read yourself to me (for everyone) [1/2]
For: EVERYONE
From: moon_things
Title: read yourself to me
Rating: PG
Side pairing/s: baekhyun/chanyeol
Length: 15100 words
Summary: college!au. joonmyun gets lost in the library. jongdae helps him find his way.
Warning/s: none
Notes: i’m pretty sure this fic took years off my life but thankyou for such a nice prompt!! i hope it turned out a way you like~ also thank u to T for betaing, and to everyone who supported me even thought i couldnt tell them the first thing about what i was writing orz
If he’s being entirely honest, Joonmyun will admit that tutoring a group of first year students isn’t exactly what he had in mind for gaining teaching experience. He had been thinking something more along the lines of becoming a TA, but it turns out that ‘I’m a third year undergrad with some detailed recommendation letters’ still isn’t quite as good as being a grad student, and so, he had been given the opportunity to tutor instead.
That’s not to say he doesn’t like tutoring - being able to help out his fellow students makes him feel good, and reminds him why he had decided on a teaching degree in the first place. His tutoring group, four first years with bright eyes and undecided majors, meets after their Literature 101 lecture every Wednesday and Friday in a tiny classroom on the second floor of the college student centre. Most days, Joonmyun arrives early and greets each of the kids as they arrive, but today is not one of those days.
Joonmyun isn’t sure what he expected to see upon entering the classroom a few minutes late with an apology already on his tongue, but it certainly wasn’t this.
All four of the kids seem to be in various states of despair, slumped in their seats around the table in the centre of the room or, in Sehun’s case, leaning face-down on it. Joonmyun knows none of them 100% enjoy their literature class, but usually their reactions to the course weren’t quite so dramatic.
“Would it be too much to assume you’re all heartbroken because I wasn’t on time?” he asks, closing the door quietly and approaching the table.
“If you’d been another ten minutes, we could’ve left early,” Kyungsoo says without looking up.
Joonmyun shrugs and takes the one empty seat left at the table. He learned long ago that getting riled up over their insolence wasn’t worth it, and told himself it was all in good fun. He knows that somewhere deep down, they truly do appreciate him as a tutor. Maybe. “What’s happened?”
“Term papers,” Sehun groans, like the thought alone makes him a bit sick. “Assigned in lecture earlier.”
“Oh,” Joonmyun says, a little surprised. “Is that all?”
Across the table, Zitao stares at him blankly. Joonmyun can see no hope in his eyes. “I-I mean, is that why you all look miserable?”
“Except Jongin,” Kyungsoo says. “He’s just asleep.”
Joonmyun leans forward in his seat, looking around the table. “Writing a paper isn’t that hard, you guys. It’s not the end of the world. What’s your page requirement?”
“Five or six,” Sehun grumbles.
“A short paper, then,” Joonmyun says brightly. The others give him dark looks.
It takes a while, but Joonmyun does eventually manage to get them to feel a little better about the assignment - even Jongin lifts his head to listen, and Joonmyun counts it as a win. “It’s not as hard as you think, I promise,” he says. “Look, I’ll see if I can find other material you can use in your papers. Not scholarly sources, those you have to find by yourselves--” He tunes out the groans of despair that go around the table. “--but maybe other novels with similar themes? If you can draw parallels, it might help your understanding of the books you’ve already read.”
There’s a quiet murmur of agreement, and then Joonmyun’s phone lights up with his end-of-class alarm. “Ah, out of time,” he sighs, and watches the kids heave themselves to their feet and start to pack up their things.
“I’ll bring books for next time, okay? Don’t worry,” he calls to them as they file out. They don’t look quite as awful as they did at the start of class, and Joonmyun hopes they feel better, too.
--
The tutor group is the last thing on his schedule for the day, so Joonmyun heads back to the on-campus residence complex and up three flights of stairs to his small apartment. Baekhyun, his roommate, greets him when he opens the front door, sitting up a little from where he’s sprawled on the couch with an Xbox controller in his hand. Whatever game he’s playing is paused, the TV screen frozen, and there’s a second controller on the coffee table.
“Good day?” Baekhyun asks, slumping back onto the cushions. Joonmyun hums in affirmation as he slips his shoes off and pads into the kitchen.
“The kids are a little stressed,” he sighs, pulling his notebooks and laptop out of his bag and setting them on the table.
Baekhyun peeks at him over the back of the couch. “What about?”
“Term papers,” Joonmyun says, turning around and flipping the coffeemaker on. “Their first ones ever, I think. But from the way they were acting, you’d think they got assigned to write a dissertation.”
Baekhyun snickers at that. “Papers suck no matter what year you’re in, man.”
“Do you remember the first term paper you ever wrote?” Joonmyun asks, leaning back against the counter. “In your first year?”
“Nope,” Baekhyun says. “Blocked it from my memory.”
Joonmyun laughs and turns back around to open the cupboard and find a coffee mug. Someone catches the door when he tries to close it, though, and he looks up to see Chanyeol reaching past him to pull out a second mug and set it down on the counter beside Joonmyun’s. Joonmyun rolls his eyes playfully as Chanyeol heads over to the couch. “I’m making coffee, Chanyeol, would you like some?”
“If you wouldn’t mind,” Chanyeol answers, grinning at him before picking up the second controller and nudging Baekhyun’s legs over so he can sit down. Baekhyun promptly drops his feet in Chanyeol’s lap and unpauses the video game.
Joonmyun filters out all the cartoon-y explosion noises as he watches the coffee pot slowly start to fill up, mind drifting back to his tutor group earlier. He knows he promised to find books for the kids, but he’s never actually gone looking for books on campus before. Ordering novels for course-required reading is a little different, and he doesn’t really want to go to the bookstore to buy something that might not get used.
There is the library, though - Joonmyun has been there a few times to look for sources while writing research papers when online lookups weren’t quite enough. He’s never been in looking for, well, real books, but he’s pretty sure they must have those too. It shouldn’t be too hard to find something that could help the kids generate some ideas for their papers. Tomorrow, he decides, filling the two mugs, he’ll try the library.
He carries one into the living room and moves to put it on the coffee table in front of the couch, but Chanyeol pauses the game and drops his controller to take it from him directly. “Thank you,” he sing-songs, cradling the mug in his hands.
“If we don’t charge you rent, we might start billing you for use of the coffee maker,” Joonmyun sighs.
“And for every time you use one of my mugs,” Baekhyun adds, reaching over to hit the unpause button on Chanyeol’s controller. On-screen, his character starts to beat the shit out of Chanyeol’s, and Chanyeol yelps but sets his drink down carefully before snatching up his controller.
Joonmyun leaves the two of them to whine and laugh at each other and slips away into his bedroom, closing the door on the noise. He doesn’t actually mind Chanyeol being around all the time; without him, Joonmyun would probably get annoyed with Baekhyun far more often. It’s not that Baekhyun is annoying, though, Joonmyun wouldn’t have moved in with him if he was - it’s more that Baekhyun needs something to do all the time, and Joonmyun wishes a little that he could see the value in just sitting and being quiet with another person.
Not that he’s had many opportunities to do that himself, if he’s honest. In the three years he’s been at the college, he’s somehow only managed to make friends with loud people like Baekhyun and Chanyeol, and even romance-wise he hasn’t had much more than a couple post-frat-party one-night-only flings, which didn’t involve much quietness aside from trying to not wake up his roommate.
Joonmyun doesn’t mind, though, not really. It’s not like he’s lonely. But he’ll admit that, maybe, it would be nice to have someone to share silences with.
For now, though, he’ll sit and drink his coffee and think about the library, and be quiet by himself.
--
When he goes in the next day, the library seems bigger than Joonmyun remembers it being. It’s a little jarring to not be able to see the far wall past all the bookcases. There’s a row of computers off to one side for online research and typing things up, as well as a few printers clicking and clacking beyond them. There are sitting areas but they seem mostly full, and there are other people around but they’re all silent, flipping through reference books and whatever other academia is in the shelves. Joonmyun doesn’t remember it being so intimidating.
He spots a staircase further back and starts making his way over, hoping he doesn’t look as out of place as he feels. He’s heard from other people around campus that the upper floor is more like a public library, for courses without set reading lists or students that have time to read for the sake of reading - but as he gets closer, Joonmyun notes that no one seems to be going anywhere near the stairs except himself.
