[Fic] More Than This - 3/15
Title: More Than This
Author: Coley Merrin
Pairings: Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun, Tablo/Eunhyuk
Other: Zhou Mi/other, Kyuhyun/other, Eunhyuk/Sooyoung, various
Rating: R
Genre: AU, crime, romance
Warnings: violence, death (not of main characters)
Summary: Zhou Mi’s focus is Heartstrings, a dating company where love is more than just a guarantee - it's in Zhou Mi’s blood. A matchmaking gift he’s used with gladness, until a series of murders has it shaping his nightmares.
Eunhyuk, his business partner, can’t let go of his tumultuous past. But finding a man he’s been looking for over half his life has repercussions not only for him, but for Zhou Mi and their future.
Chapter One * Chapter Two * Chapter Three * Chapter Four
***
Eunhyuk knew he loved Sooyoung. Pretty much somewhere between meeting her, and a few months later when she’d broken up with her parent-rejected boyfriend, he’d fallen for her. For her sense of humor, for her love of fun, that he could debate with her. And he wanted her, but it didn’t take anyone with much reason to see why. Half the reason he figured they hadn’t lasted as a couple was how quick they’d spun into their own relationship, before she’d healed from the previous one. And of course, he was just as unlikely to meet her parents’ approval. Part of what she found attractive about him, maybe. Of course that hadn’t been all of it. They’d spent about as much time talking in bed as they had spent having sex, which had been a novelty to him at that point. But the time together had been less and less, naturally declining until she’d gone to study abroad in Japan. And it had just seemed logical to call an end to it.
Which was why they’d parted as genial friends, and could look at each other four years later without a lot of personal baggage.
One dinner to catch up hadn’t been enough. So they’d gotten together a couple nights later as well. And it made some of the stress he was feeling just push to the back of his mind. For a while, he actually considered that maybe it was worth rekindling things between them. She was still beautiful, if not more so as she’d matured.
The obvious answer was no. No, he shouldn’t even consider it. It didn’t matter how well they got along, he had things to do, to accomplish. Not just business things, personal things. Things that he’d been working too hard to give up on. There was that little hope that he couldn’t give up on, even as he and Sooyoung met for dinner again. Sooyoung laughed against his side as they walked down the hall to his apartment. They’d look at old pictures and reminisce, and he’d see her home.
At least, that was the plan.
***
His heart had long since dropped out of thundering mode, coming out of a half doze when he felt the bed shift from a new weight on it. He held out his arm, letting Sooyoung curve into it, and against him.
“Mm, good,” she murmured, getting her head on his chest.
“Good.”
He felt he had had the right to be a little smug. A gorgeous woman in his bed, following great sex. It sure beat what he’d been doing for himself and sitting alone the past nights.
“Do you wonder sometimes why it didn’t work between us?” she asked, lifting her head enough that he could be distracted by her rumpled hair. His fingers almost itched to smooth it.
Of course, on the heels of that was, ah. Of course they’d get into a deep dissection of their past when he was still being glad for a roll between the sheets.
“Our pasts were too different, for one thing,” he said, sighing. “Your parents would’ve sent up a hundred fits if I’d even darkened the door.”
“I could’ve brought them around.”
Though she sounded confident, she quailed a little under his skeptical stare.
“We were great friends. I don’t know if we would’ve been great married.”
“Now great friends with great sex, eh?” she said. “I think about it sometimes. You’re so…comfortable. I don’t mean that badly. Obviously I have a good time with you.”
And had vocally let him know it not so many minutes before.
“You don’t need someone comfortable,” he told her, kissing the top of her head. “You need someone exciting. Someone who moves you. You’re beautiful. And smart, and funny. And I love you. I loved you.”
She nodded sagely against his chest, before sitting up and dragging most of the sheet with her. But before he had a chance to protest, she’d pinned him to the bed. “Who is she?”
“What?”
“Who is she? Everything you said, it had a “but” after it. You’re beautiful, but, and smart and funny but. And I love you, but. So who is she?”
His head felt too heavy to hold up any more, collapsing back into the pillow. He wasn’t ashamed. And he knew she was as open minded as he could hope, since they’d discussed Zhou Mi’s dating history before. But it was different when he had a mostly naked woman on top of him. Not just that, but one he cared about. A lot.
“Come on,” she said, prodding at his chest with a finger. “What can you possibly be embarrassed about? She has to be out of high school. Oh. Is she your granny’s age? Eunhyuk.”
“It’s a he,” he got out. “It’s a man.”
The shock was immediate, her eyes wide and fixed, and then searching his face as though he was going to start laughing. But it wasn’t a joke. A sound left her throat, and then she swallowed.
“So, this with us. Were you just… You were never attracted to me at all?”
“No,” he protested, and struggled up, so he could face her for real. Hold her still, before she got the wrong idea. “No. I’ve been attracted to as many women as I have men. It was always real for me with you.”
Inside he was pleading with her to understand. Her mouth firmed.
“So this guy, he’s different than all the others, then. Who is it?”
He let out a huge breath, resting his head on her shoulder. “There’s a really, really long story behind that. And I wish I could tell you now. You deserve it. But it has to wait. I haven’t even told Zhou Mi yet.”
“You mean he hasn’t divined it in one of your weekly mind melds?” she asked, not a little bit ironically.
“No. Smarty. He knows something is up though.”
“So why are you messing around with me, if there’s this guy waiting out there to get jumped by you?”
“It’s complicated, way more complicated than that. I’m really- Really sorry I can’t tell you.”
“Then I’ll wait.”
She went to salute, and almost dropped her sheet. He only half hid the leer.
“Thanks,” he said, and straightened her hair like he’d been meaning to for the last several minutes. He could tell she was laughing at him, but nothing he could do about that.
“How about I take your mind off of it for now?” she asked, eyes soft, and loved.
“Why don’t you?” he agreed, and tugged on the sheet to bring her closer. Both so he could kiss her, and to feel her skin against his.
***
It was nice to have company to eat breakfast with, even if it was a woman who kept squinting at him every so often as though to decide about what she had to say. Something had to be said, he knew that. They couldn’t just continue on as they’d been last night, or how they’d been the first time they were together. It had been an aberration. A nice one. If anything, the last time especially, had read kind of like a goodbye.
“I respect myself too much to be involved with you, just casual sex,” Sooyoung said at last, breaking their standoff over the cereal bowls. “Not only that, if there’s someone else, then you really need to go for him, and not stick around with second options.”
“I just wanted you to know that despite everything, I’m not cheating on him, with you. There’s no one else for me right now. And you should be no man’s second option.”
“If I hire Heartstrings, maybe I won’t be,” she said, laughter making her eyes dance.
He tried to imagine matching her up with another man, and sure, there was that niggle of jealousy. They loved each other, were good together in bed. He’d had the same reaction when she’d started dating after they broke up the first time. One of the many reasons it had been a bad idea to sleep together again.
“Zhou Mi would be able to match you,” he said. “For obvious reasons, I wouldn’t take point. I might tell all the men you’re a terror.”
At least he had the reflexes to duck when she threw her napkin at him.
“I was thinking, too,” she said, and he began to feel a little scared. “Since you clearly aren’t with this guy, then I want to help you if I can. Matchmaking assistant, Sooyoung, at your service!”
It was apprehension, amusement, and affection, all rolled into one.
***
“Eunhyuk!”
Kyuhyun’s head went up at the panicked sound from the back office. His head immediately turned to make sure that Eunhyuk was there, and had heard the clear cry for help. What Eunhyuk was doing was standing and rolling his eyes.
“That right there is the distress cry of a Zhou Mi in need of computer help,” Eunhyuk said as though he were teaching a biology class. “Why don’t you come in with me, since you might be doing this more than I will.”
No IM for help that time. Kyuhyun followed Eunhyuk into Zhou Mi’s office, squeezing back beside the window so he could see what was going on. Zhou Mi was frowning and jiggling his mouse as they came in, so he had at least a couple of ideas on what it might be.
“It’s a frozen program,” Eunhyuk said flatly.
“No,” Zhou Mi said, his tone stubborn. “I know that. I’m not stupid. I was entering in all this information, and it just stopped responding. But-“
“Can you take this?” Eunhyuk asked, fond exasperation all over his face when he looked at Kyuhyun.
“Sure.”
