Life in Purgatory ch. 13
Title: Life in Purgatory
Chapter: 13/?
Rating: R
Crossover: Super Junior, DBSK
Genre: Angst, AU,
Summary: Society is crumbling; salvation walks the earth once more.
"This the place?" YoungSaeng looked up at the nightclub in front of them, hearing the loud music even outside. He was shivering a little from the cold, but looking forward to getting out and about. Staying inside was not helping the situation, as much as he enjoyed spending the entire day in bed.
"Looks like it, I've never actually been here before," HyunJoong said, his arm around YoungSaeng's waist as they started for the door. There were a few people standing outside, but no one bothered them as they went in, HyunJoong keeping YoungSaeng's hand in his own as he tried to clear a path through the people. The music was loud, but it felt good, it would be a nice distraction. He led them through to an empty booth at the side of the room, letting YoungSaeng sit down first. "Interesting place," he said into YoungSaeng's ear.
"Interesting and loud," YoungSaeng chuckled as he turned his head to brush his lips against HyunJoong's ear, the only way he could make himself heard. The bass was shaking the seat. The good side of it was that it was far too loud for his thoughts to wander. Pulling HyunJoong down into the booth beside him, he looking around at those on the dance floor. "Should we get drinks, or wait?"
"I'll get us some drinks if you want," HyunJoong said, kissing YoungSaeng's ear lightly. "I'll be right back, promise," he said starting to slide out again.
"You better be," YoungSaeng squeezed HyunJoong's hand before letting go. He watched the crowd of dancers, entranced by the music.
After HyunJoong disappeared into the crowd, a figure sat down in the booth, smiling a wide smile at YoungSaeng. "Hi, you look familiar, have we met?" the man said, tilting his head suggestively to the side. "If not, I'd like to get to know you better."
Feeling a weird buzzing in the back of his head, YoungSaeng turned his head to look at the person beside him - and stiffened, jaw clenching. "Yes we have met, and you can leave," he said darkly, eyes narrowed.
"Aw, don't be like that," the man scooted closer, leaning towards YoungSaeng. "I'm a nice guy, and you are... quite good looking. What's your name? Where have we met?"
YoungSaeng pushed himself back in the booth, scowling. "I'm not interested, and you can stay away from me," he hissed.
The man's head tilted to the side at the reaction, his eyes narrowing slightly. "We have met before.... where...?" Before he could finish his thought, a hand grabbed at the back of his collar and dragged him out of the collar. "Yah! Let go!"
"Get away from my boyfriend," HyunJoong seethed, pushing the man away. When he got a good look at who it was, he paled and took a step back. "HeeChul."
"What's the big idea I was just..." HeeChul dusted himself off and looked up, stopping in mid sentence. "Yeah? Wait... I know you too... The guy with the boyfriend! Oh right, right, and you're the boyfriend," he pointed at YoungSaeng.
"Yes I am, and if you don't leave right now I'll make sure you never get into anyone's pants ever again!" YoungSaeng was pissed, standing up from the booth and looking like he was ready to follow up on his threat.
"Woah, okay there, no need for violence," HeeChul's hands were up and he backed up a step. "I wasn't the one who had a boyfriend, why are you trying to hurt me?"
"Just go away, I don't want to talk to you, or look at you, and stay the fuck away from my boyfriend," HyunJoong said, pushing HeeChul away further.
"Hey, I didn't know he was your boyfriend, but it's too bad he's not as liberal as you were when it came to when you cared about having a boyfriend or not," HeeChul said, stepping away again. "Catch you later," he waved, disappearing into the crowd.
Hands clenched into shaking fists, YoungSaeng stood there trembling in anger. "I should have castrated him when I had the chance." He refused to think about what HeeChul had said.
HyunJoong slowly sat down at the table, head in his hands. Was it impossible to go one day without being reminded that he'd cheated? "I'm sorry, he's an ass, if I had known he would be here... I'm sorry Saeng."
Closing his eyes for a moment, YoungSaeng tried to calm down, breathing slowly through his nose. "It's not your fault, you didn't know he'd be here, or that he'd be stupid enough to try flirting with me." He sat down next to HyunJoong.
"We can go if you want, there's other clubs," HyunJoong said, looking up at YoungSaeng tiredly. "You know, it's weird... I didn't even make it to the bar, I felt like a weird... noise in my head and turned and there he was."
"Maybe we should just avoid clubs and go watch a movie or something," YoungSaeng sighed, before blinking. "I heard a weird sound just before he sat down and started talking to me."
"You don't think... no..." HyunJoong shook his head slowly as realization kicked in. "Oh shit, he's one of us isn't he?"
"..." YoungSaeng scowled. Of all people... "Well I'm not running after him," he crossed his arms in front of his chest. Why the hell did it have to be HeeChul, he'd kill him as soon as get along with him.
