[Walking up behind Abel, he was only able to see he had a box and not what was inside it yet... if it had been anything physical at all, Cain's had just contained a note and then a rush of sensation.]
[Ah... He wasn't expecting Abel to be so forthright about it, he had never been one that was good at talking about this kind of thing. He is silent for a moment, before nodding a little jerkily.]
There's only one... way it makes sense.
[And even that doesn't make sense, can't make sense. If he was gone, how was Abel so happy? Was the bond really all on Cain's side?]
Abel watches him a long beat... and then sits on the bed, slowly, seeming decidedly less than enthusiastic. resigned, even, as he pats the spot beside him in gesture for Cain to sit.]
...I've been thinking... a lot, since... everything that happened at Halloween.
[Why is he not denying it and explaining? A tiny bubble of panic rose up from his stomach; his brother is the one thing that can properly break through masks and gentle exteriors, especially the unconscionable thought of losing him.
He stays where he is stood, just staring at Abel with a half plea in his eyes, voice calm still by some miracle of God.]
[He feels... cold. Frightened in a way that no test or experiment had ever made him. Abel is telling him that he's dead, he died and... he wasn't going to get the future he was so determined to make his own. Not only that, but his brother, his supposed other half, had happily gone on with his life and even made a change for the better without him around.]
[if he says nothing... then his brother will be living in a deplorable state of uncertainty and fear, doubting himself and his future until the inevitable occurred, and...
if he tells him...
...if he... tells him, then... would he hate him? maybe Abel would finally see the rage and disgust in the eyes of his brother as was sorely deserved for what he'd done. even as some masochistic part of him years for a long overdue judgment, he is -terrified- of it still.
be had-- wanted this to be his chance at making his twin happy... he had wanted so badly to protect and nurture him, to make him smile and be the brother he should've been the first time around and now he's already blown it, and--]
[There is no disgust, not even rage... just disbelief and a whole world of hurt. He sincerely doesn't understand this at all, and a part of him wants to scream that this Abel must be an imposter after all.
How could he have died? How could he have been sundered from his brother like that? But, most of all, how had Abel survived it? It made him feel bitter and guilty at the same time; disgusted at himself for questioning why his brother was alive, and yet unable to stop himself feeling inherently cheated that he was.
Would Abel think he was such a saintly little boy if he knew those thoughts going through his head? How could he be so monstrous and egotistical as to expect Abel to have died just because he had, but... he would have died if Abel had, he just knows it.
He doesn't know what to say, can't absorb the enormity of having his whole world pulled so successfully and completely from underneath him, just shaking his head dumbly.]
[he doesn't know what to say, what to do... how to make this better. all the things he could try seem so hollow and... almost like an insult, against this enormous and terrible hurt.
he lets his head duck, fingers fisted into silver. he had given him the only words of worth.
[He opens his mouth to say something, and then closes it again when he has no idea what to say. He doesn't want to say something he will regret later, and...
He feels like he is being crushed, can't breathe, the world is spinning and his thoughts, usually so ordered and precise, have scattered completely.
Taking a step backwards, he forces numb lips to move, voice quiet.]
I think I need... I have to think.
[Step away from Abel until he has his head together, until he knows what to say.]
[going to ask? didn't he want to know what happened--? did he just assume Abel went on to have a happy life with the Terrans...? he wonders what that says about how his brother really had seen him, after all.]
[The proof was right in front of him, wasn't it? The fondness that he had looked at his priest's trappings and the way he had behaved with Esther and spoke of Caterina. He had a happy life. Without Cain.]
[There are tears in his eyes that he is trying to blink away, feeling like the child he shouldn't be behaving as. Get a grip, Cain.]
I don't... believe it. [He doesn't want to believe it.] You just look so happy when you talk about home and Esther and Caterina.
[It sounds pathetic even to his ears, he should know better than anyone that outward appearance doesn't equal inner. He's just in a bit of shock at the moment.]
