The Five Steps Part One: Denial
Title: The Five Steps Part One: Denial
Author:
finksgirl
Pairing: Mike/Billie
Rating: PG-13 maybe R
Disclaimer: This has not happened...I sure hope it hasn't. It'd make me cry.
Warning: Alcohol abuse.
Notes: This is part One of a Five Part series. One of if not the saddest thing I've ever written. My first chaptered fic so please read and comment!
Part 1: Denial
Infatuations: This is the stuff of 'falling in love,' living in a rosy magical glow, etc. My beloved has no faults and is perfect. We shall live happily ever after. This is denial, overlooking many things all too obvious to those around me. -Unknown
The rain kept pounding on his window. It’s been like that most of the week. The man sighed and took another swig of his coffee. The warm beverage settled nicely in his stomach along with the twelve pack of beer from last night. Each sound, usually insignificant, reverberated off the walls and magnified in his swollen head. Should have taken a chaser.
He rubbed his temples in a vain attempt to subdue the monster raging war inside his mind. He got up and walked into the bathroom and rummaged through the medicine cabinet for any type of aspirin. Fingers grazed the bottle when his insides lurched and he ran to the toilet in time to empty his stomach of its contents. This is why a person shouldn’t drink.
Sighing heavily, he wiped his lip with a towel. He felt so weak, understandable. Why did that bitch have to go leave anyway? It always happens to him. He can never be with someone too long. As soon as he thinks he might be in love, reality is thrown in his face once again. Life’s like a never-ending black hole of suck coupled with a few highlights here and there.
The house has never been quieter. Estelle is at her mother’s house. Brittney left. He feel empty inside. He is used to being alone. He’s spent most of his life alone. But the man would give anything to have someone here. Fuck. He kicked the bathroom counter hard and stubbed his toe. Doesn’t matter anyway.
He walked out of the bathroom after taking an aspirin and stepped into the living room and turned on the television. It’s shit. Nothing ever on anyway. He started to doze off and almost went to sleep when there was a knock at the door. He got up and dragged himself to the front door and answered it.
“Hey, Mike. I’ve been trying to call you and no one’s answering and… What happened to your hand?”
The man glanced down to his hand and saw all the dry blood and broken skin that started to flake off.
“Oh, I punched a wall at the bar last night.”
“Jesus, do you want me to put something on it?”
“No, I’m fine.”
“No, you aren’t. What the fuck happened?”
“Brittney. She broke up with me last night.”
“Oh, no. Did she say why?”
“She said she found someone new. The night we get back from touring too man.”
“Shit, I’m so sorry.”
His best friend looked at him with a look of sincere sympathy and wrapped him into a hug that he almost fell in to.
“She fucking left me, man. Why? Why do they always do that?”
“I don’t know, Mike. I know it hurts.”
“Fuck. First Adie, now this? What’s wrong with us?”
“I don’t know, Mike. If I did I’d tell ya.”
He kept holding him as the taller man started to shout about everything that’s wrong in their lives. The smaller guided him over to the sofa and they sat down as he cried into his chest.
“I’m all alone.”
“You aren’t, Mike. You know that. You always have me and Tre, always.”
“You’re right. I don’t need that bitch.”
“Right. And if you need sex then we’re always here to help.”
“Asshole.”
“There we go. I knew that’d cheer you up.”
They stayed like this for a while, Billie holding him and Mike laying on his chest. Billie probably thought he was asleep or something. Mike almost fell asleep to the smooth rhythm of his friend’s heart beat. He felt at peace for once since she left. Mike looked up to see Billie sleeping.
He never realized how cute the man was when he slept. Mike got off of him gently so as not to disturb him. His face hovered over Billie’s for a moment. Mike could feel his warm breath on his face. He felt himself subconsciously lean in and then Mike stepped away. What was he doing?
Mike shook the strange feeling off and walked into the kitchen to make himself another drink. He downed a shot of straight vodka faster then he ever had in his life. Anything that could take away that strange feeling that had consumed him.
He’d never felt anything like that in his entire life, at least, not to a guy. Come to think of it, he’s only felt that feeling around three people: Anastasia, Sarah and Brittney. Seeing as none of those relationships lasted and they were all relationships more then friendship, he did not want to have those feelings towards his best friend.
