Guys, It's Rated PG-13 (Arthur/Eames, PG-13) Part 1/2
Title: Guys, It's Rated PG-13
Pairing(s): Arthur/Eames, Robert/Ariadne, Cobb/Mal (sneak Arthur/Merlin from Merlin! Hehehe)
Rating: Pg-13 to light R?
Word Count: 12,134
Summary: Arthur and Ariadne are actors trying to trick the public into believing that they are a couple for their newest romantic comedy film, Hoagies and Pie. Eames is the actor who’s playing the Ariadne’s jealous boyfriend in the film. But when he acts jealous in public and interrupts Arthur and Ariadne’s attempts, is it really an act? And if real, who is he really jealous of?
Art Prompt Title: Untitled
Art link: Art Master Post
Artist: adelaide_rain;
Notes: When I first decided to do inception reversebang, I vowed that my story would not turn out like my big bang fic. In other words, I didn't want to feel rushed near the end and nearly kill myself with lack of sleep and squeezing out ideas. I think I succeeded, sort of! Anyways, this spot is really for me to thank adelaide_rain; for her lovely artwork, which inspired me to write this fic. She's an amazing artist to write for, and working with her is very lovely~ Thanks also to my beta gelbwax; who took up a 10,000+ fic and betaed it twice within two days! And to my bff, who also helped read through my story, and who has a very developed sense of humor :) <3 to you all, and phew! It's over!
-------
“Jesus fuck, Dom went over our heads again,” Ariadne gripes, shoving a newspaper in Arthur’s face.
“Wait, what?”
“Look for yourself!” Ariadne tears open the pages to the Entertainment section, pointing to an article.
-------
MOVIE TO STAR CHARLES EAMES, ARTHUR BLACK, and ARIADNE SUMMERS IN A LOVE TRIANGLE
Yusuf Khalid
Staff Reporter
At a press conference on March 24, Dominic Cobb of Cobb Studios announced that his most recent project, Hoagies and Pie, has found an actor to play opposite to both Arthur Black and Ariadne Summers: Charles Eames. This announcement came after weeks of media speculation of the chances that Cobb would be able to find a strong enough actor to hold his own against Black and Summers. Both honored film stars, any actor unable to act to their caliber would have immediately made Hoagies and Pie a massive flop in both the box offices and the film awards.
Eames is a new introduction to American viewers, but to a British audience, he is considered one of the most marketable and lauded actors ever. Known for his roles in Footprints in the Snow, Stuck in a Hole, Yo-ho-ho and a Bottle of Rum, and several other notable films, Eames is a strong edition to the cast of Hoagies and Pie.
Hoagies and Pie will be shown in theaters in mid-May.
-----
“I mean, it’s not like I hate Eames,” Ariadne rages, throwing her hands up. “But Dom could’ve told us, you know?”
“Stuck in a Hole?” Arthur reads incredulously. “What is that, a porno?”
“A rom-com,” Ariadne corrects. “But Yo-ho-ho has got some, uh, sex scenes.”
“Aaand that’s the only reason why you watched it,” Arthur dead-pans. Ariadne flushes.
“What?” She says, voice pitching higher. “Like you didn’t just watch As the World Turns to see the Luke-Noah and Luke-Reid!” This time
Arthur flushes, but it’s less noticeable than the cherry red that Ariadne sports.
“It was a monumental series,” Arthur says, straightening. “And for that matter-“
“But oh my God,” Ariadne ignores him, twirling around in spot, arms in the air. “We’re gonna work with Eames!”
“Is that a good thing?” Arthur asks, dodging her flailing arms. “Who’s Eames, anyways?”
“Of course it is. I mean, I’m mad that I didn’t at least get to chose the person who’s going to be touching my lady parts, like, a gazillion times, but - wait, you don’t know who Eames is?” Ariadne asks, stopping to stare at him.
“Am I supposed to?” Ariadne gapes at him. Then hits him hard in the shoulder.
“Ow!” Good God, Ariadne could knock out a hippo with that strength. Arthur’s entire arm is throbbing.
“What kind of gay actor are you?” Ariadne shouts. Then, in true actor’s passion, she turns and stalks out of the dressing room, muttering furiously about how sad it was that an actor didn’t know about other “prominent, hot, single actors in the same field.”
“I need someone to spoon feed me later!” Arthur yells after her.
“Buy a new arm!”
-------
Caught up in work, relationships, and that creepy new guy down in makeup who always stares at Arthur for ten minutes (“to gather information about your facial dimensions”) before doing anything, Arthur doesn’t get time to look up Eames at all.
It’s a mistake, and the consequences of that mistake face him the day filming for Hoagies and Pie begins.
“Why hello, lovely,” a thick-lipped, leering British man says to him. “Why so serious?” Arthur, just exiting Costa Coffee and in a hurry to get to work, stared at the British man hitting on him with a quote from the most horribly made movie of all time?
“Excuse me?” He asks. “I beg your pardon.” There are people staring, and Arthur knows they’re blocking the Costa Coffee entrance.
“You can do more than that,” the man says, leaning in close enough that their thighs were touching. “Begging, I mean,” he adds, as if it needed any clarification at all.
“Uh,” Arthur says. “No.” And that’s how the man - Charles “Call me Eames” Eames, Arthur later finds out - arrives to his first day of work covered with coffee, a fuming Arthur watching him approach the set incredulously, having just run away like the wind from a “creepy pervert.”
------
It had been two weeks since he met Eames, since that unfortunate, unfortunate incident with too much touching and too much screaming. Of course, Arthur had walked away from the scene feeling vindicated, but watching the same man he had thrown coffee on stroll into work a day later fine and dandy wearing a paisley suit destroyed that happy vindication.
And the following days had sadly destroyed Arthur’s misconception that Eames was a piss poor actor.
(Online blogs hadn’t helped with that. Arthur researched on Eames the night of their first day working together. The headlines were not reassuring.
Dickless Dom casts Egads - why him? - Eames. Remains Douche While Doing So
Eames and why we think he needs a paper bag
And other variations)
Their first scene between Arthur’s meeting with Ariadne and his first date with her - the first scene with only Arthur and Eames - blows Arthur away in a way that he doesn’t appreciate at all. Arthur’s used to being at the top of his game. He’s got a couple awards to his belt, and he never bothered to check that Eames had the same before that first scene.
But after that scene - after Arthur knew what Eames could do with a page of script and twenty minutes to fill - Arthur conceded that Eames was not a “piss poor” actor, but just a below average one.
Especially since he didn’t act at all like a respectable actor. He’s heard from Ariadne that Eames can do works of God on screen in Britain, but Arthur doesn’t believe her. Eames is just passable. Cobb Studios has rules, and Arthur has rules. They’re not hard rules, but they’re rules the people that Arthur respects and likes to work with follow.
Cobb Studios was a widely respected studio, in part because of the strong storylines they chose to create into film, and in part because of the charisma and intelligence of Dominic Cobb and Mallorie Fallon. Arthur had been working with them for more than five years, practically beginning his acting career with them, after he had met Mal at his university by chance.
Their expectations of their actors were simple:
1) Get to the set on time, and leave when we tell you to. Ask before you take off, and make sure to give a day’s advance if you can’t come in one day.
2) Do not antagonize other actors. You’ve all heard of the infamous Saito-Fischer fiasco in the tabloids. Don’t let them become you.
3) Good publicity is good. Bad publicity is bad. Know the difference. Good = people smiling at you, people opening doors for you, girls offering you their love in a non-carnal way. Bad = people wishing you to die, people saying you are crazy and should be banned from acting, and fans offering to kill all your critics for you.
4) Listen to Mal when it comes to clothing. She turned this (a picture of Arthur during his university days, wearing a sweatshirt, sweatpants, and a cap over his head. It was one of those weeks with tests in every subject and no time to shower. He looked like a mess) to this (a picture of Arthur on the cover of GQ, wearing a lovingly-tailored Italian suit).
5) Don’t get drunk on set.
Arthur’s expectations are largely the same, influenced by the amount of time he’s spent with Cobb Studios. So when Eames comes in late, wearing a hideous paisley suit and smelling of a really, really bad cologne, Arthur can’t muster up any respect for the man at all.
Eames doesn’t make it any easier for him not to dislike him.
Eames likes… antagonizing him. More so than anyone Arthur has ever met.
“Still wearing that tie, eh Darling?”
“Bit boring with those shoes - shop at the same store, much?”
“Looks like you haven’t washed your hair in days - still in the same shape as yesterday.”
“Ariadne, can you believe this stick in the mud? Nothing ever changes!”
“If you ever want to remove that stick from your bum, I’d be happy to offer my services. And by my services, I mean my penis.”
But they don’t bother Arthur. Not in anyway that makes him give Eames more attention than he’s ever given any other co-star before, excluding Ariadne, of course. It’s not like Arthur cares at all. Not. At. All.
But there is something strange about Eames that rubs him the wrong way. It probably all started when Eames really rubbed him the wrong way in the elevators two days after they discovered they were working together. Even after realizing they were working together, Eames still harassed him.
It’s like a form of reverse hazing.
Anyways, Arthur’s relationship with his other co-star, Ariadne, is a hell of a lot better than his relationship with Eames. Cobb hadn’t exactly been weeping in despair - the movie was a love triangle between him, Ariadne, and Eames.
“Draw upon your real life experiences,” Cobb had said seriously. Arthur paid close attention to that, especially when the script gods called upon him to kick the crap out of Eames for Ariadne’s love. Sadly, Eames was called upon to fight back, and they landed on a couple of soft mattresses out of falling out of the apartment windows.
