Hello Chapter 6
Title: Hello
Length: [6/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane
Author's Note: PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF ENTRY DATES AND NUMBERS. SKIPS ARE INTENTIONAL.
{ Chapter 1} { Chapter 2} { Chapter 3} { Chapter 4} { Chapter 5}
February 13, 2003
Entry Sixty-Four
I spent the rest of the evening covering every mirror and reflective surface in my house for when Jaejoong woke up. I never realized I had so many; it took me nearly two hours to cover everything, and by the time I finished Jaejoong had already woken up.
I entered my room to put away an unused sheet and saw him sitting up in my bed, rubbing his eyes and shaking.
“Where am I?” he whispered almost silently.
“You’re at my house Jaejoong,” I said, my voice sounding like thunder after his soft words. “Do you know how you got here?”
He shook his head and a tear fell from his eyes. “No,” he whimpered. “I don’t want to go home Yunho. Please don’t make me go home.”
I cautiously moved to sit beside him, hesitated before putting my hand on his face. “I won’t Jaejoong. Not right now,” I said as I stroked his cheek. “Tell me why you left and I’ll do whatever I can for you.”
The young boy’s eyes widened in horror at words I never said. “NO!!” he screamed. “Don’t send me back! Don’t make me go back! NO! NO! NO!” Once again Jaejoong’s hands were tightly pressed over his ears, his arms trapping me at an awkward angle beside him. I couldn’t do anything but lean forward and kiss him.
It was a viciously stupid thing to do; given the state that Jaejoong was in, he could have easily bitten or hit me without knowing the difference. I should have cared more.
Thankfully, neither of those things happened. Instead, he just froze under my touch. I was terrified that he would pull away from me, but he gradually relaxed into the kiss, slowly wrapping his arms around my neck before pulling me down on top of him. I let it go much further than I should have. Before I knew it my hands were caressing every bit of his pale skin I could reach, brushing all of it with light fingertips. That was the first time I noticed the bruises.
“What happened here?” I whispered as I kissed each one. He didn’t flinch like I expected.
“I tried to fix it,” he whispered as I kissed the dark bruises on his shoulders.
“Fix what?”
“Being ugly. I tried to make it better.”
My movements slowed. “Who told you that?” I asked bitterly.
“Umma. You too. You said I needed to be fixed, so I tried to help. I think I made it worse.” His forehead creased with worry. “Do you still like me?” he whispered.
My lips pressed against another dark stain. “Yes, I like you a lot.” I left one last kiss on his skin before pulling him up against my chest. “You’re beautiful Jaejoong. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Not you Umma, not Xiah, not Micky, not Choikang…”
“What about U-know?”
I wanted to look down at him but his doe eyes were wide open- vulnerable, beautiful. “We would never say that.”
February 14, 2003
Entry Sixty-Five
We did nothing more than kiss last night, but I dreamt about it while I slept on my couch. Thankfully I woke up and had already taken a cold shower by the time Jaejoong opened his eyes. I still don’t know what to do with him. I never found out why he was so adamant about not going home or why he ran away in the first place; he never told me and I never asked (I figured that could come later) and sending him home without getting that information could prove to be a huge mistake. Granted, schizophrenics aren’t credited for thinking rationally…
Still. I don’t know what to do with him. I can’t leave him here- Lord knows what he might do if he’s left alone in an unfamiliar place for an entire day- but I can’t exactly take him to work with me. I should call his mother. Actually, I should talk to him first. I will when I figure out what to say.
February 14, 2003
Entry Sixty-Six
I ended up taking him to work with me after calling his mother. She was insanely grateful that I’d found him, but Jaejoong was not so when I told him that I’d called her. I found out why.
“You should grab your clothes Jaejoong; we’re leaving in five minutes.”
Jaejoong raised his wide-eyed gaze from the breakfast I’d made him (and he’d done no more than play with.) “Leaving?” he panicked. “Leaving to go where?”