[a... ah; he doesn't deserve it, but he can't help himself -- compulsively reaching out and tucking the boy tightly into his chest, arms wrapped firmly around him and head ducked. his voice was a shaky and quiet waver as he forced words out in a rush.]
--I care about them, a... great deal, but-- the way I feel for them... is far... far from the happiness of having you.
[There are so many things about this that still don't make sense, but his throat is too constricted to ask most of them as he finds himself suddenly enveloped in Abel's arms.]
Why. Why didn't she know about me?
[Perhaps, perhaps, he could accept that Abel had lived on. But to have erased Cain so completely from his life, so his memory wasn't even spoken of to the people he'd come to care about a 'great deal'?]
You got one too?
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There's only one... way it makes sense.
[And even that doesn't make sense, can't make sense. If he was gone, how was Abel so happy? Was the bond really all on Cain's side?]
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Abel watches him a long beat... and then sits on the bed, slowly, seeming decidedly less than enthusiastic. resigned, even, as he pats the spot beside him in gesture for Cain to sit.]
...I've been thinking... a lot, since... everything that happened at Halloween.
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He stays where he is stood, just staring at Abel with a half plea in his eyes, voice calm still by some miracle of God.]
Please tell me the truth.
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'you fail to protect the things you love, and so...'
...no matter how hard he tries...]
If I do, then... I feel like I'm failing you all over again. And I can't lose you, Cain... I can't lose you... [not again...]
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...
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if he tells him...
...if he... tells him, then... would he hate him? maybe Abel would finally see the rage and disgust in the eyes of his brother as was sorely deserved for what he'd done. even as some masochistic part of him years for a long overdue judgment, he is -terrified- of it still.
be had-- wanted this to be his chance at making his twin happy... he had wanted so badly to protect and nurture him, to make him smile and be the brother he should've been the first time around and now he's already blown it, and--]
I'm sorry.
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How could he have died? How could he have been sundered from his brother like that? But, most of all, how had Abel survived it? It made him feel bitter and guilty at the same time; disgusted at himself for questioning why his brother was alive, and yet unable to stop himself feeling inherently cheated that he was.
Would Abel think he was such a saintly little boy if he knew those thoughts going through his head? How could he be so monstrous and egotistical as to expect Abel to have died just because he had, but... he would have died if Abel had, he just knows it.
He doesn't know what to say, can't absorb the enormity of having his whole world pulled so successfully and completely from underneath him, just shaking his head dumbly.]
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he lets his head duck, fingers fisted into silver. he had given him the only words of worth.
he's sorry...]
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He feels like he is being crushed, can't breathe, the world is spinning and his thoughts, usually so ordered and precise, have scattered completely.
Taking a step backwards, he forces numb lips to move, voice quiet.]
I think I need... I have to think.
[Step away from Abel until he has his head together, until he knows what to say.]
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[going to ask? didn't he want to know what happened--? did he just assume Abel went on to have a happy life with the Terrans...? he wonders what that says about how his brother really had seen him, after all.]
...
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You... you're happy without me?
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he looks up with stark shock in blue eyes... followed quickly by a sick feeling, before he vigorously shakes his head, desperation in his gaze.]
--Do you think I ever could-- be? [God, Cain...]
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[There are tears in his eyes that he is trying to blink away, feeling like the child he shouldn't be behaving as. Get a grip, Cain.]
I don't... believe it. [He doesn't want to believe it.] You just look so happy when you talk about home and Esther and Caterina.
[It sounds pathetic even to his ears, he should know better than anyone that outward appearance doesn't equal inner. He's just in a bit of shock at the moment.]
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--I care about them, a... great deal, but-- the way I feel for them... is far... far from the happiness of having you.
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Why. Why didn't she know about me?
[Perhaps, perhaps, he could accept that Abel had lived on. But to have erased Cain so completely from his life, so his memory wasn't even spoken of to the people he'd come to care about a 'great deal'?]
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