the way you turn me on//finn+blaine, kurt/blaine, r
title; the way you turn me on
rating; light r
word count; 4,239
pairing/characters; finn+blaine, kurt/blaine, discussed finn/rachel
disclaimer; i do not own glee. at all. nope.
warnings; dirty talk?
summary; finn needs help with being more kinky. blaine is too nice to refuse and kurt continues to be amused by their innocently inappropriate friendship.
a/n; I've had this on my computer for a while and I was going to add the ton of extra stuff I had in mind for this but it would have got wayyy too long and I'm already short on time to catch up with homework but I wanted to leave something here for the countless, countless people who requested more from this verse. :) Once again-set in my weirdly comedic ny!verse after burger ninjas and if i lay here. Inspired by yet another friends scene. I really hope you guys enjoy this-the ending may be rushed but it was as ever, tons of fun to write :)
“So...” Finn starts in what Blaine instantly recognizes to be a forced casual tone. It rings a lot of warning bells in his head-Finn usually never makes such an effort to appear nonchalant unless he’s about to ask something incredibly uncomfortable and since Finn wasn’t this nervous even when blatantly asking Blaine to cuddle and nap with him, Blaine’s guessing this is something pretty serious even for Finn.
“So...” he repeats, putting his half eaten burger back in the tray of French fries and fixing Finn with a curious stare.
“What do you and Kurt do in bed?” Finn asks, avoiding Blaine’s gaze and swirling a fry repeatedly in a glob of ketchup.
Blaine blinks. His reflex question a year ago would have been What? Or Excuse me? But by now, he’s so used to Finn’s incredibly awkward, often very inappropriate questions, he simply takes a sip of his beer and says as calmly as he can; “We sleep, Finn. That’s what beds are for.”
“No-I didn’t mean...” Finn looks at him and Blaine almost laughs because Finn actually looks like he feels the need to clarify his question. Blaine tries to stop him before he actually does.
“No, I know what you-”
“-I meant sex stuff.” They both speak at the same time and their sentences end in an embarrassing silence.
“Finn,” Blaine starts calmly, “I’m going to pretend you didn’t ask that question and we’re going to continue with our burgers, go home to our partners and never talk about this again.” Blaine’s honestly losing count of how many things are being catalogued into the ‘we are never mentioning this again’ part of his brain.
“I know it’s weird-” Finn starts
“-beyond weird, Finn and also very inappropriate,” Blaine says as gently as he can. He feels like he’s telling off a kid for watching kinky porn.
Finn hesitates and continues to drown his fry in ketchup without really paying any attention to it. After a moment he speaks up again. “Blaine, we’re bros right?”
“Yes...” Blaine agrees tentatively.
“Well then, bros help each other out.” Finn says, abandoning the fry and looking at Blaine with a determined expression and oh crap...Blaine knows this conversation isn’t going to end well.
“Finn-”
“No, listen,” Finn cuts him off, “I know this is weird for you and I don’t want you to think I want to know about all the kinky stuff you and Kurt do in bed because I don’t.”
Blaine sighs in relief. Well, that’s reassuring.
“Actually, no. I do want to know the kinky stuff you two do in bed,” Finn corrects quickly and Blaine groans, head falling forward into his hands. “But-but not like, in a creepy way! I swear!”
“How is there any other way?” Blaine asks.
“Look, I-I just need...” Finn looks around the relatively empty diner and leans in closer. “I just need some help. Like tips or something.”
Blaine stares at the tall boy opposite him. “Wait, I’m sorry,” he says holding up a hand, “You want me to give you tips on kinky sex?” and when Finn starts to nod he waves his hand a little to stop him, “I’m not finished-you want me to give you tips on kinky gay sex I have with your step brother so you can go and have said kinky sex with Rachel?”
“It sounds so weird when you put it like that,” Finn mumbles.
“That’s because it is weird, Finn!” Blaine exclaims.
Finn lets out a frustrated huff. “No, dude, I’m not asking for the gay part of the-I don’t-I just need you to give me tips on how to be more...kinky.”
“Finn, don’t you have your straight friends for this?” Blaine asks weakly, “I mean I’m not exactly the best person to come to for sex advice on how to make girls happy.”
“I trust you Blaine,” Finn says earnestly. “You won’t make fun of me or get really gross about it all and I know how good you are at sex-”
“Wait hold on!” Blaine stops, not quite believing where this conversation is heading, “How can you possibly know that I’m good at sex?”
“Well, Kurt teases me about it sometimes.” Finn says with a shrug.
“What?” Blaine asks, eyes blown wide.
“Yeah, he keeps saying something like how he pities me for not having as dedicated a lover as you or something,” Finn says with a dismissive wave of his hand. Blaine sinks back against his chair, shaking his head as Finn continues, “And sometimes, I can hear you guys-”
“Okay we really need to get a separate apartment.” Blaine says, shaking his head even more vigorously, “As soon as we can. We are moving out.”
“No, don’t be like that! Come on! You’ve heard me and Rachel-it’s totally cool. It happens sometimes.” Finn says in what he probably thinks is a reassuring manner. It really isn’t.
“I don’t think I’m going to be much help here, Finn.” Blaine says.
“I know you will be!” Finn protests.
“Isn’t the time for sexual experimentation and development or whatever like this supposed to be in high school or something? I mean, I know I had my little phase with Rachel and Kurt and I mostly started with the ki-” he breaks off, catching himself. “What I mean is-you and Rachel have been together on and off for a long time. Aren’t you supposed to be comfortable enough with each other to discuss these sorts of intimate things?”
Finn squints at him. “Wow...you make it all sound so...deep.”
“You sound like a hipster Finn.”
“A what?”
“Nothing,” Blaine laughs, shaking his head.
“Look, are you gonna help me out or not?”
“I don’t like the sound of this Finn. And I told you, I’m not the right person to ask.”