Where Eames proceeded to feel him up again.
Arthur gives Eames a bruise on the cheek. The make-up people bitch him out for that.
“He likes messing with me,” Arthur says to Ariadne later.
“He’s just trying to figure you out, Arthur,” Ariadne says. “He doesn’t know you yet.”
-----
One day, Eames finds him in his dressing room.
“Up for a little practice?” Arthur looks up at Eames, who is standing at the doorway of his room.
“What for?” Arthur asks dryly. “I thought you had it all covered. “
“Never bad to practice with you,” Eames says, smiling with something that Arthur can’t identify.
“Not when I’m taking a break and filming is over for the day.”
“We’ve got a large scene up ahead,” Eames says, sliding into a seat next to Arthur. “We need to practice.”
And Arthur can’t argue with that, because he’s nothing but perfect when it comes to his scenes. He doesn’t say a word to Eames, but he takes the script Eames is holding out to him and opens it up to the first page. There’s something off about it. The highlights are in the wrong places, and -
“Is this Ariadne’s script?” He asks, looking at the cover to make sure. It is - Ariadne Summer’s is written across the front clearly. He glares at Eames, who is wearing an innocent look on his face.
“Well, there went that plan,” he says.
“Joanna: There’s nothing left for me to say to you. William: Wait, Joanna! Grabs Joanna and kisses her,” Arthur reads out loud. “You wanted to practice this scene with me?”
“I just wanted to see how you’d react, darling,” Eames says, picking the script out of Arthur’s hands. “Lovely rise.”
Eames runs out the door before Arthur can say anything else.
“Well,” Arthur says to an empty room. “That was weird.”
-----
“Wow, you really dislike him,” Ariadne says to Arthur after filming, the day after the strange instance with Eames in his dressing room. They’re standing next to the water cooler, resting between scenes.
“I dislike a lot of actors,” Arthur says plainly. He’s never had to hide that aspect of him from Ariadne. She knows his opinions on a lot of actors.
“Yeah, but you always say it’s because they suck at acting,” Ariadne says. “Eames doesn’t suck at acting.”
“I beg to differ,” Arthur says, because really, he hasn’t seen anything special from Eames. “He’s always late, he forgets his lines, and he keeps on messing up scenes by tripping me or harassing me. And he’s disorganized, too. Yesterday he came to me to practice, and he gave me your script.”
And as Eames walks past them, Arthur says definitively: “I don’t like him.”
Eames’ back stiffens, and he quickens his pace.
“Oh Arthur,” Ariadne says after a long pause. “He’s just - he’s not acting like he usually does on set in England, I’m sure.”
“Whatever happens in England doesn’t matter,” Arthur says, finishing up his water. “If he can’t do it here.” He’s never liked actors who can’t get their acts together, and he isn’t going to start now.
-----
Later on that day, all the actors are herded together in preparation for Cobb to go over the agenda for filming the next day. Arthur, Ariadne, and Eames, as the stars, stand together nearest to the director’s chair.
“So,” Ariadne says to Arthur loudly. “What did you say made a good actor again?” Arthur looks at her incredulously - it’s like asking a friend of fifteen years what they liked to do - so Ariadne amends.
“There’s a new actress who, um, asked for my advice last night. I just don’t want to miss any of the advice you gave me when we were starting out.” Well, that sounds reasonable, Arthur decides.
“Someone who’s not late,” Arthur starts reciting, list of at least thirty items branded into his mind. “Someone who knows who to do their job - to know the lines, or at least most of the lines, before filming. Someone who follows the schedule, who lives the character, who -“
“So,” Ariadne interrupts him. “You’re saying that you only like serious actors, right?” For some reason, her body is angled towards Eames.
“Um,” Arthur says, eyes catching a quick flicker from Eames’ eyes. “Yes, I suppose so. Those are the only respectable ones, after all.”
Then Cobb walks in, ending any talk.
“Okay, so I wasn’t able to get a shark tank because Mal tells me that certain animal rights groups are going to fry our asses if we harm animals in our film - which I told them we weren’t going to hurt them, but they aren’t listening, so I’ll do that later -“
-----
The next day, Eames actually arrives early. In something non-paisley that actually makes him look good. It’s such a shock that multiple people comment on it, and Arthur himself is about to do so when Eames walks over to him.
“Fancy seeing you here early,” Eames says, smiling. Arthur can’t say anything, the shock of Eames actually being early and actually wearing something that wasn’t pried out of an old man’s hands getting to him in ways he had learned in high school not to say aloud. He looks uncomfortably to the side, searching for Ariadne, but his eyes instead land on the white paper bag in Eames’ hands. Following his gaze, Eames hold up the paper bag.
“Stopped to get some donuts,” Eames says. “Want one?”
“No thanks,” Arthur says. But inside his mind is a continuous loop: donuts, donuts, donuts, oh God I haven’t had one in so long and it’s like my favorite food. Donuts donuts. “I need to go and… shave.” Arthur hasn’t seen a donut on set in three years, and hasn’t been tempted enough to go close to a donut shop after working out for an early action movie with a particularly intimidating trainer.
“Are you sure? There’s a chocolate one -“ Oh God, it’s chocolate.
“No, I’m sure,” Arthur says, cutting Eames off. He starts backing away. “I really need to go and…” His mind blanks out, and his eyes focus on that white bag.
“Shave?” Eames supplies, looking partly amused and partly some other emotion Arthur can’t identify in his donut-crazed state.
“Yes, that,” Arthur says, and then he turns around and walks briskly to his dressing room. It anyone notices him avoiding Eames for the rest of the day or the wrappers from Krispy Kreme hidden in his trashcan, no one says a thing.
But Ariadne looks very smiley the rest of the day.
-----
Eames continues being on time, on schedule, and prepared for every shooting session they have. Arthur doesn’t know exactly when it happened, but he can now sit at the same table as Eames without physically being held down by Ariadne to prevent his escape. Sometimes he even laughs at Eames’ jokes, but those times are far and few between.
Eames is still a thorn in his side, albeit one that he can tolerate now. Arthur’s getting close to actually being wiling to publicly and quietly say that Eames is a good actor, and accepts when Eames offers him donuts (and “accepts” meaning that Eames eventually leaves the bag on the general food table where anyone can take anything, and Arthur grabs one when no one is looking) and stops “misplacing” Eames’ imported tea packets.
It’s almost even like friendship, and it continues into the last few weeks.
After weeks of fighting with prop providers, working with other actors, and running around all over the place, the last few weeks finally arrive. With the final scenes left to shoot, Cobb calls all of the actors together for a conference.
“We’ve got a couple weeks left,” Cobb says, calmly ignoring the scene that is Robert throwing a large plush lion at Mal. “As per usual, we need to generate some… publicity.” The whole cast grumbles, aware of what they’re going to have to do. Or, what some of them have to do. It’s always different.
Last time, for Fangs and Feelings, one of the leading vampires had to actually pretend he was a vampire for a little over two weeks. A religious fanatic had tried to stab him through with a stake within three days, and that plan was quickly abandoned.
“It’s mainly just Arthur and Ariadne,” Mal says, plush lion in hand. “But none of you are allowed to breath a word about it to anyone.” The “or else” doesn’t have to be said.
“We need you two to act like a couple in public,” Cobb says directly to Ariadne and Arthur. “And the rest of you - I swear to God above that I will kill you if you let it slip that they aren’t really in love like you did with Dianna Agron and Alex Pettyfer - that took weeks to orchestrate and we’re lucky enough that they were both sports enough to continue acting far after the truth came out.”
“I don’t think they were acting,” someone whispers.
“Up-pa-pa-pa!” Cobb silences them by cutting the air with his hand. “No, they were definitely acting. Definitely.”
“But Ariadne and I have been working together forever, wouldn’t it be strange if -“ Arthur objects, but Cobb gives him The Squint.
“Alright, everyone but these three,” Cobb waves at hand at Eames, Arthur, and Ariadne. “Go and take your breaks. Remember - not a word or I will cut people.” Grumbling lightly to themselves, people leave the room until only five people are left.
“I don’t see how we can pretend-“ Ariadne starts.
“Oh no, you definitely can,” Cobb reassures. “It’s not that hard, just -“
“We’ve been friends for ages, the romance would have kicked in by now,” Arthur says.
“Just say you got out of a bad relationship, or-“
“But Arthur’s gay!” Ariadne cries out.
“Well, just say he’s gotten over questioning his sexual identity after working on the set of his last movie and getting steamy with a stage hand or something… All Hollywood actors go through that.”
“That,” Arthur begins. “Is entirely implausib-“
“Whoa, Arthur’s gay?” Eames asks.
Shit, Arthur thinks to himself, staying as still as possible. It’s a joke, he wants to say. Ariadne just doesn’t want to do any publicity stunts, so she’ll use anything and --
“Problem, Eames?” Cobb asks, eyes flinty.
Cobb and Ariadne are so used to it only being them and Arthur that they didn’t even think twice before outing him to Eames, and now Eames would tell just about everyone and Arthur would be out of a job, and he’d be branded a demon by conservative newspapers, and --
“Of course not,” Eames cuts into Arthur’s panic attack. “Of course - not every actor is straight in England.”
“Well, then, good,” Cobb says, putting a small wooden hammer down beside him in a less-than-discrete manner. “I’d have hated it if things were to… get out hand so late into the game.”
“Of course,” Eames repeats.
