Scenes from a train
*shakes fist at graycastle*
I can't begin to apologise for how incredibly wrong this one is.
With sincere apologies to Messrs Pratchett, Gaiman, Rodgers, Hammerstein and Disney.
The Sound of Omens
OPENING SHOT: A beautiful and endless blue sky. The camera shot swoops past a couple of surprised looking angels, who point downwards. We shoot downwards through the clouds and see a panorama of the Austrian Alps. Following the mountains down to their foothills, we see a small figure spinning round on top of a hill on the outskirts of Salzburg. As the camera shot close in, we see that it is AZIRAPHALE, dressed in a novice’s habit. He looks slightly drugged out and extremely gay.
AZIRAPHALE (sings):
The hills are alive with the sound of music,
With songs they have sung for six thousand years.
Bells ring, and AZIRAPHALE looks round guiltily, grabs his veil and runs down the hill. There is a montage of shots showing him running in late for Mass; dropping the chalice when he is cleaning the church; sliding down the banisters; daydreaming in his doctrine class and only ever being on time for meals.
METATRON: He’s got to go.
SHADWELL: Aye, he’s a useless southern pansy.
* * *
The Mother Superior’s office. AZIRAPHALE kneels and kisses METATRON’S hand.
METATRON: Aziraphale, have you ever thought about not taking your final vows? Answer freely, it’s a purely hypothetical question.
AZIRAPHALE: Oh no, Reverend Mother. I want to be a nun more than anything.
METATRON (mutters): Crap. (Aloud) Remember your vow of obedience?
AZIRAPHALE (warily): Yes?
METATRON: There’s an ad in the paper. A local nobleman is looking for a governess for his seven children. Sister Shadwell has already packed your things.
AZIRAPHALE: What? Seven children? Governess? Don’t you mean tutor? Who is this fellow?
METATRON: Didn’t you also take a vow of silence? Anyway, he’s a naval captain.
AZIRAPHALE: But this is a land-locked country!
* * *
We next see AZIRAPHALE struggling off a bus. He is carrying a very small carpet bag and a very large harp case. He staggers up to the gates of the enormous and intimidating Villa von Crowley, and meekly rings the bell. He is admitted by the butler and made wait in the hall. He immediately noses around and is caught by CAPTAIN VON CROWLEY, who glares at him.
CROWLEY: Crap. An angel. I’m sure the ad said no angels.
AZIRAPHALE: The convent sent me.
CROWLEY: Well, this day just gets better and better.
He blows a series of signals on a whistle, and the CHILDREN rush out and line up in order of height. As each of them is introduced the girls curtsey, and the boys click their heels together and bow.
CROWLEY: These are my children. Ligur, my eldest daughter; Newt, my eldest son; Anathema, my second daughter; Adam, my second son; and my younger girls, Pepper, Brian and Wensleydale. Here, have a whistle, it’s the only way to control the little shits.
AZIRAPHALE: Oh no, Captain. That’s no way to treat children. I will win them over with love and respect.
CROWLEY: Suit yourself. I’ll go run the ad again.
He leaves, muttering something about “bloody angels”. The CHILDREN surround AZIRAPHALE, bloodlust in their eyes.
LIGUR: Our last governess didn’t last two hours.
ANATHEMA: I foresee this one won’t last much longer.
AZIRAPHALE: What lovely girls! And I’m er, your tutor, not your governess. Now, my dears, I’m not sure if I have this right, but - your daddy is a demon, isn’t he?
ALL CHILDREN: Yesssssss.
AZIRAPHALE: Well, I’m sure we’ll all get along splendidly. Excuse me while I back away slowly and barricade myself in my room for a while.
* * *
That night, HASTUR the messenger boy delivers a telegram from VON CROWLEY’S girlfriend, the widowed BARONESS AGNES VON NUTTER. LIGUR sneaks out to meet with HASTUR.
LIGUR: Oy, Hastur, you big lunk!
HASTUR: That’s what I likes about you, Ligur, your upper-class refinement. You’re just a slip of a girl, you need someone to hang round stalking you to make sure nuffink bad happens you.
HASTUR (sings):
I am lurking, going on skulking
I can lurk all night
Around the corner, there I’ll be hulking
I’ll give you quite a fright.
LIGUR give a girlish giggle. They dance around the summerhouse as it begins to rain, and snog wildly. LIGUR suddenly realises the time and extricates himself from HASTUR’S embrace. He runs off through the rain, and climbs in AZIRAPHALE’S window.
AZIRAPHALE (praying): And protect me, Lord, from people creeping in my window at night. Hello, Ligur. Were you out for a walk all by yourself?
LIGUR: Yes. Definitely by myself. No messenger boys at all.
AZIRAPHALE: And you half tore your clothes off by yourself as well? (sighs) I’ll sew it up, your father will never know. Go put on something dry in my bathroom.
There is a loud peal of thunder, and all the other CHILDREN run in, shaking with fear.
WENSLEYDALE: God’s coming to get us!
AZIRAPHALE: Don’t be so silly. You know, when I get scared I think of nice things, and I don’t feel worried at all.
(sings)
Pretty young boys in waistcoats and nice sashes,
A little light kiss on my nose or eyelashes
Running up mountains, and skipping through springs
These are a few of my favourite things,
Sweet little puppies and whiskers on kittens
Too much dessert and rare first editions,
Getting plastered with demons and stretching my wings,
These are a few of my favourite things!
When the bill comes, when the world ends,
When I’m feeling - er - bad
I just think of my favourite things
And then I don’t feel so sad.
