Reluctant clown.
It appears that I am meant to be 'funny'. This is a horrible, soul-damaging, self esteem-destroying thing to hear, because it has given me a great deal of stage fright and I will have to hide in a cave for the rest of my life and write angst. On the plus side, the one definite advantage of no-one reading my journal anymore is that maybe my reputation shan't be totally scuppered.
I think I first thought of this back when I had just finished The Island and was riding high on a wave of compliments and back then it was a play, and had a vaguely dark, interesting plot or at least I like to think it did. Now it is a sitcom, because I am a whore and am evidently not edgy enough for modern theatre.
It flited suddenly into my head after all these months, and so I obligingly sat down and typed it up (arguably a bad move). It made my head hurt and wasted half a day, so I am posting it before The Regret hops along. If I continue it, it'll be Sirius/Remus, but I won't post it in the_kennel or remusxsirius until I do, because then it won't be Sirius/Remus after all, and I will have been FALSE, and also because I don't know if I should burn it or not and I need the f-list litmus test.
Doo-wop. No title. Or rating.
MAIN THEME TUNE starts playing as opening credits and montage roll. The THEME TUNE is something exuberant and masculine, such as BOYS WILL BE BOYS by THE ORDINARY BOYS*. Several aesthetically pleasing clips are being shown to the music, such as the one from the episode when they all dressed up as Magical Creatures and Peter had to be the flobberworm. The one when James cut off an unattractively large lock of Lily’s hair without her noticing (immediately). The one when Sirius wore drag. The one when Remus got really drunk and fell off the roof. The one when Peter received a mail-order bride. These are intended to make the audience think fondly: WHAT LARKS. PERHAPS I WON'T SWITCH TO WILL AND GRACE AFTER ALL.
THE OFFICIAL SCRIPT
OPENING SCENE. It is late morning in the BOYS’ DORMITORY, which is empty save for REMUS and SIRIUS. The BOYS’ DORMITORY, as always, is a scene of comfortable chaos: strewn everywhere are abandoned socks, mugs, socks in mugs, crumpled magazines, cigarette packets, and for some reason, A MINIATURE STATUE OF BUDDHA is resting on the desk. SIRIUS is moodily shredding an envelope, sitting on the windowseat with his back to the glass. REMUS is looking out of the window.
REMUS [looks out of the window at the grey, waterlogged grounds and sighs contentedly] I am in an exceptionally good mood today. [REMUS pauses, but he is ignored.]
REMUS [a bit louder] I am in an exceptionally good mood today. [Another pause. SIRIUS does not react] Sirius Black is a wanker. [Nothing] Sirius, the broomstick belonging to the scantily clad woman from page 3 of The Daily Oracle has broken down, and she’s hovering semi-naked outside our window.
SIRIUS [looks over his shoulder and scans the skies for a few seconds, then turns back, looking hurt] She’s not there. Again. You lied.
REMUS Yes, I did. I’m a terrible, terrible person. [SIRIUS returns to his envelope]
SIRIUS I wouldn’t use that lie too often. You don’t want to be like the boy who cried… [snigger] wolf. [REMUS prods him] Ow!
REMUS [ignoring this] I am in a VERY GOOD MOOD today.
SIRIUS [unenthusiastically] Oh. [suspiciously] Why?
REMUS Well, for one, the monsoon we’ve been having for the past forty days is over, ha. I was about ready to go up to the owlery and send Pythagoras off looking for an olive branch. [REMUS pauses, then decides that the reference is altogether too subtle for SIRIUS] And for another, we’re going to win the Quidditch Cup today. But it’s more than that. I feel like a great evil has suddenly lifted off the world and wafted away along with the rainclouds. [REMUS mimes evil wafting away in a theatrical manner] I dunno… it’s like… it’s like the feeling you’d get if your mum died in her sleep. [He shrugs, infused with good humour]
SIRIUS Mm. [He has opened his envelope and is staring hard at its contents]
REMUS What the hell’s wrong with you?
