You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep [One-shot]
Title: You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: HyunJoong/KyuJong
Genre: Angst, fluff, humor
Summary: KyuJong has a stupid, stupid idea that he can’t help but test out one night when HyunJoong is fast asleep.
[A/N: So this is the first time I’ve written HyunKyu without a request from someone. But yeah, this plot bunny jumped into my brain and it refused to go, and HyunKyu seemed to suit it best. Anyway, I love the quote, even more because it’s from Dr.Seuss of all people. Fits the fic, because as silly as it seems, there are real consequences behind KyuJong’s actions. It just so happened that the muses wanted a fluffing ending… this time.]
~*~
“HyunJoong can sleep through anything.”
~*~
That was the thought that rang through KyuJong’s mind as he pushed the door to his shared room with HyunJoong open with probably what was the stupidest idea in the whole of mankind. Sticking his head in, his eyes slid over to HyunJoong’s side of the room and saw what he half-wanted, yet half-dreaded to see - HyunJoong sprawled across his bed, fall asleep.
Pulling his head back out, KyuJong glanced around, hoping no one had seen him like this - it certainly was suspicious to check your own room before entering - but luckily for him, no one seemed to be afoot… except him of course.
Closing the door behind him, KyuJong just stood there, leaning against it, his nervous breath heavy, like a convict hiding from the law. And it was only after a long, long time that KyuJong finally gathered the courage to step forward, one slow, cautious step at a time until he reached the foot of HyunJoong’s bed.
And then, he just stared.
He couldn’t help it. It was like trying to stop an insect from heading towards a bright light. Even with the unglamorous way HyunJoong lay, like a drunk uncle after one too many bottle, his legs wide open, shirt hitched up, mouth open like a yawning chasm and hair mused upwards like Einstein’s, KyuJong still thought he was the handsomeness, sexiest thing he’d ever seen.
KyuJong just didn’t have the guts to tell HyunJoong that in his face.
It was why he was currently stuck to sneaking peaks at HyunJoong whenever he could, staring at HyunJoong on stage as much as he thought he wouldn’t be called out for it, exchanging a year’s worth of chores in order the switch rooms with JungMin and to make him say that it was him who had wanted to switch, and now, staring at HyunJoong while he slept like a sick pervert.
KyuJong was pretty sure that he was also due for a permanent trip to the mental hospital if this kept up.
But what else could he do? He was far too shy, too fearful to risk a confession. And besides, what reason would HyunJoong have to accept him - a backward, awkward country bumpkin like him? Not when there were, already just in the vicinity, three other guys in the band, all much more handsome, confident and charismatic than him, let alone the industry… and hell, KyuJong wasn’t even sure if HyunJoong was really into guys or it was all really just sexual frustration.
Except… a comment from JungMin on a variety show one day had sparked KyuJong’s imagination. “HyunJoong can sleep through anything.” And it sparked off the wild longing in KyuJong’s heart, and combined with his frustration at being so close yet so far, it had whispered a question:
‘Would HyunJoong… sleep through a kiss?’
It had generated curiosity of course - curiosity to find out if it would really be through. But the stakes were high - maybe too high, for just curiosity to be satisfied.
But staring at HyunJoong like this - it wasn’t helping. And KyuJong found himself, inadvertedly, drawn nearer and nearer towards the bed. And the lack of response bolstered him, so much till he sat down on the bed, wincing when it gave a loud creak.
… Nothing.
Opening his eyes again, KyuJong thought his heart might explode at how close they were to each other. They had been that close during photoshoots and stage performances, and those rare chances KyuJong had always savoured when they accidentally brushed past each other - but all those times, KyuJong had always pushed his mind far, far away to control himself. Now, he had no such inhibition, marvelling at the details of HyunJoong’s skin - every bump and hair perfection in itself as the smooth parts. And those lips… they looked so plush… so soft.
He didn’t realize that his own were ghosting over the other’s, not until warmth blossomed across the sensitive skin, and his heart burst in joy of realization that he was kissing HyunJoong.
He froze there for the moment, blood suddenly running a racecourse in his veins as his heart palpitated far faster than was healthy. But even then, he never wanted this moment to end. And maybe freezing was his way of wishing it would stay like this.