“You’re in good hands now. He’ll slay the computer monster for you,” Eunhyuk said, and patted Zhou Mi’s shoulder before going back out.
“He talks to me like I’m five and don’t know a computer from a hole in the ground,” Zhou Mi complained, sighing.
Well. No use dragging out the suspense.
“Auto-save should’ve kept your work,” Kyuhyun said. “Eunhyuk said he’d made sure it was set up. So you might lose up to five minutes of work, but not more. You just have to force quit and re-open the program. It’ll prompt you to open your saved draft.”
He waited a beat, in case Zhou Mi was going to tell him that he didn’t know how to do that, but Zhou Mi dutifully did as Kyuhyun asked. The file opened, and Zhou Mi checked over it with concerned noises.
“Oh. Thank goodness. It’s just missing a few. What did people do before auto-save?”
“They got really good at saving really often,” Kyuhyun said, laughing. “I’ve lost a lot of school papers that way.”
“Ugh, I know. Oh, hey. While I have you in here, how are you at PowerPoint?” Zhou Mi asked. And the simple act of Zhou Mi not standing meant Kyuhyun was mostly trapped unless he wanted to vault the desk.
“Decent? I’m not going to win any awards, but it generally looks all right.”
“Good. I’ve been doodling out designs for what I’m thinking about for our new login page. The site hasn’t undergone a revamp in over a year, and I’m not wanting any huge changes, but it’s time for something new.”
“Okay. You want me to mock it up then?”
“Please. I have my sketches…” Zhou Mi rifled in a stack of papers. “Oh. Here. I had a couple of different ones. I think we should stick to about the same color scheme. Doesn’t have to be exact in the trial, just to give an idea. I was toying with the idea of a background? Or pictures. I don’t know. Go basic, go crazy. Anything you do will help me get my mind around it.”
He really, really couldn’t help himself.
“You do know how to make a presentation, right?”
Zhou Mi blinked at him for several seconds before slapping his shoulder. “Brat. Yes. I just haven’t done it in a while. But I’ll leave you to do that in here. I need to go over this month’s financials with Eunhyuk, anyway. I’ll look forward to your brilliant work when I get back.”
“No pressure,” Kyuhyun said blithely, smirking up as Zhou Mi stood.
“I always expect excellence,” Zhou Mi informed him, and sailed out the door.
And then sailed back in two seconds later to retrieve his folder for the meeting with Eunhyuk. Kyuhyun just received a cluck of the tongue for his obvious failure to hide his laugh.
But he cued up the program on Zhou Mi’s computer anyway, and stared at the empty spreadsheet. He’d seen Heartstrings’ login page approximately seven billion times, so that wasn’t the problem. The problem was deciphering Zhou Mi’s sketches. There were four, in various levels of progress. With scrawled notes, some that weren’t in Korean. It was drawn fairly well. But like him and the program, Zhou Mi wasn’t going to get called on to do competition work.
He sighed, and started with the background. The rest was pretty simple, just pasting in the logo, creating boxes to stand in for log in buttons and entry forms. Adding text, and moving things around. He was serious on the first one, not really knowing how long winded Zhou Mi and Eunhyuk were going to be about money. When it was clear he had time to spare, he did what Zhou Mi had suggested, and went crazy. His own brand of crazy.
Though if he were working on a site for himself, he wouldn’t be playing with hearts. Figuratively or literally. He had four, fairly similar though different versions by the time he sat back and stared around. He didn’t usually have a lot of time in Zhou Mi’s office to just look. Zhou Mi’s outbox was edged by little hanging phone straps that looked like they were from different locations, and he resisted the urge to poke them. Maybe matching up to the postcards and pictures that Zhou Mi had on his walls. The office itself was just big enough for a little storage closet, Zhou Mi’s desk, and a chair for meetings.
And he shot upright in the chair when he heard footsteps.
“How’d it go?” Zhou Mi asked, beaming and dragging the chair around so he could sit beside Kyuhyun.
“Good,” he said. And debated. Show Zhou Mi the real ones first, or the joke?
Well, the joke had to have a lead-up he guessed. He pulled up the first one, in muted browns, and blues. It made the maroon and pink logo stand out even more. Zhou Mi hummed, and hmmed, his hand on Kyuhyun’s shoulder, half leaning into him.
“I like that one. Kind of understated, but classy. Doesn’t scream we’re totally juvenile.”
Ah. And that was time for the joke.
The next one still had browns and blues, but the main background was full of cascading hearts and cherubs. Cupid indeed.
Zhou Mi’s laugh was instantaneous and loud, standing all the way up as he hooted and stared at the screen.
“Look,” Zhou Mi said, his voice trembling with mirth. “it doesn’t have to be hearts all over. There is such a thing as restraint.”
Kyuhyun stared up Zhou Mi’s body. All six feet of it, with red pants and some kind of spangled top. “You’re being serious?”
“The site, not me! I’m not trying to sell myself.”
Kyuhyun cackled and clicked on the next one. “Good thing that was a fake one, then.”
He got several nudges to his shoulder, but Zhou Mi managed to get himself seated again, with just a little more laughter.
“That was a good joke,” Zhou Mi admired. Considering he couldn’t stop smirking, boy how Kyuhyun knew it. “Oh, but I like this one you did.”
They spent most of the hour that way, Zhou Mi leaning into his shoulder as they tinkered with the mocked-up site. And it had been more fun than he ever would’ve counted on. Zhou Mi’s perfectionism and all. It was nice to know that they worked well together, too.
***
As a grown man, there were plenty of things that Zhou Mi didn’t enjoy doing. Going to the dentist, disposing of bugs, slogging through snow. Growing up hadn’t meant avoiding everything he didn’t like. And some things he took on himself, because he knew they needed doing, whether he liked it or not. Responsibilities he accepted. He’d done most of the accounting for Heartstrings the first year before Eunhyuk had taken it over. He was, most days, aware of his competency at life and as a human being. Days he wasn’t, usually he still had some hope of surviving and getting through it. No one started a business without having a little hope.
But he questioned his sanity, a little, as he walked up to street level on a warm Saturday.
It had been only a few days since he had seen the woman from his nightmare on the newspaper cover. A few days of wondering about his sanity. Maybe it was his imagination, but the woman’s face was burned into his eyes. Maybe he was imagining things, but it had happened in the middle of the night he dreamed it. No way he could’ve read of it first.
He’d read every article he could find on the murder, like a sickness. He knew she’d been stabbed. Coming home in the middle of the night from visiting family, because her child was sick. Killed within sight of her home. His stomach had ground the entire time he read, tight band in his throat, but otherwise strangely detached.
It had been simple searching to find out where she had lived. And he considered it another test. The pictures online had looked familiar, but he was still trying to explain that away. Maybe he’d been there. Gotten off at a totally unfamiliar subway stop, and seen a neighborhood he’d never heard of.
Zhou Mi walked as though he had no purpose, dreading, hoping. That nothing would be the same, that he could leave and count it as a fluke. It was warm, but he was not, in a thin sport jacket. He wished it was winter, that he could bundle in a thick coat. It would have more suited his mood. Maybe armor he didn’t really need.
It was more than unease. Even if he coached himself that he wouldn’t see anything, he didn’t believe it. There were cars parked along where he walked, and he passed a few people before he turned onto the street he was looking for.
It wasn’t that instantaneous flash of recognition. More like water sinking into soil. The closer he got, the more he knew. The more he wanted to stop. The more he couldn’t.
There was no outline of a body. Dark marks on the concrete, where a body had spilled. He wondered if they could take that up. Make it clean again. Wondered who would do it.
And his eyes darted from place to place, building the memory, even as he tried to fight it. The street light, the curb, the steps, the chunk missing from sidewalk, her fingerstheknifethesoundofthechild’sscreams, the-
He pivoted, and wanted to sprint. Wanted to run until his heart gave out and made it only 50 feet a brisk walk, leaning back against a building his his hand over his mouth and trying not to hyperventilate. It was exactly as he’d seen. The feel of it creeping up his back like icy fingers, as though the killer still lurked, knife in hand.
It had been a mistake to go. A mistake. He could’ve forgotten, but then to know-
He hadn’t been there before. He knew that. It was a nightmare, and maybe more. But he hadn’t seen anything to help. Not a face, not a name. Only pain. Too much pain.
