ghosts of our souls
ghosts of our souls
joy/zelo
slight agst/1597words
My my my darling
Just calling your name makes my heart overwhelmed
I want to become even bigger
So I can hold your entire existence
Every morning when she woke up, Sooyoung wondered whether she had became a better person than yesterday.
Junhong always got up before her, and seeing the side of the bed next to her empty, honestly hurt a little bit. Open blanket and crumpled sheets from the weight of his body, the warmth left there was slowly fading. Sooyoung would smooth it with her cold palms, a heavy sigh escaped her lips as her hands pulled up the blanket to her face, inhaled the scent of him lingered there. It smelt like lotion and detergent they use; it smelt like him.
Sooyoung could be considered as a lucky woman to be able to wake up to the scent of her dearest person. To be the last one to see his face and listen to his voice at the night. To be slowly drowned in his embrace and buried her face into his board chest. Yes, Sooyoung was lucky, except she didn’t understand why she couldn’t be fully happy.
When she stepped out from the bedroom, she would find Junhong in the kitchen; a spatula in his right hand, hair still wet from showering. He looked handsome and dashing like usual, and the sight of him made her heart clenched in pain. He would smile when he saw her, a pair of thin lines replaced his eyes, lips stretched into a wide grin, soft sunlight caressed his cheek.
Their morning routine would be including a breakfast for two, lively chatter she truly enjoyed, and kiss on the lips before he went for his class or work. Sooyoung never blamed the quietness of their apartment when he was gone, rather she blamed herself for feeling so lonely when she was alone.
It wasn’t a bad thing to be alone and lonely, she thought. It was the thing called jealousy that killed her slowly.
Sooyoung was jealous with Junhong, and the way he loved her.
No matter how hard Sooyoung had tried, she always fell behind. Junhong was… everything she wanted to be. To be loved by people around him and made them happy. To be smart and accomplished at his age. To be able to deal with his own problems and flaws. To be able to love her wholeheartedly, never once whined about her failure, always supported her and told her pretty words.
She didn’t like it when he was the only one who grew strong, while she was shrinking day by day.
It was like the feeling when she watched Junhong dancing on the stage, and the way light shone upon him, illuminating his tall figure in a bright spectrum. It was the feeling when people clapped their hands as the music dying, then completely went into silence and he bowed to the audience before him, but all Sooyoung could feel was confusion. She was proud of him, always proud of him, and she should be. But watching him gleaming alone there sent a pang of envy to her chest. It was something ugly, yes she knew, yet she couldn’t shake it off easily.
Many times when she walked the empty and cold street late at night from the class or part-time, Sooyoung wondered what had gone wrong. All the effort she did, where had they disappeared? She had been struggling with her study since her first year, even with Junhong’s help, it didn’t go any better. When Junhong graduated and she still couldn’t grasp what went wrong, the feeling surged up once again. Why couldn’t she do anything right?
The time they decided to move in together, Sooyoung thought it was a good idea. Perhaps with that, the rotten thing in her heart would be eroded little by little. Maybe, she could even set everything back on the right track.
It was, however, not entirely.
Days she spent with Junhong soothed her heart. She was happy to be together with him twenty-four seven and it should be a perfect life. Yet, watching him and his achievements every day made her craving for more. It would be never enough, Sooyoung thought. She wanted to be more like him, to be better, if it was not for her own self at least it was for Junhong.
She was afraid of her own hunger when she thought about what could happen in the future. What if she kept on failing? What if she couldn’t catch him up? That she would end up hated him, and then she would definitely despise herself for hating him. Her emotion started to eat her up, devoured her soul, tore her love for Junhong bit by bit.
A failure, she kept on thinking. She would never be able to love Junhong the way he loved her, and for that, Sooyoung loathed herself more.
When the night came and the two of them buried themselves under the blanket, with her back on his chest, and his chin rested on the top of her head, Sooyoung liked to think that everything would be all right. Junhong was here, close to her, almost felt like a part of her. There was no need to be envious of yourself, wasn’t it? But Junhong was never herself. Junhong was a completely different entity from her, and the jealousy was a part of human nature.
As she felt his soft breath grazed her hair and cheek, Sooyoung would silently mutter her prayer over and over again. Please, make me a better existence when I wake up tomorrow. Please, make me someone worth for him. Please, make me someone worth for myself.
This morning too when she woke up, she found Junhong was nowhere in their room. However, this time, she didn’t get up from the bed and walk to the living room to be greeted by his sunshine smile. She lingered beneath the blanket, staring blankly at the white ceiling, feeling her existence grew smaller and smaller as the clock on the nightstand ticking. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see him quickly, it was more like she was afraid of what the devil inside her head would tell her when she saw him.
“Sooyoung?”
