(no subject)
Title: Simian Crease
Rating: PG, if even that
Word count: 3,500
Pairing: Ryo/Koyama/Jin, but it starts as established Ryo/Koyama.
Summary: Life is all about settling, in a way, finding something you're mostly happy with and holding it tightly, right? And Ryo's mostly happy, isn't he?
A/N: Originally written for nihongofrancais as part of the jthreesome exchange and posted here. I just now have finished re-angsting about every line and have decided to repost it. Lots of love to my name twin (lunarsweetie for looking it over and telling me to stop angsting about it.
My blood? Is part of this fic. I poured so much of myself and what I was feeling at the time (frustration and uncertainty, mostly over having no clue what to write and oh god, that PoV, what the hell is up with it?) into this fic, and I honestly feel it's one of the strongest things I've ever written.
He's got names written on his hands. Choices. You see it, even if he tries to hide it; it's why he keeps his fingers curled over his palms.
He's frowning and Koyama's pretending to smile, mouth stretched wide and comforting. "You'll be okay, won't you?"
"Don't be ridiculous." He looks at Koyama with his curled fists and his weary eyes and a line of exhaustion down his face. "It's just Jin."
Koyama's not sure how to tell Nishikido that he's always kind of ridiculous when it comes to him.
*
"I'm losing you to him, aren't I?" Koyama asks, melodramatic and eyes heavy with sleep when Nishikido comes back. You don't think he means it but it's almost time to get ready for work and you can't remember a single time Nishikido's stayed out until dawn with Koyama. You don't think he begrudges Nishikido's friends, you don't think he's jealous. It's just... just... Just what, really?
"Of course not." Nishikido smiles but it's not very reassuring. You can read the lines on his face, the names on his hands, and you know there's a part of him that wants to say he's not Koyama's for Koyama to lose.
He smells of sweat and Akanishi's cologne, something deep and earthy that's like nothing in any of the stores Koyama's ever been in, when he climbs into bed. Nishikido's arms are cold and the alarm's already ringing but they lay there anyway.
*
You can hear Nishikido rolling his eyes while Koyama's in the shower. He's got coffee in one hand and his phone in the other and the line of exhaustion down his face has grown. "Of course I got home fine."
Akanishi's yawning. "Just making sure. You're going to rehearsal today, aren't you? Pi'll kill me if you're not."
"Not like Koyama would let me miss it."
Akanishi is silent for a moment. Sometimes, you know, their friends don't know how to take them. Everyone's got to know, you think, but everyone seems to ignore it, ignore them, act innocent and naïve when Koyama's hands are all over Nishikido. "Then let's meet for lunch. It'll be fun."
Nishikido thinks about Koyama dripping wet in his shower, tendrils of hair curling on his neck and slim hips and miles of leg. He thinks about skipping practice altogether, making Koyama skip practice too, even vaguely wonders what YamaPi would do about it. "Can't. Already made plans."
"No you haven't."
"With Koyama."
"Oh."
"Yeah. Sorry." And it's not like when he typically apologises, he really means it this time. He hangs up hastily when Koyama exits the bathroom, his hair long and wet and waterdrops rolling down his back, and Nishikido doesn't know why he feels kind of guilty.
The names on his hands are shining.
*
They've been there forever, the names written in invisible ink on the palms of Nishikido's hands. There used to be more, back when he was young and impressionable and in love with himself - a girl in his class back in high school, Uchi Hiroki, an actress he once worked with, Yamashita Tomohisa, his neighbour's cute girlfriend - but they've all faded with time and his palms are mostly smooth, broken up by the heart line, two names, and the fate line.
There are names written on everyone's hands, you know. Choices. Chances at love, if the situation is right.
There's only one name on Koyama's palm. There's always only been one.
*
You don't think Nishikido'll notice it on his own because he hasn't yet and it's been years, but you think Koyama might and he does, all at once, a crashing revelation in the middle of dance rehearsal. Koyama's always been like that, observant even if no one realises it. He sees it in the cool lines of Nishikido's body, the way he angles himself in the break room.
Koyama stumbles over his choreography, the steps as familiar as breathing, and Nishikido notices that. They all do.
Koyama smiles at everyone and laughs about dust and on the next run through he does everything right so nobody worries.
Maybe Koyama notices it first because he's seen it before, the way Nishikido subconsciously tries to cover up his awkwardness, the way his eyes dance and his hands linger. Koyama can't see the choices written out on Nishikido's hands (not the way you can; you still can read the names, as clear as ever, their markings red against the pale of Nishikido's skin) but he can read the interest in Nishikido's angles, the way Nishikido leans towards Akanishi's breath, and it's just like Koyama can see the name written alongside his anyway.
