforting, but sometimes, the silence is so suffocating it has Jongin laying awake without being able to sleep. Sadly, those nights occur more frequently and Jongin can't remember the last time he had a full night's sleep.
Jongin doesn't know how long he can hang on to this. On the surface he acts okay, but all he wants to do is sleep and never wake up.
Sometimes he dreams of Joonmyun. In his dreams, they're like they used to be. Two fumbling kids with no clue what they want in life, but damn sure they want each other. With the years that want turned into a need. A need so strong Jongin doesn't know what he'd do without Joonmyun. That night he tries to not dream at all. He wakes up disappointed again.
Part 2
Sukai, past!Chankai
R
Romance/Angst
Warnings: talk of suicide, drug and alcohol use, depression, self harm.
A/N: If you listen to Turn Around by The Postal Service now and at the end, you'll get warm fuzzies in your tummy.
Jongin's life goes in cycles of self destruction, but Joonmyun gives him moments to live for.
John Donne once said: "No man is an island, entire of itself. Each is a piece of a continent, a part of the main". On his best days, Jongin can sort of agree with that phrase. He likes that it means no person suffers alone, no one is a sole being. No pain has to be entirely yours, but shared with people who love you. It takes away selfishness and narcissism from the equation in life. On his worst days, however, he wishes he could go back in time and choke John Donne, and that may be in part because on his worst days, Jongin can get a little violent. The main reason he might not like that same phrase on his bad days is because he feels no one else should care about his problems. He's at fault for how he is, no one else should have to share the burden. It's been five years and he still doesn't know how to cope. Sometimes he lies awake in the middle of the night without being able to sleep, thinking he never will.
Joonmyun makes it better, but that's inevitable. Jongin has seen him quiet a fussy baby better than its own mother. The question as to why Joonmyun is with Jongin has never sprung up, but he can only imagine it's a matter of time. It's always a matter of time with Jongin. A matter of time before he explodes again. A matter of time before his medical bills pile up like bile in the toilet after he's gotten too drunk the night before. And a matter of time before Joonmyun realizes he can do better, and he's been doing worse this entire time.
Jongin can't voice his concerns because Joonmyun is a worrier, and with reason. If Jongin were in his shoes, he'd be a worrier too.
"Jongin-ah," Joonmyun's soft voice comes from across the table, eyes narrowed in displeasure, hands suspended in mid air like a marionette's. The background noise flutters back from the previously silent nothingness in Jongin's head. "Have you listened to a single thing I've said?"
Jongin looks down in embarrassment. He was a million miles away. "You were talking?" he asks, scratching the itch on his leg with his other foot. "I'm sorry, I was-"
"Spaced out like always," Joonmyun says, but he isn't mad, he is actually smiling. "Look, I get that you think Valentine's day is stupid but the least you can do is flatter me for an evening. Listening to me isn't so bad, is it?" Tilting his head to the side and cocking an eyebrow, his expression is playful masking the subtle sadness Jongin knows he harbors daily.
"Of course not," Jongin says. He leans across the table to squeeze Joonmyun's fingers briefly, but lets his hand go before others can see. "I'm just distracted."
Joonmyun's stare hardens and his smile widens, the edges of that smile cutting his face in awkward segmented angles. Jongin knows that face from when he told Joonmyun he had decided to stop taking his medication. It's a face Jongin doesn't like all that much but it's much more pleasant than when he's angry so he'll take Joonmyun's fake, controlled smile any day. Jongin can deal with fake better than he can handle real.
"Alright," Joonmyun nods, much too curt to ease Jongin's nerves, "you stay distracted and I'll romance myself." He may not look angry, but his words cut through Jongin like a dagger at his throat. Being with him is the same as being alone. "I'm sorry," Jongin mumbles pathetically, "I just didn't feel like going out today."
