How Should My Query Begin?

[cloudscudding]

It's been brought to my attention that my 1st draft query has, er, a first paragraph sucks* problem.

Poll How Should My Query Begin?

Original: Valinda only remembers life as a vicesteed, living in a theme park of depravity where her experiences are broadcast to a discerning audience. One of her scripted experiences goes wrong, leaving the other vicesteed severely injured.

Comments

[fayde]

I agree about "evil Old Earth", although, I have no problem with Old Earth, if Earth is now a one nation planet. Old New York sounds nice... but, yeah, I'd leave off the word "evil", it sounds too much like the new world is now run by the vatican and all sin has been cast out.

[cloudscudding]

Ha--Earth is now asteroid bombed into a ruin. By these people.

Anywhoo....I see your point and it's a good one.

[cloudscudding]

I see your point about "evil" and it's a good one.

[ms_curmudge0n]

Hmmm. How 'bout this?:
"Valinda can’t remember what her life was before she became a vicesteed, living in a theme park that recreates Old Earth’s vices while her experiences are broadcast to an audience unknown to her. One of her "scenes" goes wrong, leaving another vicesteed dying at her feet. Fearing she’ll follow her friend’s fate, Valinda uses her augmented strength and speed to flee into an unfamiliar world. She’ll kick as much ass as necessary to find out who she was, who took away her memories, and what she really did in her role as a vicesteed."

NB I don't know what kinds of things you need to include in these letters - does it need to mention the Victorian setting, for instance?

Good luck - I'd definitely read it!

[fayde]

I really like this one too! Except for the "She'll kick as much ass as necessary" phrase. I find that awkward. Maybe, "She'll do what she has to do to find out...", or, "She'll go to any length to find out..."

[cloudscudding]

Yeah, I think the Victorian setting is key. And thanks!

[fayde]

Valinda's only memories are of life as a vicesteed, a person who enacts [the] dangerous or[and] taboo scenarios [of 21st century Earth] and has their sensations transmitted to an unknown audience. One [day/night]of her scripted experiences goes wrong, leaving the other vicesteed dying at her feet. During the clinic visit afterwards, she overhears a plan to wipe out her memory--again. Using the augmented strength and speed she's been given, she breaks out and flees. She finds herself in an unfamiliar Victorian world where she must fight to find out who she was, who took away her memories, and what she really did in her role as a vicesteed.