Fic: A Jump and a Climb [Colin/Bradley]

[coffeejunkii]

Title: A Jump and a Climb
Pairing: Colin Morgan/Bradley James
Rating: NC-17
Word count: ~10,000
Summary: A week in February during which Bradley and Colin wonder if their relationship is more than a house of cards.

Notes: Many thanks to rurounihime for betaing, to msdaccxx for britpicking, and to bewarethesmirk for pushing me into the right directions.

This story is set about six months after And Nobody Wears a Crown, but I don't think it's strictly necessary to have read that story to understand what's happening here.


+monday+

Colin had severely underestimated the rain. He thought he could dash from awning to awning on the short way to the corner shop and to Leon to pick up something for lunch, but he was drenched by the time he got back to Bradley's flat. As he toed off his soaked trainers and peeled himself out of his heavy jacket, he caught snippets of Bradley talking on the phone. They accompanied him into the bedroom, where he quickly stripped out of his wet clothes. Judging by the disgruntled noises and occasional 'I don't think so's, Bradley wasn't too happy with whoever was on the other end. It wasn't anyone from the production team; even during the infrequent arguments with them, Bradley remained calm. Unlike now, when his responses were fast and heated. Colin fished a pair of jeans out of a pile on the floor and, after a quick sniff, decided that Bradley's hoodie would do just fine.

Bradley was in the kitchen, leaning against the worktop, mobile against his ear and one hand twisting into his hair. Colin set his bags down onto the table.

"Listen, Mum, this weekend's really not-yes, I know, but-" Bradley fell silent but rolled his eyes at Colin.

Colin brushed his hand against Bradley's side, a quick hello and it'll be okay all rolled into one. He walked on to the fridge, placing eggs and orange juice inside.

"Colin? Why would I-" Bradley pushed away from the worktop and started pacing. "He's not even here on Sunday."

Upon hearing his name, Colin mouthed What? at Bradley, who waved him off.

"In Ireland," Bradley replied to his mother. "He's presenting at the Irish Film and TV Awards."

Colin was really curious now, but not much more than the occasional 'uhuh' was forthcoming from Bradley in response to whatever his mum was talking about.

When Colin had put away most of the groceries, Bradley ended the call with, "Yes, I promise I'll let you know by Wednesday. Bye." He threw his mobile on the kitchen table. "Jesus fucking Christ, she's driving me to despair."

"What was it this time?" Colin asked cautiously.

Hands on his hips, Bradley replied, "Sunday lunch."

"Yes?" Colin set out the takeaway he'd got for them for lunch, Nepalese lentil soup for himself and chili chicken wrap for Bradley.

"She asked you and me to come to lunch this Sunday." Utter disbelief tinged Bradley's words. "Have you got any crisps in there?" He started to rifle through the bags on the table.

"Here."

Bradley's smile lit up at the sight of salt and vinegar McCoys. "Perfection," he mumbled through a mouthful of crisps.

Colin merely shook his head and took the lid off his soup. "So why's it so bad that your mum's asked us round for Sunday lunch?"

"Because." Bradley sat down and began to tear the paper away from his wrap. "I've no idea why she wants me to bring you along."

Colin gave him a disbelieving look. "I keep telling you that she knows exactly what's going on. Maybe they'd just like to meet the person their son is seeing."

"But how would she know? I've never said anything that might let on we're together."

Colin shrugged. "Mums just know that kind of stuff."

"Well, the whole thing is moot anyway because you'll be in Ireland." Bradley dipped his fork into Colin's bowl and licked the soup off of it. "Hmm, not bad, considering."

Colin ignored the remark, secure in the knowledge that Bradley had actually become quite fond of the 'rabbity' food Colin liked most. "I wouldn't mind going. If she asks again."

Bradley studied him for a moment. "It's none of their business."

"So you've said."

Bradley avoided having to answer by taking a particularly large bite of his wrap.

"Would it be so horrible to tell your parents?" Colin asked quietly.

"My family isn't like yours," Bradley replied, an edge to his words. He put his wrap down. "Look, I know you told your parents about us in, what, September? And your parents are brilliant, they really are, but mine aren't like that."

Colin shifted in his chair. He swallowed the cutting remark about how Bradley knew fuck all about his family and said, "I was just saying."

"Right. Well, no use going on about it because we'll be off filming the week after next and won't have time for a very awkward lunch with my parents."

The finality behind that statement left no doubt that this conversation was over for Bradley. Colin didn't feel like pressing his point. It had proven fruitless in the past. There had been a time when Colin had taken Bradley's refusal to tell his parents about their relationship as a sign that he might not be all that serious about them after all, but the daily phone calls while Colin was in Scotland and the surprise visit for his birthday had dispelled that notion.

+tuesday+

If Colin didn't stop fumbling around in that bloody drawer within the next ten seconds, Bradley would come from the insistent pressure of the three fingers inside him alone.

Frowning, Colin announced, "None left, I think." His fingers left Bradley to better reach into the back of the drawer. "Yup, all gone."

"Impossible." Bradley sat up and rummaged through the bedside table himself, encountering nothing but half-empty tubes of lube. He hesitated, then said, "Well, no matter, right?"

Colin smiled and pushed him back down onto the mattress, "Right."

Bradley's heart missed a few beats as the significance of that mumbled affirmation unfolded in his lust-fogged brain. Wrapping both of his arms around Colin's back, Bradley pulled him closer. He wanted Colin right bloody now. "C'mon, get on with it," he urged.

"I am," Colin replied, pressing himself closer.

The explosion of friction startled Bradley out of his next thought. It took half a kiss for him to remember to urge Colin on again. "Tease." He dragged his heel up Colin's calf. "Fucking get on with it, will you?"

Colin licked a stripe up his neck. "Get on with what, exactly? You know I aim to please. Especially you."

"Shagging me, of course."

Colin pulled away to look at Bradley. "What?"

"What d'you mean, what? Fuck. Me." Bradley's patience was running out.

Colin pulled even farther away. "No."

What was Colin playing at all of a sudden? Only half a minute earlier he'd been quite agreeable, and now-Bradley was confused. "You said it didn't matter. It's just this once. Won't make a difference." He reached for Colin, but found himself empty-handed when Colin twisted out of his reach.

"'Just this once'? Are you mental?" Colin sat up, grey sheets bunching around his hips.