“My office. I called your Umma and she said she would pick you up there and bring you back later for your appointment.”
The plastic fork I’d given him clattered to the floor. “What?”
I sighed and pulled up a chair beside him, closing my eyes so I could get closer. “You can’t stay here Jaejoong,” I explained. “I have to go to work.”
“Why can’t you stay here with me?”
“I have other patients; they need me just as much as you do.”
My hand was suddenly locked in a death grip. “I need you more! Please don’t leave me. Don’t make me go back.”
“Tell me why and I’ll consider it,” I said carefully as I tried in vain to slip my hand out of his hold. “Can you close your eyes for me? I want to see you.”
“Will you let me stay if I do?”
“Maybe. Tell you what: I have the appointment right before yours open for a few days. If you want, you can tell your Umma to bring you in early and you can have both spots for a while.” I wish I could have seen his face light up.
“Really??”
I nodded, smiling despite myself. “An entire extra hour just for you.”
A weight slammed against my chest and two thin arms wrapped around my waist as soon as the words left my mouth. “Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou,” Jaejoong chanted against me, his words muffled slightly by my clothes.
Again I smiled and wrapped my arms around him in return. “Remember your end of this,” I chided softly as he freed his face. I wanted to look into his eyes… to gaze into the gateway of his soul and finally unlock the secrets of his mind. There was so much about him I didn’t know that I wish I did- that I’m not sure he can ever tell me. But he tries. I know he does.
His teeth captured his bottom lip and chewed nervously, uncertain eyes downcast and away from danger. “They told me… they told me he was coming back,” Jaejoong muttered. As soon as the words were in the air, he tried to bury his face in my chest, but I wouldn’t let him.
I took a gentle hold on his shoulders and pushed him back. “Who’s coming back?” I asked gently.
Jaejoong took a trembling breath. “He is.”
“Who is he?”
“He is!”
I sighed lightly and decided that would get me nowhere. “Do you see him?” I asked as I began to run my fingers through his hair. I hadn’t realized I’d done it until much later.
“Yes. Especially in your office. He’s in mirrors you know. He can see me then.” Jaejoong’s body resumed its shaking and he clenched a fist in my shirt. “I don’t like him Yunho… They don’t like him either. He… he…”
“He what?”
“Don’t make me go back. Please don’t make me go back.”
Our voices rose with every word spoke- more clipped, demanding. “Tell me what he does Jaejoong.”
“He knows…”
“Knows what?”
“Me!”
“What about you?”
“I’m terrible! Horrible child! Ugly, ugly, horrible child!” Like clockwork, Jaejoong began hitting his own shoulders, beating himself with tightly closed eyes. “Fix it fix it fix it!”
“Jaejoong what are you-”
“Horrible, horrible, horrible. Disgusting little thing!” His hits grew harder, his mutterings more incoherent.
I desperately tried to grab his wrists, but he kept slipping out of my hold. “Jaejoong stop it! Stop hurting yourself! Jaejoong!”
New bruises had already begun to blossom on his delicate skin both from his personal assault and the strong hold I finally got on his wrists. I pleaded with him to stop but it was as if I didn’t exist; he heard nothing besides the voices in his head telling him all those ridiculous lies…
Somehow I managed to stop his movements completely, and his chanting came to a slow end not long after. I held him close to me and whispered sweet nothings in his ear that really meant everything to me. I didn’t lie to him once. “Just talk to me Jaejoong. Don’t hurt yourself, just talk to me. You’re beautiful. So, so beautiful.”
“They don’t believe you…” he whispered.
“The only thing that matters is if you believe me. Do you?” I let go of his stilled arms, instead moving to caress his face when I thought it was safe. “Just talk to me.”
He sniffed. “Are you going to make me go back?” he asked softly.