Junhong stood on the door and stared at her with questioning eyes. When Sooyoung only replied back with a blank gaze, he made his way towards the bed and sat on her side. His eyebrows knitted together, thin lines decorating his forehead.
“Are you okay?”
Sooyoung forced her lips to curl up, trying to reassure him. She wanted to tell him she was okay, everything was okay, but words never made their way out from her mouth. Perhaps it was a lie, her being okay, but it was better to tell a lie than to make him worry.
She reached for him and leaned forward to place a kiss on his pale cheek.
“Good morning, Junhong.”
She felt the corner of his lips twitched at her kiss, and the next thing she knew was his muscular arms found their way to her, snaked around her body, held her close to him. She could smell the scent of fresh soap and toasted bread on his skin, and she liked it, she liked it too much.
“Hey, are you really okay?” he whispered in her right ear while resting his chin on her shoulder. Sooyoung buried her head deeper into his left chest and closed her eyes. She stayed there and listened to his steady beat. It was so calming, resonating in her own chest, like telling her he was here and would always be here for her.
"What if, one day I changed, what will you do?" she murmured.
Junhong let go of his hug and instead, he cupped her face in his hands, his eyes studied hers intently. Calloused fingers caressed her cheeks, and warmth started to spread on her face, to all over her body. Sooyoung stared back at the gaze that held her tightly, trying to search for an answer in his eyes.
"You know I'm not the type of guy who will say "don't change". Change is a frightful thing, but I don't want to tie you down. We all want to get better, don't we?" he sighed, then continued, "but if you don't want it, just stay like this is also okay. I just hoped that whatever thing changes in our life, it wouldn't change the fact that we're in love, that we love each other."
"You're really amazing." She traced his bare arm with her fingers until she found his fingers and then intertwined hers to his, locked them in her hold. He chuckled upon hearing her quiet mutter and leaned closer, placing his forehead on hers. Sooyoung could taste his breath; mint flavour from the toothpaste and mouthwash. She closed her eyes, thinking how much she loved this man, how much she looked up to him. It has no end, she thought, and at that time Sooyoung could almost be sure she would be able to love Junhong forever.
"Let's get out. Breakfast is ready."
A/N : hello, I don't know, to be honest, but this one is a little bit personal. But I'm sure a lot of people can relate, too. I mean, there's a time when we would feel insecure of our loved ones. I do, too. sometimes I feel jealous, I know I should be proud, and I'm proud. but at the same time, i'm also envious, and it confuses the hell out of me. maybe it's what they say of 20s crisis, haha.
joy/zelo
slight agst/1597words
My my my darling
Just calling your name makes my heart overwhelmed
I want to become even bigger
So I can hold your entire existence
Every morning when she woke up, Sooyoung wondered whether she had became a better person than yesterday.
Junhong always got up before her, and seeing the side of the bed next to her empty, honestly hurt a little bit. Open blanket and crumpled sheets from the weight of his body, the warmth left there was slowly fading. Sooyoung would smooth it with her cold palms, a heavy sigh escaped her lips as her hands pulled up the blanket to her face, inhaled the scent of him lingered there. It smelt like lotion and detergent they use; it smelt like him.
Sooyoung could be considered as a lucky woman to be able to wake up to the scent of her dearest person. To be the last one to see his face and listen to his voice at the night. To be slowly drowned in his embrace and buried her face into his board chest. Yes, Sooyoung was lucky, except she didn’t understand why she couldn’t be fully happy.
When she stepped out from the bedroom, she would find Junhong in the kitchen; a spatula in his right hand, hair still wet from showering. He looked handsome and dashing like usual, and the sight of him made her heart clenched in pain. He would smile when he saw her, a pair of thin lines replaced his eyes, lips stretched into a wide grin, soft sunlight caressed his cheek.
Their morning routine would be including a breakfast for two, lively chatter she truly enjoyed, and kiss on the lips before he went for his class or work. Sooyoung never blamed the quietness of their apartment when he was gone, rather she blamed herself for feeling so lonely when she was alone.
It wasn’t a bad thing to be alone and lonely, she thought. It was the thing called jealousy that killed her slowly.
Sooyoung was jealous with Junhong, and the way he loved her.
No matter how hard Sooyoung had tried, she always fell behind. Junhong was… everything she wanted to be. To be loved by people around him and made them happy. To be smart and accomplished at his age. To be able to deal with his own problems and flaws. To be able to love her wholeheartedly, never once whined about her failure, always supported her and told her pretty words.
She didn’t like it when he was the only one who grew strong, while she was shrinking day by day.
It was like the feeling when she watched Junhong dancing on the stage, and the way light shone upon him, illuminating his tall figure in a bright spectrum. It was the feeling when people clapped their hands as the music dying, then completely went into silence and he bowed to the audience before him, but all Sooyoung could feel was confusion. She was proud of him, always proud of him, and she should be. But watching him gleaming alone there sent a pang of envy to her chest. It was something ugly, yes she knew, yet she couldn’t shake it off easily.