SIRIUS [looks up, face grave, and proffers the letter] I just opened the owl from Father. Mother passed away yesterday night and he… he wants Reg and I to come down for the funeral. He -[he bites his lip, and breaks off]
The colour drains from REMUS’s face.
REMUS Fuck, I -
SIRIUS grins wickedly.
REMUS Fuck, you.
At this moment, PETER rushes in. He is in a great hurry, pink and breathless. There is bog roll stuck to the underside of his shoe. As he bursts through the doorway, he somehow entangles his ankles in an abandoned satchel strap and stumbles humorously for a few seconds, then jerks his body in a strained pirouette in a valiant attempt to remain upright. This unbalances him, and he falls, face first, onto the carpet.
NB: If this were an American sitcom, the prerecorded gunpoint laughter track would kick in at this point, thereby putting the audience at their ease and highlighting the comedy of the situation. As this is a Britcom, PETER pulls himself painfully to his feet in agonizing silence, leaving no clue to whether or not he is actually seriously injured which makes it all the more amusing.
REMUS leaves SIRIUS in mock disgust (after aiming a kick at him and missing), and goes over to greet PETER.
REMUS Peter, how are you feeling on this most excellent of days?
PETER [sounding congested] The Profeddor jutht dragged Jameth into her offithe.
REMUS Verily, my good man, you speak true? [unconcernedly, lighting a cigarette]
PETER Yeth! Just two minuteth ago -
SIRIUS [interrupting from his perch on the windowseat] Moony, why is it lisping? Make it stop.
REMUS Don’t be cruel.
SIRIUS I’m just looking out for him. He’s got enough embarrassing personal problems as it is without adding a speech impediment to the list.
PETER [indignant] I’ve gock a cold!
SIRIUS [cupping a hand to his ear] What did you say?
PETER [angrily] My dose ith bunged up!
SIRIUS [maddeningly] Can’t you speak up a bit? Your dose of what, exactly?
PETER [exploding (not literally)] You idiot, I’m THICK!
SIRIUS grins again. PETER scowls.
SIRIUS Sorry Wormtail, did you just say you were -
PETER I thed I was thick. I mean ill. [SIRIUS is smirking] Oh, thut up.
REMUS [warningly] Sirius…
SIRIUS [petulantly] But it’s such fun, and I’m so very bored.
REMUS Stop winding him up, go on.
SIRIUS Fine, fine, I’m thutting up.
SIRIUS retreats to his bed, where he flops down dramatically, in an apparent huff. PETER grimaces at his back, and SIRIUS sticks his middle finger up in response, not looking at him. REMUS sighs and takes a drag from his cigarette. PETER, looking almost on the verge on tears, blows his nose noisily into a hanky and suddenly remembers why he has come.
PETER THE PROFEDDOR TOOK JAMETH TO HER OFFITHE!
REMUS Yes, you keep saying that as if it’s something that doesn’t happen roughly four times a week.
PETER [shaking his head emphatically] You don’ underthtand. Profeddor Guthrie took James to her office, and the Gryffindor v Ravenclaw Cup match is in less than two hours!
The cigarette falls out of REMUS’s mouth. SIRIUS falls out of bed. THE MINIATURE STATUE OF BUDDHA spontaneously implodes.
REMUS Sweet Merlin.
PETERYou dropped your cigarette.
REMUS [waving this news aside with a frown] Why didn’t you tell us earlier? What, how, when?
SIRIUS [coming closer] WHY?
A plume of smoke rises into view, which appears to be coming from the vicinity of REMUS’s feet. PETER pauses, but no-one else appears to notice.
PETER [hysterically] I don’t know, I wath jutht thanding necktht to him in duh corridor, talking about the match this afternoon, and she walked past, grabbed him by duh ear and dragged him off for doe reason at all!