My heart screamed no while my head said yes. I wished more than anything that I could keep him here, keep him with me so he wouldn’t have to live in this strange fear… but there was nothing I could do. Keeping him at my house would be far beyond scandalous- illegal even if his mother decided to press charges on me. That, and if he stayed with me for another night… I’m not sure I would be able to resist the temptation any longer. Him being here… with me… and no one to stop us from doing anything we want… anything I want… it’s terrifying. I couldn’t let it go on. I told myself that I wouldn’t let my desire for him consume me anymore, wouldn’t let it distract me anymore. I have to be Dr. Jung Yunho M.D. first-rate psychiatrist, not some love-sick teenager who can’t keep it in his pants.
Somehow I managed to regain myself enough to start speaking again, and a new determination rested itself over me. “I’ll see what I can do Jaejoong,” I said with a deep, steadying sigh. “But you have to be perfectly clear with me why you can’t go home. If I don’t understand I can’t help you.”
“He’s coming back there!” he practically screamed at me.
“I know, but you said that you see him in other places too. My office even, right? So you can probably see him here too. How is seeing him in your home any different than seeing him at mine?”
I breathed harshly against Jaejoong’s face, my hands unconsciously gripping his shoulders as his eyes snapped open and stared blankly at the top button of my shirt. “They don’t know what you do,” he said, his voice completely dazed.
I could only blink at him and loosen my grip on his shoulders. “What do I do?” I asked slowly, my hand unconsciously sliding up to his neck and playing with his silky hair.
“He doesn’t like you. He knows you’ll protect me. He knows you won’t let him hurt me. He stays behind your tree a lot and waits. I don’t know what he’s waiting for. He just is, and he won’t do it when you’re there.” His blank stare softened with a dull, masked fear I’d never seen in him before. He was so far gone from me, so damn far and I didn’t have the slightest idea what to say to him or what to do. He believes that I protect him from something that doesn’t even exist, something that only he can see… How am I supposed to do anything about that?
You’re a fucking psychiatrist Yunho. That’s how. Do your damn job some time.
“He doesn’t exist Jaejoong. Whoever he is, it’s all in your imagination. He can’t really hurt you,” I said, leaning down again to kiss the new bruises forming on his shoulders. “You’re just as safe at home as you are here.”
Jaejoong’s face burst back into expression. “No!” he cried.
“It is Jaejoong. I promise.”
His heated breath burned against my neck as I continued with the light kisses, his grip on my shirt becoming deathly tight. I knew I would have to iron it again before I went into the office, but Jaejoong didn’t notice at all. His mind was wandering around in a far-off place where no one else could reach him; lost, alone and terrified.
He took a deep shaking breath before speaking to me again in his snow dusted voice. “Will you protect me if I go back?” he whispered.
A strangled sigh left my lips and I brought our faces together, my eyes closed and hands trembling more than I want to admit. I wanted to be certain that I could do anything he wanted me to. I wanted so much…
“I’ll protect you no matter what Jaejoong. I promise.”
February 14, 2003
Entry Sixty-Seven
I don’t know why I didn’t expect Jaejoong to show up for Heechul’s session like I’d told him to, but as soon as Kibum left this morning I found myself walking out of my office to talk with my secretary.
Things between her and I are… slightly complicated. She’s a gorgeous woman, no doubt about that. Long, flowing brown hair framed her small face and brushed against her flawless skin, her thin frame emanating nothing but grace and beauty… I couldn’t help being attracted to her.
I ended up asking her out after two years of shameless flirting with each other on and off during the day in between patients, and she agreed with little thought. In truth, we didn’t act much differently while we were a couple though; the only addition to our existing relationship was an occasional make out session or a little bit of groping when we felt really adventurous. It’s not like we didn’t want to go farther- because believe me, I did- we were just always so exhausted from the endless amounts of work we workaholics seemed to thrust upon ourselves. She dealt with paperwork, scheduling, and phone calls all day long while I spoke to the mentally insane… Trust me, it’s tiring.
