*Free Time Humour* : "The Matrix Rewritten" (V1.0).
In the film commentary style of Mystery Science Theater 3000, comes:
~"The Matrix Rewritten"~
Based Upon
"The Matrix Reloaded"
[Omnimous Orchestral music plays as the WB logo flickers.]
- Oooh...spookily evil and haunting...just like Warner.
[Code scrolls down and around, zooming around the screen.]
- New Microsoft Matrix 2199...in stores now.
- Also available for Macintosh and Linux...
[The Code becomes a clock ticking exactly to midnight.]
- Damn. Very late for lunch or very very early. Take your pick.
[As the RENT-A-COP heads home, a Ducati motorcycle flies toward the parking lot at a dangerously fast velocity.]
- Logic dictates that these Rent-A-Cops don't earn enough to deal with this crap, and should run.
- Rent-A-Cops? Logic?
- Good point.
[The RENT-A-COPS stay and fight TRINITY, getting their arses kicked.]
- This is filmed proof. Rent-A-Cops have no mental capacity for logic.
[TRINITY: I'm in.]
-...sane.
-...troducing this half-baked sequel.
[The code swirls into a blast of dust-like patterns, reforming around.]
- "Filmgoers trapped inside a computer crash. Film at Eleven."
[TRINITY smashes out of the window, plummeting downward, guns blazing up at AGENT THOMPSON, who's pursuing her, firing back at her.]
- Smartarse Agent knows he's invincible. Cheating bastard.
- Well that's not good...does she know Matrix pavement falls aren't as comfy as Jump program pavement falls...?
- If not, she'll find out soon enough.
[TRINITY's hit in the abdomen by AGENT THOMPSON's well aimed shot.]
- MEDIC!
- She's dead Jim!
- Is there a Doctor in the sky...?
[Her body hits the parked car with a spectacular smash.]
- There goes the "No claims bonus"...
- She just gave them a free convertible.
- She landed on a car in the City with no nearby car alarms going off? 10 points for her landing!
[NEO wakes up, and spots TRINITY next to him in bed.]
- Whoa.
- Dude, where's *the* car?
[NEO heads for the mess hall, camera shot switching to the outside of the NEBUCHANEZZER.
MORPHEUS: We're almost there.]
- ...and if you kick my seat again, I'll turn this Hovercraft 'round and fly right back to Zion!
[LINK: Sir, you sure about this?]
- No, absolutely no clue at all. That's why I'm Captain. Idiot.
- Sure? Of course I am. Oh look. Sentinels!
- {Trinity voice} "That's my line!"
[MORPHEUS: I've told you, we're going to be alright.]
- As snug as a bug in a gut.
- So quit asking me already.
- If you're *that* paranoid, sleep by the E.M.P. No, wait...bad idea...
[LINK: I understand, sir, it's just that... I'm scoping some serious sentinel activity up here.]
- "I'm crapping my pants, sir."
- "Hold me."
[MORPHEUS: Link.
LINK: Yes sir?
MORPHEUS: Given your situation, I can't say I fully understand your reasons for volunteering to operate onboard my ship.
However, if you wish to continue to do so, I must ask you to do one thing.
LINK: What's that, sir?
MORPHEUS: To trust me.]
- "'Cause {heavy Austrian accent} I'll be back..."
- "Volunteer? Hell, I joined up out of boredom..."
[LINK: Yes, sir, I will, sir... I mean, I do, sir.]
- "Whoops sir."
- "Three bags full sir."
- "Sirry Sir."
[MORPHEUS: I hope so. Now re-patch the main AC to the hard drives and stand by to broadcast.
LINK: Yes, sir.]
- "The what?"
- "And the what...?"
- "And the what...?!"
[TRINITY joins NEO in the Mess Hall, and the two talk to each other.
TRINITY: Still can't sleep?]
- "Only since you told me what REALLY happened to Tank..."
- "All of that blood..."
- "The pain, oh the pain..."
[NEO shakes his head.
TRINITY: You wanna talk?]
- Ten bucks says it's guilt over finally trying some time alone with Mouse's Woman in the Red Dress program.
- Twenty says it was Mouse's hacked Agent Smith program.
- You're on.
[NEO: They're just dreams.]
- ...not if your name's Douglas Quaid...
- ...kinky, erotic, mysterious or bizarre ones?
[TRINITY: If you're afraid of something,...]
- "Just of what you did with Tank..."
- "The horror, the horror!"
[NEO: I just wish... I wish I knew what I'm supposed to do. That's all. I just wish I knew.]
- Was that Neo or Keanu talking to us?
- One or both. Equally as clueless.
[TRINITY: She's gonna call. Don't worry.]
- She took your number at the party. She must fancy you...
- Or she took it to shut you up, going on about being the "new Messiah" while drunk...
