Fic (White Collar): Deal With It
Title: Deal With It
Author: cookielaura
Characters: Neal Caffrey, Peter Burke, gen
Rating: G
Word Count: 730
Spoilers: None
Warnings: Crack
Beta: wise_old_crone
Summary: Neal accidentally acquires a baby, as you do. Dialogue-only ficlet, set season 1.
Notes: For ohcaptain, inspired by her comment here. Fills the 'accidental baby acquisition square' on my trope-bingo card.
‘Oh, hey Neal. What brings you here?’
‘Hey Peter. Just thought I’d drop by. Seemed like a nice day to spend in Brooklyn. I thought you might need a hand with yardwork, or walking Satch, or something.’
‘Um, okay. Thank you.’
‘There’s no need to look at me so suspiciously. I just thought it would be fun to spend the day together.’
‘I feel like we do that enough.’
‘At work, maybe. But colleagues should bond outside of work too.’
‘I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t call us colleagues.’
‘Okay, well, I’d love to debate that with you, but I should really pay the cab driver, and I left something on the back seat.’
‘Go on then.’
‘Right. Have you, y’know? Got any cash?’
‘Are you serious?’
‘I don’t have any change, I left in a rush.’
‘To come over here and help with the yardwork.’
‘Yes, exactly.’
‘…Fine. Here. You can pay me back on Monday.’
‘I’ll definitely do that. Wait here.’
‘Neal, is that… is that Mozzie driving? Did you just use my money to pay Mozzie?’
‘I told you to wait there.’
‘And is that… is that a baby?!’
‘I believe so.’
‘Why is it a baby?’
‘How existential of you, Peter. I don’t think she has quite the necessary brainpower to debate that with you yet, though.’
‘Bring it inside, now.’
‘Her. Bring her inside.’
‘I don’t care, just stop standing on my doorstep with someone else’s baby!’
‘Fine. I’m glad she’s still sleeping, with a welcome like that.’
‘Who is she?’
‘I’m not…entirely sure.’
‘Well, where did she come from?’
‘Do we need to have a discussion about the birds and the bees, Peter?’
‘Neal. Explain.’
‘Okay. When a man loves a woman -’
‘About the baby! This baby! Explain why this specific baby is in my living room!’
‘Oh. I seem to have, uh, accidentally acquired her. So I guess she’s my responsibility, for a while. Well, our responsibility now.’
‘Nope, still yours.’
‘Your support warms my heart.’
‘I’m glad. Let me ask you this. Did you steal the baby?’
‘No. Absolutely not. Not on purpose.’
‘Not on purpose?’
‘Well, Mozzie and I -’
‘No, you know what, I don’t wanna know.’
‘Plausible deniability?’
‘Yes. Just tell me she’s going to be returned to her rightful owner.’
‘Mozzie’s trying to get in contact with the mother right now.’
‘Great.’
‘What should we do with the baby in the meantime?’
‘I don’t know! Just… deal with it accordingly!’
‘I’m trying to. Why do you think I’m here?’
‘You thought I could help you?’
‘No, of course not.’
‘Oh, thanks.’
‘I thought Elizabeth could help.’
‘El’s not here.’
‘I can see that, thank you.’
‘She’s waking up.’
‘Elizabeth?’
‘No, the baby. The baby’s waking up.’
‘Oh. Ohhh, heyyy, sweetie, how are you? My name’s Neal, and this is mean old Uncle Peter.’
‘Charming. I’m the one who’s put a roof over her head.’
‘You want to hold her?’
‘No. Babies don’t like me.’
‘I genuinely cannot imagine why.’
‘Me neither.’
‘She’s looking at you. Maybe she does like you. Say hello.’
‘Say hello?’
‘It’s a simple concept.’
‘Okay…okay. Hi… girl.’
…
‘Neal, stop laughing!’
‘I’m sorry. Please, continue to address her like a horse.’
‘I told you I wasn’t good at this. How long are you expecting her to be here?’
‘I don’t - oh, here, take her while I take this call.’
‘Neal! …Neal? Okay. Okay, we can do this. We can be on our own, right little one? Yes, yes that’s my finger. Oh, you’ve got a good grip there. Hmm, that’s funny is it?’
‘Peter? You doing alright there?’
‘Yeah. Yeah, she’s actually… I think we like each other. She’s got my finger.’
‘I’m glad you’ve bonded. Good news, the mother managed to contact Moz just after he left. He’s picking her up, they’ll be here in a half hour.’
‘Oh. That’s good. It’s…soon.’
‘You okay, Peter?’
‘Fine. I’ll just - I’ll just hold her until they get here, shall I? To save you the trouble.’
‘Well, if you insist.’
‘I do.’
‘See, I knew this was the right place to come. I’ll be sure to bring you all the babies I accidentally acquire in future.’
‘I…don’t know what to say to that.’