What’s going on? His whole fucking world is crashing down around him and it’s like all he can do is grab onto something and hold on for dear life.
Mike felt sick to his stomach again for the second time today as he poured himself another shot. Someone, something take away this feeling.
“Mike?”
It was him. Damn. Pull yourself together. You’re slipping, he thought.
“Yeah?”
“Are you sure you’re alright?”
“I’m f…fine, Bill.”
He downed the shot once he heard footsteps on the marble floors of his house. Mike knew he entered the kitchen then. It was as if some searing heat was radiating off of him and he couldn’t help but get sucked into the flame. His hand wrapped around Mike’s and placed the shot glass down on the bar.
“You don’t need that.”
“What do you know about what I need?”
“I know that you don’t need alcohol to take away your pain. You’re smarter than this, Mike.”
“Lately my life hasn’t shown it.”
He wrapped his arms around Mike again and this time the taller man tried to push away. Not that he wasn’t grateful for the gesture, hell, he needed that from him. It was that need that pushed him away. He felt that feeling come back tenfold.
“Mike, promise me you won’t drink yourself to death.”
Mike bent his head down, not wanting to meet Billie’s stern gaze. It didn’t help much. He could feel his jade eyes boring holes in his head. He lifted Mike up to look at him.
“Promise me.”
“Fine. I won’t use that as a method of escape.”
“Why are you acting like this?”
“Like what, Bill?”
“All fucking pissy.”
“I just lost my girlfriend, man. To some douche bag I’ve never even met.”
“And you don’t think I know the feeling? I was with Adie for thirteen years, man. Thirteen years and she threw it all away. So don’t say I don’t know.”
“Sorry.”
Mike looked back down at the bar, his hands gripping the counter tightly as he felt the depression mixed with guilt coarse through his veins. Mike didn’t mean to get mad at him. He never meant to get mad at him. Billie’s always been there, always there to catch him when he did something stupid and when he needed help. The man’s saved his life countless times and Mike’s never shown him any thanks for it.
“Thanks, Bill.”
“What?”
“Thank you.”
He tightened his grip around Mike’s waist and the taller man could practically feel Billie’s lips curve into a smile. Mike leant back into him and turned around hugging the smaller man back. It was silent for a minute as they let their worries and sadness disappear for those sixty seconds of silence they both needed so desperately.
His laugh broke it. Mike looked down at him and Billie smiled again. There’s that feeling again. That swooping feeling in the pit of Mike’s stomach. He stared into his green eyes and those eyes stared back with the same ferocity. What was it? What is it about him that makes Mike have this feeling?
He did the one thing he shouldn’t have. He withdrew.
“Where are you going?”
“To bed.”
“Mike?”
Mike stopped at the first step of the stairs and turned around to face the petite man.
“Yeah?”
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I…I don’t know, Bill.”
“If you need anything…”
“I’ll call. Night.”
“Yeah, see you tomorrow.”
Mike made it to the top of the stairs and stopped. He waited till he heard the door click and felt the man’s presence leave. For a small guy his presence in a place was electrifying. Mike was always able to know when he was in a room since the second he met him. His personality is so big, it makes him larger than life, it makes him that rock god the fans see on stage.
Mike smiled to himself at his own description of his best friend. It’s true. He really is larger than life. He walked into his bedroom and felt a chill flow up and down his spine. That feeling of loneliness came in once again. He didn’t want to be alone again. What he wouldn’t give to have that man here with him, curled in the covers, heat radiating off of him like it always does, warming up his broken heart.
Mike shook him out of his thoughts when that feeling returned. He closed his eyes and all he saw were those perfect, jade ones. He was practically swimming in them. He opened his eyes and turned on his side seeing him there. What is it like to wake up and see those eyes each day? His body in this bed.
Mike sat up in a start. He doesn’t have feelings like these for just anyone. He’s a guy, his best friend. He’s the guy Mike got stoned with for the first time, the reason he picked up a bass, the reason he wakes up in the morning. No. What is he thinking? He’s a guy. He shouldn’t be having these thoughts.
Mike laid back down and drifted off into a worry-ridden slumber. He doesn’t love him. He doesn’t love him.
