Title: The Life I Live
Author: Coley Merrin
Rating: R overall
Pairings: Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun
Genre: AU, fantasy, angst, romance
Summary: He woke in a world that wasn't his own, to the eyes of a tiger. What he found in an idyll forest was uncertainty, trust, and the most elusive emotion of all...
Fic Archive ***
Part One *
Part Two *
Part Three *
Part Four * Part Five *
Part Six ***
Realizing he had fallen hard for his companion did not seem to really change anything, not at first. They grinned at each other over breakfast, and Zhou Mi’s eyes flickering to his mouth sent tendrils of heat through him. Zhou Mi knew what the press of lips against skin was called, but not how it was mouth to mouth. Was it possible to spend hours contemplating Zhou Mi’s mouth, he wondered. It seemed he did rather well on it.
He had tried, at least once more, to press his lips to Zhou Mi’s, and had been avoided. Zhou Mi had looked...confused, and anxious by the action, and he had not tried since. Perhaps it was because it was forbidden, and that was why he obsessed over it...
Kyuhyun wondered if he looked like some kind of wood sprite, leaves poking in his hair and skin a bit smudged by the earth, though Zhou Mi did his best to soak him in the river as often as possible. Zhou Mi, on the other hand, looked pristine. He wondered if he picked up a handful of mud and smeared it on Zhou Mi’s chest if it would just fall away. The expression on Zhou Mi’s face might be worth it. Every expression of Zhou Mi’s face was worth it.
It wasn’t even an option to lie to himself any longer, that he found Zhou Mi appealing in every way. As the cloth around Zhou Mi’s hips loosened, his breath caught, a surge of heat flowing through him. He scrubbed at his flushed cheeks with his hands, and reached to touch. He became more determined at Zhou Mi’s quiet moan, petting the soft insides of his thighs, and doing what he had wanted to for some time: beginning to pleasure Zhou Mi with his mouth. Zhou Mi’s hips were restless, his moans needy, and Kyuhyun fed greedily on those sensations. He came nearly without a touch as Zhou Mi’s fingers tightened in his hair and he let out a sweet and satisfying cry. Yes, he had felt Zhou Mi’s pleasure, and Zhou Mi had felt his. He licked his lips in pride, seeing the bliss on Zhou Mi’s sweaty face. He kissed Zhou Mi’s shoulder, curling to him.
It took little time before Zhou Mi had other ideas, rolling Kyuhyun onto his back with purpose in his eyes. It seemed he was going to be repaid.
Perhaps he still felt a little languid as he was prepared and entered, but not for long.
Lust, he felt crazed with it, his hands racing over Zhou Mi’s back, his neck, his hair, urging him deeper, faster.
“Zhou Mi!” he gasped, over and over, and it seemed that each time Zhou Mi heard his own name, the fire grew hotter, thrusts stronger, until it was a blur, stranded on a plateau that had no end.
He was very much afraid he might have screamed as the pleasure engulfed him.
It took a while to unwind from that, laying together, as the forest changed from day to afternoon. He had found something he had never expected.
He whispered, “Zhou Mi,” and pressed his own fingers to his lips, reaching to lay them gently against the sleeping Zhou Mi’s mouth.
***
The rain began again, splattering warmly on his naked back. At first it did not concern him, comfortable as he was beside Zhou Mi. But Zhou Mi began to stir, rousing him slightly, and he realized not only was the rain warm, but it was stinging him. He watched a droplet roll off of Zhou Mi’s stomach, the usually clear water nearly black.
They stood together, Zhou Mi pushing him back further under the largest, expansive tree, and began to rub the black rain from Kyuhyun’s skin.
“Kui Xian,” Zhou Mi said quite severely, pointing to the ground. He guided Kyuhyun down to sit on the soft earth, and Kyuhyun steadied himself as the heavy tiger skin was spread over him. A protection from any stray droplets. “Kui Xian.”
“Stay. I get it. I get it.” He squeezed Zhou Mi’s hand, and relaxed against the tree in order to show him that he would stay. He wasn’t sure what was going on, but it wasn’t good. “Be careful.”