Joonmyun looks down and then up again with battered eyes. Jongin swears Joonmyun ages every second he's with him. Joonmyun's mouth folds into a frown before quickly being replaced by a radiant, burning smile. "It's fine, really. Let's finish here and go home, we can watch a movie or something."
The rest of Jongin's meal is half pushed around, half eaten, and he can't find any place in his stomach to put it so he tosses his napkin over his plate before Joonmyun can say anything. After Joonmyun pays for the check, they wait outside for their car. Valet boys sprint across the parking lot and into stranger's cars and Jongin momentarily gets the odd notion that his life is a valet and he constantly needs others to drive him in the right direction. Sadly, he crashes too often. One day he's positive he'll no longer have a copy of the keys.
Jongin looks back into the expensive restaurant and sighs. "I'm sorry I ruined our date tonight."
With his hands buried in his coat's pockets, Joonmyun frowns at him. "You know that's the third time you've said you're sorry tonight."
Jongin takes his hand out of his coat to count. "I only remember two."
Joonmyun's laugh filtrates the open space and he nudges him with his shoulder. "You apologized when you kicked me under the table. You tend to fidget when you're anxious. Like now," he says, pointing at his leg.
Jongin looks down to see his shaking leg and stops abruptly. "Sorry."
"Fourth time. Do you want to break a record?" Joonmyun teases. Jongin looks at his breathtaking smile and finds a small smile crawl upon his own mouth. "There we go," Joonmyun's smile widens, "I was wondering when my friend would appear." He gets closer to Jongin's up curled lips and whispers, "I missed you." Before he can kiss him, their car arrives and they're driving back to their apartment with the slow dull of the radio in the background.
Jongin lifts his feet onto the seat and curls into himself. Sensing his dark mood still prevails, Joonmyun looks at him out of the corner of his eye. "What's wrong, cupcake?"
Jongin makes a gagging noise and Joonmyun laughs. "Remember the first time I called you cupcake?" Joonmyun asks.
Jongin sits up and feels a smile grow on his face. "Yeah, we had been dating for 2 months and you wanted to try out different pet names."
Joonmyun laughs, leaning back at a red light. "You couldn't stop laughing at me. I thought you were going to laugh to death." He pinches Jongin's waist and frowns. Jongin doesn't ask him if he thinks he's gotten skinnier, he knows the answer already.
"Now you know better than to call me that," Jongin says, pushing his hair out of his eyes.
"Doesn't mean I can't do it to tease you," he says back, eyes laughing as he parks in their apartment complex's garage. They get out and walk quietly up to their apartment, with Joonmyun's hand brushing against Jongin's, making him smile through his bad mood. Jongin rests against the doorframe, watching Joonmyun put in the key and smile at their neighbor who goes to take out the trash every time she hears their door. Jongin can't hold it against her, if he didn't know Joonmyun, he'd probably hang around his door waiting to see him whenever he could as well.
"What movie do you want to see?" Joonmyun asks, taking his coat off and helping Jongin with his. Jongin simply shrugs and goes to the fridge to take out a beer. He would take out two because he knows Joonmyun's going to take a few sips, but he also knows he would rather share. The apartment is silent, except for the heater softly humming in the corner. Everything in it feels like home, but still Jongin holds himself back and stares as Joonmyun sits on the couch and turns on the tv, flipping through channels mindlessly until he settles on the news. Jongin likes to do this sometimes, simply watch Joonmyun live and be, and in these moments he can distance himself from the life he knows, from Joonmyun. He sees Joonmyun the way a ghost or intruder would see him, little bits and pieces of what makes the magnificent whole. Jongin always waits for Joonmyun to bring him back, call him out for spacing again.
"Jongin," Joonmyun says, knees on the couch, body bent over it, hand extended. "Are you coming or not?"
Jongin takes his beer and sits beside him. He fumbles with how to put his legs, extending them and then folding them to the side, when finally Joonmyun takes both his ankles and places Jongin's legs over his lap. Joonmyun gives him the remote and smiles at him. "Is it my turn to pick a movie?" Jongin asks. Joonmyun nods, hands running up and down Jongin's legs.