A little longer… a little longer…
And then, HyunJoong twitched.
Courage snuffed out like a candle, KyuJong jumped backwards, feeling back to his bed like a snapped rubber band, and he quickly hid under the covers and waited for HyunJoong to come after him, asking what the heck he’d been doing.
~*~
A week passed, and he was still waiting. But HyunJoong never said a thing.
~*~
It finally came to KyuJong that HyunJoong wasn’t saying anything because he hadn’t seen a thing - he really had slept through the kiss. And that had given KyuJong something that felt akin to liquid courage.
Why he said it was akin was because he was standing in front of HyunJoong again, looking on as he slept, actually considering doing it again.
It was stupid, he knew, and it probably wasn’t going to do him any good in the long run - but for now, he just couldn’t resist.
Kneeling down in front of the bed, KyuJong cupped HyunJoong’s cheek gently, watching for any sign that HyunJoong would wake up. And when there was none, he leaned down, pressing his lips against HyunJoong’s.
He was bolder this time round, tongue flicking out to actually taste HyunJoong’s lips - tasting vanilla and honey and mint - all the smells that KyuJong thought HyunJoong smelt like. Tasting until his courage gave out and he retreated back to his bed, curling around his bolster and trying to relive that experience in his dreams. And KyuJong smiled, for even despite the adrenaline that had been coursing through his veins, KyuJong remembered that HyunJoong’s lips had been soft. Oh so soft.
~*~
More nights which KyuJong made sure he was alone with HyunJoong with nothing to interrupt. More nights of taking advantage of that fact and kissing HyunJoong with the knowledge that he wouldn’t wake up. Each night, he got a little more bold, tongue sneaking out a little bit more, lips roaming a bit more - until he lost his courage, and he crawled back into his own bed, whispering HyunJoong’s name.
It was enough, he thought, enough to keep him sated.
That was, until they got drunk one night, drinking in celebration of the success of their latest comeback, and KyuJong, by HyungJoon, who was currently trying not to get pulverized by a drunk flailing JungMin, to get HyunJoong back to their room without him passing out or vomiting along the way.
It was surprising, that HyunJoong had gotten drunk, since his tolerance was usually extremely high - but then again, their manager was going to scold them for the amount they’d drank - and the empty bottles that pretty much covered the entire floor of their living room. The only reason the people who were still sober, were sober, because they’d quietly refrained from drinking.
KyuJong finally got HyunJoong onto the bed with much effort and grunting. And pausing just above HyunJoong for a bit to catch his breath, he couldn’t help but admire HyunJoong’s sleeping face, even red with the drunken stupor of too much soju drank. Unable to help himself, he leaned forward, pressing his lips softly against HyunJoong’s as he’d been doing all this while.
He hadn’t expected HyunJoong to kiss back.
For a moment, everything was perfect. The softness of their lips against the hardness of their kiss, the chance of an opening, slipping in, and then the mating of tongues. The burst of indescribable feelings in his heart, pulsing, like a heady concoction of alcohol in his veins.
Alcohol.
That brought KyuJong back to reality. And he pulled away hastily, almost choking at the sudden lack of contact. And he stared down at HyunJoong, at his serenity - as if nothing had happened at all.
Suddenly feeling sick, KyuJong ran out of the room and into the nearest bathroom, puking up whatever he’d eaten in the celebration dinner earlier. It burned a bitter path through his gullet, mixing with the tears that he swallowed and together, they left an acrid taste of a fantasy shattered in his mouth - one he was unable to get rid of even after his stomach heaved its last, and the tears had finally stopped flowing. Even as he crawled, despondent, back to bed, refusing to even glance in HyunJoong’s direction, as he curled up into the sheets like they could be a cocoon that would shield him from the reality, retreating into his dreams where he could openly whisper the name of the person he loved.
~*~
KyuJong refrains from ever kissing HyunJoong in his sleep again, knowing that it’d only lead to more heartbreak.
He threw himself into work, trying to distract himself, and in hopes that he could use it as a convenient excuse to get out of interacting with HyunJoong too much if he ever needed to. When his band members called him on it, his only response was to say that their previous success had pumped him up, dodging any declarations of worry, and working a little quieter the next time.