The CHILDREN regard him with unalloyed horror. CROWLEY walks in on them and chases them out.
CROWLEY: I’d ask why you were singing to my children in your bedroom in the middle of the night, but I really don’t want to know. I’m leaving tomorrow for Vienna, and I want discipline maintained.
AZIRAPHALE: Can I make them some play-clothes?
CROWLEY: Absolutely not! Von Crowley children do not play - they practice their tempting and tormenting. I want them to have at least two hours with their pitchforks every morning, you stupid angel.
He sneers at AZIRAPHALE’S negligee and leaves. AZIRAPHALE sighs and clasps his hands together.
AZIRAPHALE: He’s so rude! And so dreamy.
He looks consideringly at the curtains.
* * *
The next time we see the CHILDREN they are wearing horrid sundresses (even the boys) made out of the bunny-and-flower design curtains. They skip around the hills happily, ride bikes and eat picnics. AZIRAPHALE teaches them to sing, playing a simple song on the harp.
AZIRAPHALE: It’s very easy. When you write you begin with?
The CHILDREN look uneasily at each other. Finally PEPPER ventures:
PEPPER: A, B, C?
AZIRAPHALE: Yes! And when you sing you begin with Do, Re, Me
(sings)
Do - a good deed every day
Re - a false god on the run
Me - a name I call myself
Fa - a shower gel that’s quite fun
So - your buttons on by hand
La - er, um, bugger - a note to follow So
Te - a drink that’s really grand
And that brings us back to Do.
The CHILDREN regard him with unalloyed horror.
* * *
Villa von Crowley. CROWLEY and the BARONESS AGNES VON NUTTER stroll by the lake, arm in arm.
AGNES: Thou art a fabulously wealthy widower. And also hotte.
CROWLEY: Guilty on both charges.
AGNES: Thou wilt be myne.
CROWLEY: Eek.
AZIRAPHALE and the CHILDREN row a small boat into view. The CHILDREN all begin to shriek and hiss in excitement when they see CROWLEY, and the boat overturns. They all struggle to shore.
CROWLEY: Out of the blessed water, you little shits! This is the Baroness von Nutter; Agnes, this is my brood. What the hell are you wearing? Go put your uniforms on.
AZIRAPHALE: That’s not a nice way to speak to your children. They were happy to see you. There’s more to childhood than pitchfork lessons, you know.
CROWLEY (outraged): How dare you have an opinion on my children’s education!
AZIRAPHALE: Isn’t that why you employed me? As their governess - er, tutor?
AGNES: Who be thys personne, Anthony?
CROWLEY: This is Fraulein Aziraphale, my children’s newly unemployed governess.
AZIRAPHALE: Tutor!
AGNES: Thou art no rivall unto myneself for his affections.
AZIRAPHALE: We’ll see about that.
CROWLEY: Eek.
Inside the house, singing is heard. CROWLEY investigates and finds the CHILDREN singing away. He looks sad, as if he is remembering happier times. AZIRAPHALE squelches past, on his way to pack his things.
CROWLEY: Fraulein! I’m sorry, you’re not really fired. I’ve been more of a bastard than usual since my dear wife died.
AZIRAPHALE: How awful for you, you poor dear. How did she die?
CROWLEY looks shifty.
CROWLEY: We, um, won’t go into that at the moment.
* * *
That night, the CHILDREN put on a puppet show for CROWLEY, AGNES and AZIRAPHALE. The show starts with a miserable looking, black-clad demon puppet, its wings drooping on the ground.
CHILDREN (sing):
High on a hill stood a lonely demon
Lay-io-lay-io-lay-io
All by himself evil plots he was schemin’
Lay-io-lay-io-lo
Year after year he got the runaround
Lay-io-lay-io-lay-io
Kicked up the arse by his bosses Underground
Lay-io-lay-io-lo
(A white-clad angel puppet slowly descends, wings outstretched).
Then one day along came an angel
Lay-io-lay-io-lay-io
Messed up his plans but made an Arrangement
Lay-io-lay-io-lo
(The demon puppet and the angel puppet make eyes at each other)
The angel and demon now hang out together
Lay-io-lay-io-lay-io
Want to stay on this earth forever
Lay-io-lay-io-lo
(The demon puppet and angel puppet sit at a table laden with wine glasses. They appear to be holding hands).
CROWLEY (agitated): Crap. Pay no attention to the children behind the curtain. (He turns to AZIRAPHALE) Do you think anyone noticed?
AZIRAPHALE (wipes AGNES’ memory): Don’t think so. You’d better do the kids.
* * *
CROWLEY throws a big party, and invites all the local bigwigs.
RANDOM NAZI OFFICIAL: We’re all Germans now.
CROWLEY: Piss off, I’m Austrian.
RANDOM NAZI OFFICIAL: Why don’t you join the Party?
CROWLEY: I may be a demon, but I’m not sinking that low.
Outside the ballroom, AZIRAPHALE is trying to demonstrate a folk dance to ADAM, but is failing spectacularly, because it isn’t the gavotte.
ADAM: I could just make you a good dancer, Fraulein Aziraphale.
AZIRAPHALE: What have I told you about unravelling the fabric of reality, young man? And it’s Herr Aziraphale, honestly, I’ve told you enough times.
ADAM: Sorry, Fraulein.
CROWLEY takes over as AZIRAPHALE’S dance partner. All sense of grace deserts him the moment they start dancing. The CHILDREN regard them with unalloyed horror. As the dance ends they stare into each other’s eyes in a haze of Unresolved Sexual Tension.