There was only one time that I invited her to my house after work one night, and we wound up falling asleep almost immediately after we ate dinner together. No cuddling, no sex, no deep conversation. I think we lasted for about a month (maybe not even that) but the mutual agreement to break up made everything go back to how it was before, almost as if nothing had happened at all- still flirting like highschoolers and still speaking like good friends. It’s a good thing too; I’m not sure what I would have done if I’d lost the best secretary anyone could ever have over something stupid like post-relationship awkwardness.
Back to the situation at hand, I guess I wasn’t really thinking much as I watched Kibum walk out the door. Okay, so I wasn’t even really watching him, I was just following him out to the lobby where my secretary was seated doing something I assumed to be work, but still. The point is that I wasn’t preparing for Jaejoong to come like I should have been.
Before I actually realized what I was doing, I had leaned up against her desk with a charming smile, elbows on the wooden surface and cheek resting in my hand.
“Good morning Yunho-shii,” she said without looking up from her work. “Heechul-shii still isn’t here yet, but h-”
“I know,” I cut in, keeping my smile in place to hide the guilt trying to wreak havoc in my chest. “I don’t expect him to be here for another few days. Did you tell Donghae-shii to send his medications to the hospital?”
Curtains of auburn fluttered around my secretary’s face as she shook her head lightly. “He brought it here this morning just as I got in. I was going to bring it to the hospital on my lunch break but the paperwork’s been piling up. You have a free hour, don’t you Dr. Jung?” Hyori finally looked up at me from her work, smiling sweetly and just daring me to say no to her implied request.
So, being the gentleman that I am, I let my smile slip into a smirk and blinked up at her. “Maybe. So what if I do?”
She rolled her chocolate brown eyes and completely turned away from her work to face me. “I’m sure you couldn’t possibly imagine what I’d be asking you for Yunho-shii,” she bit out, a hint of laughter ruining her annoyed façade. “Jaejoong-shii always gets here on time now, so there’s nothing you’d be missing if you helped your poor secretary out a bit, don’t you think?”
Glitter seemed to sparkle in her eyes as she blinked slowly and pouted, and for a fleeting second I wondered why I gave up kissing those plush lips whenever I wanted to. “Aren’t I paying you to do this sort of thing?” I countered.
Hyori scoffed. “That’s what you call it?”
“I pay you well!” I said indignantly as I splayed my hands on her desk and straightened. I pay her just fine. Honest.
“I have yet to buy myself a yacht and my own personal lake Jung Yunho; it’s not enough.” Thin, fabric-clad arms crossed over her chest as she leaned back in her chair, a smug grin twisting her lips and making the pink lip-gloss coating them shine. Somehow Hyori seemed to know what she was doing to me (I didn’t really know what exactly that was myself) and took it up a level by flipping her hair, barely grazing it over my cheek and lowering her voice “Speaking of… You never bought me lunch like you promised me you would a month ago. Changmin-ah always buys me things when he says he will.”
Sparks of anger suddenly flashed behind my eyes at the mention of Dr. Shim’s name. “That man’s crazy,” I bit out. My hands unconsciously balled into fists and my white knuckles contrasted nicely against the dark wood beneath them. “Who the hell does he think he is making doctors waste their time doing patient work? Just because he thinks we’re all going to have a mental breakdown and end up like-”
“Yunho…” Despite the call being soft, it grasped my attention and snapped me back into reality. A deep sorrow, almost like sympathy, shone in Hyori’s now downcast eyes, and I suddenly realized that she was no longer anywhere near me. “Forget I brought it up,” she muttered. “I’ll take Heechul-shii’s medication up to the hospital there as soon as I finish-”
“Don’t worry about it Hyori.”
She blinked up at me and froze. “What?”
“I’ll take Heechul’s medication to the hospital. You deserve a break,” I said with my forced smile back in place and shining at her as if nothing had happened.
“But Yunho I-”
I cut her off with a wink. “I got this Hyori. Be back in half an hour.” She didn’t move to stop me as I left my office and sped to the hospital.
