Fanfiction || The Queen's Battle || Buffy/Faith || Part Seven
Title: The Queen's Battle
Author: Sapphire Smoke cuzimastripper
Beta(s): supershineygirl & Frass
Fandom: Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Buffy/Faith, Buffy/Satsu
Word Length Thus Far: 58,953 words
Timeline: Season 8 - though in my world the Gigi thing never happened and the whole world isn't going to shit with Twilight. Because I say so. lol
Summary: Slayer dreams don't always mean an apocalypse is looming, but they're still confusing as hell.
A/N: I don't know why I'm doing another multichapter story. I think I might be insane.
Other Parts: PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE | PART FOUR | PART FIVE | PART SIX
CHAPTER TWELVE
The Pain She Causes
The sun is shining through the window, the birds chirping outside like the world really is one big happy place. Buffy can hear children outside playing and laughing, but only faintly; distantly. The white sheets are cool against her skin, but the rest of her is warmed from Faith’s body which is tangled half on top of hers; holding her. It’s too perfect, too serene to be real. Her eyes flicker up to look at Faith who smiles softly at her, running her fingers gently through her hair. It’s a smile full of nothing but love and contentment, when so often Buffy sees pain behind Faith’s eyes even when she’s happy.
“The knight returned to the castle,” Faith tells her softly, tracing Buffy’s jaw line with her fingertips. “She will earn the Queen’s favor.”
“The King doesn’t approve,” Buffy says, a little betrayal shining behind her eyes.
Faith chuckles, “The King never does.”
Buffy sighs and rolls over, taking Faith’s hand with her and drawing it to her chest, having Faith spoon her from behind. She stares at the far wall as she whispers, “The time draws closer.”
Faith kisses her shoulder softly, “The Queen will fall. The King’s battle plans will come to pass.” She brushes some of Buffy’s hair away from her neck gently.
Buffy looks over her shoulder quickly before moving a little away from her, letting go of her hand. “It is not the King’s wishes!” she defends harshly.
Faith looks at her a little sadly, “But it is with the King’s hand that the solider moves; manipulated like a pawn.”
“The King will not order it.”
“The King already has.” Buffy doesn’t say anything; she just looks at her like she needs an explanation, so Faith gives her one. “The blows that strike the Queen have been delivered without the soldiers knowledge; she is being used,” Faith tells her seriously. She reaches out and takes Buffy’s hand in hers. She brings it to her lips and kisses it softly, “What comes to pass is the King’s doing… and then the solider will follow her no longer.”
“Neither will the Queen,” Buffy whispers sadly. She feels a tear fall from her eye and she regrettably goes on, “I will be the one to deliver the final blow, not my soldier…”
Faith gives her a sad smile before leaning up and capturing Buffy’s lips in hers in a soft kiss. Buffy reaches out to her desperately, needing for it to not be true; needing to somehow make it better. Faith presses her hips hard against her, her tongue seeking out more contact within in Buffy’s mouth. But when Faith breaks suddenly, she whispers against her lips in a voice filled with anger and hate, “You will destroy me.”
Buffy pushes Faith away in shock and when she looks at her all the rage and pain is written across the brunette’s face. It frightens Buffy and she tries to move away, but Faith lunges, looking like she’s going to rip Buffy’s head from her body. She braces herself for the impact, eyes wide in terror… but it never comes.
Buffy gasps hard as she sits straight up in bed, waking from her dream. Her heart is pounding a million miles an hour and her hands are shaking as she pushes the covers off her body. Her brain seems to be going too fast for her to really comprehend anything, but all she knows is that she needs to see Faith now.
Her feet carry her quickly out of her bedroom and down the hall to Faith’s room. She pounds on the door frantically and when she hears Faith swear inside she takes that as an invitation. She opens the door and asks, “Faith?”
“What? For fuck’s sake, B, I’m tryin’ to sleep,” Faith groans sleepily, pulling the covers over her head.
Well, Faith in the morning isn’t always the most pleasant thing in the world, obviously.
“Faith, did you have the-”
“Of course I fuckin’ did, but I’m too goddamn tired right now so get the fuck out,” Faith snaps from underneath the covers, already knowing why Buffy chose to burst through the door at this unreasonable freakin’ hour. The dream also got her pissed like hell at Buffy and even though she doesn’t know why she still can’t help but let it come out.
“But don’t you think we should-” Buffy tries, but is interrupted once again.
“Fuck off, Buffy! Ya wanna talk about this shit so bad you’re gonna have to wait till the morning!”
Buffy looks at her like she’s just been struck. Faith’s been so sweet to her lately that this bitchy version is actually hurting her. Her bottom lip trembles a little, and maybe she’s just too emotional because of having a bad night’s sleep but she lashes out angrily instead, “It is morning, you lazy asshole! We have to train the girls in an hour so guess what; rise and fucking shine, Faith.”
Faith flips her off before Buffy backs out of the brunette’s room, slamming the door behind her so hard the wall actually shakes. She doesn’t deserve this! The dream messed with her too but that doesn’t give her the right to be bitchy about it! She furiously wipes away the fallen tear and glares at Faith’s door like that’s the cause of this morning’s unpleasantness.
“Buffy?”
Buffy turns to see Willow peeking her head out her door, looking at her curiously. “Is everything alright?” she asks, seeing Buffy’s distressed look and already having heard the yelling.
“Just great!” Buffy exclaims sarcastically, throwing her hands into the air. “I get shit for sleep, get shit from Faith, and why didn’t you ever let me know that Kennedy was coming?”
Willow blinks after Buffy’s little outburst. The two stare at each other for a moment before Willow suggests lightly, “Coffee?”
“Yes, please,” Buffy groans, covering her face with her hands. Willow gives her a sympathetic smile before tightening her robe around her. She starts walking down the stairs to the kitchen, Buffy following her with heavy, dejected footsteps. She really hated that she shared that kind of dream with Faith and instead of being able to talk about it; Faith decides it’d just be better to scream at her. Weren’t they past all the yelling and drama?
Obviously not.
Willow goes over to the coffee pot and pours them both a cup. Buffy slides onto one of the stools and puts her head in her hands, watching her. When Willow gives her a mug and slides onto the stool next to her she tells her softly, “I didn’t tell you because you’ve been going through a lot of stuff with your own love life. The last thing I thought you needed was me coming to you asking for advice.”
Buffy looks over at her, “Willow, you’re my friend; friends talk about that sort of stuff. It doesn’t matter if the world is ending; you can still talk to me.”
Willow shrugs lightly and takes a sip of her coffee. Buffy fiddles with the spoon in hers, stirring it counterclockwise as she stares down into it. “So…” she draws out slowly before glancing back up at her, “So you asked her to come back?”
“Yeah,” Willow says, looking a little confused. “I don’t know, Buffy. I’ve just been thinking about her a lot; probably more than someone should after they break up.”
“What’s the acceptable amount of thinking time allowed?” Buffy asks with a smirk.
Willow laughs a little, “I don’t know, but probably all the time isn’t acceptable in the realm of… acceptableness.” She sighs a little and takes another sip of coffee and Buffy waits for her to go on. When Willow puts her mug back down she tells her, “I think we gave up too fast.”
“Maybe,” Buffy agrees, shrugging a bit. “I mean, you still love her, don’t you?”
Willow smiles a little, “Yeah, I still do…”
Buffy returns her smile, even though her heart still hurts from the dream and all her mind is doing is screaming FAITHFATHFAITH over and over. “Then you owe it to yourself to see if it can work this time around.”
“Thanks, Buffy,” Willow says, and slides her hand over the one that’s resting on the counter, holding it. “Now tell me what’s going on with Faith,” she says with a little twinkle of amusement in her eye because she can practically read Buffy’s mind just by the look on her face.
Buffy sighs heavily, “We just… had a really screwed up Slayer dream and instead of talking about it she screamed at me, swore at me, and kicked me out of her room.”
“Faith isn’t a morning person,” Willow tells her seriously because come on; everyone knows that. One of the Slayers tried to wake her up the last time she was here and ended up getting thrown into a wall. Faith said it was on accident, that she “sleep fights” or something, but Willow isn’t quite sure she believes her.
“It’s more than that… I think that dream, it…” Buffy trails off, sighing again. She looks down at her still untouched mug of coffee and falls silent. She doesn’t know if she wants to tell Willow what she thinks it means.
“What happened in the dream?” Willow asks.
“Nothing.”
“Buffy, it had to have been something.”
Buffy chews on her bottom lip a little before she admits in a soft voice, “I think I’m going to hurt her, Will…” Even as she says it she knows it’s true; it’s just a feeling that’s creeping up inside of her and making her feel sick.
“Buffy…” Willow says sympathetically, sighing a little. She squeezes Buffy’s hand that she’s holding a little and tells her, “I think you need to break things off with Satsu. You can’t keep putting it off; the guilt is eating you alive.”
“I know,” Buffy whispers, looking down. “I just don’t want to hurt her…”
“And you should tell Faith the truth,” Willow goes on, looking at her expectantly. Buffy’s eyes shoot up to look at her.
“No… no, I can’t do that. Will, she’ll…” she groans, “God I don’t even want to think about what she’ll do. Do you know what she told me?”
“What?” Willow asks, looking at Buffy’s face mask with distress.
“She… she told me she was happy that…” she sighs heavily and covers her face with her hands as she admits, “that she was my first…” she shakes her head and clarifies, “girl, anyway. She said it meant something… and I just…” Buffy can feel her eyes start to well up with tears, the guilt washing over her like a tidal wave. She bites her lip hard, trying to stop the tears from falling.
“Oh, Buffy…” Willow says sympathetically.
“I can’t ruin that, Willow. I just can’t,” Buffy says, her voice cracking a bit from the emotional strain. She takes a shaky breath, trying to calm herself down. She isn’t going to cry this early in the morning. She has to train the girls, she has to… fuck, she has to break up with Satsu…
Buffy takes another deep breath, continuing to focus on keeping herself together. She is not an emotional wreck; she is the Slayer and she needs to start acting like one. She needs to be able to deal with her personal life like an adult and stop screwing things up because of her own fears.
She wants Faith; she needs Faith. She needs to stop being an idiot and making things complicated by lying and hiding things.
Buffy gives Willow a small smile before she stands up, “I need to go see Satsu,” she tells her softly. Willow nods in understanding and Buffy turns to leave. But she’s halfway to Satsu’s room before Faith comes out of her own, stopping dead as she looks at Buffy. Buffy stops too, her breath catching in her throat; she doesn’t exactly know what to expect after their little confrontation.
“Hey,” Faith says softly, hand still on the doorknob; frozen, not knowing what to expect from Buffy either.
“Hey…”
Now that Faith’s fully awake, she feels a little bad for snapping at Buffy like that. She finally takes her hand off the doorknob and instead runs it through her hair a little self consciously, “Look B, I didn’t mean to-”
“It’s okay,” Buffy says quickly, just glad that they aren’t about to have another fight. She’s still a little pissed about it, but after all she’s doing she knows she has no right to be. Faith looks at her skeptically.
“Yeah? Cause I was kinda bein’ a cunt.”