CROWLEY (clears throat): Why don’t you run upstairs and put on a nice frock and join us for dinner?
AZIRAPHALE hotfoots it. CROWLEY wanders round outside, musing.
CROWLEY (sings):
Angel mine, angel mine
Every morning you greet me
Neat and nice, food’s your vice
You seem happy to meet me
Above or Below may you never go
Fall nor Ascend don’t ever
Angel mine, angel mine
On earth stay with me forever.
The CHILDREN regard him with unalloyed horror. AGNES retreats from where she has been eavesdropping and runs up to AZIRAPHALE’S room. He is trying on frocks.
AGNES: Thou slapper. Hast thou forgotten thyne oathe of chastity?
AZIRAPHALE: Do you think I look fat in this?
AGNES: Hearken unto me, trollop. Dost thou want hym to get into thy knickers?
AZIRAPHALE: Honestly?
AGNES: Thou art very naughty. Thou shouldst flee wythe thy chastity intact.
AZIRAPHALE: Oh. Right. I suppose I should.
He runs away.
* * *
Villa von Crowley. CROWLEY and AGNES are strolling round again. CROWLEY seems distracted.
AGNES: A farthing for thy thoughts, Anthony.
CROWLEY: The children - they seem so lost without Aziraphale.
AGNES: Send thou thy brood of demon spawn unto a boarding school.
CROWLEY: Demon spawn? That’s not very nice. Accurate maybe, but not nice.
AGNES: It be both nice and accurate. Swive me, sailor boy.
CROWLEY: Eek.
He runs away.
* * *
The Abbey. The CHILDREN congregate outside the gates
LIGUR: We want to see Fraulein Aziraphale!
SHADWELL: Och, theer’s a crowd o’ wee demons at the gate. Begone foul spawn o’ Hell!
BRIAN: Please let us see him. Our father’s a baron, and very rich.
WENSLEYDALE: And he fought in the War!
NEWT: He could buy your abbey an automatic bell-pulling mechanism, and I could look after it for you.
PEPPER: If you don’t let us in, our father will consign you all to eternal damnation!
ADAM: And if he doesn’t, I will!
ANATHEMA: We’re being polite you know.
SHADWELL: Awa’ wi’ ye!
He produces bell, book and candle. The CHILDREN run away quickly.
* * *
The Mother Superior’s office. METATRON and AZIRAPHALE are discussing the matter at hand.
METATRON: Are you in love with Captain von Crowley?
AZIRAPHALE: I don’t know. I feel all - squishy - when he looks at me.
METATRON: Aziraphale, it’s not that bad. He seems like a rich enough chap.
AZIRAPHALE: He’s a demon, Reverend Mother! Oh, please let me take my final vows right now! Then I could stay with you all forever!
The abbey gates open. AZIRAPHALE is tossed out by some hefty nuns.
* * *
Villa von Crowley. The CHILDREN trail in dejectedly.
CROWLEY: Hey kids, I’m marrying the Baroness!
CHILDREN: hissssss
AGNES: They be a poore reflection upon thy parenting skylls, Anthony.
CROWLEY: No dinner for you, you rude little shits.
AZIRAPHALE drags himself, his carpet bag and his harp case up the steps.
CHILDREN: Hurray!
AZIRAPHALE: Hello, what’s been happening since I was gone?
ANATHEMA: Daddy’s marrying the Baroness.
AZIRAPHALE: Crap.
AGNES: I hath won. He be myne.
CROWLEY: Eek.
* * *
Night. CROWLEY and AGNES stand on the balcony. CROWLEY is watching AZIRAPHALE wandering round by the lake side.
AGNES: Let us married upon the morrow be.
CROWLEY: Um.
AGNES: Thou seemest not overjoyed. Is aught wrong?
CROWLEY: Agnes, it’s not that I’m not awfully fond of you -
AGNES: It be that trollop in the veil.
CROWLEY: Er, yes.
AGNES: I shall hie me back to Vienna. Fare thee well, Anthony.
She leaves. CROWLEY goes down to the summerhouse, where AZIRAPHALE is moping around. CROWLEY gooses AZIRAPHALE.
AZIRAPHALE: Gerroff. What would the Baroness say?
CROWLEY: She’s history. Why did you run away? The children missed you! I missed you! Don’t do that again. You should stay here for a life of sin and debauchery, if you’re not stupider than you look.
AZIRAPHALE: Why are you so rude? I know you’re better than that.
CROWLEY: Yeah, right.
AZIRAPHALE: I know that deep inside you love your children and you’re really quite a decent fellow.
CROWLEY: Piffle. I know that you have a little bit of evil in you.
AZIRAPHALE: I do not.
CROWLEY (winks): Would you like a little bit of evil in you?
AZIRAPHALE: Well, I never.
CROWLEY: Believe me, that’s obvious.
AZIRAPHALE: Wait, are you asking me to marry you?
CROWLEY: If that’s what it takes.
(He smiles seductively, holds out a hand to AZIRAPHALE and sings)
Trussst in me, jussst in me.
Clossse your eyesss, trussst in me -
AZIRAPHALE (whispers): Crowley! Wrong song! Wrong film, in fact!
CROWLEY: Are you sure? I thought this was next.
AZIRAPHALE: Which one of us is the musicals fan? I’m telling you, it’s the wrong song.
CROWLEY (sulkily): I think it suits my singing voice.
