P062: Define (just this once)
From: fallendevil_17
Title: Define (just this once)
Prompt Code: P062
Rating: PG-13
Side Pairing(s): Baekhyun/Chanyeol, Kris/Lay
Length: 6925 words
Summary: Kim Junmyeon hates labelling. But when Kim Jongdae walks out of his life, he begins to ponder, has his fear of labelling actually cost him his best friend and also, perhaps the very one that he wants to spend the rest of his life with?
Warnings: A few curse words here and there
Notes: Hello! It’s my first time writing for a fic fest and I am really honored to participate in this wonderful event. First of all, I want to thank Critcap Mods for your patience in dealing with my questions and my late work submission tendency. I would also like to thank my friend, Laura, for beta-reading and providing great advice to improve the story. Dear prompter, your prompt is beautiful and I’m sorry I butchered your prompt. I hope you would still enjoy this piece of writing. And to dear readers who are reading this, thank you for reading and do leave comments! I do appreciate constructive criticism! ^^
Kim Junmyeon hated labeling. The act of attaching a label or name to something or someone did not sit well with him. He was fine with labels on objects such as clothing, shoes or cereals because one, they were inanimate objects and two, brands made these items distinguishable from one to another, whether quality or quantity-wise because one could have so many items for one category i.e. clothing.
No, Kim Junmyeon hated labeling people and relationships. He hated it when heterosexual people pigeonholed LGBTQ+ people as if they knew everything there was about sexuality, and God knew how much he wanted to lash out every single time when people around him told him ‘being gay’ was just ‘a phase’ or ‘a current trend’, and that he should learn to ‘grow up’ and settle down with a nice, pretty girl. Despite his own justification that these people would not understand the struggles of being homosexual, hence the quick dismissal, it was hard to rid of the resentment in his heart. He loathed the fact that people were so quick to establish labels for each other i.e. ‘brother’ or ‘best friend’ or ‘lover’ because if there was one valuable lesson he learned throughout 22 years of his life, it was that people would, if not mostly, leave you once you label them. It was never just about giving them addressing terms in your contacts; labeling was putting your guard down and allowing them to enter your life, and with it, came the expectations of wanting them to place you as their priorities or at the very least, someone who was significant enough to be cared for, and also hoping that they would not hurt you, physically and mentally. But after spending eighteen years of his life searching, wanting and expecting which eventually led to nothing but immense pain and hurt, Junmyeon decided to leave people and relationships undefined, as he feared history was only going to repeat itself.
But when Kim Jongdae walked out of his life, he began to ponder, did his fear of defining actually cost him his best friend and also, perhaps the very one that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with?
**
It all started on that April night when Baekhyun returned from his three months exchange program in Japan. Ecstatic to have his boyfriend back home, Chanyeol had dragged them along to join his plan to throw a welcome home party for him.
After fetching Baekhyun from the airport, they headed to Chanyeol’s family restaurant where Mrs. Park was waiting for them with huge servings of Korean dishes. She was probably as excited as Chanyeol about Baekhyun’s return. The elder had always been very fond of Baekhyun even when Baekhyun and Chanyeol were yet to be official, constantly patting him on the cheeks and secretly giving Baekhyun a bigger portion of food. Junmyeon couldn’t blame her for doting on him. Despite Baekhyun was consistently annoying and at times, blunt, he was a ray of sunshine that never failed to put a smile on their faces with his silly antics and puns.
After thanking Mrs. Park for the wonderful dinner, Chanyeol, who seemed determined to feed Baekhyun with every dish existed in their culture, drove them all the way to Hongdae for street food. They were first against the idea of eating again after such a heavy meal but changed their minds as soon as Chanyeol offered to pay for their meals. Eventually, they ended up in a tteoboki shop nursing three bottles of soju and a plate of half-eaten tteoboki left unattended.
Baekhyun filled Junmyeon’s empty glass before emptying the last bottle into his own glass. “So how’s life, Junmyeon? Are you seeing anyone recently?” Junmyeon could have choked if he had downed that remaining soju in his glass.
“You were only gone for three months, Baekhyun.” Junmyeon rolled his eyes at Baekhyun, shaking his head at Baekhyun’s ridiculous question. He seemed to forget that Kim Junmyeon didn’t do relationships. “You talk as if you’ve been in Japan for years.” The latter ignored Junmyeon. “Now, three months is a long time. Anything can happen within these periods. Are you sure?”
Junmyeon heaved a sigh. “Yes, Baekhyun. I am single as fuck.”
“Why not? There are plenty of good-looking gay guys in our university.” Baekhyun leaned against his boyfriend looking like a sick puppy in love. “Perhaps they are not as handsome as our Yeollie here but I’m sure there are a few potential candidates.” Baekhyun took out his phone and began to scroll his long list of good looking guys. "I can hook up with either one of them."
“I suggest you quit Linguistics and work with the matchmaking company instead." Junmyeon sarcastically replied, feeding himself another piece of the tteoboki. His eyes unconsciously moved toward Jongdae who was sipping on his soju. He realized how Jongdae would turn awfully quiet when they talked about Junmyeon’s relationship status.
Baekhyun huffed. “I am not drunk.” He then turned to his next victim. “Now, now, how about my one and only gay best friend? Still single, I presume?”
Jongdae hadn’t said anything but he was wearing a seemingly calm look on his face, his gaze shifting from Baekhyun to Chanyeol and Junmyeon, before placing his glass on the table.
“I am seeing someone.” Their eyes were wide and their jaws dropped, unable to say anything as they tried to absorb the new piece of information. Junmyeon felt his heart lurched into the deepest pit of hell.
Baekhyun was the first of them to recover from the shock. “Who the hell are you seeing?”
“Yixing.”
Baekhyun placed both his hands on both sides of his cheeks as he mouthed ‘Oh My God’. “You are fucking kidding me right?” Jongdae shook his head. “Please don’t tell me it’s the Zhang Yixing from the Faculty of Performing Arts.”
Jongdae gave a curt nod before reaching his glass of soju and taking another sip from it, stealing glances at Junmyeon from time to time.
“What the hell?” Baekhyun spluttered. “How long have you been together?”
Jongdae shrugged. “Two months, I think.”
Baekhyun looked scandalized. "Don't you 'I think' me! I am your best friend, Kim Jongdae! How could you not tell me about this?”
“It’s not that big of a deal.” Baekhyun jabbed a finger at Jongdae’s arm. “Of course it is! You’ve been in the forever-alone-zone since the day I know you and now you are telling me that you are dating the hottest guy in the entire SM university?!” Yixing was one of the popular guys in their university. Junmyeon only spoke to him a few times on several occasions but he knew enough that Yixing’s gentle personality and good looks were attractive to the extent that girls and guys formed Facebook fan pages for him, falling head over heels for him. If Junmyeon had any self-esteem to begin with, it would vanish into thin air at this point.
Baekhyun threw Junmyeon an accusing look. “Did you know anything about this?”
“No, I don’t know any of this.” Junmyeon threw a look akin to betrayal toward Jongdae. He knew that Jongdae was not obligated to report about his life to him but it still stung to know that he had kept this a secret for three freaking months. All these while, Junmyeon thought they had… something. He felt stupid for even allowing himself to entertain such thoughts.
“We thought we should wait for our relationship to be stable until we announce it, you know.” Jongdae said in a nonchalant manner, but there was something off about his voice. “We are still trying to get to know each other.”
“Kim Jongdae,” For a second, Baekhyun actually looked genuinely impressed. “You actually snatch the golden bachelor from the Faculty of Performing Arts.”
Jongdae faked a laugh before throwing a sarcastic ‘thank you’.
“But jokes aside,” Baekhyun shrugged. “I am happy for you, buddy.” Baekhyun diverted his attention back to Junmyeon. “Now is your turn, buddy.”
“I don’t do relationships, Baekhyun, you know that.”
“Yes, we all do.” Jongdae spoke quietly. Bombarded by sudden guilt, Junmyeon kept quiet, downing another shot of soju.
**
Junmyeon was not a newbie in relationships. Before the whole I-do-not-want-to-label-things situation, he was in a few relationships, both men and women. He knew what the fluttering feelings in his stomach meant when Jongdae smiled at him, wishing him ‘Good morning’ as he handed him his daily dose of freshly grounded coffee. He knew the reason his heart skipped a beat whenever Jongdae touched him, leaving him with a warm tingling feeling over his skin. It required so much of Junmyeon’s self-control to not kiss Jongdae when his eyes met upon Jongdae’s fervent gaze during their late night chats. And unfortunately, he also knew exactly why this pang of bitterness and jealousy emerged and killing him slowly from within when Jongdae announced that he was dating someone else, a person who was so much better-looking and more deserving of Jongdae than he was.
In all honesty, Junmyeon felt betrayed which was funny considering that they were never in a relationship. They never clarify what they had, or what Junmyeon thought they had really meant to them. Just like the way Junmyeon wanted it to be, undefined. Technically, Jongdae didn’t ‘betray’ him. He was at liberty to date anyone that he wanted. But no matter how Junmyeon tried to reason with himself, he just couldn’t shake off this awful feeling similar to being dumped.