Finn looks heartbroken. He leans forward, pressing his palms flat against the greasy table top. “Blaine, please.”
Blaine hates the fact that Finn is pulling out his puppy dog eyes and they should look ridiculous but Finn pulls them off. Much like Blaine does when the need arises. Sighing heavily, Blaine reaches for his burger again, desperate for something to do with his hands.
“Okay. But I swear-if you cross any lines, I’m out.”
Finn bounces in his seat. “Deal!” he reaches out for a high five and Blaine humours him. “Okay,” Finn says, settling back in his seat and attacking his French in earnest now.
“What’s the problem?” Blaine starts.
“Okay,” Finn repeats, stuffing some fries in his mouth. “So you know how Rachel and I were supposed to be watching some Broadway movie adaptation the night you and Kurt went out last week?” Blaine nods. “We weren’t.”
Again, Blaine nods, “Is this going anywhere?” he asks because he really just wants to be done with this.
“I’m getting there!” Finn says, taking a swing of his drink and shoving even more fries into his mouth. “So...she said we were going to watch this movie but instead, she comes home all horny and starts attacking me. I didn’t really mind because it felt awesome but then...she started asking me to talk to her.”
Blaine raises an eyebrow but doesn’t comment.
“And I mean, I thought she meant talk like talk so I started telling her about how Tyler from work almost choked to death on his bagel that morning-”
Blaine’s surprised he doesn’t choke to death because he literally snorts so hard on his beer that everyone in the diner turns to look at him. “Sorry,” he gasps, wiping tears from his eyes and trying to hold back his fit of laughter. “I just...oh Finn.”
“Shut up,” Finn mutters.
“Sorry, continue.” Blaine says, mopping at the spilt drink with cheap paper napkins.
“Okay, so then she stopped me and said ‘no, Finn. Talk dirty to me’ and I just kind of...blanked. I didn’t know what to say and she was being all sexy and seductive and I was just sitting there and-” he shakes his head as if the memory is too painful to think about.
“What did you say?” Blaine prompts gently even though he really wants to hear this.
“I said grilled cheesus.” Finn blurts out.
Blaine maintains a neutral expression for all of two seconds before he bursts out laughing. This time, the fits don’t subside and they’re forced to leave the diner because they’re drawing equal parts frustrated and incredibly curious stares. Finn grumbles low in his throat and keeps his hands shoved in his pockets as they start on their walk home.
“I’m-I’m sorry, Finn...” Blaine says over a choked laugh. “But I couldn’t not...grilled cheesus? Where the hell did that come from?”
Finn opens his mouth to presumably answer his question but Blaine is too far gone to hold on to any semblance of control. He snorts some more, “I mean...your girlfriend asks you to talk dirty to her and first-first you tell her about a guy almost dying because of a bagel and then and then...” he trails off, bending over because his laughs are rocking his whole body.
Finn doesn’t say anything and glares at Blaine as Blaine slumps onto a brick wall and lets the fits pass. Finally, he calms down, gasping for air.
“Are you done?” Finn asks coldly.
“Y-yeah. Sorry,” Blaine apologizes.
“I thought you promised not to laugh.” Finn points out.
“I didn’t promise anything, you just assumed that,” Blaine reminds him but he feels bad so he apologizes again, more earnestly this time, “I’m sorry. But you have to admit, Finn. It’s a pretty funny story.”
“Yeah. Whatever.” Finn says as they start walking again. “So anyway, I said that and she lost the sexy vibe and started freaking me out by talking about religion and our future children and I had to kiss her to shut her up.”
“Did it work?”
“Did what work?” Finn asks, frowning.
“Did kissing her shut her up?”
“Oh, that. No.” Finn replies, shaking his head. “But we ended up cuddling. It was...okay.”
“Doesn’t sound like the worst night ever,” Blaine offers. “Except for...you know...grilled cheeses.”
“Don’t you dare-” Finn warns because Blaine’s face is scrunching up in an effort to hold back another fit of laughter.
He fails.
“I hate you.” Finn grumbles as Blaine doubles over again.
+
Finn doesn’t speak to Blaine when they get back to the apartment. He just heads straight for his bedroom and slams his door shut. Rachel, who is practicing lines on the sofa, looks up curiously.
“Is everything okay?” she asks.
Blaine’s still lightheaded from laughing so hard and his stomach is in stitches. “Fine,” he gasps. “Kurt home?”
“He’s in the shower.”
“Thanks.” Blaine says and heads for his own bedroom. He’s glad to find that his laughter has died down a little and he collapses onto the bed, trying to even out his breathing. The humor is fast draining from the situation as he starts to really feel the nausea sink in from laughing straight for the past-how long has he been laughing? He throws an arm over her eyes, shielding them from the bright light of the lamps and groans.
“What’s wrong with you?” Kurt’s voice asks and Blaine props himself up on his elbows in time to see Kurt close the bedroom door behind him. He’s carrying a small bag which Blaine knows consists of his moisturizing creams and bath gel (he absolutely refuses to keep his products with everyone else’s) and is already dressed for bed in sweats (a rarity) and a faded white t-shirt which peeks out from behind his robe.
“Nothing,” Blaine replies automatically, kicking off his shoes and scooting back onto the pillows.
Kurt frowns suspiciously at him, “Your face is red,” he states.
“Is it?” but Blaine doesn’t add anything. He’s just realizing the horrible fact that he completely smacked Finn in the face when the poor guy had trusted him to not laugh and help him out. He’s starting to feel sickeningly guilty. “Hey, Kurt?” Blaine asks as Kurt starts tapping a text message into his phone.
“Mmm?” Kurt hums in an invitation to continue.
“I think I may have screwed up things with Finn again.” Blaine hears rather than sees Kurt’s sigh but he waits patiently for his reaction.