It's comforting, knowing there's someone who always wants to touch you no matter how you feel about yourself. It's frightening as well, knowing you won't always want them to, and therefore you deny someone you love your own love. Jongin never wants his relationship with Joonmyun to feel like an obligation, but the worst feeling is not being able to make him happy.
His hands stop. "What are you thinking about?" Joonmyun asks, taking Jongin's shaking palm and kissing it, hot breath warming cold skin.
Jongin wonders what he was just thinking about and shakes his head, eyes now glued to the tv. There's a picture of a young man, only three years younger than Jongin. "Nothing important," he reassures him.
Nothing to worry about.
The boy has dark eyes, a small half-smile burdened under the need to fit in with the no-smiling rule of youth. The woman has no emotion as she announces how he died. Doesn't even blink when she says he'd been battling with a bipolar disorder none of his loved ones knew about. Joonmyun changes the channel as soon as he realizes it's a suicide case, nervously glimpses at Jongin out of the corner of his eye. "Sorry," he whispers, kissing Jongin's hand again and again, as if that would take away all the sad out of the world.
"It's fine," Jongin says, eyes still glued on the tv, now on some commercial about chicken or lipstick. Joonmyun stares at him. "Really, it's fine," Jongin repeats, squeezing his eyes shut to get the picture of the young man out of his head. Joonmyun turns the tv off. They manage to sit in silence for fourteen seconds. Jongin counts them.
"Let's go to bed," Joonmyun whispers, and Jongin feels an involuntarily chill run down his spine. That voice means only one thing, and Jongin isn't sure he's up for it tonight. "We don't have to do anything," Joonmyun says when he reads Jongin's expression, still whispering. "I'm tired too."
Jongin knows that Joonmyun knows it's not because Jongin is tired that he can't have sex with him, but he's grateful that that's the excuse he voices. If they're both tired that means there's nothing wrong with Jongin. If they're both tired, it's mutual. If they're both tired...then they're both tired.
They go to bed. Jongin doesn't even bother washing his face. Joonmyun puts on lotions he doesn't need.
Joonmyun climbs into his side of the bed and unzips Jongin's pants, pulls them off, kissing his left thigh where scars still mark his skin and decorate it with rough, angry lines. Jongin's eyes roam over Joonmyun's pained face and he has to look away. There are few things he hates more than being the cause of Joonmyun's sadness. Too bad he's the cause too often.
Joonmyun lays beside him for a second, exhaling and inhaling, and then turns off the light. Routines comfort Jongin. Stability makes him happier than most things in life. Security is more than just a blanket, it's a home Jongin wants to always live in.
"Goodnight," Joonmyun whispers, kissing Jongin's shoulder before turning around to his side. The way his back curves reminds Jongin of the time he spent hours trailing Joonmyun's pure skin with paint after his first therapy session. Ironically, that had been more therapeutic than sharing his feelings with strangers for two and a half hours, but it didn't completely prevent him from winding up in the hospital two months later.
"Goodnight," Jongin mumbles back. "Happy valentine's day."
"Yeah," Joonmyun says, looking over his shoulder at Jongin. Half of Joonmyun's face is covered by the shadow the moon makes through their curtains, the other half is smiling. "Happy valentine's day."
They kiss, and Jongin pretends his lips don't tremble after Joonmyun takes home away and rolls over again.
They sleep.
Routine is engraved in Jongin.
*
Joonmyun loves pictures. He loves making scrapbooks and buying dozens of frames to put pictures around the apartment. He likes having the camera on the table where they eat so he can take pictures outside their window as they have breakfast or of Jongin hiding his face during lunch. Jongin doesn't like his picture being taken, but he doesn't mind when Joonmyun does it. Come to think of it, Jongin doesn't mind when Joonmyun does a lot of things he doesn't usually like; like ask him to go to the beach with him after he's already dressed.