He tried not to let the fact that HyunJoong wasn’t one of those members get to him.
But it didn’t seem to be working. For in his dreams, his feelings seemed to haunt him with a vengence. And more than once, he dreamt that HyunJoong was kissing him - doing the exact same thing that he’d done in real life. The kisses were always short, and sweet, and they always ended with HyunJoong smiling at him saying a sentence that he knew he’d never hear in real life before he pulled back, disappearing from KyuJong’s line of sight.
That was always when KyuJong woke up, breathing heavily as if he’d really been kissed, the feeling of soft lips against his own still lingering - as if it had really happened - and a painful problem in his pants.
He always held on to that dream, even as he stumbled into the bathroom, locking the door with clumsy fingers, fingers, numbed as they were, were lousy substitutes for the one he imagined being around him as he tried to ease the gnawing ache inside him.
~*~
It had been a long day. A long hard day, filled with only disappointment and criticism. And KyuJong stumbled back to the dorm, his hands barely having the strength to turn the key in its lock and open the door. The dorm was dark - but of course it was. Everyone had something on today, he remembered. No one would be home.
That was good, then they didn’t need to see him like this. They didn’t need to be bogged down by KyuJong. Useless KyuJong.
He crept through the darkness into his room, not feeling up to getting into any sort of light - the spotlight was bright enough - illuminating, but stripping away any layers of privacy that he could have, and without the proper armor, it was painful - painful like it was now. He had enough of that. More than enough.
So occupied he was in his thoughts that didn’t realize that the light in his room was on, not until he opened the door, and winced as the light assaulted his eyes.
When he finally could open his eyes again, his breath caught as they settled on an unexpected sight - HyunJoong lying down on the bed, serene and untouched - like that night, so many nights ago.
That night when KyuJong first had that crazy idea to kiss HyunJoong in his sleep.
It was like an irresistible temptation - and KyuJong, in his despondent state, found himself carried forward by legs that seemed not like his own. Walking, climbing onto the bed so that HyunJoong lay before him, entirely at his mercy. So quiet and guileless in slumber… that any semblance of self-control KyuJong had cracked, and he caved, leaning down and pressing his lips against HyunJoong’s in desperation.
Soft… so soft. And so innocent. Just like that first time. Only, something was different.
Him.
He was different - he was no longer that same innocent man who had just wanted to get a taste of forbidden fruit. He’d fallen headlong into lust, taking advantage of another man - one that he had the audacity to say that he loved. And he wasn’t anything deserving - not cute, not sexy, not charming, not anything.
Just a sick, perverted, dirty man.
He hated himself.
The tears fell from his eyes before he could stop them, and he pulled away from the kiss, shaking. The hand pressed against his eyes willed the tears to stop, but they didn’t, falling like broken dam. His breath was heavy, and he choked on the sobs that rose, deep from his broken heart.
It hurt.
“…KyuJong? KyuJong, are you crying?”
The call of his name left him gasping in surprise, and his eyes widened when he pulled his hand away, only to see worried brown eyes staring at him. Eyes that were open.
HyunJoong was awake.
He tried to scramble off HyunJoong as fast as he could. But that wasn’t easy to do in normal circumstances - let alone in a panic, and it was no surprise when he fell. It was a surprise, however, when strong arms wrapped around him, pulling him up before he could crack his head open on the ground. And the warmth that he was encircled in was the biggest surprise of all, pressed against HyunJoong’s chest like in a dream, the comfort offered almost dizzying.
“What’s wrong? Did something happen? Bad day?” HyunJoong asked softly, running strong fingers through KyuJong’s hair. The gesture was meant to calm, but it only sickened KyuJong further. He didn’t deserve such kindness.
But he didn’t have the strength to pull away, and he could only cry -cry even harder into HyunJoong’s arms, even as the agonizing ball of self-hate grew only larger.
And HyunJoong didn’t say anything. Not because of anything else but the fact that he was HyunJoong.
Nothing was said for a long time, but KyuJong isn’t calming down like he’s supposed to. And finally, he blurted out the words he could only say in such a situation. “Sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry?” HyunJoong seemed surprised, and KyuJong tried not to whine at the lost of heat when HyunJoong pulled away. He looked up, only to regret it when his eyes met HyunJoong’s, quickly looking down in shame. “KyuJong? Why are you sorry?”