AZIRAPHALE (cajoling): You can sing it to me later, all right?
They realise they are being watched in fascination by the CHILDREN who have crept up on them, and get back to the scene. They hold hands and smile at each other. The scene fades out, and almost immediately fades back in. We hear them arguing.
AZIRAPHALE: I’m telling you, I want to get married in church.
CROWLEY: And I’m telling you that’s not going to happen. Registry office or nothing.
AZIRAPHALE: No way.
* * *
The Registry Office. CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE stand in front of a bemused registrar. The CHILDREN surround them.
REGISTRAR: I now pronounce you husband and - (his voice trails off under AZIRAPHALE’S glare) - Congratulations! You’re married!
CHILDREN: Hurray! Daddy! Mummy!
AZIRAPHALE pointedly turns his head as CROWLEY tries to kiss him.
AZIRAPHALE (sulking): I have a headache.
CROWLEY: Children! Did you bring the Tylenol, Anadin, Panadeine and Feminax like I told you?
CHILDREN: Yessssss, Daddy!
* * *
Salzburg town centre. HASTUR, wearing the uniform of the Hitler Youth, comes up to LIGUR.
HASTUR: Here’s a telegram for yer dad. I’ve joined the Hitler Yoof. I know he don’t agree with that, but tough.
LIGUR: We’s a family of demons, Hastur. Why wouldn’t he approve of you joinin’ an evil organisation?
HASTUR: Just give him the telegram.
* * *
Villa von Crowley. A large flag of the Reich hangs over the entrance. CROWLEY pulls it down and shreds it.
CROWLEY: Bugger this.
The CHILDREN come up to the house.
CHILDREN: Daddy! You’re back from honeymoon!
AZIRAPHALE: Hello, dears.
CHILDREN: Mummy! Mummy!
LIGUR: Here’s a telegram, Daddy.
He takes it and reads it. LIGUR takes one look at his face and flees.
AZIRAPHALE: I take it we haven’t won the lottery?
CROWLEY: I’ve been given a commission in the German navy. Screw this. We’re fleeing the country.
* * *
Night-time. CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE push the Bentley down the drive, followed by the CHILDREN. When they get outside the gates, they are blinded by headlights.
RANDOM NAZI OFFICIAL: Were you going somewhere, von Crowley?
CROWLEY: Just taking the car for a walk.
RANDOM NAZI OFFICIAL: We are most anxious for you to accept your commission in the navy of the Reich.
CROWLEY: Like hell.
RANDOM NAZI OFFICIAL: But first, you and your family must sing at the Salzburg Folk Singers Festival tonight to celebrate Teutonic culture!
CROWLEY: You’re not entirely sane, are you?
* * *
Salzburg. The Festival. The entire VON CROWLEY FAMILY stand on stage and sing a medley of all their songs from the entire movie, accompanied by AZIRAPHALE’S harp music. The CHILDREN line up in order of height, with CROWLEY at one end and AZIRAPHALE at the other. They all hold hands.
CROWLEY (sings): So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, fuck you.
CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE both snap their fingers and the family vanishes.
* * *
The Abbey. The VON CROWLEYS cower as far back from the church as they can.
CROWLEY: Why are we hiding in the abbey? We should have gone straight to Switzerland.
AZIRAPHALE: It must have been because I was thinking there’s no place like home.
CROWLEY: You still think of the abbey as home even though we’re married? I’m disturbed. And strangely aroused. Let me see you in a wimple.
METATRON: There’s no time for that, here come the Nazis.
(sings)
Climb every mountain, ford every stream
Run from the Nazis to the next scene.
The family hides.
RANDOM NAZI OFFICIAL: Hand over the von Crowley family!
METATRON: Who?
RANDOM NAZI OFFICIAL: We will burn down the abbey!
METATRON: I’m composed entirely of flames. I’m not that worried.
RANDOM NAZI OFFICIAL: Ooh, you’re in for it now.
METATRON: I will call for someone to deal with your request. Oh, Sister Shadwell!
SHADWELL (rolls up sleeves): Aye, weel, bring it on, ye wee Nazi shites.
HASTUR discovers the family’s hiding place
HASTUR: Ah-hah! Prepare to feel my Aryan wrath!
CROWLEY: You’re not an Aryan, you moron, you’re a demon.
LIGUR: If you love me, let us go!
HASTUR (stunned): If I what you?
The family takes advantage of HASTUR’S shock to run away.
LIGUR (over his shoulder): I’ll write!
In the background, battered Nazis are seen fleeing the abbey.
* * *
The magnificent Austrian Alps. The VON CROWLEY FAMILY climbs higher and higher. The CHILDREN frolic and sing as their parents lead them towards the Swiss border.
AZIRAPHALE: You know, we’ll only be able to carry the four smallest ones between us. Will the others be able to fly that far?
CROWLEY (shrugs): Eh, who knows. I can spare a few.
AZIRAPHALE: Urk.
CROWLEY: Joke, Aziraphale, just a joke.
AZIRAPHALE: Um, darling? I’ve got some exciting news for you.
He whispers in CROWLEY’S ear. CROWLEY stands there stunned as AZIRAPHALE goes pink, and runs off in front of the CHILDREN.
AZIRAPHALE: Come on children, we have to climb as high as we can before we start flying.
CROWLEY (to himself): How will I ever afford eight blessed college fees?
The camera shot wheels up, giving us a panoramic view of the Alps. We go higher and higher, finally breaking cloud cover. Angels dart away from the camera, and the sky is blue and endless.