‘You don’t need to say anything, Peter. It’s settled. You know, I bet this sort of thing is more common than we realise…’
Author: cookielaura
Characters: Neal Caffrey, Peter Burke, gen
Rating: G
Word Count: 730
Spoilers: None
Warnings: Crack
Beta: wise_old_crone
Summary: Neal accidentally acquires a baby, as you do. Dialogue-only ficlet, set season 1.
Notes: For ohcaptain, inspired by her comment here. Fills the 'accidental baby acquisition square' on my trope-bingo card.
‘Oh, hey Neal. What brings you here?’
‘Hey Peter. Just thought I’d drop by. Seemed like a nice day to spend in Brooklyn. I thought you might need a hand with yardwork, or walking Satch, or something.’
‘Um, okay. Thank you.’
‘There’s no need to look at me so suspiciously. I just thought it would be fun to spend the day together.’
‘I feel like we do that enough.’
‘At work, maybe. But colleagues should bond outside of work too.’
‘I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t call us colleagues.’
‘Okay, well, I’d love to debate that with you, but I should really pay the cab driver, and I left something on the back seat.’
‘Go on then.’
‘Right. Have you, y’know? Got any cash?’
‘Are you serious?’
‘I don’t have any change, I left in a rush.’
‘To come over here and help with the yardwork.’
‘Yes, exactly.’
‘…Fine. Here. You can pay me back on Monday.’
‘I’ll definitely do that. Wait here.’
‘Neal, is that… is that Mozzie driving? Did you just use my money to pay Mozzie?’
‘I told you to wait there.’
‘And is that… is that a baby?!’
‘I believe so.’
‘Why is it a baby?’
‘How existential of you, Peter. I don’t think she has quite the necessary brainpower to debate that with you yet, though.’
‘Bring it inside, now.’
‘Her. Bring her inside.’
‘I don’t care, just stop standing on my doorstep with someone else’s baby!’
‘Fine. I’m glad she’s still sleeping, with a welcome like that.’
‘Who is she?’
‘I’m not…entirely sure.’
‘Well, where did she come from?’
‘Do we need to have a discussion about the birds and the bees, Peter?’
‘Neal. Explain.’
‘Okay. When a man loves a woman -’
‘About the baby! This baby! Explain why this specific baby is in my living room!’
‘Oh. I seem to have, uh, accidentally acquired her. So I guess she’s my responsibility, for a while. Well, our responsibility now.’
‘Nope, still yours.’
‘Your support warms my heart.’
‘I’m glad. Let me ask you this. Did you steal the baby?’
‘No. Absolutely not. Not on purpose.’
‘Not on purpose?’
‘Well, Mozzie and I -’
‘No, you know what, I don’t wanna know.’
‘Plausible deniability?’
‘Yes. Just tell me she’s going to be returned to her rightful owner.’
‘Mozzie’s trying to get in contact with the mother right now.’
‘Great.’
‘What should we do with the baby in the meantime?’
‘I don’t know! Just… deal with it accordingly!’
‘I’m trying to. Why do you think I’m here?’
‘You thought I could help you?’
‘No, of course not.’
‘Oh, thanks.’
‘I thought Elizabeth could help.’
‘El’s not here.’
‘I can see that, thank you.’
‘She’s waking up.’
‘Elizabeth?’
‘No, the baby. The baby’s waking up.’
‘Oh. Ohhh, heyyy, sweetie, how are you? My name’s Neal, and this is mean old Uncle Peter.’
‘Charming. I’m the one who’s put a roof over her head.’
‘You want to hold her?’
‘No. Babies don’t like me.’
‘I genuinely cannot imagine why.’
‘Me neither.’
‘She’s looking at you. Maybe she does like you. Say hello.’
‘Say hello?’
‘It’s a simple concept.’
‘Okay…okay. Hi… girl.’
…
‘Neal, stop laughing!’
‘I’m sorry. Please, continue to address her like a horse.’
‘I told you I wasn’t good at this. How long are you expecting her to be here?’
‘I don’t - oh, here, take her while I take this call.’
‘Neal! …Neal? Okay. Okay, we can do this. We can be on our own, right little one? Yes, yes that’s my finger. Oh, you’ve got a good grip there. Hmm, that’s funny is it?’
‘Peter? You doing alright there?’
‘Yeah. Yeah, she’s actually… I think we like each other. She’s got my finger.’
‘I’m glad you’ve bonded. Good news, the mother managed to contact Moz just after he left. He’s picking her up, they’ll be here in a half hour.’
‘Oh. That’s good. It’s…soon.’
‘You okay, Peter?’
‘Fine. I’ll just - I’ll just hold her until they get here, shall I? To save you the trouble.’
‘Well, if you insist.’
‘I do.’
‘See, I knew this was the right place to come. I’ll be sure to bring you all the babies I accidentally acquire in future.’
‘I…don’t know what to say to that.’
‘You don’t need to say anything, Peter. It’s settled. You know, I bet this sort of thing is more common than we realise…’