He doesn’t know how to answer. And honestly, he wished that a hole would open up from the bed and swallow him up - if it could, at the same time, remove HyunJoong’s strong grip on his shoulders and not pull HyunJoong down with him as well. There was an even longer silence now, one that KyuJong had no idea how to fill.
He was this close to breaking down again when HyunJoong suddenly sighed. “Is this… is this about you kissing me whenever you thought I was asleep?”
The surprise of the question made KyuJong’s tongue lose, and he jerked up, alarmed. “H-how did you know?!” Then, a pause, as the full meaning of the sentence sunk in, and he stared at HyunJoong, who was looking warily at him. “Wait, when I thought you were asleep? You mean… you…”
To his utmost surprise, HyunJoong cleared his throat, looking slightly uncomfortable, like a child with his hand caught in the cookie jar. “Uhm… you honestly thought I could sleep through something like that? And it wasn’t only once either…”
KyuJong was mortified. “You mean you were awake…? All… those times?”
“Well, the first time, I thought it was a dream. But then it happened again… and again… And…” HyunJoong paused, before becoming slightly panicky at the way KyuJong’s eyes were beginning to water. “Yah! Hey, don’t cry.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” KyuJong wailed. “Oh God, I feel like such an idiot.”
“Uhm… Uhm… I…” HyunJoong’s arms flailed, trying to calm KyuJong down, and finally he pulled KyuJong into his arms again, the noise the other man was making choking to an abrupt stop in surprise, like a brake slammed down. “Look… I’m sorry. I just… How does someone tell someone else something like that?”
KyuJong realized that HyunJoong was right - how would HyunJoong have brought it up with KyuJong? ‘Hey, uhm… I know you’ve been kissing me while you thought I was asleep. I wasn’t. Can we talk about this?’? Obviously not. And KyuJong was about to tear himself away, apologize profusely and then go kill himself in a suitably painful fashion when HyunJoong continued.
“And uh… honestly, I was scared that if I said something… you might… uh… you know… stop.”
That made KyuJong paused, and he pushed himself up, staring at HyunJoong, wondering if his ears had deceived him. “W-what?”
HyunJoong was being uncharacteristically embarrassed. And he scratched his head, unable to look at KyuJong. “Well… I figured that if I brought it up with you, you’d probably be scared away. I mean, there would be a reason for you kissing me while you thought I was asleep and not… just doing it, you know? And I didn’t want to risk that… so I kept quiet… I’m sorry, I guess I was being selfish.”
KyuJong gaped at HyunJoong’s words. “T-then…”
“And then you stopped. And I don’t know… I didn’t know why. So I asked JungMin and he said that you were probably teasing me and so I should tease back, and… I don’t know why I listened to him. God, I feel stupid.”
“Wait… tease back?” Something clicked in KyuJong’s mind. “You mean… those dreams of you kissing me… they weren’t dreams?”
“Dreams?” Now it was HyunJoong’s turn to look indignant. “You mean… you slept through it?” KyuJong had the grace to look suitably embarrassed when HyunJoong’s accusation hit home. “You did, didn’t you? Man, and JungMin says I’m the one who can sleep through anything.”
“But… why?” At KyuJong’s question, HyunJoong looked surprised, reaching to cup KyuJong’s face. “Isn’t it obvious? I love you, of course.”
KyuJong was unprepared for the surge of happiness that welled up in his heart at the sound of those words - and it’s even than more wonderful the feeling when he’d first kissed HyunJoong, thinking the other would stay fast asleep, that faithful night which KyuJong had acted on what he’d thought was a stupid idea. Not so stupid now.
“We’ve both been a little silly, haven’t we?” KyuJong couldn’t help but comment, and his question was met with a slightly lop-sided grin.
“Yeah… we have.” HyunJoong agreed, hand rubbing away the last of the drying tears on KyuJong’s face. “Let’s do this properly then.”
And he leaned over, pressing his lips against KyuJong’s, and bridging that last gap between KyuJong’s fantasy and the reality of it all.