Not knowing how to deal with his emotions, or, more accurately, how to face Jongdae without bursting out, Junmyeon did what he always did best when it came to interpersonal relationships: avoidance. He made it a point to wake up earlier than Jongdae every morning, even those days when he didn’t have morning classes, so he wouldn’t need to eat breakfast with the latter lie they would always do. He would hide in the most secluded corner in the library during lunch hours so that no one could find him including Baekhyun because he knew the younger would drag him to have lunch with Jongdae and Yixing, a new addition to their group since he and Jongdae became official. Junmyeon shuddered at the thought of third-wheeling two couples. Back in the apartment that he shared with Jongdae, he would lock himself in the room, pretending to sleep or looking preoccupied with his assignments so that he wouldn’t need to talk to Jongdae when the latter came knocking at his bedroom door.
Junmyeon knew he was being immature but he despised the idea of confronting Jongdae for he didn’t want to lose him (‘his best friend’, the voice at the back of his mind whispered despite his best effort of not labeling). But what could he do? He couldn’t act as if the fact that Jongdae is in a relationship with Yixing wasn’t bothering him because it did. Jongdae’s smiling eyes and boisterous laughter when he was with Yixing only served as a reminder that it could have been him. Never had Junmyeon wished that he could turn back to the time when everything was so much simpler.
A week followed after another and Junmyeon continued to run from Jongdae. The latter, however, had enough of his antics and the confrontation that Junmyeon had dreaded eventually came.
**
It was one of those days where Junmyeon was heading out to campus, trying his best to leave the house before bumping into his housemate. He was picking up his pair of blue Converse from the shoe rack when someone grabbed him by his wrist. Junmyeon whirled around and met Jongdae’s resolute gaze.
“Uhm, why are you awake this early?” Junmyeon tried to use humor to escape from this situation but Jongdae clearly wasn’t going to let him go this easy.
“We need to talk.”
“But I have…”
“Don’t lie. You don’t have class until 10 a.m.” Junmyeon pursed his lips tight, cheeks slightly colored upon getting caught for lying.
“Junmyeon, you’ve been avoiding me ever since that dinner night with Baek and Yeol. I want to know what’s wrong.” His voice was heavy with exhaustion. “Have I done something wrong?”
“Nothing." Junmyeon paused as he swallowed his saliva. “There’s nothing wrong, Jongdae.”
Jongdae ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “Please, Kim Junmyeon! I’ve known you for five years and you running away to avoid confrontation is definitely an obvious statement saying that something’s wrong!”
Junmyeon glared at his friend, shaking off his hands with more force than necessary. “Don’t act as if you know me so well!”
Jongdae sneered at him. “You know what? Yes, I do know you so well that I put up with your bullshit for five years!”
“No one asks you to!”
“Yes! Guess what? I am the idiot who puts up with all your shit because I like you so much that I hadn’t got the guts to confess!” Junmyeon’s eyes turned as wide as saucer plates, unable to believe what he had just heard.
“Don’t act surprised, Kim Junmyeon!” Jongdae pushed Junmyeon so hard that he stumbled a few steps back. “You know I like you! I like you more than I should! Heck, I’ve been in love with you for five years but no matter how hard I tried to win your heart, you just never let me in. You never let anyone else in, Junmyeon.”
Junmyeon looked into his glistened eyes. “You are afraid of getting yourself hurt, so you run away from us, from everyone you know, so that we couldn’t even come close to you. I tried chasing you for five years, Junmyeon but you never look back, not even once.” He ran his fingers through his hair again, heaving a deep sigh. “But I’m just human, Junmyeon. I get tired, too. And I’m tired of running after you, Junmyeon. I’m just exhausted.”
Junmyeon opened and closed his mouth but there were no sounds coming out from his mouth.
“Now that I finally met someone who would actually stop and care for my well-being, you get all possessive and angry because you think I should continue to revolve around you like I always did.” Jongdae’s gaze was filled with so much rage that Junmyeon was almost terrified for himself. He had never seen Jongdae so furious before. “Well, let me tell you something, Kim Junmyeon. You are the most selfish person I’ve ever met and I am done chasing you around.”
With that, Jongdae stormed out of the house, the door slammed shut with such a loud ‘Bang’ that the entire floor could hear.
And Junmyeon knew he had screwed up big time.
**
“What’s up with you and Jongdae?” Baekhyun eyed him when Junmyeon slumped at the seat next to him during their Contemporary Literature class.
“Nothing.” Junmyeon answered distractedly, scanning through the large crowd of student slowly shuffling into the auditorium for the sign of Jongdae. After their fight in the morning, Junmyeon hadn’t seen Jongdae at all. He was hoping to see him in this class, the only class they had together for the day, even if it would be awkward to see each other after what was probably the biggest quarrel that they ever had in their five years of friendship.
“Jongdae’s not coming. He texted me saying he’s going to skip this class.” Junmyeon bit his lips. He was really in trouble this time. “And Kim Jongdae, the biggest literature nerd would never skip Literature classes.” Baekhyun huffed. “Junmyeon, what did you do to Jongdae?”
“I didn’t do anything!” Junmyeon snapped, finally losing his patience. He knew he was in deep shit and Baekhyun’s accusing tone wasn’t helping the case.
Their argument had caused a commotion, catching the attention of the lecturer and most of the students in the auditorium who were now staring at them in surprise.
"Is there anything you want to share with us?" The lecturer looked at them with a skeptical look.
"No, sir." Jumyeon and Baekhyun replied, looking embarassed.
Satisfied with their answer, the lecturer resumed his lecture and the students diverted their attention to the lecturer.
Junmyeon held up his textbook and hid his face behind it, whispering in the lowest voice he could manage. "I didn't do anything."
Baekhyun threw him a judging look. “Of course, those past weeks of you avoiding Jongdae like a plague definitely did not hurt his feelings.”
“I….” Junmyeon contemplated whether he should explain himself to Baekhyun but changed his mind seeing how it wasn’t going to improve the situation. “Forget about it.”
“Junmyeon, you are being unfair.” And there it was that familiar exhausted expression on his face, the one so similar to Jongdae. It irked Junmyeon. Was he that tiresome to deal with? If they knew him so well, why wouldn’t they understand what he was going through? Did they really think he was enjoying going through all these?
“What do you want me to do then?” Junmyeon hissed. “Well, I’m sorry that I am not a selfless person who can act indifferent when the person I have feelings for is in a relationship with someone else!”
Baekhyun stared at Junmyeon for a long time with an indescribable expression. He then forcefully dragged Junmyeon out of the class with no regards to whether Junmyeon agreed or not. For someone as small as Baekhyun, his strength was no joke.
Not wanting to cause a scene again, he let him drag him to an empty classroom at the end of the corridor. When they were finally alone, Junmyeon jerked his hands off Baekhyun’s grasp.
“What do you want from me, Baekhyun?” Junmyeon massaged his wrist that was previously gripped by Baekhyun, his eyes averted towards the floor.
“Go get him back.”
Junmyeon narrowed his eyes. “What are you talking about?”
“If you said you like him so much, then go get Jongdae back. Tell him that you like him and that you want to be with him.”
“It’s not that simple, Baekhyun.” Relationships meant more than just feelings. There were issues of commitment and compatibility. There were just so much at stake.
“It is, Junmyeon. You are the one who makes it complicated for yourself and Jongdae.”
“I…”
“Jongdae has signed up for the six months teaching internship in China. He’ll be flying to China with Yixing for the day after tomorrow.” Junmyeon’s face paled in shock. “He wanted to tell you in person but you’ve been busy running away from him that he didn’t get the chance to do so.”
Baekhyun placed a hand on his shoulder. “Junmyeon, you need to stop thinking for yourself once. The poor guy’s been running after you for five years. Anyone can get tired of waiting, Junmyeon.” The earnest look on Baekhyun’s face scared Junmyeon even more. “You need to tell him what you feel, or you are going to lose him forever.”
**
Standing at the door, Junmyeon watched Jongdae packed his belongings into his bright orange luggage. When Jongdae first bought that luggage, Junmyeon had expressed his dislike for its obnoxious color. But Junmyeon hated it even more now as it reminded how his best friend was leaving him tomorrow.
Junmyeon gave a rasp knock on the door. Jongdae took a quick glance at him, but paid no heed to him as he continued with his packing, almost as if he already knew that Junmyeon had been watching him all these while from the door. Taking slow, deliberate steps into the room, Junmyeon glanced around. It was almost empty save from a few photographs pinned against the stick board on his study desk.
“Jongdae, can we talk?
“I am listening.” Junmyeon grabbed Jongdae’s wrist, causing the other to stop and glare at him.
“I just need ten minutes. You can continue packing when I’m done.” His tone was gentle in an attempt to persuade Jongdae but it seemed unnecessary seeing how the latter was already sitting on the bed, ready to listen to whatever Junmyeon had to say.