END CREDITS.
I can't begin to apologise for how incredibly wrong this one is.
With sincere apologies to Messrs Pratchett, Gaiman, Rodgers, Hammerstein and Disney.
The Sound of Omens
OPENING SHOT: A beautiful and endless blue sky. The camera shot swoops past a couple of surprised looking angels, who point downwards. We shoot downwards through the clouds and see a panorama of the Austrian Alps. Following the mountains down to their foothills, we see a small figure spinning round on top of a hill on the outskirts of Salzburg. As the camera shot close in, we see that it is AZIRAPHALE, dressed in a novice’s habit. He looks slightly drugged out and extremely gay.
AZIRAPHALE (sings):
The hills are alive with the sound of music,
With songs they have sung for six thousand years.
Bells ring, and AZIRAPHALE looks round guiltily, grabs his veil and runs down the hill. There is a montage of shots showing him running in late for Mass; dropping the chalice when he is cleaning the church; sliding down the banisters; daydreaming in his doctrine class and only ever being on time for meals.
METATRON: He’s got to go.
SHADWELL: Aye, he’s a useless southern pansy.
* * *
The Mother Superior’s office. AZIRAPHALE kneels and kisses METATRON’S hand.
METATRON: Aziraphale, have you ever thought about not taking your final vows? Answer freely, it’s a purely hypothetical question.
AZIRAPHALE: Oh no, Reverend Mother. I want to be a nun more than anything.
METATRON (mutters): Crap. (Aloud) Remember your vow of obedience?
AZIRAPHALE (warily): Yes?
METATRON: There’s an ad in the paper. A local nobleman is looking for a governess for his seven children. Sister Shadwell has already packed your things.
AZIRAPHALE: What? Seven children? Governess? Don’t you mean tutor? Who is this fellow?
METATRON: Didn’t you also take a vow of silence? Anyway, he’s a naval captain.
AZIRAPHALE: But this is a land-locked country!
* * *
We next see AZIRAPHALE struggling off a bus. He is carrying a very small carpet bag and a very large harp case. He staggers up to the gates of the enormous and intimidating Villa von Crowley, and meekly rings the bell. He is admitted by the butler and made wait in the hall. He immediately noses around and is caught by CAPTAIN VON CROWLEY, who glares at him.
CROWLEY: Crap. An angel. I’m sure the ad said no angels.
AZIRAPHALE: The convent sent me.
CROWLEY: Well, this day just gets better and better.
He blows a series of signals on a whistle, and the CHILDREN rush out and line up in order of height. As each of them is introduced the girls curtsey, and the boys click their heels together and bow.
CROWLEY: These are my children. Ligur, my eldest daughter; Newt, my eldest son; Anathema, my second daughter; Adam, my second son; and my younger girls, Pepper, Brian and Wensleydale. Here, have a whistle, it’s the only way to control the little shits.
AZIRAPHALE: Oh no, Captain. That’s no way to treat children. I will win them over with love and respect.
CROWLEY: Suit yourself. I’ll go run the ad again.
He leaves, muttering something about “bloody angels”. The CHILDREN surround AZIRAPHALE, bloodlust in their eyes.
LIGUR: Our last governess didn’t last two hours.
ANATHEMA: I foresee this one won’t last much longer.
AZIRAPHALE: What lovely girls! And I’m er, your tutor, not your governess. Now, my dears, I’m not sure if I have this right, but - your daddy is a demon, isn’t he?
ALL CHILDREN: Yesssssss.
AZIRAPHALE: Well, I’m sure we’ll all get along splendidly. Excuse me while I back away slowly and barricade myself in my room for a while.
* * *
That night, HASTUR the messenger boy delivers a telegram from VON CROWLEY’S girlfriend, the widowed BARONESS AGNES VON NUTTER. LIGUR sneaks out to meet with HASTUR.
LIGUR: Oy, Hastur, you big lunk!
HASTUR: That’s what I likes about you, Ligur, your upper-class refinement. You’re just a slip of a girl, you need someone to hang round stalking you to make sure nuffink bad happens you.
HASTUR (sings):
I am lurking, going on skulking
I can lurk all night
Around the corner, there I’ll be hulking
I’ll give you quite a fright.
LIGUR give a girlish giggle. They dance around the summerhouse as it begins to rain, and snog wildly. LIGUR suddenly realises the time and extricates himself from HASTUR’S embrace. He runs off through the rain, and climbs in AZIRAPHALE’S window.
AZIRAPHALE (praying): And protect me, Lord, from people creeping in my window at night. Hello, Ligur. Were you out for a walk all by yourself?
LIGUR: Yes. Definitely by myself. No messenger boys at all.
AZIRAPHALE: And you half tore your clothes off by yourself as well? (sighs) I’ll sew it up, your father will never know. Go put on something dry in my bathroom.
There is a loud peal of thunder, and all the other CHILDREN run in, shaking with fear.
WENSLEYDALE: God’s coming to get us!
AZIRAPHALE: Don’t be so silly. You know, when I get scared I think of nice things, and I don’t feel worried at all.
(sings)
Pretty young boys in waistcoats and nice sashes,
A little light kiss on my nose or eyelashes
Running up mountains, and skipping through springs
These are a few of my favourite things,
Sweet little puppies and whiskers on kittens
Too much dessert and rare first editions,
Getting plastered with demons and stretching my wings,
These are a few of my favourite things!
When the bill comes, when the world ends,
When I’m feeling - er - bad
I just think of my favourite things
And then I don’t feel so sad.
