Bent, not Broken: ch 21
Title: Bent, Not Broken
Chapters: 21/25 + epilogue
Fandoms: SS501, Super Junior, TVXQ, FT Island (cameo only)
Pairings: KyuJong/JungMin, YeSung/RyeoWook, HyunJoong/YoungSaeng, onesided!YunHo/YoungSaeng, past!YunHo/HeeBon
Rating: R overall
Warnings: Substance abuse, homophobia, character death, harsh subject matter
Summary: Happiness isn't easy to find when the world tells you that you don't deserve it. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to realize happiness was in front of you the whole time.
TAG LIST
JungMin's lips thinned at that. "Fine. You don't want me here, I'll go. Let's go Wook."
"No, he can stay, you have to leave," YoungSaeng said.
RyeoWook looked between the two with nervous eyes; he wasn't entirely fond of being left alone with someone he barely knew. After a moment he nodded. "…I'll stay. Hyung, maybe you should call KyuJong sshi and let him know his friend's alive before he phones 119 himself," he gave JungMin a small smile.
"... Alright," JungMin sighed, shaking his head a little. "I'm gonna go get a cup of coffee or something. If you need me Wook, just call."
YoungSaeng let out a sigh when JungMin left the apartment, laying his head down on the table. "I'm sorry... you must think I'm an asshole. I just... seeing him just really pisses me off."
"JungMin hyung's a good guy…he's just a little rough around the edges," RyeoWook smiled sadly at him before turning back to what he was doing. He had the rice cooking soon after, and started gathering together the spices and toppings. "Everyone's just worried about you."
"Not everyone," YoungSaeng said, closing his eyes. "Have you ever had a moment in your life where you thought you were doing the right thing, but it turns out you weren't?"
"…Yeah. I have." RyeoWook looked back at YoungSaeng. "You too?"
"The problem is, I don't know which way to go from here," YoungSaeng said, sitting back up. "I don't know which way is the wrong way or which is the right way. I thought I knew, but then I was wrong, but now I'm wrong again and I don't know what to do."
RyeoWook's eyes saddened. "If you're not sure which way to go…look at what feels right for you. People will always try to tell you which way is right or wrong, but you're the one who has to live with that decision in the end, not them."
"but neither choice feels right," YoungSaeng said softly. "that's the part I don't understand. If I do what I feel in my heart is right for me, I'll disappoint my family. If I do what my family wants and expects of me... I'll never have what I have wanted so badly for so long."
Placing down the knife he was holding, RyeoWook padded over to the table and slid down into the seat beside YoungSaeng. "It's not always easy, doing what makes you happy," he said quietly. "Especially when family's involved…cause it's hard when the people who raised you are disappointed in you."
"My father had a very specific plan for me growing up," YoungSaeng said, tracing his finger over the wood grain pattern in the table. "I was supposed to do well in school, go on to a good university and work in business like him. I was supposed to get married and start having children right after I got out of the military. I guess it's what all fathers want for their sons. I'm just not a good son... I couldn't do that for him, or provide a comfortable life for him."
RyeoWook shook his head slowly. "Living your own life isn't not being a good son," he said. "Is that…why you feel like you've failed him? You feel like what he wanted isn't what you want?"
YoungSaeng chewed at his bottom lip, scowling down at the table top. "Can you keep a secret?" he asked quietly.
Nodding slowly, RyeoWook watched the older man. "Yes, I can."
"There's only two other people who know this... one is KyuJong, the other I slept with and then told him I could never see him again," YoungSaeng said. "Because my father could never have a gay son."
RyeoWook's eyes slowly widened, flooding with sadness as he realized just what YoungSaeng meant. "Oh…"
He bit his lower lip and reached out, lightly resting his hand against YoungSaeng's arm. "I…I'm sorry. I think I understand what you're going through…my parents feel the same way."
"Do they know?" YoungSaeng asked, looking up at him. "Have you told them? I never found the courage to admit it to myself, let alone them."
"I told them," RyeoWook nodded. "And introduced them to my fiancé. They disowned me."
"I was sure that would happen if I told my parents," YoungSaeng said. "I denied who I was for so long and then I met someone... he made me feel like myself for the first time in so long but I kept holding back. I was so worried about what my father would think and how I couldn't disappoint him. I don't want to disappoint him even now."
RyeoWook nodded slowly, looking down. "I understand that…I didn't want to disappoint my parents either. But it was killing me to keep hiding it from them. At some point…I had to decide what was more important. Their dreams for me, or my own happiness and the love of my life." He looked up at YoungSaeng. "It's not an easy decision to make."
"I wish it was a decision I didn't have to make at all," YoungSaeng said. "I just want to be a normal person."
Heart hurting as he listened to the same words he used to say, and sometimes still did, RyeoWook sighed softly. "There's nothing wrong, being what we are," he said softly. "It…took me a long time to see it, but there really isn't. If people can't accept that…if parents can't accept that, it hurts a lot, but one day you'll find someone who makes all the pain worth it."
"What if I don't? What if I'm not meant to find that one person...I don't want to live like this waiting for that one day where someone puts me back together," YoungSaeng said. "I don't want to have to rely on someone else to make me feel normal, I want to feel normal by myself."
"Then you'll have to learn to accept yourself," RyeoWook replied. "Going with what your parents want, if it isn't what will make you happy, won't help you feel normal."
YoungSaeng's brow furrowed at that, chewing on one of his knuckles. "How long did it take you to come to terms with who you were?"
"…A long time," RyeoWook sighed. "On bad days, I still doubt myself even now. But it took me years to admit to myself that I like men, and just as long to stop seeing it as…something bad. I know it's not an easy thing to go through."