“Well then,” Cobb starts again, looking at Arthur. “Any more problems, Arthur?”
“No, not at all,” Arthur says, heart still beating in his chest. For a moment there, when he thought that Eames would get angry, would go around telling the whole world that Arthur was gay, he was terrified.
“We’ve done this before,” Arthur reminds, fingers rubbing that the bridge of his nose and heart beating in his chest. Eames doesn’t mind, his mind tells him, but his heart won’t get over the fear. It’s not a hard job, acting like a couple, that is. But the tabloids can be brutal, and he’d rather nothing from his past be dredged up again, like -
Well, like his past gay relationships that did not end up well and that Arthur never wanted to bring up every again.
“Just not with Ariadne… But I can deal.”
“Good,” Cobb says. “Here’s the schedule of public events. Go forth and become fishers of suckers.”
-----
Their first occasion is an outing right after filming one of the last scenes. There’s a gaggle of photographers and paparazzi right outside of the studios, starving like a pack of wild animals after meat. Ariadne casually lays a hand on his arm, and he smiles at her the best he can without looking unnatural (a feat, because Arthur is generally horrible at smiling outside of the set).
At once, there are fangirls screaming and gasps of “oh my God, what is that -“ and “I knew it!” Sweat breaks out at Arthur’s neck when he hears someone shout “I thought he was gay!” but laughter follows that and there are quite a few vocal objections to the matter.
“Just breathe,” Ariadne murmurs, tilting her head up to him like she’s whispering something sexy. Ariadne has more practice than he has in this; most of the directors that Arthur ahs worked for don’t dare to ask him to pretend like that out of the set. Arthur can do brooding, he can do angsty, but he can’t do love very well in public eye.
“Come on,” Ariadne says, dropping her hand to lace her fingers through his. She drags him along down the road, until they are out of the paparazzi flashes and fangirl’s sights. “That went well,” she whispers when he lets go of her hands and wipes his own on his pants.
“Ewww,” he says, smiling lightly. “Ariadne germs.”
“Oh shut up.”
-----
The plan works. It works so well that Arthur starts despairing about the intelligence of those who controlled public attention.
Ariadne Summers and Arthur Black in a relationship??? Move over Bradgelina, this is… Ariadartor!
He did, however, have some complaints over the naming of their “romance.”
Summer and Black get heated after filming for Hoagies and Pie… could this be love?
Looks like we have a Black Summer heading our way… and we couldn’t be more excited!
And we thought he was gay… well, apparently not!
And we thought she was gay… well, apparently not!
Yeah, it works well.
“Good job,” Cobb says approvingly the next day. “That worked… quickly, actually.”
“Quickly in a scary way,” Eames says. Arthur thinks he detects a bit of unhappiness in his voice, but why would Eames be unhappy?
“Well, good job, regardless. First scene we have today is between Ariadne and Robert, so Arthur, Eames, you two go off and get ready - your scenes with Ariadne are in about an hour or two.” Cobb takes Ariadne, leaving Arthur and Eames alone in the same room.
Arthur shift uneasily. He still remembers the last time he and Eames were left together alone in the same room (they could be together in public, but things tended to get out of hand when they were in a closed room) - things had happened that Arthur would not mention in polite
company. It was just Eames messing with him again.
But usually, Eames starts in on him the moment the door shuts on them. This time, he’s quiet. Arthur chances a look at the other man, only to find that Eames is looking at him with a pensive look on his face.
“What,” he asks. Eames doesn’t say anything. Arthur gives an annoyed noise, before turning around to look for his script.
“Did you like it?” Eames asks, voice gravely in the silence. Arthur turns.
“Like what?” he asks.
“Being with Ariadne… like that,” Eames clarifies, as if it needed clarification at all.
“What?” Arthur asks, shocked. “Ariande and me - like that? Are you kidding me?”
“No,” Eames says, all concernedly and seriously like there’s something wrong with Arthur if he doesn’t respond.
“Oh, well,” Arthur says disconcertedly. “Uh, no. Ariande said it the first day - I’m gay.”
“Oh.”
“Um,” Arthur says, suddenly awkward. Most actors know that he’s gay, but the actor’s code of silence keeps that fact from getting out. He doesn’t know Eames that well yet, but - well, maybe Eames is gay himself? Or whatever, even though Arthur’s always categorized his actions as annoying -
“Well, I always knew you were a poof,” Eames says, smarmy smirk back on his face.
“Oh, fuck off,” Arthur says angrily, snatching his script and storming out of the room. “And just so you know, Ariadne likes guys who actually know to tie a tie.”
He slams the door on his way out.
Annoying it was.
------
Their second publicity stunt is larger. It’s a night movie premier for a new movie starring Arthur Pendragon and Merlin Emrys - Pantless in Peru (the only gay comedy with straight actors (not the leads - they’re gay for each other) you’ll see in a year!)
Arthur and Ariadne arrive together, both wearing complimentary colors (well, as complimentary as it can get with Arthur wearing black and Ariadne wearing a nice green). They smile for the cameras and link their arms together, and it’s all going swimmingly until…
“Oh, hello, fancy meeting you two here like this.” Eames pops out from behind them, planting himself firmly between them. The camera flashes seem to double in intensity.
“Eames,” Arthur says through gritted teeth. “What are you doing?” It’s not what Cobb had told them to do. Eames gives a loud laugh and swings an arm over his shoulder, gripping it tightly.
“What, can’t step in to see my costars?” He says, looking down at Ariadne, who is trapped in his other arm, but who also doesn’t seem to mind it as much as Arthur does.
“Of course you can,” Ariadne says, laughing like she’s in on a joke. Arthur looks at her incredulously, and redoubles his efforts to get out of Eames’ hold.
“Don’t be like that,” Eames whispers quietly. “The cameras are watching.”
The cameras are watching, Arthur thinks to himself. So he grits his teeth and lets Eames’ arm stay there. Arthur doesn’t like being uninformed.
Cobb is extremely happy the next morning.
“Keep up the good work, Eames,” Cobb says, smiling like there’s nothing wrong in the world at all. “Good idea when you told me that you should be a part of the publicity, and -“
“Wait, Eames offered to be a part of the publicity?” Arthur asks.
“Yeah,” Cobb says. “Usually I keep it down to two because things get messed up with more than that easily, but you guys pulled it off!” Arthur can’t believe it. He doesn’t mind the “taking initiative” part - that’s a good actor - but he does mind the “don’t tell your co-actors anything and wait for them to find out” part.
“I thought so, too, “Ariadne says, patting Eames on the shoulder. “Good thinking!”
“We had to do this back in England too,” Eames says, smiling - no, smirking - at Arthur. “I know how these things work.” Balls, you know how things work, Arthur thought.
He glares at Eames over the top of his coffee cup, and sees the man give a blinding smile in return.
Oh, it is so on, he thinks. He thought he and Eames could have a working relationship, that Eames wasn’t a bad actor, and that he could actually be a good actor and a good member of the acting community. Maybe even a friend. But none of Arthur’s friends (which, admittedly, only included Cobb, Mal, Ariadne, and the new addition Robert) would pull shit like that without telling him first.
He crumbles his coffee with one hand, throws it into the trash, and walks out, missing Eames’ confused look at his retreating back.
He was wrong about Eames.
-----
“What’s going on?” Ariadne asks him three hours later, after he’s subtly (see: loudly and persistently) asked her to go to La Morte D’Arthur, which only sat two people, for lunch.
“Nothing,” Arthur says, looking at the menu. “I just didn’t want to be around Eames today.”
There’s a pause.
“Well, can’t say I expected you to beat around the bush,” Ariadne says, smiling. She sets the menu aside and leans on the table. “But really. You were fine these past few weeks. What happened?”
“Nothing,” Arthur repeats. “He and I just aren’t good as actors working together.”
“Um, okay,” Ariadne draws out. “Wait a second - is this about him not telling you - I mean, us - about his role in the publicity thing?” Arthur blinks. Ariadne knows him too well.
“Yes,” he says. “I was beginning to think he could be a good actor. I know retract that thought.” Ariadne’s face twists so suddenly that when Arthur sees it over the top of his menu, he starts a little. She looks…
Well, pissed could only be the right word for that murderous expression.
“That’s it!” Ariadne shouts, making heads turn in the medieval-themed restaurant. “I’m tired of this! How could you, after working with him for nearly five months, still not think of him as a terrific, amazing, and hot, single actor?” Her voice rises higher and higher in volume until she’s practically screaming at him.
“Well,” Arthur says, carefully wiping at his face. “I’m going to ignore that you called him hot, and simply say that there hasn’t been anything to prove contrary to that thought.”
“Nothing contrary?” Ariadne says, voice rising. “Have you even looked at his past movies?”
“No, I haven’t had time,” Arthur explains, eyes starting to rove around for anything that can stand between him and Ariadne, who looks like she is about to murder him again. “And it’s a waste of time.”
“You, me, tonight at your hotel. We are watching his best films tonight.”
“But he’s just another act-“
“I’m tired of you and Eames not getting along because you think he’s not serious enough!” Ariadne rants, picking up her knife and waving it around in the air. “I’m tired of watching you avoid him or find excuses to avoid him because you think he’s not respecting you and the acting world or something!”
“He didn’t tell me about his role in the publicity stunt,” Arthur hisses back. “Ariadne, you know I hate it when things don’t happen the way I know it will on the red carpet.”
“I know,” Ariadne stresses. “And he was an idiot to do that, but you can’t just dismiss him because he didn’t tell you - look at how great he’s been over the past few months!”