He managed to get himself moving again, before someone called the police on him. A suspicious man in a red jacket wheezing on the street. Red. He wondered if he’d chosen that color subconsciously, since he’d known where he’d be going. Or if he chose it because he knew he needed something bold, to make him bold.
He didn’t go home, where he would only think. Getting scalding tea, and browsing in stores for hours, but finding no pleasure in it. Until he felt faint, having eaten almost nothing. Eating prepared rice from a convenience store, the only thing he could stomach. He pondered going to the gym, and realized he’d hurt himself if he tried.
He didn’t try to drown himself in the shower, but imagining he never had to leave it helped.
Sleep was fleeting, tumbling his mind like a dryer on endless cycles. But at last, he rested, when he promised himself that he knew it was real. And if there was anything he could do to help, he would do it.
***
There were few things that Zhou Mi enjoyed more than matching. It had the moments of utter frustration, helplessness, futility. But there was always a goal to look for, a summit to attain. Day by day, new ones appeared, and new challenges arose. Making sure their automated business grew, to make sure the choices were always flowing. Making sure the people he worked with one-on-one were happy. It bumped up his cheer level in the morning, almost as much as his morning tea did, knowing he had a day with a lot of possibilities. He knew he was lucky, to be able to do something he was good at. Something he quite honestly adore, with everything he had shoved back into his mind to forget.
And he did love matching his friends as well. Most of them paid no fees, and sometimes the matches went little further than the group of people Zhou Mi knew. It was ironic and strange, and somewhat beautiful, how somehow people meant to be sometimes gravitated into the same circles.
Those were the weddings he cried hardest at. Overjoyed by knowing people he loved had a chance at loving. Eunhyuk cried too, though they razzed each other about it.
It made him antsy to begin the process for Kyuhyun. Even the time they had spent together, the dinners out, the chats in the office, or Kyuhyun playing Eunhyuk’s replacement guard, there were still mysteries. He contemplated it sometimes, rolling his chair over and staring at the Kyuhyun’s back. Of course, usually only when he hit a lull and had a chance. What kind of person would be best suited for Kyuhyun? At first he’d seemed quiet, but there was humor in his voice and his expressions. The occasional uninhibited laugh told Zhou Mi a lot of good things about him. Focused on his tasks, analytical. Someone who could lead without being a bully.
Hands that could be tender, but not too giving. Not selfless. A man who knew who he was, what he could do. And who wanted to also work at being better.
And those were just things that Zhou Mi knew offhand. He began sending Kyuhyun the questionnaires, to fill out. They were all online and confidential, but Zhou Mi looked over them all with interest. Kyuhyun’s birth date, his family background, employment and education. Running his finger down the list and letting details run into himself. Kyuhyun was a man of the technology age. He enjoyed computers, games. Television and movies. Reading. Dogs. Not so much for sports, but visited the gym.
He had a love for family, and Zhou Mi detected a slight yearning for a family of his own, even if Kyuhyun had left the section on children intentionally blank. And that wasn’t all.
“Do you have a moment for us to start your profile?” Zhou Mi asked, IMing him. “Let me know when you’re not in the middle of something.”
“Free now, Kyuhyun messaged back. “Should I come in?”
Kyuhyun closed the door behind himself, at Zhou Mi’s urging, taking the chair beside Zhou Mi’s desk. His face was neutral, studied, posture slightly slouched and defensive. As though he were expected to be reamed, instead of helped.
“Thank you for filling out all the questionnaires I sent,” Zhou Mi said, smiling and hoping to put Kyuhyun a little at ease. “I can imagine it’s hard to fill out those kinds of things, knowing your boss will see them. But you shouldn’t worry. It was fun getting to know a little more about you. And anything you shared is just between us.”
“Won’t it go up on the site?” Kyuhyun asked.
“No. Some of it, but we’ll create your profile, together. I always want to do more for people than I say I’m going to.”
Kyuhyun blinked at him, sitting up straighter. “So you’re going to do the matching yourself?”
“If that’s all right with you.”
“Wow. Well. You know more about it than I do. Thank you. I mean, as long as it’s not too much trouble. I could just do it myself, if it was.”
Zhou Mi waved him off. “No. I’m happy to do it. Eunhyuk might say I’m a bit of a busybody. So as long as you’re wanting to look, I want to help you.”
And it was a joy to watch Kyuhyun chuckle as he swiped at some of the hair on his forehead. “Busybody away, then.”
And that was his cue to start diving in. There was one question in particular that Kyuhyun had filled out. And there was no easy way of getting around asking it, and no way Zhou Mi could begin to match without it.
“You put down that it was man you would be looking for.”
Kyuhyun stared at him, as though that was the last question on earth he expected to be asked. Of course, to many people in the city, the question would be cut and dried. Obvious, predetermined. But it wasn’t obvious. Far from being cut and dried. Kyuhyun filling that out told him some things, but not everything.
“And that’s okay,” Zhou Mi told him. “Eunhyuk has dated both men and women, and doesn’t mind me saying so. I’ve only dated men. It’s one of the things Eunhyuk and I talked about a lot when we started this place. We’re not crusading, but we want to make sure everyone has a fair, safe place.”
It wasn’t the first time he’d made that speech. Sadly, he knew it wouldn’t be the last. But Kyuhyun nodded slightly, and met his eyes. Zhou Mi could see the decision in them.
“Yes. A man. Is who I’d be looking for.”
Zhou Mi nodded as well. They made it so people could meet and date, but Zhou Mi had never turned away someone who needed guidance. Eunhyuk called him a little too soft that way, but sometimes there was no one else. And he didn’t want to think he was telling someone that there never would be. And the question he had wasn’t to pry. It was more to ascertain how comfortable Kyuhyun was with himself, and how to take the next steps. If there were any.
“Does anyone know?”
Kyuhyun nodded. “A couple of my friends. Not my family. And I have dated men before.”
“Okay. If you have any concerns about what I’m doing, or think of anything that will help me point you toward someone right for you, don’t hesitate to tell me. I’m not in this for my ego. And everyone is different.”
The tilt of Kyuhyun’s head was telling, as was the averting of his eyes. And Zhou Mi waited for Kyuhyun to speak.
“I don’t think I’d be doing this if it was anywhere else. You want to be right. Not so you can get it done fast, but as good as it can be. And I admire that.”
Touched, was the only word Zhou Mi could come up with. Kyuhyun wasn’t exactly his protege, though he liked to think that they were at the very least beginning to be friends. And to know Kyuhyun respected what he did, bubbled warmth through him.
“Thank you. That means a lot. And I’ll start working, so we can hopefully find you some kick-ass guys to choose from,” Zhou Mi said, offering his fist for Kyuhyun to bump.
Kyuhyun’s laugh rose, eyes taking the light.
“Sounds like a plan.”
***
It seemed it was the day for getting people set up. Zhou Mi grinned, and waved Sooyoung into the office so she could get comfortable. Eunhyuk had set up a preliminary meeting for Sooyoung, since she had decided to join alongside Siwon. It wasn’t the first time he’d dealt with siblings, but definitely not two so simultaneously. She had all the same paperwork filled out that Kyuhyun had. Background information, what she was looking for in a boyfriend, a husband. The difference was that he knew her, and knew Siwon only slightly. It was not a factor that would make matching Siwon less doable, or make Sooyoung’s easier. There were far many more factors than that.
Most of the first meetings like that were for Zhou Mi to get an idea of character, to go over information and see if he had questions or needed clarifications. Some people when trying to date gave the best information about themselves, thinking that was what would make people want them. But it wasn’t always the most honest assessment, and wading through those pitfalls made Zhou Mi’s job easier, and the end result more pleasing for everyone. No one wanted to marry their ideal, only to find a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It was all well and good to try and change, or to think of giving up part of themselves. But to find a person that meshed, that complimented, was Zhou Mi’s greatest hope.
But maybe her experience with Siwon’s questionnaires, or speaking to Eunhyuk, had done her well. Because the only main points he’d wanted to speak about were the traits she wanted. How her personality meshed with another’s. It wasn’t enough that he had seen her interact with Eunhyuk years before. She had been younger, and Eunhyuk was himself. It was different, person to person.
“I’ve wanted to get married fairly young,” Sooyoung told him. “I do want to be a mother and a wife, so I really am glad you agreed to take me on.”
“We want for you exactly what you want. I hope you have lots of friends you’ll suggest join, too,” Zhou Mi said subtly.