"And you'd kill me if I tried," HyunJoong said, shaking his head. "I know this is a bad, very bad subject, but I guess it makes sense why it was him," he said, risking a glance at YoungSaeng. "It felt the same like when I first met you."
YoungSaeng stiffened at that, hands clenching into fists in his lap. "So you're saying that what we felt when we first met wasn't love at all, but this stupid 'recognizing another one of us' feeling?"
"What?" HyunJoong's head snapped to the side. "No, no not at all, I'm just saying it felt similar," he said, knowing he was sinking fast. "Saeng, I love you, I knew from the moment I met you I wanted to be with you. It's not the same."
"But you just finished saying it was the same. If we didn't know what that feeling meant at the beginning..." YoungSaeng looked up at HyunJoong, pain in his eyes. "Hyun, if you don't want to be with me, I need to know now. What is your heart telling you?"
HyunJoong swallowed thickly, wanting more than anything to tell YoungSaeng that he loved him no matter what, that his heart was only for him. Pushing it all down, he took YoungSaeng's hand, holding it tightly. "My heart is telling me, that I love you. I made a promise to you that I wasn't going to hurt you again, and I'm going to keep that promise."
Tears filled YoungSaeng's eyes before he shut them tightly. "I'm holding you to that Kim HyunJoong," he whispered. If HyunJoong hadn't made that promise to him, would they still have any chance at being together? "No...I'm holding you to a different promise. That if your heart were to ever change, I'd be the first person to know." He held onto HyunJoong's hand tightly in both of his own.
Biting down on his lip, HyunJoong took a deep breath, having to look away from YoungSaeng's eyes. He didn't want to have to make that promise, but as far as he was concerned, no one could take YoungSaeng's place in his heart... but he already knew the truth. "I promise Saeng," he said, pulling his boyfriend closer to rest their foreheads together. "I promise."
Lower lip trembling slightly, YoungSaeng wrapped his arms around HyunJoong's neck and kissed him softly, not wanting to let go. But he knew the truth as well. "I love you," he whispered, voice cracking slightly.
"I love you too," HyunJoong replied, closing his eyes tightly, clinging to YoungSaeng like a lifeline. How did it get like this? Why couldn't he just be with YoungSaeng, like he had thought he would be for the rest of his life. Those kind of thoughts killed him inside. He had to make it with YoungSaeng, there was no other option. He had to be a good boyfriend.
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The next few days took their toll on YoungSaeng. Besides stressing out about the situation with HyunJoong, and trying not to think about KyuJong, the nightmares had started up again. Every few nights he'd wake up in a panic, searching for something he didn't know in the darkness at the corners of the room. Each time, he could only remember he had been chased, and the feeling of a hand pulling him on, urging him to go faster.
He'd avoided HyungJoon and Zhou Mi while in school, not wanting them to keep repeating what they'd been saying all along. Most of the time he'd stay in the library, looking up religious texts to try and find reference to the 'four pillars of destruction', without luck.
At this rate, he was going to pull a HyungJoon and fall asleep in the middle of class, he sighed to himself as he left the school early. HyunJoong wouldn't be home for several hours, maybe he'd just go back to the apartment early and try to get some sleep. Except he'd missed the bus, so he'd have to walk back. Shivering in the cold, he walked down the street, hands jammed in his pockets.
Looking up, he blinked at a sign for a donation stand at a local daycare. Something about it tugged at him, shrugging slightly before going to the entrance. It wasn't as if he had to be anywhere.
Someone inside looked up when YoungSaeng approached, eyes widening and breath catching in his throat. KyuJong hadn't expected to see YoungSaeng, not for a while, and definitely not on his own. Setting down the couple of toys he'd been putting away, he slowly stood up. One of the other volunteers tried to get his attention but he was purely focused on YoungSaeng at that moment, walking towards him slowly, fearing he'd bolt. "YoungSaeng?" he said quietly.
This was a bad idea, YoungSaeng thought as he suddenly felt that strong pull again, so powerful he was nearly knocked off his feet. Breath hitching, he turned until he saw KyuJong, wide eyes meeting the younger man's. A very, very bad idea. He'd felt drawn to come in, why hadn't he realized why and just kept walking?
"K...KyuJong," he whispered, trying to tear his gaze away from the younger man's. Without HyunJoong there to ground him he felt dizzy, overwhelmed. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't realize...I should go..."
"Wait!" KyuJong took a step forward, his hand outstretched. "Please...just... wait," he said. "I just want to talk," he stuttered a little, coming closer.
YoungSaeng's eyes widened further, heart racing in his chest with every step closer KyuJong took. "Don't...don't come any closer," he forced himself to take a step back, shaking. "Please."
If KyuJong got much closer, he didn't know how well his self-control would last.