Maybe Koyama just thinks it's a harmless crush. Maybe he thinks Nishikido's always been this way towards Akanishi. Maybe he just trusts Nishikido not to act on his interest. Whatever the case, Koyama decides not to worry. You kind of wonder why he has that kind of trust in someone like Nishikido Ryo.
*
You're watching them together, on the sofa. Akanishi's stretched out, taking up as much space as he can, and Nishikido's curled up against the arm, giving Akanishi as much room as he can. It's a subconscious thing for both of them, the subtle game of give-and-take they fell into years ago.
Koyama doesn't kiss Nishikido when he comes in and leans down. "Can I stay here tonight?" he whispers. He doesn't look at Akanishi and his heartbeat stays steady.
Nishikido blinks. "Why did you bother asking?"
Koyama smiles, the curve of his mouth brushing against Nishikido's. "Akanishi's eavesdropping."
Nishikido looks over to see Akanishi smiling back, his mouth open and wide. "You're so cute, Ryo-chan," he says.
Nishikido rolls his eyes and turns to the television, but you can still see his blush.
Koyama keeps out of the way, doesn't try to infringe on their time, lets them watch whatever movie they'd started. He sits in Nishikido's bedroom with the door slanted open, sending texts to Kato. If he were paying attention, like you are, he'd see the looks Akanishi keeps shooting towards him.
When you look closer, you're kind of surprised to see Koyama's name glowing on Akanishi's hand.
*
Nishikido's hands are hot and pressed against Koyama's spine. Koyama leaves them there, doesn't try to move or squirm because they're comforting in a sense - they make him think of home and melting icecream and fuzzy pyjamas - and his heart beats faster.
Nishikido doesn't smile, not like he used to when all this was new and unfamiliar and a little alarming. But Koyama's okay with that, really. At least, he thinks he should be. Because life is all about settling, in a way, finding something you're mostly happy with and holding it tightly, right? And Nishikido's mostly happy, isn't he? Koyama asks you over and over and over, but Nishikido's the one that answers.
"Of course I am." And then he's smiling just like he used to, wide and crooked with pieces of his heart in his eyes.
You look away, because sometimes you just can't stand them when everything is syrupy sweet.
*
You still don't think Koyama's jealous. Not even when he enters NewS's dressing room to find Akanishi pressing Nishikido against the wall. Maybe he's already resigned.
"Hi Keii-chan!" Akanishi chirps happily.
Koyama smiles and pretends he can't see the way their bodies are lined together. Nishikido's face is flushed and his eyes are spitting like they always do when he's more uncomfortable than angry.
"I swear to god, Jin, if you don't let me go, they're going to have to get Hashimoto to change his name so he can replace you in KAT-TUN." Nishikido's had better threats, probably has a thousand sitting in the back of his head, but Akanishi's thigh is between his and there's sweat rolling down the back of his neck from the effort of staying still.
Koyama ignores that too.
Akanishi smiles and tries to pat Nishikido on the head. "They waited for me for six months. I'm sure they can wait a few weeks while I'm in the hospital."
"Who says there'll be anything left to put in the hospital?"
"You're really scary today, Ryo-chan," Akanishi says, indulgingly, before craning his neck around. "Keii-chan!"
Koyama looks up from his bag.
"Let's have dinner tonight! Ryo-chan, too."
Koyama looks at Nishikido and Nishikido's saying no with every silent glance. "Okay," he agrees easily.
You're starting to see how this pending downfall could be all Koyama's fault.
*
The names are staring at you.
You don't understand really, because while Nishikido has two and Koyama has one, Akanishi still has countless names, written and rewritten on his hands, kanji curling around his knuckles and romaji licking his wrists, the invisible ink covering his skin like lace gloves. Sometimes, like now, when you're bored and Akanishi's over, you try and read the names - Yuuki, Angelica, Hiromitsu, Aiko - but most of them are too jumbled to make out in the mess.
Maybe it's because he's not like Koyama and Nishikido, not sentimental at all but romantic with the desperate confidence that things won't ever last.
And that's the real reason you hope he leaves them alone. Because even if Koyama insists on not being worried, concerned, you are, and you just know that Akanishi could never suit either of them, couldn't make them as happy in the long run because Akanishi doesn't even really believe in the long run while Koyama and Nishikido both cling to what they're eventually going to be.
*
Akanishi shows up while Nishikido is in Osaka. You narrow your eyes but Koyama never heeds your advice and let's him in.
