Vestige [KHR prompt fic]

[crysalice_bell]

Fandom: Katekyo Hitman Reborn

Type: Prompt fic Livejournal challenge (write_and_run )
Prompt: Memories; "He looked back into the past" (Sawada Tsunayoshi)
No. of Words (not including notes): 1,166
Genre: Angst
Rating: T
Summary: “There is no heaven or hell after death. People who die in reality go to the minds of their loved ones and proceed to live there as a memory

Comments

[100paperfans]

The ending. Makes me want to cry. Gah, you! First with Cozart and now Tsuna! You're like a puppet master with the strings to the readers heart, I swear.

Character Interpretation - 10. The way Tsuna broke down, the description of his eyes, so different when he's acting the part of Decimo and when he's just plain Tsuna, and the ending. Nicely done, my friend!
Grammar/Spelling - 8. So maybe one or two mistakes, but hey, I hardly noticed I was reading so fast. Couldn't wait to get to the next line~
Story Flow - 18. I think it flowed nicely, too. Especially the ending. One line after another and another, like punches on a punching bag, I'm tellin' ya.
Prompt Usage - 15. I think you conveyed it well.
Originality - 13. Not original in the sense of the scene, but in the fact you had Primo talking to Tsuna, asking him if he was afraid, if he had regrets. That was a great touch.
Bonus - 10.
Total: 74 out of 80.

OMG First time matching use of our icons <3

[crysalice_bell]

A-ah... Sorry? *hides* Though, puppet master doesn't sound as scary as sadistic heartstrings music player... Or is it? O.o

Still, thank you very much for the review. :)

1) Yes, that was part of the parallelism I was going for, the older guy's more a 'proper' mafia boss.
2) Ahaha, I guess that's what I get for writing at 3 in the morning with the lights out, but oh well. xD
3) Ooh, punches on a punching bag, I didn't think of that analogy for that style of writing. Cool... xD
4) And once again, I go overboard with symbolism and subtlety stuff. /shot But I'm glad you think I managed to portray the prompt still ^^
5) WAIT A MINUTE, how did you know that it was Primo talking to Tsuna? I kept that as vague as possible! And there's practically no clues pointing to him, how? O.O You're awesome <3 Actually, those three questions are the ones most often asked to people about death, I think.

WHOA, I didn't expect such a score. Thank you! <3

<3

[100paperfans]

... True, that. But, no, you're too nice to be a scary, sadistic heartstring player /pats. So no worries there.

1. I liked the parallelism a lot. It's great to see an older Tsuna having to cope with the choices he's made and will make.
2. /facepalms. Without any lights?! Are your eyes pleading for mercy yet? D=
4. I don't think you went overboard at all.
5. Fufu, it's the power of co-writers! They know all! But not really. I just imagined that if Tsuna had closed his eyes, preferring to be in his own world, he would have gone off to talk to Primo in the process. Ahh, you're right. Afraid, regrets, all of which we leave behind when we die. I guess I never really thought about it because death doesn't scare me as living. Death = know what to expect. Life = not so much. ... And I shall shut up now, ahaha, going off on a tangent.

<3 You deserved it, good job. And thanks for contributing!

[crysalice_bell]

Awww... ^_^

1. Yeah, it shows he's not the 'almighty Tenth Boss' and is still human in his choices.
2. Well, there was moonlight from the windows. Does that count? And err, I don't think they are. They've gone through worse. D=
5. Hm, maybe that's it! xD And actually, I was going to pass it off as Tsuna's conscience 'talking' to him if no one thinks it's Primo because I thought I was too subtle. *laughs* Now that you mention it, I guess those questions can actually also apply to living, no?

^_^

[eclats_de_voix]

Character Interpretation - 10 - By god, a lovely interpretation. This line: "The Dying Will bullet killed No-Good Tsuna." the sheen of tears of sawada tsunayoshi, and your ending, killed it sold.

Grammar/Spelling - 10

Story Flow - 17 - I was never confused you kept a good pace. Still, I don't think you needed that dry quote at the beginning and the ending could have had a more powerful punch.

Prompt Usage - 13 - because he is looking forward to his younger self's arrival from the past?

Originality - 13 - There were a few phrases and description that could have been more powerful, but still, you had a lot of incredible moments.

Bonus - 10

Total: 73

[crysalice_bell]

Thank you very much for the review!

1) Oh, that line was one of the first few lines I thought up while planning the fic. It's basically me thinking that ever since Tsuna met Reborn, he's been slowly changing from the weak, bullied self he used to be, so that line is like a metaphor, the bullet 'killed' the personality.

2) Ah, that... Yeah, I guess being a bit rushed in writing does that to me, but I thought the ending line about 'going to sleep and becoming a memory' wouldn't have made sense if not for that short quote about connecting death and memory. And, well, it didn't seem fitting to insert in Tsuna's conversation. Hm, I guess I could have planned that out better.

*adds back to f-list* :)

[signifies]

Character Interpretation - 9. An excellent interpretation of Tsuna.

Grammar/Spelling - 8. A few spelling mistakes here and there, but not enough to completely detach me from the story.

Story Flow - 18. This is just beautiful. The interpretation, the way you write, the flow between words and sentences and how you connect the moments -- it's just incredible. The last section started great, and like what eclats_de_voix said, the ending could have had a lot of power in it, but I'm not really complaining about the one you have. It's beautiful.

Prompt Usage - 14.

Originality - 13.

Bonus - 10.

[crysalice_bell]

Thank you very much for the review~

I guess the ending was like that because when I was planning the story, my first few thoughts were about the middle of the story but oh, well. I'm glad you liked it. :)

[lulu_xi]

Character Interpretation: 8.

Grammar/Spelling: 8.

Story Flow: 15. I didn't like the way it almost seemed to be a question and then an answer. It was more suitable to be called an interview rather than a story for that section.

Prompt Usage: 9.

Originality: 9.

Bonus: 10.

Total: 59.

[crysalice_bell]

Hmm, but that was really the style of writing I was going for. To be honest, I tend to experiment with different flows of storytelling, so I guess my works turn out a bit weird and kind of poetic. Hmm... I'll see how I can make it less awkward in future writing.

Thank you very much for the review!

[azurecerulean]

Wow! This is one superb work.

What captivating opening lines!

But most of all, I adore the usage of 5 senses to enhance the angst (the 5 consecutive lines of "The last thing he...").

Mind if I add you to my friend-list?

[crysalice_bell]

Thank you very much for the review!

Haha, the 5-senses line is a style I often tend to use in some of my dramatic fics. :)

Sure, go ahead! ^^ *adds*