He stops at the foot of them and looks up through the winding metal and glass steps. There has to be something up there, he supposes, and so he swallows his nervousness and starts to climb.
He feels different as soon as he reaches the top step, like he’s transported to an entirely separate building. There’s no sound of tapping keys or flipping pages, as if all the noise from downstairs is muffled by the bookshelves surrounding him. They extend out in a semicircle around the top of the staircase, but when Joonmyun peeks down the aisle between two of them he can only see more rows of books instead of a clear path through to the far wall. He only half remembers the decimal classification system, but this library seems to be organized more like a maze.
Making himself move away from the stairs, Joonmyun approaches the bookcase closest to him and takes a few hesitant steps alongside it. He sneaks a glance back the way he had come, just to check if the shelves had somehow closed on him and locked him between them, but he can still see the staircase, and so he looks forward again and continues to the edge of the aisle. He’s too distracted by the sheer number of books to do anything other than wander, turning corners whenever he comes to them and reminding himself, now and then, to keep an eye out for familiar titles.
He gets more lost than anything. The book spines along the shelf he’s following suddenly aren’t in a language Joonmyun can read, and when he glances around, he realizes he has no idea what section he’s ended up in. Not that he knew where he was when he started, he supposes as he turns around and attempts to retrace his steps. He walks a little faster, eager to get out of the rows of books, but in his haste doesn’t notice another boy coming around a corner until he turns suddenly and collides with him.
They both gasp, startled, and the boy drops a stack of paperbacks on the floor as he jumps back. Even their muffled clatter against the carpeted floor seems loud in the airy quiet, and Joonmyun immediately ducks down to help him pick them up.
“I’m so sorry,” he says, trying to keep his voice down. None of the book covers look bent or creased, at least, and he stands up at the same time as the other boy, taking a moment once they’re both on their feet to look at him properly.
The boy he’s walked into has clipped bangs and a sharp jaw, his lips curled a little at the corners even as he frowns and dusts himself off with one hand. A pair of thick-rimmed glasses are perched crookedly on his nose, and Joonmyun almost reaches out to straighten them but catches himself before he raises his hand. The boy nudges them back into place himself.
“It’s okay,” he says, reaching out to take his books from Joonmyun’s hands. Joonmyun almost forgets to let them go. “You should just walk a little louder, so people can actually hear you coming.”
“But it’s a library,” Joonmyun says, brow furrowing. The boy blinks at him a few times, then laughs.
“We’re probably the only people up here right now,” he tells Joonmyun, gesturing around. “It’s okay to make a little noise when there’s no one to disturb. It’s not like the books are going to get offended.”
“Uh.” Joonmyun rubs the back of his neck. “I… I guess you’re right.”
“You don’t come upstairs much, do you?” the boy muses, and Joonmyun shakes his head. “What are you looking for?”
“A book,” Joonmyun says, fishing in his pocket for the scrap of paper he had written the title on. “Uh, it’s called The Messenger, by Markus Zusak? And maybe others with the same sort of genre, I’m not really sure.”
The boy raises his eyebrows a bit. “Well, you’re in the wrong section, for starters. This is half of science fiction.”
Joonmyun glances around. These shelves of books like pretty much the same as all the other shelves of books that he’s passed. “So how do I get to… whatever section I should be in?”
The boy snickers a little. “Let me go put these away,” he says, gesturing to the paperbacks he’s still holding, “and then I’ll show you.” He starts walking down the aisle, and Joonmyun hurries after him.
“Do you work here?” he asks after a moment, attempting to speak at normal volume instead of the hushed tone he wants to use.
“Nope.” The boy stops in front of one bookshelf and looks it up and down. “Kim Jongdae, second year, not even a lit major.” He glances at Joonmyun. “Yourself?”
“Joonmyun,” Joonmyun says, trying his best not to stutter on his own name. “I’m in my third year, doing a teaching degree.” He catches himself feeling relieved when the other boy - Jongdae, now - hums in interest, even as he slides one of the books onto the shelf. “So, why are you…?” He trails off, watching Jongdae put another book next to the first.
“They were out of place,” Jongdae says with a shrug, taking another couple steps along the shelf before sliding another book in, and continues down the aisle. Joonmyun watches him move, following a few paces behind. He tries not to focus on how Jongdae purses his lips a little when he’s searching for the correct space on a shelf, or how he slides his fingers down the books’ spines after he pushes them into place, but doesn’t quite manage it.
Soon, though, Jongdae’s hands are empty, and he turns to smile at Joonmyun. “Zusak, right?” he asks, and Joonmyun has barely nodded before Jongdae starts off towards a different set of bookcases, looking back just once to beckon for Joonmyun to follow him.
“All of his books should be somewhere in… this shelf,” Jongdae says, leading him past a few openings into other shelved aisles and then stopping decisively at the end of one, lined with full bookcases on either side. “You can probably find some similar novels one row over. It goes by last name.”
“Cool,” Joonmyun says, glancing warily down the aisle at the rows and rows of books before stepping closer and looking up at the bookcase Jongdae gestures to. “Thank you, I’ll just… yeah.”
Jongdae smirks at him and leans against the edge of the shelf, crossing his arms. “Why are you suddenly searching for books, if you don’t usually come up here?”
“They’re not actually for me,” Joonmyun admits, looking at each title carefully. “I have a group of kids that I tutor, for their literature class. The Messenger is part of their assigned reading, so I figure I should have a copy. The rest are just to inspire some ideas.” Jongdae nods in understanding, taking a couple steps to follow Joonmyun as he moves along the shelf.
“There’s like, 200 people in their lecture, I’m pretty sure? So I think it’s nice for them to have a space that’s maybe a little less intimidating, where they can speak up. First years, you know,” Joonmyun says. “They’re just a little--”
He pauses mid-sentence to frown at the book spines, having gotten to the end of the shelf without finding the book he was looking for. Jongdae follows his gaze, then backs up a little and pulls a book out of the shelf. Joonmyun can see ZUSAK printed on the cover in bold letters, and blinks a few times as Jongdae starts to flip through the pages. He must have missed it, somehow, on his first scan of the bookshelf.
He watches Jongdae’s fingers, trying to remember where his train of thought was going, barely registering when Jongdae pauses on one page and looks up at him. “A little what?” he prompts.
“Anxious,” Joonmyun finally says, and Jongdae nods again.
“It’s nice that you’re helping them out,” he says with a smile, and starts back towards where they had entered the aisle, holding the book up. “I’ll bring this to the check-out desk for you. You can find the others on your own, right?”
Joonmyun nods, staring after him until he turns the corner and disappears from view. He stands there for another few seconds before shaking his head and following him out, ducking into the next aisle. He does his best to focus on the books instead of thinking about Jongdae’s smile, but still needs to go through the entire row twice before he finally picks out three.
It doesn’t end up being as hard as he expected to find his way out of the shelves, and after only a few turns he can see the top of the staircase right where he left it. The check-out desk happens to be right next to it, and Jongdae is waiting there, still flipping through the book he had taken with him. He looks up when Joonmyun gets closer, smiling at him again, and Joonmyun tries not to drop the books before he gets to the counter.
“Have you ever used this before?” Jongdae asks, gesturing to the book scanner on the desk. Joonmyun shakes his head, so Jongdae shows him where to swipe his student card and places the first book cover-down on the scanner glass. He slides it forward until the machine beeps, and the title comes up on the computer monitor beside it. It’s simple enough, but Jongdae offers to scan the other three books for him anyway.
Joonmyun looks around at the rest of the floor while he does. It’s strange how it doesn’t feel as empty as it should, what with he and Jongdae literally being the only ones upstairs. Maybe it’s all the books, Joonmyun supposes, taking up space but still not exactly furniture. He looks back at Jongdae as the machine beeps a fourth time.
“Thank you,” he says quietly, taking the books when Jongdae holds them out to him and tucking them into his bag.
“No problem,” Jongdae chirps. “Is there anything else? Like, finding a book or a section or…?”
“Not today, no,” Joonmyun says, and smiles a little when Jongdae looks hopeful.
“Another day, though?” he asks. “You’ll be back, right?”
“I think I will, yeah,” Joonmyun agrees, then pauses. “But, will you be-- I just mean--”
“Don’t worry,” Jongdae says with a laugh. “I’m in here all the time, it won’t be that hard to find me.”