“You’ll use a client as advertisement?”
“You’re not a client as much as you are a frie- Hey!” Zhou Mi just barely ducked out of the way of her striking hand, laughing. “That was a compliment, you know!”
Satisfied, she relaxed back. “I know.”
He considered her, slipping back into his duty. And he offered his hand, waiting until she took it, because he wanted that connection as they talked.
“As your mentor here, I just wanted to ask. Eunhyuk didn’t tell me everything, but were you..hoping to rekindle a relationship with him?”
“Am I just rebounding do you mean?” she asked. “No. I do love him, and dating him again would have been comfortable. I think it’s a good idea for me to have someone to focus on.”
That encouraged him greatly. “Good. I’m glad. I think you’ll do very well.”
Still gripping his hand, she leaned forward as though to tell him a secret. “And you’re single, which is sad for us. You’re so handsome, too. Why do you like men?”
He squeezed her hand, unable to keep his lips from twitching. “Most of the same reasons you do.”
***
Promises with himself didn’t buy Zhou Mi sleep, when his mind had other plans. Like the excitement of matching new people. It had always been that way. Whether it was Kyuhyun or Sooyoung, or her brother, or a stranger, it was a new challenge. Kyuhyun he would try to fit in between those who were paying, but it didn’t lessen the hope for him. Zhou Mi figured his clients might be scared with the eagerness he embarked on their cases. At least they were in good hands.
As he pushed send on an email, his eyelids got almost too heavy to bear. The weight of them pushing him until he leaned his head heavily into both hands. Too many nights without sleep. He almost jerked himself out of it, the images of the morning creeping in, but he shoved them aside. Breathing, even. His mind blank, and malleable. The heavy sluggishness of sleep, lurking at the corners of his eyes. If he could just…
Zhou Mi traced his fingers down the smooth back. Warm. He had pressed kisses up every inch of that spine. All he wanted to do was press himself closer, warm himself against that skin. Kiss the curved neck, and inhale against the fragrant hair.
And he wouldn’t be called silly for it. Lovely.
Between them, there, the nightmares didn’t exist. He protected and was protected. And was loved.
He waited as the man in front of him shifted, and began to turn toward him. Waited for the face that hovered just out of sight of his memory. Breathless. Needing.
“Wakey wakey,” Eunhyuk chimed, and Zhou Mi jerked upright, the skin of his cheek burning from the blood rushing back into it.
He woke very much unsatisfied.
He hadn’t even heard Eunhyuk come in his office door, much less heard him leave and come back to the office. Though that he had was clear, because he was handing Zhou Mi a tall cup of what smelled like very strong tea.
“That’s what getting no sleep will get you,” Eunhyuk scolded. “Get some more sleep tonight, okay?”
“Sure. Eunhyuk. Thanks.”
Eunhyuk shot him a V and a wink, closing the office door behind himself. He didn’t mean to make it hard on Eunhyuk. He’d have to find a way to show Eunhyuk just how grateful he was. Again. For the thousandth time, but it was worth it to watch Eunhyuk’s mouth drop, and the smile grow at some gift or gesture. It was as good as buying something for himself, to see that happiness.
The little half dream Eunhyuk had woken him from wasn’t nearly as unsettling as the nightmares had been. But even that had felt not idyllic, but real and raw. The feeling he always hoped he got about himself - about who he was supposed to end up with. But try as he might, nothing ever came to him. He could match a hundred men to their ideal partners, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they were true. That the puzzle pieces lined up exact in his head.
But for himself, nothing. It was blank. All he could visualize was himself standing alone. When he tried adding another, it was like opposing magnets. Nothing fit, nothing even came close. Maybe he could amend the adage. “Those who can’t date, match.” He’d dated, all right. And he’d had good relationships and bad. But where it mattered most, the intuition he trusted most, he couldn’t even help himself. Not even in a simple dream. A faceless lover wasn’t going to guide him to the man he knew he was looking for. He had ideals and dreams high enough to reach the moon. Maybe he wanted too much. Maybe that was it.
Be patient, he told people. Not everyone finds love at the same time.
Funny how advice always seemed easier to be certain of when he didn’t have to believe it for himself.
But he pondered that gift for Eunhyuk, and that got him through the day.
***
Even if Sooyoung hadn’t know who or what he was talking about, her confidence that he should do something about it had made an impression. Though probably not the impression she’d been intending. It seemed since the moment he’d heard the man’s name, that was all his life had centered on. The driving urge to know. Know more, know for sure, figure out all the questions he’d had for over twenty years. That was a long time to wonder.
An unassuming name. Tablo.
Not even the nightmare he’d had the day after they had met had stemmed his need to know. And there were secrets he kept to himself, because what he’d told Sooyoung had been true. He couldn’t tell Sooyoung before he’d told Zhou Mi. And that he hadn’t told Zhou Mi told him just how deeply he was burying all of his feelings, because Zhou Mi was the person closest to him in the world out of anyone. It had come far enough that he almost dreaded telling Zhou Mi anything, in case Zhou Mi was angry at him for holding back. Hurt, maybe. But he didn’t really doubt that Zhou Mi would forgive him.
It was almost a test, really. Knocking on the edge of Tablo’s office door, and waiting to be looked at. To watch Tablo’s face shift from concentration, to recognition, face shifting to a smile as he was beckoned in.
“Eunhyuk. Come on in. How is it going?”
“Good,” Eunhyuk said, taking a seat by Tablo’s desk as it was offered. “I was passing by and thought I’d drop in. Nothing to do with Kyuhyun. He’s still doing fine.”
If Kyuhyun hadn’t done fine, he’d have had more reasons to be in Tablo’s office. An irony that competence had turned into a good thing on two sides. If he’d had to show up to criticize one of Tablo’s workers, that would have made everything he was trying to do that much more awkward.
“I’m really glad he’s enjoying it over there. It’s nice that your building is so close. Everything is okay with you?”
Eunhyuk nodded and fingered the paper he held.
“Yes, really good actually. Business is great, so I can’t complain. You?”
“Good, also. Almost the end of the week so we get some down time.”
It wasn’t prying. Just friendly conversation. Friendly, staring at Tablo’s face.
“What do you like doing when you’re away from all this?”
“Away from my castle? Or in my castle, rather,” Tablo laughed, letting his head fall the side. The gesture had Eunhyuk’s heart in his throat. So familiar, like a shadow in his memory. “I relax. I like reading. I fool with the guitar. Movies. New ones, old black and white ones. Yeah.”
“I play the guitar, too,” Eunhyuk nearly blurted.
It was not something they shared, as much as something that had been impressed upon Eunhyuk. What better way was there to feel close to someone, than picking up their hobbies. It had been an endless remembrance. Every time his fingers touched the strings, every chord. Remembering watching Tablo play, and the way his own fingers had been placed, and looking up at Tablo in awe. But he didn’t have time to get lost in his memories.
“We should get together sometime and jam, then. You might not know it but Kyuhyun has a pretty nice voice. You could invite Zhou Mi, too.”
His initial flash of hope dimmed as each successive person was named. Of course, it would be with a group. Tablo didn’t want to spend time alone with him. There was no reason. And there was the voice in the back of his head telling Eunhyuk that he hadn’t given Tablo a reason. But the problem was, Eunhyuk didn’t know if Tablo would want it if he had it. Or if his memories were only ones he wanted to forget.
“That sounds great,” Eunhyuk said and hoped it sounded as sincere as he really meant it to. “Hey, I don’t want to take up more of your day. Oh, and I’ve been passing out these. A little discount on the site, in case you’re looking to date.”
Both an offer, and a fishing expedition. Even if Tablo didn’t take him up on joining the site, Eunhyuk got to find out if he was involved with someone. He tried not to imagine Tablo actually joining. He’d have to tell Zhou Mi, just so Zhou Mi could put a password on Tablo’s information so that Eunhyuk could stay out of it.
But there was another clue, written on the card he handed to Tablo. A name. A name that he wondered if Tablo remembered or would recognize. Eunhyuk only knew what he wanted from Tablo in his most lucid moments. To remember, fully, and be glad. But there was the possibility of disgust. Indifference. And when he told himself to be rational, he found there was none left in him.
“Dating would take up too much time right now,” Tablo said, looking at the card, but not turning it over. “But hey, someday. Does this thing expire?”
“Not for you,” Eunhyuk told him.