"Does it really get any better? Because I don't know how long I can live with this... feeling that I'm... wrong."
"Hyung…" RyeoWook turned towards YoungSaeng, reaching out to hold both the older man's hands. "You're not wrong. There's nothing wrong with you…what's wrong is that people can't see that themselves. It will get better. It got better for me…it'll get better for you too."
YoungSaeng slowly looked up into RyeoWook's eyes, his expression pensive. "I really hope it does."
"It will," RyeoWook smiled at him. "And…I'll give you my number, and my address, okay? If you ever feel like this…I'll be right over. No one should have to go through this on their own."
"You don't have to do that, I don't want to burden you more with my problems," YoungSaeng said, shaking his head. "I'm sure you've got enough to deal with. Kyu told me you were getting married?"
"I am," RyeoWook chuckled, and squeezed YoungSaeng's hands before letting go. "The date hasn't been decided yet. Let me decide what I find a burden. You're no burden to me." He stood up when the timer on the rice cooker beeped, going to finish up the meal. "After this, you should get some sleep."
"Probably," YoungSaeng nodded, resting his chin in his hand and closing his eyes. "How did you know your fiance.. what was his name? How did you know he was the one for you?"
"JongWoon. His name's JongWoon." RyeoWook finished chopping up the green onions, heating up a pan at the same time. "I just…knew. He's a bit of a spoiled rich kid, but whenever I wanted to do something his parents would consider beneath their status…he'd try. Even if he was no good at it, he'd try anyways, for me. He went to church with me every week, even if he's not that religious, and he's always so sweet and thoughtful. I don't know when I realized he was the one, but I know at some point I couldn't imagine life without him anymore."
"It's good that you've found someone like that," YoungSaeng said, lips quirking. "guess there's hope for everyone if even JungMin can find someone as great as KyuJong."
"JungMin just went through a different set of problems from ours, that's all. But…it's thanks to him I was able to accept myself finally. He was there when I had no one and desperately needed a friend." RyeoWook smiled softly as he put everything into the pan, cooking. "There is hope for everyone."
"Thank you... for helping me," YoungSaeng said, opening his eyes and looking over to him. "Not many people would stick around like that."
"I know what you're going through…there was no way I was going to just leave you," RyeoWook looked back at him. "Though I wasn't expecting this when JungMin called me up asking me to help him."
"What were you expecting? I'm sure he thought, and KyuJong thought, I was dead on the floor or something," YoungSaeng said, laughing dryly. "Thought about it... more than I should admit."
RyeoWook turned back to the stove, shutting his eyes and exhaling slowly. "…I'm glad you didn't," he said after a pause, looking back at YoungSaeng. "No one should ever feel like that's the only option. There are people here who care about you…you don't have to travel that road."
"Every time I thought about it... I thought about how Kyu would have to come back to that and he didn't deserve to find me like that," YoungSaeng said. "Probably would have been easier if I hadn't left my phone somewhere."
"Where did you leave it?" RyeoWook asked. "I can go find it, when I leave." Soon the kimchi fried rice was done, and he turned off the stove before serving a plate of it. He brought the plate to the table and placed it down with chopsticks, before turning to get a glass of water.
"No... I'll have to go get it myself," YoungSaeng said, looking down at the food. "Thank you for making this... I haven't eaten more than crackers in a couple days."
"It's nothing," RyeoWook smiled. "And if you're sure." He placed the filled glass down on the table. "Is there anything I can get for you?"
"No, you've done more than enough," YoungSaeng said, slowly picking at the food. "It... tastes really good."
"Well I'm graduating from culinary school in a couple weeks, so I'd hope it tastes okay," RyeoWook smiled, gaze softening before he reached out for a pad of paper he'd seen in the corner of the kitchen. Locating a pen, he jotted down his phone number, his address, and his work phone number and address before placing the paper on the table. "I mean it. I'll always answer the door, or the phone."
"... Maybe I'll take you up on that," YoungSaeng said. "You're the first person I've met who really understands what I'm going through. I keep being told by people who know that my father would just want what's best for me... and KyuJong's family accepts him for who he is and are so supportive."
"At least they support you," RyeoWook smiled at YoungSaeng sadly. "They might not understand, but you have people who care about you and want to help. Before JungMin…I didn't have that."
YoungSaeng frowned at that, shaking his head. "It's not the same and you know it. If it was, you wouldn't have struggled with it for so long either."
"It might not be the same, but you're not alone. It counts for a lot." RyeoWook wandered back into the kitchen to clean up.
"Not enough," YoungSaeng said, pushing his plate away and getting to his feet. "Just leave the dishes, I'll clean up later. I have to go out."
"Where are you going?" RyeoWook frowned, looking back at him. "You should really sleep." YoungSaeng still looked horrible.
"I need to get my phone," YoungSaeng said. "I'll sleep later."
"…You could barely stand before," RyeoWook sighed, walking back to him. "Get some sleep first, then your phone. You'll feel better after some proper rest." He touched YoungSaeng's arm lightly. "I'll stay with you until you fall asleep, okay?"
"No, I'm going to get my phone," YoungSaeng said, brushing RyeoWook off. "Just... go RyeoWook. Thank you for everything but I don't think you really understand either."
"How don't I understand?" RyeoWook frowned at that.
"Everyone has told me that I just need to do what makes me happy and to forget about the fact that my father would hate me for who I am," YoungSaeng said. "How is that a solution? How is that supposed to make me feel better?"
