because right now, what i feel is pretty far the opposite of progress. i don't see ways to accept myself at all. i'm pretty horrified about all the mistakes and omissions and ways in which i can't measure up to fucking anything, the way i've been bested by everybody in my life, the way there is nothing in me that shines on its own except for my own ability to beat myself up.
i'm overwhelmed by my own resistance to accepting myself because frankly, i just don't want to. i find all the mistakes and ways in which i've utterly fucked up my life to be completely horrifying.
There seems to be greater clarity in how there is a desire to enjoy things for the sake of enjoying them, and an obvious division between the part of yourself that enjoyed the bike ride for itself and the part that takes the event itself and disseminates it into competition
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because right now, what i feel is pretty far the opposite of progress. i don't see ways to accept myself at all. i'm pretty horrified about all the mistakes and omissions and ways in which i can't measure up to fucking anything, the way i've been bested by everybody in my life, the way there is nothing in me that shines on its own except for my own ability to beat myself up.
i'm overwhelmed by my own resistance to accepting myself because frankly, i just don't want to. i find all the mistakes and ways in which i've utterly fucked up my life to be completely horrifying.
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