"Let's.. let's go outside, okay?" KyuJong said, glancing back at the other volunteers who were giving YoungSaeng a strange look. "I just want to talk, we haven't even got to say anything to each other yet. Please?"
YoungSaeng knew he should refuse, and walk out right now, but his head was spinning and he couldn't get his mind to focus on anything that wasn't the younger man right in front of him. Just a few steps...
Swallowing and forcing himself to look away, he clenched his hands in his pockets. "Y-yeah...sure. Just for a minute." Just a minute, then he'd leave. For sure. YoungSaeng straightened and stepped back towards the door, avoiding looking at the younger man as he stepped outside, shivering at the cold air.
Grabbing his coat, KyuJong followed YoungSaeng outside, away from the windows and out of the chill of the wind. "I would ask why you're here but... I think we both know why you came in," he said, looking down at his shoes, glancing up at YoungSaeng briefly.
Heart hammering audibly, YoungSaeng didn't dare look at KyuJong again, for fear he'd do something stupid. "Maybe I just came in to see what was going on," he said, looking to the side and refusing to admit it had been because he'd sensed KyuJong was just inside the door.
"You and I both know that isn't the case," KyuJong said, hugging his arms tightly. "I don't... I don't want to get in the way of your relationship," he said, and he meant it. Breaking people up was not on his to do list. "So, I think we need to work together to make sure that we... control this. Right?"
"I don't think it's something that we can control," YoungSaeng shook his head. He'd realized that the last time he'd seen KyuJong in Zhou Mi's office; if anything, the pull had gotten worse. "I think the best we can do is just...not be around each other." Before he could jump KyuJong right here.
"But Zhou Mi said that we're going to have to be around each other," KyuJong said, looking up again. "I... don't... want to stay away from you," he said quietly.
YoungSaeng swallowed thickly. He didn't want to stay away from KyuJong either, and that was what he was afraid of. "I know, and I'm sorry," he whispered, shivering more. "I really am...but...I have a boyfriend, I love him dearly, and the longer I stay around you the more scared I am I won't be faithful to him. Please understand."
"Doesn't that say something though?" KyuJong whispered, stepping closer. He could hear YoungSaeng's shaky breath the closer he got, his eyes fixed on YoungSaeng's lips. "You love him, but you want me, don't you? I want you... I have never... never wanted to touch someone as much as I want to touch you... just to hold your hand."
Seeing KyuJong stepping closer out of the corner of his eyes, YoungSaeng forced himself to keep looking away, not willing to be caught. "It doesn't...it doesn't matter..." He couldn't make himself take another step back. "KyuJong, please don't come any closer."
"But I want to," KyuJong replied, taking another step. If he lifted up his hand, he could take YoungSaeng's hand, pull him close and kiss him like he wanted to. "And it does matter, it matters because seeing you with him, it hurt so much, and I don't know why. I don't even know you, but I know that you and I are perfect for each other. I knew that the second we met eyes at the restaurant."
Startled by the sudden proximity, YoungSaeng looked up instinctively, meeting KyuJong's eyes. They were a soft chocolate color, so warm and inviting. For once he didn't feel like he wasn't good enough for someone, that he had to be better. This was just perfect...and without realizing it he was leaning in a little...
- Only to snap out of it, eyes widening as he stepped back quickly and out of range. What was he doing? "I'm sorry, I just..I can't." He drew in a shaky breath, feeling starved for air. "I can't."
"YoungSaeng... you know this is right," KyuJong said, following after him, his eyes wide and helpless. "As much as you love him, it can't feel like this, it just can't."
YoungSaeng took another step back for every one KyuJong took forward. "KyuJong, please," he shook his head, hands shaking. "You just finished saying you won't get in the way of my relationship."
"I don't... I don't want to, but I can't deny this YoungSaeng," KyuJong said, though he did stop advancing. Closing his eyes, he took a slow shuddering breath. It was becoming a full on struggle to keep from reaching out and pulling YoungSaeng into his arms. "I'm sorry, this is just so hard for me... I know it's hard for you too... I want to see you again, like this... without anyone else around."
"I don't think that's a good idea," YoungSaeng whispered. Seeing what had nearly happened, how close he'd been to just giving in, he was sure that wasn't a good idea. "I'm sorry KyuJong, but if this is going to happen, it's not a good idea. Maybe I should go..." He took a few steps back.
"No, please, I'm sorry," KyuJong held up his hands in a sign of defeat. "I'm sorry, my head is just... gone right now. I can't seem to think clearly with you right in front of me... Please don't go. We can just talk, talking's fine, right?"
"Talking doesn't seem to be working so well right now," YoungSaeng exhaled shakily, watching him. It was better not to get so close again.
"I'm afraid if you walk away I won't ever see you again," KyuJong said, taking a step back and leaning up against the wall. "You love him enough to fight this?" he asked, glancing towards YoungSaeng again. "You love him enough to ignore how right we feel for each other?"