~*~
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: HyunJoong/KyuJong
Genre: Angst, fluff, humor
Summary: KyuJong has a stupid, stupid idea that he can’t help but test out one night when HyunJoong is fast asleep.
[A/N: So this is the first time I’ve written HyunKyu without a request from someone. But yeah, this plot bunny jumped into my brain and it refused to go, and HyunKyu seemed to suit it best. Anyway, I love the quote, even more because it’s from Dr.Seuss of all people. Fits the fic, because as silly as it seems, there are real consequences behind KyuJong’s actions. It just so happened that the muses wanted a fluffing ending… this time.]
~*~
“HyunJoong can sleep through anything.”
~*~
That was the thought that rang through KyuJong’s mind as he pushed the door to his shared room with HyunJoong open with probably what was the stupidest idea in the whole of mankind. Sticking his head in, his eyes slid over to HyunJoong’s side of the room and saw what he half-wanted, yet half-dreaded to see - HyunJoong sprawled across his bed, fall asleep.
Pulling his head back out, KyuJong glanced around, hoping no one had seen him like this - it certainly was suspicious to check your own room before entering - but luckily for him, no one seemed to be afoot… except him of course.
Closing the door behind him, KyuJong just stood there, leaning against it, his nervous breath heavy, like a convict hiding from the law. And it was only after a long, long time that KyuJong finally gathered the courage to step forward, one slow, cautious step at a time until he reached the foot of HyunJoong’s bed.
And then, he just stared.
He couldn’t help it. It was like trying to stop an insect from heading towards a bright light. Even with the unglamorous way HyunJoong lay, like a drunk uncle after one too many bottle, his legs wide open, shirt hitched up, mouth open like a yawning chasm and hair mused upwards like Einstein’s, KyuJong still thought he was the handsomeness, sexiest thing he’d ever seen.
KyuJong just didn’t have the guts to tell HyunJoong that in his face.
It was why he was currently stuck to sneaking peaks at HyunJoong whenever he could, staring at HyunJoong on stage as much as he thought he wouldn’t be called out for it, exchanging a year’s worth of chores in order the switch rooms with JungMin and to make him say that it was him who had wanted to switch, and now, staring at HyunJoong while he slept like a sick pervert.
KyuJong was pretty sure that he was also due for a permanent trip to the mental hospital if this kept up.
But what else could he do? He was far too shy, too fearful to risk a confession. And besides, what reason would HyunJoong have to accept him - a backward, awkward country bumpkin like him? Not when there were, already just in the vicinity, three other guys in the band, all much more handsome, confident and charismatic than him, let alone the industry… and hell, KyuJong wasn’t even sure if HyunJoong was really into guys or it was all really just sexual frustration.
Except… a comment from JungMin on a variety show one day had sparked KyuJong’s imagination. “HyunJoong can sleep through anything.” And it sparked off the wild longing in KyuJong’s heart, and combined with his frustration at being so close yet so far, it had whispered a question:
‘Would HyunJoong… sleep through a kiss?’
It had generated curiosity of course - curiosity to find out if it would really be through. But the stakes were high - maybe too high, for just curiosity to be satisfied.
But staring at HyunJoong like this - it wasn’t helping. And KyuJong found himself, inadvertedly, drawn nearer and nearer towards the bed. And the lack of response bolstered him, so much till he sat down on the bed, wincing when it gave a loud creak.
… Nothing.
Opening his eyes again, KyuJong thought his heart might explode at how close they were to each other. They had been that close during photoshoots and stage performances, and those rare chances KyuJong had always savoured when they accidentally brushed past each other - but all those times, KyuJong had always pushed his mind far, far away to control himself. Now, he had no such inhibition, marvelling at the details of HyunJoong’s skin - every bump and hair perfection in itself as the smooth parts. And those lips… they looked so plush… so soft.
He didn’t realize that his own were ghosting over the other’s, not until warmth blossomed across the sensitive skin, and his heart burst in joy of realization that he was kissing HyunJoong.
He froze there for the moment, blood suddenly running a racecourse in his veins as his heart palpitated far faster than was healthy. But even then, he never wanted this moment to end. And maybe freezing was his way of wishing it would stay like this.