"What is the alternative?" the younger man asked. "Living a lie? Going through life hating yourself, afraid of anyone ever finding out?" His eyes were wide and sad before he looked away. "Despite what you think, I do understand. I've stood there and listened to my father tell me I'm a sinner, and my mother scream horrible words at my fiancé. I can't forget what they said or how much it hurt, but what I can do is move on as best as I can. Any other option…leads down a path you don't want to follow."
YoungSaeng took a deep breath, leaning against a wall for support. "I haven't accepted this is who I am yet. I'm not ready. I tried, I really did... I thought I could do it when I was with him but any time I had doubts about myself, he shut me out. He didn't want to help me through it."
"Are you sure he didn't want to help? Do you feel the same way about the others, like KyuJong sshi?" RyeoWook asked. "Do they not want to help, or do they just not know how?"
"KyuJong tries, but the thing with JungMin preoccupies most of his time and I get that," YoungSaeng said, shaking his head. "I don't think anyone knows how to really help. I don't even know how to help myself, I don't expect anyone else could do much better."
RyeoWook's shoulders slumped slightly. YoungSaeng had given up on himself, clearly. "They won't if you don't let them," he said quietly.
"... So what you're saying is it's all my fault," YoungSaeng said, eyes narrowing. "I didn't ask for this to happen to me. I was perfectly fine by myself before all this shit started. I don't need him, I don't need KyuJong, and I don't need you."
"I never said it was your fault." RyeoWook shook his head. "This is why you should sleep…I never said that, and I never meant it was your fault. None of this is your fault, no one asks for something like this to happen to them. I just mean that there are people trying to help you…they might not understand, but they're trying. But they won't be able to help unless you let them in. You want people to understand…but you're keeping them all at arm's length."
YoungSaeng sighed, his eyes closing. "...Maybe you're right, maybe I do just need some sleep," he said quietly. "Thank you for making me food RyeoWook."
"I'll make you food anytime." RyeoWook rested his hand lightly on YoungSaeng's shoulder. "Go to sleep…I can see myself out once you're comfortable."
"I don't need you to watch over me as I fall asleep, I'm not that much of a child," YoungSaeng said. "I can show you out at least."
"It's more for my piece of mind than anything," the younger man smiled sheepishly. "And it isn't childish. But okay…if you insist."
"Thanks for coming over RyeoWook... it was nice meeting you," YoungSaeng said, going to the door and opening it. "You're invited over more often, but you can tell JungMin he's not welcome here unless Kyu's here."
"Poor hyung," RyeoWook shook his head as he followed YoungSaeng to the front door. He stepped out into the hallway. "It was nice meeting you, too. Sleep well."
"I'll try," YoungSaeng replied with a nod, his lip quirking a little as he closed the door. There was a lot on his mind as he finally collapsed into his bed, but it wasn't enough to keep him conscious as he finally slipped into a deep restful sleep.
It was around noon the following day when the apartment door clicked open again. Unlocking from the outside, it swung open and someone stepped in. After the door had closed again, a suitcase was lugged out of the way and set to one side. Worried eyes surveying the room that was still dark, curtains drawn, with empty alcohol bottles sitting around. Turning away from the mess, he went straight to the second bedroom and leaned in the doorway.
"YoungSaeng?"
Sprawled out on the bed, YoungSaeng was nose first into a pillow, barely aware someone was speaking. His eyes slowly cracked open and he turned his head to get more comfortable. Vision still fuzzy, he blinked a few times at the figure in the doorway. "Hyun?" he murmured, brow furrowing as he tried to roll over onto his side and sit up.
The man standing at the door stepped into the room and approached the bed. He didn't open up the blinds, but he did turn on the bedside lamp. "Not even close."
KyuJong sat down on the edge of the bed, taking one of YoungSaeng's hands and brushing his best friend's hair out of his eyes. "I heard you've had a busy week…"
"...Kyu," YoungSaeng's eyes widened and he nearly tackled the younger man in a hug. "This week was awful, you're not allowed to leave me alone like that ever again," he said, hugging KyuJong tightly.
"I'm sorry, Saeng…" KyuJong wrapped his arms tightly around YoungSaeng in return, resting his cheek against the older man's hair. "I'm so sorry, you're not alone anymore, I promise," he whispered, closing his eyes.
YoungSaeng didn't reply, just holding onto KyuJong for a long while. He was past the point of tears, but having KyuJong home again made him feel a hundred times better already. "I thought you weren't coming back till next week?" he said finally when he puled back, finding one of KyuJong's hands and holding onto it tightly.
"That was the plan when I left," KyuJong replied, smiling sadly as he covered YoungSaeng's hand with his own. "But how can I stay away when my best friend needs me? I'm sorry I took so long getting back."
"You're going through stuff too, I understand," YoungSaeng said. "I'm sorry if I made things difficult on you... but I'm really glad you're home."
"I'm glad I am too." KyuJong shifted so he could sit properly on the bed with YoungSaeng, arm wrapped around his friend. "How have you been coping?"
"Liquor," YoungSaeng replied with a heavy sigh. "Lots of it. You didn't hide it very well. But I think I'm beyond the drinking stage of grief. I had some... unexpected help."
"Oh?" KyuJong ran his hand comfortingly along YoungSaeng's arm. "Tell me what I missed?"
Making himself comfortable against KyuJong's side, YoungSaeng started from the beginning, when he received the call from his mother. "And after I talked to you, I just... I didn't know what to think or how to feel at that moment. I wanted to feel something other than the pain in my heart," he said, eyes closing. "I made a mistake and went to HyunJoong's. All I could think about was being distracted from the pain for just a little while if I could."
KyuJong's eyes saddened. He had a feeling he knew where this was going. "What happened then?" he asked softly, letting YoungSaeng lean against him.