The man settled next to his friend, leaving a small gap between them in case he was making Jongdae uncomfortable. “I am here to apologize, Jongdae.” The other man said nothing. Junmyeon took his silence as a sign to continue. “I’m sorry for being an asshole of a friend for the past few weeks.”
When Jongdae turned to look at him, Junmyeon could finally take a good look at his friend for the first time in weeks and he didn’t like what he saw. The dark circles beneath Jongdae’s eyes were more prominent than before and his eyes no longer had the playful glint, replaced by weariness and gloom. Junmyeon was wrong to think he was the only one who was affected by all these emotional turmoil.
“You were right. I am a selfish asshole who leads you on because I want your undivided attention on me.” Junmyeon swallowed the lump in his throat. “Remember that late night chat when I told you that I don’t like to define things?”
Jongdae nodded. “You said labels are for clothes, not for humans.”
Junmyeon’s lips curled into a small smile, pleased that Jongdae actually remembered what he had said to him. “The truth is each time I place a label on someone or on the relationship that I had with the person, I can’t help but develop expectations towards them. I expected them to hold a special place in their heart as I did; I banked on the hope that they wouldn’t hurt me and that they would love me as much as I could love them. But in the end, these expectations were the very things that have ruined me in every way a person can be destroyed.”
Junmyeon folded his right arm across his chest and instinctively rubbed his elbow in a continuous motion. “So, I told myself, no label would mean no expectations, and no expectations would mean I won’t get hurt anymore.”
“You are afraid of attachment.” Jongdae spoke in a quiet voice, his head hung low that Junmyeon couldn’t see his facial expression.
“I’m afraid of the pain that the attachment would bring.” Perhaps revealing his deepest thoughts to Jongdae gave him the courage that he never knew he had. With one knee on the floor, Junmyeon knelt before Jongdae, his hand reached out toward Jongdae’s. Jongdae’s mouth was slightly opened, eyes wide with disbelief, seeming to have a hard time to process everything happening before him.
“I had been in love before but no one ever made me feel the way I do like you do, Jongdae. You became a constant in my life, and I began to rely on you so much that it scared me to think how important you have become to me. And I was afraid of becoming more than friends. I am scared of how expectations would destroy me, you and this relationship that we had. So, I became the coward that left you hanging and running after me because I was afraid.”
“But I was blinded by my own fear that I forgot you would get tired of running too, that you would want to stop eventually. If I could have been braver to actually stop running and look back at you who were running to me, we could…” For a second, Jongdae looked like he was going to say something but it was just Junmyeon’s wistful thinking when Jongdae pursed his lips and just kept his gaze on him.
“I know it’s too late to say all these since you’ve already made your decision but I would want to be selfish for one last time,” Junmyeon paused for a moment, ”to tell you how I truly feel for you.”
“If he’s your happiness, then be happy. You deserve to be loved.” Junmyeon leaned forward and pressed his lips against Jongdae’s forehead. They stayed like that for a long time before Junmyeon felt the slight pressure from Jongdae’s hands on his waist pushing Junmyeon away from him. Junmyeon tried his best not to fall apart at this moment.
“I have class in the morning, so I won’t be seeing you off at the airport.” Jongdae nodded. They knew that it was just an excuse but there was no reason to point it out.
Junmyeon managed a small smile. “I’ll leave you with your packing. Good night, Jongdae.”
“Good night, Junmyeon.” Junmyeon nearly couldn’t make it to his room when the tears eventually spilled over.
**
It was nothing like the television dramas or romance movies that depicted the lead characters having a hard time moving on from their heartbreaks, Junmyeon decided. It had been three months since Jongdae had left for China and he was fine. He ate and slept well. He completed his assignments and aced all his subjects like he always did. He went out for pools with Baekhyun and Chanyeol on Friday nights and returned to his parents’ home every two weeks. He was absolutely fine.
Or so he thought until last weekend when his landlady had called him on a Sunday morning informing that there would be a new tenant moving into Jongdae’s room. Junmyeon’s heart lurched but he still calmly answered his landlady’s question and even agreed to do her a favor to clean the room for the new tenant.
When he stepped into the room, it was vacant, which bore an eerie similarity to his heart. He glanced around the room and he saw their photographs on Jongdae’s stick board. Junmyeon unpinned the picture from the board; it was a picture of him and Jongdae that was taken during the Halloween party organized by the campus. As he stared at the picture, a sudden surge of sadness began to overwhelm him. His lips quivered as his vision slowly turned blurry, clouded by wet tears. As he tried to blink back his tears away, they rolled down his cheeks.
“So much for thinking you are strong, Kim Junmyeon.” As soon as the words escaped his mouth in a soft whisper, quiet sobs followed soon after.
Junmyeon was far from being fine.
**
“Where is Baekhyun? He’s never late.” Chanyeol craned his neck as he kept looking out for the sign of his boyfriend who was nowhere to be found. The cafeteria was almost empty as most of the students had already gone home for Christmas break. Junmyeon didn’t answer him and instead took a sip from his hot tea.
Chanyeol placed both his palms on his cheeks, tilting his head. “Since when do you drink tea? I thought you can’t live without coffee.”
Junmyeon responded with another question. “There’s nothing wrong with me drinking tea, isn’t it?” He didn’t mean to overreact but he didn’t really want Chanyeol to know that he quitted drinking coffee because they reminded him of his morning coffee made by Jongdae.
Sensing Junmyeon was on his defensive mode, Chanyeol held up his hands as a gesture of surrender. The guy had been cranky ever since Jongdae went for the internship in China, Chanyeol thought and instantly felt apologetic towards him when the thought of Jongdae came into mind. The man was going through a tough time with him being in love with his best friend, who left him for someone else. Despite how Junmyeon tried to act normal, everyone knew he wasn’t the same anymore ever since Jongdae left. His eyes no longer lit up when he smiled. He worked harder in his academics more than he needed to, which Baekhyun accounted as his way of trying to fill up the void that Jongdae left in his heart. Chanyeol was never an observant person but he did take notice how Junmyeon would wince upon the mention of Jongdae’s name.
“I’m sorry I was late.” Baekhyun’s voice snapped Chanyeol out of his reverie. “I was on the phone with Jongdae just now.”
Junmyeon instantly lowered his head, his gaze averted to his cup of tea. There it goes, that familiar wince, Chanyeol thought.
Baekhyun pretended he didn’t notice the change in Junmyeon’s body gestures. “Jongdae’s internship ends this week, so he’ll come home next Monday.” Junmyeon didn’t need Baekhyun to inform him. He had been doing the countdown himself if the red crosses on his calendar indicate otherwise. “And we’ll throw a welcome home party for him and Yixing. Minseok and his friends from the Performing Arts faculty would be joining us too. Apparently, we have double celebrations.”
“Double celebrations?” Chanyeol cocked his head; his curious eyes searched Baekhyun’s face. Junmyeon also looked up and threw a curious glance at Baekhyun. “Yixing is engaged.”
The spoon in Junmyeon’s hand dropped on the saucer with a loud clank.
The couple stared at Junmyeon who froze in his seat, his pupils shaking and his hand froze in the position when he was still holding his spoon.
“Junmyeon.” Baekhyun reached out to place his hand on Junmyeon’s, his warm palm a huge contrast on the latter’s cold fingers as he gave it a light squeeze. “Junmyeon.”
“I have to go.” Junmyeon couldn’t look his friends in the eyes, fearing to see the sympathetic look on their faces. He pulled his hand away from Baekhyun, got up from his seat and fled from the cafeteria.
**
From his driver seat, Junmyeon could see the highest tower in the city. At the height of 30m, the tower was renowned for bungee jumping where thousands of visitors would come every year to experience bungee jumping. However, it was closed until further notice due to the nearing cold season.
Junmyeon wondered what was on the mind of those people when they stood at the top of the structure. Did the adrenaline rush thrill them to make the jump or did they actually regret doing it?
It was the latter that Junmyeon felt when he tried out bungee jumping once. His high school friends had teased him about his fear of heights, which according to them, made him a ‘pussy’. He had felt extremely insulted and without thinking of the consequences, he took up their challenge to go for bungee jumping. Junmyeon would always remember how his legs were trembling so bad that he could hardly stand when he was at the top of the tower. The nauseating feelings weighing in his stomach along with the premonitions that the cord might snap and he would get himself killed were more than enough reasons to call off his plan.
It was the similar feeling that he had when Junmyeon realized he was in love with Jongdae. As much as Junmyeon tried to constrain his feelings, Jongdae was like a magnet that pulled him closer and closer to him. The notion of falling in love, the feeling of falling in love, terrified Junmyeon. Love was a gamble after all; it had risks. He wasn’t sure whether Jongdae did return his feelings or whether Jongdae was the one for him. He was scared Jongdae was just like the rest of the temporary people in his life, the ones that left after he bore his heart and soul to them. But never did he expect that his fear has hurt the people around him, those who actually cared for him like Jongdae, Baekhyun and Chanyeol.