The CHILDREN regard him with unalloyed horror. CROWLEY walks in on them and chases them out.
CROWLEY: I’d ask why you were singing to my children in your bedroom in the middle of the night, but I really don’t want to know. I’m leaving tomorrow for Vienna, and I want discipline maintained.
AZIRAPHALE: Can I make them some play-clothes?
CROWLEY: Absolutely not! Von Crowley children do not play - they practice their tempting and tormenting. I want them to have at least two hours with their pitchforks every morning, you stupid angel.
He sneers at AZIRAPHALE’S negligee and leaves. AZIRAPHALE sighs and clasps his hands together.
AZIRAPHALE: He’s so rude! And so dreamy.
He looks consideringly at the curtains.
* * *
The next time we see the CHILDREN they are wearing horrid sundresses (even the boys) made out of the bunny-and-flower design curtains. They skip around the hills happily, ride bikes and eat picnics. AZIRAPHALE teaches them to sing, playing a simple song on the harp.
AZIRAPHALE: It’s very easy. When you write you begin with?
The CHILDREN look uneasily at each other. Finally PEPPER ventures:
PEPPER: A, B, C?
AZIRAPHALE: Yes! And when you sing you begin with Do, Re, Me
(sings)
Do - a good deed every day
Re - a false god on the run
Me - a name I call myself
Fa - a shower gel that’s quite fun
So - your buttons on by hand
La - er, um, bugger - a note to follow So
Te - a drink that’s really grand
And that brings us back to Do.
The CHILDREN regard him with unalloyed horror.
* * *
Villa von Crowley. CROWLEY and the BARONESS AGNES VON NUTTER stroll by the lake, arm in arm.
AGNES: Thou art a fabulously wealthy widower. And also hotte.
CROWLEY: Guilty on both charges.
AGNES: Thou wilt be myne.
CROWLEY: Eek.
AZIRAPHALE and the CHILDREN row a small boat into view. The CHILDREN all begin to shriek and hiss in excitement when they see CROWLEY, and the boat overturns. They all struggle to shore.
CROWLEY: Out of the blessed water, you little shits! This is the Baroness von Nutter; Agnes, this is my brood. What the hell are you wearing? Go put your uniforms on.
AZIRAPHALE: That’s not a nice way to speak to your children. They were happy to see you. There’s more to childhood than pitchfork lessons, you know.
CROWLEY (outraged): How dare you have an opinion on my children’s education!
AZIRAPHALE: Isn’t that why you employed me? As their governess - er, tutor?
AGNES: Who be thys personne, Anthony?
CROWLEY: This is Fraulein Aziraphale, my children’s newly unemployed governess.
AZIRAPHALE: Tutor!
AGNES: Thou art no rivall unto myneself for his affections.
AZIRAPHALE: We’ll see about that.
CROWLEY: Eek.
Inside the house, singing is heard. CROWLEY investigates and finds the CHILDREN singing away. He looks sad, as if he is remembering happier times. AZIRAPHALE squelches past, on his way to pack his things.
CROWLEY: Fraulein! I’m sorry, you’re not really fired. I’ve been more of a bastard than usual since my dear wife died.
AZIRAPHALE: How awful for you, you poor dear. How did she die?
CROWLEY looks shifty.
CROWLEY: We, um, won’t go into that at the moment.
* * *
That night, the CHILDREN put on a puppet show for CROWLEY, AGNES and AZIRAPHALE. The show starts with a miserable looking, black-clad demon puppet, its wings drooping on the ground.
CHILDREN (sing):
High on a hill stood a lonely demon
Lay-io-lay-io-lay-io
All by himself evil plots he was schemin’
Lay-io-lay-io-lo
Year after year he got the runaround
Lay-io-lay-io-lay-io
Kicked up the arse by his bosses Underground
Lay-io-lay-io-lo
(A white-clad angel puppet slowly descends, wings outstretched).
Then one day along came an angel
Lay-io-lay-io-lay-io
Messed up his plans but made an Arrangement
Lay-io-lay-io-lo
(The demon puppet and the angel puppet make eyes at each other)
The angel and demon now hang out together
Lay-io-lay-io-lay-io
Want to stay on this earth forever
Lay-io-lay-io-lo
(The demon puppet and angel puppet sit at a table laden with wine glasses. They appear to be holding hands).
CROWLEY (agitated): Crap. Pay no attention to the children behind the curtain. (He turns to AZIRAPHALE) Do you think anyone noticed?
AZIRAPHALE (wipes AGNES’ memory): Don’t think so. You’d better do the kids.
* * *
CROWLEY throws a big party, and invites all the local bigwigs.
RANDOM NAZI OFFICIAL: We’re all Germans now.
CROWLEY: Piss off, I’m Austrian.
RANDOM NAZI OFFICIAL: Why don’t you join the Party?
CROWLEY: I may be a demon, but I’m not sinking that low.
Outside the ballroom, AZIRAPHALE is trying to demonstrate a folk dance to ADAM, but is failing spectacularly, because it isn’t the gavotte.
ADAM: I could just make you a good dancer, Fraulein Aziraphale.
AZIRAPHALE: What have I told you about unravelling the fabric of reality, young man? And it’s Herr Aziraphale, honestly, I’ve told you enough times.
ADAM: Sorry, Fraulein.
CROWLEY takes over as AZIRAPHALE’S dance partner. All sense of grace deserts him the moment they start dancing. The CHILDREN regard them with unalloyed horror. As the dance ends they stare into each other’s eyes in a haze of Unresolved Sexual Tension.