"Like I said, I made a mistake," YoungSaeng said. "Not what you're thinking though... my mistake was telling him afterwards that I couldn't be with a man and that what he and I were doing couldn't happen again. He was very angry and I guess he had a right to be, but I was hurting too and I still am. I don't know what I'm doing Kyu."
Exhaling slowly, KyuJong rested his head against YoungSaeng's. "What made you tell him that?" he murmured softly. "What triggered it?"
"It's hard to explain," YoungSaeng said, brow furrowing slightly. "I was getting dressed and thinking about how I had to go home and see my mom and how disappointed she would be if she knew what I had done when I hung up on her. Then it just snowballed from there."
KyuJong chewed on his lower lip, gaze lowered. "Saeng…there's nothing wrong with being how we are. It's hard to see sometimes…especially when parents are involved."
"No offense Kyu, but you really don't know what it feels like to be in my position," YoungSaeng said, looking away. "Your boyfriend brought one of his friends over for me to meet... RyeoWook? He seemed like a normal enough guy.. he's the first person who really understood me."
Shoulders slumping a little at YoungSaeng's comment, KyuJong sighed softly. "Ah…I know RyeoWook. Did meeting him help?"
"A little," YoungSaeng nodded. "There's a lot I'm going to have to get through on my own, but I think I have some things figured out. I need to face some things about myself, things I was trying to avoid for so long. I'm not okay yet Kyu, it's going to be a while before I am."
"I know…as long as you know that whenever you need help, need someone there for you, I'm always going to be here." KyuJong ran his hand along YoungSaeng's arm slowly. "I might not have…gone through the exact situation you are, but that isn't going to stop me from doing whatever I can for you."
"A comforting shoulder to lean on is all I really need," YoungSaeng said. "Just like I'm here for you when you need it."
"I'll always be your shoulder," KyuJong hugged him close. "Is there anything I can do for you now? Maybe clean up a little, make you something to eat?"
"Well... I think I'm fine for food," YoungSaeng said, rubbing at his eyes. "I think I'm actually going to get cleaned up and head out. I left my phone somewhere and I kind of want it back."
"Oh…okay," KyuJong nodded. "Want me to come with you?"
"No... I think I really need to do this on my own," YoungSaeng said. "Besides, I'm sure there's someone else who has missed you just as much. Have you let him know you're back in town yet?"
"Ah…no, not yet," the younger man's lips curled into a soft smile. "I wanted to make sure you're okay, since, well…I'm pretty sure if I were to go over there, I wouldn't be allowed to leave until the next morning."
"Probably not," YoungSaeng snorted, scooting off the bed and getting up to his feet. "I'll be okay eventually, but thanks... I'm really lucky to have you as a friend. Even if I don't like your boyfriend and I don't deserve you... you've been the best friend anyone can ask for."
"Don't say things like that," KyuJong chuckled, shaking his head. "Do you want me here tonight, Saeng? I can go see Min tomorrow, my best friend comes first."
"No, it's okay," YoungSaeng said. "I may have my own thing going on, but I know you're still dealing with stuff with him. You sort that out, don't worry about me."
"I'll always worry about you, you should know that by now," KyuJong rolled his eyes but stood up from the bed. "I'm going to clean up a bit then head out…once you get your phone back, you call me if you need anything, okay? I'll come running back."
"I'm sure I'll be fine," YoungSaeng said, digging in one of his drawers for some clothes. "I don't want to interrupt you and whatever it is JungMin will be doing to you when you get there."
KyuJong pinked. "I told you, best friends come first. Let me know when you get your phone back at least." He headed out into the living room to clean up some of the empty bottles laying around. "I thought I hid these…"
"Not very well," YoungSaeng called out to him. Poking his head out of his room, he smirked a little. "I'm glad you're home Kyu. Odd as it seems, I really missed your mothering over me."
"Who else is going to make sure you stay fed?" KyuJong chuckled, looking up at YoungSaeng as he gathered up bottles.
"Exactly," YoungSaeng agreed, closing the door to his room. After a quick shower and some clean clothes, he got his things together to leave. "So I guess you won't be home tonight then?" he said, finding his wallet and keys.
"Probably not," KyuJong shook his head. "Though then again I think SungMin is still staying with him, so I might be. We'll see."
"I hope for your sake he's not and you and JungMin can get past this," YoungSaeng said. "I may not like the guy that much, but... I can tell you've been good for him. And if a guy like RyeoWook can vouch for him then he can't be that bad."
KyuJong chuckled softly. "JungMin's not bad…I just needed some time to myself to think things over." He straightened. "I hope you'll be okay with him one day."
"Well if you insist on keeping him around then I guess I'll have to," YoungSaeng said. "Have a good night Kyu, I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah, see you tomorrow," KyuJong nodded, smiling at him. "Stay safe, Saeng."
"I will," YoungSaeng said, walking over to give KyuJong a tight hug. "Goes without saying, but you too. Make sure he wears protection," he chuckled, dodging out of the hug before he was hit and skipping towards the door.
KyuJong's face turned bright red as he swung and missed. "Very funny," he huffed, heading into the kitchen. "See if I make your favorite dinner tomorrow!"
"You will cause you love me and don't want me to starve!" YoungSaeng called back, waving as he finally left the apartment, closing the door. After having spent the better part of the week in the dark apartment, he squinted at the harsh sun when he made it out to the street. Pulling the hood up on his jacket, he kept his eyes to the ground as he made his way to the subway. He had no idea how HyunJoong would react to seeing him again and if he'd get to say more than two words to him. There was only so much YoungSaeng could explain away in how he had acted towards HyunJoong, and he wasn't even sure if he deserved the chance to say anything as it was.