Kim Junmyeon had left people and relationships undefined in effort to protect himself but when Kim Jongdae walked out of his life, he realize, it wasn’t his fear of defining who cost him his best friend and the love of his life; it was him who pushed Jongdae away and let him run towards someone else’s arms instead of his.
**
Junmyeon rang the doorbell a few times just in case Baekhyun or Chanyeol couldn’t hear him. He could already hear the loud noises outside their shared apartment.
Minseok, a final year student and a good friend of Yixing’s, was the one who answered the door. “Hey, come on in. Baekhyun and Chanyeol are a little bit busy at the moment.” Junmyeon offered a polite smile before entering the unit. It was a huge crowd, Junmyeon had to say. The house was full with people that Junmyeon personally knew from the Performing Arts and his own English Linguistics program. At least it wouldn’t be too awkward, Junmyeon thought.
Yixing was chatting animatedly with the rest of his friends. When their eyes met, Yixing graced him a dimpled smile. Junmyeon made sure to return his smile with equal weight.
As Junmyeon promised to help out with the food preparation, he thought of asking Baekhyun or Chanyeol but the two of them were nowhere to be found. Junmyeon slipped out to the balcony as he began dialing Chanyeol’s number.
“Junmyeon.” His body became alert upon hearing the familiar high-pitched voice.
“Jongdae.” It almost felt unbelievable to see Jongdae standing right before him. Other than the pair of square-framed spectacles perched on his nose and a huge weight loss from his body, he looked exactly the same.
“Hi.”
Jongdae’s lips curled into a kittenish smile. “Hi.”
“You got thinner.” Jongdae casted a quick glance at himself before putting on an awkward smile. “Yeah, the food in China was great but it wasn’t really tailored for my taste buds.”
“You’ve always been picky with food. I’m surprised you actually survived in China.”
Jongdae shot glares at Junmyeon. “I am not picky with food, okay? I just have a higher standard for the food that I eat.”
Junmyeon chuckled. “Okay, Mr. Kim Zhong Da. Whatever that floats your boat.” Jongdae looked at him for a moment before his lips curved into a large grin.
Junmyeon was surprised at how they could fall into conversations so easily despite that they haven’t been talking to each other for half a year. But it was one of Jongdae’s long list of charming qualities. The man was such a people person that he was very easy to talk to.
“Congratulations on your engagement, Jongdae.” For a second, the said man’s brows furrowed with confusion before finally understanding what Junmyeon was saying.
“Junmyeon, I…” Jongdae wanted to say something but the cheering in the living room was getting louder and Junmyeon took it as a signal for him to join the rest.
“I think we should get inside.” Junmyeon gave a small smile and slid open the door to the living room, leaving Jongdae alone in his confusion.
**
Everyone was standing in a large circle with Yixing and another man that Junmyeon had never seen before being the centre of the attention.
“Well, everyone’s here now.” Yixing began after noticing Jongdae entering, right after Junmyeon settled himself between Minseok and another Chinese friend of Yixing’s. He beckoned for Jongdae to stand next to him and Jongdae obliged.
“First of all, thank you for throwing this welcome home party for me and Jongdae.” Everyone cheered and hooted as Yixing tried to calm everyone down, his dimples making an appearance, amused by his guests’ enthusiasm.
“I would like to use this opportunity to announce something.” Taking in the excited look on his friends’ face, Yixing grinned even wider. “I am engaged and I would like to introduce you to my fiancé, Yifan.” Everyone in the room stilled, eyes wide and confused as they stared at Jongdae, Yixing and Yifan.
“I would like to explain so that you wouldn’t make your own assumptions. Jongdae and I decided to call it off when we were doing our internship in China. No one cheated on anybody. We just thought that it was best for us to remain as friends and that was probably the best decision I’ve made because this wonderful guy turned out to be a brother that I could ever wish for.” Yixing wrapped his arms around Jongdae’s shoulder, giving him a comforting rub on his arms. Junmyeon saw Jongdae directed an appreciative smile to the Chinese man. As if he knew his eyes were on him, he turned toward Junmyeon’s direction. Their eyes met and Jongdae looked away, his handsome face sporting a nervous, embarrassed smile.
The awkward silence lasted for a minute or two before slow claps were heard and soon everyone was congratulating the newly engaged couple. Seeing how he was no longer needed around here, Jongdae slipped away from his friends and opted to stand at the side as they circled the couple and swamped them with questions on their relationships.
Driven by confusion, Junmyeon strode across the room and held on Jongdae’s arm, causing the other to jolt. “Can we talk in private?” Without waiting for Jongdae’s reply, Junmyeon pulled him into the guest room that he used whenever he slept over at the couple’s house.
“You didn’t say anything when I congratulated you just now.” Junmyeon snapped as soon as he shut the door behind him.
“I wanted to explain but you left me before I could even open my mouth.”
“I…” Junmyeon glanced at Jongdae, having the decency to feel embarrassed. “But why?”
“Well, I can tell you if you would have at least let me speak.” Jongdae huffed just like he always did whenever Junmyeon interrupted him or asked him too much questions. It felt like the old times when they used to banter- Jongdae always ready with his snarky comments and Junmyeon with his silent glare, his mind running hundred miles per hour to think of ways to get back at him.
“So, can I?” Jongdae broke the silence when Junmyeon’s intense stare was making him uncomfortable. Junmyeon nodded.
“I thought I had made the right choice to be with Yixing. He is wonderful; he is gentle, caring and every inch a gentleman. He is exactly what I dreamed for a perfect husband. And most importantly, he loves me more than I would ever love him.”
“Grandmother always says that I should be with someone who loves me more than I love them. In relationships, you are bound to get hurt when you love too much.” Jongdae shifted his body posture to lean against the balcony railings, bright eyes staring ahead at the opposite block. “I learned that from you.”
“But as nice as Yixing is, he is not you.” Junmyeon’s eyes grew wide. “When I was with him, I kept comparing him to you. I would always think of how you would have done it this way or that way when I saw him getting things done. When I saw his dimpled smile, I would remember how your eyes turned crescent whenever you laughed at the smallest things. And when I look into his eyes, I actually wish I was looking into yours.” Jongdae heaved a deep sigh. “And it wasn’t fair to Yixing. He deserves someone who can love him better than I do.”
“….” Junmyeon was at a loss for words. He was expecting to nurse his broken heart with bottles of soju tonight, not a romantic love confession at the balcony of his friends’ home under the moonlight.
“So, please say something because I wasn’t planning to confess to you tonight.”
“That was very cringe-worthy. I am pretty sure you even quoted lyrics.” A playful grin danced across his face as he took this gold opportunity to tease the hell out of Jongdae.
Jongdae was affronted. “Hey, that was a grade A confession coming from your top Linguistics student, okay? I can’t believe that you don’t know how to appreciate a great love confession. See if I’ll ever say it to you again.”
Junmyeon burst into laughter at Jongdae’s reaction. His laughter was infectious that Jongdae couldn’t resist smiling.
Jongdae started. “So,”
“So,” Junmyeon imitated him, the smile in his voice apparent.
“Are you seeing anyone now?” Junmyeon shook his head. “I’m waiting for a top Linguistics student to come home and recite a Shakespearean sonnet telling me how much he loves me.”
Jongdae looked amused.
“I would not say that I am no longer scared. Relationships are scary, after all, with so much at stake.” Jongdae nodded, comprehending where Junmyeon was coming from. “In fact, I am more terrified of the future than I will ever be because future is so unpredictable. We could be in love right now and you’ll leave me the next second I call you my boyfriend. But it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I love you and I want to give my best to you, to our relationship. I don’t want to die an old man without knowing how it felt to be in a relationship with you. At the very least, if it didn’t work out in the end, I want to be able to tell myself that I tried my best and the memories we had and the love we shared were worth the pain. So, would you like to be my boyfriend?”
Jongdae’s lips curled into an amused smile. Junmyeon knew this was going to be blackmail material for life but the look on Jongdae’s face was worth it. “Yes, Junmyeon, yes.”
“Fucking finally!” Baekhyun’s voice surprised them and the lovebirds turned only to find the rest of them watching behind the glass door.
“Finally! I swear that if I have to see Junmyeon brood for another day, I will die.”
“Hey, it wasn’t that bad!”
“No, Junmyeon. It’s quite bad. Your face was so long that I think it reached the floor.”
“What the hell? I did not, okay?”
**
Kim Junmyeon still hated labeling. He still firmly believed that labels were for inanimate objects, not for people and relationships. But he also believed that labels carried no meaning if one did not give them the power to hurt him or herself. He began to accept that pain and disappointment were part and parcel of life and there was no way to avoid them. The only thing he could do was to embrace them as a part of him in order to grow into a better person.
Jongdae used to chase and chase and Junmyeon never looked back. When he finally stopped to wait for Jongdae, the latter was already running to someone else instead. Junmyeon was lucky that he was given a second chance and this time, he made sure to hold Jongdae’s hand tight as they ran to the unknown future together.
“The right people- the ones who really belong in your life- will come to you and stay.”
