Hakkai and Goku Kiss

[cupnjava]

Sometimes we need to do a comparison to show ourselves how much we’ve grown. The first section is the corrected version of the scene. The second section is the original version. The first version is better, but I may have lost some of the hotness that the original had. Then again, I’m getting kind of jaded to sex scenes and I’m having a hard time

Comments

[cupnjava]

I like that line too. I'm trying to figure out how to keep that Hakkai POV line. I tried to work with the concept of innocence earlier, but it got muddled in his denial with the pills. Of course, that does mean I can use later in the fic. Hmm...

[cupnjava]

I think that's an example of over-working something to the point of losing the intent. Hmm... sometimes simplicity is much more powerful.

[nemkess]

I love the new version, but I liked the original too. ^_^

[cupnjava]

I'm glad you liked it. The 8/9/8 crowd doesn't get enough love!

[2metaldog]

I like the fuller version for the descriptiveness of the kiss better. But some of the brevity of the original was good to. I agree with kispexi2 about the sinister/predatory feel to Hakkai in the revised edition. I also really liked this bit from the original:

Hakkai hummed in agreement and pointed his tongue. He drew a wet glistening line down Goku’s throat.

But I like licking so....

[cupnjava]

Hmm...yeah the description of the licking is more abstract in the fuller version and that does take away a little bit of the hotness.

Since that section is Goku POV, can I get away with the second sentence. That's why I'm changed it. I like that line better in the org verison, but I wasn't sure if it was a POV slip or not.

[tirwolf]

Hmm, like the newer version better. It seems softer, more flowing. The older one seems a bit more..choppy.

Have seen the numbering ex: 8/9/8 or other numbers used by authors. What does it mean?

[cupnjava]

The older one is more choppy.

The numbers.

There are sections of the guys' names that correspond to numbers. I'm not really sure which parts, but here's the code.

Sanzo=3
Gojyo=5
Hakkai=8
Goku=9

And a few others have numbers too.

Kanan is usually listed as 8 also so a Gonou and Kanan story would be 8/8
Yaone is 800
and
It's either Kou or Homura that's usually 13.

You'll see the code written a few different ways one of different is an X or a /. Usually / just means together without telling you which is seme the X usually means the numbers are written seme then uke, but that part isn't always followed.

So if someone's fav pairing is 5X8 (sometimes 5/8) they like Gojyo and Hakkai together with Gojyo on top. I try to write my pairings like this 5/8/5 to indicate that I like my boys to switch. XD

Does that help?

[tirwolf]

Yeah, it does. Where did it come from? I remember mami_san doing a ficlet thing where she gave numbers to particular characters but I think that was just for her own system for that particular instance.

Was drawn in w/ the way you re-wrote the scene. Didn't realize it until it was done. Your writing HAS matured. Wow.

[cupnjava]

For the Saiyuki boys there's a part of their name a syllable that's pronounced the say way the number is pronounced. With Sanzo I'm not sure if it's the "san" or the "zo" part. The same with the others. At one time I could tell you, but I've forgotten.

Thank you for the compliment. I know I still have some growing to do, but I'm glad the maturity of my skills can be seen. With writing you don't really get an evaluation of sorts. No tests or scores or anything so the only way I can figure out how to mark my progress is to do things like this.

It's nice to be on LJ and to have the flist I have because you guys give me feedback and I can learn what works and what doesn't. I really appreciate it.

[djjq]

the newer one is much fuller, and flows better. you have improved much young grasshopper.

[cupnjava]

Ah, thank you, dear. I'm trying. :D