“Don’t use that word,” Buffy scolds her in distaste. She walks over to her slowly and takes her hand, lacing their fingers together. She looks down at them; Faith’s lightly mocha colored skin against her own pale white. “The dream messed with both of us; I get it. And… maybe we should talk about it. Later, obviously, since we have a class soon…”
Faith takes a breath and leans against her door, looking at Buffy, who finally looks up from their linked hands. “Fine,” she says, but she doesn’t sound too fine about the entire matter. The little warning voice in the back of her head keeps screaming at her to get away from Buffy before she hurts her.
But then again, she never listened to that voice.
“Faith,” Buffy says, keeping a hold on her hand as she tries to pull away. “I swear I would never hurt you on purpose.”
“It’s whatever, B,” Faith says, avoiding, like always. “Don’t really wanna make a thing outta it; it’s a dream. Don’t always mean shit.” Buffy sighs heavily at that and pulls her even closer to her so that they’re toe to toe.
Buffy looks at her seriously, her face inches from Faith as she lifts her hand to stroke her face softly. “I swear I would never hurt you on purpose,” she tells her again, annunciating each word. Her eyes search hers, trying to get that message across.
Faith stares back, like trying to see if she’s being honest, and seems to come to conclusion that she is because she leans in and whispers, “Okay,” before her lips meet Buffy’s in a soft kiss. Buffy’s wraps her arms around Faith’s neck and is about to let her eyes flutter closed to dive into the feeling, but she catches movement out of the corner of her eye; Satsu coming out of her room.
The younger slayer took one glance at the two of them and Buffy’s broke the kiss, eyes widening a little. But Satsu just turns on her heel and goes back into her room, slamming the door so hard the noise echoes through the hall. Faith turns around, startled and confused, “What the fuck was that?”
Buffy’s stomach drops to the floor and she tries to give Faith a reassuring smile despite her nervousness, thanking the Powers That Be that Faith didn’t actually see Satsu. “I don’t know, let me go deal with it; probably one of the girls. Why don’t you go get some breakfast before we train and then we can talk after, okay?”
Faith shrugs, not at all inclined to deal with mini-Slayer drama this early; that’s Buffy’s territory. “Whatever, long as I don’t gotta deal with it.”
Buffy leans up to give her a peck on the lips, “Okay, I’ll see you in like a half an hour.”
Buffy waits until she see’s Faith disappear down the hall and she can hear her footsteps descending the stairs before she takes a deep breath, looking over at Satsu’s door. Well, she was planning on doing this anyway so it’s now or never. That was not her ideal scenario but hopefully she can repair the damage before everything completely falls to pieces.
Fuck, that really is a horrible way for her to find out…
Her feet carry her slowly over to Satsu’s door and she hesitantly knocks on it. No answer. “Satsu?” she asks quietly. When she doesn’t get a response she grasps the doorknob, her heart pounding in her chest as she opens it. Satsu is just standing there, arms across her chest, looking hurt and furious at the same time. “Satsu…” she tries softly, sympathetically, but she’s interrupted.
“Kono ama!” she exclaims, pointing at her. “When were you going to tell me?”
Buffy’s pretty sure she doesn’t want to know what she just called her in Japanese. “Satsu…” she tries again; taking a step into the room towards her, but Satsu takes one back defiantly. “I’m sorry; I swear I was going to tell you today. I didn’t want you to find out like that…”
Satsu’s eyes are filled with the pain of a broken heart and it makes Buffy feel horrible. Her voice shakes a little as she tells her, “I thought more of you, Buffy. I know I was never yours, not truly, but it’s fucked up that you let me continue to believe in your interest for me when obviously it hasn’t been that way for a long time.”
“No, Satsu, it’s not like that. This thing with Faith… it’s recent. I didn’t-”
“Urusei!” Satsu exclaims loudly, and her tone makes Buffy fall silent. “I’m not stupid, Buffy! Don’t insult me by pretending that your heart hasn’t always belonged to her. And that hurts, but that’s not why I’m angry with you right now!”
“Then…?” Buffy tries, but she can’t seem to get much of a word in edgewise right now.
“Because you used me! You lied to me and I’m guessing you lied to her as well! Baka yariman, do you ever see past your own desires?! You live your love life the way you live in battle; you do anything to get what you want and make no apologies because of your damn pride, and you never stop to notice the people who get hurt in your wake because you believe you have to always see the bigger picture. But the problem is that your bigger picture is always formed to your desires; you’re selfish!”
“I never used you!” Buffy tries to protest, but once again she’s cut off before she can finish defending herself.
“Well I feel like some kind of practice run for you!” Satsu exclaims, her eyes flashing. Buffy’s jaw drops a little.
“No! Satsu, that’s wasn’t what that was! I was with you because of you, not as some kind of test run for Faith. How can you think that?”
“How can I not?! You sneak into my room in the dead of night, take what you want and then you leave. You pay me no affections outside of the bedroom, you show me no loyalty, and yet the second Faith comes around you’re so comfortable with what you have now that you let her kiss you in the middle of the hallway? How else am I supposed to feel about that, Buffy? Tell me!” Satsu yells furiously.
“What do you want me to say?!” Buffy exclaims, a bit desperately. She doesn’t know how to answer that! She can’t just be like ‘because she’s Faith,’ just because she doesn’t know any other reason. It seems to be her reason for everything, after all. “I’m sorry, alright? The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you!”
“Well - and feel free to take all the offense to this as you want - you really fucking suck at it,” Satsu tells her, jaw clenched. “You could have just been honest with me when you started to feel things for her! I would have been upset but I would have understood. Instead you lie to me, make love to me, take care of me when I’m injured all while fucking Faith behind my back. That’s insulting!”
Buffy could lie and say she isn’t fucking Faith, but lies haven’t been getting her anywhere good this past week so she doesn’t deny it. “I’m sorry…” she says softly, eyes brimming with tears at how horrible she feels. “I’m sorry, Satsu… you don’t deserve this.”
“No, I don’t,” she tells her firmly, her own voice shaking again. Buffy watches the girl start to break in front of her, one single tear falling down her cheek. “I love you, Buffy. All I ever wanted was to see you happy, and if that didn’t include me then I was fine with that. But for you to lie like that...”
Buffy walks over to her slowly, “Satsu…” Satsu stands her ground this time, allowing Buffy to come closer. But she stops in front of her once Satsu starts to speak again.
“That night that you two went out, the night I got hurt… was that a date?” she asks softly.
Buffy’s heart clenches in her chest, but she doesn’t lie. “Yes…” she whispers. Satsu scoffs, another tear falling down her cheek before she pushes Buffy away and sits on her bed heavily.
“So when you came back, when you saw me in the infirmary, you weren’t there out of compassion, were you? You didn’t care; you only took care of me because of your own guilt!” she accuses loudly.
“I do care about you!” Buffy protests, quickly crossing the distance to sit next to her on the bed. She puts a hand on Satsu’s thigh and looks her in the eyes and tells her, “Of course I care about you, Satsu. Don’t ever tell me that I don’t. I might have not have ever loved you in the same way that you do me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care.”
Satsu says nothing; she just stares at her, angry tears falling from her eyes. Buffy feels one of her own falling and she lifts up her hand cautiously before she wipes away one of them from Satsu’s cheek. “Satsu… please believe me when I say I care about you. You are sweet, attentive, loving… and I will always hold a special place in my heart for you.” She sniffs as she watches another tear roll down Satsu’s cheek and she leans in and kisses her forehead. “I never meant to hurt you…”
When Buffy pulls away Satsu leans up and captures her lips with hers, her tears splashing against Buffy’s cheeks. Buffy kisses her back softly, another tear falling from her eyes as well. It was a goodbye and both of them knew it. Satsu grabs her shirt, pulling her closer as a sob releases from her lips at her own desperation. Buffy strokes her cheek and kisses her back deeper, trying to convey a thank you for her being there for her when she needed someone. The kiss meant so much and yet was so final and when they pull apart Satsu breaks down and sobs as Buffy wraps her in her arms.
“Shhh…” she tries to console her, her own cheeks wet from crying now. She strokes her hair and kisses the top of her head as Satsu buries her face in the crook of her neck. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” she whispers.
And as the two of them hold onto each other during the final moments in their relationship, they both are unaware of the figure watching them from the doorway, who slips away quietly, not sure what exactly they just witnessed.
But they knew it wasn’t anything good.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Faith Finds Out
Faith lay back on the benches, one foot propped up as she looks at the sky. Bringing the cigarette between her fingers to her lips she takes a good long pull, knowing she’s gonna need the nicotine to be able to survive this training session. For one, it’s too damn early; who the fuck thought it’d be a good idea to train at seven in the morning? For two, while Buffy can stand there and tell her she’d never hurt her, the fact of the matter is that’s what Buffy’s good at.
Faith’s always blamed herself for the pain that Buffy causes her, knowing it’s because of who she was or what she’d done. But she’s been on the straight and narrow for a while now, and even though Buffy’s been good at hurting her by drudging up past shit; she’s got this nagging feeling that that’s not what the dream was talking about. Besides, hurting her and destroying her; major fuckin’ difference.
But maybe a part of her already knew Buffy would be the one to destroy her in the end and that’s why she’s not as freaked as her blonde counterpart. Buffy’s always owned her completely and with that type of power it’s easy to destroy someone. Faith fought like hell to keep it away from her once, but she’s since given up on that front. She just found it really fuckin’ pointless to try to fight something that’s clearly inevitable.
Besides; love is about pain, right?
Faith chokes on the smoke she just inhaled, coughing as she sits up after she just had that thought. Love? Where the fuck did that come from? She coughs a couple more times, her hand to her chest as she throws the cigarette to the ground. Fuck all of that; she is not in love. She is not fuckin’ in… fuck.
This can’t be good.
“You’re like a walking ‘Truth’ billboard,” Kennedy says with a smirk as she climbs up the bleachers two at a time. Faith flips her off during her coughing fit.
Kennedy flops down on the bench next to her and slaps her back hard, making Faith cough one more time before hitting her thigh in annoyance. “Fuck, Ken!”
“Just trying to help,” Kennedy says with that shit eating grin of hers. Faith rolls her eyes, the coughing finally subsided. She groans a little though, leaning back on her elbows against the bleacher seats a row up. Fuck. Love.
She can’t be in love. Faith Lehane doesn’t do love; maybe infatuation, but not love.
Or obsession; she’ll take obsession over love at this point too. Fuck… LOVE? Hell no. But if she’s so sure it’s not love then why the fuck is she trying to justify it in her head?
“What’s eating you?” Kennedy asks, looking over at Faith’s pensive look. Faith’s eyes flicker over to look at her and she shrugs.
“Nothin’. Just… thinkin’.”
“About Buffy?” Kennedy asks, like she’s afraid of that answer. Her tone makes Faith arc an eyebrow.
“Somethin’ ya wanna share with the rest of the class, Ken?”
Kennedy wrings her hands together a little. “Look, it’s probably none of my business…” she starts.
“Well that’s probably true,” Faith says with a smirk, but Kennedy shoots her a glare.