“What is it this time?” Kurt asks and to his credit, he sounds more comforting than frustrated.
Blaine sits up and crosses his legs. “Finn asked me for help and I kind of...laughed at him.”
Kurt shakes his head, “Honey, you’re going to have to be a bit more specific.”
“See, I can’t be,” Blaine says helplessly. “It’s not fair to him. I can’t tell you what he asked my help for or what he told me that made me laugh-it’ll be a violation of our bro code.”
Kurt looks at him funnily, “The more time you spend with Finn, the more you starts sounding like him.”
“Please, Kurt...” Blaine whines, not sure what he’s pleading for.
Kurt sighs again, turning back to his phone and he doesn’t look up from his screen when he says, “I’m sure you’ll figure it out. You always do.”
Blaine takes the words as reassurance and sinks back into the pillows. He’s definitely going to make up for this even if it means having to go to excruciatingly embarrassing lengths.
He leans over suddenly, wraps an arm around Kurt’s waist and tugs. Kurt lets out a surprised oomph! as he slides down against the headboard onto the pillows. “Blaine! A heads up would be nice!”
“Sure,” Blaine mumbles as he pulls himself closer to his boyfriend.
“If this is another one of your attempts to substitute Finn’s cuddling-” he starts in warning but Blaine cuts him off.
“It isn’t,” he says softly, kissing Kurt once hard on the cheek, “It’s me cuddling you,” he nuzzles his neck quickly before he slumps over on Kurt’s stomach and falls asleep still fully clothed; the freshly showered scent of the boy next to him familiar and comforting.
+
As it turns out, Blaine doesn’t get a proper chance to speak to Finn for the next two days. The most he sees of him is in brief glances and their schedules are really too packed for Blaine to think too much on his plan to help Finn. But finally Saturday rolls around and Blaine refuses an offer to go out for drinks with a few guys from class in favour of staying home and trying to get Finn to talk to him.
“Where’s Rachel?” Blaine asks, tentatively approaching Finn who is sprawled on the couch, attempting to read a novel upside down.
“Out,” Finn says flatly.
“Are you um, actually reading that?”
“Yes,” Finn says without looking at him, eyes focused on the book in front of him.
Blaine fidgets a little before sighing and saying, “Look Finn, I’ve been meaning to talk to you...”
“I’d prefer if you didn’t,” Finn says icily, “You know...you might end up in fits again,”
“Finn I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have laughed,” Blaine apologizes and when Finn doesn’t respond, he continues a little desperately, “I want to help-I do. I don’t care if it’s weird. We’re frien-bros. We’re bros.”
Finn’s eyes widen and glaze over and Blaine knows he’s hit the right buttons. Bro-hood is sacred to Finn.
“You promise not to make fun of me?” Finn asks, sitting up slowly.
“I promise,” Blaine nods solemnly.
Finn grins, chucking his book aside and reaching out to fist bump Blaine. “Awesome!”
“So...” Blaine starts, sitting down on the couch cross legged and facing a now expectant looking Finn, “Dirty talk. It’s not really that hard. It’s more of a in the moment type of thing. You just sort of need to say out loud the things you want to do to your partner or what you want your partner to do to you and keep telling them how much they turn you on and how they turn you on...get it?”
Finn blinks at him blankly.
“Tell you what,” Blaine says sitting up straighter, “try me,”
“Uh...”
“Talk dirty to me,” Blaine clarifies.
“Dude, you’re joking right?” Finn asks, his eyes wide.
“No!” Blaine says very seriously, shaking his head. “You wanted tips-well; I’m giving you an opportunity to practice,”
“You’re crazy,” Finn states, swinging his legs off the couch and heading for the kitchen.
Blaine follows him, “Come on, why not?” he asks as Finn starts tearing open bag of crisps, “next time Rachel springs a request like that on you, you’ll know what to do!”
Finn pauses, chewing thoughtfully and Blaine grins as he says, “I’ll start, okay?” He clears his throat, trying to hit a higher, more Rachel-sounding pitch, “Finn you make me so hot...” he growls, biting his lip a little for added effect, “I just want your lips on me so badly right now...”
Finn’s eyes widen and he backs away a little as if scared of him. Blaine simply springs back into his old self, grinning widely and jumping a little as he motions to Finn. “Come on, your turn.”
“I really don’t think-”
“Come on Finn!” Blaine pushes, “You were the one who wanted help in the first place and if you can’t talk dirty to me how are you going to talk dirty to Rachel? Now shut up and tell me how much you want to caress my butt!”
Finn swallows, looking nervous. “Alright-turn around,” he says. Blaine raises his eyebrows and Finn blushes, “I just don’t want you staring at me when I say this okay?”
“Fair enough,” Blaine agrees and turns around, crossing his arms over his chest as he waits for Finn to speak.
“I want-I want to...” Finn starts in a shaky voice. “I want to feel your soft skin under my fingers?” it ends more like a question.
“Okay not bad,” Blaine says gently, “but make it dirty Finn, tell me what you want to do to me...”
Finn takes a deep breath from behind him and Blaine is willing to bet anything he’s probably standing there rolling his shoulders as he works up the courage to say the next few words. “Alright-okay...I want to-to lick the sweat off your body,” Finn stammers.
“Good!” Blaine says encouragingly, “That’s great! Keep going...”
“I want to use my tongue and run it all over you...” his voice gets slightly more confident, “I want to taste you everywhere,”
“There we go!” Blaine says happily, “You’re getting the hang of it. Keep it up...tell me more.”
“I want to take your dick in my-”
“WHOA! WHOA!” Blaine shouts, spinning around, his eyes wide, “what the hell dude?!”
Finn looks terrified, “You said-you said to tell you what I wanted to do to you!”
“You were supposed to pretend I was Rachel!” Blaine hisses.