"What are you doing here?" Koyama asks. His hands are on his hips, but he doesn't look imposing or intimidating - though, that could be because of the rubber gloves and the fountain of hair on top of his head secured with a pink scrunchy and the soft smile all over his face.
Akanishi shrugs. "I miss Ryo. So I thought I'd come eat all of his food." He plops on the couch and pretends to shut his eyes. "Feed me, Keii-chan!" he demands playfully.
Koyama rolls his eyes, sighs, but turns back to the kitchen when the timer goes off. He pulls his dinner off the stove (too much for one person but not quite enough for two) and dutifully gives Akanishi half his food.
Akanishi helps Koyama pull his rubber gloves off and they're halfway through dinner and a game show before Akanishi speaks. "So. What are you doing here?"
Koyama sort of freezes before he laughs. His tension goes up a few notches but Akanishi swirls his noodles like he's not expecting much of anything. "I kind of live here."
"Then why did you ask Ryo if you could stay over last week?"
"Because I kind of don't live here."
"That. Kind of makes no sense."
Koyama shrugs.
*
You think Koyama and Nishikido are perfect for each other, which is ridiculous because you've never really believed in perfect before them and you don't want to be so easily swayed. You even ignore what Fate has written on their hands because you've seen that go wrong a thousand times before and you want to believe that even if they weren't Fate's perfect chance at perfect love that they would have eventually found themselves together anyway. Because they are just that meant to be.
Nishikido comes home after being gone for two weeks. He throws his bags down in the hallway and stomps around and leaves soggy footprints everywhere. He gripes about Koyama stretching his favourite shirt and Koyama knows it just means that he's tired from the train, he's grumpy because Kanjani8 stresses him every time he has to leave them and they all attack him with their pitiful eyes because he doesn't love them anymore, he just wants some quiet time.
Koyama sits there and nods along until he gets bored and tells Nishikido to shut up. Nishikido acts shocked, even if he's not, and they hide under the blankets in Nishikido's bed until Nishikido gets bored.
The next morning, Koyama makes breakfast and when they both go to work, they both pretend like Nishikido wasn't gone for two weeks and fall into the same exact routine as before. It kind of comforts you, how they never really change.
Then Akanishi breezes in and you feel kind of frozen because you know he wants everything to change so fast. For the first time you can remember, you dread things falling apart when Nishikido smiles wide with pieces of his heart of his eyes.
Koyama watches Nishikido preen and shift under Akanishi's attention; he feels his heart shake and tighten.
*
Nishikido comes home that night giggling and besotted with Akanishi in tow.
"Hey, shove over," Nishikido whispers and Koyama dutifully rolls onto his side. Nishikido and Akanishi climb in and start snoring, but Koyama lays there for hours wondering what Nishikido really wants. Wondering if he really cares enough about what Nishikido wants.
*
It's not until Nishikido says Akanishi's name, soft and breathless and Jin, in the middle of the night that Koyama finally says something.
"Look. Ryo's in love with you."
Akanishi blinks. "What?"
"Ryo's in love with you, but I'm not giving him up."
Akanishi is still blinking. "Then why did you tell me?"
Koyama's curling his fingers over his palm. He shrugs. You shrug too. "I just wanted you to know I'm not giving him up."
*
Now that Akanishi knows about Nishikido, you can see Koyama's name even better on Akanishi's hand, shining through the other names. Sometimes, Akanishi's hands seem cleaner, less crowded, but other times the ink is so thick you can't even see Akanishi's hands. Koyama's name is always the brightest - you don't understand why.
You wonder what's going on, wonder if he'll try to break them up just because he thinks he can. Wonder if he'd do something like that to Koyama when Koyama's name has been the biggest on his hands since the first time you really looked.
You watch him closely when he's around, try and see what he's planning because you can't get in his head, and that worries you. You really don't want to see everything Koyama's ever wanted destroyed by someone's thoughtless whim.
*
Nishikido is made of cold edges and sometimes Koyama gets hurt. Even if they're perfect, they're human, and Koyama has a heart like glass so when Nishikido presses too hard, it leaves spiderweb cracks. Nishikido knows all the tricks of re-enforcing and supergluing and soothing, but this time he waits too long and Koyama's not waiting by the phone anymore.
Koyama's not sure why he ends up where he does, but he finds himself knocking on Akanishi's door at two in the morning.
"Keii-chan?" Akanishi's voice is dark and uneven when he opens up. "Are you okay?" His eyes are heavy and his pants are slung crooked.
Koyama blinks a few times before letting his eyes slant shut. "I've decided to let you have Ryo."
Akanishi is silent for a moment. Clears his throat twice. "Are you drunk or something?"