- "Hey baby, want to join the Second Coming?" isn't the best pickup line in the world...
[LINK: There you are.
TRINITY: Are we ready to go?
LINK: We're already late.]
---------END NEB. SCENE/START SEWER MEETING SCENE----------
[NIOBE: These geotherms confirm the last transmission of the Osiris. The machines are digging. They're boring from the surface straight down to Zion.]
- BOOOOOORING!
- To make any sense of this, see "The Animatrix"! On sale now at reputable stores Worldwide.
- Some not so reputable.
- Cash in.
- Clever but.
[{CAPTAIN 1}: Mother...]
- ...fudger.
- The Censors won't let him say the fun words! Aww.
- Darn the fudging Censors. Sugar.
[{CAPTAIN 2}: They'll avoid the entire perimeter defense.]
- A Perimeter around a giant spherical dome city...how many ships are there again...?!
[ICE: How fast are they moving?]
- Very.
- Faster than that last sentence.
[NIOBE: Control estimates their descent at a hundred meters an hour.]
- ZOOM!
- WHOOSH!
- "Go Speed Racer Go!"
[{CREW/CAPTAIN}: Shit.]
- You're in it.
- Deep.
- Very.
[{CAPTAIN 2}: How deep are they?
NIOBE: Almost two thousand meters.]
- Roughly as deep as she is.
[{CAPTAIN 2}: What about the scans from the Osiris?
{CAPTAIN 3}: They can't be accurate.
NIOBE: They may be.
{CREW/CAPTAIN}: What?
{CAPTAIN 3}: It's not possible.]
- And they say Captains lack intelligence...never.
- These Captains are as quick on the draw as Forrest Gump.
- All as useful as a one legged guy in an arse kicking contest...
[BINARY: That'd mean there are a quarter of a million sentinels out there.]
- Machine Rule : Over a Quarter of a million killer robots can't be wrong.
- Resistance Is Futile! Whoops...wrong movie.
[NIOBE: That's right.
{CAPTAIN 3}: That can't be.]
- "Captains test their wits, film at eleven!"
[MORPHEUS: Why not? A sentinel for every man, woman, and child in Zion. That sounds exactly like the thinking of a machine to me.]
- Enter The Douchebag.
- ...with Morpheus and Trinity.
- Hey! Be nice to Jesus Version 2.0. He's Mankind's Saviour.
- Mankind's Saviour?
- We're screwed.
[NIOBE: Morpheus, glad you could join us.]
- As for them...
- Get the lackeys out of my sight!
- Captains only, so {pokes tongue out}!
[MORPHEUS: Niobe. My apologies to all. As you are undoubtedly aware, it has become increasingly difficult to locate a secure
broadcast position.]
- Gates is the one buying out all of the good spots.
- Or Murdoch.
- Or Packer.
[{CAPTAIN}: Squiddies got all our best spots.]
- Gates is really a squiddie in disguise? Who knew.
- Explains the lack of Human social skills.
- And lack of public appearances.
- Now be nice. You're giving calamari a bad name.
[ICE: Mainlines are crawling with them.]
- "Squids are on my mainlines! Geddem off! Geddem off!"
- "Reactions to the infamous 'Red Pill', next on '60 Minutes'."
[{CAPTAIN}: And if Niobe's right, in 72 hours there's gonna be a quarter of a million more.]
- Wow. Suckers must own a ton of Barry White albums.
- {Deep Bass voice} Owhhh yeahrrrrrrr...
[BALLARD: What are we gonna do about it?]
- How do you castrate a machine?
- Lop their Diodes off?
- That was rhetorical.
- Oh.
[NIOBE: We're gonna do what Commander Lock ordered us to do. We'll evacuate broadcast level and return to Zion.]
- RETREAT!
- Full speed behind!
- Warp One, disengage! Whoops...wrong film.
[MORPHEUS: And does the Commander have a plan for stopping 250,000 sentinels?
NIOBE: A strategy is still being formulated.]
- "I have no clue whatsoever."
[MORPHEUS: I'm sure it is.]
- "Strategy huh? Yeah right."
[{CAPTAIN}: What do you think we should do, Morpheus?]
- "Duck and cover."
- "Bob and weave."
- "Sing a song together to boost troop morale."
[MORPHEUS: I think we should proceed as ordered, however...]
- Yada yada yada...
[Neo looks up in suprise.
TRINITY: What is it?]
- {British accent} "I sense a disturbance in the Force!" Whoops...wrong film again...
[NEO: I don't know.]
- When does he?
- Well, besides knowing Kung-Fu, but thanks to a headplug assist?
[MORPHEUS: I must ask one of you for help. Some of you believe as I believe. Some of you do not. But those of you that do, know we are nearing the end of our struggle. The prophecy will be fulfilled soon, but before it can be, the Oracle must be consulted.]
- She *must* be consulted! Believe in the Church of Morpheus and thou shall receive!