SIRIUS We have to go and save him immediately.
REMUS There must be a reason she took him. [takes a few steps, deep in thought] Maybe she found out about the you-know-what he put in with the Slytherin laundry-
SIRIUS None of the teachers know about that. I mean, if you were a Slytherin, would you tell anybody?
There is a thoughtful pause while they all ponder this.
REMUS [wincing] Well, one thing’s for sure, we’ve got to get him out of there. Well done for telling us, Pete.
PETER Thankth. [coughs briefly on the clouds of smoke billowing from the floor] Thee, I am a utheful member of duh gang.
REMUS [comfortingly] Of course you’re a useful member of the gang. Why ever would you think you weren’t? [he ushers PETER out of the door and begins to follow him, then pauses to stare at SIRIUS, who is looking astonished] What are you waiting for? James! Rescue! Quidditch! Haste!
SIRIUS [weakly] Peter…
REMUS Yes?
SIRIUS … is in the gang?
REMUS [impatiently]Yes
SIRIUS [for clarification] Our gang?
REMUS Yes.
Pause.
SIRIUS Really?
SCENE CHANGE. PROFESSOR GUTHRIE’’S OFFICE. We can see JAMES, sitting at one end of a mahogany desk, facing someone unseen. Behind him are several moving portraits of severe looking women with moustaches. In front of him is a platter of GARIBALDI BISCUITS.
JAMES Is there any chance we could hurry this up? Only I’ve got to be on the pitches quite soon for a warm-up…
There is a frosty silence.
JAMES You know what, it’s fine. Go at your own pace.
JAMES looks extremely uncomfortable and runs his fingers through his hair, making it stick up. He stretches out a hand to take a GARIBALDI BISCUIT.
UNSEEN VOICE Do not take a biscuit. You are in disgrace.
JAMES Ah. Sorry.
UNSEEN VOICE You do not deserve biscuits.
JAMES [jokily] Well, I think that’s judging a little harshly…everyone deserves biscuits of some genre…
UNSEEN VOICE I disagree.
JAMES [nodding frantically] Indeed. [casts his eyes around the room desperately] So what’s that painting of, the one with the… blurry monkey?
UNSEEN VOICE It is a depiction of the evolution of man. From ape to homo sapiens.
JAMES starts to laugh, and turns it into a coughing fit. To his horror, he finds that he cannot stop coughing once he has started.
UNSEEN VOICE You find something amusing?
JAMES [coughing] No, it’s just the… you know, the sound of it… homo sapiens, homo erectus, homo erotica…
LONG SILENCE, punctuated by JAMES’S coughs.
UNSEEN VOICE I will overlook that comment because you happen to be a nine year-old boy and are therefore incapable of maturity.
JAMES [barely audible] Sixteen, actuall -
UNSEEN VOICE I’m sorry?
JAMES [instantly contrite] So am I. Very.
UNSEEN VOICE What have you got to say for yourself?
JAMES Er… I’m sorry? [he glances at a clock on the wall]
UNSEEN VOICE That’s not good enough.
JAMES And I’ll never do it again.
UNSEEN VOICE Hah!
JAMES Perhaps if you could give me a clue as to why I’m here…
UNSEEN VOICE [affronted] If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.
JAMES opens his mouth and closes it, but can’t think of anything to say.
UNSEEN VOICE And you’re not leaving until I get an explanation.
JAMES But -
UNSEEN VOICE I’m perfectly happy to sit here, all day.
JAMES But…
UNSEEN VOICE [challengingly] But?
JAMES [sounding worried] All day, you said?
UNSEEN VOICE [triumphant] ALL day, Mr Potter.
JAMES [leaning forward in his chair] Not wanting to shirk responsibility, but say I really needed to be somewhere, and it was a matter of vital importance…
UNSEEN VOICE You hold it in.
JAMES [sitting back] Aha. I see.