Length: [6/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane
Author's Note: PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF ENTRY DATES AND NUMBERS. SKIPS ARE INTENTIONAL.
{ Chapter 1} { Chapter 2} { Chapter 3} { Chapter 4} { Chapter 5}
February 13, 2003
Entry Sixty-Four
I spent the rest of the evening covering every mirror and reflective surface in my house for when Jaejoong woke up. I never realized I had so many; it took me nearly two hours to cover everything, and by the time I finished Jaejoong had already woken up.
I entered my room to put away an unused sheet and saw him sitting up in my bed, rubbing his eyes and shaking.
“Where am I?” he whispered almost silently.
“You’re at my house Jaejoong,” I said, my voice sounding like thunder after his soft words. “Do you know how you got here?”
He shook his head and a tear fell from his eyes. “No,” he whimpered. “I don’t want to go home Yunho. Please don’t make me go home.”
I cautiously moved to sit beside him, hesitated before putting my hand on his face. “I won’t Jaejoong. Not right now,” I said as I stroked his cheek. “Tell me why you left and I’ll do whatever I can for you.”
The young boy’s eyes widened in horror at words I never said. “NO!!” he screamed. “Don’t send me back! Don’t make me go back! NO! NO! NO!” Once again Jaejoong’s hands were tightly pressed over his ears, his arms trapping me at an awkward angle beside him. I couldn’t do anything but lean forward and kiss him.
It was a viciously stupid thing to do; given the state that Jaejoong was in, he could have easily bitten or hit me without knowing the difference. I should have cared more.
Thankfully, neither of those things happened. Instead, he just froze under my touch. I was terrified that he would pull away from me, but he gradually relaxed into the kiss, slowly wrapping his arms around my neck before pulling me down on top of him. I let it go much further than I should have. Before I knew it my hands were caressing every bit of his pale skin I could reach, brushing all of it with light fingertips. That was the first time I noticed the bruises.
“What happened here?” I whispered as I kissed each one. He didn’t flinch like I expected.
“I tried to fix it,” he whispered as I kissed the dark bruises on his shoulders.
“Fix what?”
“Being ugly. I tried to make it better.”
My movements slowed. “Who told you that?” I asked bitterly.
“Umma. You too. You said I needed to be fixed, so I tried to help. I think I made it worse.” His forehead creased with worry. “Do you still like me?” he whispered.
My lips pressed against another dark stain. “Yes, I like you a lot.” I left one last kiss on his skin before pulling him up against my chest. “You’re beautiful Jaejoong. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Not you Umma, not Xiah, not Micky, not Choikang…”
“What about U-know?”
I wanted to look down at him but his doe eyes were wide open- vulnerable, beautiful. “We would never say that.”
February 14, 2003
Entry Sixty-Five
We did nothing more than kiss last night, but I dreamt about it while I slept on my couch. Thankfully I woke up and had already taken a cold shower by the time Jaejoong opened his eyes. I still don’t know what to do with him. I never found out why he was so adamant about not going home or why he ran away in the first place; he never told me and I never asked (I figured that could come later) and sending him home without getting that information could prove to be a huge mistake. Granted, schizophrenics aren’t credited for thinking rationally…
Still. I don’t know what to do with him. I can’t leave him here- Lord knows what he might do if he’s left alone in an unfamiliar place for an entire day- but I can’t exactly take him to work with me. I should call his mother. Actually, I should talk to him first. I will when I figure out what to say.
February 14, 2003
Entry Sixty-Six
I ended up taking him to work with me after calling his mother. She was insanely grateful that I’d found him, but Jaejoong was not so when I told him that I’d called her. I found out why.
“You should grab your clothes Jaejoong; we’re leaving in five minutes.”
Jaejoong raised his wide-eyed gaze from the breakfast I’d made him (and he’d done no more than play with.) “Leaving?” he panicked. “Leaving to go where?”