"You're serious? You won't-"

"We're not fucking without anything. Absolutely not." The words were harsh and clipped.

Slowly sitting up, Bradley replied, "I'm sure they poked and prodded you just as thoroughly as me before we started filming last year, and I haven't been with anyone else since then. And you haven't either..." He let that hang in the air until Colin shook his head, confirming Bradley's guess. "Right. So."

"It's not safe."

"You sound like Mr Williams doing Sex Ed in year 9." Bradley realised he'd probably stepped across the line with that comment, but Colin was being ridiculous.

Colin pushed the sheets away from him and moved towards the edge of the mattress. "I'm glad this is just a fucking joke to you, but I'm not putting us at risk just for a quick shag." He stood up and pulled on his pants.

The entire conversation had jumped off track without Bradley even noticing. He watched as Colin dressed, trying to figure out why he'd reacted so sharply. And he could only come up with one reason. Anger welled up in him. "Is there something you might like to tell me? Perhaps something I should have known before I let you come down my throat? Or shoved my tongue up your arse?"

"You can be a total prick sometimes," Colin ground out. He yanked a jumper over his head and headed out onto the balcony, slamming the door shut so hard that the glass rattled in its frame.

Bradley stared after him, heart racing.

~***~

Colin didn't smoke very often, but he kept ten Rothmans and a lighter under an unused flower pot on the balcony for moments when life threatened to become overwhelming. The burn down his throat and into his lungs was familiar; it masked the other reason why his chest felt tight.

Perhaps this argument had been inevitable. If Colin was honest with himself, he'd been waiting for this conversation for some time now. On some level, it made sense: they'd been together for a while, they weren't sleeping around, and they were both healthy, as far as they knew.

And yet. Colin took another long drag and watched the smoke he exhaled being carried away by the icy wind coming off the Thames. Without more of an explanation, Bradley might jump to more false conclusions, and fuck, those had hurt, heat of the moment or not. But Colin didn't want to explain, perhaps didn't quite know how to. All of that was so tightly woven into circumstances and decisions that might not make sense to someone who hadn't been there. Hadn't lived through those agonizing weeks.

Trying to clear his thoughts, Colin looked up and out over the city. The late afternoon light left everything in monochrome-roofs, sky, water. He remained outside long enough for his thoughts to resemble the grey scale dominating the view, a gradation of monotony that boiled down to nothing at all.

When he returned inside, Bradley had left.

Ten minutes later, Colin's mobile chirped the arrival of a new text. Bradley's message fragmented into "catching up," "having a pint," and "might get late," all boiling down to a very unsubtle declaration of avoidance.

Colin snatched the script for the first new episode off the floor and decided to study lines until the words blurred together on the page.

+wednesday+

Bradley's feet pounded on the pavement. The sun was barely up, and the icy gusts chasing around street corners cut into his lungs, but it felt good to be outside and running. He looped through Borough Market, past the cathedral and the Golden Hind, along Clink Street and finally out onto the embankment. The temperature dropped a few more degrees without narrow streets keeping the breeze at bay. The wind whipped through Bradley's hair and he could feel the chill curl around his nape, a stark contrast to the heat enveloping the rest of his body. Bradley continued on until he could see the stark tower of the Tate Modern loom in the distance.

He still couldn't understand what exactly had happened with Colin the day before. Sure, they'd had rows before, about Bradley not being able to keep his steaks far away enough from Colin's side of the fridge or about Colin forgetting his keys again. But they had never argued like this before. This wasn't a petty squabble arising from two people trying to fit their lives together. It struck the core of their relationship. Bradley had to think about trust again, which had been hard-earned and then freely given. Or so Bradley had thought. He'd certainly handed over quite a bit of himself to Colin because he trusted him with his body and with his heart, and expected Colin to keep both safe. Apparently, Colin didn't share the sentiment. It left Bradley adrift.

He slowed down when he reached the former power station, hunching over to catch his breath. Massive brick walls occupied his entire field of his vision, stretching left and right and up. People would mill about in front of them soon enough, but Bradley was alone for now, stones and silence his only company.

~***~

When Bradley returned to his flat, Colin was moving around the kitchen, pulling plates and cups from cabinets. He was still wearing pyjama bottoms and had pulled on his favourite brown hoodie.

"Tea or coffee?" Colin asked, a hesitant smile accompanying the question.

"Tea, thanks," Bradley replied, pretending there wasn't any awkwardness between them. Turning toward the bathroom, he added, "But none of that green tea muck! Real tea."

"Piss off and don't be annoying me," Colin called after him, laughing.

It felt almost normal. Bradley still hurried through his shower because he wanted to see Colin, wanted to look at this face to check if they were okay again.

Everything started off in the same way as any other day since Colin had returned from Scotland and they'd decided Colin might as well stay with Bradley until filming began again. Their days began with breakfast together at home unless they had to run off to a meeting or an interview. They'd settled into a comfortable routine: tea and coffee in mismatched cups, Bradley's favourite cereal, and Colin's disgustingly healthy muesli with dried fruit. They went over their respective schedules for the day, chatting about this and that.

When there was a lull in the conversation, spoons clacking against bowls and wooden chairs creaking at their unconscious movements, Bradley gathered up his courage to say, "Sorry if I caught you off-guard yesterday."

Colin looked up at him, pausing in his study of the ingredients of Bradley's cereal. "'s no bother."

"Probably should have brought that up when we weren't..." He gestured with his spoon.

"Yeah, maybe," Colin mumbled around a mouthful of muesli.

Bradley didn't think Colin's tight-lipped answers boded well at all, but they also indicated that they were most definitely not past this issue. "So, did you really mean what you said? No shagging without-"

"Yes. I was serious about that." Colin grasped his spoon just a bit tighter.

"What if we get checked again? Confirm what they said last year?"

Colin put down his spoon and drew the hood of his sweatshirt over his head. "It isn't safe."

Bradley was at a loss. "Define 'safe.' Because if we're both in the clear, I don't see how that's unsafe."

"Maybe I just think unprotected sex is a fucking bad idea," Colin retorted. The bitter edge from last night was back in his voice.

"I trust you." It was the only argument Bradley had left.

"I trust you, too, but that's not the point." Colin's chair scraped against the tiles as he stood up. He dropped his half-eaten muesli into the bin and let water flow into the bowl.