“How was I supposed to know that?!” Finn asks helplessly, “You told me to talk dirty to you and so I-”
“Wait wait wait,” Blaine says, cutting him off. “Are you telling me that this whole time, you were imagining doing all...all that to me?” he asks, eyes widening further. Finn looks pointedly over Blaine’s head and Blaine lets out a shaky laugh, “Oh my god, Finn!”
“Next time be more specific,” Finn mumbles.
“I didn’t think this needed specifying!” Blaine says but he’s grinning now to let Finn know its okay. “We’ll go again but this time- try and pretend I’m Rachel. It’s not going to help the mood if you start dirty talking to Rachel about my dick,” he snickers.
“Shut up,” Finn mumbles as Blaine turns back around.
+
Kurt’s opens the front door when he comes back to the apartment that night to find Finn and Blaine standing in the middle of the lounge, Finn shouting “I WANT TO HEAR YOU MOAN AS I FUCK YOU SENSELESS!” to Blaine’s back and Blaine hopping around like an excited puppy, responding with an enthusiastic “That’s it! That’s it! Come on, more!’”
Kurt stays transfixed on the spot, staring but not quite believing the sight before his eyes. He doesn’t know whether he’s more horrified or amused by the situation-probably a bit of both. He’s also honestly not that surprised because well, his boyfriend and step brother have a history of being innocently inappropriate together.
It’s only when the door swings shut behind him and the sound resonates off the walls that Finn and Blaine fall silent. Slowly, in complete unison, they turn to face Kurt wearing identical looks of shock. Kurt has to fight really hard to hold back his laughter at the look on their faces.
“Oh I’m sorry,” Kurt says with a mock apologetic tone, “please don’t stop on my account,”
Blaine laughs nervously, “Hey babe...” he takes a step forward. “Funny story...Finn and I were just-”
“It’s okay, really,” Kurt says, grinning a little as he makes his way to the fridge and gets himself a cold bottle of water. “I probably don’t want to know anyway.”
“Man, it’s not what it looks like,” Finn says, his face flushed red.
“So I take it you don’t want to hear Blaine moaning as you fuck him senseless?” Kurt asks, still grinning as he leans against the fridge and takes a sip of water. He loves teasing Finn like this-watching him freak out over the thought of what Kurt is going to do.
Finn glares at Blaine, mouthing this is your fault and Blaine shrugs as if to say, hey, I didn’t know he’d come home early...
Kurt watches the silent interaction with amusement before he screws the bottle cap back on and returns it to the fridge. “So I’m gonna go,” he starts, making his way towards the bedroom. “And once you’re done encouraging Finn’s completely innocent, perfectly explainable verbal sexual advances-Blaine, maybe you’ll join me?”
Blaine nods meekly as Kurt brushes past the two. He’s barely crossed into the hallway when he hears Finn’s voice;
“I told you this was a bad idea!”
“Excuse me?” Blaine shoots back, “It was your idea in the first place. Need I remind you that you were the one who wanted help with dirty talk?”
+
Kurt isn’t even really listening to Blaine’s explanation. He figures he doesn’t really need to know the details to figure out what the little exchange he’d walked in on had been about but just like with Finn, Kurt gets a certain enjoyment out of teasing Blaine. Blaine is adorable when he’s nervous; all fidgety and flustered and contradicting words and ill prepared on the spot speeches and Kurt loves it. Loves it enough to lean forward and cut him off mid sentence with a soft kiss.
Blaine’s lips stay puckered when Kurt pulls back and he looks a little like a fish out of water. A very confused fish at that.
“You are adorable,” Kurt comments, smiling warmly at the boy kneeling on the mattress beside him.
“You really don’t care do you?” Blaine asks.
“About what?”
“About why Finn and I were...doing what we were doing?”
Kurt grins, “Not really, no.” He admits, laughing at the look on Blaine’s face, “I mean, don’t get me wrong I was definitely interested but...I probably figured it would be something like this.”
Blaine nods slowly, “Okay, good. That’s good.”
“Isn’t it?” Kurt asks as Blaine leans over him to kiss him and yes, this is exactly what Kurt wants to be doing right now. He cups Blaine’s face as his boyfriend crawls on top of him, shifting their bodies so they fit comfortably together.
“But-” Blaine says suddenly, pulling away, leaving Kurt with his tongue poking out from between his lips in what would have otherwise been a moan inducing move. Feeling ridiculous, he licks his lips quickly before sagging back against the pillows.
“Are you seriously still thinking about Finn?” he asks with narrowed eyes.
“Yes-well, no. Maybe?”
“Blaine!”
“Sorry! It’s just-you’re so calm about everything from our burger dates and our naps and now this and it’s a little freaky how you’re not even a little bit mad or annoyed or-”
“Blaine.” Kurt says firmly and Blaine shuts up immediately. “There’s really nothing for me to be angry about here. You two are just weirdly inappropriate friends.” Kurt says simply. “You don’t want to know about the number of times I was asked awkward questions about how to give the perfect blowjob from the glee girls back in high school.” He closes his eyes and shakes his head at the memories.
“Did you answer them?” Blaine asks interestedly.
“Of course not! But I’m not surprised you agreed to answer Finn’s questions considering how you were so willing to jump at the opportunity to talk sex with me before we were even dating.”
Blaine blushes, “I was trying to help you.”
“Via porn.” Kurt states.
“Shut up.” Blaine mumbles and Kurt grins.
“You are adorable,” Kurt repeats, kissing the tip of Blaine’s nose. “Just promise me your sympathy for my idiot of a stepbrother won’t extend as far as actually having sex with him to show him the ropes.”
“Kurt!” Blaine protests, jerking back and his face going slightly red, “What the hell? You know I’d never-” but he breaks off, his eyebrows pulling together when Kurt starts laughing beneath him.
“Again-” Kurt says as he cups the back of Blaine’s head and pulls him down so their noses brush, “Adorable.”