"Come on, Jongin," he groans, his hands at Jongin's hips, pulling him close to create impossible friction. "Just this once. It's getting warmer outside and then the beach gets packed and I know you hate it more when too many people are there so if we go now, we can avoid the lines at the snack bars and the screaming kids and-"
Jongin kisses him, both because he was talking too much and his lips looked too good not to kiss. "We can go if you stop talking."
Joonmyun's smile is blinding, taking a piece of Jongin's heart when he turns around to get the sunscreen he'd put on the drawer last night which should have served as a hint if Jongin payed better attention to detail. "I'll drive, you can nap on the way there."
Jongin rolls his eyes, packing the wrapped sandwiches Joonmyun prepared before he woke up. He gets dressed, mainly just changes his sweats for board shorts, and waits for Joonmyun by the door. He thinks about all the things Joonmyun has had to do for him, like go to therapy on a Saturday or the emergency room in the middle of the night, so he figures going to the beach on a nice day isn't so terrible. Sure, beaches are volatile places, so many risky factors that could trigger him, but Joonmyun will be there. Besides, it's an earlySunday morning in March, he doubts too many people are out today. Jongin has to do this often. He has to convince himself something isn't as bad as it seems. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems.
"You ready to go?" Joonmyun asks, floppy beach hat and big sunglasses already on.
"Yeah," Jongin answers, holding back laughter.
"Come on, laugh," Joonmyum encourages. "I look ridiculous."
"I'm glad you noticed." Jongin opens the door and holds it out for him. "After you, my majesty."
Joonmyun rolls his eyes at him and pushes the cooler out first. Right on cue, their neighbor opens her door and waves at them, small cocker spaniel on a leash behind her.
"Look at you two," she says, smiling, but only looking at Joonmyun. "Where are you off to?"
Joonmyun smiles, so goodhearted it still warms Jongin's own sour heart after all this time. "We're going to the beach. I'm amazed you're up, it's so early."
"Yeah well," she laughs awkwardly which Joonmyun harmonizes with his own genuine one. "This little fella wakes me up so early to go poo."
Lie. Jongin knows she woke the dog up to meet them at their door.
"What's his name?" Joonmyun asks, getting down on one knee to scratch it between its ears.
"Pablo."
Lie. Jongin knows it's called Joonmyun, he heard her call it that when she was trying to get him up the stairs that day the elevator was broken.
"He's cute," Joonmyum says. "I'm more of a cat person but Jongin doesn't like their hair getting on everything."
She looks at Jongin now, acknowledging him for the first time in the conversation. "I'd let you have one," she says looking at Joonmyun again, and turns red when she realizes what she just said. "I mean if I were your roommate."
Lie. She knows they're not roommates. She has to have heard and seen as much. Roommates don't argue like they do; don't make out drunkenly in the elevator and pull away awkwardly when others come in like they do; don't make love like they do. Well, used to.
Joonmyun smiles and stands back up. "Well we better get going. Have a nice day."
She smiles, nods, and leaves first, swinging her hips in a way she wouldn't if she cared to acknowledge Jongin's presence and status in Joonmyun's life.
On the car ride, Jongin can't hold himself back. Maybe he's being stupid, but he has to ask. "Do you think she knows you're gay?" His feet are on the dashboard, and even though Joonmyun hates when he does that, he doesn't say anything about it.
"I don't know," Joonmyun says. "Wait, who?"
"Our neighbor."
"Jenna?" Joonmyun asks. "I'm sure she does. She knows we're together, doesn't she?"
"If she does, she blatantly ignores it to flirt with you in front of me."
Joonmyun looks down at him and smiles a bit. "Jongin, are you jealous?"
Is he? Jealousy is such a pointless emotion. If he learned anything in therapy, it's that jealousy leads to nothing but frustration. Being jealous is inevitable because he's with Joonmyun, but he knows it gets him nowhere. "Maybe," he answers simply, "what would you do if I was?"