CROWLEY (clears throat): Why don’t you run upstairs and put on a nice frock and join us for dinner?
AZIRAPHALE hotfoots it. CROWLEY wanders round outside, musing.
CROWLEY (sings):
Angel mine, angel mine
Every morning you greet me
Neat and nice, food’s your vice
You seem happy to meet me
Above or Below may you never go
Fall nor Ascend don’t ever
Angel mine, angel mine
On earth stay with me forever.
The CHILDREN regard him with unalloyed horror. AGNES retreats from where she has been eavesdropping and runs up to AZIRAPHALE’S room. He is trying on frocks.
AGNES: Thou slapper. Hast thou forgotten thyne oathe of chastity?
AZIRAPHALE: Do you think I look fat in this?
AGNES: Hearken unto me, trollop. Dost thou want hym to get into thy knickers?
AZIRAPHALE: Honestly?
AGNES: Thou art very naughty. Thou shouldst flee wythe thy chastity intact.
AZIRAPHALE: Oh. Right. I suppose I should.
He runs away.
* * *
Villa von Crowley. CROWLEY and AGNES are strolling round again. CROWLEY seems distracted.
AGNES: A farthing for thy thoughts, Anthony.
CROWLEY: The children - they seem so lost without Aziraphale.
AGNES: Send thou thy brood of demon spawn unto a boarding school.
CROWLEY: Demon spawn? That’s not very nice. Accurate maybe, but not nice.
AGNES: It be both nice and accurate. Swive me, sailor boy.
CROWLEY: Eek.
He runs away.
* * *
The Abbey. The CHILDREN congregate outside the gates
LIGUR: We want to see Fraulein Aziraphale!
SHADWELL: Och, theer’s a crowd o’ wee demons at the gate. Begone foul spawn o’ Hell!
BRIAN: Please let us see him. Our father’s a baron, and very rich.
WENSLEYDALE: And he fought in the War!
NEWT: He could buy your abbey an automatic bell-pulling mechanism, and I could look after it for you.
PEPPER: If you don’t let us in, our father will consign you all to eternal damnation!
ADAM: And if he doesn’t, I will!
ANATHEMA: We’re being polite you know.
SHADWELL: Awa’ wi’ ye!
He produces bell, book and candle. The CHILDREN run away quickly.
* * *
The Mother Superior’s office. METATRON and AZIRAPHALE are discussing the matter at hand.
METATRON: Are you in love with Captain von Crowley?
AZIRAPHALE: I don’t know. I feel all - squishy - when he looks at me.
METATRON: Aziraphale, it’s not that bad. He seems like a rich enough chap.
AZIRAPHALE: He’s a demon, Reverend Mother! Oh, please let me take my final vows right now! Then I could stay with you all forever!
The abbey gates open. AZIRAPHALE is tossed out by some hefty nuns.
* * *
Villa von Crowley. The CHILDREN trail in dejectedly.
CROWLEY: Hey kids, I’m marrying the Baroness!
CHILDREN: hissssss
AGNES: They be a poore reflection upon thy parenting skylls, Anthony.
CROWLEY: No dinner for you, you rude little shits.
AZIRAPHALE drags himself, his carpet bag and his harp case up the steps.
CHILDREN: Hurray!
AZIRAPHALE: Hello, what’s been happening since I was gone?
ANATHEMA: Daddy’s marrying the Baroness.
AZIRAPHALE: Crap.
AGNES: I hath won. He be myne.
CROWLEY: Eek.
* * *
Night. CROWLEY and AGNES stand on the balcony. CROWLEY is watching AZIRAPHALE wandering round by the lake side.
AGNES: Let us married upon the morrow be.
CROWLEY: Um.
AGNES: Thou seemest not overjoyed. Is aught wrong?
CROWLEY: Agnes, it’s not that I’m not awfully fond of you -
AGNES: It be that trollop in the veil.
CROWLEY: Er, yes.
AGNES: I shall hie me back to Vienna. Fare thee well, Anthony.
She leaves. CROWLEY goes down to the summerhouse, where AZIRAPHALE is moping around. CROWLEY gooses AZIRAPHALE.
AZIRAPHALE: Gerroff. What would the Baroness say?
CROWLEY: She’s history. Why did you run away? The children missed you! I missed you! Don’t do that again. You should stay here for a life of sin and debauchery, if you’re not stupider than you look.
AZIRAPHALE: Why are you so rude? I know you’re better than that.
CROWLEY: Yeah, right.
AZIRAPHALE: I know that deep inside you love your children and you’re really quite a decent fellow.
CROWLEY: Piffle. I know that you have a little bit of evil in you.
AZIRAPHALE: I do not.
CROWLEY (winks): Would you like a little bit of evil in you?
AZIRAPHALE: Well, I never.
CROWLEY: Believe me, that’s obvious.
AZIRAPHALE: Wait, are you asking me to marry you?
CROWLEY: If that’s what it takes.
(He smiles seductively, holds out a hand to AZIRAPHALE and sings)
Trussst in me, jussst in me.
Clossse your eyesss, trussst in me -
AZIRAPHALE (whispers): Crowley! Wrong song! Wrong film, in fact!
CROWLEY: Are you sure? I thought this was next.
AZIRAPHALE: Which one of us is the musicals fan? I’m telling you, it’s the wrong song.
CROWLEY (sulkily): I think it suits my singing voice.
AZIRAPHALE (cajoling): You can sing it to me later, all right?