“Faith, I’m not one to start stuff…” Faith scoffs in disbelief and Kennedy revises, “Okay, maybe I am. But you’re my friend, and I don’t know if you know everything that’s going on, and hell I probably don’t either, but I know what I saw and I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“What the fuck are ya talkin’ about?” Faith asks, looking at her like she better start making some sense and quick. She’s starting to make her nervous and Faith really doesn’t like that feeling, especially after the dream she shared with Buffy last night.
“Hey,” Kennedy says, holding up her hand to Faith, wary of her tone. “Don’t start getting all ‘Angry Slayer’ on me. I’m sure Buffy’s already told you anyway. She’s all Ms. Righteous and Truthful,” she mocks the words a little.
“Tell me what exactly?” Faith asks, her patience starting to border on nonexistent. “Ken, don’t fuck around.”
“Satsu-” Kennedy starts, but is interrupted.
“Faith!”
Both slayers turn to look down at Buffy at the foot of the bleachers. She calls up to them, “Can you give me a hand with these mats, please?” She looks frustrated as she pushes the blonde hair out of her face and kind of kicks at the pile of mats in front of her that she’s been trying to drag by herself. Strong or not, there are a lot of them for one person to carry. But Faith doesn’t give half a crap about the mats, she’s just staring at her, jaw tightening.
“What about Satsu?” Faith asks in a low voice, eyes locked with Buffy’s. A horrible feeling starts to creep up from the pit of her stomach as her mind automatically goes to the worst possible scenarios. Pessimistic maybe, but she knows better than to be optimistic and then have the rug taken out from under her.
And it gets worse when Kennedy doesn’t say anything, realizing that Faith obviously doesn’t know. A part of her wants to tell her; thinks that Faith deserves to know, but another part... that one’s telling her that if she does in another two minutes there’s gonna be a full on brawl.
But Buffy is obviously a cheating fucking bitch and Faith doesn’t deserve that, so Kennedy tells her quietly, eyes glancing at Buffy, “Buffy just broke up with Satsu twenty minutes ago.”
She might have broken up with her, but she still lied. Once a liar, always a liar in Kennedy’s book.
“Faith!” Buffy calls, irritated at being ignored. “A little help would be nice, please?”
Faith’s hand that’s resting on the bleacher seat tightens its grip and the metal bends under the force. But she laughs a little, like it’s absurd, because it is, right? “You gotta be shitting me.”
“Faith!”
But both of them are ignoring Buffy. Kennedy looks at her sympathetically while Faith laughs again, trying to keep the absurdity of the moment and ignore the wave of disbelief and recognition that’s starting to hit her. It made too much sense but yet it didn’t make any at all.
The way Satsu would look at her… she thought it was just some fuckin’ crush. But Buffy actually…?
“I’m not shitting you, Faith,” Kennedy says softly, putting a hand on her knee. “I don’t know how long she was seeing her or what exactly went on between them but… what I saw was definitely a break up.”
Faith pushes herself away from Kennedy, not needing the small pity gestures. She was starting to feel sick, like something crawled up her throat and died. Her eyes flash and Buffy’s trying to call her back down but the words don’t compute in her mind, all she can think about is all the times she’s seen them together and how fucking obvious it should have been, even though Buffy tried her best to hide it.
“She said she’s never been with another chick,” Faith says, eyes still locked on Buffy. Her voice breaks a little though as she says it and she winces, getting furious at her own emotions.
“Faith!” Buffy tries again, but she’s not getting any response. “Ugh, fine, nevermind!” Buffy yells annoyed, looking furiously over at the two of them up there before picking up the heavy mats and dragging them across the way to the other end of the field where they’ll be training the girls in a little while.
Faith’s fingers are still gripped onto the bleachers and her muscles twitch with the wave of strength that passes through her arm as she tightens her grip. “She fuckin’ told me that she was happy I was her first…” her eyes never leave Buffy as she speaks, her voice coming out very detached and dead.
It’s not like they said they were exclusive… so that’s not what’s bothering her. Actually, maybe it partly is. After all, Buffy would flip her shit if she went off and slept with someone else right now, wouldn’t she? But that’s not the big part. The fuckin’ big ass part is that Buffy lied to her about it. How many fucking times did she have the opportunity to just be honest? But instead she just fucking sat there and told her she was happy that Faith was her first!
“What did you see?” Faith asks her, trying to control herself for at least thirty more seconds. “When you saw them… what exactly did you see?”
Because she’s Faith: The Good Slayer now, Faith; the one who apparently needs to start thinking before she acts. So here she is thinking, sort of; getting the fuckin’ facts before she jumps up and starts bashing heads.
Kennedy watches the emotions pass over Faith’s face and she goes on, figuring she deserves to know the whole truth because if the roles were reversed, she’d want to know. “I heard Buffy tell her that she never meant to hurt her. I… looked in, to see what was going on, I thought it was you she was talking to… but I saw her kissing Satsu. They were crying…” she watches Faith’s jaw lock tightly and her muscles in her arm start to twitch, “Faith, I’m so sorry…” she tries.
Something inside Faith snaps.
“You lyin’ sack of shit!” Faith screams suddenly at Buffy, who stops trying to get the next mat and looks up at Faith shocked and confused. The brunette stands up after punching the bleacher seat hard, making the sound rattle as her eyes flash black. She starts taking the bleacher steps two at a time to reach her, and Buffy steps back instinctively into a defensive pose. “When the fuck were you going to tell me?!”
“Faith!” Kennedy tries, but she knows it’s already useless. She’s following her though, knowing that if this gets too out of hand she’s going to have to try and stop it.
“What are you talking about?” Buffy asks, eyes wide at Faith’s furious demeanor. Her stomach drops to the floor though because she already knows what this is about; the only thing it could ever be about. No, not now, not after she just broke up with Satsu… she can’t handle this. She was trying to do the right thing finally and it…
“You fuckin’ know what!” Faith screams, jumping off the last of the bleachers to land in front of her. She sneers, “When the fuck were ya gonna tell me you’ve been bangin’ Satsu, B?!”
“Faith, please… you don’t understand…” Buffy starts, backing up a little with her hands in front of her as both surrender and defense. She doesn’t want to fight but she’s not sure that’s gonna be enough to stop it from happening.
“Damn fuckin’ right I don’t understand!” Faith screams, feeling the burning fire of her blood coursing through her veins. Her hand twitches, curling into a fist and she can see Buffy eye it cautiously before noticeably readying herself for a physical fight. But Faith isn’t going to hit her… not yet. Her upper lip curls into a sneer and she taunts her furiously, “Did ya like it? Huh? Ya get a thrill outta bangin’ kids, B? Never knew you were such a Chester Molester; I coulda dressed up in a little princess costume and wore pigtails if that’s what got ya off.”
“She’s eighteen, Faith!” Buffy screams, shocked and offended that Faith would call her such a thing. “Fuck you! She’s an adult!”
“She looks like she’s fourteen, you nasty fuckin’ bitch. All high voice and hero worship; bet that shit just gets your panties all kinds of soaked,” Faith taunts, fury rising in her like a slow burn before the explosion. She advances on her and Buffy continues to back up, not knowing what to do. Buffy’s feared Faith before, but it was nothing like this. She’s not scared of her this time because of the possibility of getting her ass kicked; after all, she can defend herself. So no, she’s more scared because she’s not going to be able to stick up for herself this time because it would only make her lose Faith faster.
And she can’t lose Faith. She might not deserve her but she still doesn’t want to lose her. Besides, what the hell is she gonna say in her own defense?
“Faith, please don’t do this,” Buffy begs softly, still taking steps back for each step forward Faith takes. “Let’s just go inside and talk about this calmly, please…”
“We are talkin’, Princess,” Faith sneers with a smile that in no way gives comfort to Buffy, nor should it. Then again, neither does the fence she just backed into; trapping her. Faith slams her hand down to wrap around one of the spokes by Buffy’s head, making her noticeably jump as she leans in, her face an inch from hers and tells her, “but I don’t think calm is on the menu right now, lover.”
“Faith…” Kennedy warns, watching the two of them carefully. Seeing Faith eye Buffy in a predatory manner doesn’t exactly look safe.
Faith growls, turning her head to look at Kennedy, “Stay outta this, Ken! I ain’t gonna fuckin’ hurt her; we’re just havin’ a little chat.”
Buffy looks at Kennedy, her eyes flashing with hatred and as they start to brim over with tears. “Why would you tell her?!” she screams, furious. She’d also like to know how the hell she knew, but that’s not what’s important right now. She must have known how Faith would react and yet she did it anyway!
“Because she actually gives a shit, B. Unlike some people,” Faith sneers, turning to face her again. They lock eyes while Faith addresses Kennedy, “Ken? Some privacy would be nice.”
“Faith, I’m not gonna leave you to-”
“Kennedy!” Faith yells, turning around furious. “Fuckin’ leave. Me and B got some relationship issues,” she mocks the word heavily, “and while I ain’t the wife beatin’ type, I will completely fuckin’ take you down for tryin’ to interfere. Love ya to death but back the fuck off.”
Buffy tries to take this opportunity to try to slide away from Faith unnoticed but she slams her other hand down to hold the bar on the opposite side of her head; trapping her. “Nah B, you stick around for a while,” she says lightly, but still keeps her eyes on Kennedy.
She can hear the pitch in her voice; feel the darkness in her head. She knows how crazy she sounds and she knows she’s slipping, but she’s got enough control… for now.
Kennedy gives her a warning look, but backs up a couple steps. “I see one fucking thing and I’ll kick your ass,” she tells her seriously.
Faith smiles at her, though Kennedy doesn’t take that as much of a comfort, “Wouldn’t expect anythin’ less.” She pauses for a second and then adds as an afterthought, “Oh, and tell the kids school’s cancelled today.” She didn’t need a pack of mini Slayers coming out here to ruin her fun after all.
Kennedy continues to eye her as she backs up, making her way back to the castle. Faith watches her the entire way until she sees her stop, leaning up against the wall with her arms folded across her chest. Faith turns back to Buffy, who’s still just standing there, trying not to cry.
“Ya know, I’m surprised at you, B,” Faith says lightly, still smiling in a way that makes Buffy feel like she’s going to break down due to very unwanted déjà vu. “Thought you’d be all high and mighty; defender of your fucked up morals. I’m still waitin’ to hear this grand excuse I know you’re just itchin’ to tell me about why you decided to be a lyin’ little cunt.”
Each word Faith says is like a stab in the heart for Buffy and she can feel one tear finally squeeze its way out and fall down her cheek and it kills her to see no sign of compassion on Faith’s face. “It wasn’t serious...” she tries, but Faith just makes the sound of a buzzer before:
“Wrong answer. Lemme ask ya again, Twinkie; why did ya fuckin’ feel like being a lying, slutty little cuntbag?”
“Faith, please stop… can’t we just-”
“Ya know, this is really interesting,” Faith says with mock fascination. “Here I am, callin’ you a cunt and you have yet to even hit me. This is new, but I gotta say this whole doormat thing doesn’t wear too well on ya.”
“Do you want to fight me, is that it?” Buffy asks, her bottom lip trembling a little as another tear falls. Her eyes flash but she stands her ground. “Will it make you feel better if you hit me?!”