Reading his anxiety, Zhou Mi nuzzled his cheek, kissing his neck gently before standing, and racing into the trees. He had disappeared before Kyuhyun could draw in another breath.
***
It began to rain harder as night fell, and he could see the droplets streaming off of the tiger’s fur, though none dribbled in to touch him. He dared not extend a hand to see if it was still black, and in the gloom it was hard to tell otherwise.
He felt an uncommon amount of anxiety. After the incident with the bird, he did not think of Zhou Mi as invincible. And this rain was worrying to him. If it could hurt Zhou Mi, if he were out there in this downpour... And there Kyuhyun was, curled in the hollow of a tree, a tiger pelt over his head, with nothing to do but sit and think and worry. He dared not move, knowing not only would Zhou Mi be upset if he did, but he wanted no chance of getting parted from Zhou Mi at all. He hoped Zhou Mi would always be able to find him, but he was taking no chances.
Because it was impossible for him to sleep, he saw immediately when Zhou Mi’s legs came into view. His fingers twisted together as he waited, waiting for Zhou Mi to get slowly closer. He looked exhausted, face haggard and body drooping as he sank beside Kyuhyun.
“Kui Xian?” he whispered, as though Kyuhyun could have possibly been asleep. He held out a hand, and Kyuhyun bypassed it, hugging Zhou Mi tightly to him.
“Zhou Mi,” he said, burying his face in Zhou Mi’s neck.
It was like they were trying to crawl inside each other, like children trying to drive the nightmares away, his hands sliding over Zhou Mi’s skin, Zhou Mi’s arms trembling as they pressed together.
“Kui Xian...”
“What happened? What took so long?” he asked futilely. The language barrier between them had never been so frustrating.
Zhou Mi turned slightly, letting him go to reach down and draw a crude bird in the mud, complete with a tail so that Kyuhyun knew he meant a death bird. He then mimed it flying up into the sky, and with a sound effect, Zhou Mi’s hands mimed an explosion.
Kyuhyun felt a little ill as he thought about it. One of the death birds had breached the barrier high in the air, flying up and up until it had destructed itself. The rain had been full of its toxic body. He ran a hand over his shoulder as though to brush it from him again.
“Is everything okay now?” Kyuhyun asked, gesturing to the forest around them, and pointing to his smile.
Zhou Mi indicated that was so, and crawled beneath the skin, pressing his chest to Kyuhyun’s back, and releasing a loud sigh as they relaxed into each other.
“Kui Xian,” he murmured.
Kyuhyun stroked Zhou Mi’s hand, massaging his tense fingers. Zhou Mi purred against his neck, as though he were trying to purposely keep himself awake.
“Sleep,” he said, stroking Zhou Mi’s arm, turning his head a tiny bit so that Zhou Mi could see his smile.
Outside of their little shelter, the rain continued through the night, washing the forest clean.
***
Zhou Mi was sitting beside him when he woke, chin on his knees as he stared out into the trees blankly. Kyuhyun pushed back the pelt a little, breathing in the clean, damp air. The rain had stopped, and the light was soft and bright in the early morning.
When he looked back, their eyes caught, and he breathed in something else entirely. Desire.
“Zhou Mi...”
Zhou Mi stood at Kyuhyun’s voice, whipping the pelt away and when it was spread on the ground, pulling Kyuhyun close. He had never known Zhou Mi to be that quick, rolling on top of him even before his back was fully straight. It wasn’t that he didn’t want it. It wasn’t that he wasn’t used to it. But he didn’t know what Zhou Mi was so urgent for. Or why he was acting as though Kyuhyun was liable to stand up and walk away before they could finish, pinning Kyuhyun’s arms. If he couldn’t feel Kyuhyun was just as heated as he was...
He raised his eyes to Zhou Mi’s, stifling a moan at the wistful need he saw there. His eyes flicked to Zhou Mi’s lips, craving that connection like he had wanted nothing else. He wanted... He wanted...