They realise they are being watched in fascination by the CHILDREN who have crept up on them, and get back to the scene. They hold hands and smile at each other. The scene fades out, and almost immediately fades back in. We hear them arguing.
AZIRAPHALE: I’m telling you, I want to get married in church.
CROWLEY: And I’m telling you that’s not going to happen. Registry office or nothing.
AZIRAPHALE: No way.
* * *
The Registry Office. CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE stand in front of a bemused registrar. The CHILDREN surround them.
REGISTRAR: I now pronounce you husband and - (his voice trails off under AZIRAPHALE’S glare) - Congratulations! You’re married!
CHILDREN: Hurray! Daddy! Mummy!
AZIRAPHALE pointedly turns his head as CROWLEY tries to kiss him.
AZIRAPHALE (sulking): I have a headache.
CROWLEY: Children! Did you bring the Tylenol, Anadin, Panadeine and Feminax like I told you?
CHILDREN: Yessssss, Daddy!
* * *
Salzburg town centre. HASTUR, wearing the uniform of the Hitler Youth, comes up to LIGUR.
HASTUR: Here’s a telegram for yer dad. I’ve joined the Hitler Yoof. I know he don’t agree with that, but tough.
LIGUR: We’s a family of demons, Hastur. Why wouldn’t he approve of you joinin’ an evil organisation?
HASTUR: Just give him the telegram.
* * *
Villa von Crowley. A large flag of the Reich hangs over the entrance. CROWLEY pulls it down and shreds it.
CROWLEY: Bugger this.
The CHILDREN come up to the house.
CHILDREN: Daddy! You’re back from honeymoon!
AZIRAPHALE: Hello, dears.
CHILDREN: Mummy! Mummy!
LIGUR: Here’s a telegram, Daddy.
He takes it and reads it. LIGUR takes one look at his face and flees.
AZIRAPHALE: I take it we haven’t won the lottery?
CROWLEY: I’ve been given a commission in the German navy. Screw this. We’re fleeing the country.
* * *
Night-time. CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE push the Bentley down the drive, followed by the CHILDREN. When they get outside the gates, they are blinded by headlights.
RANDOM NAZI OFFICIAL: Were you going somewhere, von Crowley?
CROWLEY: Just taking the car for a walk.
RANDOM NAZI OFFICIAL: We are most anxious for you to accept your commission in the navy of the Reich.
CROWLEY: Like hell.
RANDOM NAZI OFFICIAL: But first, you and your family must sing at the Salzburg Folk Singers Festival tonight to celebrate Teutonic culture!
CROWLEY: You’re not entirely sane, are you?
* * *
Salzburg. The Festival. The entire VON CROWLEY FAMILY stand on stage and sing a medley of all their songs from the entire movie, accompanied by AZIRAPHALE’S harp music. The CHILDREN line up in order of height, with CROWLEY at one end and AZIRAPHALE at the other. They all hold hands.
CROWLEY (sings): So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, fuck you.
CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE both snap their fingers and the family vanishes.
* * *
The Abbey. The VON CROWLEYS cower as far back from the church as they can.
CROWLEY: Why are we hiding in the abbey? We should have gone straight to Switzerland.
AZIRAPHALE: It must have been because I was thinking there’s no place like home.
CROWLEY: You still think of the abbey as home even though we’re married? I’m disturbed. And strangely aroused. Let me see you in a wimple.
METATRON: There’s no time for that, here come the Nazis.
(sings)
Climb every mountain, ford every stream
Run from the Nazis to the next scene.
The family hides.
RANDOM NAZI OFFICIAL: Hand over the von Crowley family!
METATRON: Who?
RANDOM NAZI OFFICIAL: We will burn down the abbey!
METATRON: I’m composed entirely of flames. I’m not that worried.
RANDOM NAZI OFFICIAL: Ooh, you’re in for it now.
METATRON: I will call for someone to deal with your request. Oh, Sister Shadwell!
SHADWELL (rolls up sleeves): Aye, weel, bring it on, ye wee Nazi shites.
HASTUR discovers the family’s hiding place
HASTUR: Ah-hah! Prepare to feel my Aryan wrath!
CROWLEY: You’re not an Aryan, you moron, you’re a demon.
LIGUR: If you love me, let us go!
HASTUR (stunned): If I what you?
The family takes advantage of HASTUR’S shock to run away.
LIGUR (over his shoulder): I’ll write!
In the background, battered Nazis are seen fleeing the abbey.
* * *
The magnificent Austrian Alps. The VON CROWLEY FAMILY climbs higher and higher. The CHILDREN frolic and sing as their parents lead them towards the Swiss border.
AZIRAPHALE: You know, we’ll only be able to carry the four smallest ones between us. Will the others be able to fly that far?
CROWLEY (shrugs): Eh, who knows. I can spare a few.
AZIRAPHALE: Urk.
CROWLEY: Joke, Aziraphale, just a joke.
AZIRAPHALE: Um, darling? I’ve got some exciting news for you.
He whispers in CROWLEY’S ear. CROWLEY stands there stunned as AZIRAPHALE goes pink, and runs off in front of the CHILDREN.
AZIRAPHALE: Come on children, we have to climb as high as we can before we start flying.
CROWLEY (to himself): How will I ever afford eight blessed college fees?
The camera shot wheels up, giving us a panoramic view of the Alps. We go higher and higher, finally breaking cloud cover. Angels dart away from the camera, and the sky is blue and endless.
END CREDITS.