Blaine, despite himself, grins into the kiss.
rating; light r
word count; 4,239
pairing/characters; finn+blaine, kurt/blaine, discussed finn/rachel
disclaimer; i do not own glee. at all. nope.
warnings; dirty talk?
summary; finn needs help with being more kinky. blaine is too nice to refuse and kurt continues to be amused by their innocently inappropriate friendship.
a/n; I've had this on my computer for a while and I was going to add the ton of extra stuff I had in mind for this but it would have got wayyy too long and I'm already short on time to catch up with homework but I wanted to leave something here for the countless, countless people who requested more from this verse. :) Once again-set in my weirdly comedic ny!verse after burger ninjas and if i lay here. Inspired by yet another friends scene. I really hope you guys enjoy this-the ending may be rushed but it was as ever, tons of fun to write :)
“So...” Finn starts in what Blaine instantly recognizes to be a forced casual tone. It rings a lot of warning bells in his head-Finn usually never makes such an effort to appear nonchalant unless he’s about to ask something incredibly uncomfortable and since Finn wasn’t this nervous even when blatantly asking Blaine to cuddle and nap with him, Blaine’s guessing this is something pretty serious even for Finn.
“So...” he repeats, putting his half eaten burger back in the tray of French fries and fixing Finn with a curious stare.
“What do you and Kurt do in bed?” Finn asks, avoiding Blaine’s gaze and swirling a fry repeatedly in a glob of ketchup.
Blaine blinks. His reflex question a year ago would have been What? Or Excuse me? But by now, he’s so used to Finn’s incredibly awkward, often very inappropriate questions, he simply takes a sip of his beer and says as calmly as he can; “We sleep, Finn. That’s what beds are for.”
“No-I didn’t mean...” Finn looks at him and Blaine almost laughs because Finn actually looks like he feels the need to clarify his question. Blaine tries to stop him before he actually does.
“No, I know what you-”
“-I meant sex stuff.” They both speak at the same time and their sentences end in an embarrassing silence.
“Finn,” Blaine starts calmly, “I’m going to pretend you didn’t ask that question and we’re going to continue with our burgers, go home to our partners and never talk about this again.” Blaine’s honestly losing count of how many things are being catalogued into the ‘we are never mentioning this again’ part of his brain.
“I know it’s weird-” Finn starts
“-beyond weird, Finn and also very inappropriate,” Blaine says as gently as he can. He feels like he’s telling off a kid for watching kinky porn.
Finn hesitates and continues to drown his fry in ketchup without really paying any attention to it. After a moment he speaks up again. “Blaine, we’re bros right?”
“Yes...” Blaine agrees tentatively.
“Well then, bros help each other out.” Finn says, abandoning the fry and looking at Blaine with a determined expression and oh crap...Blaine knows this conversation isn’t going to end well.
“Finn-”
“No, listen,” Finn cuts him off, “I know this is weird for you and I don’t want you to think I want to know about all the kinky stuff you and Kurt do in bed because I don’t.”
Blaine sighs in relief. Well, that’s reassuring.
“Actually, no. I do want to know the kinky stuff you two do in bed,” Finn corrects quickly and Blaine groans, head falling forward into his hands. “But-but not like, in a creepy way! I swear!”
“How is there any other way?” Blaine asks.
“Look, I-I just need...” Finn looks around the relatively empty diner and leans in closer. “I just need some help. Like tips or something.”
Blaine stares at the tall boy opposite him. “Wait, I’m sorry,” he says holding up a hand, “You want me to give you tips on kinky sex?” and when Finn starts to nod he waves his hand a little to stop him, “I’m not finished-you want me to give you tips on kinky gay sex I have with your step brother so you can go and have said kinky sex with Rachel?”
“It sounds so weird when you put it like that,” Finn mumbles.
“That’s because it is weird, Finn!” Blaine exclaims.
Finn lets out a frustrated huff. “No, dude, I’m not asking for the gay part of the-I don’t-I just need you to give me tips on how to be more...kinky.”
“Finn, don’t you have your straight friends for this?” Blaine asks weakly, “I mean I’m not exactly the best person to come to for sex advice on how to make girls happy.”
“I trust you Blaine,” Finn says earnestly. “You won’t make fun of me or get really gross about it all and I know how good you are at sex-”
“Wait hold on!” Blaine stops, not quite believing where this conversation is heading, “How can you possibly know that I’m good at sex?”
“Well, Kurt teases me about it sometimes.” Finn says with a shrug.
“What?” Blaine asks, eyes blown wide.
“Yeah, he keeps saying something like how he pities me for not having as dedicated a lover as you or something,” Finn says with a dismissive wave of his hand. Blaine sinks back against his chair, shaking his head as Finn continues, “And sometimes, I can hear you guys-”
“Okay we really need to get a separate apartment.” Blaine says, shaking his head even more vigorously, “As soon as we can. We are moving out.”
“No, don’t be like that! Come on! You’ve heard me and Rachel-it’s totally cool. It happens sometimes.” Finn says in what he probably thinks is a reassuring manner. It really isn’t.
“I don’t think I’m going to be much help here, Finn.” Blaine says.
“I know you will be!” Finn protests.
“Isn’t the time for sexual experimentation and development or whatever like this supposed to be in high school or something? I mean, I know I had my little phase with Rachel and Kurt and I mostly started with the ki-” he breaks off, catching himself. “What I mean is-you and Rachel have been together on and off for a long time. Aren’t you supposed to be comfortable enough with each other to discuss these sorts of intimate things?”
Finn squints at him. “Wow...you make it all sound so...deep.”
“You sound like a hipster Finn.”
“A what?”
“Nothing,” Blaine laughs, shaking his head.
“Look, are you gonna help me out or not?”
“I don’t like the sound of this Finn. And I told you, I’m not the right person to ask.”