“It doesn’t matter,” Arthur says, leaning back in his chair and looking at his menu again. “In a couple of weeks, none of this matters. You don’t need to come over at seven.”
“You need to know these things!” Ariadne says, incensed again. “You need to know, because if you don’t, you can’t finish this movie - you can’t do those last scenes without knowing what he can do!”
“Yeah, but-“
“No buts!” Ariadne cries. “Tonight, seven.” She points the knife threateningly at Arthur.
Of course Arthur agrees.
When they get back to the set, filming is as stilted as it was in the morning. Cobb declares that all their scenes that day are “shitty - we’re taking them again in the future.” Arthur feels ashamed and doesn’t look at Eames even once outside of the times when the camera is filming.
He’s not looking forward to seven.
------
At seven, Ariadne stands at his hotel room door holding a box of movies.
“Is that?” Arthur asks at the doorway, wondering if he should let the box enter his room.
“Yeah, it’s a box of al his films. The notable ones.” There have got to be at least twenty films inside the box. “Let me in.”
Ariadne makes herself comfortable on his hotel floor, and fiddles with the DVD player. The screen flickers and the film immediately starts. Arthur doesn’t even have time to make popcorn.
“I didn’t even have time to make popcorn,” Arthur says, complaining, but sitting down on his bed anyways.
“On it,” Ariadne says, standing up. “You just sit tight and watch.”
------
“Oh,” Arthur says when Eames bursts out of a burning building, clothing flying behind him, accentuating his build. The fire flames out behind him, and there’s a look of determination on his face as he carries the child in his arms to safety.
“Hnk,” Arthur rasps out quietly as Eames breaks down on screen, cradling the body of his dead infant sister after a massive nuclear meltdown on a vacation in France. There are definitely no tears in Arthur’s eyes.
“That’s, uh, interesting,” Arthur says as a naked Eames walks out of a hotel bathroom, leaning against the doorway and looking seductively at a red-haired woman on the bed, who’s head just covers Eames crotch area.
“Gah,” Arthur rasps out quietly, this time for totally different reasons, as a semi-naked and wet Eames pulls out of a swimming pool, the water droplets flinging off of his hair, and off his body.
“Gah,” he says again, when Eames goes to a chair, bends over and picks up a towel.
“Gah,” he says for a final time, when Eames walks into his hotel room, strips off his trunks, and there is a very nice close up of his ass as he walks to the bathroom to take a shower. Arthur discretely moves a pillow in front of his lap.
“Well,” Ariadne says brightly when the door shuts behind Eames on screen. “Look at the time! I’ll just leave these here and go home. I’ve seen this film like twenty-seven times anyways. You know it has a sequel? It’s in there. Bring them back whenever!”
When Ariadne shows herself out the door (Arthur pretends that his leg fell asleep and he doesn’t want to aggravate it instead of admit to a… harder problem elsewhere), she leaves behind a very confused Arthur.
Arthur would feel like he’s getting left behind confused a lot, if not for the fact that he had… that “harder problem” to take care of.
-----
It’s all because of the films. Arthur can blame it all on those films - those dirty, dirty films - Ariadne gave him. Arthur’s not immune to feelings.
He’s gotten over… things regarding other actors and public figures (like Wentworth Miller. And Channing Tatum. And Anderson Cooper, although that one was still a works in progress). He can’t help it - he likes good actors.
But they all take time. And the time he’s given - a handful of days - is not enough to steel himself for working with Eames again. He’s been through a lot of opinions in a short amount of time: first from hating Eames, to grudgingly respecting him, to hating him again, and then now to… whatever this was.
They’re re-filming a scene - the scene between him and Eames at a Japanese festival - when Arthur gets suddenly very uncomfortable with the amount of touching he has to do with Eames.
“Stop squirming, darling,” Eames hisses to him, mouth just an inch away form his. “I’m supposed to be intimidating you.”
“I’m not squirming,” Arthur says, wishing Cobb would hurry up. The man had gone off for a coffee break, yukata flying behind him (the man liked to dress to be "a part of the scene" - it was a Cobb quirk) saying he would be “just a minute” and telling them to stay in their spots. “Your breath is just especially horrid.” If his breathing is a little off, Eames doesn’t say anything. But his eyes get a bit hooded, and before Arthur knows it, he’s crowded against a wall, Eames’ face close to his.
“How is it, darling,” Eames says. “That you are so captivating?”
“What?” Arthur says, not even daring to breath. Eames’ lips are just that close to his, and his brain is pretty much short-circuiting. It would so easy to just lunge forward and take that leap - Arthur’s never cared about what anyone has ever thought of him before.
But.
But Eames is just messing with him, like he’s been for the past five months. Nothing means anything.
“I’m back,” Cobb announces, and Eames - thank God - moves away. “Action!”
“So this is how you treat the ones you love,” Eames begins, and Arthur loses himself in the scene.
But it’s not quite as good as it can be, and Cobb demands they reshoot in the future.
-----
Arthur had complained to Ariadne long and often about how Eames loved to mess with him. But lately it was getting ridiculous, and he found himself complaining every few days or so, until it became the only thing he had to gripe about during breaks. He likes to think he’s good at suppressing his feelings, but the suppressed feelings come out in verbal vomit instead. He doesn’t notice this when it happens, though.
There was no more talk about Cobb becoming old and delusional (he threw a broom through the window yesterday. For art. No more talk about Philippa being enrolled in a conservative Christian school and how it was the worst idea ever. It was always “Eames is fucking annoying” or “Jesus, if Eames messes with my stuff on set again, I will murder him.”
“He touches me!” Arthur had shouted after a particularly grueling session involving Eames and Arthur fighting in the showers of a gym’s men’s locker room. “He touches me and stuff!”
“And stuff?” Ariadne asks, raising her eyebrows.
“And stuff,” Arthur repeats. “Did you see what he did with my newspaper clippings in my dressing room? He drew little penises, Ariadne. Little penises.” Ariadne giggles as she remembers. “Stop that - it wasn’t funny!”
“But it totally was! And he didn’t draw little penises, he drew naked stick people with penises twice the size of their bodies.”
“And then,” Arthur continues, even more incensed. “He leaves little notes in my dressing room - notes from Julius Caesar!
Strike, as thou didst at Caesar; for I know, when thou didst hate him worst,
thou lov’dst him better, than ever thou lov’dst Cassius!
“Aww, how cute!”
“Brutus kills Caesar,” Arthur hisses.
“Well, yeah,” Ariadne admits. “But there were a lot of pseudo-gay relationship-y stuff before that.”
“That doesn’t make it better!” Arthur slumps back in his chair, looking up at the black ceiling. “It’s like he loves messing with me or something. It’s like he - like he wants to make me look bad in front of Cobb!” Hope that Eames was pulling his pigtails or whatever was brutally crushed two days into Eames’ personal quest to mess with Arthur as much as possible.
“Oh Arthur,” Ariadne says, looking at him with pity in her eyes. “You’re an oblivious one, aren’t you? I’m going to give you a hint.” She makes a circle with the index finger and thumb of her left hand, and sticks the index finger of her right hand through it repeatedly, but Arthur’s isn’t even looking at her.
“He’s kind of slow,” Robert Fischer, one of Ariadne’s suitors and an actor playing the minor role of Ariadne’s brother, says when Arthur doesn’t respond to Ariadne’s crude gestures. “Try again.”
“And the way he touches you!” Arthur suddenly says, energized by the subject matter. “You’d think he would know how to be more subtle about his attentions, even if Cobb did tell him to get between us like that. Still, he could -“
“The way he touches me?” Ariadne asks, astonished. She exchanges looks with Robert, who gives her a look that says: “I knew he was slow.”
She decides he’s going to sleep on the couch tonight.
“No,” Ariadne says, laying a hand on his arm. “You should see the way he touches you, Arthur. In public, like he doesn’t want anyone else to touch you.”
“He hangs all over you when we’re out,” Arthur says. Ariadne opens her mouth to speak, but Arthur continues on without her. “He throws around my stuff. He gives you flowers sometimes. He gives me little disgusting penis men.” Then he collapses into a brooding silence.
“Arthur, seriously, he likes you.”
“Stop fucking with me.” Arthur spits out, and immediately regrets doing so. Ariadne looks offended, but he can’t deal with that right now. He just can’t. Arthur gets up, and leaves. Ariadne is squawking over his abrupt departure and language, but Arthur has problems of his own to take care of.
Eames can’t like him - it’s impossible. It’s what Arthur has been telling himself for the past few days, so it must be true. Eames can’t like him, he must - he must like… Ariadne. She’s the one who Eames leans on when he breaks in on their publicity events. Arthur’s seen them talking together, too, sometimes near the snack table, and sometimes outside her or Eames’ dressing room doors.
Arthur knows Ariadne is lovely - she gets much more fan mail than he does. He knows that Eames is practically only ever around him when Ariadne is around, too. But Arthur isn’t stupid enough to think that he’s being completely reasonable. He’s being perfectly unreasonable.
Ariadne introduced a possibility - one that Arthur can only reject as harshly as he can. Eames always grabs onto Ariadne the tightest and the longest. Because Ariadne looks like she belongs more with Eames than he ever could.
Arthur cuts his losses as best as he can.
And sometimes running away from the fearful possibility of having your heart stomped all over again, is enough to try to convince yourself that someone you’ve gotten close to over the past five months, who can act his way out of a solid safe, and who you feel close to alive with, loves your best friend instead of you.