Many times when she walked the empty and cold street late at night from the class or part-time, Sooyoung wondered what had gone wrong. All the effort she did, where had they disappeared? She had been struggling with her study since her first year, even with Junhong’s help, it didn’t go any better. When Junhong graduated and she still couldn’t grasp what went wrong, the feeling surged up once again. Why couldn’t she do anything right?
The time they decided to move in together, Sooyoung thought it was a good idea. Perhaps with that, the rotten thing in her heart would be eroded little by little. Maybe, she could even set everything back on the right track.
It was, however, not entirely.
Days she spent with Junhong soothed her heart. She was happy to be together with him twenty-four seven and it should be a perfect life. Yet, watching him and his achievements every day made her craving for more. It would be never enough, Sooyoung thought. She wanted to be more like him, to be better, if it was not for her own self at least it was for Junhong.
She was afraid of her own hunger when she thought about what could happen in the future. What if she kept on failing? What if she couldn’t catch him up? That she would end up hated him, and then she would definitely despise herself for hating him. Her emotion started to eat her up, devoured her soul, tore her love for Junhong bit by bit.
A failure, she kept on thinking. She would never be able to love Junhong the way he loved her, and for that, Sooyoung loathed herself more.
When the night came and the two of them buried themselves under the blanket, with her back on his chest, and his chin rested on the top of her head, Sooyoung liked to think that everything would be all right. Junhong was here, close to her, almost felt like a part of her. There was no need to be envious of yourself, wasn’t it? But Junhong was never herself. Junhong was a completely different entity from her, and the jealousy was a part of human nature.
As she felt his soft breath grazed her hair and cheek, Sooyoung would silently mutter her prayer over and over again. Please, make me a better existence when I wake up tomorrow. Please, make me someone worth for him. Please, make me someone worth for myself.
This morning too when she woke up, she found Junhong was nowhere in their room. However, this time, she didn’t get up from the bed and walk to the living room to be greeted by his sunshine smile. She lingered beneath the blanket, staring blankly at the white ceiling, feeling her existence grew smaller and smaller as the clock on the nightstand ticking. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see him quickly, it was more like she was afraid of what the devil inside her head would tell her when she saw him.
“Sooyoung?”
Junhong stood on the door and stared at her with questioning eyes. When Sooyoung only replied back with a blank gaze, he made his way towards the bed and sat on her side. His eyebrows knitted together, thin lines decorating his forehead.
“Are you okay?”
Sooyoung forced her lips to curl up, trying to reassure him. She wanted to tell him she was okay, everything was okay, but words never made their way out from her mouth. Perhaps it was a lie, her being okay, but it was better to tell a lie than to make him worry.
She reached for him and leaned forward to place a kiss on his pale cheek.
“Good morning, Junhong.”
She felt the corner of his lips twitched at her kiss, and the next thing she knew was his muscular arms found their way to her, snaked around her body, held her close to him. She could smell the scent of fresh soap and toasted bread on his skin, and she liked it, she liked it too much.
“Hey, are you really okay?” he whispered in her right ear while resting his chin on her shoulder. Sooyoung buried her head deeper into his left chest and closed her eyes. She stayed there and listened to his steady beat. It was so calming, resonating in her own chest, like telling her he was here and would always be here for her.
"What if, one day I changed, what will you do?" she murmured.
Junhong let go of his hug and instead, he cupped her face in his hands, his eyes studied hers intently. Calloused fingers caressed her cheeks, and warmth started to spread on her face, to all over her body. Sooyoung stared back at the gaze that held her tightly, trying to search for an answer in his eyes.
"You know I'm not the type of guy who will say "don't change". Change is a frightful thing, but I don't want to tie you down. We all want to get better, don't we?" he sighed, then continued, "but if you don't want it, just stay like this is also okay. I just hoped that whatever thing changes in our life, it wouldn't change the fact that we're in love, that we love each other."
"You're really amazing." She traced his bare arm with her fingers until she found his fingers and then intertwined hers to his, locked them in her hold. He chuckled upon hearing her quiet mutter and leaned closer, placing his forehead on hers. Sooyoung could taste his breath; mint flavour from the toothpaste and mouthwash. She closed her eyes, thinking how much she loved this man, how much she looked up to him. It has no end, she thought, and at that time Sooyoung could almost be sure she would be able to love Junhong forever.
"Let's get out. Breakfast is ready."
A/N : hello, I don't know, to be honest, but this one is a little bit personal. But I'm sure a lot of people can relate, too. I mean, there's a time when we would feel insecure of our loved ones. I do, too. sometimes I feel jealous, I know I should be proud, and I'm proud. but at the same time, i'm also envious, and it confuses the hell out of me. maybe it's what they say of 20s crisis, haha.