Finn looks heartbroken. He leans forward, pressing his palms flat against the greasy table top. “Blaine, please.”
Blaine hates the fact that Finn is pulling out his puppy dog eyes and they should look ridiculous but Finn pulls them off. Much like Blaine does when the need arises. Sighing heavily, Blaine reaches for his burger again, desperate for something to do with his hands.
“Okay. But I swear-if you cross any lines, I’m out.”
Finn bounces in his seat. “Deal!” he reaches out for a high five and Blaine humours him. “Okay,” Finn says, settling back in his seat and attacking his French in earnest now.
“What’s the problem?” Blaine starts.
“Okay,” Finn repeats, stuffing some fries in his mouth. “So you know how Rachel and I were supposed to be watching some Broadway movie adaptation the night you and Kurt went out last week?” Blaine nods. “We weren’t.”
Again, Blaine nods, “Is this going anywhere?” he asks because he really just wants to be done with this.
“I’m getting there!” Finn says, taking a swing of his drink and shoving even more fries into his mouth. “So...she said we were going to watch this movie but instead, she comes home all horny and starts attacking me. I didn’t really mind because it felt awesome but then...she started asking me to talk to her.”
Blaine raises an eyebrow but doesn’t comment.
“And I mean, I thought she meant talk like talk so I started telling her about how Tyler from work almost choked to death on his bagel that morning-”
Blaine’s surprised he doesn’t choke to death because he literally snorts so hard on his beer that everyone in the diner turns to look at him. “Sorry,” he gasps, wiping tears from his eyes and trying to hold back his fit of laughter. “I just...oh Finn.”
“Shut up,” Finn mutters.
“Sorry, continue.” Blaine says, mopping at the spilt drink with cheap paper napkins.
“Okay, so then she stopped me and said ‘no, Finn. Talk dirty to me’ and I just kind of...blanked. I didn’t know what to say and she was being all sexy and seductive and I was just sitting there and-” he shakes his head as if the memory is too painful to think about.
“What did you say?” Blaine prompts gently even though he really wants to hear this.
“I said grilled cheesus.” Finn blurts out.
Blaine maintains a neutral expression for all of two seconds before he bursts out laughing. This time, the fits don’t subside and they’re forced to leave the diner because they’re drawing equal parts frustrated and incredibly curious stares. Finn grumbles low in his throat and keeps his hands shoved in his pockets as they start on their walk home.
“I’m-I’m sorry, Finn...” Blaine says over a choked laugh. “But I couldn’t not...grilled cheesus? Where the hell did that come from?”
Finn opens his mouth to presumably answer his question but Blaine is too far gone to hold on to any semblance of control. He snorts some more, “I mean...your girlfriend asks you to talk dirty to her and first-first you tell her about a guy almost dying because of a bagel and then and then...” he trails off, bending over because his laughs are rocking his whole body.
Finn doesn’t say anything and glares at Blaine as Blaine slumps onto a brick wall and lets the fits pass. Finally, he calms down, gasping for air.
“Are you done?” Finn asks coldly.
“Y-yeah. Sorry,” Blaine apologizes.
“I thought you promised not to laugh.” Finn points out.
“I didn’t promise anything, you just assumed that,” Blaine reminds him but he feels bad so he apologizes again, more earnestly this time, “I’m sorry. But you have to admit, Finn. It’s a pretty funny story.”
“Yeah. Whatever.” Finn says as they start walking again. “So anyway, I said that and she lost the sexy vibe and started freaking me out by talking about religion and our future children and I had to kiss her to shut her up.”
“Did it work?”
“Did what work?” Finn asks, frowning.
“Did kissing her shut her up?”
“Oh, that. No.” Finn replies, shaking his head. “But we ended up cuddling. It was...okay.”
“Doesn’t sound like the worst night ever,” Blaine offers. “Except for...you know...grilled cheeses.”
“Don’t you dare-” Finn warns because Blaine’s face is scrunching up in an effort to hold back another fit of laughter.
He fails.
“I hate you.” Finn grumbles as Blaine doubles over again.
+
Finn doesn’t speak to Blaine when they get back to the apartment. He just heads straight for his bedroom and slams his door shut. Rachel, who is practicing lines on the sofa, looks up curiously.
“Is everything okay?” she asks.
Blaine’s still lightheaded from laughing so hard and his stomach is in stitches. “Fine,” he gasps. “Kurt home?”
“He’s in the shower.”
“Thanks.” Blaine says and heads for his own bedroom. He’s glad to find that his laughter has died down a little and he collapses onto the bed, trying to even out his breathing. The humor is fast draining from the situation as he starts to really feel the nausea sink in from laughing straight for the past-how long has he been laughing? He throws an arm over her eyes, shielding them from the bright light of the lamps and groans.
“What’s wrong with you?” Kurt’s voice asks and Blaine props himself up on his elbows in time to see Kurt close the bedroom door behind him. He’s carrying a small bag which Blaine knows consists of his moisturizing creams and bath gel (he absolutely refuses to keep his products with everyone else’s) and is already dressed for bed in sweats (a rarity) and a faded white t-shirt which peeks out from behind his robe.
“Nothing,” Blaine replies automatically, kicking off his shoes and scooting back onto the pillows.
Kurt frowns suspiciously at him, “Your face is red,” he states.
“Is it?” but Blaine doesn’t add anything. He’s just realizing the horrible fact that he completely smacked Finn in the face when the poor guy had trusted him to not laugh and help him out. He’s starting to feel sickeningly guilty. “Hey, Kurt?” Blaine asks as Kurt starts tapping a text message into his phone.
“Mmm?” Kurt hums in an invitation to continue.
“I think I may have screwed up things with Finn again.” Blaine hears rather than sees Kurt’s sigh but he waits patiently for his reaction.
“What is it this time?” Kurt asks and to his credit, he sounds more comforting than frustrated.