Chapters: 21/25 + epilogue
Fandoms: SS501, Super Junior, TVXQ, FT Island (cameo only)
Pairings: KyuJong/JungMin, YeSung/RyeoWook, HyunJoong/YoungSaeng, onesided!YunHo/YoungSaeng, past!YunHo/HeeBon
Rating: R overall
Warnings: Substance abuse, homophobia, character death, harsh subject matter
Summary: Happiness isn't easy to find when the world tells you that you don't deserve it. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to realize happiness was in front of you the whole time.
TAG LIST
JungMin's lips thinned at that. "Fine. You don't want me here, I'll go. Let's go Wook."
"No, he can stay, you have to leave," YoungSaeng said.
RyeoWook looked between the two with nervous eyes; he wasn't entirely fond of being left alone with someone he barely knew. After a moment he nodded. "…I'll stay. Hyung, maybe you should call KyuJong sshi and let him know his friend's alive before he phones 119 himself," he gave JungMin a small smile.
"... Alright," JungMin sighed, shaking his head a little. "I'm gonna go get a cup of coffee or something. If you need me Wook, just call."
YoungSaeng let out a sigh when JungMin left the apartment, laying his head down on the table. "I'm sorry... you must think I'm an asshole. I just... seeing him just really pisses me off."
"JungMin hyung's a good guy…he's just a little rough around the edges," RyeoWook smiled sadly at him before turning back to what he was doing. He had the rice cooking soon after, and started gathering together the spices and toppings. "Everyone's just worried about you."
"Not everyone," YoungSaeng said, closing his eyes. "Have you ever had a moment in your life where you thought you were doing the right thing, but it turns out you weren't?"
"…Yeah. I have." RyeoWook looked back at YoungSaeng. "You too?"
"The problem is, I don't know which way to go from here," YoungSaeng said, sitting back up. "I don't know which way is the wrong way or which is the right way. I thought I knew, but then I was wrong, but now I'm wrong again and I don't know what to do."
RyeoWook's eyes saddened. "If you're not sure which way to go…look at what feels right for you. People will always try to tell you which way is right or wrong, but you're the one who has to live with that decision in the end, not them."
"but neither choice feels right," YoungSaeng said softly. "that's the part I don't understand. If I do what I feel in my heart is right for me, I'll disappoint my family. If I do what my family wants and expects of me... I'll never have what I have wanted so badly for so long."
Placing down the knife he was holding, RyeoWook padded over to the table and slid down into the seat beside YoungSaeng. "It's not always easy, doing what makes you happy," he said quietly. "Especially when family's involved…cause it's hard when the people who raised you are disappointed in you."
"My father had a very specific plan for me growing up," YoungSaeng said, tracing his finger over the wood grain pattern in the table. "I was supposed to do well in school, go on to a good university and work in business like him. I was supposed to get married and start having children right after I got out of the military. I guess it's what all fathers want for their sons. I'm just not a good son... I couldn't do that for him, or provide a comfortable life for him."
RyeoWook shook his head slowly. "Living your own life isn't not being a good son," he said. "Is that…why you feel like you've failed him? You feel like what he wanted isn't what you want?"
YoungSaeng chewed at his bottom lip, scowling down at the table top. "Can you keep a secret?" he asked quietly.
Nodding slowly, RyeoWook watched the older man. "Yes, I can."
"There's only two other people who know this... one is KyuJong, the other I slept with and then told him I could never see him again," YoungSaeng said. "Because my father could never have a gay son."
RyeoWook's eyes slowly widened, flooding with sadness as he realized just what YoungSaeng meant. "Oh…"
He bit his lower lip and reached out, lightly resting his hand against YoungSaeng's arm. "I…I'm sorry. I think I understand what you're going through…my parents feel the same way."
"Do they know?" YoungSaeng asked, looking up at him. "Have you told them? I never found the courage to admit it to myself, let alone them."
"I told them," RyeoWook nodded. "And introduced them to my fiancé. They disowned me."
"I was sure that would happen if I told my parents," YoungSaeng said. "I denied who I was for so long and then I met someone... he made me feel like myself for the first time in so long but I kept holding back. I was so worried about what my father would think and how I couldn't disappoint him. I don't want to disappoint him even now."
RyeoWook nodded slowly, looking down. "I understand that…I didn't want to disappoint my parents either. But it was killing me to keep hiding it from them. At some point…I had to decide what was more important. Their dreams for me, or my own happiness and the love of my life." He looked up at YoungSaeng. "It's not an easy decision to make."
"I wish it was a decision I didn't have to make at all," YoungSaeng said. "I just want to be a normal person."
Heart hurting as he listened to the same words he used to say, and sometimes still did, RyeoWook sighed softly. "There's nothing wrong, being what we are," he said softly. "It…took me a long time to see it, but there really isn't. If people can't accept that…if parents can't accept that, it hurts a lot, but one day you'll find someone who makes all the pain worth it."
"What if I don't? What if I'm not meant to find that one person...I don't want to live like this waiting for that one day where someone puts me back together," YoungSaeng said. "I don't want to have to rely on someone else to make me feel normal, I want to feel normal by myself."
"Then you'll have to learn to accept yourself," RyeoWook replied. "Going with what your parents want, if it isn't what will make you happy, won't help you feel normal."
YoungSaeng's brow furrowed at that, chewing on one of his knuckles. "How long did it take you to come to terms with who you were?"
"…A long time," RyeoWook sighed. "On bad days, I still doubt myself even now. But it took me years to admit to myself that I like men, and just as long to stop seeing it as…something bad. I know it's not an easy thing to go through."