His bright smile throws Joonmyun for a moment, and he feels the urge once again to reach out and straighten his glasses, even though they aren’t crooked this time. “I’ll see you, then,” he says instead, backing up towards the stairs, and Jongdae waves as he turns around and heads back down.
--
Joonmyun manages to arrive early for tutoring the next day, and takes his time laying out the three books on the table before sitting back with the last one, the copy of The Messenger that Jongdae had found for him. The kids had read it a week or two before, and Joonmyun knew enough of the plot to organize discussions about it, but had never actually read it himself. He scans the back cover and quickly flips through it, but a flash of colour catches his eye and he flicks through carefully until he finds it again.
There’s a sticky note pressed between the pages, near the middle of the book. Joonmyun peels it off the page and squints at the writing on it.
“Your fingers turn the strangeness of these pages that somehow connect my life to yours. Your eyes are safe.”
“What’s that?” Sehun asks, suddenly appearing in the doorway and making Joonmyun jump. He drops his bag on the floor beside his chair and comes around the table to lean over Joonmyun’s shoulder.
“I’m not entirely sure,” Joonmyun says, turning the note over, but there’s nothing written on the back. “It was stuck between the pages.”
“What’s it say?”
Joonmyun holds it up for him to read. “I got the book from the library. Maybe it’s from the last person who signed it out?”
Sehun looks at the note carefully. “It’s a quote,” he says after a moment, “from… somewhere in the novel. I don’t remember what part.”
“Oh,” Joonmyun says. That would explain the quotation marks.
“Maybe they were doing a paper like ours, and left it in by accident.” Frowning, Sehun straightens up with his hands on his hips. “Or it was a librarian. Trying to get kids to read, or something.”
“Maybe,” Joonmyun murmurs, running his fingers over the words. Sehun watches him for a moment before rolling his eyes.
“You’re being weird,” he sighs, going back to his seat and sitting down as the others start to arrive.
“Am not,” Joonmyun says quickly, but takes one more look at the note before tucking it back in the book’s pages and standing up to greet them.
The kids flip through the other three books during class, but no other sticky notes are found. Joonmyun considers the situation as he walks back to the apartment. Maybe it was only a coincidence that the only book with a note inside was the one he’d taken out more for himself than for the kids. He knows that Sehun is right, and it’s probably just something left behind accidentally rather than a secret message of any sort. Even so, the possibility of a connection, however small, thrills him just enough that he doesn’t dispel the idea completely.
He takes the note out once he’s alone in his bedroom, reading the words again before pressing it onto his desk. The stickiness has come off some and it curls a little at one edge, but the writing on it is still clear, and Joonmyun skims the first few pages of the book in an attempt to find the quote in the text. He reads through half a chapter before catching himself and sitting down on his bed, flipping back to the first page and starting from the beginning.
--
On monday, Joonmyun climbs the library staircase with none of the nervousness from the week before. He feels himself smiling before he even gets to the second floor, and starts looking between the bookshelves with The Messenger clutched in his hands. After only a few minutes of peeking around corners, Joonmyun finds Jongdae walking slowly along one shelf, trailing his fingers over the book spines as he goes. He looks up when Joonmyun knocks lightly on the side of the bookcase, pushing his glasses up and immediately breaking into a grin.
“You’re back,” he says cheerfully, abandoning the shelf to trot over to him.
“I am,” Joonmyun agrees, fingers tightening around the book as Jongdae stops in front of him, and he holds it out before he forgets everything else he was going to say. “I came to return this.”
Eyebrows raised, Jongdae glances down at the book. “Did your class not like it?”
“No,” Joonmyun says quickly. “They read it already, so I took it out to read myself.”
Jongdae looks up at him, frowning a little. “So you didn’t like it?”
“No,” Joonmyun says again, before Jongdae’s smile can slip away completely. “It’s-- it was great. I read it over the weekend, I barely put it down.”
“Good.” Jongdae beams at him, taking the book from his hands.
“The kids are still reading the other ones,” Joonmyun explains, trying not to fidget. “But this one, I-- yeah.”
“You know,” Jongdae hums, tapping the book’s cover, “there’s a slot by the check-out desk where you can return books.”
“Oh.” Joonmyun feels his face heating up. “Is there?”
Jongdae just laughs, the sound making butterflies erupt in Joonmyun’s stomach as he follows the other back through the shelves.
The book return is, of course, right where Jongdae said it would be, and he drops Joonmyun’s book through the slot before leaning back against the desk. “So, what else are you here for?”
Joonmyun blinks at him. Jongdae rolls his eyes. “I mean, are you looking for something else to read?”
“Not really,” Joonmyun answers honestly, but continues quickly when Jongdae’s smirk threatens to disappear. “But if you have a suggestion, or something, then maybe…? It’s just, it’s been a while since I’ve, you know.” He looks down, shuffling his feet. “Read something because I wanted to.”
Jongdae narrows his eyes, but he’s smiling, and he pushes off from the counter to approach the closest bookcase. Joonmyun doesn’t hesitate to follow him into the shelves.
It’s nice, trailing just behind Jongdae as he leads the way around all the books. He always seems to know exactly where he’s headed, whereas the mere thought of how many wrong turns could possibly be taken is enough to make Joonmyun a bit dizzy.
Jongdae stops suddenly in the middle of an aisle, and Joonmyun manages to shake himself out of his thoughts before he walks into him again. He watches Jongdae hover around a shelf for a moment before he reaches up and plucks a book out, turning it over in his hands before holding it out to Joonmyun.
“Please Look After Mom?” Joonmyun reads off the cover, raising his eyebrows as he takes the book from him.
Jongdae nods, fixing his glasses where they’re gone a little crooked. “I think you’ll like it.”
“What makes you say so?”
Jongdae just shrugs, smirking again as he turns back the way they had come, and Joonmyun hurries to follow after him. He leads the way back to the check-out desk, stopping in front of the book scanner and waiting for Joonmyun to catch up. “Do you need me to show you how again?” he asks, smirk still in place.
Joonmyun rolls his eyes, nudging him out of the way so he can stand in front of the scanner, then pauses, staring at the monitor screen with the book in his hands.
“Maybe,” Joonmyun says. Jongdae, to his credit, tries his very best not to laugh.
--
Joonmyun leans against the front door when he gets back to the apartment, releasing the happy sigh that’s been building in his chest and smiling to himself. Baekhyun gives him a strange look as he walks past with a cup of noodles, but thankfully doesn’t ask questions, and Joonmyun’s face flushes as he slinks away to his bedroom.
He closes his door behind himself and stands in the middle of the room, a smile creeping back onto his face as his mind drifts to the library once more. The very thought of Jongdae being willing to recommend books to him, of thinking of him enough to consider what books he might like, is enough to make Joonmyun’s heart swell. He takes the new book out before dropping his bag on his desk, doing a double-take when he remembers the sticky note still stuck to the polished surface.
He reads over it once before glancing down at the book in his hands. It wouldn’t hurt to check for another note, would it? The other books he’d taken out hadn’t had anything in them, so this new one shouldn’t either - but as he flips cautiously through it, Joonmyun catches another flash of colour, and pauses to take a second sticky note out from between the pages.
“You're paved in my heart like an old road. Like the pebbles in a pebble field, dirt in dirt, dust in dust, cobwebs in cobwebs.”
Now it’s a bit weird, Joonmyun thinks, pressing the second note onto his desk beside the first and looking at them side by side. What are the chances of him taking out two books in a row that someone had taken out in the past and left these notes in? The idea is a little whimsical, he supposes, but even so, to think that he has some connection with a past reader is… nice.
He smooths his hand over the two bits of paper before settling on his bed with the book and starting to read.
--
Joonmyun ends up being late for tutoring again on Wednesday, having slept through his alarm after staying up late to finish a chapter the night before. On any other morning he would have been able to make up the lost time easily, but Baekhyun and Chanyeol decided to shower together to ‘save time’ - except it took them twice as long as it should have, and Joonmyun had to postpone his entire morning routine while they cleaned up all the water they splashed on the floor.
As he rushes up the stairs, though, he dares hope that the class will be a bit better than last wednesday’s. Or, at least, if no one is face-down on the table today, he’ll assume things are going alright.
Even with his expectations as low as they are, he’s surprised when he opens the door and the kids are all sitting up straight. Mid-conversation, even, though Sehun abruptly stops speaking when he looks up and sees Joonmyun in the doorway, and the other three follow his gaze.
