Comments | covenmouse: BF Dec Week 1 & Origfic Bingo

covenmouse

BF Dec Week 1 & Origfic Bingo - Endangered short

Nov 29, 2010 10:51

Title: The Price You Pay
Prompt (Bridget's Flame): Lie to Me
Prompt (OrigFic Bingo): Slavery
Word Count: 550
Verse: Endangered
Warnings: None
Characters: Osías
Summary: A delivery on a rainy night.

( Rain splattered freely upon the windshield... )

^original, *endangered, ^bingo, ^brigit's flame

Comments 6

unnameduntamed December 1 2010, 10:16:13 UTC

I like it - well written and thought-provoking. It certainly raises some big questions to me about how endangered animals feel about being put in captivity and the conflict of safety versus freedom. Very well done.
Favourite part;
"He risked another glance and was mutely surprised to find the girl against the cage. Fingers as pale as a ghost's were curled into the grating, holding her against it even as the van shuddered over pot holes. She'd moved without a sound; at least, no sound that he could hear over the howling of the storm."
Brilliant description - chilling but beautiful. I also think the personality of the driver is wonderful as well.

covenmouse December 1 2010, 15:42:54 UTC

X3 Thank you so much. I... wish I had something better to say to such a nice review, but I'm just blushing. <3

unnameduntamed December 1 2010, 15:48:04 UTC

All good lol.
Just had to say you have some awesome icons! Addams Family and Sailor Moon - I could totally high five you right now!

giinabiina December 8 2010, 14:42:05 UTC

Wow, this was wonderful! The whole time I was freaked out about what this guy was doing to this girl, and the fact that it was an animal really put into perspective how scary it must be for animals to be taken away from their natural habitat. As unnameduntamed said, I do wonder how they feel about it.

It definitely got me thinking! Good job :)

jamiekswriter December 13 2010, 19:33:47 UTC

Hi, I'm new to Brigit's Flame and I wanted to leave you some feedback. Please take what you need from it and disregard the rest ( ... )

der_verstand December 16 2010, 13:50:56 UTC

I enjoyed the mood of this piece. Your descriptions were also nicely done and you created the feeling of a cold, rainy night very well. At first, I was rather anxious to find out what on earth the man was doing with this girl in a cage. That sort of thing usually does not bode well. :P

I am unsure whether or not this is due to me being tired (it is rather late), but when I first read this story, I did not pick up on the fact she was a unicorn. Calling her a girl throughout made me rather confused as to what she was. It appears others picked up on the fact she was a unicorn, but for me, it was rather vague.

As I said, I still enjoyed the story. You have a nice writing style that flows well. :]