"Ryo's a lot of work. I'm tired of it." But Nishikido's really not, Koyama's just upset and lonely and tired. "You can make him happy, right?" He tilts his head at Akanishi, but he doesn't open his eyes, leaves them shut so he doesn't have to see Akanishi's easy acceptance.
"I. Don't want Ryo-chan. What are you giving him to me for?" He puts his hands on Koyama's arms and drags him inside.
"You'd make him happier than I am," Koyama tells him.
"I still don't want him. Give him to someone in Osaka."
"He's in love with you though."
"So you told me before."
Koyama curls his hands into fists, his fingertips brushing over Nishikido's invisible name. "You'd make him happiest."
"I don't care about making Ryo-chan happy. I'd rather make you happy." Koyama blinks his eyes open and Akanishi bites his lip because he never imagined confessing like that, never imagined confessing to Koyama at all.
"But he loves you."
"Yeah, and you love him." It's all kind of ironic, Akanishi thinks, and you're kind of impressed he understands the concept; you wonder when you started getting in Akanishi's head.
*
When Akanishi kisses him, Koyama does nothing to stop him.
You wait around patiently and have nothing better to do than think about what life could be like with Akanishi around all the time.
*
You don't know why Nishikido still calls Koyama by his family name. It's been years of warm nights and sleeping snug in the same bed, years of them, but he still starts every call the same. "Koyama."
Koyama yawns into the phone with Akanishi laying on his arm. "Ryo." His tone is dark and weary.
"You know I didn't mean it, right?" You know that's as close as Nishikido will get to admitting he's sorry; Koyama knows it too, accepts it. "I say stuff without thinking."
"I know." Koyama squeezes his eyes shut when he feels Akanishi shifting awake. "It's okay."
"When are you coming home?"
"Soon," Koyama tells him.
"I miss you," Nishikido says even if it's been less than a day, and Koyama believes him. "I'll see you when you get here."
"I slept with Akanishi," he spits out, because he's never been good at hiding things, especially from Nishikido, and he wants Nishikido to know now, to know upfront, before he comes back. Akanishi freezes beside Koyama and Nishikido's breathing stops.
"What?"
"I was upset and came to tell Akanishi he could... well, I came to Akanishi, and then we slept together."
Akanishi groans.
"I don't know what I was thinking. I was stupid. I was wrong. I'm sorry, so sorry." Koyama stops breathing, too.
You count the ticks of the clock until they finish suffocating.
Nishikido still sounds a little stifled when he speaks a few minutes later. "We'll talk about it when you get here. Don't worry."
"Okay, I'll be there soon."
But Koyama doesn't go home.
*
Nishikido calls and calls and when Koyama still won't answer, he shows up at Akanishi's.
Akanishi doesn't answer though and they can hear him pace in the hallway. "I don't care, Koyama. Come home. I love you, please don't leave me," he chants over and over next to the doorframe and Koyama hides his eyes while Akanishi turns up the television to drown Nishikido out.
"Why won't you go home?" Akanishi asks.
"I want Ryo to be happy."
"Then go home. That'd probably make him happy."
"What about you?"
Akanishi blinks. "What about me? I can survive on my own."
But you can see the thoughts in Koyama's head. What if Nishikido's been pretending all this time, what if he can't survive without Akanishi?
*
Koyama goes to bed that night with Akanishi's arm around him. He stares at Akanishi's hands so you do too, watch the kanji strokes melting off his fingers and wrists. You wonder what this means, wonder if Akanishi is deciding what he wants and settling.
Koyama wonders if Nishikido is breathing, wherever he is.
*
Koyama has his bright idea some time around midnight on his third night of hiding at Akanishi's. "Look. If you're in love with me and Nishikido's in love with you, why don't we just..."
Akanishi's eyes are bright. "Do you really think that would make you happy?"
Of course not, but Koyama's desperate and he's always heard that when the one you're in love with is happy, then that makes you happy. You try to tell him it only applies to selfless people, but he doesn't listen, can't listen, and Nishikido's name is neon on his hands. "It's what I want."
And really, that's good enough for Akanishi.
*
Nishikido's not so sure about this, not so sure about waking up with Koyama and Akanishi in his bed when he hasn't seen Koyama for days, not so sure about wrapping his arm around Koyama's waist when Koyama's been at Akanishi's for so long.
"I'm losing you to him, aren't I?" It's dark, and you find yourself wishing you could see his hands one last time before Koyama commits himself to this.
Koyama smiles and it's crooked, unsure. "Don't be ridiculous," he says, and he reaches out for Akanishi.
