= Just Some Random Thoughts =
I am tired. I feel like quitting.
Unconsciously, I dropped to my knees,
Then lay on the ground and took a nap...
My feet are wobbly for crossing the distance.
Body & soul too fatigue to go on.
I saw my childhood teddy bear, held in my arms,
That old Lego set that has been displayed
as a strong castle right beside me.
At that moment, everything seems so wonderful.
I am free & I have got back that forgotten feeling,
that was numbed & lost so long ago.
I can run, jump, spin all around.
Not a care in the world.
That is not merely a memory,
I am living like that now!
But like all happiness, this is short lived.
Tears blurred by vision, wetting my cheeks.
The rain of sadness flooded me.
No... I don't want to drown in my sorrow...
I shut my eyes, forcing the image out of my head.
Praying that I would get rid of that horrid sight.
When I regained recognition to where I am,
What I saw was a fishing line,
Which reminded me that I'm still in a race.
I managed to pick myself up,
Only having a goal set in my mind,
To walk towards it and complete this reality.
Hmm... This is strange.
The further I walked the wider the distance,
between me and the finishing line.
I panicked, fearing for the worst.
Then I started to run,
But it just backfired, I cannot outrun this gap.
Until one point, I just fell without a reason.
By then, I could see the ending point no more.
I can't get up. My soul is weighing me down.
The refusal inside me, building up, swallowing me.
This cry from within, silently killing me.
I finally broke down. I cried my loudest,
screaming my lungs out,
Overwhelmed by that outburst,
letting out all that air I have suppressed for so long.
Now I remember, I have lost my self-identity.
For a long time till now,
This unknown piercing I have felt all along,
I don't know the source to it at all.
Now I have realised that it is to tell me how clueless
of the emotions I have forgotten how to express.
Cries of happiness, misery & relieve...
Ways to laugh and enjoy myself...
Learning once again of how to be me!
The sight before me, became clear once more.
The tracks on the ground vanished,
Confused for all sense of directions were gone.
I'm left in the middle of the meadow,
Laying on this patch of grass.
Tears dried up, not leaving a single trace of evidence.
In this foreign place, I have found peace.
The echo to my voice so serene, it just felt so right...
Dated : August 2004
Unconsciously, I dropped to my knees,
Then lay on the ground and took a nap...
My feet are wobbly for crossing the distance.
Body & soul too fatigue to go on.
I saw my childhood teddy bear, held in my arms,
That old Lego set that has been displayed
as a strong castle right beside me.
At that moment, everything seems so wonderful.
I am free & I have got back that forgotten feeling,
that was numbed & lost so long ago.
I can run, jump, spin all around.
Not a care in the world.
That is not merely a memory,
I am living like that now!
But like all happiness, this is short lived.
Tears blurred by vision, wetting my cheeks.
The rain of sadness flooded me.
No... I don't want to drown in my sorrow...
I shut my eyes, forcing the image out of my head.
Praying that I would get rid of that horrid sight.
When I regained recognition to where I am,
What I saw was a fishing line,
Which reminded me that I'm still in a race.
I managed to pick myself up,
Only having a goal set in my mind,
To walk towards it and complete this reality.
Hmm... This is strange.
The further I walked the wider the distance,
between me and the finishing line.
I panicked, fearing for the worst.
Then I started to run,
But it just backfired, I cannot outrun this gap.
Until one point, I just fell without a reason.
By then, I could see the ending point no more.
I can't get up. My soul is weighing me down.
The refusal inside me, building up, swallowing me.
This cry from within, silently killing me.
I finally broke down. I cried my loudest,
screaming my lungs out,
Overwhelmed by that outburst,
letting out all that air I have suppressed for so long.
Now I remember, I have lost my self-identity.
For a long time till now,
This unknown piercing I have felt all along,
I don't know the source to it at all.
Now I have realised that it is to tell me how clueless
of the emotions I have forgotten how to express.
Cries of happiness, misery & relieve...
Ways to laugh and enjoy myself...
Learning once again of how to be me!
The sight before me, became clear once more.
The tracks on the ground vanished,
Confused for all sense of directions were gone.
I'm left in the middle of the meadow,
Laying on this patch of grass.
Tears dried up, not leaving a single trace of evidence.
In this foreign place, I have found peace.
The echo to my voice so serene, it just felt so right...
Dated : August 2004