A little longer… a little longer…
And then, HyunJoong twitched.
Courage snuffed out like a candle, KyuJong jumped backwards, feeling back to his bed like a snapped rubber band, and he quickly hid under the covers and waited for HyunJoong to come after him, asking what the heck he’d been doing.
~*~
A week passed, and he was still waiting. But HyunJoong never said a thing.
~*~
It finally came to KyuJong that HyunJoong wasn’t saying anything because he hadn’t seen a thing - he really had slept through the kiss. And that had given KyuJong something that felt akin to liquid courage.
Why he said it was akin was because he was standing in front of HyunJoong again, looking on as he slept, actually considering doing it again.
It was stupid, he knew, and it probably wasn’t going to do him any good in the long run - but for now, he just couldn’t resist.
Kneeling down in front of the bed, KyuJong cupped HyunJoong’s cheek gently, watching for any sign that HyunJoong would wake up. And when there was none, he leaned down, pressing his lips against HyunJoong’s.
He was bolder this time round, tongue flicking out to actually taste HyunJoong’s lips - tasting vanilla and honey and mint - all the smells that KyuJong thought HyunJoong smelt like. Tasting until his courage gave out and he retreated back to his bed, curling around his bolster and trying to relive that experience in his dreams. And KyuJong smiled, for even despite the adrenaline that had been coursing through his veins, KyuJong remembered that HyunJoong’s lips had been soft. Oh so soft.
~*~
More nights which KyuJong made sure he was alone with HyunJoong with nothing to interrupt. More nights of taking advantage of that fact and kissing HyunJoong with the knowledge that he wouldn’t wake up. Each night, he got a little more bold, tongue sneaking out a little bit more, lips roaming a bit more - until he lost his courage, and he crawled back into his own bed, whispering HyunJoong’s name.
It was enough, he thought, enough to keep him sated.
That was, until they got drunk one night, drinking in celebration of the success of their latest comeback, and KyuJong, by HyungJoon, who was currently trying not to get pulverized by a drunk flailing JungMin, to get HyunJoong back to their room without him passing out or vomiting along the way.
It was surprising, that HyunJoong had gotten drunk, since his tolerance was usually extremely high - but then again, their manager was going to scold them for the amount they’d drank - and the empty bottles that pretty much covered the entire floor of their living room. The only reason the people who were still sober, were sober, because they’d quietly refrained from drinking.
KyuJong finally got HyunJoong onto the bed with much effort and grunting. And pausing just above HyunJoong for a bit to catch his breath, he couldn’t help but admire HyunJoong’s sleeping face, even red with the drunken stupor of too much soju drank. Unable to help himself, he leaned forward, pressing his lips softly against HyunJoong’s as he’d been doing all this while.
He hadn’t expected HyunJoong to kiss back.
For a moment, everything was perfect. The softness of their lips against the hardness of their kiss, the chance of an opening, slipping in, and then the mating of tongues. The burst of indescribable feelings in his heart, pulsing, like a heady concoction of alcohol in his veins.
Alcohol.
That brought KyuJong back to reality. And he pulled away hastily, almost choking at the sudden lack of contact. And he stared down at HyunJoong, at his serenity - as if nothing had happened at all.
Suddenly feeling sick, KyuJong ran out of the room and into the nearest bathroom, puking up whatever he’d eaten in the celebration dinner earlier. It burned a bitter path through his gullet, mixing with the tears that he swallowed and together, they left an acrid taste of a fantasy shattered in his mouth - one he was unable to get rid of even after his stomach heaved its last, and the tears had finally stopped flowing. Even as he crawled, despondent, back to bed, refusing to even glance in HyunJoong’s direction, as he curled up into the sheets like they could be a cocoon that would shield him from the reality, retreating into his dreams where he could openly whisper the name of the person he loved.
~*~
KyuJong refrains from ever kissing HyunJoong in his sleep again, knowing that it’d only lead to more heartbreak.
He threw himself into work, trying to distract himself, and in hopes that he could use it as a convenient excuse to get out of interacting with HyunJoong too much if he ever needed to. When his band members called him on it, his only response was to say that their previous success had pumped him up, dodging any declarations of worry, and working a little quieter the next time.