"I love him enough to try," YoungSaeng replied quietly, eyes dimmed. He at least stopped trying to leave, swallowing thickly. "I have to at least try to be good enough for him."
"Good enough for him?" KyuJong blinked at that, shaking his head. "You're more than good enough, you're perfect. He's not good enough for you."
"That's what he would say too, but it's always been the other way around." YoungSaeng leaned back on the wall. "There will always be people better than me, even if I try my hardest."
"That's not true," KyuJong said, pushing away from the wall. "Why do you think that?"
"Because it is true," YoungSaeng closed his eyes. "Whether it's in school, looks, sports, being a good boyfriend, I just can't win."
"Well I don't know about school, and I'm awful at sports as well, but I can tell you right now you are by far the most handsome man I have ever met," KyuJong said, taking a hesitant step forward. "And I can't imagine why you wouldn't be the best boyfriend."
"That's just the attraction speaking for you," YoungSaeng murmured. "Or the fact that you're Kindness maybe."
"Just because I'm attracted to you, doesn't mean I'm not right," KyuJong said. "And I may be Kindness, but I don't lie. To me, you are everything someone could want in a boyfriend."
YoungSaeng knew that wasn't true; if it had been, HyunJoong wouldn't have cheated on him. "Enough about that," he sighed softly, opening his eyes. "Tell me something about yourself." He didn't know anything about KyuJong.
Lips curling upwards, KyuJong shrugged a little. "Not much to tell, I grew up in the country, moved here and took odd jobs for a bit. Now I volunteer at the children's center in my free time. Oh, and apparently I'm a personification of the virtue of Kindness."
The older man chuckled softly at that, lips curling a little. "Really. Nice to meet you, I'm Envy." He focused on the rest of KyuJong's words. "So why'd you come here? The city's not always a nice place."
"No, but that's kind of why I came," KyuJong said, looking around. "I wanted to make a difference, and the prospect of working fields until I died just didn't seem enough. It's nice to see you smile, YoungSaeng."
Blinking, YoungSaeng felt his face heat up and looked away. "Well you're definitely making a difference here, not many people are content to volunteer in anything anymore."
"Yeah, it's too bad really," KyuJong said, looking down at the sidewalk. "What about you? Tell me about you."
"Me? I'm not that interesting," YoungSaeng shrugged. "I'm studying for a master in business, and living with HyunJoong. Maybe I'll go into an entertainment company or something later, but I've got another year or so of studying left to do."
"Really? That's kind of cool," KyuJong said, looking up at him. "I could never afford to go to school, that's awesome you're working so hard. Why an entertainment company?"
"I like singing, but it's such an uncertain business, I think I'd be happy just working in the general field," YoungSaeng smiled a little, looking down at the ground. "It's as good a job as any."
"You sing? I bet you've got an amazing singing voice," KyuJong said, leaning his shoulder against the wall. "Does your boyfriend know you sing?"
"I've sang for him once or twice, but more when he decided we were going to go to a karaoke night than to prove I can sing," YoungSaeng shrugged. "Why?"
"Just wondering, I'd love to hear you sing sometime," KyuJong said, looking over YoungSaeng's features. "You should do what makes you happy."
"That's easy to say, but hard to actually do," YoungSaeng chuckled quietly, pushing away from the wall. "I'm sorry, but I'm going to go...I need to lie down." Past the dizzying and heart-racing sensation that came from being near KyuJong, he was just so tired. "It's been a rough week."
"Okay..." KyuJong said, his heart sinking a little. "I'm sorry for the way I acted... I just wanted to be able to see you again. Being near you is... the best feeling I've ever had."
"I understand," YoungSaeng gave KyuJong a small smile. And he did understand exactly how KyuJong felt. "Talking like this...isn't that bad." As long as they kept their distance from each other.
"No, it's... not bad at all," KyuJong nodded. "If you want to again, I'm usually here in the mornings, so if you don't have class, you can drop by. We can talk some more."
"We'll see," YoungSaeng nodded, knowing he shouldn't. But he didn't know if he could stay away completely. "Have a good evening, KyuJong," he stepped back towards the street, not wanting to leave but knowing he'd have to.
"You too YoungSaeng," KyuJong said, watching him walk away. It still hurt, feeling his presence lessen, but it didn't hurt as much as it had before. He had a smile on his face, happy that he got to spend a little time getting to know YoungSaeng, and even if YoungSaeng hadn't been sure, he knew the man would be back. Hands in his pockets, he went back inside, feeling much better now.
Walking down the street, YoungSaeng exhaled slowly, shoulders stiff. That had been close, so very close. Just an inch more, and he would have kissed KyuJong, and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to restrain himself after that.
He couldn't do that to HyunJoong. If the older man was willing to try for their relationship, then he was too, because he did love HyunJoong.
