Yeah.
Kon, I'm sorry.
Buffy's sure somewhere, somehow, there's a good idea in there. She's not really sure where, but Kon's not usually completely insane, so some part of it makes sense. Somehow. Really.
"Kon," she says finally.
"Yeah?"
"On a scale from one to bad idea, this is the worst idea ever."
"That's a really bad scale."
"Totally beside the point."
"It's not that bad an idea."
"How is a double date with your alternate universe daddies not the worst idea ever?"
"It could be a date with my regular universe...don't call them that."
"Okay, point."
Buffy snerks.
"What?"
"You're nervous."
"I am not."
"You're fidgeting with your tie. The fact that you're even wearing a tie means you have got to be pretty nervous."
"Lex is rich. It might be classy."
Buffy takes a minute to adjust his collar, because if she does it he might be convinced it actually looks right. "I bet Clark's still wearing flannel."
Kon shudders. "And you know," he says.
"Yeah?"
"It's not a double date."
"Course not."
"Because they're not dating."
"Course not."
"They're just friends."
"Best friends."
"Good friends."
"Good friends."
"And Clark's got Lana."
"Right."
"And then he'll get Lois."
"Right."
"And not Luthor."
"Right."
"Even though they all have the same initials."
"Yeah, what's up with that?"
"I don't know. Where's Bart?"
"Bart's not actually coming, right? Does Bart even know where we're going?"
Kon looks shifty. "I told him double date with Clark and Lana."
"Kon."
"Yeah?"
"About denial."
"What?" he asks defensively.
"It's a river."
Kon looks at Buffy. She smiles innocently.
"Hi guys sorry I'm late Max wanted me to make a bookshelf in normal speed and it took a really long time," says Bart.
"'sokay," says Buffy. "Thanks for taking us."
Bart grins, and takes Kon first, which is good, because it gives Buffy time to consider all the ways in which this is going to be the single worst date ever.
She thinks, not for the first time, that if she didn't love him so much, she probably would have killed Kon by now.
They go to Clark's first, because dealing with Lex without having Clark with them seems beyond stupid, and there's always the possibility that Lex's dad will be involved, in which case Kon wants to hide behind Clark because Buffy's too short to hide behind very well.
Even if he does try.
Mrs. Kent gets the door, and she always weirds both of them out because she's like Mrs. Kent from their world, except not, and Kon doesn't call her Ma, and Clark doesn't call her Ma, which is even weirder.
"Hello, Conner, Buffy," says Mrs. Kent. She always insists on calling Kon by his full name, which is weird, because she's convinced it's not Kon despite no one actually telling her that. "Clark should be down in a minute."
"Thanks, Mrs. Kent," they chorus.
While her back's turned, Kon adjusts his collar again. Bart managed to accidentally lose Kon's tie on the way over, so Buffy has to take him out for ice cream, but it's worth it because Kon looks a lot better and more relaxed without it. Although at this point more relaxed is a very relative term.
Clark comes down a minute later, in what Buffy assumes is his dress flannel, because it looks nicer than his normal flannel. Kon twitches, which is pretty cool.
"Hi guys," says Clark. "We can take the truck if..." he considers for a moment. "You guys don't mind squeezing in, right? Three people's a tough fit, but Buffy if you sit on Kon's lap..."
"I bet we can figure something out."
"Actually, when we get to Lex's he'll probably want to drive."
Buffy takes Kon's hand casually because she notices it shaking, and she figures she can maybe hide that before Clark notices. If he does, he doesn't comment, and instead motions them towards the car.
"So what's the occasion?"
"Occasion?" asks Kon.
"For wanting to have dinner."
"Urk--" says Kon.
"It's just this thing we do," says Buffy. "Y'know, keeping up with people from camp. Me and Kon and Bart. And sometimes Robin, except usually not, cuz, well, Robin plus social usually does not compute. But Bart had something come up, so. Just us."
"That makes sense," says Clark. Kon resumes normal breathing. "How's everybody else?"
"Basically readjusted. Some people are even over the fear of milk."
"Fear of milk?" asks Clark.
"Don't ask," says Kon quickly.
"If you don't have it, you don't want it," agrees Buffy.
"Right," says Clark.
There's an awkward silence.
"Good to be back?" asks Kon.
"Yeah. I mean, I wasn't there as long as you guys, but still. I had chores to do."
Buffy elbows Kon in the ribs before he can say anything about this being the lamest thing ever to be said in the history of everything, because, really, the night is young, and he'll probably want that statement later.
They somehow manage to make small talk without any casualties until they get to Lex's, at which point Kon's shaking gets a little worse and Buffy squeezes his hand and thoughtfully does not remind him that this was his idea.