Nishikido breathes.
Rating: PG, if even that
Word count: 3,500
Pairing: Ryo/Koyama/Jin, but it starts as established Ryo/Koyama.
Summary: Life is all about settling, in a way, finding something you're mostly happy with and holding it tightly, right? And Ryo's mostly happy, isn't he?
A/N: Originally written for nihongofrancais as part of the jthreesome exchange and posted here. I just now have finished re-angsting about every line and have decided to repost it. Lots of love to my name twin (lunarsweetie for looking it over and telling me to stop angsting about it.
My blood? Is part of this fic. I poured so much of myself and what I was feeling at the time (frustration and uncertainty, mostly over having no clue what to write and oh god, that PoV, what the hell is up with it?) into this fic, and I honestly feel it's one of the strongest things I've ever written.
He's got names written on his hands. Choices. You see it, even if he tries to hide it; it's why he keeps his fingers curled over his palms.
He's frowning and Koyama's pretending to smile, mouth stretched wide and comforting. "You'll be okay, won't you?"
"Don't be ridiculous." He looks at Koyama with his curled fists and his weary eyes and a line of exhaustion down his face. "It's just Jin."
Koyama's not sure how to tell Nishikido that he's always kind of ridiculous when it comes to him.
*
"I'm losing you to him, aren't I?" Koyama asks, melodramatic and eyes heavy with sleep when Nishikido comes back. You don't think he means it but it's almost time to get ready for work and you can't remember a single time Nishikido's stayed out until dawn with Koyama. You don't think he begrudges Nishikido's friends, you don't think he's jealous. It's just... just... Just what, really?
"Of course not." Nishikido smiles but it's not very reassuring. You can read the lines on his face, the names on his hands, and you know there's a part of him that wants to say he's not Koyama's for Koyama to lose.
He smells of sweat and Akanishi's cologne, something deep and earthy that's like nothing in any of the stores Koyama's ever been in, when he climbs into bed. Nishikido's arms are cold and the alarm's already ringing but they lay there anyway.
*
You can hear Nishikido rolling his eyes while Koyama's in the shower. He's got coffee in one hand and his phone in the other and the line of exhaustion down his face has grown. "Of course I got home fine."
Akanishi's yawning. "Just making sure. You're going to rehearsal today, aren't you? Pi'll kill me if you're not."
"Not like Koyama would let me miss it."
Akanishi is silent for a moment. Sometimes, you know, their friends don't know how to take them. Everyone's got to know, you think, but everyone seems to ignore it, ignore them, act innocent and naïve when Koyama's hands are all over Nishikido. "Then let's meet for lunch. It'll be fun."
Nishikido thinks about Koyama dripping wet in his shower, tendrils of hair curling on his neck and slim hips and miles of leg. He thinks about skipping practice altogether, making Koyama skip practice too, even vaguely wonders what YamaPi would do about it. "Can't. Already made plans."
"No you haven't."
"With Koyama."
"Oh."
"Yeah. Sorry." And it's not like when he typically apologises, he really means it this time. He hangs up hastily when Koyama exits the bathroom, his hair long and wet and waterdrops rolling down his back, and Nishikido doesn't know why he feels kind of guilty.
The names on his hands are shining.
*
They've been there forever, the names written in invisible ink on the palms of Nishikido's hands. There used to be more, back when he was young and impressionable and in love with himself - a girl in his class back in high school, Uchi Hiroki, an actress he once worked with, Yamashita Tomohisa, his neighbour's cute girlfriend - but they've all faded with time and his palms are mostly smooth, broken up by the heart line, two names, and the fate line.
There are names written on everyone's hands, you know. Choices. Chances at love, if the situation is right.
There's only one name on Koyama's palm. There's always only been one.
*
You don't think Nishikido'll notice it on his own because he hasn't yet and it's been years, but you think Koyama might and he does, all at once, a crashing revelation in the middle of dance rehearsal. Koyama's always been like that, observant even if no one realises it. He sees it in the cool lines of Nishikido's body, the way he angles himself in the break room.
Koyama stumbles over his choreography, the steps as familiar as breathing, and Nishikido notices that. They all do.
Koyama smiles at everyone and laughs about dust and on the next run through he does everything right so nobody worries.
Maybe Koyama notices it first because he's seen it before, the way Nishikido subconsciously tries to cover up his awkwardness, the way his eyes dance and his hands linger. Koyama can't see the choices written out on Nishikido's hands (not the way you can; you still can read the names, as clear as ever, their markings red against the pale of Nishikido's skin) but he can read the interest in Nishikido's angles, the way Nishikido leans towards Akanishi's breath, and it's just like Koyama can see the name written alongside his anyway.