It’s your attempt to rid yourself of complicated feelings.
There was never a hope for me.
Part 2
Pairing(s): Arthur/Eames, Robert/Ariadne, Cobb/Mal (sneak Arthur/Merlin from Merlin! Hehehe)
Rating: Pg-13 to light R?
Word Count: 12,134
Summary: Arthur and Ariadne are actors trying to trick the public into believing that they are a couple for their newest romantic comedy film, Hoagies and Pie. Eames is the actor who’s playing the Ariadne’s jealous boyfriend in the film. But when he acts jealous in public and interrupts Arthur and Ariadne’s attempts, is it really an act? And if real, who is he really jealous of?
Art Prompt Title: Untitled
Art link: Art Master Post
Artist: adelaide_rain;
Notes: When I first decided to do inception reversebang, I vowed that my story would not turn out like my big bang fic. In other words, I didn't want to feel rushed near the end and nearly kill myself with lack of sleep and squeezing out ideas. I think I succeeded, sort of! Anyways, this spot is really for me to thank adelaide_rain; for her lovely artwork, which inspired me to write this fic. She's an amazing artist to write for, and working with her is very lovely~ Thanks also to my beta gelbwax; who took up a 10,000+ fic and betaed it twice within two days! And to my bff, who also helped read through my story, and who has a very developed sense of humor :) <3 to you all, and phew! It's over!
-------
“Jesus fuck, Dom went over our heads again,” Ariadne gripes, shoving a newspaper in Arthur’s face.
“Wait, what?”
“Look for yourself!” Ariadne tears open the pages to the Entertainment section, pointing to an article.
-------
MOVIE TO STAR CHARLES EAMES, ARTHUR BLACK, and ARIADNE SUMMERS IN A LOVE TRIANGLE
Yusuf Khalid
Staff Reporter
At a press conference on March 24, Dominic Cobb of Cobb Studios announced that his most recent project, Hoagies and Pie, has found an actor to play opposite to both Arthur Black and Ariadne Summers: Charles Eames. This announcement came after weeks of media speculation of the chances that Cobb would be able to find a strong enough actor to hold his own against Black and Summers. Both honored film stars, any actor unable to act to their caliber would have immediately made Hoagies and Pie a massive flop in both the box offices and the film awards.
Eames is a new introduction to American viewers, but to a British audience, he is considered one of the most marketable and lauded actors ever. Known for his roles in Footprints in the Snow, Stuck in a Hole, Yo-ho-ho and a Bottle of Rum, and several other notable films, Eames is a strong edition to the cast of Hoagies and Pie.
Hoagies and Pie will be shown in theaters in mid-May.
-----
“I mean, it’s not like I hate Eames,” Ariadne rages, throwing her hands up. “But Dom could’ve told us, you know?”
“Stuck in a Hole?” Arthur reads incredulously. “What is that, a porno?”
“A rom-com,” Ariadne corrects. “But Yo-ho-ho has got some, uh, sex scenes.”
“Aaand that’s the only reason why you watched it,” Arthur dead-pans. Ariadne flushes.
“What?” She says, voice pitching higher. “Like you didn’t just watch As the World Turns to see the Luke-Noah and Luke-Reid!” This time
Arthur flushes, but it’s less noticeable than the cherry red that Ariadne sports.
“It was a monumental series,” Arthur says, straightening. “And for that matter-“
“But oh my God,” Ariadne ignores him, twirling around in spot, arms in the air. “We’re gonna work with Eames!”
“Is that a good thing?” Arthur asks, dodging her flailing arms. “Who’s Eames, anyways?”
“Of course it is. I mean, I’m mad that I didn’t at least get to chose the person who’s going to be touching my lady parts, like, a gazillion times, but - wait, you don’t know who Eames is?” Ariadne asks, stopping to stare at him.
“Am I supposed to?” Ariadne gapes at him. Then hits him hard in the shoulder.
“Ow!” Good God, Ariadne could knock out a hippo with that strength. Arthur’s entire arm is throbbing.
“What kind of gay actor are you?” Ariadne shouts. Then, in true actor’s passion, she turns and stalks out of the dressing room, muttering furiously about how sad it was that an actor didn’t know about other “prominent, hot, single actors in the same field.”
“I need someone to spoon feed me later!” Arthur yells after her.
“Buy a new arm!”
-------
Caught up in work, relationships, and that creepy new guy down in makeup who always stares at Arthur for ten minutes (“to gather information about your facial dimensions”) before doing anything, Arthur doesn’t get time to look up Eames at all.
It’s a mistake, and the consequences of that mistake face him the day filming for Hoagies and Pie begins.
“Why hello, lovely,” a thick-lipped, leering British man says to him. “Why so serious?” Arthur, just exiting Costa Coffee and in a hurry to get to work, stared at the British man hitting on him with a quote from the most horribly made movie of all time?
“Excuse me?” He asks. “I beg your pardon.” There are people staring, and Arthur knows they’re blocking the Costa Coffee entrance.
“You can do more than that,” the man says, leaning in close enough that their thighs were touching. “Begging, I mean,” he adds, as if it needed any clarification at all.
“Uh,” Arthur says. “No.” And that’s how the man - Charles “Call me Eames” Eames, Arthur later finds out - arrives to his first day of work covered with coffee, a fuming Arthur watching him approach the set incredulously, having just run away like the wind from a “creepy pervert.”
------
It had been two weeks since he met Eames, since that unfortunate, unfortunate incident with too much touching and too much screaming. Of course, Arthur had walked away from the scene feeling vindicated, but watching the same man he had thrown coffee on stroll into work a day later fine and dandy wearing a paisley suit destroyed that happy vindication.
And the following days had sadly destroyed Arthur’s misconception that Eames was a piss poor actor.
(Online blogs hadn’t helped with that. Arthur researched on Eames the night of their first day working together. The headlines were not reassuring.
Dickless Dom casts Egads - why him? - Eames. Remains Douche While Doing So
Eames and why we think he needs a paper bag
And other variations)
Their first scene between Arthur’s meeting with Ariadne and his first date with her - the first scene with only Arthur and Eames - blows Arthur away in a way that he doesn’t appreciate at all. Arthur’s used to being at the top of his game. He’s got a couple awards to his belt, and he never bothered to check that Eames had the same before that first scene.
But after that scene - after Arthur knew what Eames could do with a page of script and twenty minutes to fill - Arthur conceded that Eames was not a “piss poor” actor, but just a below average one.
Especially since he didn’t act at all like a respectable actor. He’s heard from Ariadne that Eames can do works of God on screen in Britain, but Arthur doesn’t believe her. Eames is just passable. Cobb Studios has rules, and Arthur has rules. They’re not hard rules, but they’re rules the people that Arthur respects and likes to work with follow.
Cobb Studios was a widely respected studio, in part because of the strong storylines they chose to create into film, and in part because of the charisma and intelligence of Dominic Cobb and Mallorie Fallon. Arthur had been working with them for more than five years, practically beginning his acting career with them, after he had met Mal at his university by chance.
Their expectations of their actors were simple:
1) Get to the set on time, and leave when we tell you to. Ask before you take off, and make sure to give a day’s advance if you can’t come in one day.
2) Do not antagonize other actors. You’ve all heard of the infamous Saito-Fischer fiasco in the tabloids. Don’t let them become you.
3) Good publicity is good. Bad publicity is bad. Know the difference. Good = people smiling at you, people opening doors for you, girls offering you their love in a non-carnal way. Bad = people wishing you to die, people saying you are crazy and should be banned from acting, and fans offering to kill all your critics for you.
4) Listen to Mal when it comes to clothing. She turned this (a picture of Arthur during his university days, wearing a sweatshirt, sweatpants, and a cap over his head. It was one of those weeks with tests in every subject and no time to shower. He looked like a mess) to this (a picture of Arthur on the cover of GQ, wearing a lovingly-tailored Italian suit).
5) Don’t get drunk on set.
Arthur’s expectations are largely the same, influenced by the amount of time he’s spent with Cobb Studios. So when Eames comes in late, wearing a hideous paisley suit and smelling of a really, really bad cologne, Arthur can’t muster up any respect for the man at all.
Eames doesn’t make it any easier for him not to dislike him.
Eames likes… antagonizing him. More so than anyone Arthur has ever met.
“Still wearing that tie, eh Darling?”
“Bit boring with those shoes - shop at the same store, much?”
“Looks like you haven’t washed your hair in days - still in the same shape as yesterday.”
“Ariadne, can you believe this stick in the mud? Nothing ever changes!”
“If you ever want to remove that stick from your bum, I’d be happy to offer my services. And by my services, I mean my penis.”
But they don’t bother Arthur. Not in anyway that makes him give Eames more attention than he’s ever given any other co-star before, excluding Ariadne, of course. It’s not like Arthur cares at all. Not. At. All.
But there is something strange about Eames that rubs him the wrong way. It probably all started when Eames really rubbed him the wrong way in the elevators two days after they discovered they were working together. Even after realizing they were working together, Eames still harassed him.
It’s like a form of reverse hazing.
Anyways, Arthur’s relationship with his other co-star, Ariadne, is a hell of a lot better than his relationship with Eames. Cobb hadn’t exactly been weeping in despair - the movie was a love triangle between him, Ariadne, and Eames.
“Draw upon your real life experiences,” Cobb had said seriously. Arthur paid close attention to that, especially when the script gods called upon him to kick the crap out of Eames for Ariadne’s love. Sadly, Eames was called upon to fight back, and they landed on a couple of soft mattresses out of falling out of the apartment windows.