Bradley hurried after him. "What the bloody fuck is it about, then? It's not about health. It's not about trust. What is it?"

"I'm not getting into this now," Colin whispered and pushed past Bradley.

Bradley caught him by the shoulders. "Well, too fucking bad. In case you hadn't noticed, this is about us-" His voice broke on the word, and he tried to find others that might explain to Colin how deep this argument struck, but he couldn't.

Colin did what Bradley expected least-kissed him. The kind of hands-in-hair and want-you-now kiss that usually landed them in bed within the next two minutes. Bradley pulled Colin tight against him, arms around his waist and shoulders, wanting, and not receiving nearly enough.

Colin broke away and muttered against Bradley's cheek, "This is us. D'you have any idea what-" he paused. His fingers tightened in the hair curling over Bradley's nape. "I'm not risking this. Us."

There had been many moments when Colin had left Bradley confused, but never quite so profoundly. "I don't understand."

Colin's hand tightened one last time, and then he stepped away. "I'm going to have a shower."

Bradley leaned back against the worktop, uncertain how they could piece this together again.

+thursday+

Even though the meeting had only started half an hour ago, it already felt interminable to Colin. He tried to focus on Julian's explanation of Merlin and Arthur's character arc for the coming season, but only the occasional phrase filtered through to his brain. Julian had just explained something about a "test of trust" between Merlin and Arthur when Colin's mobile vibrated against his thigh. He discreetly pulled it out of his pocket and checked for new messages.

Trouble in paradise? Katie had texted.

Colin looked up at her and faced a questioning look. Maybe, he wrote back.

Try definitely, came the answer.

Colin slumped lower in his chair and suppressed an annoyed sigh. It's complicated.

Katie's reply consisted of ???.

Colin caught her gaze again and shook his head, hoping she'd understand that he didn't want to explain. Or at least that this wasn't something he could explain in a text.

Naturally, Katie cornered him after the meeting. "So is this a lovers' tiff because Bradley's trying to force Heroes on you again, or is it actually something serious?"

Colin studied his trainers and weighed his options. It was tempting to tell her to fuck off, but considering he'd be seeing Katie again in only two days and actually needed to be on good terms with her for their presentation, he said, "Right second time. And it's something me and Bradley need to sort out ourselves." He kept his voice low, aiming for a sense of intimacy while not giving much away.

After a brief pause, Katie replied with a cheerfulness that sounded only half-forced. "Well, sounds to me as if you're in need of some distraction. I've plans to go out for a couple of pints with a few friends on Saturday, and you're welcome to come along. God knows we'll need it after smiling like deranged eejits and answering the same poxy questions for hours."

"I'll think about it," Colin replied. "Thanks."

"Anytime." Katie reached for his hand and squeezed it before brushing past Colin to hurry after Angel.

~***~

It was late when they finally hit the road back to London after dinner. Angel had volunteered to drive, claiming she knew the route back by heart now after their rather frequent trips between Cardiff and London in the past year.

Colin felt a pleasant buzz from the wine he'd had with his food and he wanted to move closer to Bradley, maybe nod off against his shoulder, but Bradley very insistently kept to his side of the backseat.

Bradley's mobile rang for the third time in fifteen minutes.

"Maybe you should answer that. Might be important," Colin suggested carefully.

"It's my mother."

That explained why Bradley was tensing up each time the phone rang. "Then turn it off."

"No. If it goes straight to voicemail, she knows I'm ignoring her."

"You are ignoring her."

Bradley fidgeted in his seat.

Colin caught Angel's gaze in the rear view mirror. The radio's volume went up and Angel demonstratively started humming along with whatever was playing, giving her best impression of not listening in.

Colin turned his attention back to Bradley. "Did you never call her back about the lunch on Sunday?"

"No."

Colin softly called Bradley's name, the way he did when they were moments away from falling asleep together and Colin was tempted to say something ridiculously sentimental. Bradley actually looked back at him, and Colin was surprised at the pained expression he caught for a moment. He wondered if Bradley found it too jarring to be addressed this way when they weren't in bed and when someone might be overhearing them. "Look, will you just answer next time she calls and tell her we definitely can't make it."

Bradley turned away, looking out the window again, but the next time his mobile rang, he took the call. The conversation was over in under two minutes, but it was long enough to set Bradley on edge, that much Colin could tell.

He slid his hand across the seat and nudged his fingers against Bradley's, who took them and held on so tightly that his grip was bordering on painful. Colin was about to complain when he saw Bradley's chest rise and fall with a deep breath. The desperate grasp of Colin's hand eased a little.

There wasn't much more Colin could do right now to cut through the tension that had wrapped itself around Bradley, but he could think of a way or two when they made it back home.

~***~

Bradley knew from the moment the door clicked shut behind them and Colin gave him that look.

They got stuck halfway down the hall, between the bathroom and the bedroom. Bradley had Colin against the wall, Colin's left leg out of his tight black trousers, pants slung around one ankle. He left the checked shirt in place because it didn't matter if it was on or off. Not for this. Colin's weight was almost entirely on his right, still mostly clothed, leg, while the other was turned outward, inviting Bradley to do as he pleased.

Bradley only bothered to fling his jacket into a corner; he didn't care about the rest of his clothes. Colin pushed one hand down his jeans, rubbing and squeezing, while Bradley slicked his right hand. He could feel Colin's breath against the side of his neck, and he knew his movements were being watched. He took as much time as he could justify, especially when he moved his ring from his thumb to his middle finger. Colin made an impatient noise and withdrew his hand, leaning back against the wall with his hip jutting out just so, fully aware that the pose would destroy what little patience Bradley had mustered.

There wasn't much resistance when Bradley eased two fingers into Colin. It'd been a while since Colin had bottomed for Bradley-Saturday a week ago, perhaps-but it hardly made a difference. This was Colin's favourite way to fuck. Bradley had discovered that the first time Colin had wanked for him as a result of increasing taunts and I-dare-yous. Ever since that day, Bradley knew to use his hands when he wanted to see Colin really fall apart.

Bringing the ring into play only sped up the process. Bradley had been fond of the ring from the moment he'd bought it, but when Colin had pushed it over Bradley's thumb one dreary September morning and then showed him exactly to which purposes the ring could be put, Bradley had decided it was the most brilliant purchase ever.