[There is a long, awkward silence. JAMES’s hand edges surreptitiously towards the biscuits]
*** COMMERCIAL BREAK ***
Poll Oh, this brings back memories.
*Except not, because Big Brother made me hate liking that song.
I think I first thought of this back when I had just finished The Island and was riding high on a wave of compliments and back then it was a play, and had a vaguely dark, interesting plot or at least I like to think it did. Now it is a sitcom, because I am a whore and am evidently not edgy enough for modern theatre.
It flited suddenly into my head after all these months, and so I obligingly sat down and typed it up (arguably a bad move). It made my head hurt and wasted half a day, so I am posting it before The Regret hops along. If I continue it, it'll be Sirius/Remus, but I won't post it in the_kennel or remusxsirius until I do, because then it won't be Sirius/Remus after all, and I will have been FALSE, and also because I don't know if I should burn it or not and I need the f-list litmus test.
Doo-wop. No title. Or rating.
MAIN THEME TUNE starts playing as opening credits and montage roll. The THEME TUNE is something exuberant and masculine, such as BOYS WILL BE BOYS by THE ORDINARY BOYS*. Several aesthetically pleasing clips are being shown to the music, such as the one from the episode when they all dressed up as Magical Creatures and Peter had to be the flobberworm. The one when James cut off an unattractively large lock of Lily’s hair without her noticing (immediately). The one when Sirius wore drag. The one when Remus got really drunk and fell off the roof. The one when Peter received a mail-order bride. These are intended to make the audience think fondly: WHAT LARKS. PERHAPS I WON'T SWITCH TO WILL AND GRACE AFTER ALL.
THE OFFICIAL SCRIPT
OPENING SCENE. It is late morning in the BOYS’ DORMITORY, which is empty save for REMUS and SIRIUS. The BOYS’ DORMITORY, as always, is a scene of comfortable chaos: strewn everywhere are abandoned socks, mugs, socks in mugs, crumpled magazines, cigarette packets, and for some reason, A MINIATURE STATUE OF BUDDHA is resting on the desk. SIRIUS is moodily shredding an envelope, sitting on the windowseat with his back to the glass. REMUS is looking out of the window.
REMUS [looks out of the window at the grey, waterlogged grounds and sighs contentedly] I am in an exceptionally good mood today. [REMUS pauses, but he is ignored.]
REMUS [a bit louder] I am in an exceptionally good mood today. [Another pause. SIRIUS does not react] Sirius Black is a wanker. [Nothing] Sirius, the broomstick belonging to the scantily clad woman from page 3 of The Daily Oracle has broken down, and she’s hovering semi-naked outside our window.
SIRIUS [looks over his shoulder and scans the skies for a few seconds, then turns back, looking hurt] She’s not there. Again. You lied.
REMUS Yes, I did. I’m a terrible, terrible person. [SIRIUS returns to his envelope]
SIRIUS I wouldn’t use that lie too often. You don’t want to be like the boy who cried… [snigger] wolf. [REMUS prods him] Ow!
REMUS [ignoring this] I am in a VERY GOOD MOOD today.
SIRIUS [unenthusiastically] Oh. [suspiciously] Why?
REMUS Well, for one, the monsoon we’ve been having for the past forty days is over, ha. I was about ready to go up to the owlery and send Pythagoras off looking for an olive branch. [REMUS pauses, then decides that the reference is altogether too subtle for SIRIUS] And for another, we’re going to win the Quidditch Cup today. But it’s more than that. I feel like a great evil has suddenly lifted off the world and wafted away along with the rainclouds. [REMUS mimes evil wafting away in a theatrical manner] I dunno… it’s like… it’s like the feeling you’d get if your mum died in her sleep. [He shrugs, infused with good humour]
SIRIUS Mm. [He has opened his envelope and is staring hard at its contents]
REMUS What the hell’s wrong with you?