But how much longer would they be able to last?
Chapter: 13/?
Rating: R
Crossover: Super Junior, DBSK
Genre: Angst, AU,
Summary: Society is crumbling; salvation walks the earth once more.
"This the place?" YoungSaeng looked up at the nightclub in front of them, hearing the loud music even outside. He was shivering a little from the cold, but looking forward to getting out and about. Staying inside was not helping the situation, as much as he enjoyed spending the entire day in bed.
"Looks like it, I've never actually been here before," HyunJoong said, his arm around YoungSaeng's waist as they started for the door. There were a few people standing outside, but no one bothered them as they went in, HyunJoong keeping YoungSaeng's hand in his own as he tried to clear a path through the people. The music was loud, but it felt good, it would be a nice distraction. He led them through to an empty booth at the side of the room, letting YoungSaeng sit down first. "Interesting place," he said into YoungSaeng's ear.
"Interesting and loud," YoungSaeng chuckled as he turned his head to brush his lips against HyunJoong's ear, the only way he could make himself heard. The bass was shaking the seat. The good side of it was that it was far too loud for his thoughts to wander. Pulling HyunJoong down into the booth beside him, he looking around at those on the dance floor. "Should we get drinks, or wait?"
"I'll get us some drinks if you want," HyunJoong said, kissing YoungSaeng's ear lightly. "I'll be right back, promise," he said starting to slide out again.
"You better be," YoungSaeng squeezed HyunJoong's hand before letting go. He watched the crowd of dancers, entranced by the music.
After HyunJoong disappeared into the crowd, a figure sat down in the booth, smiling a wide smile at YoungSaeng. "Hi, you look familiar, have we met?" the man said, tilting his head suggestively to the side. "If not, I'd like to get to know you better."
Feeling a weird buzzing in the back of his head, YoungSaeng turned his head to look at the person beside him - and stiffened, jaw clenching. "Yes we have met, and you can leave," he said darkly, eyes narrowed.
"Aw, don't be like that," the man scooted closer, leaning towards YoungSaeng. "I'm a nice guy, and you are... quite good looking. What's your name? Where have we met?"
YoungSaeng pushed himself back in the booth, scowling. "I'm not interested, and you can stay away from me," he hissed.
The man's head tilted to the side at the reaction, his eyes narrowing slightly. "We have met before.... where...?" Before he could finish his thought, a hand grabbed at the back of his collar and dragged him out of the collar. "Yah! Let go!"
"Get away from my boyfriend," HyunJoong seethed, pushing the man away. When he got a good look at who it was, he paled and took a step back. "HeeChul."
"What's the big idea I was just..." HeeChul dusted himself off and looked up, stopping in mid sentence. "Yeah? Wait... I know you too... The guy with the boyfriend! Oh right, right, and you're the boyfriend," he pointed at YoungSaeng.
"Yes I am, and if you don't leave right now I'll make sure you never get into anyone's pants ever again!" YoungSaeng was pissed, standing up from the booth and looking like he was ready to follow up on his threat.
"Woah, okay there, no need for violence," HeeChul's hands were up and he backed up a step. "I wasn't the one who had a boyfriend, why are you trying to hurt me?"
"Just go away, I don't want to talk to you, or look at you, and stay the fuck away from my boyfriend," HyunJoong said, pushing HeeChul away further.
"Hey, I didn't know he was your boyfriend, but it's too bad he's not as liberal as you were when it came to when you cared about having a boyfriend or not," HeeChul said, stepping away again. "Catch you later," he waved, disappearing into the crowd.
Hands clenched into shaking fists, YoungSaeng stood there trembling in anger. "I should have castrated him when I had the chance." He refused to think about what HeeChul had said.
HyunJoong slowly sat down at the table, head in his hands. Was it impossible to go one day without being reminded that he'd cheated? "I'm sorry, he's an ass, if I had known he would be here... I'm sorry Saeng."
Closing his eyes for a moment, YoungSaeng tried to calm down, breathing slowly through his nose. "It's not your fault, you didn't know he'd be here, or that he'd be stupid enough to try flirting with me." He sat down next to HyunJoong.
"We can go if you want, there's other clubs," HyunJoong said, looking up at YoungSaeng tiredly. "You know, it's weird... I didn't even make it to the bar, I felt like a weird... noise in my head and turned and there he was."
"Maybe we should just avoid clubs and go watch a movie or something," YoungSaeng sighed, before blinking. "I heard a weird sound just before he sat down and started talking to me."
"You don't think... no..." HyunJoong shook his head slowly as realization kicked in. "Oh shit, he's one of us isn't he?"
"..." YoungSaeng scowled. Of all people... "Well I'm not running after him," he crossed his arms in front of his chest. Why the hell did it have to be HeeChul, he'd kill him as soon as get along with him.