Never for him.
***
Author: Coley Merrin
Pairings: Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun, Tablo/Eunhyuk
Other: Zhou Mi/other, Kyuhyun/other, Eunhyuk/Sooyoung, various
Rating: R
Genre: AU, crime, romance
Warnings: violence, death (not of main characters)
Summary: Zhou Mi’s focus is Heartstrings, a dating company where love is more than just a guarantee - it's in Zhou Mi’s blood. A matchmaking gift he’s used with gladness, until a series of murders has it shaping his nightmares.
Eunhyuk, his business partner, can’t let go of his tumultuous past. But finding a man he’s been looking for over half his life has repercussions not only for him, but for Zhou Mi and their future.
Chapter One * Chapter Two * Chapter Three * Chapter Four
***
Eunhyuk knew he loved Sooyoung. Pretty much somewhere between meeting her, and a few months later when she’d broken up with her parent-rejected boyfriend, he’d fallen for her. For her sense of humor, for her love of fun, that he could debate with her. And he wanted her, but it didn’t take anyone with much reason to see why. Half the reason he figured they hadn’t lasted as a couple was how quick they’d spun into their own relationship, before she’d healed from the previous one. And of course, he was just as unlikely to meet her parents’ approval. Part of what she found attractive about him, maybe. Of course that hadn’t been all of it. They’d spent about as much time talking in bed as they had spent having sex, which had been a novelty to him at that point. But the time together had been less and less, naturally declining until she’d gone to study abroad in Japan. And it had just seemed logical to call an end to it.
Which was why they’d parted as genial friends, and could look at each other four years later without a lot of personal baggage.
One dinner to catch up hadn’t been enough. So they’d gotten together a couple nights later as well. And it made some of the stress he was feeling just push to the back of his mind. For a while, he actually considered that maybe it was worth rekindling things between them. She was still beautiful, if not more so as she’d matured.
The obvious answer was no. No, he shouldn’t even consider it. It didn’t matter how well they got along, he had things to do, to accomplish. Not just business things, personal things. Things that he’d been working too hard to give up on. There was that little hope that he couldn’t give up on, even as he and Sooyoung met for dinner again. Sooyoung laughed against his side as they walked down the hall to his apartment. They’d look at old pictures and reminisce, and he’d see her home.
At least, that was the plan.
***
His heart had long since dropped out of thundering mode, coming out of a half doze when he felt the bed shift from a new weight on it. He held out his arm, letting Sooyoung curve into it, and against him.
“Mm, good,” she murmured, getting her head on his chest.
“Good.”
He felt he had had the right to be a little smug. A gorgeous woman in his bed, following great sex. It sure beat what he’d been doing for himself and sitting alone the past nights.
“Do you wonder sometimes why it didn’t work between us?” she asked, lifting her head enough that he could be distracted by her rumpled hair. His fingers almost itched to smooth it.
Of course, on the heels of that was, ah. Of course they’d get into a deep dissection of their past when he was still being glad for a roll between the sheets.
“Our pasts were too different, for one thing,” he said, sighing. “Your parents would’ve sent up a hundred fits if I’d even darkened the door.”
“I could’ve brought them around.”
Though she sounded confident, she quailed a little under his skeptical stare.
“We were great friends. I don’t know if we would’ve been great married.”
“Now great friends with great sex, eh?” she said. “I think about it sometimes. You’re so…comfortable. I don’t mean that badly. Obviously I have a good time with you.”
And had vocally let him know it not so many minutes before.
“You don’t need someone comfortable,” he told her, kissing the top of her head. “You need someone exciting. Someone who moves you. You’re beautiful. And smart, and funny. And I love you. I loved you.”
She nodded sagely against his chest, before sitting up and dragging most of the sheet with her. But before he had a chance to protest, she’d pinned him to the bed. “Who is she?”
“What?”
“Who is she? Everything you said, it had a “but” after it. You’re beautiful, but, and smart and funny but. And I love you, but. So who is she?”
His head felt too heavy to hold up any more, collapsing back into the pillow. He wasn’t ashamed. And he knew she was as open minded as he could hope, since they’d discussed Zhou Mi’s dating history before. But it was different when he had a mostly naked woman on top of him. Not just that, but one he cared about. A lot.
“Come on,” she said, prodding at his chest with a finger. “What can you possibly be embarrassed about? She has to be out of high school. Oh. Is she your granny’s age? Eunhyuk.”
“It’s a he,” he got out. “It’s a man.”
The shock was immediate, her eyes wide and fixed, and then searching his face as though he was going to start laughing. But it wasn’t a joke. A sound left her throat, and then she swallowed.
“So, this with us. Were you just… You were never attracted to me at all?”
“No,” he protested, and struggled up, so he could face her for real. Hold her still, before she got the wrong idea. “No. I’ve been attracted to as many women as I have men. It was always real for me with you.”
Inside he was pleading with her to understand. Her mouth firmed.
“So this guy, he’s different than all the others, then. Who is it?”
He let out a huge breath, resting his head on her shoulder. “There’s a really, really long story behind that. And I wish I could tell you now. You deserve it. But it has to wait. I haven’t even told Zhou Mi yet.”
“You mean he hasn’t divined it in one of your weekly mind melds?” she asked, not a little bit ironically.
“No. Smarty. He knows something is up though.”
“So why are you messing around with me, if there’s this guy waiting out there to get jumped by you?”
“It’s complicated, way more complicated than that. I’m really- Really sorry I can’t tell you.”
“Then I’ll wait.”
She went to salute, and almost dropped her sheet. He only half hid the leer.
“Thanks,” he said, and straightened her hair like he’d been meaning to for the last several minutes. He could tell she was laughing at him, but nothing he could do about that.
“How about I take your mind off of it for now?” she asked, eyes soft, and loved.
“Why don’t you?” he agreed, and tugged on the sheet to bring her closer. Both so he could kiss her, and to feel her skin against his.
***
It was nice to have company to eat breakfast with, even if it was a woman who kept squinting at him every so often as though to decide about what she had to say. Something had to be said, he knew that. They couldn’t just continue on as they’d been last night, or how they’d been the first time they were together. It had been an aberration. A nice one. If anything, the last time especially, had read kind of like a goodbye.
“I respect myself too much to be involved with you, just casual sex,” Sooyoung said at last, breaking their standoff over the cereal bowls. “Not only that, if there’s someone else, then you really need to go for him, and not stick around with second options.”
“I just wanted you to know that despite everything, I’m not cheating on him, with you. There’s no one else for me right now. And you should be no man’s second option.”
“If I hire Heartstrings, maybe I won’t be,” she said, laughter making her eyes dance.
He tried to imagine matching her up with another man, and sure, there was that niggle of jealousy. They loved each other, were good together in bed. He’d had the same reaction when she’d started dating after they broke up the first time. One of the many reasons it had been a bad idea to sleep together again.
“Zhou Mi would be able to match you,” he said. “For obvious reasons, I wouldn’t take point. I might tell all the men you’re a terror.”
At least he had the reflexes to duck when she threw her napkin at him.
“I was thinking, too,” she said, and he began to feel a little scared. “Since you clearly aren’t with this guy, then I want to help you if I can. Matchmaking assistant, Sooyoung, at your service!”
It was apprehension, amusement, and affection, all rolled into one.
***
“Eunhyuk!”
Kyuhyun’s head went up at the panicked sound from the back office. His head immediately turned to make sure that Eunhyuk was there, and had heard the clear cry for help. What Eunhyuk was doing was standing and rolling his eyes.
“That right there is the distress cry of a Zhou Mi in need of computer help,” Eunhyuk said as though he were teaching a biology class. “Why don’t you come in with me, since you might be doing this more than I will.”
No IM for help that time. Kyuhyun followed Eunhyuk into Zhou Mi’s office, squeezing back beside the window so he could see what was going on. Zhou Mi was frowning and jiggling his mouse as they came in, so he had at least a couple of ideas on what it might be.
“It’s a frozen program,” Eunhyuk said flatly.
“No,” Zhou Mi said, his tone stubborn. “I know that. I’m not stupid. I was entering in all this information, and it just stopped responding. But-“
“Can you take this?” Eunhyuk asked, fond exasperation all over his face when he looked at Kyuhyun.
“Sure.”
“You’re in good hands now. He’ll slay the computer monster for you,” Eunhyuk said, and patted Zhou Mi’s shoulder before going back out.