Buffy thinks it might actually make her feel better if Faith hits her. But if she hits her first then the guilt is going to be worse and she’s trying… fuck, she’s trying to somehow make this end in a way where Faith doesn’t completely walk out of her life; she can’t handle that.
“Actually I’m still waitin’ for an answer. Tick tock, baby; time’s wastin’.” She looks behind her again to check on Kennedy, but she’s not alone now. She’s talking to another Slayer, who then looks at them and runs off; hopefully to spread the word that class is cancelled otherwise Faith will be one unhappy Slayer if she gets interrupted.
Kennedy is back to staring at her and Faith turns to face Buffy again, waiting for her answer.
“I…” Buffy starts, swallowing a little. “I didn’t want to hurt you,” Buffy tells her, and Faith laughs in her face.
“Yeah, ya did a spectacular job at that; well done.” She places her tongue between her teeth in almost a feral way as she smiles at her, amused in her anger. “Sometimes I wonder what really does go on in that pretty little head of yours, B.” Faith taps Buffy’s head with her finger but Buffy slaps her hand away angrily, making her smirk. “’I fucked another bitch so I wouldn’t hurt you’, really, that’s gotta be one for the books.”
“I didn’t tell you because I thought it would hurt you!” Buffy corrects, a sob sneaking out between her words. “Damnit, Faith! I broke it off! It wasn’t anything serious; it wasn’t like what’s between us!”
“And what exactly is between us, huh?” Faith asks scornfully. “Because right now all it looks like is shitload of lies!”
“I’m sorry!” Buffy cries.
“You’re sorry? Shove that one up your ass to get ya off, B, but don’t fuckin’ play that shit with me. How long have ya been fuckin’ her?” Buffy doesn’t answer her and Faith hits the spoke of the fence by her head again hard. “Tell me!”
“A little over a month,” Buffy admits softly.
“So why the fuck did you tell me that you were happy that I was your fuckin’ first?!” Faith screams, completely engaged by that because it meant something to her. For the first time ever, something sex related actually meant something to her and it ended up being a whole crock of shit.
“Because I wanted you to be!” Buffy screams, another sob emitting from her lips. “Fuck, Faith, don’t you get it?! I’ve loved you since I was seventeen!” She pushes her back away from her furiously, finally finding some strength within her to stand up for herself even though she knows she shouldn’t.
…And oh god, what did she just say?
Faith looks at her like she can’t believe what just came out of Buffy’s mouth. It’s so absurd that she laughs, not allowing herself to believe that because that doesn’t make any fucking sense. She shoves her back against the fence, pressing herself up against her as she hisses in her ear, “Liar.”
“I’m not lying!” Buffy screams, upset and enraged herself now. She tries to force her off of her but Faith keeps all her weight against her; pinning her there. She’s crying, sobbing, as she screams at her, finally admitting to herself and to her, “I think I fell in love with you the moment I first saw you!”
“SHUT UP!” Faith screams, her nails digging into Buffy’s arm. “Don’t you fuckin’ talk shit like that just cause you’re tryin’ to keep me like some little trophy prize! Tame the wild bitch, right? FUCK YOU, BUFFY!”
“That’s not what I’m trying to do!” Buffy exclaims. Her hand that’s on her hip to try to keep Faith a reasonable distance away slides up her body and she touches her face lightly, crying, “I love you, Faith…”
Faith’s eyes turn black with rage and she steps back, but only to give herself room to have a swing at Buffy. Her fist connects with the blonde’s chin and the back of Buffy’s head slams into the metal fence behind her. “Don’t you ever fuckin’ say that to me!” Faith screams as Buffy’s eyes meet hers, pain and sadness behind them as she rubs her jaw. But Faith doesn’t care; Faith can’t see anything past her own anger. “If you loved me you wouldn’t have been screwin’ that bitch behind my fuckin’ back!”
She can almost feel Kennedy coming over to them to stop the fight though so she turns and screams at her, “Ken, one more fuckin’ step and I’ll put you in the infirmary; back the hell off!”
“Faith, please…” Buffy begs softly, grabbing onto her shirt so she can hold onto her, even just that part of her. “I know what I did was wrong; I fucked up, okay? I should have told you about Satsu. But please… please don’t walk away because of this…”
Faith watches Kennedy stop and shake her head at her, looking furious with the threats but she also knows it really is none of her business and that hell, one punch isn’t the worst they’ve done to each other. She backs up again reluctantly and Faith turns back to Buffy.
Faith stares at the blonde for a moment, jaw locked and eyes darkening. Then she smirks in this evil little way as she steps closer to her, pressing her body flush up against Buffy’s. She watches her breathing hitch and Faith whispers in her ear harshly, “Ya wanna keep me, do ya?”
“Yes,” Buffy breathes, wrapping her arms around her waist, trying to take any opening to have some kind of contact with her because she’s not sure if it’ll be their last one.
“And how exactly do ya plan on doin’ that, when all I see when I look at you is walkin’ cum stain?” Faith breathes into her ear.
“Faith… don’t be cruel,” Buffy chokes out, tears still falling from her cheeks. But she holds onto her tighter, knowing that any minute Faith is going to walk away from her. She buries her face in her neck, fingers clawing at the material on the back of Faith’s shirt as her heart pounds heavily in her chest.
This is how battered wives must feel; being told they’re nothing but shit as they frantically try to hold on to their abuser like they’ll die if they let go. Difference is: Buffy knows she completely deserves all the horrible things Faith’s saying to her. She cheated on her, lied to her, hurt her.
So this is like the abuser begging for forgiveness more than anything now.
“But I thought you loved me, baby,” Faith mocks low in her ear, one of her hands gripping Buffy’s hip so hard she winces. “If you loved me you’d love all sides of me, even this one; the one that only you can bring out in me, lover.”
Buffy whimpers a little bit from the truth in that statement and how much it hurts. She can feel Faith smile wickedly against her neck.
“You love this power, don’t you, B? The power to make me go fuckin’ crazy and tear the world to shreds.” Her nails pierce Buffy’s skin on her hip and she cries out softly, but doesn’t move away from her; if anything she holds on tighter, her breathing getting heavier. Faith cocks an eyebrow at her behavior, “Kinky, B. Didn’t know a little pain would get ya off, but I guess it makes sense.”
“This isn’t-” Buffy tries to protest, but Faith retaliates by digging her nails in so hard that she draws blood. Buffy cries out again, burying her face in Faith’s neck as she holds onto her. Somewhere in the back of her mind this feels like some sort of test and that’s why she’s not letting go.
“So this is why ya wanted me to be your girl, huh? We always hurt each other; you and me... and you get off on it like a sick fuckin’ bitch. Bet you’re pourin’ down your thighs like a whore, aren’t ya?” Faith sneers in her ear, before unexpectedly slipping her hand inside Buffy’s jeans and cupping her pussy roughly, making her gasp hard. Faith snickers as she finds her proof, “Man, B, this shit really does somethin’ for ya, doesn’t it? Maybe I shoulda tied you up and whipped your uptight little ass instead of fuckin’ ya like you actually meant somethin’ to me.”
Buffy wants to defend that it’s just her, not the situation, but all she can think about is the fact that Faith’s hand is in her pants out in the open where anyone could see. “Please Faith, don’t do this here…” she begs softly.
“You really are taking everything like a little bitch today, aren’t ya? Ya know, about a week ago if I tried this you would’ve knocked me out,” Faith says, laughing a little cruelly as she slips her fingers beneath Buffy’s panties, sliding her fingers through her wet folds. Buffy gasps and shakes a little beneath her, hiding her face in shame from Kennedy and anyone else who might be out there watching.
“I don’t want to hit you,” Buffy whispers in explanation, her fingers tightening their grip on the back of Faith’s shirt. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
“So you’ll just let me fuck ya out here for everyone to see?” Faith asks with a smirk, pressing down on Buffy’s clit lightly. The blonde cries out softly, biting down on Faith’s shoulder for a moment to stifle it. But then she turns her head and breathes into her ear:
“I don’t want you too… but I’ll let you.”
Faith really doesn’t trust that answer, because it’s so un-Buffy-like. “Why? This some kind of fuckin’ mind game?”
“No! It’s because I’m trying to prove that I want you; that’d I’d do anything for you. The only thing you respond to is sex so yes, here’s me trying to do it your way, Faith,” Buffy tells her breathlessly. But that makes Faith scoff in disbelief and pull her hand out of her pants. She laughs a little at the absurdity of that.
“You’ve gotta be shitting me.”
“What do you want from me, Faith?!” Buffy exclaims, pushing her back a little as she gets fed up with all the games. She wipes away another tear on her cheek as she yells, “What do you want me to say, what the hell do you want me to do? I know you’ll never accept an apology; that’s not you. You’re all about black and white proof; so I’m standing here, asking what the hell you need from me so you can understand that I love you and that I need you in my life!”
“You know what I needed, Buffy?!” Faith screams, slamming her back up against the fence and getting in her face again. “I needed for you to trust that you could tell me shit! I needed you to fuckin’ trust me period and I fuckin’ needed to trust you! After all the fuckin’ bullshit between us you would think that that’d be important, right? Shit, I don’t know the first thing about relationships but I was gonna try; and you just went off and fucked up everything because you’re a selfish fuckin’ bitch that doesn’t give a shit that someone’s in love with them; you just want everything you can take from anyone that’s willin’ to give it!”
Buffy blinks, taken aback by that, “Faith…” she asks slowly, not sure if she heard her right. “Did you just… tell me you loved me?” She feels like that’s too much to hope for; that her brain was just playing tricks on her.
Faith shoves her back again, but then presses her lips to her ear as she whispers harshly, “I love you so fuckin’ much I can barely breathe sometimes…” It’s said with so much passion that Buffy believes every single word.
“Faith…” Buffy whispers, emotions welling up in her chest as tears do in her eyes. She looks at her, not being able to help the small smile that’s threatening to escape as she touches her face gently. But then Faith’s face changes and she laughs; the kind of laugh Buffy hasn’t heard since she went evil. It’s full of hatred and scorn and she steps away from her, every inch of her face showing nothing but amused anger at Buffy’s pain, and Buffy feels her heart break in half before Faith even speaks.
“How’s that for bein’ lied to, Buffy?”
“Faith…” Buffy whispers, tears running down her cheeks. That was so cruel she can’t even form a thought outside of her name. That’s on a whole different level of lying then what Buffy did. She just stares at her in disbelief and heart ache, her soul feeling like it’s ripping in half.
It’s killing Faith; lying to her like that. Not that she doesn’t love her, because she does; she knows that now… but telling her that it was a lie; that’s what’s fucking with her. But she’s hurt, more than she’s ever been and she doesn’t know what else to do besides lash out in the worst way she can. She knows something like that will hurt Buffy more than any blows to the face ever will.
She starts to walk away, just needing to get the hell away from her before she does something she regrets even more. Buffy just watches her go, not being able to utter a single word as she slides down the fence to fall to the grass, sobbing as she loses the woman she loves. With each step Faith takes, Buffy’s heart breaks a little more and all she can do is pray that she’ll look back…
…But Faith never does.