SIRIUS [looks up, face grave, and proffers the letter] I just opened the owl from Father. Mother passed away yesterday night and he… he wants Reg and I to come down for the funeral. He -[he bites his lip, and breaks off]
The colour drains from REMUS’s face.
REMUS Fuck, I -
SIRIUS grins wickedly.
REMUS Fuck, you.
At this moment, PETER rushes in. He is in a great hurry, pink and breathless. There is bog roll stuck to the underside of his shoe. As he bursts through the doorway, he somehow entangles his ankles in an abandoned satchel strap and stumbles humorously for a few seconds, then jerks his body in a strained pirouette in a valiant attempt to remain upright. This unbalances him, and he falls, face first, onto the carpet.
NB: If this were an American sitcom, the prerecorded gunpoint laughter track would kick in at this point, thereby putting the audience at their ease and highlighting the comedy of the situation. As this is a Britcom, PETER pulls himself painfully to his feet in agonizing silence, leaving no clue to whether or not he is actually seriously injured which makes it all the more amusing.
REMUS leaves SIRIUS in mock disgust (after aiming a kick at him and missing), and goes over to greet PETER.
REMUS Peter, how are you feeling on this most excellent of days?
PETER [sounding congested] The Profeddor jutht dragged Jameth into her offithe.
REMUS Verily, my good man, you speak true? [unconcernedly, lighting a cigarette]
PETER Yeth! Just two minuteth ago -
SIRIUS [interrupting from his perch on the windowseat] Moony, why is it lisping? Make it stop.
REMUS Don’t be cruel.
SIRIUS I’m just looking out for him. He’s got enough embarrassing personal problems as it is without adding a speech impediment to the list.
PETER [indignant] I’ve gock a cold!
SIRIUS [cupping a hand to his ear] What did you say?
PETER [angrily] My dose ith bunged up!
SIRIUS [maddeningly] Can’t you speak up a bit? Your dose of what, exactly?
PETER [exploding (not literally)] You idiot, I’m THICK!
SIRIUS grins again. PETER scowls.
SIRIUS Sorry Wormtail, did you just say you were -
PETER I thed I was thick. I mean ill. [SIRIUS is smirking] Oh, thut up.
REMUS [warningly] Sirius…
SIRIUS [petulantly] But it’s such fun, and I’m so very bored.
REMUS Stop winding him up, go on.
SIRIUS Fine, fine, I’m thutting up.
SIRIUS retreats to his bed, where he flops down dramatically, in an apparent huff. PETER grimaces at his back, and SIRIUS sticks his middle finger up in response, not looking at him. REMUS sighs and takes a drag from his cigarette. PETER, looking almost on the verge on tears, blows his nose noisily into a hanky and suddenly remembers why he has come.
PETER THE PROFEDDOR TOOK JAMETH TO HER OFFITHE!
REMUS Yes, you keep saying that as if it’s something that doesn’t happen roughly four times a week.
PETER [shaking his head emphatically] You don’ underthtand. Profeddor Guthrie took James to her office, and the Gryffindor v Ravenclaw Cup match is in less than two hours!
The cigarette falls out of REMUS’s mouth. SIRIUS falls out of bed. THE MINIATURE STATUE OF BUDDHA spontaneously implodes.
REMUS Sweet Merlin.
PETERYou dropped your cigarette.
REMUS [waving this news aside with a frown] Why didn’t you tell us earlier? What, how, when?
SIRIUS [coming closer] WHY?
A plume of smoke rises into view, which appears to be coming from the vicinity of REMUS’s feet. PETER pauses, but no-one else appears to notice.
PETER [hysterically] I don’t know, I wath jutht thanding necktht to him in duh corridor, talking about the match this afternoon, and she walked past, grabbed him by duh ear and dragged him off for doe reason at all!
SIRIUS We have to go and save him immediately.
REMUS There must be a reason she took him. [takes a few steps, deep in thought] Maybe she found out about the you-know-what he put in with the Slytherin laundry-
SIRIUS None of the teachers know about that. I mean, if you were a Slytherin, would you tell anybody?