They were almost there, now. Bradley's fingers were nearly all the way inside, only that last bit left, the thin stripe of skin enclosed by the ring. Colin tried to push down faster, but Bradley curled his other hand tightly around his thigh, exerting just enough pressure so that Colin couldn't quite move the way he wanted.

"You rotten bastard, come on," Colin muttered into Bradley's ear.

Bradley chuckled and waited the span of another breath before pushing up forcefully. A shudder went through Colin, leaving a tremble in the leg that held his weight. Bradley moved in closer, allowing that leg between his own lest Colin tumble down.

He twisted his fingers slowly, letting Colin feel the push and press of the ring. Even though Colin managed to remain almost silent, the tight grasp of his hands in Bradley's jumper proved that he was losing ground. A few more twists of Bradley's hand, and Colin's intake of breath gained a harsh edge. Bradley knew he almost had Colin at that point where he'd relinquish all control. When he'd give in.

A third finger had Colin thudding his head against the wall. His hand snuck between their bodies; its rapid movements made Colin's knuckles bump into Bradley's forearm. Uncomfortable as those collisions were, neither of them stopped, both of them too focused on their goal. Bradley slid his hand slowly down Colin's thigh to grasp behind his knee and push up, forcing him to open up just a tiny bit more. Bradley felt his fingers nudge deeper. It was enough to break the relentless up and down of Colin's hand. He faltered and couldn't keep up, and Bradley knew he'd won. No longer trying to tease or go slow, Bradley pushed up and up and up.

Colin arched.

Bradley watched him-the closed eyes, the slack mouth in contrast to the tension in his neck. That beautiful line he could never resist. He mouthed along it, the skin warm and familiar under his tongue. Bradley barely noticed when he pressed himself more tightly against Colin's leg. When he came, it was more of an afterthought to the shivers he could still feel running through Colin. He prolonged them for as long as he could; his fingers were still lodged deep in Colin's body, and their tiniest movements was enough to force another hitched breath.

After a long time had passed, Colin whispered shakily, "Enough."

Bradley straightened, careful to slowly disentangle himself from Colin, who appeared a bit unsteady once he was back on both of his feet. Out of habit, Bradley's hand shot forward to take hold of Colin's side, to offer balance.

Colin caught his wrist. "'m okay," he mumbled.

Their eyes met for the briefest of moments before Colin looked away again. Bradley stared at Colin's profile, then brought his fingertips up to trace Colin's jaw. Bradley's lips followed his fingers' path. When they found the corner of Colin's mouth, Colin finally turned back towards him, kissing feverishly, not caring that their lips weren't perfectly aligned or that their noses bumped, only eager for more.

It felt like drowning. The air was being sucked out of Bradley's lungs, but he didn't want to let go of Colin, wanted to hold on even though he suspected they might be tumbling down into an unknown depth.

+friday+

"Didn't know if you needed any of these," Bradley remarked while dumping a dryer-load full of clean laundry on the bed.

"Cheers," Colin replied. He fished a grey T-shirt out of the pile and added it to the 'potential clothes for Ireland' stack. He hated packing; invariably, he ended up bringing too much or too little, or didn't feel like wearing anything he'd brought along. He was only going away for four days, but had pulled four shirts, three pairs of jeans, his suit, one jumper and a hoodie from the wardrobe.

Bradley sat down on the bed and began folding his socks into neat little balls. "So I've been reading up on a few things."

Colin decided he might as well start with packing his suit and underwear because he could be sure of those items. "Like what?" He remembered seeing Bradley hunched over his laptop when he came home earlier and assumed Bradley had once again googled himself.

Bradley scooped up his folded socks and carried them over to the chest of drawers. "Sex," he replied. "What's safe, what's not."

Colin stopped mid-fold of the T-shirt. He looked up to see Bradley studiously arranging his socks. "Ah, yeah?"

"Yeah." Bradley pushed the drawer shut with one hand. "We've done a lot of things that aren't safe if you want to get technical about it."

Colin watched Bradley walk back over to the bed, where he started in on the first of numerous long-sleeved T-shirts. He probably expected an answer, an explanation that Colin didn't really have. So he just said, "I know."

Bradley looked up at him. "If you know, then why are you getting so bent out of shape about this?"

Keeping his eyes fixed on the black shirt he was stuffing into his bag, Colin replied, "Because there's still a degree of difference-"

"No," Bradley cut in. "I'm not sure what kind of fantasy you're trying to hold on to here, or why, but we've crossed that line. We've had unsafe," he made air quotes around the word, "sex, Colin. Quite a lot of it, actually."

Colin's fingers curled tighter around the sleeves of the jumper he was folding. He didn't know what to tell Bradley aside from-from-his mind refused to complete the thought. "Can we please not talk about this now?"

"You've been saying that all week."

Colin was keenly aware of that, and he also knew that Bradley deserved an answer. But when he reached for the explanation, panic simmered in him. He resolutely pushed it away. "Is it so difficult to understand that maybe, just maybe, all of this isn't so clear-cut for me and I can’t be sorting it out right this minute when I need to get my shit sorted for this show tomorrow?"

This time it was Bradley who didn't answer right away. He went through two more T-shirts before stopping. His shoulders slumped forward. "We all make mistakes, don't we?" he asked quietly, more of himself than of Colin, it seemed. "So if something happened...in Scotland, maybe, then...tell me. I'd rather have that out in the open than arguing all the time."

Colin froze. He was almost certain that he knew what Bradley was implying, but the suspicion alone was so offensive that anger leapt up in him. "If what happened in Scotland?"

Bradley toyed with his ring. "If there was someone else."

Even though Colin was expecting that answer, he still couldn't speak for a good half minute. Anger was vibrating through him. It made his voice shaky when he replied. "There wasn't." He paused, trying to find the right words. "This is the shittiest thing you've ever said to me. I can't believe-are you gone fucking mental?" He yanked the zipper closed on his bag. He wasn't quite finished with packing, but fuck if he stayed in the same room with Bradley for another minute.

"Sorry, I-"

"Sorry?" A bitter laugh escaped Colin. "That's rich."

Bradley got to his feet. "What the fuck do you expect me to think? Your behaviour makes no sense. None."

"I don't have to explain myself to you!" Colin snapped. The anger was turning into something else now, something with sharp edges that ate into him.

"No, actually, you do. Don't you realise what's happening here?"