Joonmyun feels a little awkward in the sudden silence with all of their eyes on him, but he crosses the room and carefully puts his bag down beside his chair. “Am I interrupting something?”
“Nope,” Sehun says quickly. The others glance back and forth between him and Joonmyun, but stay quiet.
“Well, if it was nothing important…” Joonmyun trails off, looking around the table. No one seems to have anything to add - except maybe Zitao, who’s staring hard at Sehun, but Sehun is pointedly ignoring him. Joonmyun shrugs and sits down.
“So,” he starts brightly, “have you guys made progress with your papers?”
There’s a noncommittal murmur around the table, as usual. Joonmyun takes it in stride.
“Does anyone have an idea of the direction they want to head in?” Silence. “Anything you’ve got, doesn’t matter how vague--”
“Sehun has a thesis,” Kyungsoo says suddenly, and ducks out of the way as Sehun tries to smack him.
Surprised, Joonmyun blinks at the two of them, watching Sehun’s face flush red before remembering to react. “That’s great,” he says quickly, trying to sound as enthusiastic as possible. “Can you-- if you want, would you mind sharing it?”
Sehun squirms in his chair. “It’s not... an actual thing, yet.”
“That’s okay,” Joonmyun assures him. “Any small idea you have can be developed into something bigger.”
Still not looking entirely convinced, Sehun sits up a little straighter and clears his throat. He keeps his eyes on the table in front of him as he shares his idea. Joonmyun’s heart does a happy jump when he mentions a character from one of the novels he had brought for them from the library the week before, and explains how it had gotten him thinking in the first place. His loose thesis is centered around morality and heroics in their assigned reading, and while Joonmyun knows it could use some work, it’s still a good start.
There’s a moment of silence when Sehun finishes speaking, before Jongin nudges his arm with a smile. “Can I use that for my paper?”
Sehun scoffs and shoves him half out of his chair, but his mouth twists like he’s trying not to smile back. “Shut up, it’s not that good.”
“Is too,” Zitao jumps in, sticking his tongue out when Sehun narrows his eyes at him. “I told you it was.”
With only a little prompting from Joonmyun, the discussion switches from whether or not the idea is good to how it can be made better, and from there they brainstorm together to come up with different routes to take. It lasts all the way until the alarm on Joonmyun’s phone goes off, and even as they pack up to leave, Jongin and Kyungsoo are still bickering about crimefighter tropes. Joonmyun smiles and leans back in his chair as he watches them leave, happy for the progress.
So happy, in fact, that he slips into the library on the way back to his apartment, determined to see Jongdae and thank him for his help with finding the extra books. He goes up the stairs by twos but pauses for a moment, once he reaches the second floor, to again take in how different it is compared to the ground level. Both floors are quiet, the whole building is - but something about the top floor always makes it seem like a certain hush has been drawn over it. Maybe it’s the towering bookcases.
Joonmyun has barely begun walking around and glancing down aisles when he hears a soft ‘oh’ from behind him, and turns around to see Jongdae standing at the top of the staircase, apparently having just come up. He breaks into a wide grin when Joonmyun faces him, and Joonmyun returns it. “Hey.”
“Hey yourself,” Jongdae replies, but his smile doesn’t fade as he walks over. “Looking for something?”
“Yeah,” Joonmyun says. “Uh. You, actually.”
Jongdae raises his eyebrows, and Joonmyun does his best to get the words out before nervousness washes his confidence away. “I wanted to thank you for helping me out last week, pointing me in the right direction? The kids are making progress, and I know it’s at least partly because of the books you helped me find.”
Blushing a little, Jongdae looks away and pushes his glasses up even though they’ve barely slipped down. “It was nothing,” he mumbles to the floor. “It’s more on you for encouraging them and being willing to help, and stuff.” He glances up with a playful smirk. “I just kept you from getting lost.”
“I’m going to make them write you a thank-you card,” Joonmyun says seriously. “They’ll all sign it and everything.”
Jongdae laughs, all shyness dissolved. “Will they personally deliver it, too?”
“That might be asking a bit much,” Joonmyun admits. “I’ll bring it to you myself.” He catches Jongdae shaking his head in disbelief and frowns. “What? I mean it.”
“I’m sure you do,” Jongdae says with another smile, and starts to wander away.
He ducks between the two closest bookcases, only to peek back out after a moment to stare at Joonmyun. “Come on,” he urges, holding his hand out. Joonmyun almost moves to take it, but Jongdae disappears between the shelves again before he can reach. He follows Jongdae anyway.
Their muffled footsteps are the only source of noise once they’re inside, and Joonmyun wonders if it’s safe to assume they’re the only ones on the top floor again. He also wonders if that’s too strange a way to put it - naming the space between the bookshelves as ‘inside’ and putting everything else beyond the staircase into a collective ‘outside’ - but it’s the only way he can describe the impression he gets as he trails after Jongdae. It doesn’t quite feel like they’re in a building on a college campus, more like some sort of book-forest, with shelf-branches on every side of them. Like they’re wandering deeper into a wood, away from the sight and sound of everyone else in the world.
It’s nice, being in the quiet with all these books and Jongdae, watching him stop every now and then to switch the placement of titles around on a shelf, or to pick up one that’s fallen off. He pauses at one point and looks a whole bookcase up and down before stretching up on tiptoe to reach a shelf near the top. His shirt lifts a little, revealing a stripe of pale skin that Joonmyun quickly looks away from.
Jongdae is definitely attractive. Joonmyun is honest enough with himself that he can admit that, but he’s been doing his best to avoid thinking about it. He and Jongdae are just friends, after all - very recent ones at that, and Joonmyun doesn’t think friends are supposed to--
He catches himself staring at Jongdae’s waist anyway, and tears his gaze away just as Jongdae puts both heels back on the floor, apparently satisfied with the shelf’s organization. He continues down the aisle and Joonmyun scurries after him, trying to will away the blush he can feel spreading across his face.
He makes an effort to look around at everything else aside from Jongdae, but there’s really only books. “What section is this?” he asks the next time Jongdae stops.
Jongdae glances around for a moment before looking back at the shelf in front of him. “Eastern European historical non-fiction.”
Joonmyun raises his eyebrows, watching Jongdae trail his fingers over one of the worn book spines. “What are you looking for here?”
“I’m not looking for anything,” Jongdae says, turning to smile at him, then drops his hand and keeps walking.
Joonmyun isn’t sure how much time passes - he doesn’t want to check the clock on his phone for fear of seeming rude or impatient, or at all like he wants to be anywhere else than right where he is - but eventually Jongdae stops again, humming at a shelf before sliding a book out and turning around to hand it to Joonmyun.
“I know you’re not done with the last one I gave you,” he says, straightening his glasses, “but I think you’d like this, too.”
“I’m sure I will.” Joonmyun takes it from him with a smile, glancing at the cover. Self isn’t a title he recognizes, but he would be more surprised if Jongdae handed him something he had read before. “Thank you.”
Jongdae nods, his cheeks a little pink, and Joonmyun opens his mouth to say something else--
‘Hey, let me introduce myself!’ His phone bursts to life in the quiet, making them both jump. ‘Heeeere comes trouble!’
Joonmyun has never regretted letting Baekhyun choose his own personalized ringtone quite as much as he does in this moment. He fumbles the device out of his pocket and unlocks it before the first verse can start, squinting at the text from his roommate demanding takeout for dinner. With a sigh, he shows it to Jongdae, who just laughs and beckons for Joonmyun to follow as he leads the way back to the staircase.
It’s a little weird to see the way back down to the ground floor after being immersed in the shelves for so long, and Joonmyun almost feels light-headed as they walk over to the check-out desk. He lets Jongdae sign Self out for him, even though he’s pretty sure he remembers how to use the machine this time, and smiles as he tucks it into his bag.
“I’ll see you later,” Jongdae says brightly, starting back toward the shelves, but Joonmyun grabs his hand before he can take more than a few steps. He’s not entirely sure why, especially when Jongdae turns back around to look at him, but his fingers tingle a little where their skin presses together.
“What?” Jongdae asks, a tiny smile curling his lips. Joonmyun swallows thickly.
“Just… thank you, again,” he manages. “For the books.”
Jongdae grins, squeezing his fingers the slightest bit. “No problem.”