GO TO PART EIGHT...
Author: Sapphire Smoke cuzimastripper
Beta(s): supershineygirl & Frass
Fandom: Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Buffy/Faith, Buffy/Satsu
Word Length Thus Far: 58,953 words
Timeline: Season 8 - though in my world the Gigi thing never happened and the whole world isn't going to shit with Twilight. Because I say so. lol
Summary: Slayer dreams don't always mean an apocalypse is looming, but they're still confusing as hell.
A/N: I don't know why I'm doing another multichapter story. I think I might be insane.
Other Parts: PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE | PART FOUR | PART FIVE | PART SIX
CHAPTER TWELVE
The Pain She Causes
The sun is shining through the window, the birds chirping outside like the world really is one big happy place. Buffy can hear children outside playing and laughing, but only faintly; distantly. The white sheets are cool against her skin, but the rest of her is warmed from Faith’s body which is tangled half on top of hers; holding her. It’s too perfect, too serene to be real. Her eyes flicker up to look at Faith who smiles softly at her, running her fingers gently through her hair. It’s a smile full of nothing but love and contentment, when so often Buffy sees pain behind Faith’s eyes even when she’s happy.
“The knight returned to the castle,” Faith tells her softly, tracing Buffy’s jaw line with her fingertips. “She will earn the Queen’s favor.”
“The King doesn’t approve,” Buffy says, a little betrayal shining behind her eyes.
Faith chuckles, “The King never does.”
Buffy sighs and rolls over, taking Faith’s hand with her and drawing it to her chest, having Faith spoon her from behind. She stares at the far wall as she whispers, “The time draws closer.”
Faith kisses her shoulder softly, “The Queen will fall. The King’s battle plans will come to pass.” She brushes some of Buffy’s hair away from her neck gently.
Buffy looks over her shoulder quickly before moving a little away from her, letting go of her hand. “It is not the King’s wishes!” she defends harshly.
Faith looks at her a little sadly, “But it is with the King’s hand that the solider moves; manipulated like a pawn.”
“The King will not order it.”
“The King already has.” Buffy doesn’t say anything; she just looks at her like she needs an explanation, so Faith gives her one. “The blows that strike the Queen have been delivered without the soldiers knowledge; she is being used,” Faith tells her seriously. She reaches out and takes Buffy’s hand in hers. She brings it to her lips and kisses it softly, “What comes to pass is the King’s doing… and then the solider will follow her no longer.”
“Neither will the Queen,” Buffy whispers sadly. She feels a tear fall from her eye and she regrettably goes on, “I will be the one to deliver the final blow, not my soldier…”
Faith gives her a sad smile before leaning up and capturing Buffy’s lips in hers in a soft kiss. Buffy reaches out to her desperately, needing for it to not be true; needing to somehow make it better. Faith presses her hips hard against her, her tongue seeking out more contact within in Buffy’s mouth. But when Faith breaks suddenly, she whispers against her lips in a voice filled with anger and hate, “You will destroy me.”
Buffy pushes Faith away in shock and when she looks at her all the rage and pain is written across the brunette’s face. It frightens Buffy and she tries to move away, but Faith lunges, looking like she’s going to rip Buffy’s head from her body. She braces herself for the impact, eyes wide in terror… but it never comes.
Buffy gasps hard as she sits straight up in bed, waking from her dream. Her heart is pounding a million miles an hour and her hands are shaking as she pushes the covers off her body. Her brain seems to be going too fast for her to really comprehend anything, but all she knows is that she needs to see Faith now.
Her feet carry her quickly out of her bedroom and down the hall to Faith’s room. She pounds on the door frantically and when she hears Faith swear inside she takes that as an invitation. She opens the door and asks, “Faith?”
“What? For fuck’s sake, B, I’m tryin’ to sleep,” Faith groans sleepily, pulling the covers over her head.
Well, Faith in the morning isn’t always the most pleasant thing in the world, obviously.
“Faith, did you have the-”
“Of course I fuckin’ did, but I’m too goddamn tired right now so get the fuck out,” Faith snaps from underneath the covers, already knowing why Buffy chose to burst through the door at this unreasonable freakin’ hour. The dream also got her pissed like hell at Buffy and even though she doesn’t know why she still can’t help but let it come out.
“But don’t you think we should-” Buffy tries, but is interrupted once again.
“Fuck off, Buffy! Ya wanna talk about this shit so bad you’re gonna have to wait till the morning!”
Buffy looks at her like she’s just been struck. Faith’s been so sweet to her lately that this bitchy version is actually hurting her. Her bottom lip trembles a little, and maybe she’s just too emotional because of having a bad night’s sleep but she lashes out angrily instead, “It is morning, you lazy asshole! We have to train the girls in an hour so guess what; rise and fucking shine, Faith.”
Faith flips her off before Buffy backs out of the brunette’s room, slamming the door behind her so hard the wall actually shakes. She doesn’t deserve this! The dream messed with her too but that doesn’t give her the right to be bitchy about it! She furiously wipes away the fallen tear and glares at Faith’s door like that’s the cause of this morning’s unpleasantness.
“Buffy?”
Buffy turns to see Willow peeking her head out her door, looking at her curiously. “Is everything alright?” she asks, seeing Buffy’s distressed look and already having heard the yelling.
“Just great!” Buffy exclaims sarcastically, throwing her hands into the air. “I get shit for sleep, get shit from Faith, and why didn’t you ever let me know that Kennedy was coming?”
Willow blinks after Buffy’s little outburst. The two stare at each other for a moment before Willow suggests lightly, “Coffee?”
“Yes, please,” Buffy groans, covering her face with her hands. Willow gives her a sympathetic smile before tightening her robe around her. She starts walking down the stairs to the kitchen, Buffy following her with heavy, dejected footsteps. She really hated that she shared that kind of dream with Faith and instead of being able to talk about it; Faith decides it’d just be better to scream at her. Weren’t they past all the yelling and drama?
Obviously not.
Willow goes over to the coffee pot and pours them both a cup. Buffy slides onto one of the stools and puts her head in her hands, watching her. When Willow gives her a mug and slides onto the stool next to her she tells her softly, “I didn’t tell you because you’ve been going through a lot of stuff with your own love life. The last thing I thought you needed was me coming to you asking for advice.”
Buffy looks over at her, “Willow, you’re my friend; friends talk about that sort of stuff. It doesn’t matter if the world is ending; you can still talk to me.”
Willow shrugs lightly and takes a sip of her coffee. Buffy fiddles with the spoon in hers, stirring it counterclockwise as she stares down into it. “So…” she draws out slowly before glancing back up at her, “So you asked her to come back?”
“Yeah,” Willow says, looking a little confused. “I don’t know, Buffy. I’ve just been thinking about her a lot; probably more than someone should after they break up.”
“What’s the acceptable amount of thinking time allowed?” Buffy asks with a smirk.
Willow laughs a little, “I don’t know, but probably all the time isn’t acceptable in the realm of… acceptableness.” She sighs a little and takes another sip of coffee and Buffy waits for her to go on. When Willow puts her mug back down she tells her, “I think we gave up too fast.”
“Maybe,” Buffy agrees, shrugging a bit. “I mean, you still love her, don’t you?”
Willow smiles a little, “Yeah, I still do…”
Buffy returns her smile, even though her heart still hurts from the dream and all her mind is doing is screaming FAITHFATHFAITH over and over. “Then you owe it to yourself to see if it can work this time around.”
“Thanks, Buffy,” Willow says, and slides her hand over the one that’s resting on the counter, holding it. “Now tell me what’s going on with Faith,” she says with a little twinkle of amusement in her eye because she can practically read Buffy’s mind just by the look on her face.
Buffy sighs heavily, “We just… had a really screwed up Slayer dream and instead of talking about it she screamed at me, swore at me, and kicked me out of her room.”
“Faith isn’t a morning person,” Willow tells her seriously because come on; everyone knows that. One of the Slayers tried to wake her up the last time she was here and ended up getting thrown into a wall. Faith said it was on accident, that she “sleep fights” or something, but Willow isn’t quite sure she believes her.
“It’s more than that… I think that dream, it…” Buffy trails off, sighing again. She looks down at her still untouched mug of coffee and falls silent. She doesn’t know if she wants to tell Willow what she thinks it means.
“What happened in the dream?” Willow asks.
“Nothing.”
“Buffy, it had to have been something.”
Buffy chews on her bottom lip a little before she admits in a soft voice, “I think I’m going to hurt her, Will…” Even as she says it she knows it’s true; it’s just a feeling that’s creeping up inside of her and making her feel sick.
“Buffy…” Willow says sympathetically, sighing a little. She squeezes Buffy’s hand that she’s holding a little and tells her, “I think you need to break things off with Satsu. You can’t keep putting it off; the guilt is eating you alive.”
“I know,” Buffy whispers, looking down. “I just don’t want to hurt her…”
“And you should tell Faith the truth,” Willow goes on, looking at her expectantly. Buffy’s eyes shoot up to look at her.
“No… no, I can’t do that. Will, she’ll…” she groans, “God I don’t even want to think about what she’ll do. Do you know what she told me?”
“What?” Willow asks, looking at Buffy’s face mask with distress.
“She… she told me she was happy that…” she sighs heavily and covers her face with her hands as she admits, “that she was my first…” she shakes her head and clarifies, “girl, anyway. She said it meant something… and I just…” Buffy can feel her eyes start to well up with tears, the guilt washing over her like a tidal wave. She bites her lip hard, trying to stop the tears from falling.
“Oh, Buffy…” Willow says sympathetically.
“I can’t ruin that, Willow. I just can’t,” Buffy says, her voice cracking a bit from the emotional strain. She takes a shaky breath, trying to calm herself down. She isn’t going to cry this early in the morning. She has to train the girls, she has to… fuck, she has to break up with Satsu…
Buffy takes another deep breath, continuing to focus on keeping herself together. She is not an emotional wreck; she is the Slayer and she needs to start acting like one. She needs to be able to deal with her personal life like an adult and stop screwing things up because of her own fears.
She wants Faith; she needs Faith. She needs to stop being an idiot and making things complicated by lying and hiding things.
Buffy gives Willow a small smile before she stands up, “I need to go see Satsu,” she tells her softly. Willow nods in understanding and Buffy turns to leave. But she’s halfway to Satsu’s room before Faith comes out of her own, stopping dead as she looks at Buffy. Buffy stops too, her breath catching in her throat; she doesn’t exactly know what to expect after their little confrontation.
“Hey,” Faith says softly, hand still on the doorknob; frozen, not knowing what to expect from Buffy either.
“Hey…”
Now that Faith’s fully awake, she feels a little bad for snapping at Buffy like that. She finally takes her hand off the doorknob and instead runs it through her hair a little self consciously, “Look B, I didn’t mean to-”
“It’s okay,” Buffy says quickly, just glad that they aren’t about to have another fight. She’s still a little pissed about it, but after all she’s doing she knows she has no right to be. Faith looks at her skeptically.
“Yeah? Cause I was kinda bein’ a cunt.”