Colin knew exactly what Bradley meant. Feeling caged, he cast around for something to throw at Bradley, something that would cut into him as well. "Don’t dump all your commitment shit onto me! It's not my problem if you can't even tell your parents about us."

Bradley blinked twice. "That's got nothing to do with this."

"Really? Well, I think maybe it's got every fucking thing to do with it."

Bradley rounded the bed to stand directly in front of Colin. "Do you really believe that if I wasn't completely committed to this relationship, I'd suggest that we fuck bareback?"

Colin flinched, but held Bradley's gaze for as long as he could. There were a lot of things he'd have to explain, but he didn't know how. The one thing he knew with any certainty was that he could not let himself fall apart now because he had a job to do tomorrow, and he intended to do it well. He bent down to pick up his bag. "I think it's best if I leave now."

Bradley stared at him with incredulity. "It's still four hours till your flight."

"Yeah, but we've had enough fighting for one day, haven't we?" There was still a wavering to his voice, but it was of a different kind than the one fueled by anger.

The fight seemed to go out of Bradley and he brushed the back of his hand over his eyes. "See you on Tuesday?"

Colin nodded. He hesitated because he always, always kissed Bradley goodbye but found that he couldn't. He cleared his throat. "Tuesday, then."

He didn't look back as he made his way to the door.

+saturday+

Colin stumbled outside, a wave of clammy air and the beats of Love Lockdown rushing out alongside him. He collapsed against the brick wall of the club. Music pulsed through every stone, vibrating against his back. Trying to catch a breath proved difficult no matter how rapidly Colin tried to suck air into his lungs. He had to talk to Bradley, needed to tell him right away how close he'd come to fucking up everything.

He fumbled for his mobile, stuck deep in the pockets of his suit. His fingers shook a little as he called up the number. The wait was agonizing; the call signal reverberated in Colin's head in a seemingly endless loop until Bradley's sleepy voice mumbled, "Colin?" at the other end of the line.

"Hey." It was a choked whisper. Colin turned around, leaning his forehead against the wall. His eyes stung, and he brought his palm up to cover them. Whatever else he meant to say remained stuck in his throat, which had become impossibly tight.

"What-what's going on?" Bradley sounded disoriented.

Colin could picture him so well. Sitting up in bed, hair sticking up in all directions, their bedroom in a hazy half-light of London at night. He barely stifled the sob rising up.

"Are you all right?" Bradley was becoming agitated. "Are you hurt? Did anything happen?"

Colin didn't quite know how, but he managed to push the confusion and the longing-for Bradley, for before-down so he could speak. "'m okay. Just-fuck. I almost cheated on you just now. With some girl, and-fuck. Fuck. I love you, and I almost fucking cheated on you. I-"

"Colin, slow down. You're not making any sense." There was caution in Bradley's voice, almost as if he was hoping Colin was taking the piss or was too drunk and didn't mean anything he'd just said.

Colin shivered, a combination of being outside in February and of the weight of the situation coming crushing down on him like a ton of bricks. "I'm out with Katie. At some club. And there was this girl, and..." Everything clenched inside Colin and the lack of air in his lungs snatched his voice away again. But he needed to talk to Bradley, needed him to understand that if they didn't pull back from this brink they'd rushed each other towards during the past week, there might not be any going back. "I'm coming back tomorrow. We've been right eejits, both of us, and I want it to stop. We've got to sort this shite out."

There was silence on the other end. "I'll be here," Bradley replied, and hung up.

Mobile still tight in his grip, Colin realised this was the first time he'd told Bradley he loved him.

+sunday+

It was still a gloomy half-light of early morning when Colin returned to the flat. He dropped his bag and toed off his shoes. Finding the bed deserted, he checked the living room. Bradley was asleep on the sofa, face half-hidden underneath a few cushions and one arm dangling over the edge. Colin wanted nothing more than to fit himself against Bradley's side and sleep the day away. But that wasn't an option after last night.

Colin sat down on the coffee table and pushed against Bradley's shoulder. "Hey," he said softly. Then, louder, "Time to wake up."

Bradley blinked his eyes open. "You're back."

"Yeah." Colin watched as Bradley struggled to sit up, clearly feeling more asleep than awake. "Took the first available flight back from Dublin."

"Tell me it's as early as it feels." Bradley rubbed both hands over his face.

"It's half nine."

Bradley groaned.

Colin waited as Bradley got his bearings. It happened in degrees; the lax posture leftover from sleep vanished first, replaced by awareness of how they close sat, facing each other. The last remainders of drowsiness disappeared when Bradley's leg shifted away from his, a minute yet significant distance between them.

Even though Colin wanted to lay out all the missteps of last night-of the entire past week-he left it up to Bradley to start the conversation.

After what felt like tortuously long minutes, Bradley finally said, "All right. Talk. Might want to start with the cheating bit."

Colin swallowed the quick defense of not actual cheating, not really. "Right. Well, after the IFTAs Katie suggested we go out for a couple of drinks. She said she had some friends who were at this club and that it would be a right laugh and would get my mind off things."

"You told her about-"

"No. She'd figured that out on her own. That I was...feeling shit about something." When that didn't get a reaction from Bradley, Colin continued. "So we went. And it was a bit of crack and her friends were great. And Aisling-"

"That the girl?" Bradley cut in.

"Yeah." Colin's mind drifted to the previous night, to the feeling of being at ease, Aisling's laughter in his ears. It had felt so good to let everything go, to give in to the warm buzz of one drink too many. Aisling had a sharp tongue and a quick mind, and most importantly, she seemed to genuinely enjoy Colin's company. "She's a really good friend of Katie's. We started talking and there might have been a bit of a dance, and..." Colin hesitated.

"And?" Bradley prodded sharply.

"It was pretty obvious that…you know…she liked me. Fancied me, like." Colin had been a bit oblivious at first, when it had just been her hand on his arm, but when she'd insistently pushed into his personal space, whispering into his ear, he'd known exactly what was happening. "I didn't discourage her, entirely."

"Why?"

"Because..." I was drunk or I wanted to forget everything didn't exactly cut it. "I was-am-an idiot."

"Complete and utter prick, you mean."