"And you'd kill me if I tried," HyunJoong said, shaking his head. "I know this is a bad, very bad subject, but I guess it makes sense why it was him," he said, risking a glance at YoungSaeng. "It felt the same like when I first met you."
YoungSaeng stiffened at that, hands clenching into fists in his lap. "So you're saying that what we felt when we first met wasn't love at all, but this stupid 'recognizing another one of us' feeling?"
"What?" HyunJoong's head snapped to the side. "No, no not at all, I'm just saying it felt similar," he said, knowing he was sinking fast. "Saeng, I love you, I knew from the moment I met you I wanted to be with you. It's not the same."
"But you just finished saying it was the same. If we didn't know what that feeling meant at the beginning..." YoungSaeng looked up at HyunJoong, pain in his eyes. "Hyun, if you don't want to be with me, I need to know now. What is your heart telling you?"
HyunJoong swallowed thickly, wanting more than anything to tell YoungSaeng that he loved him no matter what, that his heart was only for him. Pushing it all down, he took YoungSaeng's hand, holding it tightly. "My heart is telling me, that I love you. I made a promise to you that I wasn't going to hurt you again, and I'm going to keep that promise."
Tears filled YoungSaeng's eyes before he shut them tightly. "I'm holding you to that Kim HyunJoong," he whispered. If HyunJoong hadn't made that promise to him, would they still have any chance at being together? "No...I'm holding you to a different promise. That if your heart were to ever change, I'd be the first person to know." He held onto HyunJoong's hand tightly in both of his own.
Biting down on his lip, HyunJoong took a deep breath, having to look away from YoungSaeng's eyes. He didn't want to have to make that promise, but as far as he was concerned, no one could take YoungSaeng's place in his heart... but he already knew the truth. "I promise Saeng," he said, pulling his boyfriend closer to rest their foreheads together. "I promise."
Lower lip trembling slightly, YoungSaeng wrapped his arms around HyunJoong's neck and kissed him softly, not wanting to let go. But he knew the truth as well. "I love you," he whispered, voice cracking slightly.
"I love you too," HyunJoong replied, closing his eyes tightly, clinging to YoungSaeng like a lifeline. How did it get like this? Why couldn't he just be with YoungSaeng, like he had thought he would be for the rest of his life. Those kind of thoughts killed him inside. He had to make it with YoungSaeng, there was no other option. He had to be a good boyfriend.
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The next few days took their toll on YoungSaeng. Besides stressing out about the situation with HyunJoong, and trying not to think about KyuJong, the nightmares had started up again. Every few nights he'd wake up in a panic, searching for something he didn't know in the darkness at the corners of the room. Each time, he could only remember he had been chased, and the feeling of a hand pulling him on, urging him to go faster.
He'd avoided HyungJoon and Zhou Mi while in school, not wanting them to keep repeating what they'd been saying all along. Most of the time he'd stay in the library, looking up religious texts to try and find reference to the 'four pillars of destruction', without luck.
At this rate, he was going to pull a HyungJoon and fall asleep in the middle of class, he sighed to himself as he left the school early. HyunJoong wouldn't be home for several hours, maybe he'd just go back to the apartment early and try to get some sleep. Except he'd missed the bus, so he'd have to walk back. Shivering in the cold, he walked down the street, hands jammed in his pockets.
Looking up, he blinked at a sign for a donation stand at a local daycare. Something about it tugged at him, shrugging slightly before going to the entrance. It wasn't as if he had to be anywhere.
Someone inside looked up when YoungSaeng approached, eyes widening and breath catching in his throat. KyuJong hadn't expected to see YoungSaeng, not for a while, and definitely not on his own. Setting down the couple of toys he'd been putting away, he slowly stood up. One of the other volunteers tried to get his attention but he was purely focused on YoungSaeng at that moment, walking towards him slowly, fearing he'd bolt. "YoungSaeng?" he said quietly.
This was a bad idea, YoungSaeng thought as he suddenly felt that strong pull again, so powerful he was nearly knocked off his feet. Breath hitching, he turned until he saw KyuJong, wide eyes meeting the younger man's. A very, very bad idea. He'd felt drawn to come in, why hadn't he realized why and just kept walking?
"K...KyuJong," he whispered, trying to tear his gaze away from the younger man's. Without HyunJoong there to ground him he felt dizzy, overwhelmed. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't realize...I should go..."
"Wait!" KyuJong took a step forward, his hand outstretched. "Please...just... wait," he said. "I just want to talk," he stuttered a little, coming closer.
YoungSaeng's eyes widened further, heart racing in his chest with every step closer KyuJong took. "Don't...don't come any closer," he forced himself to take a step back, shaking. "Please."
If KyuJong got much closer, he didn't know how well his self-control would last.
"Let's.. let's go outside, okay?" KyuJong said, glancing back at the other volunteers who were giving YoungSaeng a strange look. "I just want to talk, we haven't even got to say anything to each other yet. Please?"
