Neutral Tones
Neutral Tones
By Thomas Hardy (1840-1928)
WE stood by a pond that winter day,
And the sun was white, as though chidden of God,
And a few leaves lay on the starving sod,
-They had fallen from an ash, and were gray.
Your eyes on me were as eyes that rove
Over tedious riddles solved years ago;
And some words played between us to and fro-
On which lost the more by our love.
The smile on your mouth was the deadest thing
Alive enough to have strength to die;
And a grin of bitterness swept thereby
Like an ominous bird a-wing….
Since then, keen lessons that love deceives,
And wrings with wrong, have shaped to me
Your face, and the God-curst sun, and a tree,
And a pond edged with grayish leaves.
Title: Unnamed
Fandom/Original: Roleplay, Original
Pairing(s): Kirito/Miyavi
Rating: PG
Warning(s): Real person fanfiction & implications of homosexuality.
Summary: See notes.
Notes
Although this story was originally based on a roleplay I was participating in where Miyavi had been left by Kirito and lost his will to live, the way it is written, it can also stand as an original story as well. I'm extremely proud of this piece, even now because I felt I really captured the essence of the character that I had created (as Miyavi does not behave in reality the way he does in my roleplay) and his relationship with another. However, I think it's a little amusing that my teacher believed this to be a female narrator rather than male. Of course, she was not given this disclaimer either.
Response
I felt alive when I was with you. I could feel my heart beat in my chest, even though it had long since ceased. I felt hunger, fatigue, pain and joy. These feelings had left me so long ago. But just with a single look, a simple touch, you revived all of this in me. The dark, empty, and cold world I had not really left flew miles and miles away behind me. What happened to us?
Sometimes, I think the gods are mocking me. They give me such beautiful gifts and, just ask quickly as it was given, steal them from me. Now when I sit beside you, the world feels as though it did before I knew the joy of being in love. Although you are less than a foot away from me, I feel our hearts are on other sides of the world. My words are lost on the wind; you cannot see my tears behind my smile. I don’t want you to hear it. I don’t want you to worry about it.
It’s cold and I can feel winter’s breath biting at my skin. A sensation I had forgotten from the warmth I had felt for a few years. We’re sitting at the lake. We share so many fond memories here. Sneaking out, away from her, where you were mine and I was yours. We consummated our love here so many times. I felt alive in those times. And now, as we sit here at this once beautiful place, I couldn’t feel more aware of what I lack.
You make my heart stop. You take my breath away. A cloud passed overhead in the winter sky, blocking the sun. I was left in the dark and the cold.
“I don’t love you.”
I purse my lips. What could I say to that? After all the time that had passed by, after all the disapproval of our love, after all the hiding and secrets…my love…it was not strong enough to reach you, was it?
Were you just my sun? Did you just bless me with life and warmth, but really you were so far away that I never felt your touch? No, that can’t be. I remember your touch. I remember how alive it made me feel. If it wasn’t true, why would it hurt this much to hear those words pass your lips? Could you have thrown me from heaven to hell so easily with just four words if I had not felt your touch? Besides, I can no longer see you.
No, you are my phoenix. You bestowed rebirth upon me, but now you are flying closer and closer to the sun. You have chosen her. And I can only merely stand here on the ground and watch you until it becomes too bright and too hard for me to bear witness to.
I close my eyes and let an uneasy breath go. It is the last. When I open my eyes again, the colors are bleeding. Slowly, as though the world were bleeding, everything fades to shades of gray. I cannot tell where the trees end and the heavens begin. But even with this loss, even with this pain, I am not selfish. I love you far too much to do something like that to you. I let you go. I just ask one thing of you: one kiss, just one final kiss. You oblige and I begin to memorize.
Soft and tender, our tongues begin to meet. I memorize ever detail of you. I try so desperately to imprint the feeling of your lips on mine, the passionate battle between our tongues, your arms around me. But it is all so much to take in. I feel tears pricking my eyes, fear rising that I would forget all of this. The kiss is broken. It was too soon.
And you’re gone. I search the spot where you used to be. And just like that day, I’m back at the lake again. It’s foolish of me. You’re not there. But as I sit here, in my spot beside where you should be, I can feel it faintly. I can feel your loving touch, your warmth. I can feel my heart stir. It is a great pain and I feel it every single day. But no matter how great the aching and yearning I have in my heart, I am grateful. I can live like this, without you, but I cannot live without my memories of you in these shades of gray. They are the only things to hold me at night. They are the only things keeping me here, in my meaningless existence.
But they are not the same. They are only faint reminders of what used to be. And selfishly, I want all of that back.
I pray. I pray that someday, my beloved phoenix will return to me and bring all the light, color, and warmth back to my heart.