There is a thoughtful pause while they all ponder this.
REMUS [wincing] Well, one thing’s for sure, we’ve got to get him out of there. Well done for telling us, Pete.
PETER Thankth. [coughs briefly on the clouds of smoke billowing from the floor] Thee, I am a utheful member of duh gang.
REMUS [comfortingly] Of course you’re a useful member of the gang. Why ever would you think you weren’t? [he ushers PETER out of the door and begins to follow him, then pauses to stare at SIRIUS, who is looking astonished] What are you waiting for? James! Rescue! Quidditch! Haste!
SIRIUS [weakly] Peter…
REMUS Yes?
SIRIUS … is in the gang?
REMUS [impatiently]Yes
SIRIUS [for clarification] Our gang?
REMUS Yes.
Pause.
SIRIUS Really?
SCENE CHANGE. PROFESSOR GUTHRIE’’S OFFICE. We can see JAMES, sitting at one end of a mahogany desk, facing someone unseen. Behind him are several moving portraits of severe looking women with moustaches. In front of him is a platter of GARIBALDI BISCUITS.
JAMES Is there any chance we could hurry this up? Only I’ve got to be on the pitches quite soon for a warm-up…
There is a frosty silence.
JAMES You know what, it’s fine. Go at your own pace.
JAMES looks extremely uncomfortable and runs his fingers through his hair, making it stick up. He stretches out a hand to take a GARIBALDI BISCUIT.
UNSEEN VOICE Do not take a biscuit. You are in disgrace.
JAMES Ah. Sorry.
UNSEEN VOICE You do not deserve biscuits.
JAMES [jokily] Well, I think that’s judging a little harshly…everyone deserves biscuits of some genre…
UNSEEN VOICE I disagree.
JAMES [nodding frantically] Indeed. [casts his eyes around the room desperately] So what’s that painting of, the one with the… blurry monkey?
UNSEEN VOICE It is a depiction of the evolution of man. From ape to homo sapiens.
JAMES starts to laugh, and turns it into a coughing fit. To his horror, he finds that he cannot stop coughing once he has started.
UNSEEN VOICE You find something amusing?
JAMES [coughing] No, it’s just the… you know, the sound of it… homo sapiens, homo erectus, homo erotica…
LONG SILENCE, punctuated by JAMES’S coughs.
UNSEEN VOICE I will overlook that comment because you happen to be a nine year-old boy and are therefore incapable of maturity.
JAMES [barely audible] Sixteen, actuall -
UNSEEN VOICE I’m sorry?
JAMES [instantly contrite] So am I. Very.
UNSEEN VOICE What have you got to say for yourself?
JAMES Er… I’m sorry? [he glances at a clock on the wall]
UNSEEN VOICE That’s not good enough.
JAMES And I’ll never do it again.
UNSEEN VOICE Hah!
JAMES Perhaps if you could give me a clue as to why I’m here…
UNSEEN VOICE [affronted] If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.
JAMES opens his mouth and closes it, but can’t think of anything to say.
UNSEEN VOICE And you’re not leaving until I get an explanation.
JAMES But -
UNSEEN VOICE I’m perfectly happy to sit here, all day.
JAMES But…
UNSEEN VOICE [challengingly] But?
JAMES [sounding worried] All day, you said?
UNSEEN VOICE [triumphant] ALL day, Mr Potter.
JAMES [leaning forward in his chair] Not wanting to shirk responsibility, but say I really needed to be somewhere, and it was a matter of vital importance…
UNSEEN VOICE You hold it in.
JAMES [sitting back] Aha. I see.
[There is a long, awkward silence. JAMES’s hand edges surreptitiously towards the biscuits]
*** COMMERCIAL BREAK ***
Poll Oh, this brings back memories.
*Except not, because Big Brother made me hate liking that song.