Lex is of course not wearing a tie but manages to look at least twenty times classier than Kon does with one, and Buffy can tell Kon notices.
"Good evening," says Lex.
Buffy squeezes Kon's hand harder.
"Clark, I assume you don't mind taking my car."
"I figured you'd say that."
"We wouldn't want to make Buffy squeeze in. It might wrinkle her skirt."
"And we couldn't have that," says Buffy, wondering if she's allowed to kill Kon during the date or if she should wait for after.
Kon snakes his arm around her waist as they walk and whispers, "I love you."
Fine. After.
It's not like dinner is a disaster, because that implies that there's some sort of singe terrible event that destroys it, as far as Buffy's concerned. And, to be fair, they do get attacked by some kid who's been affected by a meteor rock so that he has heat vision and claws, but if every date Buffy and Kon went on that was interrupted by random combat counted as a disaster, they'd have the worst track record in the history of the teenage relationships.
Dinner is more just awkward. Because Kon's fidgeting and Buffy's trying to have a normal conversation that involves Lex as little as possible except that doesn't really work, and Lex is just sort of smooth and slick and that just makes everything worse, and Buffy is never letting Kon forget that this sucked and was his idea.
"How are the vampires, Buffy?" asks Lex.
"Blood-sucky," says Buffy. "Also nocturnal. Basically what you'd expect from vampires."
"But they aren't giving you any problems."
"No, basically got the whole stop-and-stake process down at this point."
"Does Kon help?"
"When he's not busy with homework and stuff," says Buffy.
"And saving his own world."
"That too."
"It must be very hard for the two of you to maintain your relationship, with your heavy...workloads."
"Yeah, well," says Buffy, losing her patience, "the sex really makes up for it."
Okay, so maybe the badness isn't entirely Kon's fault.
Buffy had somehow, she's not really sure how, managed to not think about the bill.
"Your credit might not even work," says Lex smoothly. "I can cover it."
"It worked before."
"The camp was a different case. I wouldn't want you to get in any sort of trouble."
Buffy hates when Lex makes logical sense. Not as much as Kon hates it, of course, but she still hates it a lot.
"Trouble?" asks Kon, gritting his teeth.
"Credit fraud is very serious," replies Lex. Kon trying to win a disagreement with Lex is always sad, because Lex is so much better at disagreements than Kon is.
Buffy touches Kon's arm, and when that doesn't work, applies pressure until he notices. Buffy likes Slayer strength.
"Ow--" starts Kon, and then looks at her.
Buffy smiles. "We're kinda on their good side what with the managing to get rid of the bad guy with a minimum of property damage, so let's not make them think we're wanted criminals with illegal credit or anything. We can pay him back later. When one of us has actual cash."
"It's not necessary," says Lex, handing the waitress his card.
"Yes it is," say Kon and Buffy at the same time.
Lex raises one eyebrow.
"Our parents raised us right," says Buffy.
"Yeah," says Kon after a second.
"Um. Very right."
"Yeah."
"So we have to pay."
Lex continues to raise his eyebrow.
"Do you guys need a ride anywhere?" asks Clark to break the deeply uncomfortable silence.
"We can get a pickup from here," says Buffy. "You guys go ahead."
"We should do this more often," says Lex.
"Yeah," says Kon, looking at him like he grew another head, which is Kon's standard look for Luthor other than unadulterated loathing, so at least he's probably used to it.
"Thank you for a lovely evening," says Lex with a smirk, kissing Buffy's hand.
Buffy wonders if the restaurant will loan her some bleach.
Kon looks like he's going to kill something.
"Yeah, we had a great time," says Clark, who's looking at Lex disapprovingly.
"Ditto," says Buffy, in the hopes that they'll leave sooner and she can wash her hands. For the next hour.
"Yeah," says Kon.
By the time Buffy gets out of the bathroom Bart's already taken Kon back to his apartment, and he's just waiting on Buffy.
"How was it?" he asks.
"Could've been worse," says Buffy carefully.
"That's what Kon said," says Bart. "That doesn't sound very good."
"Well, y'know. We're not very good at double dates."
"Really?" asks Bart, picking her up to take her back. "But you guys are really good at regular dates."
"We're cool like that," agrees Buffy.
"Does their Clark like Lana better than he likes Lois?"
"He hasn't met Lois yet."
"Oh. So he likes her the best now but when Lois shows up he'll like her better?"
"Or something."
Bart leaves her at Kon's apartment, and when she goes in Kon looks up sheepishly.
"So that could've been worse, right?"
"You so owe me."
"I know. And I owe Luthor for dinner."
"Maybe we can mail him money. Across dimensions. So we have to never see them again."
"It seemed like a good idea."