“Don’t use that word,” Buffy scolds her in distaste. She walks over to her slowly and takes her hand, lacing their fingers together. She looks down at them; Faith’s lightly mocha colored skin against her own pale white. “The dream messed with both of us; I get it. And… maybe we should talk about it. Later, obviously, since we have a class soon…”
Faith takes a breath and leans against her door, looking at Buffy, who finally looks up from their linked hands. “Fine,” she says, but she doesn’t sound too fine about the entire matter. The little warning voice in the back of her head keeps screaming at her to get away from Buffy before she hurts her.
But then again, she never listened to that voice.
“Faith,” Buffy says, keeping a hold on her hand as she tries to pull away. “I swear I would never hurt you on purpose.”
“It’s whatever, B,” Faith says, avoiding, like always. “Don’t really wanna make a thing outta it; it’s a dream. Don’t always mean shit.” Buffy sighs heavily at that and pulls her even closer to her so that they’re toe to toe.
Buffy looks at her seriously, her face inches from Faith as she lifts her hand to stroke her face softly. “I swear I would never hurt you on purpose,” she tells her again, annunciating each word. Her eyes search hers, trying to get that message across.
Faith stares back, like trying to see if she’s being honest, and seems to come to conclusion that she is because she leans in and whispers, “Okay,” before her lips meet Buffy’s in a soft kiss. Buffy’s wraps her arms around Faith’s neck and is about to let her eyes flutter closed to dive into the feeling, but she catches movement out of the corner of her eye; Satsu coming out of her room.
The younger slayer took one glance at the two of them and Buffy’s broke the kiss, eyes widening a little. But Satsu just turns on her heel and goes back into her room, slamming the door so hard the noise echoes through the hall. Faith turns around, startled and confused, “What the fuck was that?”
Buffy’s stomach drops to the floor and she tries to give Faith a reassuring smile despite her nervousness, thanking the Powers That Be that Faith didn’t actually see Satsu. “I don’t know, let me go deal with it; probably one of the girls. Why don’t you go get some breakfast before we train and then we can talk after, okay?”
Faith shrugs, not at all inclined to deal with mini-Slayer drama this early; that’s Buffy’s territory. “Whatever, long as I don’t gotta deal with it.”
Buffy leans up to give her a peck on the lips, “Okay, I’ll see you in like a half an hour.”
Buffy waits until she see’s Faith disappear down the hall and she can hear her footsteps descending the stairs before she takes a deep breath, looking over at Satsu’s door. Well, she was planning on doing this anyway so it’s now or never. That was not her ideal scenario but hopefully she can repair the damage before everything completely falls to pieces.
Fuck, that really is a horrible way for her to find out…
Her feet carry her slowly over to Satsu’s door and she hesitantly knocks on it. No answer. “Satsu?” she asks quietly. When she doesn’t get a response she grasps the doorknob, her heart pounding in her chest as she opens it. Satsu is just standing there, arms across her chest, looking hurt and furious at the same time. “Satsu…” she tries softly, sympathetically, but she’s interrupted.
“Kono ama!” she exclaims, pointing at her. “When were you going to tell me?”
Buffy’s pretty sure she doesn’t want to know what she just called her in Japanese. “Satsu…” she tries again; taking a step into the room towards her, but Satsu takes one back defiantly. “I’m sorry; I swear I was going to tell you today. I didn’t want you to find out like that…”
Satsu’s eyes are filled with the pain of a broken heart and it makes Buffy feel horrible. Her voice shakes a little as she tells her, “I thought more of you, Buffy. I know I was never yours, not truly, but it’s fucked up that you let me continue to believe in your interest for me when obviously it hasn’t been that way for a long time.”
“No, Satsu, it’s not like that. This thing with Faith… it’s recent. I didn’t-”
“Urusei!” Satsu exclaims loudly, and her tone makes Buffy fall silent. “I’m not stupid, Buffy! Don’t insult me by pretending that your heart hasn’t always belonged to her. And that hurts, but that’s not why I’m angry with you right now!”
“Then…?” Buffy tries, but she can’t seem to get much of a word in edgewise right now.
“Because you used me! You lied to me and I’m guessing you lied to her as well! Baka yariman, do you ever see past your own desires?! You live your love life the way you live in battle; you do anything to get what you want and make no apologies because of your damn pride, and you never stop to notice the people who get hurt in your wake because you believe you have to always see the bigger picture. But the problem is that your bigger picture is always formed to your desires; you’re selfish!”
“I never used you!” Buffy tries to protest, but once again she’s cut off before she can finish defending herself.
“Well I feel like some kind of practice run for you!” Satsu exclaims, her eyes flashing. Buffy’s jaw drops a little.
“No! Satsu, that’s wasn’t what that was! I was with you because of you, not as some kind of test run for Faith. How can you think that?”
“How can I not?! You sneak into my room in the dead of night, take what you want and then you leave. You pay me no affections outside of the bedroom, you show me no loyalty, and yet the second Faith comes around you’re so comfortable with what you have now that you let her kiss you in the middle of the hallway? How else am I supposed to feel about that, Buffy? Tell me!” Satsu yells furiously.
“What do you want me to say?!” Buffy exclaims, a bit desperately. She doesn’t know how to answer that! She can’t just be like ‘because she’s Faith,’ just because she doesn’t know any other reason. It seems to be her reason for everything, after all. “I’m sorry, alright? The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you!”
“Well - and feel free to take all the offense to this as you want - you really fucking suck at it,” Satsu tells her, jaw clenched. “You could have just been honest with me when you started to feel things for her! I would have been upset but I would have understood. Instead you lie to me, make love to me, take care of me when I’m injured all while fucking Faith behind my back. That’s insulting!”
Buffy could lie and say she isn’t fucking Faith, but lies haven’t been getting her anywhere good this past week so she doesn’t deny it. “I’m sorry…” she says softly, eyes brimming with tears at how horrible she feels. “I’m sorry, Satsu… you don’t deserve this.”
“No, I don’t,” she tells her firmly, her own voice shaking again. Buffy watches the girl start to break in front of her, one single tear falling down her cheek. “I love you, Buffy. All I ever wanted was to see you happy, and if that didn’t include me then I was fine with that. But for you to lie like that...”
Buffy walks over to her slowly, “Satsu…” Satsu stands her ground this time, allowing Buffy to come closer. But she stops in front of her once Satsu starts to speak again.
“That night that you two went out, the night I got hurt… was that a date?” she asks softly.
Buffy’s heart clenches in her chest, but she doesn’t lie. “Yes…” she whispers. Satsu scoffs, another tear falling down her cheek before she pushes Buffy away and sits on her bed heavily.
“So when you came back, when you saw me in the infirmary, you weren’t there out of compassion, were you? You didn’t care; you only took care of me because of your own guilt!” she accuses loudly.
“I do care about you!” Buffy protests, quickly crossing the distance to sit next to her on the bed. She puts a hand on Satsu’s thigh and looks her in the eyes and tells her, “Of course I care about you, Satsu. Don’t ever tell me that I don’t. I might have not have ever loved you in the same way that you do me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care.”
Satsu says nothing; she just stares at her, angry tears falling from her eyes. Buffy feels one of her own falling and she lifts up her hand cautiously before she wipes away one of them from Satsu’s cheek. “Satsu… please believe me when I say I care about you. You are sweet, attentive, loving… and I will always hold a special place in my heart for you.” She sniffs as she watches another tear roll down Satsu’s cheek and she leans in and kisses her forehead. “I never meant to hurt you…”
When Buffy pulls away Satsu leans up and captures her lips with hers, her tears splashing against Buffy’s cheeks. Buffy kisses her back softly, another tear falling from her eyes as well. It was a goodbye and both of them knew it. Satsu grabs her shirt, pulling her closer as a sob releases from her lips at her own desperation. Buffy strokes her cheek and kisses her back deeper, trying to convey a thank you for her being there for her when she needed someone. The kiss meant so much and yet was so final and when they pull apart Satsu breaks down and sobs as Buffy wraps her in her arms.
“Shhh…” she tries to console her, her own cheeks wet from crying now. She strokes her hair and kisses the top of her head as Satsu buries her face in the crook of her neck. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” she whispers.
And as the two of them hold onto each other during the final moments in their relationship, they both are unaware of the figure watching them from the doorway, who slips away quietly, not sure what exactly they just witnessed.
But they knew it wasn’t anything good.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Faith Finds Out
Faith lay back on the benches, one foot propped up as she looks at the sky. Bringing the cigarette between her fingers to her lips she takes a good long pull, knowing she’s gonna need the nicotine to be able to survive this training session. For one, it’s too damn early; who the fuck thought it’d be a good idea to train at seven in the morning? For two, while Buffy can stand there and tell her she’d never hurt her, the fact of the matter is that’s what Buffy’s good at.
Faith’s always blamed herself for the pain that Buffy causes her, knowing it’s because of who she was or what she’d done. But she’s been on the straight and narrow for a while now, and even though Buffy’s been good at hurting her by drudging up past shit; she’s got this nagging feeling that that’s not what the dream was talking about. Besides, hurting her and destroying her; major fuckin’ difference.
But maybe a part of her already knew Buffy would be the one to destroy her in the end and that’s why she’s not as freaked as her blonde counterpart. Buffy’s always owned her completely and with that type of power it’s easy to destroy someone. Faith fought like hell to keep it away from her once, but she’s since given up on that front. She just found it really fuckin’ pointless to try to fight something that’s clearly inevitable.
Besides; love is about pain, right?
Faith chokes on the smoke she just inhaled, coughing as she sits up after she just had that thought. Love? Where the fuck did that come from? She coughs a couple more times, her hand to her chest as she throws the cigarette to the ground. Fuck all of that; she is not in love. She is not fuckin’ in… fuck.
This can’t be good.
“You’re like a walking ‘Truth’ billboard,” Kennedy says with a smirk as she climbs up the bleachers two at a time. Faith flips her off during her coughing fit.
Kennedy flops down on the bench next to her and slaps her back hard, making Faith cough one more time before hitting her thigh in annoyance. “Fuck, Ken!”
“Just trying to help,” Kennedy says with that shit eating grin of hers. Faith rolls her eyes, the coughing finally subsided. She groans a little though, leaning back on her elbows against the bleacher seats a row up. Fuck. Love.
She can’t be in love. Faith Lehane doesn’t do love; maybe infatuation, but not love.
Or obsession; she’ll take obsession over love at this point too. Fuck… LOVE? Hell no. But if she’s so sure it’s not love then why the fuck is she trying to justify it in her head?
“What’s eating you?” Kennedy asks, looking over at Faith’s pensive look. Faith’s eyes flicker over to look at her and she shrugs.
“Nothin’. Just… thinkin’.”
“About Buffy?” Kennedy asks, like she’s afraid of that answer. Her tone makes Faith arc an eyebrow.
“Somethin’ ya wanna share with the rest of the class, Ken?”
Kennedy wrings her hands together a little. “Look, it’s probably none of my business…” she starts.
“Well that’s probably true,” Faith says with a smirk, but Kennedy shoots her a glare.