- Amen!
- Join today!
- Limited time offer membership.
- Call now, Operators *always* standing by.
[MORPHEUS: If we return and recharge now, we can be back with inside 36 hours. Well before the machines have reached this depth.
NIOBE: Do you understand what you're asking?]
- "Is this air we're breathing?"
- "Does Neo have a clue?"
- "Is Agent Smith well and truly destroyed?"
[MORPHEUS: I am asking that one ship remain here in our place just in case that the Oracle should attempt to contact us.
BALLARD: Bullshit, you're asking for one of us to disobey a direct order.]
- Finally, a Captain with brains.
[MORPHEUS: That's right, I am. But we well know that the reason most of us are here is because of our affinity for disobedience.
{CAPTAIN}: And what happens when you get back to Zion and the Commander throws you in the stockade?]
- "I'll enjoy it immensely."
- "Zion has a stockade?"
- "Is that like Powerade?"
- "Drink *Mooooooorrrrrre*."
[MORPHEUS: He won't.
BALLARD: Goddamn it, Morpheus, you ain't never gonna change. Shit, I'll do it, just to see what 'Deadbolt' does to you. You got 36 hours.]
- A day and a half? In a spot crawling with Sentinels? Guy's got some guts.
-Meanwhile Morphy here's gonna go home and get some decent sleep while these poor innocent guys stay wide awake and paranoid. Good move Ballard.
- "All this for college money...?!"
- "Enlist now!"
- "Would you like to know *MORE*...?"
[A black car rolls down the street, nearing the solid steel Sewer access door, stopping, an UNIDENTIFIED MAN getting out, knocking on the door. A viewport opens, CORRUPT on the other side.
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: I'm looking for Neo.]
- "He gave me his phone number at a party, but he was too drunk to remember me...his cell's always busy...plus, I was in a dress at the time going by the name Mitzi..."
[CORRUPT: Never heard of him.]
- Smart man. Good move.
[UNIDENTIFIED MAN: I have something for him. A gift. You see, he set me free.
The UNIDENTIFIED MAN hands an envelope through the viewport. CORRUPT snatches it with annoyance.
CORRUPT: Fine, whatever. Now piss off.
CORRUPT slams the viewport closed.]
- Why doesn't he just hold a big fat neon sign saying: "The One's Right Through Here"?
- I take it back. Stupid move.
[NEO: Who was that?
WURM: How did you know someone was here?]
- "The Force is strong in this one..."
- "Messiah's intuition."
[CORRUPT: He gave you this. He said you set him free.
NEO takes the envelope, ripping it open. An Agent earpiece falls into his hand to his silent suprise.
WURM: Is everything all right, sir?
NEO: The meeting is over, retreat to your exits. Agents are coming.
CORRUPT: Agents?!]
- Maybe his Rebel name should be "Repeat"?
- "Loop"?
[The door is hammered inward by what look like fistmarks.
NEO: Go.
WURM and CORRUPT flee, just barely avoiding the trio of Agents entering the room.
NEO: Hiya, fellas.]
- I say that to killer A.I all the time. Calms them down real quick.
[AGENT JOHNSON: It's him.
AGENT THOMPSON: The Anomaly.
AGENT JACKSON: Do we proceed?
AGENT THOMPSON: Yes.
AGENT JACKSON: He is still...
AGENT JOHNSON:...only human.]
- And that's a wrap for Thompson and Jackson's dialogue.
- Bah. No matter. Smith sounds cooler anyway.
- Johnson's voice isn't half bad though.
- Needs to exaggerate the phonetics of his words. Works for Smith.
- He says the words while breathing out deeply. Good enough?
- Bah. It'll do.
[NEO: Hmm. Upgrades.]
- Agent Version 2.0. Less Australian and less interesting.
- Smirks and psychotic dislike of Humanity optional extras.
[A blaze of fighting sees NEO beat the Agents to a pulp, and finding everyone else gone without a trace, he leaps skyward.
SMITH apears, walking along the street, looking at someone.
SMITH: That went as expected.
He meets up with SMITH #2, standing directly opposite him.
SMITH #2: Yes.
SMITH: It's happening exactly as before.
SMITH #2: Well, not exactly.]
- Smith and Smith, for all your Agent firearm needs.
- Man, the look on Wesson's face when he was overwritten...
[TO BE CONTINUED...?]
[LEGALESE: WB (both of them) own the rights to all Matrix related material. MST3K didn't come up with the idea first, but made it AMAZINGLY funny and popular. All mentioned persons/studios/entities own the copyright. I'm just borrowing it to entertain. All other material Copyright Sam Timmins 2004.]
Yes, I made this. If you like it, please let me know. If not, please, constructive criticism. :)
Bah. I have no account, so I can't make a poll, but who wants me to finish this? Any comments on that?