"Does it really get any better? Because I don't know how long I can live with this... feeling that I'm... wrong."
"Hyung…" RyeoWook turned towards YoungSaeng, reaching out to hold both the older man's hands. "You're not wrong. There's nothing wrong with you…what's wrong is that people can't see that themselves. It will get better. It got better for me…it'll get better for you too."
YoungSaeng slowly looked up into RyeoWook's eyes, his expression pensive. "I really hope it does."
"It will," RyeoWook smiled at him. "And…I'll give you my number, and my address, okay? If you ever feel like this…I'll be right over. No one should have to go through this on their own."
"You don't have to do that, I don't want to burden you more with my problems," YoungSaeng said, shaking his head. "I'm sure you've got enough to deal with. Kyu told me you were getting married?"
"I am," RyeoWook chuckled, and squeezed YoungSaeng's hands before letting go. "The date hasn't been decided yet. Let me decide what I find a burden. You're no burden to me." He stood up when the timer on the rice cooker beeped, going to finish up the meal. "After this, you should get some sleep."
"Probably," YoungSaeng nodded, resting his chin in his hand and closing his eyes. "How did you know your fiance.. what was his name? How did you know he was the one for you?"
"JongWoon. His name's JongWoon." RyeoWook finished chopping up the green onions, heating up a pan at the same time. "I just…knew. He's a bit of a spoiled rich kid, but whenever I wanted to do something his parents would consider beneath their status…he'd try. Even if he was no good at it, he'd try anyways, for me. He went to church with me every week, even if he's not that religious, and he's always so sweet and thoughtful. I don't know when I realized he was the one, but I know at some point I couldn't imagine life without him anymore."
"It's good that you've found someone like that," YoungSaeng said, lips quirking. "guess there's hope for everyone if even JungMin can find someone as great as KyuJong."
"JungMin just went through a different set of problems from ours, that's all. But…it's thanks to him I was able to accept myself finally. He was there when I had no one and desperately needed a friend." RyeoWook smiled softly as he put everything into the pan, cooking. "There is hope for everyone."
"Thank you... for helping me," YoungSaeng said, opening his eyes and looking over to him. "Not many people would stick around like that."
"I know what you're going through…there was no way I was going to just leave you," RyeoWook looked back at him. "Though I wasn't expecting this when JungMin called me up asking me to help him."
"What were you expecting? I'm sure he thought, and KyuJong thought, I was dead on the floor or something," YoungSaeng said, laughing dryly. "Thought about it... more than I should admit."
RyeoWook turned back to the stove, shutting his eyes and exhaling slowly. "…I'm glad you didn't," he said after a pause, looking back at YoungSaeng. "No one should ever feel like that's the only option. There are people here who care about you…you don't have to travel that road."
"Every time I thought about it... I thought about how Kyu would have to come back to that and he didn't deserve to find me like that," YoungSaeng said. "Probably would have been easier if I hadn't left my phone somewhere."
"Where did you leave it?" RyeoWook asked. "I can go find it, when I leave." Soon the kimchi fried rice was done, and he turned off the stove before serving a plate of it. He brought the plate to the table and placed it down with chopsticks, before turning to get a glass of water.
"No... I'll have to go get it myself," YoungSaeng said, looking down at the food. "Thank you for making this... I haven't eaten more than crackers in a couple days."
"It's nothing," RyeoWook smiled. "And if you're sure." He placed the filled glass down on the table. "Is there anything I can get for you?"
"No, you've done more than enough," YoungSaeng said, slowly picking at the food. "It... tastes really good."
"Well I'm graduating from culinary school in a couple weeks, so I'd hope it tastes okay," RyeoWook smiled, gaze softening before he reached out for a pad of paper he'd seen in the corner of the kitchen. Locating a pen, he jotted down his phone number, his address, and his work phone number and address before placing the paper on the table. "I mean it. I'll always answer the door, or the phone."
"... Maybe I'll take you up on that," YoungSaeng said. "You're the first person I've met who really understands what I'm going through. I keep being told by people who know that my father would just want what's best for me... and KyuJong's family accepts him for who he is and are so supportive."
"At least they support you," RyeoWook smiled at YoungSaeng sadly. "They might not understand, but you have people who care about you and want to help. Before JungMin…I didn't have that."
YoungSaeng frowned at that, shaking his head. "It's not the same and you know it. If it was, you wouldn't have struggled with it for so long either."
"It might not be the same, but you're not alone. It counts for a lot." RyeoWook wandered back into the kitchen to clean up.
"Not enough," YoungSaeng said, pushing his plate away and getting to his feet. "Just leave the dishes, I'll clean up later. I have to go out."
"Where are you going?" RyeoWook frowned, looking back at him. "You should really sleep." YoungSaeng still looked horrible.
"I need to get my phone," YoungSaeng said. "I'll sleep later."
"…You could barely stand before," RyeoWook sighed, walking back to him. "Get some sleep first, then your phone. You'll feel better after some proper rest." He touched YoungSaeng's arm lightly. "I'll stay with you until you fall asleep, okay?"
"No, I'm going to get my phone," YoungSaeng said, brushing RyeoWook off. "Just... go RyeoWook. Thank you for everything but I don't think you really understand either."
"How don't I understand?" RyeoWook frowned at that.
"Everyone has told me that I just need to do what makes me happy and to forget about the fact that my father would hate me for who I am," YoungSaeng said. "How is that a solution? How is that supposed to make me feel better?"