“He talks to me like I’m five and don’t know a computer from a hole in the ground,” Zhou Mi complained, sighing.
Well. No use dragging out the suspense.
“Auto-save should’ve kept your work,” Kyuhyun said. “Eunhyuk said he’d made sure it was set up. So you might lose up to five minutes of work, but not more. You just have to force quit and re-open the program. It’ll prompt you to open your saved draft.”
He waited a beat, in case Zhou Mi was going to tell him that he didn’t know how to do that, but Zhou Mi dutifully did as Kyuhyun asked. The file opened, and Zhou Mi checked over it with concerned noises.
“Oh. Thank goodness. It’s just missing a few. What did people do before auto-save?”
“They got really good at saving really often,” Kyuhyun said, laughing. “I’ve lost a lot of school papers that way.”
“Ugh, I know. Oh, hey. While I have you in here, how are you at PowerPoint?” Zhou Mi asked. And the simple act of Zhou Mi not standing meant Kyuhyun was mostly trapped unless he wanted to vault the desk.
“Decent? I’m not going to win any awards, but it generally looks all right.”
“Good. I’ve been doodling out designs for what I’m thinking about for our new login page. The site hasn’t undergone a revamp in over a year, and I’m not wanting any huge changes, but it’s time for something new.”
“Okay. You want me to mock it up then?”
“Please. I have my sketches…” Zhou Mi rifled in a stack of papers. “Oh. Here. I had a couple of different ones. I think we should stick to about the same color scheme. Doesn’t have to be exact in the trial, just to give an idea. I was toying with the idea of a background? Or pictures. I don’t know. Go basic, go crazy. Anything you do will help me get my mind around it.”
He really, really couldn’t help himself.
“You do know how to make a presentation, right?”
Zhou Mi blinked at him for several seconds before slapping his shoulder. “Brat. Yes. I just haven’t done it in a while. But I’ll leave you to do that in here. I need to go over this month’s financials with Eunhyuk, anyway. I’ll look forward to your brilliant work when I get back.”
“No pressure,” Kyuhyun said blithely, smirking up as Zhou Mi stood.
“I always expect excellence,” Zhou Mi informed him, and sailed out the door.
And then sailed back in two seconds later to retrieve his folder for the meeting with Eunhyuk. Kyuhyun just received a cluck of the tongue for his obvious failure to hide his laugh.
But he cued up the program on Zhou Mi’s computer anyway, and stared at the empty spreadsheet. He’d seen Heartstrings’ login page approximately seven billion times, so that wasn’t the problem. The problem was deciphering Zhou Mi’s sketches. There were four, in various levels of progress. With scrawled notes, some that weren’t in Korean. It was drawn fairly well. But like him and the program, Zhou Mi wasn’t going to get called on to do competition work.
He sighed, and started with the background. The rest was pretty simple, just pasting in the logo, creating boxes to stand in for log in buttons and entry forms. Adding text, and moving things around. He was serious on the first one, not really knowing how long winded Zhou Mi and Eunhyuk were going to be about money. When it was clear he had time to spare, he did what Zhou Mi had suggested, and went crazy. His own brand of crazy.
Though if he were working on a site for himself, he wouldn’t be playing with hearts. Figuratively or literally. He had four, fairly similar though different versions by the time he sat back and stared around. He didn’t usually have a lot of time in Zhou Mi’s office to just look. Zhou Mi’s outbox was edged by little hanging phone straps that looked like they were from different locations, and he resisted the urge to poke them. Maybe matching up to the postcards and pictures that Zhou Mi had on his walls. The office itself was just big enough for a little storage closet, Zhou Mi’s desk, and a chair for meetings.
And he shot upright in the chair when he heard footsteps.
“How’d it go?” Zhou Mi asked, beaming and dragging the chair around so he could sit beside Kyuhyun.
“Good,” he said. And debated. Show Zhou Mi the real ones first, or the joke?
Well, the joke had to have a lead-up he guessed. He pulled up the first one, in muted browns, and blues. It made the maroon and pink logo stand out even more. Zhou Mi hummed, and hmmed, his hand on Kyuhyun’s shoulder, half leaning into him.
“I like that one. Kind of understated, but classy. Doesn’t scream we’re totally juvenile.”
Ah. And that was time for the joke.
The next one still had browns and blues, but the main background was full of cascading hearts and cherubs. Cupid indeed.
Zhou Mi’s laugh was instantaneous and loud, standing all the way up as he hooted and stared at the screen.
“Look,” Zhou Mi said, his voice trembling with mirth. “it doesn’t have to be hearts all over. There is such a thing as restraint.”
Kyuhyun stared up Zhou Mi’s body. All six feet of it, with red pants and some kind of spangled top. “You’re being serious?”
“The site, not me! I’m not trying to sell myself.”
Kyuhyun cackled and clicked on the next one. “Good thing that was a fake one, then.”
He got several nudges to his shoulder, but Zhou Mi managed to get himself seated again, with just a little more laughter.
“That was a good joke,” Zhou Mi admired. Considering he couldn’t stop smirking, boy how Kyuhyun knew it. “Oh, but I like this one you did.”
They spent most of the hour that way, Zhou Mi leaning into his shoulder as they tinkered with the mocked-up site. And it had been more fun than he ever would’ve counted on. Zhou Mi’s perfectionism and all. It was nice to know that they worked well together, too.
***
As a grown man, there were plenty of things that Zhou Mi didn’t enjoy doing. Going to the dentist, disposing of bugs, slogging through snow. Growing up hadn’t meant avoiding everything he didn’t like. And some things he took on himself, because he knew they needed doing, whether he liked it or not. Responsibilities he accepted. He’d done most of the accounting for Heartstrings the first year before Eunhyuk had taken it over. He was, most days, aware of his competency at life and as a human being. Days he wasn’t, usually he still had some hope of surviving and getting through it. No one started a business without having a little hope.
But he questioned his sanity, a little, as he walked up to street level on a warm Saturday.
It had been only a few days since he had seen the woman from his nightmare on the newspaper cover. A few days of wondering about his sanity. Maybe it was his imagination, but the woman’s face was burned into his eyes. Maybe he was imagining things, but it had happened in the middle of the night he dreamed it. No way he could’ve read of it first.
He’d read every article he could find on the murder, like a sickness. He knew she’d been stabbed. Coming home in the middle of the night from visiting family, because her child was sick. Killed within sight of her home. His stomach had ground the entire time he read, tight band in his throat, but otherwise strangely detached.
It had been simple searching to find out where she had lived. And he considered it another test. The pictures online had looked familiar, but he was still trying to explain that away. Maybe he’d been there. Gotten off at a totally unfamiliar subway stop, and seen a neighborhood he’d never heard of.
Zhou Mi walked as though he had no purpose, dreading, hoping. That nothing would be the same, that he could leave and count it as a fluke. It was warm, but he was not, in a thin sport jacket. He wished it was winter, that he could bundle in a thick coat. It would have more suited his mood. Maybe armor he didn’t really need.
It was more than unease. Even if he coached himself that he wouldn’t see anything, he didn’t believe it. There were cars parked along where he walked, and he passed a few people before he turned onto the street he was looking for.
It wasn’t that instantaneous flash of recognition. More like water sinking into soil. The closer he got, the more he knew. The more he wanted to stop. The more he couldn’t.
There was no outline of a body. Dark marks on the concrete, where a body had spilled. He wondered if they could take that up. Make it clean again. Wondered who would do it.
And his eyes darted from place to place, building the memory, even as he tried to fight it. The street light, the curb, the steps, the chunk missing from sidewalk, her fingerstheknifethesoundofthechild’sscreams, the-
He pivoted, and wanted to sprint. Wanted to run until his heart gave out and made it only 50 feet a brisk walk, leaning back against a building his his hand over his mouth and trying not to hyperventilate. It was exactly as he’d seen. The feel of it creeping up his back like icy fingers, as though the killer still lurked, knife in hand.
It had been a mistake to go. A mistake. He could’ve forgotten, but then to know-
He hadn’t been there before. He knew that. It was a nightmare, and maybe more. But he hadn’t seen anything to help. Not a face, not a name. Only pain. Too much pain.