Maybe Koyama just thinks it's a harmless crush. Maybe he thinks Nishikido's always been this way towards Akanishi. Maybe he just trusts Nishikido not to act on his interest. Whatever the case, Koyama decides not to worry. You kind of wonder why he has that kind of trust in someone like Nishikido Ryo.
*
You're watching them together, on the sofa. Akanishi's stretched out, taking up as much space as he can, and Nishikido's curled up against the arm, giving Akanishi as much room as he can. It's a subconscious thing for both of them, the subtle game of give-and-take they fell into years ago.
Koyama doesn't kiss Nishikido when he comes in and leans down. "Can I stay here tonight?" he whispers. He doesn't look at Akanishi and his heartbeat stays steady.
Nishikido blinks. "Why did you bother asking?"
Koyama smiles, the curve of his mouth brushing against Nishikido's. "Akanishi's eavesdropping."
Nishikido looks over to see Akanishi smiling back, his mouth open and wide. "You're so cute, Ryo-chan," he says.
Nishikido rolls his eyes and turns to the television, but you can still see his blush.
Koyama keeps out of the way, doesn't try to infringe on their time, lets them watch whatever movie they'd started. He sits in Nishikido's bedroom with the door slanted open, sending texts to Kato. If he were paying attention, like you are, he'd see the looks Akanishi keeps shooting towards him.
When you look closer, you're kind of surprised to see Koyama's name glowing on Akanishi's hand.
*
Nishikido's hands are hot and pressed against Koyama's spine. Koyama leaves them there, doesn't try to move or squirm because they're comforting in a sense - they make him think of home and melting icecream and fuzzy pyjamas - and his heart beats faster.
Nishikido doesn't smile, not like he used to when all this was new and unfamiliar and a little alarming. But Koyama's okay with that, really. At least, he thinks he should be. Because life is all about settling, in a way, finding something you're mostly happy with and holding it tightly, right? And Nishikido's mostly happy, isn't he? Koyama asks you over and over and over, but Nishikido's the one that answers.
"Of course I am." And then he's smiling just like he used to, wide and crooked with pieces of his heart in his eyes.
You look away, because sometimes you just can't stand them when everything is syrupy sweet.
*
You still don't think Koyama's jealous. Not even when he enters NewS's dressing room to find Akanishi pressing Nishikido against the wall. Maybe he's already resigned.
"Hi Keii-chan!" Akanishi chirps happily.
Koyama smiles and pretends he can't see the way their bodies are lined together. Nishikido's face is flushed and his eyes are spitting like they always do when he's more uncomfortable than angry.
"I swear to god, Jin, if you don't let me go, they're going to have to get Hashimoto to change his name so he can replace you in KAT-TUN." Nishikido's had better threats, probably has a thousand sitting in the back of his head, but Akanishi's thigh is between his and there's sweat rolling down the back of his neck from the effort of staying still.
Koyama ignores that too.
Akanishi smiles and tries to pat Nishikido on the head. "They waited for me for six months. I'm sure they can wait a few weeks while I'm in the hospital."
"Who says there'll be anything left to put in the hospital?"
"You're really scary today, Ryo-chan," Akanishi says, indulgingly, before craning his neck around. "Keii-chan!"
Koyama looks up from his bag.
"Let's have dinner tonight! Ryo-chan, too."
Koyama looks at Nishikido and Nishikido's saying no with every silent glance. "Okay," he agrees easily.
You're starting to see how this pending downfall could be all Koyama's fault.
*
The names are staring at you.
You don't understand really, because while Nishikido has two and Koyama has one, Akanishi still has countless names, written and rewritten on his hands, kanji curling around his knuckles and romaji licking his wrists, the invisible ink covering his skin like lace gloves. Sometimes, like now, when you're bored and Akanishi's over, you try and read the names - Yuuki, Angelica, Hiromitsu, Aiko - but most of them are too jumbled to make out in the mess.
Maybe it's because he's not like Koyama and Nishikido, not sentimental at all but romantic with the desperate confidence that things won't ever last.
And that's the real reason you hope he leaves them alone. Because even if Koyama insists on not being worried, concerned, you are, and you just know that Akanishi could never suit either of them, couldn't make them as happy in the long run because Akanishi doesn't even really believe in the long run while Koyama and Nishikido both cling to what they're eventually going to be.
*
Akanishi shows up while Nishikido is in Osaka. You narrow your eyes but Koyama never heeds your advice and let's him in.