“My office. I called your Umma and she said she would pick you up there and bring you back later for your appointment.”
The plastic fork I’d given him clattered to the floor. “What?”
I sighed and pulled up a chair beside him, closing my eyes so I could get closer. “You can’t stay here Jaejoong,” I explained. “I have to go to work.”
“Why can’t you stay here with me?”
“I have other patients; they need me just as much as you do.”
My hand was suddenly locked in a death grip. “I need you more! Please don’t leave me. Don’t make me go back.”
“Tell me why and I’ll consider it,” I said carefully as I tried in vain to slip my hand out of his hold. “Can you close your eyes for me? I want to see you.”
“Will you let me stay if I do?”
“Maybe. Tell you what: I have the appointment right before yours open for a few days. If you want, you can tell your Umma to bring you in early and you can have both spots for a while.” I wish I could have seen his face light up.
“Really??”
I nodded, smiling despite myself. “An entire extra hour just for you.”
A weight slammed against my chest and two thin arms wrapped around my waist as soon as the words left my mouth. “Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou,” Jaejoong chanted against me, his words muffled slightly by my clothes.
Again I smiled and wrapped my arms around him in return. “Remember your end of this,” I chided softly as he freed his face. I wanted to look into his eyes… to gaze into the gateway of his soul and finally unlock the secrets of his mind. There was so much about him I didn’t know that I wish I did- that I’m not sure he can ever tell me. But he tries. I know he does.
His teeth captured his bottom lip and chewed nervously, uncertain eyes downcast and away from danger. “They told me… they told me he was coming back,” Jaejoong muttered. As soon as the words were in the air, he tried to bury his face in my chest, but I wouldn’t let him.
I took a gentle hold on his shoulders and pushed him back. “Who’s coming back?” I asked gently.
Jaejoong took a trembling breath. “He is.”
“Who is he?”
“He is!”
I sighed lightly and decided that would get me nowhere. “Do you see him?” I asked as I began to run my fingers through his hair. I hadn’t realized I’d done it until much later.
“Yes. Especially in your office. He’s in mirrors you know. He can see me then.” Jaejoong’s body resumed its shaking and he clenched a fist in my shirt. “I don’t like him Yunho… They don’t like him either. He… he…”
“He what?”
“Don’t make me go back. Please don’t make me go back.”
Our voices rose with every word spoke- more clipped, demanding. “Tell me what he does Jaejoong.”
“He knows…”
“Knows what?”
“Me!”
“What about you?”
“I’m terrible! Horrible child! Ugly, ugly, horrible child!” Like clockwork, Jaejoong began hitting his own shoulders, beating himself with tightly closed eyes. “Fix it fix it fix it!”
“Jaejoong what are you-”
“Horrible, horrible, horrible. Disgusting little thing!” His hits grew harder, his mutterings more incoherent.
I desperately tried to grab his wrists, but he kept slipping out of my hold. “Jaejoong stop it! Stop hurting yourself! Jaejoong!”
New bruises had already begun to blossom on his delicate skin both from his personal assault and the strong hold I finally got on his wrists. I pleaded with him to stop but it was as if I didn’t exist; he heard nothing besides the voices in his head telling him all those ridiculous lies…
Somehow I managed to stop his movements completely, and his chanting came to a slow end not long after. I held him close to me and whispered sweet nothings in his ear that really meant everything to me. I didn’t lie to him once. “Just talk to me Jaejoong. Don’t hurt yourself, just talk to me. You’re beautiful. So, so beautiful.”
“They don’t believe you…” he whispered.
“The only thing that matters is if you believe me. Do you?” I let go of his stilled arms, instead moving to caress his face when I thought it was safe. “Just talk to me.”
He sniffed. “Are you going to make me go back?” he asked softly.