He managed to get himself moving again, before someone called the police on him. A suspicious man in a red jacket wheezing on the street. Red. He wondered if he’d chosen that color subconsciously, since he’d known where he’d be going. Or if he chose it because he knew he needed something bold, to make him bold.
He didn’t go home, where he would only think. Getting scalding tea, and browsing in stores for hours, but finding no pleasure in it. Until he felt faint, having eaten almost nothing. Eating prepared rice from a convenience store, the only thing he could stomach. He pondered going to the gym, and realized he’d hurt himself if he tried.
He didn’t try to drown himself in the shower, but imagining he never had to leave it helped.
Sleep was fleeting, tumbling his mind like a dryer on endless cycles. But at last, he rested, when he promised himself that he knew it was real. And if there was anything he could do to help, he would do it.
***
There were few things that Zhou Mi enjoyed more than matching. It had the moments of utter frustration, helplessness, futility. But there was always a goal to look for, a summit to attain. Day by day, new ones appeared, and new challenges arose. Making sure their automated business grew, to make sure the choices were always flowing. Making sure the people he worked with one-on-one were happy. It bumped up his cheer level in the morning, almost as much as his morning tea did, knowing he had a day with a lot of possibilities. He knew he was lucky, to be able to do something he was good at. Something he quite honestly adore, with everything he had shoved back into his mind to forget.
And he did love matching his friends as well. Most of them paid no fees, and sometimes the matches went little further than the group of people Zhou Mi knew. It was ironic and strange, and somewhat beautiful, how somehow people meant to be sometimes gravitated into the same circles.
Those were the weddings he cried hardest at. Overjoyed by knowing people he loved had a chance at loving. Eunhyuk cried too, though they razzed each other about it.
It made him antsy to begin the process for Kyuhyun. Even the time they had spent together, the dinners out, the chats in the office, or Kyuhyun playing Eunhyuk’s replacement guard, there were still mysteries. He contemplated it sometimes, rolling his chair over and staring at the Kyuhyun’s back. Of course, usually only when he hit a lull and had a chance. What kind of person would be best suited for Kyuhyun? At first he’d seemed quiet, but there was humor in his voice and his expressions. The occasional uninhibited laugh told Zhou Mi a lot of good things about him. Focused on his tasks, analytical. Someone who could lead without being a bully.
Hands that could be tender, but not too giving. Not selfless. A man who knew who he was, what he could do. And who wanted to also work at being better.
And those were just things that Zhou Mi knew offhand. He began sending Kyuhyun the questionnaires, to fill out. They were all online and confidential, but Zhou Mi looked over them all with interest. Kyuhyun’s birth date, his family background, employment and education. Running his finger down the list and letting details run into himself. Kyuhyun was a man of the technology age. He enjoyed computers, games. Television and movies. Reading. Dogs. Not so much for sports, but visited the gym.
He had a love for family, and Zhou Mi detected a slight yearning for a family of his own, even if Kyuhyun had left the section on children intentionally blank. And that wasn’t all.
“Do you have a moment for us to start your profile?” Zhou Mi asked, IMing him. “Let me know when you’re not in the middle of something.”
“Free now, Kyuhyun messaged back. “Should I come in?”
Kyuhyun closed the door behind himself, at Zhou Mi’s urging, taking the chair beside Zhou Mi’s desk. His face was neutral, studied, posture slightly slouched and defensive. As though he were expected to be reamed, instead of helped.
“Thank you for filling out all the questionnaires I sent,” Zhou Mi said, smiling and hoping to put Kyuhyun a little at ease. “I can imagine it’s hard to fill out those kinds of things, knowing your boss will see them. But you shouldn’t worry. It was fun getting to know a little more about you. And anything you shared is just between us.”
“Won’t it go up on the site?” Kyuhyun asked.
“No. Some of it, but we’ll create your profile, together. I always want to do more for people than I say I’m going to.”
Kyuhyun blinked at him, sitting up straighter. “So you’re going to do the matching yourself?”
“If that’s all right with you.”
“Wow. Well. You know more about it than I do. Thank you. I mean, as long as it’s not too much trouble. I could just do it myself, if it was.”
Zhou Mi waved him off. “No. I’m happy to do it. Eunhyuk might say I’m a bit of a busybody. So as long as you’re wanting to look, I want to help you.”
And it was a joy to watch Kyuhyun chuckle as he swiped at some of the hair on his forehead. “Busybody away, then.”
And that was his cue to start diving in. There was one question in particular that Kyuhyun had filled out. And there was no easy way of getting around asking it, and no way Zhou Mi could begin to match without it.
“You put down that it was man you would be looking for.”
Kyuhyun stared at him, as though that was the last question on earth he expected to be asked. Of course, to many people in the city, the question would be cut and dried. Obvious, predetermined. But it wasn’t obvious. Far from being cut and dried. Kyuhyun filling that out told him some things, but not everything.
“And that’s okay,” Zhou Mi told him. “Eunhyuk has dated both men and women, and doesn’t mind me saying so. I’ve only dated men. It’s one of the things Eunhyuk and I talked about a lot when we started this place. We’re not crusading, but we want to make sure everyone has a fair, safe place.”
It wasn’t the first time he’d made that speech. Sadly, he knew it wouldn’t be the last. But Kyuhyun nodded slightly, and met his eyes. Zhou Mi could see the decision in them.
“Yes. A man. Is who I’d be looking for.”
Zhou Mi nodded as well. They made it so people could meet and date, but Zhou Mi had never turned away someone who needed guidance. Eunhyuk called him a little too soft that way, but sometimes there was no one else. And he didn’t want to think he was telling someone that there never would be. And the question he had wasn’t to pry. It was more to ascertain how comfortable Kyuhyun was with himself, and how to take the next steps. If there were any.
“Does anyone know?”
Kyuhyun nodded. “A couple of my friends. Not my family. And I have dated men before.”
“Okay. If you have any concerns about what I’m doing, or think of anything that will help me point you toward someone right for you, don’t hesitate to tell me. I’m not in this for my ego. And everyone is different.”
The tilt of Kyuhyun’s head was telling, as was the averting of his eyes. And Zhou Mi waited for Kyuhyun to speak.
“I don’t think I’d be doing this if it was anywhere else. You want to be right. Not so you can get it done fast, but as good as it can be. And I admire that.”
Touched, was the only word Zhou Mi could come up with. Kyuhyun wasn’t exactly his protege, though he liked to think that they were at the very least beginning to be friends. And to know Kyuhyun respected what he did, bubbled warmth through him.
“Thank you. That means a lot. And I’ll start working, so we can hopefully find you some kick-ass guys to choose from,” Zhou Mi said, offering his fist for Kyuhyun to bump.
Kyuhyun’s laugh rose, eyes taking the light.
“Sounds like a plan.”
***
It seemed it was the day for getting people set up. Zhou Mi grinned, and waved Sooyoung into the office so she could get comfortable. Eunhyuk had set up a preliminary meeting for Sooyoung, since she had decided to join alongside Siwon. It wasn’t the first time he’d dealt with siblings, but definitely not two so simultaneously. She had all the same paperwork filled out that Kyuhyun had. Background information, what she was looking for in a boyfriend, a husband. The difference was that he knew her, and knew Siwon only slightly. It was not a factor that would make matching Siwon less doable, or make Sooyoung’s easier. There were far many more factors than that.
Most of the first meetings like that were for Zhou Mi to get an idea of character, to go over information and see if he had questions or needed clarifications. Some people when trying to date gave the best information about themselves, thinking that was what would make people want them. But it wasn’t always the most honest assessment, and wading through those pitfalls made Zhou Mi’s job easier, and the end result more pleasing for everyone. No one wanted to marry their ideal, only to find a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It was all well and good to try and change, or to think of giving up part of themselves. But to find a person that meshed, that complimented, was Zhou Mi’s greatest hope.
But maybe her experience with Siwon’s questionnaires, or speaking to Eunhyuk, had done her well. Because the only main points he’d wanted to speak about were the traits she wanted. How her personality meshed with another’s. It wasn’t enough that he had seen her interact with Eunhyuk years before. She had been younger, and Eunhyuk was himself. It was different, person to person.
“I’ve wanted to get married fairly young,” Sooyoung told him. “I do want to be a mother and a wife, so I really am glad you agreed to take me on.”
“We want for you exactly what you want. I hope you have lots of friends you’ll suggest join, too,” Zhou Mi said subtly.
“You’ll use a client as advertisement?”