Joonmyun purses his lips. "Probably kiss you until you stopped being silly."
Jongin doesn't like that answer. He doesn't appreciate being called silly. "I'm not silly, she's always all over you."
"You're silly because she's not a threat. She could throw herself at me in the sexiest lingerie ever and I wouldn't give a damn. The only person I want to be with and wear sexy lingerie for me is you."
Jongin rolls his eyes, but secretly he likes that Joonmyun says things like that. It makes him feel wanted, as much as an undesirable person can feel wanted.
They arrive at the beach and there is one more couple under a palm tree, a woman walking her dogs and some guys taking a surfing lesson.
"Do you want to do that?" Joonmyun asks.
"What, embarrass ourselves?"
"No, take a couples surfing lesson."
Jongin squints, putting down their beach towel on the 'perfect spot' Joonmyun picked. "How can you tell they're a couple?"
Joonmyun turns his chin towards the ocean, but keeps his eyes fixed on the pair. "Look at how the taller one puts his hands around the other's waist to show him how to balance himself. I wouldn't touch my friend like that. And just the way they look at each other. Even the instructor looks a bit uncomfortable."
Jongin looks at them again and sees what Joonmyun sees. The shorter one smiling at the taller one like his entire life revolves around his existence. Jongin can't remember the last time he looked at Joonmyun that way.
"Are you going to go in?" Joonmyun asks, taking his sandals off and digging his feet in the sand. He lifts his shirt over his head and Jongin wonders when was the last time he touched that perfect skin. "I know you hate the beach, but-"
"Let's go," Jongin says hurriedly, taking his shirt off and grabbing Joonmyun's hand, leading him towards the water.
"Someone's excited," Joonmyun comments, letting Jongin take him to the ocean with confident steps. Jongin's always been hesitant around Joonmyun in public, not because of social stigma but because that's just the way he is. Joonmyun is the first person he's dated who makes him want to kiss and touch him in public, just so others know he's his. Not theirs, his.
The water is cold but nice on Jongin's skin, but Joonmyun yelps, jumping up as soon as it reaches his waist. "S'cold," he mutters, lifting his knees to avoid getting tangled in seaweed.
"C'mere," Jongin says, taking Joonmyun's hands and pulling him closer. "Hug me."
Joonmyun looks at the other people on the beach. They're not looking at them now but if Joonmyun gets any closer to Jongin they probably will. "Jongin you don't-"
"I don't care," he says, walking deeper into the ocean until the water is up to their chests. "Put your legs around me, I'll keep you warm."
Joonmyun smiles and jumps on him, which would be reasonable if he were a 40 pound child, but he's not. Jongin topples over and swallows water, but comes back laughing and tackles Joonmyun, who laughs and kisses him. Jongin doesn't stop like he usually would, it propels him forward, and he kisses him back, attacking his mouth with hungry kisses they haven't exchanged in weeks, possibly months. Joonmyun wraps his legs around Jongin's hips and breathes into his mouth, breath warm in contrast to the cold water. Jongin steadies himself and bends his knees, dipping Joonmyun back into the cold water. Joonmyun yells again and Jongin laughs, remembering that one time they had sex in the shower and Jongin kept changing the water to cold just to piss Joonmyun off.
"You little shit," Joonmyun growls, digging his nails into Jongin's shoulders. Jongin bites his neck and then passes his tongue over the spot. "I love you," Joonmyun breathes out.
Jongin smiles, looking down to see Joonmyun's board shorts clinging to his erection. "I love you too," he whispers, kissing his temple. Joonmyun's hands drop to Jongin's ass, and he pats it twice before dropping his hand inside his shorts. "Hey." Jongin steps back. "What do you think you're doing?"
Joonmyun smirks, so playfully, Jongin wonders how he doesn't make love to him every day of his life. "I was going to fuck my boyfriend, but if you have a better plan, let me know."