Blaine sits up and crosses his legs. “Finn asked me for help and I kind of...laughed at him.”
Kurt shakes his head, “Honey, you’re going to have to be a bit more specific.”
“See, I can’t be,” Blaine says helplessly. “It’s not fair to him. I can’t tell you what he asked my help for or what he told me that made me laugh-it’ll be a violation of our bro code.”
Kurt looks at him funnily, “The more time you spend with Finn, the more you starts sounding like him.”
“Please, Kurt...” Blaine whines, not sure what he’s pleading for.
Kurt sighs again, turning back to his phone and he doesn’t look up from his screen when he says, “I’m sure you’ll figure it out. You always do.”
Blaine takes the words as reassurance and sinks back into the pillows. He’s definitely going to make up for this even if it means having to go to excruciatingly embarrassing lengths.
He leans over suddenly, wraps an arm around Kurt’s waist and tugs. Kurt lets out a surprised oomph! as he slides down against the headboard onto the pillows. “Blaine! A heads up would be nice!”
“Sure,” Blaine mumbles as he pulls himself closer to his boyfriend.
“If this is another one of your attempts to substitute Finn’s cuddling-” he starts in warning but Blaine cuts him off.
“It isn’t,” he says softly, kissing Kurt once hard on the cheek, “It’s me cuddling you,” he nuzzles his neck quickly before he slumps over on Kurt’s stomach and falls asleep still fully clothed; the freshly showered scent of the boy next to him familiar and comforting.
+
As it turns out, Blaine doesn’t get a proper chance to speak to Finn for the next two days. The most he sees of him is in brief glances and their schedules are really too packed for Blaine to think too much on his plan to help Finn. But finally Saturday rolls around and Blaine refuses an offer to go out for drinks with a few guys from class in favour of staying home and trying to get Finn to talk to him.
“Where’s Rachel?” Blaine asks, tentatively approaching Finn who is sprawled on the couch, attempting to read a novel upside down.
“Out,” Finn says flatly.
“Are you um, actually reading that?”
“Yes,” Finn says without looking at him, eyes focused on the book in front of him.
Blaine fidgets a little before sighing and saying, “Look Finn, I’ve been meaning to talk to you...”
“I’d prefer if you didn’t,” Finn says icily, “You know...you might end up in fits again,”
“Finn I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have laughed,” Blaine apologizes and when Finn doesn’t respond, he continues a little desperately, “I want to help-I do. I don’t care if it’s weird. We’re frien-bros. We’re bros.”
Finn’s eyes widen and glaze over and Blaine knows he’s hit the right buttons. Bro-hood is sacred to Finn.
“You promise not to make fun of me?” Finn asks, sitting up slowly.
“I promise,” Blaine nods solemnly.
Finn grins, chucking his book aside and reaching out to fist bump Blaine. “Awesome!”
“So...” Blaine starts, sitting down on the couch cross legged and facing a now expectant looking Finn, “Dirty talk. It’s not really that hard. It’s more of a in the moment type of thing. You just sort of need to say out loud the things you want to do to your partner or what you want your partner to do to you and keep telling them how much they turn you on and how they turn you on...get it?”
Finn blinks at him blankly.
“Tell you what,” Blaine says sitting up straighter, “try me,”
“Uh...”
“Talk dirty to me,” Blaine clarifies.
“Dude, you’re joking right?” Finn asks, his eyes wide.
“No!” Blaine says very seriously, shaking his head. “You wanted tips-well; I’m giving you an opportunity to practice,”
“You’re crazy,” Finn states, swinging his legs off the couch and heading for the kitchen.
Blaine follows him, “Come on, why not?” he asks as Finn starts tearing open bag of crisps, “next time Rachel springs a request like that on you, you’ll know what to do!”
Finn pauses, chewing thoughtfully and Blaine grins as he says, “I’ll start, okay?” He clears his throat, trying to hit a higher, more Rachel-sounding pitch, “Finn you make me so hot...” he growls, biting his lip a little for added effect, “I just want your lips on me so badly right now...”
Finn’s eyes widen and he backs away a little as if scared of him. Blaine simply springs back into his old self, grinning widely and jumping a little as he motions to Finn. “Come on, your turn.”
“I really don’t think-”
“Come on Finn!” Blaine pushes, “You were the one who wanted help in the first place and if you can’t talk dirty to me how are you going to talk dirty to Rachel? Now shut up and tell me how much you want to caress my butt!”
Finn swallows, looking nervous. “Alright-turn around,” he says. Blaine raises his eyebrows and Finn blushes, “I just don’t want you staring at me when I say this okay?”
“Fair enough,” Blaine agrees and turns around, crossing his arms over his chest as he waits for Finn to speak.
“I want-I want to...” Finn starts in a shaky voice. “I want to feel your soft skin under my fingers?” it ends more like a question.
“Okay not bad,” Blaine says gently, “but make it dirty Finn, tell me what you want to do to me...”
Finn takes a deep breath from behind him and Blaine is willing to bet anything he’s probably standing there rolling his shoulders as he works up the courage to say the next few words. “Alright-okay...I want to-to lick the sweat off your body,” Finn stammers.
“Good!” Blaine says encouragingly, “That’s great! Keep going...”
“I want to use my tongue and run it all over you...” his voice gets slightly more confident, “I want to taste you everywhere,”
“There we go!” Blaine says happily, “You’re getting the hang of it. Keep it up...tell me more.”
“I want to take your dick in my-”
“WHOA! WHOA!” Blaine shouts, spinning around, his eyes wide, “what the hell dude?!”
Finn looks terrified, “You said-you said to tell you what I wanted to do to you!”
“You were supposed to pretend I was Rachel!” Blaine hisses.