By Thomas Hardy (1840-1928)
WE stood by a pond that winter day,
And the sun was white, as though chidden of God,
And a few leaves lay on the starving sod,
-They had fallen from an ash, and were gray.
Your eyes on me were as eyes that rove
Over tedious riddles solved years ago;
And some words played between us to and fro-
On which lost the more by our love.
The smile on your mouth was the deadest thing
Alive enough to have strength to die;
And a grin of bitterness swept thereby
Like an ominous bird a-wing….
Since then, keen lessons that love deceives,
And wrings with wrong, have shaped to me
Your face, and the God-curst sun, and a tree,
And a pond edged with grayish leaves.
Title: Unnamed
Fandom/Original: Roleplay, Original
Pairing(s): Kirito/Miyavi
Rating: PG
Warning(s): Real person fanfiction & implications of homosexuality.
Summary: See notes.
Notes
Although this story was originally based on a roleplay I was participating in where Miyavi had been left by Kirito and lost his will to live, the way it is written, it can also stand as an original story as well. I'm extremely proud of this piece, even now because I felt I really captured the essence of the character that I had created (as Miyavi does not behave in reality the way he does in my roleplay) and his relationship with another. However, I think it's a little amusing that my teacher believed this to be a female narrator rather than male. Of course, she was not given this disclaimer either.
Response
I felt alive when I was with you. I could feel my heart beat in my chest, even though it had long since ceased. I felt hunger, fatigue, pain and joy. These feelings had left me so long ago. But just with a single look, a simple touch, you revived all of this in me. The dark, empty, and cold world I had not really left flew miles and miles away behind me. What happened to us?
Sometimes, I think the gods are mocking me. They give me such beautiful gifts and, just ask quickly as it was given, steal them from me. Now when I sit beside you, the world feels as though it did before I knew the joy of being in love. Although you are less than a foot away from me, I feel our hearts are on other sides of the world. My words are lost on the wind; you cannot see my tears behind my smile. I don’t want you to hear it. I don’t want you to worry about it.
It’s cold and I can feel winter’s breath biting at my skin. A sensation I had forgotten from the warmth I had felt for a few years. We’re sitting at the lake. We share so many fond memories here. Sneaking out, away from her, where you were mine and I was yours. We consummated our love here so many times. I felt alive in those times. And now, as we sit here at this once beautiful place, I couldn’t feel more aware of what I lack.
You make my heart stop. You take my breath away. A cloud passed overhead in the winter sky, blocking the sun. I was left in the dark and the cold.
“I don’t love you.”
I purse my lips. What could I say to that? After all the time that had passed by, after all the disapproval of our love, after all the hiding and secrets…my love…it was not strong enough to reach you, was it?
Were you just my sun? Did you just bless me with life and warmth, but really you were so far away that I never felt your touch? No, that can’t be. I remember your touch. I remember how alive it made me feel. If it wasn’t true, why would it hurt this much to hear those words pass your lips? Could you have thrown me from heaven to hell so easily with just four words if I had not felt your touch? Besides, I can no longer see you.
No, you are my phoenix. You bestowed rebirth upon me, but now you are flying closer and closer to the sun. You have chosen her. And I can only merely stand here on the ground and watch you until it becomes too bright and too hard for me to bear witness to.
I close my eyes and let an uneasy breath go. It is the last. When I open my eyes again, the colors are bleeding. Slowly, as though the world were bleeding, everything fades to shades of gray. I cannot tell where the trees end and the heavens begin. But even with this loss, even with this pain, I am not selfish. I love you far too much to do something like that to you. I let you go. I just ask one thing of you: one kiss, just one final kiss. You oblige and I begin to memorize.
Soft and tender, our tongues begin to meet. I memorize ever detail of you. I try so desperately to imprint the feeling of your lips on mine, the passionate battle between our tongues, your arms around me. But it is all so much to take in. I feel tears pricking my eyes, fear rising that I would forget all of this. The kiss is broken. It was too soon.
And you’re gone. I search the spot where you used to be. And just like that day, I’m back at the lake again. It’s foolish of me. You’re not there. But as I sit here, in my spot beside where you should be, I can feel it faintly. I can feel your loving touch, your warmth. I can feel my heart stir. It is a great pain and I feel it every single day. But no matter how great the aching and yearning I have in my heart, I am grateful. I can live like this, without you, but I cannot live without my memories of you in these shades of gray. They are the only things to hold me at night. They are the only things keeping me here, in my meaningless existence.
But they are not the same. They are only faint reminders of what used to be. And selfishly, I want all of that back.
I pray. I pray that someday, my beloved phoenix will return to me and bring all the light, color, and warmth back to my heart.