________
thanks for reading it.
does anyone know how to put previous links in an LJ cut?
the information is greatly appreciated
-Ash
Author:
finksgirl
Pairing: Mike/Billie
Rating: PG-13 maybe R
Disclaimer: This has not happened...I sure hope it hasn't. It'd make me cry.
Warning: Alcohol abuse.
Notes: This is part One of a Five Part series. One of if not the saddest thing I've ever written. My first chaptered fic so please read and comment!
Part 1: Denial
Infatuations: This is the stuff of 'falling in love,' living in a rosy magical glow, etc. My beloved has no faults and is perfect. We shall live happily ever after. This is denial, overlooking many things all too obvious to those around me. -Unknown
The rain kept pounding on his window. It’s been like that most of the week. The man sighed and took another swig of his coffee. The warm beverage settled nicely in his stomach along with the twelve pack of beer from last night. Each sound, usually insignificant, reverberated off the walls and magnified in his swollen head. Should have taken a chaser.
He rubbed his temples in a vain attempt to subdue the monster raging war inside his mind. He got up and walked into the bathroom and rummaged through the medicine cabinet for any type of aspirin. Fingers grazed the bottle when his insides lurched and he ran to the toilet in time to empty his stomach of its contents. This is why a person shouldn’t drink.
Sighing heavily, he wiped his lip with a towel. He felt so weak, understandable. Why did that bitch have to go leave anyway? It always happens to him. He can never be with someone too long. As soon as he thinks he might be in love, reality is thrown in his face once again. Life’s like a never-ending black hole of suck coupled with a few highlights here and there.
The house has never been quieter. Estelle is at her mother’s house. Brittney left. He feel empty inside. He is used to being alone. He’s spent most of his life alone. But the man would give anything to have someone here. Fuck. He kicked the bathroom counter hard and stubbed his toe. Doesn’t matter anyway.
He walked out of the bathroom after taking an aspirin and stepped into the living room and turned on the television. It’s shit. Nothing ever on anyway. He started to doze off and almost went to sleep when there was a knock at the door. He got up and dragged himself to the front door and answered it.
“Hey, Mike. I’ve been trying to call you and no one’s answering and… What happened to your hand?”
The man glanced down to his hand and saw all the dry blood and broken skin that started to flake off.
“Oh, I punched a wall at the bar last night.”
“Jesus, do you want me to put something on it?”
“No, I’m fine.”
“No, you aren’t. What the fuck happened?”
“Brittney. She broke up with me last night.”
“Oh, no. Did she say why?”
“She said she found someone new. The night we get back from touring too man.”
“Shit, I’m so sorry.”
His best friend looked at him with a look of sincere sympathy and wrapped him into a hug that he almost fell in to.
“She fucking left me, man. Why? Why do they always do that?”
“I don’t know, Mike. I know it hurts.”
“Fuck. First Adie, now this? What’s wrong with us?”
“I don’t know, Mike. If I did I’d tell ya.”
He kept holding him as the taller man started to shout about everything that’s wrong in their lives. The smaller guided him over to the sofa and they sat down as he cried into his chest.
“I’m all alone.”
“You aren’t, Mike. You know that. You always have me and Tre, always.”
“You’re right. I don’t need that bitch.”
“Right. And if you need sex then we’re always here to help.”
“Asshole.”
“There we go. I knew that’d cheer you up.”
They stayed like this for a while, Billie holding him and Mike laying on his chest. Billie probably thought he was asleep or something. Mike almost fell asleep to the smooth rhythm of his friend’s heart beat. He felt at peace for once since she left. Mike looked up to see Billie sleeping.
He never realized how cute the man was when he slept. Mike got off of him gently so as not to disturb him. His face hovered over Billie’s for a moment. Mike could feel his warm breath on his face. He felt himself subconsciously lean in and then Mike stepped away. What was he doing?
Mike shook the strange feeling off and walked into the kitchen to make himself another drink. He downed a shot of straight vodka faster then he ever had in his life. Anything that could take away that strange feeling that had consumed him.
He’d never felt anything like that in his entire life, at least, not to a guy. Come to think of it, he’s only felt that feeling around three people: Anastasia, Sarah and Brittney. Seeing as none of those relationships lasted and they were all relationships more then friendship, he did not want to have those feelings towards his best friend.