My heart screamed no while my head said yes. I wished more than anything that I could keep him here, keep him with me so he wouldn’t have to live in this strange fear… but there was nothing I could do. Keeping him at my house would be far beyond scandalous- illegal even if his mother decided to press charges on me. That, and if he stayed with me for another night… I’m not sure I would be able to resist the temptation any longer. Him being here… with me… and no one to stop us from doing anything we want… anything I want… it’s terrifying. I couldn’t let it go on. I told myself that I wouldn’t let my desire for him consume me anymore, wouldn’t let it distract me anymore. I have to be Dr. Jung Yunho M.D. first-rate psychiatrist, not some love-sick teenager who can’t keep it in his pants.
Somehow I managed to regain myself enough to start speaking again, and a new determination rested itself over me. “I’ll see what I can do Jaejoong,” I said with a deep, steadying sigh. “But you have to be perfectly clear with me why you can’t go home. If I don’t understand I can’t help you.”
“He’s coming back there!” he practically screamed at me.
“I know, but you said that you see him in other places too. My office even, right? So you can probably see him here too. How is seeing him in your home any different than seeing him at mine?”
I breathed harshly against Jaejoong’s face, my hands unconsciously gripping his shoulders as his eyes snapped open and stared blankly at the top button of my shirt. “They don’t know what you do,” he said, his voice completely dazed.
I could only blink at him and loosen my grip on his shoulders. “What do I do?” I asked slowly, my hand unconsciously sliding up to his neck and playing with his silky hair.
“He doesn’t like you. He knows you’ll protect me. He knows you won’t let him hurt me. He stays behind your tree a lot and waits. I don’t know what he’s waiting for. He just is, and he won’t do it when you’re there.” His blank stare softened with a dull, masked fear I’d never seen in him before. He was so far gone from me, so damn far and I didn’t have the slightest idea what to say to him or what to do. He believes that I protect him from something that doesn’t even exist, something that only he can see… How am I supposed to do anything about that?
You’re a fucking psychiatrist Yunho. That’s how. Do your damn job some time.
“He doesn’t exist Jaejoong. Whoever he is, it’s all in your imagination. He can’t really hurt you,” I said, leaning down again to kiss the new bruises forming on his shoulders. “You’re just as safe at home as you are here.”
Jaejoong’s face burst back into expression. “No!” he cried.
“It is Jaejoong. I promise.”
His heated breath burned against my neck as I continued with the light kisses, his grip on my shirt becoming deathly tight. I knew I would have to iron it again before I went into the office, but Jaejoong didn’t notice at all. His mind was wandering around in a far-off place where no one else could reach him; lost, alone and terrified.
He took a deep shaking breath before speaking to me again in his snow dusted voice. “Will you protect me if I go back?” he whispered.
A strangled sigh left my lips and I brought our faces together, my eyes closed and hands trembling more than I want to admit. I wanted to be certain that I could do anything he wanted me to. I wanted so much…
“I’ll protect you no matter what Jaejoong. I promise.”
February 14, 2003
Entry Sixty-Seven
I don’t know why I didn’t expect Jaejoong to show up for Heechul’s session like I’d told him to, but as soon as Kibum left this morning I found myself walking out of my office to talk with my secretary.
Things between her and I are… slightly complicated. She’s a gorgeous woman, no doubt about that. Long, flowing brown hair framed her small face and brushed against her flawless skin, her thin frame emanating nothing but grace and beauty… I couldn’t help being attracted to her.
I ended up asking her out after two years of shameless flirting with each other on and off during the day in between patients, and she agreed with little thought. In truth, we didn’t act much differently while we were a couple though; the only addition to our existing relationship was an occasional make out session or a little bit of groping when we felt really adventurous. It’s not like we didn’t want to go farther- because believe me, I did- we were just always so exhausted from the endless amounts of work we workaholics seemed to thrust upon ourselves. She dealt with paperwork, scheduling, and phone calls all day long while I spoke to the mentally insane… Trust me, it’s tiring.