He tried not to let the fact that HyunJoong wasn’t one of those members get to him.
But it didn’t seem to be working. For in his dreams, his feelings seemed to haunt him with a vengence. And more than once, he dreamt that HyunJoong was kissing him - doing the exact same thing that he’d done in real life. The kisses were always short, and sweet, and they always ended with HyunJoong smiling at him saying a sentence that he knew he’d never hear in real life before he pulled back, disappearing from KyuJong’s line of sight.
That was always when KyuJong woke up, breathing heavily as if he’d really been kissed, the feeling of soft lips against his own still lingering - as if it had really happened - and a painful problem in his pants.
He always held on to that dream, even as he stumbled into the bathroom, locking the door with clumsy fingers, fingers, numbed as they were, were lousy substitutes for the one he imagined being around him as he tried to ease the gnawing ache inside him.
~*~
It had been a long day. A long hard day, filled with only disappointment and criticism. And KyuJong stumbled back to the dorm, his hands barely having the strength to turn the key in its lock and open the door. The dorm was dark - but of course it was. Everyone had something on today, he remembered. No one would be home.
That was good, then they didn’t need to see him like this. They didn’t need to be bogged down by KyuJong. Useless KyuJong.
He crept through the darkness into his room, not feeling up to getting into any sort of light - the spotlight was bright enough - illuminating, but stripping away any layers of privacy that he could have, and without the proper armor, it was painful - painful like it was now. He had enough of that. More than enough.
So occupied he was in his thoughts that didn’t realize that the light in his room was on, not until he opened the door, and winced as the light assaulted his eyes.
When he finally could open his eyes again, his breath caught as they settled on an unexpected sight - HyunJoong lying down on the bed, serene and untouched - like that night, so many nights ago.
That night when KyuJong first had that crazy idea to kiss HyunJoong in his sleep.
It was like an irresistible temptation - and KyuJong, in his despondent state, found himself carried forward by legs that seemed not like his own. Walking, climbing onto the bed so that HyunJoong lay before him, entirely at his mercy. So quiet and guileless in slumber… that any semblance of self-control KyuJong had cracked, and he caved, leaning down and pressing his lips against HyunJoong’s in desperation.
Soft… so soft. And so innocent. Just like that first time. Only, something was different.
Him.
He was different - he was no longer that same innocent man who had just wanted to get a taste of forbidden fruit. He’d fallen headlong into lust, taking advantage of another man - one that he had the audacity to say that he loved. And he wasn’t anything deserving - not cute, not sexy, not charming, not anything.
Just a sick, perverted, dirty man.
He hated himself.
The tears fell from his eyes before he could stop them, and he pulled away from the kiss, shaking. The hand pressed against his eyes willed the tears to stop, but they didn’t, falling like broken dam. His breath was heavy, and he choked on the sobs that rose, deep from his broken heart.
It hurt.
“…KyuJong? KyuJong, are you crying?”
The call of his name left him gasping in surprise, and his eyes widened when he pulled his hand away, only to see worried brown eyes staring at him. Eyes that were open.
HyunJoong was awake.
He tried to scramble off HyunJoong as fast as he could. But that wasn’t easy to do in normal circumstances - let alone in a panic, and it was no surprise when he fell. It was a surprise, however, when strong arms wrapped around him, pulling him up before he could crack his head open on the ground. And the warmth that he was encircled in was the biggest surprise of all, pressed against HyunJoong’s chest like in a dream, the comfort offered almost dizzying.
“What’s wrong? Did something happen? Bad day?” HyunJoong asked softly, running strong fingers through KyuJong’s hair. The gesture was meant to calm, but it only sickened KyuJong further. He didn’t deserve such kindness.
But he didn’t have the strength to pull away, and he could only cry -cry even harder into HyunJoong’s arms, even as the agonizing ball of self-hate grew only larger.
And HyunJoong didn’t say anything. Not because of anything else but the fact that he was HyunJoong.
Nothing was said for a long time, but KyuJong isn’t calming down like he’s supposed to. And finally, he blurted out the words he could only say in such a situation. “Sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry?” HyunJoong seemed surprised, and KyuJong tried not to whine at the lost of heat when HyunJoong pulled away. He looked up, only to regret it when his eyes met HyunJoong’s, quickly looking down in shame. “KyuJong? Why are you sorry?”