- Will Smith
Title: Define (just this once)
Prompt Code: P062
Rating: PG-13
Side Pairing(s): Baekhyun/Chanyeol, Kris/Lay
Length: 6925 words
Summary: Kim Junmyeon hates labelling. But when Kim Jongdae walks out of his life, he begins to ponder, has his fear of labelling actually cost him his best friend and also, perhaps the very one that he wants to spend the rest of his life with?
Warnings: A few curse words here and there
Notes: Hello! It’s my first time writing for a fic fest and I am really honored to participate in this wonderful event. First of all, I want to thank Critcap Mods for your patience in dealing with my questions and my late work submission tendency. I would also like to thank my friend, Laura, for beta-reading and providing great advice to improve the story. Dear prompter, your prompt is beautiful and I’m sorry I butchered your prompt. I hope you would still enjoy this piece of writing. And to dear readers who are reading this, thank you for reading and do leave comments! I do appreciate constructive criticism! ^^
Kim Junmyeon hated labeling. The act of attaching a label or name to something or someone did not sit well with him. He was fine with labels on objects such as clothing, shoes or cereals because one, they were inanimate objects and two, brands made these items distinguishable from one to another, whether quality or quantity-wise because one could have so many items for one category i.e. clothing.
No, Kim Junmyeon hated labeling people and relationships. He hated it when heterosexual people pigeonholed LGBTQ+ people as if they knew everything there was about sexuality, and God knew how much he wanted to lash out every single time when people around him told him ‘being gay’ was just ‘a phase’ or ‘a current trend’, and that he should learn to ‘grow up’ and settle down with a nice, pretty girl. Despite his own justification that these people would not understand the struggles of being homosexual, hence the quick dismissal, it was hard to rid of the resentment in his heart. He loathed the fact that people were so quick to establish labels for each other i.e. ‘brother’ or ‘best friend’ or ‘lover’ because if there was one valuable lesson he learned throughout 22 years of his life, it was that people would, if not mostly, leave you once you label them. It was never just about giving them addressing terms in your contacts; labeling was putting your guard down and allowing them to enter your life, and with it, came the expectations of wanting them to place you as their priorities or at the very least, someone who was significant enough to be cared for, and also hoping that they would not hurt you, physically and mentally. But after spending eighteen years of his life searching, wanting and expecting which eventually led to nothing but immense pain and hurt, Junmyeon decided to leave people and relationships undefined, as he feared history was only going to repeat itself.
But when Kim Jongdae walked out of his life, he began to ponder, did his fear of defining actually cost him his best friend and also, perhaps the very one that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with?
**
It all started on that April night when Baekhyun returned from his three months exchange program in Japan. Ecstatic to have his boyfriend back home, Chanyeol had dragged them along to join his plan to throw a welcome home party for him.
After fetching Baekhyun from the airport, they headed to Chanyeol’s family restaurant where Mrs. Park was waiting for them with huge servings of Korean dishes. She was probably as excited as Chanyeol about Baekhyun’s return. The elder had always been very fond of Baekhyun even when Baekhyun and Chanyeol were yet to be official, constantly patting him on the cheeks and secretly giving Baekhyun a bigger portion of food. Junmyeon couldn’t blame her for doting on him. Despite Baekhyun was consistently annoying and at times, blunt, he was a ray of sunshine that never failed to put a smile on their faces with his silly antics and puns.
After thanking Mrs. Park for the wonderful dinner, Chanyeol, who seemed determined to feed Baekhyun with every dish existed in their culture, drove them all the way to Hongdae for street food. They were first against the idea of eating again after such a heavy meal but changed their minds as soon as Chanyeol offered to pay for their meals. Eventually, they ended up in a tteoboki shop nursing three bottles of soju and a plate of half-eaten tteoboki left unattended.
Baekhyun filled Junmyeon’s empty glass before emptying the last bottle into his own glass. “So how’s life, Junmyeon? Are you seeing anyone recently?” Junmyeon could have choked if he had downed that remaining soju in his glass.
“You were only gone for three months, Baekhyun.” Junmyeon rolled his eyes at Baekhyun, shaking his head at Baekhyun’s ridiculous question. He seemed to forget that Kim Junmyeon didn’t do relationships. “You talk as if you’ve been in Japan for years.” The latter ignored Junmyeon. “Now, three months is a long time. Anything can happen within these periods. Are you sure?”
Junmyeon heaved a sigh. “Yes, Baekhyun. I am single as fuck.”
“Why not? There are plenty of good-looking gay guys in our university.” Baekhyun leaned against his boyfriend looking like a sick puppy in love. “Perhaps they are not as handsome as our Yeollie here but I’m sure there are a few potential candidates.” Baekhyun took out his phone and began to scroll his long list of good looking guys. "I can hook up with either one of them."
“I suggest you quit Linguistics and work with the matchmaking company instead." Junmyeon sarcastically replied, feeding himself another piece of the tteoboki. His eyes unconsciously moved toward Jongdae who was sipping on his soju. He realized how Jongdae would turn awfully quiet when they talked about Junmyeon’s relationship status.
Baekhyun huffed. “I am not drunk.” He then turned to his next victim. “Now, now, how about my one and only gay best friend? Still single, I presume?”
Jongdae hadn’t said anything but he was wearing a seemingly calm look on his face, his gaze shifting from Baekhyun to Chanyeol and Junmyeon, before placing his glass on the table.
“I am seeing someone.” Their eyes were wide and their jaws dropped, unable to say anything as they tried to absorb the new piece of information. Junmyeon felt his heart lurched into the deepest pit of hell.
Baekhyun was the first of them to recover from the shock. “Who the hell are you seeing?”
“Yixing.”
Baekhyun placed both his hands on both sides of his cheeks as he mouthed ‘Oh My God’. “You are fucking kidding me right?” Jongdae shook his head. “Please don’t tell me it’s the Zhang Yixing from the Faculty of Performing Arts.”
Jongdae gave a curt nod before reaching his glass of soju and taking another sip from it, stealing glances at Junmyeon from time to time.
“What the hell?” Baekhyun spluttered. “How long have you been together?”
Jongdae shrugged. “Two months, I think.”
Baekhyun looked scandalized. "Don't you 'I think' me! I am your best friend, Kim Jongdae! How could you not tell me about this?”
“It’s not that big of a deal.” Baekhyun jabbed a finger at Jongdae’s arm. “Of course it is! You’ve been in the forever-alone-zone since the day I know you and now you are telling me that you are dating the hottest guy in the entire SM university?!” Yixing was one of the popular guys in their university. Junmyeon only spoke to him a few times on several occasions but he knew enough that Yixing’s gentle personality and good looks were attractive to the extent that girls and guys formed Facebook fan pages for him, falling head over heels for him. If Junmyeon had any self-esteem to begin with, it would vanish into thin air at this point.
Baekhyun threw Junmyeon an accusing look. “Did you know anything about this?”
“No, I don’t know any of this.” Junmyeon threw a look akin to betrayal toward Jongdae. He knew that Jongdae was not obligated to report about his life to him but it still stung to know that he had kept this a secret for three freaking months. All these while, Junmyeon thought they had… something. He felt stupid for even allowing himself to entertain such thoughts.
“We thought we should wait for our relationship to be stable until we announce it, you know.” Jongdae said in a nonchalant manner, but there was something off about his voice. “We are still trying to get to know each other.”
“Kim Jongdae,” For a second, Baekhyun actually looked genuinely impressed. “You actually snatch the golden bachelor from the Faculty of Performing Arts.”
Jongdae faked a laugh before throwing a sarcastic ‘thank you’.
“But jokes aside,” Baekhyun shrugged. “I am happy for you, buddy.” Baekhyun diverted his attention back to Junmyeon. “Now is your turn, buddy.”
“I don’t do relationships, Baekhyun, you know that.”
“Yes, we all do.” Jongdae spoke quietly. Bombarded by sudden guilt, Junmyeon kept quiet, downing another shot of soju.
**
Junmyeon was not a newbie in relationships. Before the whole I-do-not-want-to-label-things situation, he was in a few relationships, both men and women. He knew what the fluttering feelings in his stomach meant when Jongdae smiled at him, wishing him ‘Good morning’ as he handed him his daily dose of freshly grounded coffee. He knew the reason his heart skipped a beat whenever Jongdae touched him, leaving him with a warm tingling feeling over his skin. It required so much of Junmyeon’s self-control to not kiss Jongdae when his eyes met upon Jongdae’s fervent gaze during their late night chats. And unfortunately, he also knew exactly why this pang of bitterness and jealousy emerged and killing him slowly from within when Jongdae announced that he was dating someone else, a person who was so much better-looking and more deserving of Jongdae than he was.
In all honesty, Junmyeon felt betrayed which was funny considering that they were never in a relationship. They never clarify what they had, or what Junmyeon thought they had really meant to them. Just like the way Junmyeon wanted it to be, undefined. Technically, Jongdae didn’t ‘betray’ him. He was at liberty to date anyone that he wanted. But no matter how Junmyeon tried to reason with himself, he just couldn’t shake off this awful feeling similar to being dumped.