There was only one time that I invited her to my house after work one night, and we wound up falling asleep almost immediately after we ate dinner together. No cuddling, no sex, no deep conversation. I think we lasted for about a month (maybe not even that) but the mutual agreement to break up made everything go back to how it was before, almost as if nothing had happened at all- still flirting like highschoolers and still speaking like good friends. It’s a good thing too; I’m not sure what I would have done if I’d lost the best secretary anyone could ever have over something stupid like post-relationship awkwardness.
Back to the situation at hand, I guess I wasn’t really thinking much as I watched Kibum walk out the door. Okay, so I wasn’t even really watching him, I was just following him out to the lobby where my secretary was seated doing something I assumed to be work, but still. The point is that I wasn’t preparing for Jaejoong to come like I should have been.
Before I actually realized what I was doing, I had leaned up against her desk with a charming smile, elbows on the wooden surface and cheek resting in my hand.
“Good morning Yunho-shii,” she said without looking up from her work. “Heechul-shii still isn’t here yet, but h-”
“I know,” I cut in, keeping my smile in place to hide the guilt trying to wreak havoc in my chest. “I don’t expect him to be here for another few days. Did you tell Donghae-shii to send his medications to the hospital?”
Curtains of auburn fluttered around my secretary’s face as she shook her head lightly. “He brought it here this morning just as I got in. I was going to bring it to the hospital on my lunch break but the paperwork’s been piling up. You have a free hour, don’t you Dr. Jung?” Hyori finally looked up at me from her work, smiling sweetly and just daring me to say no to her implied request.
So, being the gentleman that I am, I let my smile slip into a smirk and blinked up at her. “Maybe. So what if I do?”
She rolled her chocolate brown eyes and completely turned away from her work to face me. “I’m sure you couldn’t possibly imagine what I’d be asking you for Yunho-shii,” she bit out, a hint of laughter ruining her annoyed façade. “Jaejoong-shii always gets here on time now, so there’s nothing you’d be missing if you helped your poor secretary out a bit, don’t you think?”
Glitter seemed to sparkle in her eyes as she blinked slowly and pouted, and for a fleeting second I wondered why I gave up kissing those plush lips whenever I wanted to. “Aren’t I paying you to do this sort of thing?” I countered.
Hyori scoffed. “That’s what you call it?”
“I pay you well!” I said indignantly as I splayed my hands on her desk and straightened. I pay her just fine. Honest.
“I have yet to buy myself a yacht and my own personal lake Jung Yunho; it’s not enough.” Thin, fabric-clad arms crossed over her chest as she leaned back in her chair, a smug grin twisting her lips and making the pink lip-gloss coating them shine. Somehow Hyori seemed to know what she was doing to me (I didn’t really know what exactly that was myself) and took it up a level by flipping her hair, barely grazing it over my cheek and lowering her voice “Speaking of… You never bought me lunch like you promised me you would a month ago. Changmin-ah always buys me things when he says he will.”
Sparks of anger suddenly flashed behind my eyes at the mention of Dr. Shim’s name. “That man’s crazy,” I bit out. My hands unconsciously balled into fists and my white knuckles contrasted nicely against the dark wood beneath them. “Who the hell does he think he is making doctors waste their time doing patient work? Just because he thinks we’re all going to have a mental breakdown and end up like-”
“Yunho…” Despite the call being soft, it grasped my attention and snapped me back into reality. A deep sorrow, almost like sympathy, shone in Hyori’s now downcast eyes, and I suddenly realized that she was no longer anywhere near me. “Forget I brought it up,” she muttered. “I’ll take Heechul-shii’s medication up to the hospital there as soon as I finish-”
“Don’t worry about it Hyori.”
She blinked up at me and froze. “What?”
“I’ll take Heechul’s medication to the hospital. You deserve a break,” I said with my forced smile back in place and shining at her as if nothing had happened.
“But Yunho I-”
I cut her off with a wink. “I got this Hyori. Be back in half an hour.” She didn’t move to stop me as I left my office and sped to the hospital.