Jongin frowns and looks around, noticing the people now. "Not here," he whispers, although no one can hear him.
"No one is looking at us," Joonmyun says with a groan. "Come on, Jongin. You won't let me when we get back home."
"What's that supposed to me?"
"Oh God, Jongin you know what it means. When was the last time we had sex?" Joonmyun asks.
"I don't know," Jongin answers truthfully, because he really can't remember. Joonmyun narrows his eyes at him and unhooks his legs, begrudgingly admitting defeat. Jongin bites his lip, feeling a wave of self-loathing wash over him. How can he not remember the last time he had sex with his boyfriend? Has it been so long? How has he allowed their intimacy to take a backseat? Is he that bad?
Joonmyun reads his face and hugs him again. "I'm sorry," he whispers, kissing Jongin twice before wrapping him up in his arms. "I'm such a dick, I'm sorry. I don't mean to push you."
The wave of self loathing is clinging to Jongin's neck now, threatening to suck him towards the bottom of the ocean and drown him. Joonmyun won't stop kissing him, but Jongin feels nothing now, everything is hazy. He looks down at Joonmyun and wants to say something, he tries, but it's like his mouth is shut tight and his throat is clogged. His shoulders curl forward, wanting to be home and under his warm sheets instead of in this sea of confusion and disappointment.
"We should go," Joonmyun sighs, seeing the look in Jongin's eyes. He's lost him, at least for the time being.
They pick up their things--Joonmyun wraps Jongin up in a towel--and they walk to the car in silence. Jongin wonders if other people are talking about them, looking at them and whispering, and then he realizes he cares more about other people's opinions of him than his own boyfriend's. The car ride back home is painful if only because when Jongin is gone, it puts a looming weight over Joonmyun's shoulders that dampens both their moods even more. Jongin knows Joonmyun always blames himself, but he doesn't know how to tell him it's not his fault. Jongin does this to himself. The only person who can get him out of it is Joonmyun. It's a vicious cycle he doesn't know how to stop.
Joonmyun opens the door to the apartment with slumped shoulders and throws the keys over the table; Jongin watches them glide over the edge and leave a scratch that they'll fight over tomorrow.
It's still early, but Joonmyun takes a shower and changes into his pajamas. Jongin stands in the middle of the kitchen, not wanting to get sand on any part of the house. When Joonmyun comes into the kitchen to get the things out of the cooler, Jongin takes the car keys off the floor and goes to the door. "Where are you going?" Joonmyun asks, voice so tired and heavy it kills Jongin more than a little bit.
"Going to clean the car, I know how you hate when it's dirty."
"Jongin, leave it. It's not important now."
"Yes it is, you have to go to work tomorrow."
"I'll take the bus."
"I don't want you to take the bus."
"Why is everything about what you want?"
It feels like a slap to his face, and since he deserves it, it stings like ice.
"Fuck!" Joonmyun groans, bitting his lower lip enough to tear the already chapped skin. "Fuck! I'm so stupid." He goes to Jongin and hugs him. "Why am I like this to you? Why do I lose my patience?"
Jongin knows why, but he's not sure Joonmyun actually wants an answer.
"I'm sorry. It's my fault." Everything is always Jongin's fault, he knows it.
"No it's not, it's mine," Joonmyun urges, hands cupping Jongin's face. "I used to be better to you. Lately I'm just so tired and cranky."
"Because of me," Jongin says, and his eyes drop to Joonmyun's feet. His toe, from when Jongin almost pried it off, is still ugly and purple; the only ugly thing about Joonmyun, and Jongin caused it.
"Stop looking at my toe," Joonmyun says, knowing Jongin's looking at it because he always does when he feels guilty. "That wasn't your fault."
Jongin doesn't want to argue now. He doesn't want to see Joonmyun suffering anymore because of him so he takes the keys and leaves, ignoring Joonmyun calling him back.