“How was I supposed to know that?!” Finn asks helplessly, “You told me to talk dirty to you and so I-”
“Wait wait wait,” Blaine says, cutting him off. “Are you telling me that this whole time, you were imagining doing all...all that to me?” he asks, eyes widening further. Finn looks pointedly over Blaine’s head and Blaine lets out a shaky laugh, “Oh my god, Finn!”
“Next time be more specific,” Finn mumbles.
“I didn’t think this needed specifying!” Blaine says but he’s grinning now to let Finn know its okay. “We’ll go again but this time- try and pretend I’m Rachel. It’s not going to help the mood if you start dirty talking to Rachel about my dick,” he snickers.
“Shut up,” Finn mumbles as Blaine turns back around.
+
Kurt’s opens the front door when he comes back to the apartment that night to find Finn and Blaine standing in the middle of the lounge, Finn shouting “I WANT TO HEAR YOU MOAN AS I FUCK YOU SENSELESS!” to Blaine’s back and Blaine hopping around like an excited puppy, responding with an enthusiastic “That’s it! That’s it! Come on, more!’”
Kurt stays transfixed on the spot, staring but not quite believing the sight before his eyes. He doesn’t know whether he’s more horrified or amused by the situation-probably a bit of both. He’s also honestly not that surprised because well, his boyfriend and step brother have a history of being innocently inappropriate together.
It’s only when the door swings shut behind him and the sound resonates off the walls that Finn and Blaine fall silent. Slowly, in complete unison, they turn to face Kurt wearing identical looks of shock. Kurt has to fight really hard to hold back his laughter at the look on their faces.
“Oh I’m sorry,” Kurt says with a mock apologetic tone, “please don’t stop on my account,”
Blaine laughs nervously, “Hey babe...” he takes a step forward. “Funny story...Finn and I were just-”
“It’s okay, really,” Kurt says, grinning a little as he makes his way to the fridge and gets himself a cold bottle of water. “I probably don’t want to know anyway.”
“Man, it’s not what it looks like,” Finn says, his face flushed red.
“So I take it you don’t want to hear Blaine moaning as you fuck him senseless?” Kurt asks, still grinning as he leans against the fridge and takes a sip of water. He loves teasing Finn like this-watching him freak out over the thought of what Kurt is going to do.
Finn glares at Blaine, mouthing this is your fault and Blaine shrugs as if to say, hey, I didn’t know he’d come home early...
Kurt watches the silent interaction with amusement before he screws the bottle cap back on and returns it to the fridge. “So I’m gonna go,” he starts, making his way towards the bedroom. “And once you’re done encouraging Finn’s completely innocent, perfectly explainable verbal sexual advances-Blaine, maybe you’ll join me?”
Blaine nods meekly as Kurt brushes past the two. He’s barely crossed into the hallway when he hears Finn’s voice;
“I told you this was a bad idea!”
“Excuse me?” Blaine shoots back, “It was your idea in the first place. Need I remind you that you were the one who wanted help with dirty talk?”
+
Kurt isn’t even really listening to Blaine’s explanation. He figures he doesn’t really need to know the details to figure out what the little exchange he’d walked in on had been about but just like with Finn, Kurt gets a certain enjoyment out of teasing Blaine. Blaine is adorable when he’s nervous; all fidgety and flustered and contradicting words and ill prepared on the spot speeches and Kurt loves it. Loves it enough to lean forward and cut him off mid sentence with a soft kiss.
Blaine’s lips stay puckered when Kurt pulls back and he looks a little like a fish out of water. A very confused fish at that.
“You are adorable,” Kurt comments, smiling warmly at the boy kneeling on the mattress beside him.
“You really don’t care do you?” Blaine asks.
“About what?”
“About why Finn and I were...doing what we were doing?”
Kurt grins, “Not really, no.” He admits, laughing at the look on Blaine’s face, “I mean, don’t get me wrong I was definitely interested but...I probably figured it would be something like this.”
Blaine nods slowly, “Okay, good. That’s good.”
“Isn’t it?” Kurt asks as Blaine leans over him to kiss him and yes, this is exactly what Kurt wants to be doing right now. He cups Blaine’s face as his boyfriend crawls on top of him, shifting their bodies so they fit comfortably together.
“But-” Blaine says suddenly, pulling away, leaving Kurt with his tongue poking out from between his lips in what would have otherwise been a moan inducing move. Feeling ridiculous, he licks his lips quickly before sagging back against the pillows.
“Are you seriously still thinking about Finn?” he asks with narrowed eyes.
“Yes-well, no. Maybe?”
“Blaine!”
“Sorry! It’s just-you’re so calm about everything from our burger dates and our naps and now this and it’s a little freaky how you’re not even a little bit mad or annoyed or-”
“Blaine.” Kurt says firmly and Blaine shuts up immediately. “There’s really nothing for me to be angry about here. You two are just weirdly inappropriate friends.” Kurt says simply. “You don’t want to know about the number of times I was asked awkward questions about how to give the perfect blowjob from the glee girls back in high school.” He closes his eyes and shakes his head at the memories.
“Did you answer them?” Blaine asks interestedly.
“Of course not! But I’m not surprised you agreed to answer Finn’s questions considering how you were so willing to jump at the opportunity to talk sex with me before we were even dating.”
Blaine blushes, “I was trying to help you.”
“Via porn.” Kurt states.
“Shut up.” Blaine mumbles and Kurt grins.
“You are adorable,” Kurt repeats, kissing the tip of Blaine’s nose. “Just promise me your sympathy for my idiot of a stepbrother won’t extend as far as actually having sex with him to show him the ropes.”
“Kurt!” Blaine protests, jerking back and his face going slightly red, “What the hell? You know I’d never-” but he breaks off, his eyebrows pulling together when Kurt starts laughing beneath him.
“Again-” Kurt says as he cups the back of Blaine’s head and pulls him down so their noses brush, “Adorable.”
Blaine, despite himself, grins into the kiss.