"What are you doing here?" Koyama asks. His hands are on his hips, but he doesn't look imposing or intimidating - though, that could be because of the rubber gloves and the fountain of hair on top of his head secured with a pink scrunchy and the soft smile all over his face.
Akanishi shrugs. "I miss Ryo. So I thought I'd come eat all of his food." He plops on the couch and pretends to shut his eyes. "Feed me, Keii-chan!" he demands playfully.
Koyama rolls his eyes, sighs, but turns back to the kitchen when the timer goes off. He pulls his dinner off the stove (too much for one person but not quite enough for two) and dutifully gives Akanishi half his food.
Akanishi helps Koyama pull his rubber gloves off and they're halfway through dinner and a game show before Akanishi speaks. "So. What are you doing here?"
Koyama sort of freezes before he laughs. His tension goes up a few notches but Akanishi swirls his noodles like he's not expecting much of anything. "I kind of live here."
"Then why did you ask Ryo if you could stay over last week?"
"Because I kind of don't live here."
"That. Kind of makes no sense."
Koyama shrugs.
*
You think Koyama and Nishikido are perfect for each other, which is ridiculous because you've never really believed in perfect before them and you don't want to be so easily swayed. You even ignore what Fate has written on their hands because you've seen that go wrong a thousand times before and you want to believe that even if they weren't Fate's perfect chance at perfect love that they would have eventually found themselves together anyway. Because they are just that meant to be.
Nishikido comes home after being gone for two weeks. He throws his bags down in the hallway and stomps around and leaves soggy footprints everywhere. He gripes about Koyama stretching his favourite shirt and Koyama knows it just means that he's tired from the train, he's grumpy because Kanjani8 stresses him every time he has to leave them and they all attack him with their pitiful eyes because he doesn't love them anymore, he just wants some quiet time.
Koyama sits there and nods along until he gets bored and tells Nishikido to shut up. Nishikido acts shocked, even if he's not, and they hide under the blankets in Nishikido's bed until Nishikido gets bored.
The next morning, Koyama makes breakfast and when they both go to work, they both pretend like Nishikido wasn't gone for two weeks and fall into the same exact routine as before. It kind of comforts you, how they never really change.
Then Akanishi breezes in and you feel kind of frozen because you know he wants everything to change so fast. For the first time you can remember, you dread things falling apart when Nishikido smiles wide with pieces of his heart of his eyes.
Koyama watches Nishikido preen and shift under Akanishi's attention; he feels his heart shake and tighten.
*
Nishikido comes home that night giggling and besotted with Akanishi in tow.
"Hey, shove over," Nishikido whispers and Koyama dutifully rolls onto his side. Nishikido and Akanishi climb in and start snoring, but Koyama lays there for hours wondering what Nishikido really wants. Wondering if he really cares enough about what Nishikido wants.
*
It's not until Nishikido says Akanishi's name, soft and breathless and Jin, in the middle of the night that Koyama finally says something.
"Look. Ryo's in love with you."
Akanishi blinks. "What?"
"Ryo's in love with you, but I'm not giving him up."
Akanishi is still blinking. "Then why did you tell me?"
Koyama's curling his fingers over his palm. He shrugs. You shrug too. "I just wanted you to know I'm not giving him up."
*
Now that Akanishi knows about Nishikido, you can see Koyama's name even better on Akanishi's hand, shining through the other names. Sometimes, Akanishi's hands seem cleaner, less crowded, but other times the ink is so thick you can't even see Akanishi's hands. Koyama's name is always the brightest - you don't understand why.
You wonder what's going on, wonder if he'll try to break them up just because he thinks he can. Wonder if he'd do something like that to Koyama when Koyama's name has been the biggest on his hands since the first time you really looked.
You watch him closely when he's around, try and see what he's planning because you can't get in his head, and that worries you. You really don't want to see everything Koyama's ever wanted destroyed by someone's thoughtless whim.
*
Nishikido is made of cold edges and sometimes Koyama gets hurt. Even if they're perfect, they're human, and Koyama has a heart like glass so when Nishikido presses too hard, it leaves spiderweb cracks. Nishikido knows all the tricks of re-enforcing and supergluing and soothing, but this time he waits too long and Koyama's not waiting by the phone anymore.
Koyama's not sure why he ends up where he does, but he finds himself knocking on Akanishi's door at two in the morning.
"Keii-chan?" Akanishi's voice is dark and uneven when he opens up. "Are you okay?" His eyes are heavy and his pants are slung crooked.
Koyama blinks a few times before letting his eyes slant shut. "I've decided to let you have Ryo."
Akanishi is silent for a moment. Clears his throat twice. "Are you drunk or something?"