YoungSaeng knew he should refuse, and walk out right now, but his head was spinning and he couldn't get his mind to focus on anything that wasn't the younger man right in front of him. Just a few steps...
Swallowing and forcing himself to look away, he clenched his hands in his pockets. "Y-yeah...sure. Just for a minute." Just a minute, then he'd leave. For sure. YoungSaeng straightened and stepped back towards the door, avoiding looking at the younger man as he stepped outside, shivering at the cold air.
Grabbing his coat, KyuJong followed YoungSaeng outside, away from the windows and out of the chill of the wind. "I would ask why you're here but... I think we both know why you came in," he said, looking down at his shoes, glancing up at YoungSaeng briefly.
Heart hammering audibly, YoungSaeng didn't dare look at KyuJong again, for fear he'd do something stupid. "Maybe I just came in to see what was going on," he said, looking to the side and refusing to admit it had been because he'd sensed KyuJong was just inside the door.
"You and I both know that isn't the case," KyuJong said, hugging his arms tightly. "I don't... I don't want to get in the way of your relationship," he said, and he meant it. Breaking people up was not on his to do list. "So, I think we need to work together to make sure that we... control this. Right?"
"I don't think it's something that we can control," YoungSaeng shook his head. He'd realized that the last time he'd seen KyuJong in Zhou Mi's office; if anything, the pull had gotten worse. "I think the best we can do is just...not be around each other." Before he could jump KyuJong right here.
"But Zhou Mi said that we're going to have to be around each other," KyuJong said, looking up again. "I... don't... want to stay away from you," he said quietly.
YoungSaeng swallowed thickly. He didn't want to stay away from KyuJong either, and that was what he was afraid of. "I know, and I'm sorry," he whispered, shivering more. "I really am...but...I have a boyfriend, I love him dearly, and the longer I stay around you the more scared I am I won't be faithful to him. Please understand."
"Doesn't that say something though?" KyuJong whispered, stepping closer. He could hear YoungSaeng's shaky breath the closer he got, his eyes fixed on YoungSaeng's lips. "You love him, but you want me, don't you? I want you... I have never... never wanted to touch someone as much as I want to touch you... just to hold your hand."
Seeing KyuJong stepping closer out of the corner of his eyes, YoungSaeng forced himself to keep looking away, not willing to be caught. "It doesn't...it doesn't matter..." He couldn't make himself take another step back. "KyuJong, please don't come any closer."
"But I want to," KyuJong replied, taking another step. If he lifted up his hand, he could take YoungSaeng's hand, pull him close and kiss him like he wanted to. "And it does matter, it matters because seeing you with him, it hurt so much, and I don't know why. I don't even know you, but I know that you and I are perfect for each other. I knew that the second we met eyes at the restaurant."
Startled by the sudden proximity, YoungSaeng looked up instinctively, meeting KyuJong's eyes. They were a soft chocolate color, so warm and inviting. For once he didn't feel like he wasn't good enough for someone, that he had to be better. This was just perfect...and without realizing it he was leaning in a little...
- Only to snap out of it, eyes widening as he stepped back quickly and out of range. What was he doing? "I'm sorry, I just..I can't." He drew in a shaky breath, feeling starved for air. "I can't."
"YoungSaeng... you know this is right," KyuJong said, following after him, his eyes wide and helpless. "As much as you love him, it can't feel like this, it just can't."
YoungSaeng took another step back for every one KyuJong took forward. "KyuJong, please," he shook his head, hands shaking. "You just finished saying you won't get in the way of my relationship."
"I don't... I don't want to, but I can't deny this YoungSaeng," KyuJong said, though he did stop advancing. Closing his eyes, he took a slow shuddering breath. It was becoming a full on struggle to keep from reaching out and pulling YoungSaeng into his arms. "I'm sorry, this is just so hard for me... I know it's hard for you too... I want to see you again, like this... without anyone else around."
"I don't think that's a good idea," YoungSaeng whispered. Seeing what had nearly happened, how close he'd been to just giving in, he was sure that wasn't a good idea. "I'm sorry KyuJong, but if this is going to happen, it's not a good idea. Maybe I should go..." He took a few steps back.
"No, please, I'm sorry," KyuJong held up his hands in a sign of defeat. "I'm sorry, my head is just... gone right now. I can't seem to think clearly with you right in front of me... Please don't go. We can just talk, talking's fine, right?"
"Talking doesn't seem to be working so well right now," YoungSaeng exhaled shakily, watching him. It was better not to get so close again.
"I'm afraid if you walk away I won't ever see you again," KyuJong said, taking a step back and leaning up against the wall. "You love him enough to fight this?" he asked, glancing towards YoungSaeng again. "You love him enough to ignore how right we feel for each other?"
