(it seems to me)
Sometimes i don't take things seriously enough, and sometimes i take things way too seriously. Calling myself inexperienced is a cop-out, but i can't call myself inherently ill-natured, so it'll have to do. Forget relationships; i haven't experienced hardship. My parents dragged themselves out of poverty and religion and were fashioned all the stronger for it, so they determined that i would not have to go through the same. (I'm leaving my sister out of this discussion.) This puts the responsibility on me to make myself a decent person. I've a long way to go.
I used to tell myself (and had told to me) that i craved and forced in my life a certain amount of unwarranted drama . . . but i don't think that's quite it. I think i craved drama as a means of control, or of feeling superior somehow. I treat everything as a contest and keep wanting to make the last shot. And i guess this mode of thinking has won over since competition was my only time to shine in elementary & middle school. I was a fierce academic competitor, partially because it was the only way i knew to gain respect. So, in short, i became a math nerd. Yes, this was in large part a conscious choice; it didn't win me many friends, but people didn't think of me as inferior. It's fine for a math nerd to keep to xemself, away from the increasingly provocative crowds, and it was far too inviting to play humble and nonchalant, as though anyone could perform this well if only they possessed the drive. Corollarily, it was acceptable to gain attention by being clumsy and feign romantic and sexual disinterest to intrigue the inquisitives.
Somehow this went too far (i'd argue it began so); having discovered that i'm not especially gifted or insightful, i took modesty to heart . . . along with the collection of other invented characteristics that had so far distinguished me. In order to be clumsy i had to be absent-minded-small price to pay. In order to be asexual i had to avoid porn and keep myself generally sexually ignorant. (I'm sure several other traits could be incorporated here, but that's not so important. As for Godzilla fandom, don't worry-it's too much fun to have been constructed.) I avoided social activities for fear of giving up the game. I also became short-tempered against those who would challenge it. Fast forward.
However that short-temperedness progressed, it has now cost me my honor, my decency, and reduced me to that inferior sort of person who puts xir own game above the lives and feelings of others-of someone with whom, at times, i felt more comfortable than by myself. This may be part of it, actually; i've said some pretty hateful things to my parents with the (only partially subconscious) understanding that they would know better. I don't know if i should expect certain people i've known long enough to know better, but it's clear that they shouldn't have to-rather, that it shouldn't be an issue at all. So i guess my resolution should be never to speak emotional banter, to be always genuine. Good luck with that, i'd say, were i anyone else.
So, at age 23 and in my first year of Ph.D. school i'm finally trying to build maturity, outing myself in every way i can think of. Let me know if i've forgotten something. By the way, my legal middle name is "Cory", not "Cornelius", in case any of you weren't aware; but i think i've at least earned my choice of nicholasname. Anyway, no excuses, no more moping, no more "working on it". We'll see.
A common theme in the stories i've read/watched lately is the rare type of hero:
On the doubleplusgood side, it looks like i may opt out of the Donaldson-Brown next year in favor of the second room in Grant's apartment. Besides being conducive to our mathematical endeavors, i see several advantages to this, not the least of them the opportunity to hone (i.e. initiate) my cooking, mixing, and drinking skills. I may even start rolling my own cigarettes! [Mutilations censored.] I take it back! But in case any of you chain-smokers out there feel like stopping by, i may work up the skill merely as a welcoming gesture.
On the less-than-good side, i think i'm going to miss more people leaving this summer than ever before, particularly since i've effectively sealed my fate in the VT Math Department's Ph.D. program. No Göttingen (ha!), no UCSD, no Japan . . . well, there's still a chance i might study in Japan, given Dr. Shimozono's contacts there and the subject of my research having been studied, up to now, almost exclusively in Japan.
But first i must pass the Abstract Algebra prelim, dammit! Do not let me get sidetracked!
Yes, i do believe that's quite enough for now. Good-night, everyone, and pleasant dreams. In short, some sage advice: chill!