"Yeah." Colin felt he deserved that. "Then she kissed me. And I-" Colin's mouth felt dry, but he needed to be completely honest with Bradley if they wanted to fix this. "I was tempted to kiss her back." He didn't even need to glance at Bradley to recognise the distress radiating off of him. "But I didn't. That's when I called you." He looked up at Bradley and waited until their eyes met. "I'm sorry."

Apparently, that apology had sounded as pathetic to Bradley as it had to Colin because he ignored it in favour of saying, "Don't you think it's fucking ironic that you flipped on Friday when I asked you if you ever cheated on me and then you go ahead the next day and fucking almost cheat on me?"

Only a thousand times, Colin wanted to answer. Instead, he asked, "Do you want me to leave?"

It took Bradley some time to answer that, and it was plain to see that he very nearly said 'yes'. But in the end, he replied with a quiet "no."

For a split second, Colin felt relief. There was still something to save here, between them. If only Colin could explain why he'd led Aisling on, but he couldn't even explain that to himself.

"Colin." A fierce resolved tinged Bradley's voice. "Promise that you'll never, never pull this kind of shit on me again."

The implied or I will say yes next time you ask if you should leave was more than clear. "I promise," Colin replied without hesitation.

He thought he saw Bradley lean back into the sofa and felt his own hand uncurl, unaware he'd been clasping his trouser leg. His jacket stretched too tight across his shoulders. Colin took it off; his tie followed. Once he'd rolled his shirt up to his elbows, he felt like he might be able to breathe again.

"There's more, isn't there?" Bradley asked into the silence that had settled around them. "Behind what's been going on this week."

Colin nodded. He fought down the impulse to run from this. He'd only just managed to regain some sort of equilibrium. It would slide out of balance as soon as he started reaching for the memories. "So. My brother."

"Neil."

Colin couldn't bear to look at Bradley. It was difficult enough to give speech to the events that rose up in his mind, willfully forgotten and carefully compartementalised. "Yeah. A couple of years ago we had a flat together, in Belfast. When I was at the Institute and he'd just got his first job. Mam and Dad were pleased that he'd be there. To keep an eye on me."

"Makes sense."

"Yeah. It was nice to have Neil there. Especially whenever I didn't know anyone at first. Well, he started going out with this girl. It lasted for a while...half a year or so. He never brought her round much. I think she had a place of her own. I don't really know. I only started thinking about this...after."

"After what?"

"After Neil ended up in hospital."

Bradley sat up upon hearing that. Colin's eyes were drawn to the movement and he looked up to see a frown forming on Bradley's face.

"What happened?" Bradley asked. "Some sort of accident?"

In a twisted sense, Colin wished it had been something so easy to explain. "No." He leaned forward, elbows on his knees. Eyes on the carpet. "I came home one day, after a rehearsal. I'd no jacket with me so I was drenched. But it was a good day regardless and I wanted to tell Neil about finally getting that one scene right." Colin rubbed his palms along his trousers. "He was on the kitchen floor. Shivering, and completely out of it."

"Shit," Bradley muttered. Colin felt rather than saw him shift closer to the edge of the sofa.

"I'd no idea what happened. Drugs, I thought, but Neil didn't touch drugs." Colin no longer saw the carpet, but he was back in the dingy kitchen, shaking Neil's shoulder, trying to get him to say something. His skin had felt so cold to touch. "The ambulance took forever to get there. In Casualty they took him away for a really long time."

Waiting had been the worst. Waiting and not knowing. Not wanting to call anyone, least of all Mam and Dad, in case it was drugs.

Bradley's knee bumped against Colin's leg. Encouragement, perhaps, or maybe a signal to hurry up and spit it out. Colin pressed on. "It was-" He paused. Neil would probably appreciate keeping at least that much private. "Doesn't really matter what it was. I didn't know until then that he had it. I'd noticed Neil wasn't getting on great, but it was winter, so I thought maybe he'd caught a cold. It was one of those times when we were busy, living lives mostly alongside one another." Colin's hand came up to his face, rubbing over his forehead. "I should have paid more attention."

Bradley remained silent.

"My mam rang me up the next day. For a chat, and to see how we were getting on. I had to tell her. Neil said not to, but....They came in the next day." This was the hardest part. The one Colin didn't entirely trust himself to explain right. "They were upset, and angry. At me. At Neil. At both of us for not looking after each other. And Neil wasn't talking to me because I told them." Colin wanted to crawl inside of himself to make the memories stop. All those little things he hadn't thought about in years. The way the hospital smelled. That the lift on the right would never be as fast as the one on the left. The red plastic chairs lining the corridor.

Bradley's hands came to rest against his thighs, lightly at first, but when Colin didn't pull away, they settled firmly. Colin felt Bradley's shoulder against his hands, which were now pressed against his face. When had that happened? He didn't remember closing his eyes or bringing his hands up to shield them.

"What else?" Bradley whispered.

Colin dropped his hands. The worn cotton of Bradley's pyjamas was soft under his fingers. When he pressed his face against Bradley's neck, he felt the memories recede to a safer distance. Colin felt more control over his voice, and the words came easier. "It took a long time for that anger to go away. After the first outburst, we put it aside so we could help Neil to get better, but it was still there. It was there for months. Sometimes I thought..."

"What?"

"That I'd lost them." Colin couldn't explain it any better. He'd been adrift during that time, missing that essential feeling of safety he'd had all his life and had never been aware of until it wasn't there anymore.

Bradley's arms came around Colin, one hand pushing into his hair. "I'm sorry."

Colin wasn't sure if Bradley was voicing his sympathy for what happened a few years ago or if he was apologising for the past week, but it didn't really matter. It felt good to be close to Bradley like this again. He'd almost lost that, too. The idea blazed so brightly in his mind, brighter than when he'd called Bradley last night or when he'd fumbled through an apology earlier. He jerked away, feeling too crowded all of a sudden. His own breathing sounded incredibly loud in his ears.

"Hey." Bradley's fingers hooked behind Colin's knees, trying to hold him still.

If Bradley hadn't kept him in place, Colin would have left the room. He closed his hands over Bradley's wrists.

"All right there?" Bradley asked.

Colin shook his head. He'd come so close to fucking this up. Fucking them up. What was Bradley even doing here, listening and apparently trying to understand and offering comfort when he'd every right to tell Colin to fuck off for a good long time? "I should have told you earlier," Colin whispered urgently. "When you first asked. So you'd understand, maybe. But I try not to think about what happened too much." He felt like a complete idiot. Risking what he had with Bradley so he could be spared the confrontation with a few bad memories, or forget his problems for a night. "Pathetic, isn't it?"