“Faith, I’m not one to start stuff…” Faith scoffs in disbelief and Kennedy revises, “Okay, maybe I am. But you’re my friend, and I don’t know if you know everything that’s going on, and hell I probably don’t either, but I know what I saw and I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“What the fuck are ya talkin’ about?” Faith asks, looking at her like she better start making some sense and quick. She’s starting to make her nervous and Faith really doesn’t like that feeling, especially after the dream she shared with Buffy last night.
“Hey,” Kennedy says, holding up her hand to Faith, wary of her tone. “Don’t start getting all ‘Angry Slayer’ on me. I’m sure Buffy’s already told you anyway. She’s all Ms. Righteous and Truthful,” she mocks the words a little.
“Tell me what exactly?” Faith asks, her patience starting to border on nonexistent. “Ken, don’t fuck around.”
“Satsu-” Kennedy starts, but is interrupted.
“Faith!”
Both slayers turn to look down at Buffy at the foot of the bleachers. She calls up to them, “Can you give me a hand with these mats, please?” She looks frustrated as she pushes the blonde hair out of her face and kind of kicks at the pile of mats in front of her that she’s been trying to drag by herself. Strong or not, there are a lot of them for one person to carry. But Faith doesn’t give half a crap about the mats, she’s just staring at her, jaw tightening.
“What about Satsu?” Faith asks in a low voice, eyes locked with Buffy’s. A horrible feeling starts to creep up from the pit of her stomach as her mind automatically goes to the worst possible scenarios. Pessimistic maybe, but she knows better than to be optimistic and then have the rug taken out from under her.
And it gets worse when Kennedy doesn’t say anything, realizing that Faith obviously doesn’t know. A part of her wants to tell her; thinks that Faith deserves to know, but another part... that one’s telling her that if she does in another two minutes there’s gonna be a full on brawl.
But Buffy is obviously a cheating fucking bitch and Faith doesn’t deserve that, so Kennedy tells her quietly, eyes glancing at Buffy, “Buffy just broke up with Satsu twenty minutes ago.”
She might have broken up with her, but she still lied. Once a liar, always a liar in Kennedy’s book.
“Faith!” Buffy calls, irritated at being ignored. “A little help would be nice, please?”
Faith’s hand that’s resting on the bleacher seat tightens its grip and the metal bends under the force. But she laughs a little, like it’s absurd, because it is, right? “You gotta be shitting me.”
“Faith!”
But both of them are ignoring Buffy. Kennedy looks at her sympathetically while Faith laughs again, trying to keep the absurdity of the moment and ignore the wave of disbelief and recognition that’s starting to hit her. It made too much sense but yet it didn’t make any at all.
The way Satsu would look at her… she thought it was just some fuckin’ crush. But Buffy actually…?
“I’m not shitting you, Faith,” Kennedy says softly, putting a hand on her knee. “I don’t know how long she was seeing her or what exactly went on between them but… what I saw was definitely a break up.”
Faith pushes herself away from Kennedy, not needing the small pity gestures. She was starting to feel sick, like something crawled up her throat and died. Her eyes flash and Buffy’s trying to call her back down but the words don’t compute in her mind, all she can think about is all the times she’s seen them together and how fucking obvious it should have been, even though Buffy tried her best to hide it.
“She said she’s never been with another chick,” Faith says, eyes still locked on Buffy. Her voice breaks a little though as she says it and she winces, getting furious at her own emotions.
“Faith!” Buffy tries again, but she’s not getting any response. “Ugh, fine, nevermind!” Buffy yells annoyed, looking furiously over at the two of them up there before picking up the heavy mats and dragging them across the way to the other end of the field where they’ll be training the girls in a little while.
Faith’s fingers are still gripped onto the bleachers and her muscles twitch with the wave of strength that passes through her arm as she tightens her grip. “She fuckin’ told me that she was happy I was her first…” her eyes never leave Buffy as she speaks, her voice coming out very detached and dead.
It’s not like they said they were exclusive… so that’s not what’s bothering her. Actually, maybe it partly is. After all, Buffy would flip her shit if she went off and slept with someone else right now, wouldn’t she? But that’s not the big part. The fuckin’ big ass part is that Buffy lied to her about it. How many fucking times did she have the opportunity to just be honest? But instead she just fucking sat there and told her she was happy that Faith was her first!
“What did you see?” Faith asks her, trying to control herself for at least thirty more seconds. “When you saw them… what exactly did you see?”
Because she’s Faith: The Good Slayer now, Faith; the one who apparently needs to start thinking before she acts. So here she is thinking, sort of; getting the fuckin’ facts before she jumps up and starts bashing heads.
Kennedy watches the emotions pass over Faith’s face and she goes on, figuring she deserves to know the whole truth because if the roles were reversed, she’d want to know. “I heard Buffy tell her that she never meant to hurt her. I… looked in, to see what was going on, I thought it was you she was talking to… but I saw her kissing Satsu. They were crying…” she watches Faith’s jaw lock tightly and her muscles in her arm start to twitch, “Faith, I’m so sorry…” she tries.
Something inside Faith snaps.
“You lyin’ sack of shit!” Faith screams suddenly at Buffy, who stops trying to get the next mat and looks up at Faith shocked and confused. The brunette stands up after punching the bleacher seat hard, making the sound rattle as her eyes flash black. She starts taking the bleacher steps two at a time to reach her, and Buffy steps back instinctively into a defensive pose. “When the fuck were you going to tell me?!”
“Faith!” Kennedy tries, but she knows it’s already useless. She’s following her though, knowing that if this gets too out of hand she’s going to have to try and stop it.
“What are you talking about?” Buffy asks, eyes wide at Faith’s furious demeanor. Her stomach drops to the floor though because she already knows what this is about; the only thing it could ever be about. No, not now, not after she just broke up with Satsu… she can’t handle this. She was trying to do the right thing finally and it…
“You fuckin’ know what!” Faith screams, jumping off the last of the bleachers to land in front of her. She sneers, “When the fuck were ya gonna tell me you’ve been bangin’ Satsu, B?!”
“Faith, please… you don’t understand…” Buffy starts, backing up a little with her hands in front of her as both surrender and defense. She doesn’t want to fight but she’s not sure that’s gonna be enough to stop it from happening.
“Damn fuckin’ right I don’t understand!” Faith screams, feeling the burning fire of her blood coursing through her veins. Her hand twitches, curling into a fist and she can see Buffy eye it cautiously before noticeably readying herself for a physical fight. But Faith isn’t going to hit her… not yet. Her upper lip curls into a sneer and she taunts her furiously, “Did ya like it? Huh? Ya get a thrill outta bangin’ kids, B? Never knew you were such a Chester Molester; I coulda dressed up in a little princess costume and wore pigtails if that’s what got ya off.”
“She’s eighteen, Faith!” Buffy screams, shocked and offended that Faith would call her such a thing. “Fuck you! She’s an adult!”
“She looks like she’s fourteen, you nasty fuckin’ bitch. All high voice and hero worship; bet that shit just gets your panties all kinds of soaked,” Faith taunts, fury rising in her like a slow burn before the explosion. She advances on her and Buffy continues to back up, not knowing what to do. Buffy’s feared Faith before, but it was nothing like this. She’s not scared of her this time because of the possibility of getting her ass kicked; after all, she can defend herself. So no, she’s more scared because she’s not going to be able to stick up for herself this time because it would only make her lose Faith faster.
And she can’t lose Faith. She might not deserve her but she still doesn’t want to lose her. Besides, what the hell is she gonna say in her own defense?
“Faith, please don’t do this,” Buffy begs softly, still taking steps back for each step forward Faith takes. “Let’s just go inside and talk about this calmly, please…”
“We are talkin’, Princess,” Faith sneers with a smile that in no way gives comfort to Buffy, nor should it. Then again, neither does the fence she just backed into; trapping her. Faith slams her hand down to wrap around one of the spokes by Buffy’s head, making her noticeably jump as she leans in, her face an inch from hers and tells her, “but I don’t think calm is on the menu right now, lover.”
“Faith…” Kennedy warns, watching the two of them carefully. Seeing Faith eye Buffy in a predatory manner doesn’t exactly look safe.
Faith growls, turning her head to look at Kennedy, “Stay outta this, Ken! I ain’t gonna fuckin’ hurt her; we’re just havin’ a little chat.”
Buffy looks at Kennedy, her eyes flashing with hatred and as they start to brim over with tears. “Why would you tell her?!” she screams, furious. She’d also like to know how the hell she knew, but that’s not what’s important right now. She must have known how Faith would react and yet she did it anyway!
“Because she actually gives a shit, B. Unlike some people,” Faith sneers, turning to face her again. They lock eyes while Faith addresses Kennedy, “Ken? Some privacy would be nice.”
“Faith, I’m not gonna leave you to-”
“Kennedy!” Faith yells, turning around furious. “Fuckin’ leave. Me and B got some relationship issues,” she mocks the word heavily, “and while I ain’t the wife beatin’ type, I will completely fuckin’ take you down for tryin’ to interfere. Love ya to death but back the fuck off.”
Buffy tries to take this opportunity to try to slide away from Faith unnoticed but she slams her other hand down to hold the bar on the opposite side of her head; trapping her. “Nah B, you stick around for a while,” she says lightly, but still keeps her eyes on Kennedy.
She can hear the pitch in her voice; feel the darkness in her head. She knows how crazy she sounds and she knows she’s slipping, but she’s got enough control… for now.
Kennedy gives her a warning look, but backs up a couple steps. “I see one fucking thing and I’ll kick your ass,” she tells her seriously.
Faith smiles at her, though Kennedy doesn’t take that as much of a comfort, “Wouldn’t expect anythin’ less.” She pauses for a second and then adds as an afterthought, “Oh, and tell the kids school’s cancelled today.” She didn’t need a pack of mini Slayers coming out here to ruin her fun after all.
Kennedy continues to eye her as she backs up, making her way back to the castle. Faith watches her the entire way until she sees her stop, leaning up against the wall with her arms folded across her chest. Faith turns back to Buffy, who’s still just standing there, trying not to cry.
“Ya know, I’m surprised at you, B,” Faith says lightly, still smiling in a way that makes Buffy feel like she’s going to break down due to very unwanted déjà vu. “Thought you’d be all high and mighty; defender of your fucked up morals. I’m still waitin’ to hear this grand excuse I know you’re just itchin’ to tell me about why you decided to be a lyin’ little cunt.”
Each word Faith says is like a stab in the heart for Buffy and she can feel one tear finally squeeze its way out and fall down her cheek and it kills her to see no sign of compassion on Faith’s face. “It wasn’t serious...” she tries, but Faith just makes the sound of a buzzer before:
“Wrong answer. Lemme ask ya again, Twinkie; why did ya fuckin’ feel like being a lying, slutty little cuntbag?”
“Faith, please stop… can’t we just-”
“Ya know, this is really interesting,” Faith says with mock fascination. “Here I am, callin’ you a cunt and you have yet to even hit me. This is new, but I gotta say this whole doormat thing doesn’t wear too well on ya.”
“Do you want to fight me, is that it?” Buffy asks, her bottom lip trembling a little as another tear falls. Her eyes flash but she stands her ground. “Will it make you feel better if you hit me?!”