Zhou Mi lowered his head, their breath mingling for a long moment, and ever so gently their mouths met, unsure and seeking. Tingles raced down his body and he gasped, his whole body jerking stiff.
The sound of traffic roared in his ears, the scent of acrid city blown on too-hot wind between impossibly tall buildings. His back hit the wall in hallway of his office, the scent of flowers overwhelming him as Zhou Mi pressed him there, his mouth hot against Kyuhyun’s.
It was the scent of rain in him, in his narrow bathroom, the shower hot above them as Zhou Mi knelt in front of him, worshipped him with his mouth.
The scent of the earth, the trees, came over him as he gritted his teeth, pleasure high as he felt Zhou Mi’s hips move quick against his, his body pressed over the edge of his sturdy mattress by the weight of Zhou Mi... Zhou Mi, Zhou Mi in every place he had been, pressed to him, whispering to him, “Come for me, Kui Xian...”...
He came as the vision faded, the taste of Zhou Mi’s mouth, the touch of his tongue to Kyuhyun’s, enough to overwhelm him. Was that why they had never kissed before, he wondered dimly. Because it shared too much... He had shared with this man every secret of his body, but somehow in that awkward kiss he felt as though he had shared his soul.
As his body shuddered with pleasure, he felt Zhou Mi fall with him.
***
Zhou Mi rested beside him, shoulder to shoulder on the tiger pelt.
“That was your world that we saw?” Zhou Mi questioned, whispering.
“Yes.”
“It was so harsh... There is no beauty in it.”
Kyuhyun sighed, staring up into the canopy. “But there is... Beyond the bonds between people, there are areas of green. Big parks where people go. And there are places unspoiled by man. They still exist.”
“And you like it there.”
“It was all I knew.”
Zhou Mi reached over, stroked his cheek and he turned at the touch. “Now I know why we were told never to kiss... To see things more than we knew. I should never have seen those things. But you...you are a temptation I cannot...”
Kyuhyun moaned as Zhou Mi kissed him, hand light on Zhou Mi’s shoulder. This time, there were no visions to distract, just the feel of lips, of gently teasing teeth, the taste of each other.
Zhou Mi moved against him, cuddling him closer as they kissed. “It is not possible to want you more than I do, Kui Xian,” Zhou Mi murmured.
It was with a gasp that Kyuhyun pulled away, the afterglow of sex, the heady drug of Zhou Mi’s kiss, finally letting through one important point.
“You’re talking... Really talking!”
In a voice as sweet as the babbling of a stream, he had spoken.
Zhou Mi kissed the inside of his shoulder, and smiled. “Thank you for that gift, Kui Xian. I think... I think, we were able to share that because of our...kiss. You shared your world, and I shared understanding. I think it was the last part of myself that I can give. We are formed really without wanting to kiss. Animals do not do that, do they?”
“I guess not,” Kyuhyun said, still a little shocked as questions began flooding into him. He had questions up to his eyeballs. There was so much Zhou Mi knew... And yet, at the same time, his answers became almost second place to the sound of Zhou Mi’s voice, speaking not only his name but sentences, endearments. Things that before he could only guess at. It awed him and scared him in equal parts. Zhou Mi of before had been no less a man, but this person could understand what Kyuhyun was saying. What if they found something lacking in that, in each other? He put that aside. He could only be who he knew how to be. If Zhou Mi did not care for that...
“Why am I here? How did I get here, do you know?”
“Did you...dream of a tiger?” Zhou Mi asked, studying his face with curiosity.
“I...Yes?”
Zhou Mi smiled. “Then he brought you to me. I was so alone...”
“What about the others, the others I saw..?”
“They are close to me, brothers of my heart. But they could be nothing more, not ever. Our souls came from an animal’s spirit. How could I mate with someone who had a different sort of soul as me?”
“Wait, so... Am I a tiger?” Strangely, the idea amused him.