Where Eames proceeded to feel him up again.
Arthur gives Eames a bruise on the cheek. The make-up people bitch him out for that.
“He likes messing with me,” Arthur says to Ariadne later.
“He’s just trying to figure you out, Arthur,” Ariadne says. “He doesn’t know you yet.”
-----
One day, Eames finds him in his dressing room.
“Up for a little practice?” Arthur looks up at Eames, who is standing at the doorway of his room.
“What for?” Arthur asks dryly. “I thought you had it all covered. “
“Never bad to practice with you,” Eames says, smiling with something that Arthur can’t identify.
“Not when I’m taking a break and filming is over for the day.”
“We’ve got a large scene up ahead,” Eames says, sliding into a seat next to Arthur. “We need to practice.”
And Arthur can’t argue with that, because he’s nothing but perfect when it comes to his scenes. He doesn’t say a word to Eames, but he takes the script Eames is holding out to him and opens it up to the first page. There’s something off about it. The highlights are in the wrong places, and -
“Is this Ariadne’s script?” He asks, looking at the cover to make sure. It is - Ariadne Summer’s is written across the front clearly. He glares at Eames, who is wearing an innocent look on his face.
“Well, there went that plan,” he says.
“Joanna: There’s nothing left for me to say to you. William: Wait, Joanna! Grabs Joanna and kisses her,” Arthur reads out loud. “You wanted to practice this scene with me?”
“I just wanted to see how you’d react, darling,” Eames says, picking the script out of Arthur’s hands. “Lovely rise.”
Eames runs out the door before Arthur can say anything else.
“Well,” Arthur says to an empty room. “That was weird.”
-----
“Wow, you really dislike him,” Ariadne says to Arthur after filming, the day after the strange instance with Eames in his dressing room. They’re standing next to the water cooler, resting between scenes.
“I dislike a lot of actors,” Arthur says plainly. He’s never had to hide that aspect of him from Ariadne. She knows his opinions on a lot of actors.
“Yeah, but you always say it’s because they suck at acting,” Ariadne says. “Eames doesn’t suck at acting.”
“I beg to differ,” Arthur says, because really, he hasn’t seen anything special from Eames. “He’s always late, he forgets his lines, and he keeps on messing up scenes by tripping me or harassing me. And he’s disorganized, too. Yesterday he came to me to practice, and he gave me your script.”
And as Eames walks past them, Arthur says definitively: “I don’t like him.”
Eames’ back stiffens, and he quickens his pace.
“Oh Arthur,” Ariadne says after a long pause. “He’s just - he’s not acting like he usually does on set in England, I’m sure.”
“Whatever happens in England doesn’t matter,” Arthur says, finishing up his water. “If he can’t do it here.” He’s never liked actors who can’t get their acts together, and he isn’t going to start now.
-----
Later on that day, all the actors are herded together in preparation for Cobb to go over the agenda for filming the next day. Arthur, Ariadne, and Eames, as the stars, stand together nearest to the director’s chair.
“So,” Ariadne says to Arthur loudly. “What did you say made a good actor again?” Arthur looks at her incredulously - it’s like asking a friend of fifteen years what they liked to do - so Ariadne amends.
“There’s a new actress who, um, asked for my advice last night. I just don’t want to miss any of the advice you gave me when we were starting out.” Well, that sounds reasonable, Arthur decides.
“Someone who’s not late,” Arthur starts reciting, list of at least thirty items branded into his mind. “Someone who knows who to do their job - to know the lines, or at least most of the lines, before filming. Someone who follows the schedule, who lives the character, who -“
“So,” Ariadne interrupts him. “You’re saying that you only like serious actors, right?” For some reason, her body is angled towards Eames.
“Um,” Arthur says, eyes catching a quick flicker from Eames’ eyes. “Yes, I suppose so. Those are the only respectable ones, after all.”
Then Cobb walks in, ending any talk.
“Okay, so I wasn’t able to get a shark tank because Mal tells me that certain animal rights groups are going to fry our asses if we harm animals in our film - which I told them we weren’t going to hurt them, but they aren’t listening, so I’ll do that later -“
-----
The next day, Eames actually arrives early. In something non-paisley that actually makes him look good. It’s such a shock that multiple people comment on it, and Arthur himself is about to do so when Eames walks over to him.
“Fancy seeing you here early,” Eames says, smiling. Arthur can’t say anything, the shock of Eames actually being early and actually wearing something that wasn’t pried out of an old man’s hands getting to him in ways he had learned in high school not to say aloud. He looks uncomfortably to the side, searching for Ariadne, but his eyes instead land on the white paper bag in Eames’ hands. Following his gaze, Eames hold up the paper bag.
“Stopped to get some donuts,” Eames says. “Want one?”
“No thanks,” Arthur says. But inside his mind is a continuous loop: donuts, donuts, donuts, oh God I haven’t had one in so long and it’s like my favorite food. Donuts donuts. “I need to go and… shave.” Arthur hasn’t seen a donut on set in three years, and hasn’t been tempted enough to go close to a donut shop after working out for an early action movie with a particularly intimidating trainer.
“Are you sure? There’s a chocolate one -“ Oh God, it’s chocolate.
“No, I’m sure,” Arthur says, cutting Eames off. He starts backing away. “I really need to go and…” His mind blanks out, and his eyes focus on that white bag.
“Shave?” Eames supplies, looking partly amused and partly some other emotion Arthur can’t identify in his donut-crazed state.
“Yes, that,” Arthur says, and then he turns around and walks briskly to his dressing room. It anyone notices him avoiding Eames for the rest of the day or the wrappers from Krispy Kreme hidden in his trashcan, no one says a thing.
But Ariadne looks very smiley the rest of the day.
-----
Eames continues being on time, on schedule, and prepared for every shooting session they have. Arthur doesn’t know exactly when it happened, but he can now sit at the same table as Eames without physically being held down by Ariadne to prevent his escape. Sometimes he even laughs at Eames’ jokes, but those times are far and few between.
Eames is still a thorn in his side, albeit one that he can tolerate now. Arthur’s getting close to actually being wiling to publicly and quietly say that Eames is a good actor, and accepts when Eames offers him donuts (and “accepts” meaning that Eames eventually leaves the bag on the general food table where anyone can take anything, and Arthur grabs one when no one is looking) and stops “misplacing” Eames’ imported tea packets.
It’s almost even like friendship, and it continues into the last few weeks.
After weeks of fighting with prop providers, working with other actors, and running around all over the place, the last few weeks finally arrive. With the final scenes left to shoot, Cobb calls all of the actors together for a conference.
“We’ve got a couple weeks left,” Cobb says, calmly ignoring the scene that is Robert throwing a large plush lion at Mal. “As per usual, we need to generate some… publicity.” The whole cast grumbles, aware of what they’re going to have to do. Or, what some of them have to do. It’s always different.
Last time, for Fangs and Feelings, one of the leading vampires had to actually pretend he was a vampire for a little over two weeks. A religious fanatic had tried to stab him through with a stake within three days, and that plan was quickly abandoned.
“It’s mainly just Arthur and Ariadne,” Mal says, plush lion in hand. “But none of you are allowed to breath a word about it to anyone.” The “or else” doesn’t have to be said.
“We need you two to act like a couple in public,” Cobb says directly to Ariadne and Arthur. “And the rest of you - I swear to God above that I will kill you if you let it slip that they aren’t really in love like you did with Dianna Agron and Alex Pettyfer - that took weeks to orchestrate and we’re lucky enough that they were both sports enough to continue acting far after the truth came out.”
“I don’t think they were acting,” someone whispers.
“Up-pa-pa-pa!” Cobb silences them by cutting the air with his hand. “No, they were definitely acting. Definitely.”
“But Ariadne and I have been working together forever, wouldn’t it be strange if -“ Arthur objects, but Cobb gives him The Squint.
“Alright, everyone but these three,” Cobb waves at hand at Eames, Arthur, and Ariadne. “Go and take your breaks. Remember - not a word or I will cut people.” Grumbling lightly to themselves, people leave the room until only five people are left.
“I don’t see how we can pretend-“ Ariadne starts.
“Oh no, you definitely can,” Cobb reassures. “It’s not that hard, just -“
“We’ve been friends for ages, the romance would have kicked in by now,” Arthur says.
“Just say you got out of a bad relationship, or-“
“But Arthur’s gay!” Ariadne cries out.
“Well, just say he’s gotten over questioning his sexual identity after working on the set of his last movie and getting steamy with a stage hand or something… All Hollywood actors go through that.”
“That,” Arthur begins. “Is entirely implausib-“
“Whoa, Arthur’s gay?” Eames asks.
Shit, Arthur thinks to himself, staying as still as possible. It’s a joke, he wants to say. Ariadne just doesn’t want to do any publicity stunts, so she’ll use anything and --
“Problem, Eames?” Cobb asks, eyes flinty.
Cobb and Ariadne are so used to it only being them and Arthur that they didn’t even think twice before outing him to Eames, and now Eames would tell just about everyone and Arthur would be out of a job, and he’d be branded a demon by conservative newspapers, and --
“Of course not,” Eames cuts into Arthur’s panic attack. “Of course - not every actor is straight in England.”
“Well, then, good,” Cobb says, putting a small wooden hammer down beside him in a less-than-discrete manner. “I’d have hated it if things were to… get out hand so late into the game.”
“Of course,” Eames repeats.
“Well then,” Cobb starts again, looking at Arthur. “Any more problems, Arthur?”