Not knowing how to deal with his emotions, or, more accurately, how to face Jongdae without bursting out, Junmyeon did what he always did best when it came to interpersonal relationships: avoidance. He made it a point to wake up earlier than Jongdae every morning, even those days when he didn’t have morning classes, so he wouldn’t need to eat breakfast with the latter lie they would always do. He would hide in the most secluded corner in the library during lunch hours so that no one could find him including Baekhyun because he knew the younger would drag him to have lunch with Jongdae and Yixing, a new addition to their group since he and Jongdae became official. Junmyeon shuddered at the thought of third-wheeling two couples. Back in the apartment that he shared with Jongdae, he would lock himself in the room, pretending to sleep or looking preoccupied with his assignments so that he wouldn’t need to talk to Jongdae when the latter came knocking at his bedroom door.
Junmyeon knew he was being immature but he despised the idea of confronting Jongdae for he didn’t want to lose him (‘his best friend’, the voice at the back of his mind whispered despite his best effort of not labeling). But what could he do? He couldn’t act as if the fact that Jongdae is in a relationship with Yixing wasn’t bothering him because it did. Jongdae’s smiling eyes and boisterous laughter when he was with Yixing only served as a reminder that it could have been him. Never had Junmyeon wished that he could turn back to the time when everything was so much simpler.
A week followed after another and Junmyeon continued to run from Jongdae. The latter, however, had enough of his antics and the confrontation that Junmyeon had dreaded eventually came.
**
It was one of those days where Junmyeon was heading out to campus, trying his best to leave the house before bumping into his housemate. He was picking up his pair of blue Converse from the shoe rack when someone grabbed him by his wrist. Junmyeon whirled around and met Jongdae’s resolute gaze.
“Uhm, why are you awake this early?” Junmyeon tried to use humor to escape from this situation but Jongdae clearly wasn’t going to let him go this easy.
“We need to talk.”
“But I have…”
“Don’t lie. You don’t have class until 10 a.m.” Junmyeon pursed his lips tight, cheeks slightly colored upon getting caught for lying.
“Junmyeon, you’ve been avoiding me ever since that dinner night with Baek and Yeol. I want to know what’s wrong.” His voice was heavy with exhaustion. “Have I done something wrong?”
“Nothing." Junmyeon paused as he swallowed his saliva. “There’s nothing wrong, Jongdae.”
Jongdae ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “Please, Kim Junmyeon! I’ve known you for five years and you running away to avoid confrontation is definitely an obvious statement saying that something’s wrong!”
Junmyeon glared at his friend, shaking off his hands with more force than necessary. “Don’t act as if you know me so well!”
Jongdae sneered at him. “You know what? Yes, I do know you so well that I put up with your bullshit for five years!”
“No one asks you to!”
“Yes! Guess what? I am the idiot who puts up with all your shit because I like you so much that I hadn’t got the guts to confess!” Junmyeon’s eyes turned as wide as saucer plates, unable to believe what he had just heard.
“Don’t act surprised, Kim Junmyeon!” Jongdae pushed Junmyeon so hard that he stumbled a few steps back. “You know I like you! I like you more than I should! Heck, I’ve been in love with you for five years but no matter how hard I tried to win your heart, you just never let me in. You never let anyone else in, Junmyeon.”
Junmyeon looked into his glistened eyes. “You are afraid of getting yourself hurt, so you run away from us, from everyone you know, so that we couldn’t even come close to you. I tried chasing you for five years, Junmyeon but you never look back, not even once.” He ran his fingers through his hair again, heaving a deep sigh. “But I’m just human, Junmyeon. I get tired, too. And I’m tired of running after you, Junmyeon. I’m just exhausted.”
Junmyeon opened and closed his mouth but there were no sounds coming out from his mouth.
“Now that I finally met someone who would actually stop and care for my well-being, you get all possessive and angry because you think I should continue to revolve around you like I always did.” Jongdae’s gaze was filled with so much rage that Junmyeon was almost terrified for himself. He had never seen Jongdae so furious before. “Well, let me tell you something, Kim Junmyeon. You are the most selfish person I’ve ever met and I am done chasing you around.”
With that, Jongdae stormed out of the house, the door slammed shut with such a loud ‘Bang’ that the entire floor could hear.
And Junmyeon knew he had screwed up big time.
**
“What’s up with you and Jongdae?” Baekhyun eyed him when Junmyeon slumped at the seat next to him during their Contemporary Literature class.
“Nothing.” Junmyeon answered distractedly, scanning through the large crowd of student slowly shuffling into the auditorium for the sign of Jongdae. After their fight in the morning, Junmyeon hadn’t seen Jongdae at all. He was hoping to see him in this class, the only class they had together for the day, even if it would be awkward to see each other after what was probably the biggest quarrel that they ever had in their five years of friendship.
“Jongdae’s not coming. He texted me saying he’s going to skip this class.” Junmyeon bit his lips. He was really in trouble this time. “And Kim Jongdae, the biggest literature nerd would never skip Literature classes.” Baekhyun huffed. “Junmyeon, what did you do to Jongdae?”
“I didn’t do anything!” Junmyeon snapped, finally losing his patience. He knew he was in deep shit and Baekhyun’s accusing tone wasn’t helping the case.
Their argument had caused a commotion, catching the attention of the lecturer and most of the students in the auditorium who were now staring at them in surprise.
"Is there anything you want to share with us?" The lecturer looked at them with a skeptical look.
"No, sir." Jumyeon and Baekhyun replied, looking embarassed.
Satisfied with their answer, the lecturer resumed his lecture and the students diverted their attention to the lecturer.
Junmyeon held up his textbook and hid his face behind it, whispering in the lowest voice he could manage. "I didn't do anything."
Baekhyun threw him a judging look. “Of course, those past weeks of you avoiding Jongdae like a plague definitely did not hurt his feelings.”
“I….” Junmyeon contemplated whether he should explain himself to Baekhyun but changed his mind seeing how it wasn’t going to improve the situation. “Forget about it.”
“Junmyeon, you are being unfair.” And there it was that familiar exhausted expression on his face, the one so similar to Jongdae. It irked Junmyeon. Was he that tiresome to deal with? If they knew him so well, why wouldn’t they understand what he was going through? Did they really think he was enjoying going through all these?
“What do you want me to do then?” Junmyeon hissed. “Well, I’m sorry that I am not a selfless person who can act indifferent when the person I have feelings for is in a relationship with someone else!”
Baekhyun stared at Junmyeon for a long time with an indescribable expression. He then forcefully dragged Junmyeon out of the class with no regards to whether Junmyeon agreed or not. For someone as small as Baekhyun, his strength was no joke.
Not wanting to cause a scene again, he let him drag him to an empty classroom at the end of the corridor. When they were finally alone, Junmyeon jerked his hands off Baekhyun’s grasp.
“What do you want from me, Baekhyun?” Junmyeon massaged his wrist that was previously gripped by Baekhyun, his eyes averted towards the floor.
“Go get him back.”
Junmyeon narrowed his eyes. “What are you talking about?”
“If you said you like him so much, then go get Jongdae back. Tell him that you like him and that you want to be with him.”
“It’s not that simple, Baekhyun.” Relationships meant more than just feelings. There were issues of commitment and compatibility. There were just so much at stake.
“It is, Junmyeon. You are the one who makes it complicated for yourself and Jongdae.”
“I…”
“Jongdae has signed up for the six months teaching internship in China. He’ll be flying to China with Yixing for the day after tomorrow.” Junmyeon’s face paled in shock. “He wanted to tell you in person but you’ve been busy running away from him that he didn’t get the chance to do so.”
Baekhyun placed a hand on his shoulder. “Junmyeon, you need to stop thinking for yourself once. The poor guy’s been running after you for five years. Anyone can get tired of waiting, Junmyeon.” The earnest look on Baekhyun’s face scared Junmyeon even more. “You need to tell him what you feel, or you are going to lose him forever.”
**
Standing at the door, Junmyeon watched Jongdae packed his belongings into his bright orange luggage. When Jongdae first bought that luggage, Junmyeon had expressed his dislike for its obnoxious color. But Junmyeon hated it even more now as it reminded how his best friend was leaving him tomorrow.
Junmyeon gave a rasp knock on the door. Jongdae took a quick glance at him, but paid no heed to him as he continued with his packing, almost as if he already knew that Junmyeon had been watching him all these while from the door. Taking slow, deliberate steps into the room, Junmyeon glanced around. It was almost empty save from a few photographs pinned against the stick board on his study desk.
“Jongdae, can we talk?
“I am listening.” Junmyeon grabbed Jongdae’s wrist, causing the other to stop and glare at him.
“I just need ten minutes. You can continue packing when I’m done.” His tone was gentle in an attempt to persuade Jongdae but it seemed unnecessary seeing how the latter was already sitting on the bed, ready to listen to whatever Junmyeon had to say.