"No, it's not. But I wish you'd told me sooner." The because you hurt me a fucking lot by not telling me remained unspoken but was abundantly clear nevertheless.

"Yeah." Colin drew a shaky breath. "Neil made me promise, you know. To always be safe. Especially with someone I really care about."

Bradley didn't say anything in return, just pulled Colin closer once more. They continued to sit together for a while, legs bumping against one another and Bradley's hands warm against Colin's thighs. It was uncomfortable to be hunched over like this. The hard wood of the coffee table was starting to numb Colin's arse, but he didn't want to move away. The adrenaline that had been pumping through him dissipated, and in its place a bone-deep weariness began to settle in. "I could sleep for a year," he mumbled.

"Me too." Bradley stood up and tugged on Colin's hand. "Come on."

Colin didn't move. The prospect of going to bed with Bradley spread warmth through his entire body, but he still wasn't entirely sure if they were moving towards being all right again. He nodded at the sofa. "Shouldn't I..."

"No," Bradley said decisively. He tugged at Colin's hand again, and this time, he followed.

~***~

Colin stripped off his trousers and shirt and socks as quickly as possible. There was one thing he wanted to wear to sleep and he hoped it wasn't in the wash. He found the green t-shirt wedged between a few of Bradley's shirts and pulled it over his head.

"You have an unholy attachment to that T-shirt, I hope you realise," Bradley remarked, aiming for teasing but not quite managing.

"Yeah, yeah," Colin replied, playing along. He got into bed next to Bradley.

"You wear it all the bloody time. I probably haven't worn it since November."

They lay facing each other. This was how they usually fell asleep, but Colin wanted to be closer to Bradley, so he rolled over onto his other side. "I like it. It's you. The shirt, I mean."

Bradley fitted himself against Colin's back."You're mental."

Colin smiled and closed his eyes. He felt nearly stupidly grateful that Bradley was trying for normal, for one of those silly conversations they often had before falling asleep. "Did that make sense, what I explained?"

"Yeah." Bradley didn't sound entirely convinced.

Maybe the drowsiness loosened his tongue, but Colin found it easy to let words spill forth. "I know it's supposed to be this big step. It means you're serious and committed and trust one another. I'm sure it was the same for Neil and....but I can't forget what happened. Or what I promised." The last sentence he could only say under his breath. "Those months-they almost tore my family apart."

A few moments passed before Bradley spoke. "I know, but...that doesn't mean it'll happen to us."

Colin thought that it almost had, or at least that the past week had set them on the path towards going their separate ways. They were turning away from that possibility now, but it all felt very brittle. "Is it that important to you?"

It took a few moments for Bradley to answer. "Not important enough to go through another week like this. But I still wouldn't mind finding out what it's like. Without."

Colin tucked himself closer to Bradley. He'd suspected as much. And perhaps he was a bit curious about it as well, but it would take time until he'd be able to think about it as something desirable and not a trigger for an immobilising panic. "All right. I'll think about it, but I don't know if-"

"Yeah." This time, Bradley sounded as if he understood. He kissed the side of Colin's neck.

And then there was one other thing. "I'm-I'm really fucking sorry for last night."

"I know." Bradley's arm around Colin tightened.

It occurred to Colin that perhaps Bradley hadn't only been angry with him because of the physical aspects of nearly-cheating, but because he might be worried that Colin was drifting away. "It's good to be back home again."

"You've barely been away for a day." Bradley's attempted teasing sounded more convincing this time around.

"It felt long," Colin replied quietly. He remained awake until Bradley's breathing became even and deep, only allowing himself to drift off afterward.

~*~*~

They woke up in the same position in which they had gone to sleep. Colin rolled onto his back, pushing against Bradley. Still drowsy, Bradley was happy enough to allow Colin to manhandle him until he lay half-across Colin, his face pressed against his chest and one of his arms tucked under Colin's shoulder.

"Feels like we slept forever and yet not half long enough," Bradley mumbled.

Colin reached for Bradley's mobile and squinted at the display. "It's past two."

"Hmm." Bradley didn't care that they had slept half the day away. In fact, he didn't want to move at all. He was more than content to stay in bed with Colin, warm and tangled together. It might help to nudge things farther away from "utterly fucked up" and towards "mostly all right."

Colin's hand wound into Bradley's hair, twisting into the curls at his nape. "D'you remember when you shagged me on my birthday?"

"You mean that time in your too small bed with your parents two doors away?"

"Yeah. That was-I think that's my favourite."

"Why that one?" Bradley untucked his hand and stretched his arm out alongside Colin's. His fingers found the leather band on Colin's wrist and he pushed against it until his thumb slid under it. There was a slight hitch to Colin's next breath.

"Because you were trying so hard to keep quiet and you couldn't. And we were still a bit pissed from the party even though it was, what, four in the morning? And because...I'd never had anyone in that bed with me before."

"Really?" Bradley traced over the skin hidden under the braided leather.

"Yeah. Fiachra and I always used to go over to his house because his parents were never at home."

Bradley had to admit that it gave him a little thrill to know that. "So I took your bed's virginity. Quite the accomplishment, that." Colin's laughter almost dislodged Bradley from his comfortable resting place. "It is," he muttered. To emphasize his point, of course, not to hear Colin laugh again.

"What's yours? Your favourite?" Colin asked.

Bradley pretended to think long and hard about this even though he thought of something immediately. "Well," he said. "Matt's This-is-not-a-Christmas-party, I reckon."

"Oh. Yeah. That was-"

Rolling more fully on top of Colin, Bradley replied, "Bloody fantastic?"

Colin nodded. "Hadn't seen you for six weeks, and you insisted we had to go to this party-"

"Matt's one of my best mates from DC, so I had to go, couldn't have got out of it-"

"And you kept looking at me-"

"Nearly drove me spare being in the same room and not being able to do anything." Bradley's hand snuck under the green T-shirt, feeling for and finding Colin's hip.

"That's why bathrooms are such a wonderful thing. Convenient, too."

"Mmmhmm."

"Did you-" Colin glanced at the bedside table, "Did you buy new ones?"

"Yeah."

Bradley received a smile in response-one of those startlingly happy ones that he always had to kiss off Colin's face immediately.