“No, you are Kui Xian,” Zhou Mi said, tickling his chin. “You did not need an animal spirit to be my mate. The tree you woke in is the sacred heart of this place, and it belongs to no one. That is why I went there, and built the fire... I chose a piece of the tree you woke in, and carved a likeness of my spirit.”
“A wooden tiger!” Kyuhyun exclaimed.
“Yes. It held a piece of me, to guide you... I burned it, sending my prayer with its ashes into the sky, begging for someone to come.”
“And I did,” Kyuhyun said, sounding dazed to his own ears. “I found it in my window the morning after I dreamed of the tiger. And I fell asleep holding it, and woke up here. You...You were waiting for me in the tree.”
“Yes. But even though I had been the one waiting for you... You could have been meant for one of the others. I had to wait for you to choose me.”
“I couldn’t see any of their faces. They were blurry and weird.” And frightening. As so many things had been that night.
“Yes, that’s good!” Zhou Mi said, smiling brightly. “That means we were truly meant, because you could see only me. I should not have approached you in the tree. But you smelled so appealing to my tiger self that I could not help it.”
“Not like dinner?” he asked warily.
“Dinner! Kui Xian! Did you think I would eat you? Tigers don’t eat people.”
“I wondered how I could run away that you wouldn’t kill me, and couldn’t figure out how.”
“Oh, Kui Xian. I am truly sorry then. I frightened you,” Zhou Mi said, sounding appalled.
“And then you were a man. That was even stranger.”
Stranger, and yet amazing. A man he had instinctively looked to, even before he really had reason to.
“There are no spirits in your world?”
He stroked the lock of hair that had fallen onto Zhou Mi’s cheek. “If there are, there are none like you.”
“There are too few like me here,” Zhou Mi said softly. “That barren place you saw, once looked like the forest here, rich and lush. Then the death birds came. Perhaps our time had come... One by one, spirits began to die, lured by the death birds, by some promise of a better life. As they died, the lands they cared for did as well. We sent most of the animals on, but there was little we could do for the forest... Too many birds, too few of us. I had all but given up hope that there would be something more for me when you came.”
“What do you mean?”
“You can help me leave this place. I told you you had saved me. I think, that it was only you who could. The tiger you saw, and I, we will be able to move into a new life. Our life here is nearly ended.”
“A new life?” Kyuhyun thought on that a long moment, and pondered the visions he had seen at their kiss. “In my world?”
“Yes, I think so,” Zhou Mi said, tracing Kyuhyun’s cheek. “We have a legend, that if a spirit should mate, there is a question he should ask to make sure he has found the one for him. There is only one answer. He asks, ‘Do you mate for life?’ And do you know what the answer is?”
“No. What?”
“‘Only with you,’” Zhou Mi said softly.
“Oh.” He said it softly, wonderingly, as Zhou Mi smiled at him. The three words were like a caress. Spirits might not have phrases like “I love you” but that... That was something almost more precious. Not fleeting at all, but a declaration and a promise.
“Only with you,” Kyuhyun said, pressing his lips to Zhou Mi’s in a quick kiss.
Zhou Mi sighed, almost quivering with delight. “Only with you, Kui Xian. I like that... The kissing. Will you show me more...?”
They leaned into each other, lips eager, and lay curled together until the sun was high in the sky.
***
Evidence of the noxious blackened rain was apparent as they walked, leaves with tiny holes burned through, broken vines. But mostly it was whole.
“How did the death bird get through the barrier?” he asked Zhou Mi as they walked, their fingers twisted together.
“By choosing the highest point. The four of us can hold them away... It is not the first time one has broken through but I think it meant to do so where it would do the most harm, up above. We didn’t know it would...be so messy. Or so harmful. I took so long because we were cleaning the water. The forest can heal itself, but without water...”
“Did it not hurt you?”
Kyuhyun had checked as surreptitiously as he could, but he could see no sign of injury. Their skin was no secret from each other.
“A little... Most things I can heal myself from, except wounds from beyond the barrier.” Their hands swung lightly. “I’m glad I had you for that, Kui Xian.”