He doesn’t know how to answer. And honestly, he wished that a hole would open up from the bed and swallow him up - if it could, at the same time, remove HyunJoong’s strong grip on his shoulders and not pull HyunJoong down with him as well. There was an even longer silence now, one that KyuJong had no idea how to fill.
He was this close to breaking down again when HyunJoong suddenly sighed. “Is this… is this about you kissing me whenever you thought I was asleep?”
The surprise of the question made KyuJong’s tongue lose, and he jerked up, alarmed. “H-how did you know?!” Then, a pause, as the full meaning of the sentence sunk in, and he stared at HyunJoong, who was looking warily at him. “Wait, when I thought you were asleep? You mean… you…”
To his utmost surprise, HyunJoong cleared his throat, looking slightly uncomfortable, like a child with his hand caught in the cookie jar. “Uhm… you honestly thought I could sleep through something like that? And it wasn’t only once either…”
KyuJong was mortified. “You mean you were awake…? All… those times?”
“Well, the first time, I thought it was a dream. But then it happened again… and again… And…” HyunJoong paused, before becoming slightly panicky at the way KyuJong’s eyes were beginning to water. “Yah! Hey, don’t cry.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” KyuJong wailed. “Oh God, I feel like such an idiot.”
“Uhm… Uhm… I…” HyunJoong’s arms flailed, trying to calm KyuJong down, and finally he pulled KyuJong into his arms again, the noise the other man was making choking to an abrupt stop in surprise, like a brake slammed down. “Look… I’m sorry. I just… How does someone tell someone else something like that?”
KyuJong realized that HyunJoong was right - how would HyunJoong have brought it up with KyuJong? ‘Hey, uhm… I know you’ve been kissing me while you thought I was asleep. I wasn’t. Can we talk about this?’? Obviously not. And KyuJong was about to tear himself away, apologize profusely and then go kill himself in a suitably painful fashion when HyunJoong continued.
“And uh… honestly, I was scared that if I said something… you might… uh… you know… stop.”
That made KyuJong paused, and he pushed himself up, staring at HyunJoong, wondering if his ears had deceived him. “W-what?”
HyunJoong was being uncharacteristically embarrassed. And he scratched his head, unable to look at KyuJong. “Well… I figured that if I brought it up with you, you’d probably be scared away. I mean, there would be a reason for you kissing me while you thought I was asleep and not… just doing it, you know? And I didn’t want to risk that… so I kept quiet… I’m sorry, I guess I was being selfish.”
KyuJong gaped at HyunJoong’s words. “T-then…”
“And then you stopped. And I don’t know… I didn’t know why. So I asked JungMin and he said that you were probably teasing me and so I should tease back, and… I don’t know why I listened to him. God, I feel stupid.”
“Wait… tease back?” Something clicked in KyuJong’s mind. “You mean… those dreams of you kissing me… they weren’t dreams?”
“Dreams?” Now it was HyunJoong’s turn to look indignant. “You mean… you slept through it?” KyuJong had the grace to look suitably embarrassed when HyunJoong’s accusation hit home. “You did, didn’t you? Man, and JungMin says I’m the one who can sleep through anything.”
“But… why?” At KyuJong’s question, HyunJoong looked surprised, reaching to cup KyuJong’s face. “Isn’t it obvious? I love you, of course.”
KyuJong was unprepared for the surge of happiness that welled up in his heart at the sound of those words - and it’s even than more wonderful the feeling when he’d first kissed HyunJoong, thinking the other would stay fast asleep, that faithful night which KyuJong had acted on what he’d thought was a stupid idea. Not so stupid now.
“We’ve both been a little silly, haven’t we?” KyuJong couldn’t help but comment, and his question was met with a slightly lop-sided grin.
“Yeah… we have.” HyunJoong agreed, hand rubbing away the last of the drying tears on KyuJong’s face. “Let’s do this properly then.”
And he leaned over, pressing his lips against KyuJong’s, and bridging that last gap between KyuJong’s fantasy and the reality of it all.
~*~