"What is the alternative?" the younger man asked. "Living a lie? Going through life hating yourself, afraid of anyone ever finding out?" His eyes were wide and sad before he looked away. "Despite what you think, I do understand. I've stood there and listened to my father tell me I'm a sinner, and my mother scream horrible words at my fiancé. I can't forget what they said or how much it hurt, but what I can do is move on as best as I can. Any other option…leads down a path you don't want to follow."
YoungSaeng took a deep breath, leaning against a wall for support. "I haven't accepted this is who I am yet. I'm not ready. I tried, I really did... I thought I could do it when I was with him but any time I had doubts about myself, he shut me out. He didn't want to help me through it."
"Are you sure he didn't want to help? Do you feel the same way about the others, like KyuJong sshi?" RyeoWook asked. "Do they not want to help, or do they just not know how?"
"KyuJong tries, but the thing with JungMin preoccupies most of his time and I get that," YoungSaeng said, shaking his head. "I don't think anyone knows how to really help. I don't even know how to help myself, I don't expect anyone else could do much better."
RyeoWook's shoulders slumped slightly. YoungSaeng had given up on himself, clearly. "They won't if you don't let them," he said quietly.
"... So what you're saying is it's all my fault," YoungSaeng said, eyes narrowing. "I didn't ask for this to happen to me. I was perfectly fine by myself before all this shit started. I don't need him, I don't need KyuJong, and I don't need you."
"I never said it was your fault." RyeoWook shook his head. "This is why you should sleep…I never said that, and I never meant it was your fault. None of this is your fault, no one asks for something like this to happen to them. I just mean that there are people trying to help you…they might not understand, but they're trying. But they won't be able to help unless you let them in. You want people to understand…but you're keeping them all at arm's length."
YoungSaeng sighed, his eyes closing. "...Maybe you're right, maybe I do just need some sleep," he said quietly. "Thank you for making me food RyeoWook."
"I'll make you food anytime." RyeoWook rested his hand lightly on YoungSaeng's shoulder. "Go to sleep…I can see myself out once you're comfortable."
"I don't need you to watch over me as I fall asleep, I'm not that much of a child," YoungSaeng said. "I can show you out at least."
"It's more for my piece of mind than anything," the younger man smiled sheepishly. "And it isn't childish. But okay…if you insist."
"Thanks for coming over RyeoWook... it was nice meeting you," YoungSaeng said, going to the door and opening it. "You're invited over more often, but you can tell JungMin he's not welcome here unless Kyu's here."
"Poor hyung," RyeoWook shook his head as he followed YoungSaeng to the front door. He stepped out into the hallway. "It was nice meeting you, too. Sleep well."
"I'll try," YoungSaeng replied with a nod, his lip quirking a little as he closed the door. There was a lot on his mind as he finally collapsed into his bed, but it wasn't enough to keep him conscious as he finally slipped into a deep restful sleep.
It was around noon the following day when the apartment door clicked open again. Unlocking from the outside, it swung open and someone stepped in. After the door had closed again, a suitcase was lugged out of the way and set to one side. Worried eyes surveying the room that was still dark, curtains drawn, with empty alcohol bottles sitting around. Turning away from the mess, he went straight to the second bedroom and leaned in the doorway.
"YoungSaeng?"
Sprawled out on the bed, YoungSaeng was nose first into a pillow, barely aware someone was speaking. His eyes slowly cracked open and he turned his head to get more comfortable. Vision still fuzzy, he blinked a few times at the figure in the doorway. "Hyun?" he murmured, brow furrowing as he tried to roll over onto his side and sit up.
The man standing at the door stepped into the room and approached the bed. He didn't open up the blinds, but he did turn on the bedside lamp. "Not even close."
KyuJong sat down on the edge of the bed, taking one of YoungSaeng's hands and brushing his best friend's hair out of his eyes. "I heard you've had a busy week…"
"...Kyu," YoungSaeng's eyes widened and he nearly tackled the younger man in a hug. "This week was awful, you're not allowed to leave me alone like that ever again," he said, hugging KyuJong tightly.
"I'm sorry, Saeng…" KyuJong wrapped his arms tightly around YoungSaeng in return, resting his cheek against the older man's hair. "I'm so sorry, you're not alone anymore, I promise," he whispered, closing his eyes.
YoungSaeng didn't reply, just holding onto KyuJong for a long while. He was past the point of tears, but having KyuJong home again made him feel a hundred times better already. "I thought you weren't coming back till next week?" he said finally when he puled back, finding one of KyuJong's hands and holding onto it tightly.
"That was the plan when I left," KyuJong replied, smiling sadly as he covered YoungSaeng's hand with his own. "But how can I stay away when my best friend needs me? I'm sorry I took so long getting back."
"You're going through stuff too, I understand," YoungSaeng said. "I'm sorry if I made things difficult on you... but I'm really glad you're home."
"I'm glad I am too." KyuJong shifted so he could sit properly on the bed with YoungSaeng, arm wrapped around his friend. "How have you been coping?"
"Liquor," YoungSaeng replied with a heavy sigh. "Lots of it. You didn't hide it very well. But I think I'm beyond the drinking stage of grief. I had some... unexpected help."
"Oh?" KyuJong ran his hand comfortingly along YoungSaeng's arm. "Tell me what I missed?"
Making himself comfortable against KyuJong's side, YoungSaeng started from the beginning, when he received the call from his mother. "And after I talked to you, I just... I didn't know what to think or how to feel at that moment. I wanted to feel something other than the pain in my heart," he said, eyes closing. "I made a mistake and went to HyunJoong's. All I could think about was being distracted from the pain for just a little while if I could."
KyuJong's eyes saddened. He had a feeling he knew where this was going. "What happened then?" he asked softly, letting YoungSaeng lean against him.