~***~

Colin had Bradley crowded against the headboard in a way that didn't allow him to move much; half-way between sitting up and lying down, with Colin being far too calculating still, considering that Bradley had already been reduced to incoherent sounds a few minutes ago. Colin wasn't even moving all that much, the arse, just these stuttering little twists of his hips, as if he wasn't as far inside Bradley as he could go.

There was also the insistent press of Colin's hand against the back of his knee, keeping him in place and open to whatever struck Colin's fancy. Bradley might be quite flexible, but there was a twinge spreading down his leg that he tried to twist away from. When he turned his head away, the palm of Colin's hand stopped him with a hushed "no, don't, want to see you" and Bradley looked back up at Colin, at the flush across his cheeks, his open mouth, his eyes filled with want.

Holding his gaze, Bradley pushed the heel of his hand along the length of Colin's back, all the way down to the curve of his arse. He flattened out his fingers and pushed farther, not being able to reach far enough to press inside him, but enough to tease. Colin's eyes fluttered shut, and for a moment, he didn't move at all, merely trembling, holding himself on the edge.

But whatever tenuous hold Colin had on his control snapped, and he rocked forward into Bradley, sharp uneven thrusts, and Bradley thought fuck yes, finally. He folded his arms around Colin's shoulders, holding him as close as could, melting against him.

~***~

It was past four o'clock in the afternoon when they were having breakfast. Bradley was on his third slice of toast before he really noticed it, feeling absolutely starved. Almost as if he hadn't been eating all week, which, considering, maybe he hadn't. The details of the past days were already a bit fuzzy, covered over with all the memories of the past few hours.

Colin perched on a chair across from Bradley, knees drawn up and chin resting on top of them. One of his hands toyed with the handle of his cup, pushing it back and forth. Bradley liked Colin's pensive moods because they allowed him lasting glances without being caught. Or so he liked to think. One could never be quite sure with Colin. Bradley was certain, however, that Colin's mind was pursuing whatever odd paths it often meandered along, and wasn't preoccupied with their recent arguments. It had taken a while for Bradley to understand that when Colin became absent-minded around him it wasn't a sign of disinterest but rather of comfort. Bradley often squashed the bubbling sort of joy that this display of trust brought with it, considering it far too sentimental, but right now he revelled in it.

When Bradley reached across the table for the jar of raspberry jam, Colin smiled at him for a fleeting moment before taking his hand between both of his. His fingers worried Bradley's ring.

"Can I?" Colin asked.

Bradley frowned, wondering where this might lead. "Sure."

Colin twisted the ring off of Bradley's thumb and slid it onto his, splaying his fingers and looking at his hand. Then he took it off and tried it on his other fingers, studying the way the ring fit for a moment before moving on. Bradley firmly ignored the way his heart skitted out of its steady beat when Colin arrived at his ring finger. He also most certainly did not need to find a more relaxed way of sitting because his pyjama bottoms had inexplicably shrunk in the last few minutes.

Bradley jumped when Every move you make / Every step you take / I'll be watching you began to emanate from his mobile. Of course. Only his mother would have that kind of timing.

Colin glanced at the display and then closed a hand over the phone. "Let me." He barely waited for Bradley's nod before answering the call. "Hi, this is Colin." He paused. "Um, it's Colin, Colin Morgan."

Bradley started drumming his fingers on the table.

Colin laughed. "Yeah, that's right. Um, Bradley's just gone out at the minute. Can I take a message?"

As Colin umm-ed and ahh-ed, he laid his hand over Bradley's with a firm squeeze. Bradley felt his own ring press against his skin, strangely unfamiliar and yet welcome.

"I'll be sure to tell him. And I'm really sorry we couldn't make it for lunch today, but I was in Ireland until just this morning and-" He paused, listening. "Oh, thanks. It was-it was good fun, yeah."

When a flush began to creep up Colin's neck, dread tingled through Bradley. Colin looked up at him and said, "Well, erm, I can't speak for Bradley, but I-I do fancy him quite a bit, yeah."

Bradley wanted to die. And perhaps strangle his mum. Just a bit. He also forgot to breathe until Colin mouthed it's okay at him.

Colin sent one of his flirty little smiles in Bradley's direction when he said, "Yes, I promise to tell Bradley that he needs to tell me that he fancies me, too." His smile grew even wider. "It was lovely talking to you, too." One more pause and one more uhuh later, Colin finally said bye and hung up.

Bradley was too shell-shocked to actually say something.

"All right there?" Colin asked, barely suppressing his amusement.

"What on earth was she on about?"

"She was very nice, and she suggested that you might fancy me, but might not quite know what to do about that."

"She did not." Bradley gripped Colin's hand tighter than was probably necessary. Colin didn't seem to mind.

"She did. Told you she had us figured out."

"So the cat's out of the bag."

"More like out of the closet."

Bradley groaned. "Fucking perfect."

"She seems fine about it." Colin's voice was softer now. "So, d'you fancy me?"

There was still a trace of amusement in Colin's eyes, but Bradley knew that the question was serious. He felt Colin's thumb swipe over his knuckles and wondered if Colin was even aware of the movement or if it was unconscious, having become a habit. It once again struck Bradley how deeply Colin had embedded himself into his life and how unwilling he was to give that up. He wanted Colin there, in every nook and cranny, even if it was sometimes overwhelming and difficult.

"Yes," Bradley finally said. "Quite a bit, in fact."

Colin ducked his head behind his knees, but the crinkles at the corners of his eyes gave away that he was smiling. "Glad we've settled that, then."

"Very." Bradley toyed with his ring, making it slide around Colin's finger. "Ready to give that back now?"

"Not yet. I'm thinking I might keep it for a while."

Bradley barely managed not to squirm in his chair. "Is that so?"

Colin nodded, grinning quite cheekily, as if he was fully aware of what effects his insistence had on Bradley.

"Well." Bradley slowly pushed his chair back. "I might have to impose some sort of fee for lending the ring to you. As it is of considerable value to me."

"Hmm. I suppose that would be fair." Colin walked around the table. "Do you think you might accept that fee in form of-" He straddled Bradley and leaned in to whisper into his ear. "Services rendered?"

A shudder rolled through Bradley's entire body. With a firm grip on Colin's arse, he replied, "Yes."

The end.

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