He cleans out the rugs, buys a bottle of water, goes inside the gas station's bathroom and cleans off some of the sand in his toes, takes the car to get washed, and then sits in the car and waits in the parking lot for 40 minutes.
Waits for what? He isn't sure. He gets out of the car when the guard asks him if everything is okay. He answers he's fine, even though he's not, and goes back up to their apartment.
When Jongin steps open the door, Joonmyun is sleeping on the couch, on the tv there's some reality show Jongin knows Joonmyun hates and only watches when his life is so bad he wants to be reminded some people have it worse. It's one about a young teenage mom and she's trying to get her parents to babysit her child so she can go out partying. Jongin would've rejected her if she were his child, but the parents take the baby and complain about it the entire night. Jongin looks down at Joonmyun and wonders if that's what he does, take care of him but hate every second of it. He wonders if Jongin is a burden to him, if they're together because Joonmyun can't find a way to break up with him.
Jongin turns the tv off--hating the mindless chatter of half-people, half-products--puts Joonmyun's head on his lap, and combs his hair back. He sighs and closes his eyes, wishing his life were more simple like this. He wishes he could take care of Joonmyun sometimes. Instead of always being the worrier, Joonmyun deserves to be taken care of too. Jongin knows Joonmyun deserves an entire world he can't give him.
Jongin moves his left leg to get comfortable which causes Joonmyun to stir a little. He turns his head and opens his eyes at Jongin, smiling a bit when he sees their position. "I'm sorry," Joonmyun whispers and Jongin shakes his head, kissing him again and again until Joonmyun complains his neck hurts in this position. "I'm sorry about the way I treated you and the things I sai-"
Jongin shakes his head. "Please don't apologize. Let's just forget this morning ever happened."
Joonmyun looks at him like he knows Jongin won't do that. Jongin is going to beat himself up about it for days, weeks, to come. He's going to replay it in his head, analyze what he did wrong and how he can change it. Joonmyun knows this because Jongin admitted it during one of their therapy sessions. The problem with therapy is that what happens in therapy doesn't stay there. What happens in therapy comes home with you and makes you regret you ever said anything in the first place.
Jongin stands and picks Joonmyun up, unleashing a pleasant laugh from Joonmyun's pleasant mouth.
"I'm putting you to bed now," Jongin says, with an air of importance, as if this were a great task.
On their way to bed, Jongin catches sight of a photograph they took at the beginning of their relationship. Jongin's skin was lighter in comparison to Joonmyun's because Joonmyun had been on vacation in the Caribbean. Jongin's smile makes his eyes disappear and Joonmyun's makes the entire picture glow.
"Remember when that was taken?" Jonmyun asks, looking at it as well. "You were so drunk."
"I was nervous," Jongin admits. "Our third date and I still had no clue how to talk to you. I had missed you over winter break, but I didn't want to seem clingy."
"I thought you didn't like me," Joonmyun says, kissing Jongin's neck. "I kept asking my friends if I was doing something wrong."
"You did everything right. You always do."
Joonmyun laughs. "Yeah, like when I put the bookshelf together as a surprise for you and it dismantled two days later." He turns red, embarrassed, remembering. "You put a book in it and it collapsed."
"It was sweet of you to try," Jongin says, carrying him to the their room. He puts Joonmyun on the bed and kisses his lips, his hands trailing to his pants. He removes his sweats, kissing hip bones and massaging thighs.
"Don't," Joonnyun moans, putting his hands on Jongin's shoulders. "If you're not gonna - then don't."
"Who said I'm not going to?" Jongin whispers onto Joonmyun's stomach.
"I don't want you to feel like you have to," Joonmyun says, but his hips are bucking up, legs shaking, "do anything you don't want to."
"Now who wouldn't want to do this," Jongin says, his hand going inside Joonmyun's underwear, "to you."
Joonmyum swallows, hands fisting in the sheets. "You," he chokes out. Jongin's hand stills and he looks up at Joonmyun through a curtain of hair.
