New Fantasy Story

[lilibet258]

Title: Stranger In Our Midst (Working Title) 
Chapter: 1/? 
Rating: PG-R 
Genre: Fantasy
Summary: Unknown to the royal family, a thread connects them almost from the first time a member of their clan took the throne. Divine intervention is in order against the demon who has caused so much havoc but the Goddess finds that her mercenaries are almost as

Comments

[w1nky]

Please vary your sentence length and structure. The first few paragraphs were exhausting to read. What I do: I read my work outloud. If I find myself getting out of breath, I start breaking up sentences. Cause see: "He removed his bag from the carriage which contained a Practical, gold to pay villagers, a gift that had been meant for the mistress of the house where he had stayed, and a roughly carved wooden figure resembling the king himself. This bag he handed to the merchant's daughter -- courtiers always seemed to need a task assigned to them -- for her to carry directly to his rooms as he would want to immediately unpack these personal items." That's a DOOZY of a sentence. That puppy could be broken up into three or four