"Like I said, I made a mistake," YoungSaeng said. "Not what you're thinking though... my mistake was telling him afterwards that I couldn't be with a man and that what he and I were doing couldn't happen again. He was very angry and I guess he had a right to be, but I was hurting too and I still am. I don't know what I'm doing Kyu."
Exhaling slowly, KyuJong rested his head against YoungSaeng's. "What made you tell him that?" he murmured softly. "What triggered it?"
"It's hard to explain," YoungSaeng said, brow furrowing slightly. "I was getting dressed and thinking about how I had to go home and see my mom and how disappointed she would be if she knew what I had done when I hung up on her. Then it just snowballed from there."
KyuJong chewed on his lower lip, gaze lowered. "Saeng…there's nothing wrong with being how we are. It's hard to see sometimes…especially when parents are involved."
"No offense Kyu, but you really don't know what it feels like to be in my position," YoungSaeng said, looking away. "Your boyfriend brought one of his friends over for me to meet... RyeoWook? He seemed like a normal enough guy.. he's the first person who really understood me."
Shoulders slumping a little at YoungSaeng's comment, KyuJong sighed softly. "Ah…I know RyeoWook. Did meeting him help?"
"A little," YoungSaeng nodded. "There's a lot I'm going to have to get through on my own, but I think I have some things figured out. I need to face some things about myself, things I was trying to avoid for so long. I'm not okay yet Kyu, it's going to be a while before I am."
"I know…as long as you know that whenever you need help, need someone there for you, I'm always going to be here." KyuJong ran his hand along YoungSaeng's arm slowly. "I might not have…gone through the exact situation you are, but that isn't going to stop me from doing whatever I can for you."
"A comforting shoulder to lean on is all I really need," YoungSaeng said. "Just like I'm here for you when you need it."
"I'll always be your shoulder," KyuJong hugged him close. "Is there anything I can do for you now? Maybe clean up a little, make you something to eat?"
"Well... I think I'm fine for food," YoungSaeng said, rubbing at his eyes. "I think I'm actually going to get cleaned up and head out. I left my phone somewhere and I kind of want it back."
"Oh…okay," KyuJong nodded. "Want me to come with you?"
"No... I think I really need to do this on my own," YoungSaeng said. "Besides, I'm sure there's someone else who has missed you just as much. Have you let him know you're back in town yet?"
"Ah…no, not yet," the younger man's lips curled into a soft smile. "I wanted to make sure you're okay, since, well…I'm pretty sure if I were to go over there, I wouldn't be allowed to leave until the next morning."
"Probably not," YoungSaeng snorted, scooting off the bed and getting up to his feet. "I'll be okay eventually, but thanks... I'm really lucky to have you as a friend. Even if I don't like your boyfriend and I don't deserve you... you've been the best friend anyone can ask for."
"Don't say things like that," KyuJong chuckled, shaking his head. "Do you want me here tonight, Saeng? I can go see Min tomorrow, my best friend comes first."
"No, it's okay," YoungSaeng said. "I may have my own thing going on, but I know you're still dealing with stuff with him. You sort that out, don't worry about me."
"I'll always worry about you, you should know that by now," KyuJong rolled his eyes but stood up from the bed. "I'm going to clean up a bit then head out…once you get your phone back, you call me if you need anything, okay? I'll come running back."
"I'm sure I'll be fine," YoungSaeng said, digging in one of his drawers for some clothes. "I don't want to interrupt you and whatever it is JungMin will be doing to you when you get there."
KyuJong pinked. "I told you, best friends come first. Let me know when you get your phone back at least." He headed out into the living room to clean up some of the empty bottles laying around. "I thought I hid these…"
"Not very well," YoungSaeng called out to him. Poking his head out of his room, he smirked a little. "I'm glad you're home Kyu. Odd as it seems, I really missed your mothering over me."
"Who else is going to make sure you stay fed?" KyuJong chuckled, looking up at YoungSaeng as he gathered up bottles.
"Exactly," YoungSaeng agreed, closing the door to his room. After a quick shower and some clean clothes, he got his things together to leave. "So I guess you won't be home tonight then?" he said, finding his wallet and keys.
"Probably not," KyuJong shook his head. "Though then again I think SungMin is still staying with him, so I might be. We'll see."
"I hope for your sake he's not and you and JungMin can get past this," YoungSaeng said. "I may not like the guy that much, but... I can tell you've been good for him. And if a guy like RyeoWook can vouch for him then he can't be that bad."
KyuJong chuckled softly. "JungMin's not bad…I just needed some time to myself to think things over." He straightened. "I hope you'll be okay with him one day."
"Well if you insist on keeping him around then I guess I'll have to," YoungSaeng said. "Have a good night Kyu, I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah, see you tomorrow," KyuJong nodded, smiling at him. "Stay safe, Saeng."
"I will," YoungSaeng said, walking over to give KyuJong a tight hug. "Goes without saying, but you too. Make sure he wears protection," he chuckled, dodging out of the hug before he was hit and skipping towards the door.
KyuJong's face turned bright red as he swung and missed. "Very funny," he huffed, heading into the kitchen. "See if I make your favorite dinner tomorrow!"
"You will cause you love me and don't want me to starve!" YoungSaeng called back, waving as he finally left the apartment, closing the door. After having spent the better part of the week in the dark apartment, he squinted at the harsh sun when he made it out to the street. Pulling the hood up on his jacket, he kept his eyes to the ground as he made his way to the subway. He had no idea how HyunJoong would react to seeing him again and if he'd get to say more than two words to him. There was only so much YoungSaeng could explain away in how he had acted towards HyunJoong, and he wasn't even sure if he deserved the chance to say anything as it was.