What’s going on? His whole fucking world is crashing down around him and it’s like all he can do is grab onto something and hold on for dear life.
Mike felt sick to his stomach again for the second time today as he poured himself another shot. Someone, something take away this feeling.
“Mike?”
It was him. Damn. Pull yourself together. You’re slipping, he thought.
“Yeah?”
“Are you sure you’re alright?”
“I’m f…fine, Bill.”
He downed the shot once he heard footsteps on the marble floors of his house. Mike knew he entered the kitchen then. It was as if some searing heat was radiating off of him and he couldn’t help but get sucked into the flame. His hand wrapped around Mike’s and placed the shot glass down on the bar.
“You don’t need that.”
“What do you know about what I need?”
“I know that you don’t need alcohol to take away your pain. You’re smarter than this, Mike.”
“Lately my life hasn’t shown it.”
He wrapped his arms around Mike again and this time the taller man tried to push away. Not that he wasn’t grateful for the gesture, hell, he needed that from him. It was that need that pushed him away. He felt that feeling come back tenfold.
“Mike, promise me you won’t drink yourself to death.”
Mike bent his head down, not wanting to meet Billie’s stern gaze. It didn’t help much. He could feel his jade eyes boring holes in his head. He lifted Mike up to look at him.
“Promise me.”
“Fine. I won’t use that as a method of escape.”
“Why are you acting like this?”
“Like what, Bill?”
“All fucking pissy.”
“I just lost my girlfriend, man. To some douche bag I’ve never even met.”
“And you don’t think I know the feeling? I was with Adie for thirteen years, man. Thirteen years and she threw it all away. So don’t say I don’t know.”
“Sorry.”
Mike looked back down at the bar, his hands gripping the counter tightly as he felt the depression mixed with guilt coarse through his veins. Mike didn’t mean to get mad at him. He never meant to get mad at him. Billie’s always been there, always there to catch him when he did something stupid and when he needed help. The man’s saved his life countless times and Mike’s never shown him any thanks for it.
“Thanks, Bill.”
“What?”
“Thank you.”
He tightened his grip around Mike’s waist and the taller man could practically feel Billie’s lips curve into a smile. Mike leant back into him and turned around hugging the smaller man back. It was silent for a minute as they let their worries and sadness disappear for those sixty seconds of silence they both needed so desperately.
His laugh broke it. Mike looked down at him and Billie smiled again. There’s that feeling again. That swooping feeling in the pit of Mike’s stomach. He stared into his green eyes and those eyes stared back with the same ferocity. What was it? What is it about him that makes Mike have this feeling?
He did the one thing he shouldn’t have. He withdrew.
“Where are you going?”
“To bed.”
“Mike?”
Mike stopped at the first step of the stairs and turned around to face the petite man.
“Yeah?”
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I…I don’t know, Bill.”
“If you need anything…”
“I’ll call. Night.”
“Yeah, see you tomorrow.”
Mike made it to the top of the stairs and stopped. He waited till he heard the door click and felt the man’s presence leave. For a small guy his presence in a place was electrifying. Mike was always able to know when he was in a room since the second he met him. His personality is so big, it makes him larger than life, it makes him that rock god the fans see on stage.
Mike smiled to himself at his own description of his best friend. It’s true. He really is larger than life. He walked into his bedroom and felt a chill flow up and down his spine. That feeling of loneliness came in once again. He didn’t want to be alone again. What he wouldn’t give to have that man here with him, curled in the covers, heat radiating off of him like it always does, warming up his broken heart.
Mike shook him out of his thoughts when that feeling returned. He closed his eyes and all he saw were those perfect, jade ones. He was practically swimming in them. He opened his eyes and turned on his side seeing him there. What is it like to wake up and see those eyes each day? His body in this bed.
Mike sat up in a start. He doesn’t have feelings like these for just anyone. He’s a guy, his best friend. He’s the guy Mike got stoned with for the first time, the reason he picked up a bass, the reason he wakes up in the morning. No. What is he thinking? He’s a guy. He shouldn’t be having these thoughts.
Mike laid back down and drifted off into a worry-ridden slumber. He doesn’t love him. He doesn’t love him.
________
thanks for reading it.
does anyone know how to put previous links in an LJ cut?
the information is greatly appreciated
-Ash