Attempting a 3-Sentence Summary.

[cloudscudding]

In a Victorian steampunk future, QUINCY is a private investigator ordered to find the cause of the comatose Prince Consort's affliction. Two very different women are the key to solving this locked-room mystery: VALINDA, a former vicesteed searching for her identity--and her revenge--after escaping a theme park of depravity where her experiences

Comments

[birdfigment]

Well, it makes me want to read it...!

[cloudscudding]

That's the desired effect! ;)

[cloudscudding]

Colons and semi-colons don't count! Most of the time.

Is it clearer if I say, "the comatose Prince Consort's fatal affliction," or does that just make his status more confusing?

[cloudscudding]

Good suggestion!

They've got a 150-word limit, too, and I clock in at just past 100, so I figure it's okay.

[anonymous]

"with an unfeminine inclination to build clockwork automata and dangerous ties to a rebel underground."

might be better rearranged:

"with dangerous ties to a rebel underground and an unfeminine inclination to build clockwork automata."

The former can be read as her having an inclination to build ties with a rebel underground.

I agree that if you are going to mention "another murder" you'll have to have said something about the first murder(s?).

Otherwise, this sounds succinct and interesting.

-Jason

[cloudscudding]

Hee. "Let's build ties with the rebels!"

[cloudscudding]

Note to self: "unraveling" "unravel"

[marydell]

The last word or phrase should be something punchy, given that everything before that sounds awesome - "another murder" is a little flat.

Also I don't know if you're allowed to use a semicolon before an "and." It sounds fine, and less run-onny than a comma would be, but it may be ungrammatical.

[cloudscudding]

Thanks for looking!

Yeah, I changed it to just "murder."

I believe semi-colons are okay for separating long items with internal punctuation in a list.