“No, not at all,” Arthur says, heart still beating in his chest. For a moment there, when he thought that Eames would get angry, would go around telling the whole world that Arthur was gay, he was terrified.
“We’ve done this before,” Arthur reminds, fingers rubbing that the bridge of his nose and heart beating in his chest. Eames doesn’t mind, his mind tells him, but his heart won’t get over the fear. It’s not a hard job, acting like a couple, that is. But the tabloids can be brutal, and he’d rather nothing from his past be dredged up again, like -
Well, like his past gay relationships that did not end up well and that Arthur never wanted to bring up every again.
“Just not with Ariadne… But I can deal.”
“Good,” Cobb says. “Here’s the schedule of public events. Go forth and become fishers of suckers.”
-----
Their first occasion is an outing right after filming one of the last scenes. There’s a gaggle of photographers and paparazzi right outside of the studios, starving like a pack of wild animals after meat. Ariadne casually lays a hand on his arm, and he smiles at her the best he can without looking unnatural (a feat, because Arthur is generally horrible at smiling outside of the set).
At once, there are fangirls screaming and gasps of “oh my God, what is that -“ and “I knew it!” Sweat breaks out at Arthur’s neck when he hears someone shout “I thought he was gay!” but laughter follows that and there are quite a few vocal objections to the matter.
“Just breathe,” Ariadne murmurs, tilting her head up to him like she’s whispering something sexy. Ariadne has more practice than he has in this; most of the directors that Arthur ahs worked for don’t dare to ask him to pretend like that out of the set. Arthur can do brooding, he can do angsty, but he can’t do love very well in public eye.
“Come on,” Ariadne says, dropping her hand to lace her fingers through his. She drags him along down the road, until they are out of the paparazzi flashes and fangirl’s sights. “That went well,” she whispers when he lets go of her hands and wipes his own on his pants.
“Ewww,” he says, smiling lightly. “Ariadne germs.”
“Oh shut up.”
-----
The plan works. It works so well that Arthur starts despairing about the intelligence of those who controlled public attention.
Ariadne Summers and Arthur Black in a relationship??? Move over Bradgelina, this is… Ariadartor!
He did, however, have some complaints over the naming of their “romance.”
Summer and Black get heated after filming for Hoagies and Pie… could this be love?
Looks like we have a Black Summer heading our way… and we couldn’t be more excited!
And we thought he was gay… well, apparently not!
And we thought she was gay… well, apparently not!
Yeah, it works well.
“Good job,” Cobb says approvingly the next day. “That worked… quickly, actually.”
“Quickly in a scary way,” Eames says. Arthur thinks he detects a bit of unhappiness in his voice, but why would Eames be unhappy?
“Well, good job, regardless. First scene we have today is between Ariadne and Robert, so Arthur, Eames, you two go off and get ready - your scenes with Ariadne are in about an hour or two.” Cobb takes Ariadne, leaving Arthur and Eames alone in the same room.
Arthur shift uneasily. He still remembers the last time he and Eames were left together alone in the same room (they could be together in public, but things tended to get out of hand when they were in a closed room) - things had happened that Arthur would not mention in polite
company. It was just Eames messing with him again.
But usually, Eames starts in on him the moment the door shuts on them. This time, he’s quiet. Arthur chances a look at the other man, only to find that Eames is looking at him with a pensive look on his face.
“What,” he asks. Eames doesn’t say anything. Arthur gives an annoyed noise, before turning around to look for his script.
“Did you like it?” Eames asks, voice gravely in the silence. Arthur turns.
“Like what?” he asks.
“Being with Ariadne… like that,” Eames clarifies, as if it needed clarification at all.
“What?” Arthur asks, shocked. “Ariande and me - like that? Are you kidding me?”
“No,” Eames says, all concernedly and seriously like there’s something wrong with Arthur if he doesn’t respond.
“Oh, well,” Arthur says disconcertedly. “Uh, no. Ariande said it the first day - I’m gay.”
“Oh.”
“Um,” Arthur says, suddenly awkward. Most actors know that he’s gay, but the actor’s code of silence keeps that fact from getting out. He doesn’t know Eames that well yet, but - well, maybe Eames is gay himself? Or whatever, even though Arthur’s always categorized his actions as annoying -
“Well, I always knew you were a poof,” Eames says, smarmy smirk back on his face.
“Oh, fuck off,” Arthur says angrily, snatching his script and storming out of the room. “And just so you know, Ariadne likes guys who actually know to tie a tie.”
He slams the door on his way out.
Annoying it was.
------
Their second publicity stunt is larger. It’s a night movie premier for a new movie starring Arthur Pendragon and Merlin Emrys - Pantless in Peru (the only gay comedy with straight actors (not the leads - they’re gay for each other) you’ll see in a year!)
Arthur and Ariadne arrive together, both wearing complimentary colors (well, as complimentary as it can get with Arthur wearing black and Ariadne wearing a nice green). They smile for the cameras and link their arms together, and it’s all going swimmingly until…
“Oh, hello, fancy meeting you two here like this.” Eames pops out from behind them, planting himself firmly between them. The camera flashes seem to double in intensity.
“Eames,” Arthur says through gritted teeth. “What are you doing?” It’s not what Cobb had told them to do. Eames gives a loud laugh and swings an arm over his shoulder, gripping it tightly.
“What, can’t step in to see my costars?” He says, looking down at Ariadne, who is trapped in his other arm, but who also doesn’t seem to mind it as much as Arthur does.
“Of course you can,” Ariadne says, laughing like she’s in on a joke. Arthur looks at her incredulously, and redoubles his efforts to get out of Eames’ hold.
“Don’t be like that,” Eames whispers quietly. “The cameras are watching.”
The cameras are watching, Arthur thinks to himself. So he grits his teeth and lets Eames’ arm stay there. Arthur doesn’t like being uninformed.
Cobb is extremely happy the next morning.
“Keep up the good work, Eames,” Cobb says, smiling like there’s nothing wrong in the world at all. “Good idea when you told me that you should be a part of the publicity, and -“
“Wait, Eames offered to be a part of the publicity?” Arthur asks.
“Yeah,” Cobb says. “Usually I keep it down to two because things get messed up with more than that easily, but you guys pulled it off!” Arthur can’t believe it. He doesn’t mind the “taking initiative” part - that’s a good actor - but he does mind the “don’t tell your co-actors anything and wait for them to find out” part.
“I thought so, too, “Ariadne says, patting Eames on the shoulder. “Good thinking!”
“We had to do this back in England too,” Eames says, smiling - no, smirking - at Arthur. “I know how these things work.” Balls, you know how things work, Arthur thought.
He glares at Eames over the top of his coffee cup, and sees the man give a blinding smile in return.
Oh, it is so on, he thinks. He thought he and Eames could have a working relationship, that Eames wasn’t a bad actor, and that he could actually be a good actor and a good member of the acting community. Maybe even a friend. But none of Arthur’s friends (which, admittedly, only included Cobb, Mal, Ariadne, and the new addition Robert) would pull shit like that without telling him first.
He crumbles his coffee with one hand, throws it into the trash, and walks out, missing Eames’ confused look at his retreating back.
He was wrong about Eames.
-----
“What’s going on?” Ariadne asks him three hours later, after he’s subtly (see: loudly and persistently) asked her to go to La Morte D’Arthur, which only sat two people, for lunch.
“Nothing,” Arthur says, looking at the menu. “I just didn’t want to be around Eames today.”
There’s a pause.
“Well, can’t say I expected you to beat around the bush,” Ariadne says, smiling. She sets the menu aside and leans on the table. “But really. You were fine these past few weeks. What happened?”
“Nothing,” Arthur repeats. “He and I just aren’t good as actors working together.”
“Um, okay,” Ariadne draws out. “Wait a second - is this about him not telling you - I mean, us - about his role in the publicity thing?” Arthur blinks. Ariadne knows him too well.
“Yes,” he says. “I was beginning to think he could be a good actor. I know retract that thought.” Ariadne’s face twists so suddenly that when Arthur sees it over the top of his menu, he starts a little. She looks…
Well, pissed could only be the right word for that murderous expression.
“That’s it!” Ariadne shouts, making heads turn in the medieval-themed restaurant. “I’m tired of this! How could you, after working with him for nearly five months, still not think of him as a terrific, amazing, and hot, single actor?” Her voice rises higher and higher in volume until she’s practically screaming at him.
“Well,” Arthur says, carefully wiping at his face. “I’m going to ignore that you called him hot, and simply say that there hasn’t been anything to prove contrary to that thought.”
“Nothing contrary?” Ariadne says, voice rising. “Have you even looked at his past movies?”
“No, I haven’t had time,” Arthur explains, eyes starting to rove around for anything that can stand between him and Ariadne, who looks like she is about to murder him again. “And it’s a waste of time.”
“You, me, tonight at your hotel. We are watching his best films tonight.”
“But he’s just another act-“
“I’m tired of you and Eames not getting along because you think he’s not serious enough!” Ariadne rants, picking up her knife and waving it around in the air. “I’m tired of watching you avoid him or find excuses to avoid him because you think he’s not respecting you and the acting world or something!”
“He didn’t tell me about his role in the publicity stunt,” Arthur hisses back. “Ariadne, you know I hate it when things don’t happen the way I know it will on the red carpet.”
“I know,” Ariadne stresses. “And he was an idiot to do that, but you can’t just dismiss him because he didn’t tell you - look at how great he’s been over the past few months!”