“You’re not a client as much as you are a frie- Hey!” Zhou Mi just barely ducked out of the way of her striking hand, laughing. “That was a compliment, you know!”
Satisfied, she relaxed back. “I know.”
He considered her, slipping back into his duty. And he offered his hand, waiting until she took it, because he wanted that connection as they talked.
“As your mentor here, I just wanted to ask. Eunhyuk didn’t tell me everything, but were you..hoping to rekindle a relationship with him?”
“Am I just rebounding do you mean?” she asked. “No. I do love him, and dating him again would have been comfortable. I think it’s a good idea for me to have someone to focus on.”
That encouraged him greatly. “Good. I’m glad. I think you’ll do very well.”
Still gripping his hand, she leaned forward as though to tell him a secret. “And you’re single, which is sad for us. You’re so handsome, too. Why do you like men?”
He squeezed her hand, unable to keep his lips from twitching. “Most of the same reasons you do.”
***
Promises with himself didn’t buy Zhou Mi sleep, when his mind had other plans. Like the excitement of matching new people. It had always been that way. Whether it was Kyuhyun or Sooyoung, or her brother, or a stranger, it was a new challenge. Kyuhyun he would try to fit in between those who were paying, but it didn’t lessen the hope for him. Zhou Mi figured his clients might be scared with the eagerness he embarked on their cases. At least they were in good hands.
As he pushed send on an email, his eyelids got almost too heavy to bear. The weight of them pushing him until he leaned his head heavily into both hands. Too many nights without sleep. He almost jerked himself out of it, the images of the morning creeping in, but he shoved them aside. Breathing, even. His mind blank, and malleable. The heavy sluggishness of sleep, lurking at the corners of his eyes. If he could just…
Zhou Mi traced his fingers down the smooth back. Warm. He had pressed kisses up every inch of that spine. All he wanted to do was press himself closer, warm himself against that skin. Kiss the curved neck, and inhale against the fragrant hair.
And he wouldn’t be called silly for it. Lovely.
Between them, there, the nightmares didn’t exist. He protected and was protected. And was loved.
He waited as the man in front of him shifted, and began to turn toward him. Waited for the face that hovered just out of sight of his memory. Breathless. Needing.
“Wakey wakey,” Eunhyuk chimed, and Zhou Mi jerked upright, the skin of his cheek burning from the blood rushing back into it.
He woke very much unsatisfied.
He hadn’t even heard Eunhyuk come in his office door, much less heard him leave and come back to the office. Though that he had was clear, because he was handing Zhou Mi a tall cup of what smelled like very strong tea.
“That’s what getting no sleep will get you,” Eunhyuk scolded. “Get some more sleep tonight, okay?”
“Sure. Eunhyuk. Thanks.”
Eunhyuk shot him a V and a wink, closing the office door behind himself. He didn’t mean to make it hard on Eunhyuk. He’d have to find a way to show Eunhyuk just how grateful he was. Again. For the thousandth time, but it was worth it to watch Eunhyuk’s mouth drop, and the smile grow at some gift or gesture. It was as good as buying something for himself, to see that happiness.
The little half dream Eunhyuk had woken him from wasn’t nearly as unsettling as the nightmares had been. But even that had felt not idyllic, but real and raw. The feeling he always hoped he got about himself - about who he was supposed to end up with. But try as he might, nothing ever came to him. He could match a hundred men to their ideal partners, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they were true. That the puzzle pieces lined up exact in his head.
But for himself, nothing. It was blank. All he could visualize was himself standing alone. When he tried adding another, it was like opposing magnets. Nothing fit, nothing even came close. Maybe he could amend the adage. “Those who can’t date, match.” He’d dated, all right. And he’d had good relationships and bad. But where it mattered most, the intuition he trusted most, he couldn’t even help himself. Not even in a simple dream. A faceless lover wasn’t going to guide him to the man he knew he was looking for. He had ideals and dreams high enough to reach the moon. Maybe he wanted too much. Maybe that was it.
Be patient, he told people. Not everyone finds love at the same time.
Funny how advice always seemed easier to be certain of when he didn’t have to believe it for himself.
But he pondered that gift for Eunhyuk, and that got him through the day.
***
Even if Sooyoung hadn’t know who or what he was talking about, her confidence that he should do something about it had made an impression. Though probably not the impression she’d been intending. It seemed since the moment he’d heard the man’s name, that was all his life had centered on. The driving urge to know. Know more, know for sure, figure out all the questions he’d had for over twenty years. That was a long time to wonder.
An unassuming name. Tablo.
Not even the nightmare he’d had the day after they had met had stemmed his need to know. And there were secrets he kept to himself, because what he’d told Sooyoung had been true. He couldn’t tell Sooyoung before he’d told Zhou Mi. And that he hadn’t told Zhou Mi told him just how deeply he was burying all of his feelings, because Zhou Mi was the person closest to him in the world out of anyone. It had come far enough that he almost dreaded telling Zhou Mi anything, in case Zhou Mi was angry at him for holding back. Hurt, maybe. But he didn’t really doubt that Zhou Mi would forgive him.
It was almost a test, really. Knocking on the edge of Tablo’s office door, and waiting to be looked at. To watch Tablo’s face shift from concentration, to recognition, face shifting to a smile as he was beckoned in.
“Eunhyuk. Come on in. How is it going?”
“Good,” Eunhyuk said, taking a seat by Tablo’s desk as it was offered. “I was passing by and thought I’d drop in. Nothing to do with Kyuhyun. He’s still doing fine.”
If Kyuhyun hadn’t done fine, he’d have had more reasons to be in Tablo’s office. An irony that competence had turned into a good thing on two sides. If he’d had to show up to criticize one of Tablo’s workers, that would have made everything he was trying to do that much more awkward.
“I’m really glad he’s enjoying it over there. It’s nice that your building is so close. Everything is okay with you?”
Eunhyuk nodded and fingered the paper he held.
“Yes, really good actually. Business is great, so I can’t complain. You?”
“Good, also. Almost the end of the week so we get some down time.”
It wasn’t prying. Just friendly conversation. Friendly, staring at Tablo’s face.
“What do you like doing when you’re away from all this?”
“Away from my castle? Or in my castle, rather,” Tablo laughed, letting his head fall the side. The gesture had Eunhyuk’s heart in his throat. So familiar, like a shadow in his memory. “I relax. I like reading. I fool with the guitar. Movies. New ones, old black and white ones. Yeah.”
“I play the guitar, too,” Eunhyuk nearly blurted.
It was not something they shared, as much as something that had been impressed upon Eunhyuk. What better way was there to feel close to someone, than picking up their hobbies. It had been an endless remembrance. Every time his fingers touched the strings, every chord. Remembering watching Tablo play, and the way his own fingers had been placed, and looking up at Tablo in awe. But he didn’t have time to get lost in his memories.
“We should get together sometime and jam, then. You might not know it but Kyuhyun has a pretty nice voice. You could invite Zhou Mi, too.”
His initial flash of hope dimmed as each successive person was named. Of course, it would be with a group. Tablo didn’t want to spend time alone with him. There was no reason. And there was the voice in the back of his head telling Eunhyuk that he hadn’t given Tablo a reason. But the problem was, Eunhyuk didn’t know if Tablo would want it if he had it. Or if his memories were only ones he wanted to forget.
“That sounds great,” Eunhyuk said and hoped it sounded as sincere as he really meant it to. “Hey, I don’t want to take up more of your day. Oh, and I’ve been passing out these. A little discount on the site, in case you’re looking to date.”
Both an offer, and a fishing expedition. Even if Tablo didn’t take him up on joining the site, Eunhyuk got to find out if he was involved with someone. He tried not to imagine Tablo actually joining. He’d have to tell Zhou Mi, just so Zhou Mi could put a password on Tablo’s information so that Eunhyuk could stay out of it.
But there was another clue, written on the card he handed to Tablo. A name. A name that he wondered if Tablo remembered or would recognize. Eunhyuk only knew what he wanted from Tablo in his most lucid moments. To remember, fully, and be glad. But there was the possibility of disgust. Indifference. And when he told himself to be rational, he found there was none left in him.
“Dating would take up too much time right now,” Tablo said, looking at the card, but not turning it over. “But hey, someday. Does this thing expire?”
“Not for you,” Eunhyuk told him.
Never for him.
***