Joonmyun smiles back, letting Jongdae’s hand slide out of his grip before trying his best not to trip down the stairs on his way out, but he thinks about the pressure on his fingers the whole way home.
one | two
From: moon_things
Title: read yourself to me
Rating: PG
Side pairing/s: baekhyun/chanyeol
Length: 15100 words
Summary: college!au. joonmyun gets lost in the library. jongdae helps him find his way.
Warning/s: none
Notes: i’m pretty sure this fic took years off my life but thankyou for such a nice prompt!! i hope it turned out a way you like~ also thank u to T for betaing, and to everyone who supported me even thought i couldnt tell them the first thing about what i was writing orz
If he’s being entirely honest, Joonmyun will admit that tutoring a group of first year students isn’t exactly what he had in mind for gaining teaching experience. He had been thinking something more along the lines of becoming a TA, but it turns out that ‘I’m a third year undergrad with some detailed recommendation letters’ still isn’t quite as good as being a grad student, and so, he had been given the opportunity to tutor instead.
That’s not to say he doesn’t like tutoring - being able to help out his fellow students makes him feel good, and reminds him why he had decided on a teaching degree in the first place. His tutoring group, four first years with bright eyes and undecided majors, meets after their Literature 101 lecture every Wednesday and Friday in a tiny classroom on the second floor of the college student centre. Most days, Joonmyun arrives early and greets each of the kids as they arrive, but today is not one of those days.
Joonmyun isn’t sure what he expected to see upon entering the classroom a few minutes late with an apology already on his tongue, but it certainly wasn’t this.
All four of the kids seem to be in various states of despair, slumped in their seats around the table in the centre of the room or, in Sehun’s case, leaning face-down on it. Joonmyun knows none of them 100% enjoy their literature class, but usually their reactions to the course weren’t quite so dramatic.
“Would it be too much to assume you’re all heartbroken because I wasn’t on time?” he asks, closing the door quietly and approaching the table.
“If you’d been another ten minutes, we could’ve left early,” Kyungsoo says without looking up.
Joonmyun shrugs and takes the one empty seat left at the table. He learned long ago that getting riled up over their insolence wasn’t worth it, and told himself it was all in good fun. He knows that somewhere deep down, they truly do appreciate him as a tutor. Maybe. “What’s happened?”
“Term papers,” Sehun groans, like the thought alone makes him a bit sick. “Assigned in lecture earlier.”
“Oh,” Joonmyun says, a little surprised. “Is that all?”
Across the table, Zitao stares at him blankly. Joonmyun can see no hope in his eyes. “I-I mean, is that why you all look miserable?”
“Except Jongin,” Kyungsoo says. “He’s just asleep.”
Joonmyun leans forward in his seat, looking around the table. “Writing a paper isn’t that hard, you guys. It’s not the end of the world. What’s your page requirement?”
“Five or six,” Sehun grumbles.
“A short paper, then,” Joonmyun says brightly. The others give him dark looks.
It takes a while, but Joonmyun does eventually manage to get them to feel a little better about the assignment - even Jongin lifts his head to listen, and Joonmyun counts it as a win. “It’s not as hard as you think, I promise,” he says. “Look, I’ll see if I can find other material you can use in your papers. Not scholarly sources, those you have to find by yourselves--” He tunes out the groans of despair that go around the table. “--but maybe other novels with similar themes? If you can draw parallels, it might help your understanding of the books you’ve already read.”
There’s a quiet murmur of agreement, and then Joonmyun’s phone lights up with his end-of-class alarm. “Ah, out of time,” he sighs, and watches the kids heave themselves to their feet and start to pack up their things.
“I’ll bring books for next time, okay? Don’t worry,” he calls to them as they file out. They don’t look quite as awful as they did at the start of class, and Joonmyun hopes they feel better, too.
--
The tutor group is the last thing on his schedule for the day, so Joonmyun heads back to the on-campus residence complex and up three flights of stairs to his small apartment. Baekhyun, his roommate, greets him when he opens the front door, sitting up a little from where he’s sprawled on the couch with an Xbox controller in his hand. Whatever game he’s playing is paused, the TV screen frozen, and there’s a second controller on the coffee table.
“Good day?” Baekhyun asks, slumping back onto the cushions. Joonmyun hums in affirmation as he slips his shoes off and pads into the kitchen.
“The kids are a little stressed,” he sighs, pulling his notebooks and laptop out of his bag and setting them on the table.
Baekhyun peeks at him over the back of the couch. “What about?”
“Term papers,” Joonmyun says, turning around and flipping the coffeemaker on. “Their first ones ever, I think. But from the way they were acting, you’d think they got assigned to write a dissertation.”
Baekhyun snickers at that. “Papers suck no matter what year you’re in, man.”
“Do you remember the first term paper you ever wrote?” Joonmyun asks, leaning back against the counter. “In your first year?”
“Nope,” Baekhyun says. “Blocked it from my memory.”
Joonmyun laughs and turns back around to open the cupboard and find a coffee mug. Someone catches the door when he tries to close it, though, and he looks up to see Chanyeol reaching past him to pull out a second mug and set it down on the counter beside Joonmyun’s. Joonmyun rolls his eyes playfully as Chanyeol heads over to the couch. “I’m making coffee, Chanyeol, would you like some?”
“If you wouldn’t mind,” Chanyeol answers, grinning at him before picking up the second controller and nudging Baekhyun’s legs over so he can sit down. Baekhyun promptly drops his feet in Chanyeol’s lap and unpauses the video game.
Joonmyun filters out all the cartoon-y explosion noises as he watches the coffee pot slowly start to fill up, mind drifting back to his tutor group earlier. He knows he promised to find books for the kids, but he’s never actually gone looking for books on campus before. Ordering novels for course-required reading is a little different, and he doesn’t really want to go to the bookstore to buy something that might not get used.
There is the library, though - Joonmyun has been there a few times to look for sources while writing research papers when online lookups weren’t quite enough. He’s never been in looking for, well, real books, but he’s pretty sure they must have those too. It shouldn’t be too hard to find something that could help the kids generate some ideas for their papers. Tomorrow, he decides, filling the two mugs, he’ll try the library.
He carries one into the living room and moves to put it on the coffee table in front of the couch, but Chanyeol pauses the game and drops his controller to take it from him directly. “Thank you,” he sing-songs, cradling the mug in his hands.
“If we don’t charge you rent, we might start billing you for use of the coffee maker,” Joonmyun sighs.
“And for every time you use one of my mugs,” Baekhyun adds, reaching over to hit the unpause button on Chanyeol’s controller. On-screen, his character starts to beat the shit out of Chanyeol’s, and Chanyeol yelps but sets his drink down carefully before snatching up his controller.
Joonmyun leaves the two of them to whine and laugh at each other and slips away into his bedroom, closing the door on the noise. He doesn’t actually mind Chanyeol being around all the time; without him, Joonmyun would probably get annoyed with Baekhyun far more often. It’s not that Baekhyun is annoying, though, Joonmyun wouldn’t have moved in with him if he was - it’s more that Baekhyun needs something to do all the time, and Joonmyun wishes a little that he could see the value in just sitting and being quiet with another person.
Not that he’s had many opportunities to do that himself, if he’s honest. In the three years he’s been at the college, he’s somehow only managed to make friends with loud people like Baekhyun and Chanyeol, and even romance-wise he hasn’t had much more than a couple post-frat-party one-night-only flings, which didn’t involve much quietness aside from trying to not wake up his roommate.
Joonmyun doesn’t mind, though, not really. It’s not like he’s lonely. But he’ll admit that, maybe, it would be nice to have someone to share silences with.
For now, though, he’ll sit and drink his coffee and think about the library, and be quiet by himself.
--
When he goes in the next day, the library seems bigger than Joonmyun remembers it being. It’s a little jarring to not be able to see the far wall past all the bookcases. There’s a row of computers off to one side for online research and typing things up, as well as a few printers clicking and clacking beyond them. There are sitting areas but they seem mostly full, and there are other people around but they’re all silent, flipping through reference books and whatever other academia is in the shelves. Joonmyun doesn’t remember it being so intimidating.
He spots a staircase further back and starts making his way over, hoping he doesn’t look as out of place as he feels. He’s heard from other people around campus that the upper floor is more like a public library, for courses without set reading lists or students that have time to read for the sake of reading - but as he gets closer, Joonmyun notes that no one seems to be going anywhere near the stairs except himself.
He stops at the foot of them and looks up through the winding metal and glass steps. There has to be something up there, he supposes, and so he swallows his nervousness and starts to climb.