I used to tell myself (and had told to me) that i craved and forced in my life a certain amount of unwarranted drama . . . but i don't think that's quite it. I think i craved drama as a means of control, or of feeling superior somehow. I treat everything as a contest and keep wanting to make the last shot. And i guess this mode of thinking has won over since competition was my only time to shine in elementary & middle school. I was a fierce academic competitor, partially because it was the only way i knew to gain respect. So, in short, i became a math nerd. Yes, this was in large part a conscious choice; it didn't win me many friends, but people didn't think of me as inferior. It's fine for a math nerd to keep to xemself, away from the increasingly provocative crowds, and it was far too inviting to play humble and nonchalant, as though anyone could perform this well if only they possessed the drive. Corollarily, it was acceptable to gain attention by being clumsy and feign romantic and sexual disinterest to intrigue the inquisitives.
Somehow this went too far (i'd argue it began so); having discovered that i'm not especially gifted or insightful, i took modesty to heart . . . along with the collection of other invented characteristics that had so far distinguished me. In order to be clumsy i had to be absent-minded-small price to pay. In order to be asexual i had to avoid porn and keep myself generally sexually ignorant. (I'm sure several other traits could be incorporated here, but that's not so important. As for Godzilla fandom, don't worry-it's too much fun to have been constructed.) I avoided social activities for fear of giving up the game. I also became short-tempered against those who would challenge it. Fast forward.
However that short-temperedness progressed, it has now cost me my honor, my decency, and reduced me to that inferior sort of person who puts xir own game above the lives and feelings of others-of someone with whom, at times, i felt more comfortable than by myself. This may be part of it, actually; i've said some pretty hateful things to my parents with the (only partially subconscious) understanding that they would know better. I don't know if i should expect certain people i've known long enough to know better, but it's clear that they shouldn't have to-rather, that it shouldn't be an issue at all. So i guess my resolution should be never to speak emotional banter, to be always genuine. Good luck with that, i'd say, were i anyone else.
So, at age 23 and in my first year of Ph.D. school i'm finally trying to build maturity, outing myself in every way i can think of. Let me know if i've forgotten something. By the way, my legal middle name is "Cory", not "Cornelius", in case any of you weren't aware; but i think i've at least earned my choice of nicholasname. Anyway, no excuses, no more moping, no more "working on it". We'll see.
A common theme in the stories i've read/watched lately is the rare type of hero:
- Eddie Izzard brings Shaggy and Scooby-doo to our attention. How is it that two cowardly klutzes that habitually resort to the munchies to relax so appeal to us? No comment from me is necessary at this point.
- The Paper is an aloof and naïve bookworm with the grace of a spectral cat when the situation calls for it . . . ridiculously often.
- Elphaba needs no introduction.
- I can't remember the fourth one i was thinking of ten minutes ago, so i'll just mention that Heathcliff (from Wuthering Heights), despite still being one of my favorite characters from literature, i must admit was a pretty big fuck-up.
- Vash! Bloody blazes, how did i forget Vash the Stampede? Never a coward but ever the high-strung klutz, Vash retains his cheerful demeanor even while making an accidental target of himself to the whole world. I could learn a thing or two from this guy.
On the doubleplusgood side, it looks like i may opt out of the Donaldson-Brown next year in favor of the second room in Grant's apartment. Besides being conducive to our mathematical endeavors, i see several advantages to this, not the least of them the opportunity to hone (i.e. initiate) my cooking, mixing, and drinking skills. I may even start rolling my own cigarettes! [Mutilations censored.] I take it back! But in case any of you chain-smokers out there feel like stopping by, i may work up the skill merely as a welcoming gesture.
On the less-than-good side, i think i'm going to miss more people leaving this summer than ever before, particularly since i've effectively sealed my fate in the VT Math Department's Ph.D. program. No Göttingen (ha!), no UCSD, no Japan . . . well, there's still a chance i might study in Japan, given Dr. Shimozono's contacts there and the subject of my research having been studied, up to now, almost exclusively in Japan.
But first i must pass the Abstract Algebra prelim, dammit! Do not let me get sidetracked!
Yes, i do believe that's quite enough for now. Good-night, everyone, and pleasant dreams. In short, some sage advice: chill!