"Ryo's a lot of work. I'm tired of it." But Nishikido's really not, Koyama's just upset and lonely and tired. "You can make him happy, right?" He tilts his head at Akanishi, but he doesn't open his eyes, leaves them shut so he doesn't have to see Akanishi's easy acceptance.
"I. Don't want Ryo-chan. What are you giving him to me for?" He puts his hands on Koyama's arms and drags him inside.
"You'd make him happier than I am," Koyama tells him.
"I still don't want him. Give him to someone in Osaka."
"He's in love with you though."
"So you told me before."
Koyama curls his hands into fists, his fingertips brushing over Nishikido's invisible name. "You'd make him happiest."
"I don't care about making Ryo-chan happy. I'd rather make you happy." Koyama blinks his eyes open and Akanishi bites his lip because he never imagined confessing like that, never imagined confessing to Koyama at all.
"But he loves you."
"Yeah, and you love him." It's all kind of ironic, Akanishi thinks, and you're kind of impressed he understands the concept; you wonder when you started getting in Akanishi's head.
*
When Akanishi kisses him, Koyama does nothing to stop him.
You wait around patiently and have nothing better to do than think about what life could be like with Akanishi around all the time.
*
You don't know why Nishikido still calls Koyama by his family name. It's been years of warm nights and sleeping snug in the same bed, years of them, but he still starts every call the same. "Koyama."
Koyama yawns into the phone with Akanishi laying on his arm. "Ryo." His tone is dark and weary.
"You know I didn't mean it, right?" You know that's as close as Nishikido will get to admitting he's sorry; Koyama knows it too, accepts it. "I say stuff without thinking."
"I know." Koyama squeezes his eyes shut when he feels Akanishi shifting awake. "It's okay."
"When are you coming home?"
"Soon," Koyama tells him.
"I miss you," Nishikido says even if it's been less than a day, and Koyama believes him. "I'll see you when you get here."
"I slept with Akanishi," he spits out, because he's never been good at hiding things, especially from Nishikido, and he wants Nishikido to know now, to know upfront, before he comes back. Akanishi freezes beside Koyama and Nishikido's breathing stops.
"What?"
"I was upset and came to tell Akanishi he could... well, I came to Akanishi, and then we slept together."
Akanishi groans.
"I don't know what I was thinking. I was stupid. I was wrong. I'm sorry, so sorry." Koyama stops breathing, too.
You count the ticks of the clock until they finish suffocating.
Nishikido still sounds a little stifled when he speaks a few minutes later. "We'll talk about it when you get here. Don't worry."
"Okay, I'll be there soon."
But Koyama doesn't go home.
*
Nishikido calls and calls and when Koyama still won't answer, he shows up at Akanishi's.
Akanishi doesn't answer though and they can hear him pace in the hallway. "I don't care, Koyama. Come home. I love you, please don't leave me," he chants over and over next to the doorframe and Koyama hides his eyes while Akanishi turns up the television to drown Nishikido out.
"Why won't you go home?" Akanishi asks.
"I want Ryo to be happy."
"Then go home. That'd probably make him happy."
"What about you?"
Akanishi blinks. "What about me? I can survive on my own."
But you can see the thoughts in Koyama's head. What if Nishikido's been pretending all this time, what if he can't survive without Akanishi?
*
Koyama goes to bed that night with Akanishi's arm around him. He stares at Akanishi's hands so you do too, watch the kanji strokes melting off his fingers and wrists. You wonder what this means, wonder if Akanishi is deciding what he wants and settling.
Koyama wonders if Nishikido is breathing, wherever he is.
*
Koyama has his bright idea some time around midnight on his third night of hiding at Akanishi's. "Look. If you're in love with me and Nishikido's in love with you, why don't we just..."
Akanishi's eyes are bright. "Do you really think that would make you happy?"
Of course not, but Koyama's desperate and he's always heard that when the one you're in love with is happy, then that makes you happy. You try to tell him it only applies to selfless people, but he doesn't listen, can't listen, and Nishikido's name is neon on his hands. "It's what I want."
And really, that's good enough for Akanishi.
*
Nishikido's not so sure about this, not so sure about waking up with Koyama and Akanishi in his bed when he hasn't seen Koyama for days, not so sure about wrapping his arm around Koyama's waist when Koyama's been at Akanishi's for so long.
"I'm losing you to him, aren't I?" It's dark, and you find yourself wishing you could see his hands one last time before Koyama commits himself to this.
Koyama smiles and it's crooked, unsure. "Don't be ridiculous," he says, and he reaches out for Akanishi.
Nishikido breathes.