He feels different as soon as he reaches the top step, like he’s transported to an entirely separate building. There’s no sound of tapping keys or flipping pages, as if all the noise from downstairs is muffled by the bookshelves surrounding him. They extend out in a semicircle around the top of the staircase, but when Joonmyun peeks down the aisle between two of them he can only see more rows of books instead of a clear path through to the far wall. He only half remembers the decimal classification system, but this library seems to be organized more like a maze.
Making himself move away from the stairs, Joonmyun approaches the bookcase closest to him and takes a few hesitant steps alongside it. He sneaks a glance back the way he had come, just to check if the shelves had somehow closed on him and locked him between them, but he can still see the staircase, and so he looks forward again and continues to the edge of the aisle. He’s too distracted by the sheer number of books to do anything other than wander, turning corners whenever he comes to them and reminding himself, now and then, to keep an eye out for familiar titles.
He gets more lost than anything. The book spines along the shelf he’s following suddenly aren’t in a language Joonmyun can read, and when he glances around, he realizes he has no idea what section he’s ended up in. Not that he knew where he was when he started, he supposes as he turns around and attempts to retrace his steps. He walks a little faster, eager to get out of the rows of books, but in his haste doesn’t notice another boy coming around a corner until he turns suddenly and collides with him.
They both gasp, startled, and the boy drops a stack of paperbacks on the floor as he jumps back. Even their muffled clatter against the carpeted floor seems loud in the airy quiet, and Joonmyun immediately ducks down to help him pick them up.
“I’m so sorry,” he says, trying to keep his voice down. None of the book covers look bent or creased, at least, and he stands up at the same time as the other boy, taking a moment once they’re both on their feet to look at him properly.
The boy he’s walked into has clipped bangs and a sharp jaw, his lips curled a little at the corners even as he frowns and dusts himself off with one hand. A pair of thick-rimmed glasses are perched crookedly on his nose, and Joonmyun almost reaches out to straighten them but catches himself before he raises his hand. The boy nudges them back into place himself.
“It’s okay,” he says, reaching out to take his books from Joonmyun’s hands. Joonmyun almost forgets to let them go. “You should just walk a little louder, so people can actually hear you coming.”
“But it’s a library,” Joonmyun says, brow furrowing. The boy blinks at him a few times, then laughs.
“We’re probably the only people up here right now,” he tells Joonmyun, gesturing around. “It’s okay to make a little noise when there’s no one to disturb. It’s not like the books are going to get offended.”
“Uh.” Joonmyun rubs the back of his neck. “I… I guess you’re right.”
“You don’t come upstairs much, do you?” the boy muses, and Joonmyun shakes his head. “What are you looking for?”
“A book,” Joonmyun says, fishing in his pocket for the scrap of paper he had written the title on. “Uh, it’s called The Messenger, by Markus Zusak? And maybe others with the same sort of genre, I’m not really sure.”
The boy raises his eyebrows a bit. “Well, you’re in the wrong section, for starters. This is half of science fiction.”
Joonmyun glances around. These shelves of books like pretty much the same as all the other shelves of books that he’s passed. “So how do I get to… whatever section I should be in?”
The boy snickers a little. “Let me go put these away,” he says, gesturing to the paperbacks he’s still holding, “and then I’ll show you.” He starts walking down the aisle, and Joonmyun hurries after him.
“Do you work here?” he asks after a moment, attempting to speak at normal volume instead of the hushed tone he wants to use.
“Nope.” The boy stops in front of one bookshelf and looks it up and down. “Kim Jongdae, second year, not even a lit major.” He glances at Joonmyun. “Yourself?”
“Joonmyun,” Joonmyun says, trying his best not to stutter on his own name. “I’m in my third year, doing a teaching degree.” He catches himself feeling relieved when the other boy - Jongdae, now - hums in interest, even as he slides one of the books onto the shelf. “So, why are you…?” He trails off, watching Jongdae put another book next to the first.
“They were out of place,” Jongdae says with a shrug, taking another couple steps along the shelf before sliding another book in, and continues down the aisle. Joonmyun watches him move, following a few paces behind. He tries not to focus on how Jongdae purses his lips a little when he’s searching for the correct space on a shelf, or how he slides his fingers down the books’ spines after he pushes them into place, but doesn’t quite manage it.
Soon, though, Jongdae’s hands are empty, and he turns to smile at Joonmyun. “Zusak, right?” he asks, and Joonmyun has barely nodded before Jongdae starts off towards a different set of bookcases, looking back just once to beckon for Joonmyun to follow him.
“All of his books should be somewhere in… this shelf,” Jongdae says, leading him past a few openings into other shelved aisles and then stopping decisively at the end of one, lined with full bookcases on either side. “You can probably find some similar novels one row over. It goes by last name.”
“Cool,” Joonmyun says, glancing warily down the aisle at the rows and rows of books before stepping closer and looking up at the bookcase Jongdae gestures to. “Thank you, I’ll just… yeah.”
Jongdae smirks at him and leans against the edge of the shelf, crossing his arms. “Why are you suddenly searching for books, if you don’t usually come up here?”
“They’re not actually for me,” Joonmyun admits, looking at each title carefully. “I have a group of kids that I tutor, for their literature class. The Messenger is part of their assigned reading, so I figure I should have a copy. The rest are just to inspire some ideas.” Jongdae nods in understanding, taking a couple steps to follow Joonmyun as he moves along the shelf.
“There’s like, 200 people in their lecture, I’m pretty sure? So I think it’s nice for them to have a space that’s maybe a little less intimidating, where they can speak up. First years, you know,” Joonmyun says. “They’re just a little--”
He pauses mid-sentence to frown at the book spines, having gotten to the end of the shelf without finding the book he was looking for. Jongdae follows his gaze, then backs up a little and pulls a book out of the shelf. Joonmyun can see ZUSAK printed on the cover in bold letters, and blinks a few times as Jongdae starts to flip through the pages. He must have missed it, somehow, on his first scan of the bookshelf.
He watches Jongdae’s fingers, trying to remember where his train of thought was going, barely registering when Jongdae pauses on one page and looks up at him. “A little what?” he prompts.
“Anxious,” Joonmyun finally says, and Jongdae nods again.
“It’s nice that you’re helping them out,” he says with a smile, and starts back towards where they had entered the aisle, holding the book up. “I’ll bring this to the check-out desk for you. You can find the others on your own, right?”
Joonmyun nods, staring after him until he turns the corner and disappears from view. He stands there for another few seconds before shaking his head and following him out, ducking into the next aisle. He does his best to focus on the books instead of thinking about Jongdae’s smile, but still needs to go through the entire row twice before he finally picks out three.
It doesn’t end up being as hard as he expected to find his way out of the shelves, and after only a few turns he can see the top of the staircase right where he left it. The check-out desk happens to be right next to it, and Jongdae is waiting there, still flipping through the book he had taken with him. He looks up when Joonmyun gets closer, smiling at him again, and Joonmyun tries not to drop the books before he gets to the counter.
“Have you ever used this before?” Jongdae asks, gesturing to the book scanner on the desk. Joonmyun shakes his head, so Jongdae shows him where to swipe his student card and places the first book cover-down on the scanner glass. He slides it forward until the machine beeps, and the title comes up on the computer monitor beside it. It’s simple enough, but Jongdae offers to scan the other three books for him anyway.
Joonmyun looks around at the rest of the floor while he does. It’s strange how it doesn’t feel as empty as it should, what with he and Jongdae literally being the only ones upstairs. Maybe it’s all the books, Joonmyun supposes, taking up space but still not exactly furniture. He looks back at Jongdae as the machine beeps a fourth time.
“Thank you,” he says quietly, taking the books when Jongdae holds them out to him and tucking them into his bag.
“No problem,” Jongdae chirps. “Is there anything else? Like, finding a book or a section or…?”
“Not today, no,” Joonmyun says, and smiles a little when Jongdae looks hopeful.
“Another day, though?” he asks. “You’ll be back, right?”
“I think I will, yeah,” Joonmyun agrees, then pauses. “But, will you be-- I just mean--”
“Don’t worry,” Jongdae says with a laugh. “I’m in here all the time, it won’t be that hard to find me.”
His bright smile throws Joonmyun for a moment, and he feels the urge once again to reach out and straighten his glasses, even though they aren’t crooked this time. “I’ll see you, then,” he says instead, backing up towards the stairs, and Jongdae waves as he turns around and heads back down.