The man settled next to his friend, leaving a small gap between them in case he was making Jongdae uncomfortable. “I am here to apologize, Jongdae.” The other man said nothing. Junmyeon took his silence as a sign to continue. “I’m sorry for being an asshole of a friend for the past few weeks.”
When Jongdae turned to look at him, Junmyeon could finally take a good look at his friend for the first time in weeks and he didn’t like what he saw. The dark circles beneath Jongdae’s eyes were more prominent than before and his eyes no longer had the playful glint, replaced by weariness and gloom. Junmyeon was wrong to think he was the only one who was affected by all these emotional turmoil.
“You were right. I am a selfish asshole who leads you on because I want your undivided attention on me.” Junmyeon swallowed the lump in his throat. “Remember that late night chat when I told you that I don’t like to define things?”
Jongdae nodded. “You said labels are for clothes, not for humans.”
Junmyeon’s lips curled into a small smile, pleased that Jongdae actually remembered what he had said to him. “The truth is each time I place a label on someone or on the relationship that I had with the person, I can’t help but develop expectations towards them. I expected them to hold a special place in their heart as I did; I banked on the hope that they wouldn’t hurt me and that they would love me as much as I could love them. But in the end, these expectations were the very things that have ruined me in every way a person can be destroyed.”
Junmyeon folded his right arm across his chest and instinctively rubbed his elbow in a continuous motion. “So, I told myself, no label would mean no expectations, and no expectations would mean I won’t get hurt anymore.”
“You are afraid of attachment.” Jongdae spoke in a quiet voice, his head hung low that Junmyeon couldn’t see his facial expression.
“I’m afraid of the pain that the attachment would bring.” Perhaps revealing his deepest thoughts to Jongdae gave him the courage that he never knew he had. With one knee on the floor, Junmyeon knelt before Jongdae, his hand reached out toward Jongdae’s. Jongdae’s mouth was slightly opened, eyes wide with disbelief, seeming to have a hard time to process everything happening before him.
“I had been in love before but no one ever made me feel the way I do like you do, Jongdae. You became a constant in my life, and I began to rely on you so much that it scared me to think how important you have become to me. And I was afraid of becoming more than friends. I am scared of how expectations would destroy me, you and this relationship that we had. So, I became the coward that left you hanging and running after me because I was afraid.”
“But I was blinded by my own fear that I forgot you would get tired of running too, that you would want to stop eventually. If I could have been braver to actually stop running and look back at you who were running to me, we could…” For a second, Jongdae looked like he was going to say something but it was just Junmyeon’s wistful thinking when Jongdae pursed his lips and just kept his gaze on him.
“I know it’s too late to say all these since you’ve already made your decision but I would want to be selfish for one last time,” Junmyeon paused for a moment, ”to tell you how I truly feel for you.”
“If he’s your happiness, then be happy. You deserve to be loved.” Junmyeon leaned forward and pressed his lips against Jongdae’s forehead. They stayed like that for a long time before Junmyeon felt the slight pressure from Jongdae’s hands on his waist pushing Junmyeon away from him. Junmyeon tried his best not to fall apart at this moment.
“I have class in the morning, so I won’t be seeing you off at the airport.” Jongdae nodded. They knew that it was just an excuse but there was no reason to point it out.
Junmyeon managed a small smile. “I’ll leave you with your packing. Good night, Jongdae.”
“Good night, Junmyeon.” Junmyeon nearly couldn’t make it to his room when the tears eventually spilled over.
**
It was nothing like the television dramas or romance movies that depicted the lead characters having a hard time moving on from their heartbreaks, Junmyeon decided. It had been three months since Jongdae had left for China and he was fine. He ate and slept well. He completed his assignments and aced all his subjects like he always did. He went out for pools with Baekhyun and Chanyeol on Friday nights and returned to his parents’ home every two weeks. He was absolutely fine.
Or so he thought until last weekend when his landlady had called him on a Sunday morning informing that there would be a new tenant moving into Jongdae’s room. Junmyeon’s heart lurched but he still calmly answered his landlady’s question and even agreed to do her a favor to clean the room for the new tenant.
When he stepped into the room, it was vacant, which bore an eerie similarity to his heart. He glanced around the room and he saw their photographs on Jongdae’s stick board. Junmyeon unpinned the picture from the board; it was a picture of him and Jongdae that was taken during the Halloween party organized by the campus. As he stared at the picture, a sudden surge of sadness began to overwhelm him. His lips quivered as his vision slowly turned blurry, clouded by wet tears. As he tried to blink back his tears away, they rolled down his cheeks.
“So much for thinking you are strong, Kim Junmyeon.” As soon as the words escaped his mouth in a soft whisper, quiet sobs followed soon after.
Junmyeon was far from being fine.
**
“Where is Baekhyun? He’s never late.” Chanyeol craned his neck as he kept looking out for the sign of his boyfriend who was nowhere to be found. The cafeteria was almost empty as most of the students had already gone home for Christmas break. Junmyeon didn’t answer him and instead took a sip from his hot tea.
Chanyeol placed both his palms on his cheeks, tilting his head. “Since when do you drink tea? I thought you can’t live without coffee.”
Junmyeon responded with another question. “There’s nothing wrong with me drinking tea, isn’t it?” He didn’t mean to overreact but he didn’t really want Chanyeol to know that he quitted drinking coffee because they reminded him of his morning coffee made by Jongdae.
Sensing Junmyeon was on his defensive mode, Chanyeol held up his hands as a gesture of surrender. The guy had been cranky ever since Jongdae went for the internship in China, Chanyeol thought and instantly felt apologetic towards him when the thought of Jongdae came into mind. The man was going through a tough time with him being in love with his best friend, who left him for someone else. Despite how Junmyeon tried to act normal, everyone knew he wasn’t the same anymore ever since Jongdae left. His eyes no longer lit up when he smiled. He worked harder in his academics more than he needed to, which Baekhyun accounted as his way of trying to fill up the void that Jongdae left in his heart. Chanyeol was never an observant person but he did take notice how Junmyeon would wince upon the mention of Jongdae’s name.
“I’m sorry I was late.” Baekhyun’s voice snapped Chanyeol out of his reverie. “I was on the phone with Jongdae just now.”
Junmyeon instantly lowered his head, his gaze averted to his cup of tea. There it goes, that familiar wince, Chanyeol thought.
Baekhyun pretended he didn’t notice the change in Junmyeon’s body gestures. “Jongdae’s internship ends this week, so he’ll come home next Monday.” Junmyeon didn’t need Baekhyun to inform him. He had been doing the countdown himself if the red crosses on his calendar indicate otherwise. “And we’ll throw a welcome home party for him and Yixing. Minseok and his friends from the Performing Arts faculty would be joining us too. Apparently, we have double celebrations.”
“Double celebrations?” Chanyeol cocked his head; his curious eyes searched Baekhyun’s face. Junmyeon also looked up and threw a curious glance at Baekhyun. “Yixing is engaged.”
The spoon in Junmyeon’s hand dropped on the saucer with a loud clank.
The couple stared at Junmyeon who froze in his seat, his pupils shaking and his hand froze in the position when he was still holding his spoon.
“Junmyeon.” Baekhyun reached out to place his hand on Junmyeon’s, his warm palm a huge contrast on the latter’s cold fingers as he gave it a light squeeze. “Junmyeon.”
“I have to go.” Junmyeon couldn’t look his friends in the eyes, fearing to see the sympathetic look on their faces. He pulled his hand away from Baekhyun, got up from his seat and fled from the cafeteria.
**
From his driver seat, Junmyeon could see the highest tower in the city. At the height of 30m, the tower was renowned for bungee jumping where thousands of visitors would come every year to experience bungee jumping. However, it was closed until further notice due to the nearing cold season.
Junmyeon wondered what was on the mind of those people when they stood at the top of the structure. Did the adrenaline rush thrill them to make the jump or did they actually regret doing it?
It was the latter that Junmyeon felt when he tried out bungee jumping once. His high school friends had teased him about his fear of heights, which according to them, made him a ‘pussy’. He had felt extremely insulted and without thinking of the consequences, he took up their challenge to go for bungee jumping. Junmyeon would always remember how his legs were trembling so bad that he could hardly stand when he was at the top of the tower. The nauseating feelings weighing in his stomach along with the premonitions that the cord might snap and he would get himself killed were more than enough reasons to call off his plan.
It was the similar feeling that he had when Junmyeon realized he was in love with Jongdae. As much as Junmyeon tried to constrain his feelings, Jongdae was like a magnet that pulled him closer and closer to him. The notion of falling in love, the feeling of falling in love, terrified Junmyeon. Love was a gamble after all; it had risks. He wasn’t sure whether Jongdae did return his feelings or whether Jongdae was the one for him. He was scared Jongdae was just like the rest of the temporary people in his life, the ones that left after he bore his heart and soul to them. But never did he expect that his fear has hurt the people around him, those who actually cared for him like Jongdae, Baekhyun and Chanyeol.