They stopped abruptly, even as Kyuhyun was absorbing the glow from that appreciation, and Zhou Mi dragged back on him. “Let’s go this other way, Kui Xian.”
Kyuhyun stared at the perfectly fine path ahead of them, and at the craggy, branch filled one Zhou Mi was trying to pull him toward.
“Why?”
“Because... You did not question my decisions before, Kui Xian.”
“That’s before I could ask why. But now I can, so... Why?”
It wasn’t in Zhou Mi to lie, so he sighed and hung his head. “There’s a spider down that path, above our heads.”
Kyuhyun waited for a further explanation. It was a super, mega deadly spider. It was seven feet across. Spiders were to Zhou Mi like kryptonite was to Superman.
No answer came.
“Just a regular spider?” he asked.
“Yes. So let’s go this other...”
“You’re afraid of spiders?” Kyuhyun pressed, and got no negative answer. “You swim with crocodiles and wrestle tigers, and a spider trips you up? How big is it? It’s like an elephant being afraid of a mouse.”
“Elephants aren’t afraid of mice,” Zhou Mi said, a little affronted but still leaning hard to his left. “And I’m not... I don’t... I don’t like them. I know why they are here, and what they do, but I don’t like them.”
“Then we’ll move it. No sense for us to be crawling around in the jungle.”
Zhou Mi scrambled after him as his hand was dropped and Kyuhyun walked forward, looking up.
“Oh, look! It’s small and cute!”
“Cute doesn’t exist... Kui Xian, please come back.”
He turned, laughing as Zhou Mi was about five feet behind him. “No, it’s okay! I’ll protect you.”
There was a dead stick not far off of the path, long enough for his purposes, and it reached just far enough. He waited for the spider to crawl onto it, listening as Zhou Mi fretted behind him.
“Be careful... If it comes for you...”
The spider slowly made its way onto the branch, and Kyuhyun lowered it, turning. Zhou Mi had plastered himself to a tree. The man who, as a tiger, could probably chew him in half. Kyuhyun just shook his head and put the stick down, wading off of the path before laying the stick on a bush a decent five feet from it.
“There.”
Zhou Mi inspected his hands as though he might have been contaminated, and squeezed him close.
“You are perfect for me in every way,” Zhou Mi said, dropping kisses along Kyuhyun’s neck.
“Yeah, yeah,” he said, pushing Zhou Mi back. “Let’s go before it comes back. You didn’t do that just to make me feel more useful did you?”
“Of course not, Kui Xian. And it was a she,” Zhou Mi said very primly even as he jittered quickly along at Kyuhyun’s suggestion. “And she’s going to have babies. Some day.”
“Is the crocodile a she too?”
Zhou Mi laughed. “No. He is male. We sent his mate and her clutch of eggs on after... We sent them to safety.”
After what? he wondered.
“Sent them where?” he asked instead.
“We aren’t sure... But they are safe there. Maybe to your world, Kui Xian.”
It was Zhou Mi’s way of distracting him, and they spoke of Earth until Zhou Mi stopped again to gather food for him.
When he had gathered enough of the pink-hued berries to please himself, Zhou Mi stretched out his legs and pulled Kyuhyun down, petting his back. With his knees comfortably ranged on either side of Zhou Mi’s hips, it was a familiar position and offered them both easy access. They kissed, arms around each other, for several moments. Kyuhyun kissed Zhou Mi’s chin.
“You know, I’ve never been attracted to a man before you,” Kyuhyun told him. “Never thought I ever would be...”
“I’m not really a man.”
Kyuhyun raised an eyebrow, shifting on Zhou Mi’s legs. “From where I’m sitting you are.”
“You know what I mean, Kui Xian. You and I aren’t the same.”
He kissed the tips of Zhou Mi’s fingers. “Close enough.”
“You’re being sweet today, Kui Xian. Why is that?”
He fought the urge to pout at Zhou Mi’s question. As though he wasn’t sweet at other times..?