--
Joonmyun manages to arrive early for tutoring the next day, and takes his time laying out the three books on the table before sitting back with the last one, the copy of The Messenger that Jongdae had found for him. The kids had read it a week or two before, and Joonmyun knew enough of the plot to organize discussions about it, but had never actually read it himself. He scans the back cover and quickly flips through it, but a flash of colour catches his eye and he flicks through carefully until he finds it again.
There’s a sticky note pressed between the pages, near the middle of the book. Joonmyun peels it off the page and squints at the writing on it.
“Your fingers turn the strangeness of these pages that somehow connect my life to yours. Your eyes are safe.”
“What’s that?” Sehun asks, suddenly appearing in the doorway and making Joonmyun jump. He drops his bag on the floor beside his chair and comes around the table to lean over Joonmyun’s shoulder.
“I’m not entirely sure,” Joonmyun says, turning the note over, but there’s nothing written on the back. “It was stuck between the pages.”
“What’s it say?”
Joonmyun holds it up for him to read. “I got the book from the library. Maybe it’s from the last person who signed it out?”
Sehun looks at the note carefully. “It’s a quote,” he says after a moment, “from… somewhere in the novel. I don’t remember what part.”
“Oh,” Joonmyun says. That would explain the quotation marks.
“Maybe they were doing a paper like ours, and left it in by accident.” Frowning, Sehun straightens up with his hands on his hips. “Or it was a librarian. Trying to get kids to read, or something.”
“Maybe,” Joonmyun murmurs, running his fingers over the words. Sehun watches him for a moment before rolling his eyes.
“You’re being weird,” he sighs, going back to his seat and sitting down as the others start to arrive.
“Am not,” Joonmyun says quickly, but takes one more look at the note before tucking it back in the book’s pages and standing up to greet them.
The kids flip through the other three books during class, but no other sticky notes are found. Joonmyun considers the situation as he walks back to the apartment. Maybe it was only a coincidence that the only book with a note inside was the one he’d taken out more for himself than for the kids. He knows that Sehun is right, and it’s probably just something left behind accidentally rather than a secret message of any sort. Even so, the possibility of a connection, however small, thrills him just enough that he doesn’t dispel the idea completely.
He takes the note out once he’s alone in his bedroom, reading the words again before pressing it onto his desk. The stickiness has come off some and it curls a little at one edge, but the writing on it is still clear, and Joonmyun skims the first few pages of the book in an attempt to find the quote in the text. He reads through half a chapter before catching himself and sitting down on his bed, flipping back to the first page and starting from the beginning.
--
On monday, Joonmyun climbs the library staircase with none of the nervousness from the week before. He feels himself smiling before he even gets to the second floor, and starts looking between the bookshelves with The Messenger clutched in his hands. After only a few minutes of peeking around corners, Joonmyun finds Jongdae walking slowly along one shelf, trailing his fingers over the book spines as he goes. He looks up when Joonmyun knocks lightly on the side of the bookcase, pushing his glasses up and immediately breaking into a grin.
“You’re back,” he says cheerfully, abandoning the shelf to trot over to him.
“I am,” Joonmyun agrees, fingers tightening around the book as Jongdae stops in front of him, and he holds it out before he forgets everything else he was going to say. “I came to return this.”
Eyebrows raised, Jongdae glances down at the book. “Did your class not like it?”
“No,” Joonmyun says quickly. “They read it already, so I took it out to read myself.”
Jongdae looks up at him, frowning a little. “So you didn’t like it?”
“No,” Joonmyun says again, before Jongdae’s smile can slip away completely. “It’s-- it was great. I read it over the weekend, I barely put it down.”
“Good.” Jongdae beams at him, taking the book from his hands.
“The kids are still reading the other ones,” Joonmyun explains, trying not to fidget. “But this one, I-- yeah.”
“You know,” Jongdae hums, tapping the book’s cover, “there’s a slot by the check-out desk where you can return books.”
“Oh.” Joonmyun feels his face heating up. “Is there?”
Jongdae just laughs, the sound making butterflies erupt in Joonmyun’s stomach as he follows the other back through the shelves.
The book return is, of course, right where Jongdae said it would be, and he drops Joonmyun’s book through the slot before leaning back against the desk. “So, what else are you here for?”
Joonmyun blinks at him. Jongdae rolls his eyes. “I mean, are you looking for something else to read?”
“Not really,” Joonmyun answers honestly, but continues quickly when Jongdae’s smirk threatens to disappear. “But if you have a suggestion, or something, then maybe…? It’s just, it’s been a while since I’ve, you know.” He looks down, shuffling his feet. “Read something because I wanted to.”
Jongdae narrows his eyes, but he’s smiling, and he pushes off from the counter to approach the closest bookcase. Joonmyun doesn’t hesitate to follow him into the shelves.
It’s nice, trailing just behind Jongdae as he leads the way around all the books. He always seems to know exactly where he’s headed, whereas the mere thought of how many wrong turns could possibly be taken is enough to make Joonmyun a bit dizzy.
Jongdae stops suddenly in the middle of an aisle, and Joonmyun manages to shake himself out of his thoughts before he walks into him again. He watches Jongdae hover around a shelf for a moment before he reaches up and plucks a book out, turning it over in his hands before holding it out to Joonmyun.
“Please Look After Mom?” Joonmyun reads off the cover, raising his eyebrows as he takes the book from him.
Jongdae nods, fixing his glasses where they’re gone a little crooked. “I think you’ll like it.”
“What makes you say so?”
Jongdae just shrugs, smirking again as he turns back the way they had come, and Joonmyun hurries to follow after him. He leads the way back to the check-out desk, stopping in front of the book scanner and waiting for Joonmyun to catch up. “Do you need me to show you how again?” he asks, smirk still in place.
Joonmyun rolls his eyes, nudging him out of the way so he can stand in front of the scanner, then pauses, staring at the monitor screen with the book in his hands.
“Maybe,” Joonmyun says. Jongdae, to his credit, tries his very best not to laugh.
--
Joonmyun leans against the front door when he gets back to the apartment, releasing the happy sigh that’s been building in his chest and smiling to himself. Baekhyun gives him a strange look as he walks past with a cup of noodles, but thankfully doesn’t ask questions, and Joonmyun’s face flushes as he slinks away to his bedroom.
He closes his door behind himself and stands in the middle of the room, a smile creeping back onto his face as his mind drifts to the library once more. The very thought of Jongdae being willing to recommend books to him, of thinking of him enough to consider what books he might like, is enough to make Joonmyun’s heart swell. He takes the new book out before dropping his bag on his desk, doing a double-take when he remembers the sticky note still stuck to the polished surface.
He reads over it once before glancing down at the book in his hands. It wouldn’t hurt to check for another note, would it? The other books he’d taken out hadn’t had anything in them, so this new one shouldn’t either - but as he flips cautiously through it, Joonmyun catches another flash of colour, and pauses to take a second sticky note out from between the pages.
“You're paved in my heart like an old road. Like the pebbles in a pebble field, dirt in dirt, dust in dust, cobwebs in cobwebs.”
Now it’s a bit weird, Joonmyun thinks, pressing the second note onto his desk beside the first and looking at them side by side. What are the chances of him taking out two books in a row that someone had taken out in the past and left these notes in? The idea is a little whimsical, he supposes, but even so, to think that he has some connection with a past reader is… nice.
He smooths his hand over the two bits of paper before settling on his bed with the book and starting to read.
--
Joonmyun ends up being late for tutoring again on Wednesday, having slept through his alarm after staying up late to finish a chapter the night before. On any other morning he would have been able to make up the lost time easily, but Baekhyun and Chanyeol decided to shower together to ‘save time’ - except it took them twice as long as it should have, and Joonmyun had to postpone his entire morning routine while they cleaned up all the water they splashed on the floor.
As he rushes up the stairs, though, he dares hope that the class will be a bit better than last wednesday’s. Or, at least, if no one is face-down on the table today, he’ll assume things are going alright.
Even with his expectations as low as they are, he’s surprised when he opens the door and the kids are all sitting up straight. Mid-conversation, even, though Sehun abruptly stops speaking when he looks up and sees Joonmyun in the doorway, and the other three follow his gaze.