Kim Junmyeon had left people and relationships undefined in effort to protect himself but when Kim Jongdae walked out of his life, he realize, it wasn’t his fear of defining who cost him his best friend and the love of his life; it was him who pushed Jongdae away and let him run towards someone else’s arms instead of his.
**
Junmyeon rang the doorbell a few times just in case Baekhyun or Chanyeol couldn’t hear him. He could already hear the loud noises outside their shared apartment.
Minseok, a final year student and a good friend of Yixing’s, was the one who answered the door. “Hey, come on in. Baekhyun and Chanyeol are a little bit busy at the moment.” Junmyeon offered a polite smile before entering the unit. It was a huge crowd, Junmyeon had to say. The house was full with people that Junmyeon personally knew from the Performing Arts and his own English Linguistics program. At least it wouldn’t be too awkward, Junmyeon thought.
Yixing was chatting animatedly with the rest of his friends. When their eyes met, Yixing graced him a dimpled smile. Junmyeon made sure to return his smile with equal weight.
As Junmyeon promised to help out with the food preparation, he thought of asking Baekhyun or Chanyeol but the two of them were nowhere to be found. Junmyeon slipped out to the balcony as he began dialing Chanyeol’s number.
“Junmyeon.” His body became alert upon hearing the familiar high-pitched voice.
“Jongdae.” It almost felt unbelievable to see Jongdae standing right before him. Other than the pair of square-framed spectacles perched on his nose and a huge weight loss from his body, he looked exactly the same.
“Hi.”
Jongdae’s lips curled into a kittenish smile. “Hi.”
“You got thinner.” Jongdae casted a quick glance at himself before putting on an awkward smile. “Yeah, the food in China was great but it wasn’t really tailored for my taste buds.”
“You’ve always been picky with food. I’m surprised you actually survived in China.”
Jongdae shot glares at Junmyeon. “I am not picky with food, okay? I just have a higher standard for the food that I eat.”
Junmyeon chuckled. “Okay, Mr. Kim Zhong Da. Whatever that floats your boat.” Jongdae looked at him for a moment before his lips curved into a large grin.
Junmyeon was surprised at how they could fall into conversations so easily despite that they haven’t been talking to each other for half a year. But it was one of Jongdae’s long list of charming qualities. The man was such a people person that he was very easy to talk to.
“Congratulations on your engagement, Jongdae.” For a second, the said man’s brows furrowed with confusion before finally understanding what Junmyeon was saying.
“Junmyeon, I…” Jongdae wanted to say something but the cheering in the living room was getting louder and Junmyeon took it as a signal for him to join the rest.
“I think we should get inside.” Junmyeon gave a small smile and slid open the door to the living room, leaving Jongdae alone in his confusion.
**
Everyone was standing in a large circle with Yixing and another man that Junmyeon had never seen before being the centre of the attention.
“Well, everyone’s here now.” Yixing began after noticing Jongdae entering, right after Junmyeon settled himself between Minseok and another Chinese friend of Yixing’s. He beckoned for Jongdae to stand next to him and Jongdae obliged.
“First of all, thank you for throwing this welcome home party for me and Jongdae.” Everyone cheered and hooted as Yixing tried to calm everyone down, his dimples making an appearance, amused by his guests’ enthusiasm.
“I would like to use this opportunity to announce something.” Taking in the excited look on his friends’ face, Yixing grinned even wider. “I am engaged and I would like to introduce you to my fiancé, Yifan.” Everyone in the room stilled, eyes wide and confused as they stared at Jongdae, Yixing and Yifan.
“I would like to explain so that you wouldn’t make your own assumptions. Jongdae and I decided to call it off when we were doing our internship in China. No one cheated on anybody. We just thought that it was best for us to remain as friends and that was probably the best decision I’ve made because this wonderful guy turned out to be a brother that I could ever wish for.” Yixing wrapped his arms around Jongdae’s shoulder, giving him a comforting rub on his arms. Junmyeon saw Jongdae directed an appreciative smile to the Chinese man. As if he knew his eyes were on him, he turned toward Junmyeon’s direction. Their eyes met and Jongdae looked away, his handsome face sporting a nervous, embarrassed smile.
The awkward silence lasted for a minute or two before slow claps were heard and soon everyone was congratulating the newly engaged couple. Seeing how he was no longer needed around here, Jongdae slipped away from his friends and opted to stand at the side as they circled the couple and swamped them with questions on their relationships.
Driven by confusion, Junmyeon strode across the room and held on Jongdae’s arm, causing the other to jolt. “Can we talk in private?” Without waiting for Jongdae’s reply, Junmyeon pulled him into the guest room that he used whenever he slept over at the couple’s house.
“You didn’t say anything when I congratulated you just now.” Junmyeon snapped as soon as he shut the door behind him.
“I wanted to explain but you left me before I could even open my mouth.”
“I…” Junmyeon glanced at Jongdae, having the decency to feel embarrassed. “But why?”
“Well, I can tell you if you would have at least let me speak.” Jongdae huffed just like he always did whenever Junmyeon interrupted him or asked him too much questions. It felt like the old times when they used to banter- Jongdae always ready with his snarky comments and Junmyeon with his silent glare, his mind running hundred miles per hour to think of ways to get back at him.
“So, can I?” Jongdae broke the silence when Junmyeon’s intense stare was making him uncomfortable. Junmyeon nodded.
“I thought I had made the right choice to be with Yixing. He is wonderful; he is gentle, caring and every inch a gentleman. He is exactly what I dreamed for a perfect husband. And most importantly, he loves me more than I would ever love him.”
“Grandmother always says that I should be with someone who loves me more than I love them. In relationships, you are bound to get hurt when you love too much.” Jongdae shifted his body posture to lean against the balcony railings, bright eyes staring ahead at the opposite block. “I learned that from you.”
“But as nice as Yixing is, he is not you.” Junmyeon’s eyes grew wide. “When I was with him, I kept comparing him to you. I would always think of how you would have done it this way or that way when I saw him getting things done. When I saw his dimpled smile, I would remember how your eyes turned crescent whenever you laughed at the smallest things. And when I look into his eyes, I actually wish I was looking into yours.” Jongdae heaved a deep sigh. “And it wasn’t fair to Yixing. He deserves someone who can love him better than I do.”
“….” Junmyeon was at a loss for words. He was expecting to nurse his broken heart with bottles of soju tonight, not a romantic love confession at the balcony of his friends’ home under the moonlight.
“So, please say something because I wasn’t planning to confess to you tonight.”
“That was very cringe-worthy. I am pretty sure you even quoted lyrics.” A playful grin danced across his face as he took this gold opportunity to tease the hell out of Jongdae.
Jongdae was affronted. “Hey, that was a grade A confession coming from your top Linguistics student, okay? I can’t believe that you don’t know how to appreciate a great love confession. See if I’ll ever say it to you again.”
Junmyeon burst into laughter at Jongdae’s reaction. His laughter was infectious that Jongdae couldn’t resist smiling.
Jongdae started. “So,”
“So,” Junmyeon imitated him, the smile in his voice apparent.
“Are you seeing anyone now?” Junmyeon shook his head. “I’m waiting for a top Linguistics student to come home and recite a Shakespearean sonnet telling me how much he loves me.”
Jongdae looked amused.
“I would not say that I am no longer scared. Relationships are scary, after all, with so much at stake.” Jongdae nodded, comprehending where Junmyeon was coming from. “In fact, I am more terrified of the future than I will ever be because future is so unpredictable. We could be in love right now and you’ll leave me the next second I call you my boyfriend. But it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I love you and I want to give my best to you, to our relationship. I don’t want to die an old man without knowing how it felt to be in a relationship with you. At the very least, if it didn’t work out in the end, I want to be able to tell myself that I tried my best and the memories we had and the love we shared were worth the pain. So, would you like to be my boyfriend?”
Jongdae’s lips curled into an amused smile. Junmyeon knew this was going to be blackmail material for life but the look on Jongdae’s face was worth it. “Yes, Junmyeon, yes.”
“Fucking finally!” Baekhyun’s voice surprised them and the lovebirds turned only to find the rest of them watching behind the glass door.
“Finally! I swear that if I have to see Junmyeon brood for another day, I will die.”
“Hey, it wasn’t that bad!”
“No, Junmyeon. It’s quite bad. Your face was so long that I think it reached the floor.”
“What the hell? I did not, okay?”
**
Kim Junmyeon still hated labeling. He still firmly believed that labels were for inanimate objects, not for people and relationships. But he also believed that labels carried no meaning if one did not give them the power to hurt him or herself. He began to accept that pain and disappointment were part and parcel of life and there was no way to avoid them. The only thing he could do was to embrace them as a part of him in order to grow into a better person.
Jongdae used to chase and chase and Junmyeon never looked back. When he finally stopped to wait for Jongdae, the latter was already running to someone else instead. Junmyeon was lucky that he was given a second chance and this time, he made sure to hold Jongdae’s hand tight as they ran to the unknown future together.
“The right people- the ones who really belong in your life- will come to you and stay.”
- Will Smith