"I love him enough to try," YoungSaeng replied quietly, eyes dimmed. He at least stopped trying to leave, swallowing thickly. "I have to at least try to be good enough for him."
"Good enough for him?" KyuJong blinked at that, shaking his head. "You're more than good enough, you're perfect. He's not good enough for you."
"That's what he would say too, but it's always been the other way around." YoungSaeng leaned back on the wall. "There will always be people better than me, even if I try my hardest."
"That's not true," KyuJong said, pushing away from the wall. "Why do you think that?"
"Because it is true," YoungSaeng closed his eyes. "Whether it's in school, looks, sports, being a good boyfriend, I just can't win."
"Well I don't know about school, and I'm awful at sports as well, but I can tell you right now you are by far the most handsome man I have ever met," KyuJong said, taking a hesitant step forward. "And I can't imagine why you wouldn't be the best boyfriend."
"That's just the attraction speaking for you," YoungSaeng murmured. "Or the fact that you're Kindness maybe."
"Just because I'm attracted to you, doesn't mean I'm not right," KyuJong said. "And I may be Kindness, but I don't lie. To me, you are everything someone could want in a boyfriend."
YoungSaeng knew that wasn't true; if it had been, HyunJoong wouldn't have cheated on him. "Enough about that," he sighed softly, opening his eyes. "Tell me something about yourself." He didn't know anything about KyuJong.
Lips curling upwards, KyuJong shrugged a little. "Not much to tell, I grew up in the country, moved here and took odd jobs for a bit. Now I volunteer at the children's center in my free time. Oh, and apparently I'm a personification of the virtue of Kindness."
The older man chuckled softly at that, lips curling a little. "Really. Nice to meet you, I'm Envy." He focused on the rest of KyuJong's words. "So why'd you come here? The city's not always a nice place."
"No, but that's kind of why I came," KyuJong said, looking around. "I wanted to make a difference, and the prospect of working fields until I died just didn't seem enough. It's nice to see you smile, YoungSaeng."
Blinking, YoungSaeng felt his face heat up and looked away. "Well you're definitely making a difference here, not many people are content to volunteer in anything anymore."
"Yeah, it's too bad really," KyuJong said, looking down at the sidewalk. "What about you? Tell me about you."
"Me? I'm not that interesting," YoungSaeng shrugged. "I'm studying for a master in business, and living with HyunJoong. Maybe I'll go into an entertainment company or something later, but I've got another year or so of studying left to do."
"Really? That's kind of cool," KyuJong said, looking up at him. "I could never afford to go to school, that's awesome you're working so hard. Why an entertainment company?"
"I like singing, but it's such an uncertain business, I think I'd be happy just working in the general field," YoungSaeng smiled a little, looking down at the ground. "It's as good a job as any."
"You sing? I bet you've got an amazing singing voice," KyuJong said, leaning his shoulder against the wall. "Does your boyfriend know you sing?"
"I've sang for him once or twice, but more when he decided we were going to go to a karaoke night than to prove I can sing," YoungSaeng shrugged. "Why?"
"Just wondering, I'd love to hear you sing sometime," KyuJong said, looking over YoungSaeng's features. "You should do what makes you happy."
"That's easy to say, but hard to actually do," YoungSaeng chuckled quietly, pushing away from the wall. "I'm sorry, but I'm going to go...I need to lie down." Past the dizzying and heart-racing sensation that came from being near KyuJong, he was just so tired. "It's been a rough week."
"Okay..." KyuJong said, his heart sinking a little. "I'm sorry for the way I acted... I just wanted to be able to see you again. Being near you is... the best feeling I've ever had."
"I understand," YoungSaeng gave KyuJong a small smile. And he did understand exactly how KyuJong felt. "Talking like this...isn't that bad." As long as they kept their distance from each other.
"No, it's... not bad at all," KyuJong nodded. "If you want to again, I'm usually here in the mornings, so if you don't have class, you can drop by. We can talk some more."
"We'll see," YoungSaeng nodded, knowing he shouldn't. But he didn't know if he could stay away completely. "Have a good evening, KyuJong," he stepped back towards the street, not wanting to leave but knowing he'd have to.
"You too YoungSaeng," KyuJong said, watching him walk away. It still hurt, feeling his presence lessen, but it didn't hurt as much as it had before. He had a smile on his face, happy that he got to spend a little time getting to know YoungSaeng, and even if YoungSaeng hadn't been sure, he knew the man would be back. Hands in his pockets, he went back inside, feeling much better now.
Walking down the street, YoungSaeng exhaled slowly, shoulders stiff. That had been close, so very close. Just an inch more, and he would have kissed KyuJong, and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to restrain himself after that.
He couldn't do that to HyunJoong. If the older man was willing to try for their relationship, then he was too, because he did love HyunJoong.
But how much longer would they be able to last?