“It doesn’t matter,” Arthur says, leaning back in his chair and looking at his menu again. “In a couple of weeks, none of this matters. You don’t need to come over at seven.”
“You need to know these things!” Ariadne says, incensed again. “You need to know, because if you don’t, you can’t finish this movie - you can’t do those last scenes without knowing what he can do!”
“Yeah, but-“
“No buts!” Ariadne cries. “Tonight, seven.” She points the knife threateningly at Arthur.
Of course Arthur agrees.
When they get back to the set, filming is as stilted as it was in the morning. Cobb declares that all their scenes that day are “shitty - we’re taking them again in the future.” Arthur feels ashamed and doesn’t look at Eames even once outside of the times when the camera is filming.
He’s not looking forward to seven.
------
At seven, Ariadne stands at his hotel room door holding a box of movies.
“Is that?” Arthur asks at the doorway, wondering if he should let the box enter his room.
“Yeah, it’s a box of al his films. The notable ones.” There have got to be at least twenty films inside the box. “Let me in.”
Ariadne makes herself comfortable on his hotel floor, and fiddles with the DVD player. The screen flickers and the film immediately starts. Arthur doesn’t even have time to make popcorn.
“I didn’t even have time to make popcorn,” Arthur says, complaining, but sitting down on his bed anyways.
“On it,” Ariadne says, standing up. “You just sit tight and watch.”
------
“Oh,” Arthur says when Eames bursts out of a burning building, clothing flying behind him, accentuating his build. The fire flames out behind him, and there’s a look of determination on his face as he carries the child in his arms to safety.
“Hnk,” Arthur rasps out quietly as Eames breaks down on screen, cradling the body of his dead infant sister after a massive nuclear meltdown on a vacation in France. There are definitely no tears in Arthur’s eyes.
“That’s, uh, interesting,” Arthur says as a naked Eames walks out of a hotel bathroom, leaning against the doorway and looking seductively at a red-haired woman on the bed, who’s head just covers Eames crotch area.
“Gah,” Arthur rasps out quietly, this time for totally different reasons, as a semi-naked and wet Eames pulls out of a swimming pool, the water droplets flinging off of his hair, and off his body.
“Gah,” he says again, when Eames goes to a chair, bends over and picks up a towel.
“Gah,” he says for a final time, when Eames walks into his hotel room, strips off his trunks, and there is a very nice close up of his ass as he walks to the bathroom to take a shower. Arthur discretely moves a pillow in front of his lap.
“Well,” Ariadne says brightly when the door shuts behind Eames on screen. “Look at the time! I’ll just leave these here and go home. I’ve seen this film like twenty-seven times anyways. You know it has a sequel? It’s in there. Bring them back whenever!”
When Ariadne shows herself out the door (Arthur pretends that his leg fell asleep and he doesn’t want to aggravate it instead of admit to a… harder problem elsewhere), she leaves behind a very confused Arthur.
Arthur would feel like he’s getting left behind confused a lot, if not for the fact that he had… that “harder problem” to take care of.
-----
It’s all because of the films. Arthur can blame it all on those films - those dirty, dirty films - Ariadne gave him. Arthur’s not immune to feelings.
He’s gotten over… things regarding other actors and public figures (like Wentworth Miller. And Channing Tatum. And Anderson Cooper, although that one was still a works in progress). He can’t help it - he likes good actors.
But they all take time. And the time he’s given - a handful of days - is not enough to steel himself for working with Eames again. He’s been through a lot of opinions in a short amount of time: first from hating Eames, to grudgingly respecting him, to hating him again, and then now to… whatever this was.
They’re re-filming a scene - the scene between him and Eames at a Japanese festival - when Arthur gets suddenly very uncomfortable with the amount of touching he has to do with Eames.
“Stop squirming, darling,” Eames hisses to him, mouth just an inch away form his. “I’m supposed to be intimidating you.”
“I’m not squirming,” Arthur says, wishing Cobb would hurry up. The man had gone off for a coffee break, yukata flying behind him (the man liked to dress to be "a part of the scene" - it was a Cobb quirk) saying he would be “just a minute” and telling them to stay in their spots. “Your breath is just especially horrid.” If his breathing is a little off, Eames doesn’t say anything. But his eyes get a bit hooded, and before Arthur knows it, he’s crowded against a wall, Eames’ face close to his.
“How is it, darling,” Eames says. “That you are so captivating?”
“What?” Arthur says, not even daring to breath. Eames’ lips are just that close to his, and his brain is pretty much short-circuiting. It would so easy to just lunge forward and take that leap - Arthur’s never cared about what anyone has ever thought of him before.
But.
But Eames is just messing with him, like he’s been for the past five months. Nothing means anything.
“I’m back,” Cobb announces, and Eames - thank God - moves away. “Action!”
“So this is how you treat the ones you love,” Eames begins, and Arthur loses himself in the scene.
But it’s not quite as good as it can be, and Cobb demands they reshoot in the future.
-----
Arthur had complained to Ariadne long and often about how Eames loved to mess with him. But lately it was getting ridiculous, and he found himself complaining every few days or so, until it became the only thing he had to gripe about during breaks. He likes to think he’s good at suppressing his feelings, but the suppressed feelings come out in verbal vomit instead. He doesn’t notice this when it happens, though.
There was no more talk about Cobb becoming old and delusional (he threw a broom through the window yesterday. For art. No more talk about Philippa being enrolled in a conservative Christian school and how it was the worst idea ever. It was always “Eames is fucking annoying” or “Jesus, if Eames messes with my stuff on set again, I will murder him.”
“He touches me!” Arthur had shouted after a particularly grueling session involving Eames and Arthur fighting in the showers of a gym’s men’s locker room. “He touches me and stuff!”
“And stuff?” Ariadne asks, raising her eyebrows.
“And stuff,” Arthur repeats. “Did you see what he did with my newspaper clippings in my dressing room? He drew little penises, Ariadne. Little penises.” Ariadne giggles as she remembers. “Stop that - it wasn’t funny!”
“But it totally was! And he didn’t draw little penises, he drew naked stick people with penises twice the size of their bodies.”
“And then,” Arthur continues, even more incensed. “He leaves little notes in my dressing room - notes from Julius Caesar!
Strike, as thou didst at Caesar; for I know, when thou didst hate him worst,
thou lov’dst him better, than ever thou lov’dst Cassius!
“Aww, how cute!”
“Brutus kills Caesar,” Arthur hisses.
“Well, yeah,” Ariadne admits. “But there were a lot of pseudo-gay relationship-y stuff before that.”
“That doesn’t make it better!” Arthur slumps back in his chair, looking up at the black ceiling. “It’s like he loves messing with me or something. It’s like he - like he wants to make me look bad in front of Cobb!” Hope that Eames was pulling his pigtails or whatever was brutally crushed two days into Eames’ personal quest to mess with Arthur as much as possible.
“Oh Arthur,” Ariadne says, looking at him with pity in her eyes. “You’re an oblivious one, aren’t you? I’m going to give you a hint.” She makes a circle with the index finger and thumb of her left hand, and sticks the index finger of her right hand through it repeatedly, but Arthur’s isn’t even looking at her.
“He’s kind of slow,” Robert Fischer, one of Ariadne’s suitors and an actor playing the minor role of Ariadne’s brother, says when Arthur doesn’t respond to Ariadne’s crude gestures. “Try again.”
“And the way he touches you!” Arthur suddenly says, energized by the subject matter. “You’d think he would know how to be more subtle about his attentions, even if Cobb did tell him to get between us like that. Still, he could -“
“The way he touches me?” Ariadne asks, astonished. She exchanges looks with Robert, who gives her a look that says: “I knew he was slow.”
She decides he’s going to sleep on the couch tonight.
“No,” Ariadne says, laying a hand on his arm. “You should see the way he touches you, Arthur. In public, like he doesn’t want anyone else to touch you.”
“He hangs all over you when we’re out,” Arthur says. Ariadne opens her mouth to speak, but Arthur continues on without her. “He throws around my stuff. He gives you flowers sometimes. He gives me little disgusting penis men.” Then he collapses into a brooding silence.
“Arthur, seriously, he likes you.”
“Stop fucking with me.” Arthur spits out, and immediately regrets doing so. Ariadne looks offended, but he can’t deal with that right now. He just can’t. Arthur gets up, and leaves. Ariadne is squawking over his abrupt departure and language, but Arthur has problems of his own to take care of.
Eames can’t like him - it’s impossible. It’s what Arthur has been telling himself for the past few days, so it must be true. Eames can’t like him, he must - he must like… Ariadne. She’s the one who Eames leans on when he breaks in on their publicity events. Arthur’s seen them talking together, too, sometimes near the snack table, and sometimes outside her or Eames’ dressing room doors.
Arthur knows Ariadne is lovely - she gets much more fan mail than he does. He knows that Eames is practically only ever around him when Ariadne is around, too. But Arthur isn’t stupid enough to think that he’s being completely reasonable. He’s being perfectly unreasonable.
Ariadne introduced a possibility - one that Arthur can only reject as harshly as he can. Eames always grabs onto Ariadne the tightest and the longest. Because Ariadne looks like she belongs more with Eames than he ever could.
Arthur cuts his losses as best as he can.
And sometimes running away from the fearful possibility of having your heart stomped all over again, is enough to try to convince yourself that someone you’ve gotten close to over the past five months, who can act his way out of a solid safe, and who you feel close to alive with, loves your best friend instead of you.
It’s your attempt to rid yourself of complicated feelings.
There was never a hope for me.
Part 2