Joonmyun feels a little awkward in the sudden silence with all of their eyes on him, but he crosses the room and carefully puts his bag down beside his chair. “Am I interrupting something?”
“Nope,” Sehun says quickly. The others glance back and forth between him and Joonmyun, but stay quiet.
“Well, if it was nothing important…” Joonmyun trails off, looking around the table. No one seems to have anything to add - except maybe Zitao, who’s staring hard at Sehun, but Sehun is pointedly ignoring him. Joonmyun shrugs and sits down.
“So,” he starts brightly, “have you guys made progress with your papers?”
There’s a noncommittal murmur around the table, as usual. Joonmyun takes it in stride.
“Does anyone have an idea of the direction they want to head in?” Silence. “Anything you’ve got, doesn’t matter how vague--”
“Sehun has a thesis,” Kyungsoo says suddenly, and ducks out of the way as Sehun tries to smack him.
Surprised, Joonmyun blinks at the two of them, watching Sehun’s face flush red before remembering to react. “That’s great,” he says quickly, trying to sound as enthusiastic as possible. “Can you-- if you want, would you mind sharing it?”
Sehun squirms in his chair. “It’s not... an actual thing, yet.”
“That’s okay,” Joonmyun assures him. “Any small idea you have can be developed into something bigger.”
Still not looking entirely convinced, Sehun sits up a little straighter and clears his throat. He keeps his eyes on the table in front of him as he shares his idea. Joonmyun’s heart does a happy jump when he mentions a character from one of the novels he had brought for them from the library the week before, and explains how it had gotten him thinking in the first place. His loose thesis is centered around morality and heroics in their assigned reading, and while Joonmyun knows it could use some work, it’s still a good start.
There’s a moment of silence when Sehun finishes speaking, before Jongin nudges his arm with a smile. “Can I use that for my paper?”
Sehun scoffs and shoves him half out of his chair, but his mouth twists like he’s trying not to smile back. “Shut up, it’s not that good.”
“Is too,” Zitao jumps in, sticking his tongue out when Sehun narrows his eyes at him. “I told you it was.”
With only a little prompting from Joonmyun, the discussion switches from whether or not the idea is good to how it can be made better, and from there they brainstorm together to come up with different routes to take. It lasts all the way until the alarm on Joonmyun’s phone goes off, and even as they pack up to leave, Jongin and Kyungsoo are still bickering about crimefighter tropes. Joonmyun smiles and leans back in his chair as he watches them leave, happy for the progress.
So happy, in fact, that he slips into the library on the way back to his apartment, determined to see Jongdae and thank him for his help with finding the extra books. He goes up the stairs by twos but pauses for a moment, once he reaches the second floor, to again take in how different it is compared to the ground level. Both floors are quiet, the whole building is - but something about the top floor always makes it seem like a certain hush has been drawn over it. Maybe it’s the towering bookcases.
Joonmyun has barely begun walking around and glancing down aisles when he hears a soft ‘oh’ from behind him, and turns around to see Jongdae standing at the top of the staircase, apparently having just come up. He breaks into a wide grin when Joonmyun faces him, and Joonmyun returns it. “Hey.”
“Hey yourself,” Jongdae replies, but his smile doesn’t fade as he walks over. “Looking for something?”
“Yeah,” Joonmyun says. “Uh. You, actually.”
Jongdae raises his eyebrows, and Joonmyun does his best to get the words out before nervousness washes his confidence away. “I wanted to thank you for helping me out last week, pointing me in the right direction? The kids are making progress, and I know it’s at least partly because of the books you helped me find.”
Blushing a little, Jongdae looks away and pushes his glasses up even though they’ve barely slipped down. “It was nothing,” he mumbles to the floor. “It’s more on you for encouraging them and being willing to help, and stuff.” He glances up with a playful smirk. “I just kept you from getting lost.”
“I’m going to make them write you a thank-you card,” Joonmyun says seriously. “They’ll all sign it and everything.”
Jongdae laughs, all shyness dissolved. “Will they personally deliver it, too?”
“That might be asking a bit much,” Joonmyun admits. “I’ll bring it to you myself.” He catches Jongdae shaking his head in disbelief and frowns. “What? I mean it.”
“I’m sure you do,” Jongdae says with another smile, and starts to wander away.
He ducks between the two closest bookcases, only to peek back out after a moment to stare at Joonmyun. “Come on,” he urges, holding his hand out. Joonmyun almost moves to take it, but Jongdae disappears between the shelves again before he can reach. He follows Jongdae anyway.
Their muffled footsteps are the only source of noise once they’re inside, and Joonmyun wonders if it’s safe to assume they’re the only ones on the top floor again. He also wonders if that’s too strange a way to put it - naming the space between the bookshelves as ‘inside’ and putting everything else beyond the staircase into a collective ‘outside’ - but it’s the only way he can describe the impression he gets as he trails after Jongdae. It doesn’t quite feel like they’re in a building on a college campus, more like some sort of book-forest, with shelf-branches on every side of them. Like they’re wandering deeper into a wood, away from the sight and sound of everyone else in the world.
It’s nice, being in the quiet with all these books and Jongdae, watching him stop every now and then to switch the placement of titles around on a shelf, or to pick up one that’s fallen off. He pauses at one point and looks a whole bookcase up and down before stretching up on tiptoe to reach a shelf near the top. His shirt lifts a little, revealing a stripe of pale skin that Joonmyun quickly looks away from.
Jongdae is definitely attractive. Joonmyun is honest enough with himself that he can admit that, but he’s been doing his best to avoid thinking about it. He and Jongdae are just friends, after all - very recent ones at that, and Joonmyun doesn’t think friends are supposed to--
He catches himself staring at Jongdae’s waist anyway, and tears his gaze away just as Jongdae puts both heels back on the floor, apparently satisfied with the shelf’s organization. He continues down the aisle and Joonmyun scurries after him, trying to will away the blush he can feel spreading across his face.
He makes an effort to look around at everything else aside from Jongdae, but there’s really only books. “What section is this?” he asks the next time Jongdae stops.
Jongdae glances around for a moment before looking back at the shelf in front of him. “Eastern European historical non-fiction.”
Joonmyun raises his eyebrows, watching Jongdae trail his fingers over one of the worn book spines. “What are you looking for here?”
“I’m not looking for anything,” Jongdae says, turning to smile at him, then drops his hand and keeps walking.
Joonmyun isn’t sure how much time passes - he doesn’t want to check the clock on his phone for fear of seeming rude or impatient, or at all like he wants to be anywhere else than right where he is - but eventually Jongdae stops again, humming at a shelf before sliding a book out and turning around to hand it to Joonmyun.
“I know you’re not done with the last one I gave you,” he says, straightening his glasses, “but I think you’d like this, too.”
“I’m sure I will.” Joonmyun takes it from him with a smile, glancing at the cover. Self isn’t a title he recognizes, but he would be more surprised if Jongdae handed him something he had read before. “Thank you.”
Jongdae nods, his cheeks a little pink, and Joonmyun opens his mouth to say something else--
‘Hey, let me introduce myself!’ His phone bursts to life in the quiet, making them both jump. ‘Heeeere comes trouble!’
Joonmyun has never regretted letting Baekhyun choose his own personalized ringtone quite as much as he does in this moment. He fumbles the device out of his pocket and unlocks it before the first verse can start, squinting at the text from his roommate demanding takeout for dinner. With a sigh, he shows it to Jongdae, who just laughs and beckons for Joonmyun to follow as he leads the way back to the staircase.
It’s a little weird to see the way back down to the ground floor after being immersed in the shelves for so long, and Joonmyun almost feels light-headed as they walk over to the check-out desk. He lets Jongdae sign Self out for him, even though he’s pretty sure he remembers how to use the machine this time, and smiles as he tucks it into his bag.
“I’ll see you later,” Jongdae says brightly, starting back toward the shelves, but Joonmyun grabs his hand before he can take more than a few steps. He’s not entirely sure why, especially when Jongdae turns back around to look at him, but his fingers tingle a little where their skin presses together.
“What?” Jongdae asks, a tiny smile curling his lips. Joonmyun swallows thickly.
“Just… thank you, again,” he manages. “For the books.”
Jongdae grins, squeezing his fingers the slightest bit. “No problem.”
Joonmyun smiles back, letting Jongdae’s hand slide out of his grip before trying his best not to trip down the stairs on his way out, but he thinks about the pressure on his fingers the whole way home.
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