“I don’t know,” he said, and chewed absently at the berry that Zhou Mi had poked into his mouth. There was so much he still didn’t know... So much about this man who touched him that was a mystery. He had been forcibly keeping the questions down, not wanting to overwhelm, just savoring the sound of Zhou Mi’s voice. His indecision must have showed.
“What are you thinking?” Zhou Mi whispered, staring intently at him and rubbing his sides.
“All the things I want to know... I have questions.”
“What would you like to know, Kui Xian?”
Zhou Mi said his name so often, like it was some sort of touchstone, an amulet of a different kind. As though he were remembering the time when all they had between them were gestures and names, and a connection stronger than he could have ever imagined. So maybe he had questions about the world... But there were questions higher on his priority list.
“Tell me about yourself,” Kyuhyun suggested.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean...” He was stumped for a moment. “Do you have...parents? How did you come to live here?”
“Oh, I see! I don’t have parents. I am not born as other animals are... When my spirit ancestor died, he left me this,” Zhou Mi said, lifting the edge of the tiger skin. “I woke here wrapped in it, able to assume his form.”
Kyuhyun fingered the small pouch that rested on Zhou Mi’s chest. “And this?”
“Oh, my amulet... My amulet holds part of me, of who I am, and grounds me to me. I cannot lose myself as a tiger. To lose it would be to lose my life.”
“Your life?” Kyuhyun asked sharply.
“I may not age, but I am not invincible. I am not assured forever. If my amulet died, so would I.”
It seemed impossible to think of someone with Zhou Mi’s vitality dying. It was not as though he had escaped the reality of death, but Zhou Mi was so...otherworldly.
“And what do you eat?” he asked.
“The beauty of the trees,” Zhou Mi said, smiling upward. “The sound of the water. The smell of the air. Look, Kui Xian, a butterfly...”
He followed Zhou Mi’s finger to where a butterfly skimmed along the earth.
“Those things sustain me.”
“Oh,” Kyuhyun said softly, taking that in.
“And I find,” Zhou Mi continued, tracing a finger along Kyuhyun’s ear, “that your touch fills me as well.”
“So I am food to you?” he asked, a bit skeptical.
Zhou Mi hummed in humor. “The best kind.”
He leaned into Zhou Mi, resting his cheek against Zhou Mi’s neck as they had done before, perfectly relaxed against each other. It seemed Zhou Mi had a question of his own...
“Do you regret coming here?” Zhou Mi asked softly.
“No! How could you ask that?”
“It is different than everything you know. You didn’t have a choice.”
“It’s better. You showed me...” Kyuhyun made a frustrated noise as the words just wouldn’t come, and strained back against Zhou Mi’s hold. If it was a secret, then he didn’t know how to keep it. “I love you.”
Zhou Mi’s eyes darkened, pupils expanding at those words.
“I don’t know if you know what that is, but...”
“Kui Xian, when you look at me, when you touch me... When your body gives to mine... I feel that care in you, like a bright flame I can barely look at. I couldn’t even see it grow. One day you were dark to me, and then next daylight. I cannot take enough of you inside me. I know you can’t see as I do, or feel as I do, because of who you are but...” He brought Kyuhyun’s hand to his chest. “What you feel, so do I for you. It burns me up inside, and takes me from myself, and I still want more.”
Kyuhyun frowned. “You’re in love with me?”
“In love? One can be “in” love? It sounds so...passive. I am bursting with love for you.”
“Sounds messy.”
Zhou Mi’s lips tilted in a wicked grin. “You would know, Kui Xian.”
But Zhou Mi sobered, stroking his thumbs along Kyuhyun’s cheekbones.
“What would you do...if I wasn’t here?” Zhou Mi asked him, not meeting his eyes.
Kyuhyun thought a moment. “Get eaten,” he said, and watched Zhou Mi’s eyes flash with humor.
“I don’t mean here, Kui Xian... I mean, if we weren’t together.”
It wasn’t a hypothetical question, he sensed. Despite Zhou Mi’s reaction to his quip, his question was deadly serious.
“Why?” Kyuhyun asked, the cool slick of fear sliding through him.
***