"Of course I do, I just can't every time you want to."
Joonmyun sighs and nods, pulling Jongin up by his shoulders. "I know." Joonmyun kisses him, his own mouth fighting for control. "I know you can't. So if you can't now, just let me know. I never want to be an obligation to you."
Jongin could say the same to him, but he kisses him instead and rolls onto the empty part of the bed. Jongin doesn't want to have to force himself, but if he told Joonmyun the truth, Joonmyun would think he's never in the mood. Maybe being honest once won't kill them. "I have to take a shower anyway." Jongin sits up, not daring to look at him.
"Okay," Joonmyun says, sitting up as well. "I'm going to eat. I'm so hungry, aren't you?"
Jongin shrugs. "I'll eat later."
He goes inside the bathroom and turns on the shower, allowing the water to heat up. He stares at himself in the mirror, hears Joonmyun move around their room, and lets out a deep sigh. Jongin hates himself each time he makes Joonmyun sad. He wasn't this bad before. He doesn't want to admit it, but he's gotten worse since he stopped taking his medication. Sure, he was always drowsy and his eyes were foggy, but at least he could have sex with his boyfriend whenever they wanted to. Now, he can't get out of bed so often, he had to quit his job, and work from home for an Internet website. Joonmyun says he's proud of him, but how proud can he be of minimum wage and having to make up more than half of their rent each month by himself.
Jongin gets in the shower and rinses off the remaining sand first before scrubbing his skin away with soap. Joonmyun doesn't know this, but on his worst days, Jongin uses Joonnyun's soap. Joonmyun buys expensive soap, the kind that leaves his skin glowing and soft for hours. Jongin has no problem using the generic cheap bar soap, but sometimes he needs to feel smooth and smelling like Joonmyun when he's at work. It's like putting on a new skin; a clean, pure skin that helps Jongin pretend his past doesn't exist and his future will be brighter. It's stupid really, but sometimes all it takes is soap to get Jongin through the day.
He washes off and puts a towel around his waist before walking into the kitchen. Joonmyun has soft music on, by some artist Jongin would remember the name of if he payed better attention, and he's dancing. He still hasn't noticed Jongin's presence, and he sways his hips, switching his weight from foot to foot. Jongin watches, small smile playing on his lips, as Joonmyun loses tempo and fumbles a little. He looks beautiful to Jongin, and he can't take his eyes off of him. Joonmyun turns around in one swift move as the song crescendos and stops, eyes meeting Jongin's.
"How much did you see?" he asks, butting on his lower lip.
"Not enough," Jongin says. "Give it another go."
"No." Joonmyun turns around to lower the pasta. "Now I'm embarrassed."
"Don't be," Jongin moves closer and hugs him from behind. "I love how you dance."
Joonmyun shakes his head. "I have two left feet."
"Two very cute left feet," Jongin says into his neck. "It's passion that's important when dancing and you have that."
Joonmyun looks up at him and frowns. He looks at him for a long time, and Jongin wonders how much he's holding back of what he really wants to say. "You used to love dancing," is what he says finally. "I'm sorry you had to stop."
"Yeah." Jongin nods, stepping back. "Me too."
They eat dinner quietly and go to bed quietly. On most nights, the silence is comforting, but sometimes, the silence is so suffocating it has Jongin laying awake without being able to sleep. Sadly, those nights occur more frequently and Jongin can't remember the last time he had a full night's sleep.
Jongin doesn't know how long he can hang on to this. On the surface he acts okay, but all he wants to do is sleep and never wake up.
Sometimes he dreams of Joonmyun. In his dreams, they're like they used to be. Two fumbling kids with no clue what they want in life, but damn sure they want each other. With the years that want turned into a need. A need so strong Jongin doesn't know what he'd do without Joonmyun. That night he tries to not dream at all. He wakes up disappointed again.
Part 2