Buffy thinks it might actually make her feel better if Faith hits her. But if she hits her first then the guilt is going to be worse and she’s trying… fuck, she’s trying to somehow make this end in a way where Faith doesn’t completely walk out of her life; she can’t handle that.
“Actually I’m still waitin’ for an answer. Tick tock, baby; time’s wastin’.” She looks behind her again to check on Kennedy, but she’s not alone now. She’s talking to another Slayer, who then looks at them and runs off; hopefully to spread the word that class is cancelled otherwise Faith will be one unhappy Slayer if she gets interrupted.
Kennedy is back to staring at her and Faith turns to face Buffy again, waiting for her answer.
“I…” Buffy starts, swallowing a little. “I didn’t want to hurt you,” Buffy tells her, and Faith laughs in her face.
“Yeah, ya did a spectacular job at that; well done.” She places her tongue between her teeth in almost a feral way as she smiles at her, amused in her anger. “Sometimes I wonder what really does go on in that pretty little head of yours, B.” Faith taps Buffy’s head with her finger but Buffy slaps her hand away angrily, making her smirk. “’I fucked another bitch so I wouldn’t hurt you’, really, that’s gotta be one for the books.”
“I didn’t tell you because I thought it would hurt you!” Buffy corrects, a sob sneaking out between her words. “Damnit, Faith! I broke it off! It wasn’t anything serious; it wasn’t like what’s between us!”
“And what exactly is between us, huh?” Faith asks scornfully. “Because right now all it looks like is shitload of lies!”
“I’m sorry!” Buffy cries.
“You’re sorry? Shove that one up your ass to get ya off, B, but don’t fuckin’ play that shit with me. How long have ya been fuckin’ her?” Buffy doesn’t answer her and Faith hits the spoke of the fence by her head again hard. “Tell me!”
“A little over a month,” Buffy admits softly.
“So why the fuck did you tell me that you were happy that I was your fuckin’ first?!” Faith screams, completely engaged by that because it meant something to her. For the first time ever, something sex related actually meant something to her and it ended up being a whole crock of shit.
“Because I wanted you to be!” Buffy screams, another sob emitting from her lips. “Fuck, Faith, don’t you get it?! I’ve loved you since I was seventeen!” She pushes her back away from her furiously, finally finding some strength within her to stand up for herself even though she knows she shouldn’t.
…And oh god, what did she just say?
Faith looks at her like she can’t believe what just came out of Buffy’s mouth. It’s so absurd that she laughs, not allowing herself to believe that because that doesn’t make any fucking sense. She shoves her back against the fence, pressing herself up against her as she hisses in her ear, “Liar.”
“I’m not lying!” Buffy screams, upset and enraged herself now. She tries to force her off of her but Faith keeps all her weight against her; pinning her there. She’s crying, sobbing, as she screams at her, finally admitting to herself and to her, “I think I fell in love with you the moment I first saw you!”
“SHUT UP!” Faith screams, her nails digging into Buffy’s arm. “Don’t you fuckin’ talk shit like that just cause you’re tryin’ to keep me like some little trophy prize! Tame the wild bitch, right? FUCK YOU, BUFFY!”
“That’s not what I’m trying to do!” Buffy exclaims. Her hand that’s on her hip to try to keep Faith a reasonable distance away slides up her body and she touches her face lightly, crying, “I love you, Faith…”
Faith’s eyes turn black with rage and she steps back, but only to give herself room to have a swing at Buffy. Her fist connects with the blonde’s chin and the back of Buffy’s head slams into the metal fence behind her. “Don’t you ever fuckin’ say that to me!” Faith screams as Buffy’s eyes meet hers, pain and sadness behind them as she rubs her jaw. But Faith doesn’t care; Faith can’t see anything past her own anger. “If you loved me you wouldn’t have been screwin’ that bitch behind my fuckin’ back!”
She can almost feel Kennedy coming over to them to stop the fight though so she turns and screams at her, “Ken, one more fuckin’ step and I’ll put you in the infirmary; back the hell off!”
“Faith, please…” Buffy begs softly, grabbing onto her shirt so she can hold onto her, even just that part of her. “I know what I did was wrong; I fucked up, okay? I should have told you about Satsu. But please… please don’t walk away because of this…”
Faith watches Kennedy stop and shake her head at her, looking furious with the threats but she also knows it really is none of her business and that hell, one punch isn’t the worst they’ve done to each other. She backs up again reluctantly and Faith turns back to Buffy.
Faith stares at the blonde for a moment, jaw locked and eyes darkening. Then she smirks in this evil little way as she steps closer to her, pressing her body flush up against Buffy’s. She watches her breathing hitch and Faith whispers in her ear harshly, “Ya wanna keep me, do ya?”
“Yes,” Buffy breathes, wrapping her arms around her waist, trying to take any opening to have some kind of contact with her because she’s not sure if it’ll be their last one.
“And how exactly do ya plan on doin’ that, when all I see when I look at you is walkin’ cum stain?” Faith breathes into her ear.
“Faith… don’t be cruel,” Buffy chokes out, tears still falling from her cheeks. But she holds onto her tighter, knowing that any minute Faith is going to walk away from her. She buries her face in her neck, fingers clawing at the material on the back of Faith’s shirt as her heart pounds heavily in her chest.
This is how battered wives must feel; being told they’re nothing but shit as they frantically try to hold on to their abuser like they’ll die if they let go. Difference is: Buffy knows she completely deserves all the horrible things Faith’s saying to her. She cheated on her, lied to her, hurt her.
So this is like the abuser begging for forgiveness more than anything now.
“But I thought you loved me, baby,” Faith mocks low in her ear, one of her hands gripping Buffy’s hip so hard she winces. “If you loved me you’d love all sides of me, even this one; the one that only you can bring out in me, lover.”
Buffy whimpers a little bit from the truth in that statement and how much it hurts. She can feel Faith smile wickedly against her neck.
“You love this power, don’t you, B? The power to make me go fuckin’ crazy and tear the world to shreds.” Her nails pierce Buffy’s skin on her hip and she cries out softly, but doesn’t move away from her; if anything she holds on tighter, her breathing getting heavier. Faith cocks an eyebrow at her behavior, “Kinky, B. Didn’t know a little pain would get ya off, but I guess it makes sense.”
“This isn’t-” Buffy tries to protest, but Faith retaliates by digging her nails in so hard that she draws blood. Buffy cries out again, burying her face in Faith’s neck as she holds onto her. Somewhere in the back of her mind this feels like some sort of test and that’s why she’s not letting go.
“So this is why ya wanted me to be your girl, huh? We always hurt each other; you and me... and you get off on it like a sick fuckin’ bitch. Bet you’re pourin’ down your thighs like a whore, aren’t ya?” Faith sneers in her ear, before unexpectedly slipping her hand inside Buffy’s jeans and cupping her pussy roughly, making her gasp hard. Faith snickers as she finds her proof, “Man, B, this shit really does somethin’ for ya, doesn’t it? Maybe I shoulda tied you up and whipped your uptight little ass instead of fuckin’ ya like you actually meant somethin’ to me.”
Buffy wants to defend that it’s just her, not the situation, but all she can think about is the fact that Faith’s hand is in her pants out in the open where anyone could see. “Please Faith, don’t do this here…” she begs softly.
“You really are taking everything like a little bitch today, aren’t ya? Ya know, about a week ago if I tried this you would’ve knocked me out,” Faith says, laughing a little cruelly as she slips her fingers beneath Buffy’s panties, sliding her fingers through her wet folds. Buffy gasps and shakes a little beneath her, hiding her face in shame from Kennedy and anyone else who might be out there watching.
“I don’t want to hit you,” Buffy whispers in explanation, her fingers tightening their grip on the back of Faith’s shirt. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
“So you’ll just let me fuck ya out here for everyone to see?” Faith asks with a smirk, pressing down on Buffy’s clit lightly. The blonde cries out softly, biting down on Faith’s shoulder for a moment to stifle it. But then she turns her head and breathes into her ear:
“I don’t want you too… but I’ll let you.”
Faith really doesn’t trust that answer, because it’s so un-Buffy-like. “Why? This some kind of fuckin’ mind game?”
“No! It’s because I’m trying to prove that I want you; that’d I’d do anything for you. The only thing you respond to is sex so yes, here’s me trying to do it your way, Faith,” Buffy tells her breathlessly. But that makes Faith scoff in disbelief and pull her hand out of her pants. She laughs a little at the absurdity of that.
“You’ve gotta be shitting me.”
“What do you want from me, Faith?!” Buffy exclaims, pushing her back a little as she gets fed up with all the games. She wipes away another tear on her cheek as she yells, “What do you want me to say, what the hell do you want me to do? I know you’ll never accept an apology; that’s not you. You’re all about black and white proof; so I’m standing here, asking what the hell you need from me so you can understand that I love you and that I need you in my life!”
“You know what I needed, Buffy?!” Faith screams, slamming her back up against the fence and getting in her face again. “I needed for you to trust that you could tell me shit! I needed you to fuckin’ trust me period and I fuckin’ needed to trust you! After all the fuckin’ bullshit between us you would think that that’d be important, right? Shit, I don’t know the first thing about relationships but I was gonna try; and you just went off and fucked up everything because you’re a selfish fuckin’ bitch that doesn’t give a shit that someone’s in love with them; you just want everything you can take from anyone that’s willin’ to give it!”
Buffy blinks, taken aback by that, “Faith…” she asks slowly, not sure if she heard her right. “Did you just… tell me you loved me?” She feels like that’s too much to hope for; that her brain was just playing tricks on her.
Faith shoves her back again, but then presses her lips to her ear as she whispers harshly, “I love you so fuckin’ much I can barely breathe sometimes…” It’s said with so much passion that Buffy believes every single word.
“Faith…” Buffy whispers, emotions welling up in her chest as tears do in her eyes. She looks at her, not being able to help the small smile that’s threatening to escape as she touches her face gently. But then Faith’s face changes and she laughs; the kind of laugh Buffy hasn’t heard since she went evil. It’s full of hatred and scorn and she steps away from her, every inch of her face showing nothing but amused anger at Buffy’s pain, and Buffy feels her heart break in half before Faith even speaks.
“How’s that for bein’ lied to, Buffy?”
“Faith…” Buffy whispers, tears running down her cheeks. That was so cruel she can’t even form a thought outside of her name. That’s on a whole different level of lying then what Buffy did. She just stares at her in disbelief and heart ache, her soul feeling like it’s ripping in half.
It’s killing Faith; lying to her like that. Not that she doesn’t love her, because she does; she knows that now… but telling her that it was a lie; that’s what’s fucking with her. But she’s hurt, more than she’s ever been and she doesn’t know what else to do besides lash out in the worst way she can. She knows something like that will hurt Buffy more than any blows to the face ever will.
She starts to walk away, just needing to get the hell away from her before she does something she regrets even more. Buffy just watches her go, not being able to utter a single word as she slides down the fence to fall to the grass, sobbing as she loses the woman she loves. With each step Faith takes, Buffy’s heart breaks a little more and all she can do is pray that she’ll look back…
…But Faith never does.
GO TO PART EIGHT...