"Lots of ideas do."
"On a scale from one to pissed, you're..."
"Maybe three."
"Oh. Good."
"I bet you can make it up to me somehow," she says.
Kon knows a hint when he hears one.
"That was mean, Lex," says Clark sullenly.
"I was being polite."
"Kissing someone else's girlfriend--"
"On the hand."
"On the hand--isn't polite. It's provoking."
"She's a very attractive girl. He should learn to deal with the possibility that other people might think so too."
"Lex."
"Yes, Clark?"
"You were being mean."
"I was having fun, Clark. Dates are supposed to be fun."
Clark gives him a look, which Lex returns calmly.
It is generally agreed that they're never doing this again.
Buffy's sure somewhere, somehow, there's a good idea in there. She's not really sure where, but Kon's not usually completely insane, so some part of it makes sense. Somehow. Really.
"Kon," she says finally.
"Yeah?"
"On a scale from one to bad idea, this is the worst idea ever."
"That's a really bad scale."
"Totally beside the point."
"It's not that bad an idea."
"How is a double date with your alternate universe daddies not the worst idea ever?"
"It could be a date with my regular universe...don't call them that."
"Okay, point."
Buffy snerks.
"What?"
"You're nervous."
"I am not."
"You're fidgeting with your tie. The fact that you're even wearing a tie means you have got to be pretty nervous."
"Lex is rich. It might be classy."
Buffy takes a minute to adjust his collar, because if she does it he might be convinced it actually looks right. "I bet Clark's still wearing flannel."
Kon shudders. "And you know," he says.
"Yeah?"
"It's not a double date."
"Course not."
"Because they're not dating."
"Course not."
"They're just friends."
"Best friends."
"Good friends."
"Good friends."
"And Clark's got Lana."
"Right."
"And then he'll get Lois."
"Right."
"And not Luthor."
"Right."
"Even though they all have the same initials."
"Yeah, what's up with that?"
"I don't know. Where's Bart?"
"Bart's not actually coming, right? Does Bart even know where we're going?"
Kon looks shifty. "I told him double date with Clark and Lana."
"Kon."
"Yeah?"
"About denial."
"What?" he asks defensively.
"It's a river."
Kon looks at Buffy. She smiles innocently.
"Hi guys sorry I'm late Max wanted me to make a bookshelf in normal speed and it took a really long time," says Bart.
"'sokay," says Buffy. "Thanks for taking us."
Bart grins, and takes Kon first, which is good, because it gives Buffy time to consider all the ways in which this is going to be the single worst date ever.
She thinks, not for the first time, that if she didn't love him so much, she probably would have killed Kon by now.
They go to Clark's first, because dealing with Lex without having Clark with them seems beyond stupid, and there's always the possibility that Lex's dad will be involved, in which case Kon wants to hide behind Clark because Buffy's too short to hide behind very well.
Even if he does try.
Mrs. Kent gets the door, and she always weirds both of them out because she's like Mrs. Kent from their world, except not, and Kon doesn't call her Ma, and Clark doesn't call her Ma, which is even weirder.
"Hello, Conner, Buffy," says Mrs. Kent. She always insists on calling Kon by his full name, which is weird, because she's convinced it's not Kon despite no one actually telling her that. "Clark should be down in a minute."
"Thanks, Mrs. Kent," they chorus.
While her back's turned, Kon adjusts his collar again. Bart managed to accidentally lose Kon's tie on the way over, so Buffy has to take him out for ice cream, but it's worth it because Kon looks a lot better and more relaxed without it. Although at this point more relaxed is a very relative term.
Clark comes down a minute later, in what Buffy assumes is his dress flannel, because it looks nicer than his normal flannel. Kon twitches, which is pretty cool.
"Hi guys," says Clark. "We can take the truck if..." he considers for a moment. "You guys don't mind squeezing in, right? Three people's a tough fit, but Buffy if you sit on Kon's lap..."
"I bet we can figure something out."
"Actually, when we get to Lex's he'll probably want to drive."
Buffy takes Kon's hand casually because she notices it shaking, and she figures she can maybe hide that before Clark notices. If he does, he doesn't comment, and instead motions them towards the car.
"So what's the occasion?"
"Occasion?" asks Kon.
"For wanting to have dinner."
"Urk--" says Kon.
"It's just this thing we do," says Buffy. "Y'know, keeping up with people from camp. Me and Kon and Bart. And sometimes Robin, except usually not, cuz, well, Robin plus social usually does not compute. But Bart had something come up, so. Just us."
"That makes sense," says Clark. Kon resumes normal breathing. "How's everybody else?"
"Basically readjusted. Some people are even over the fear of milk."
"Fear of milk?" asks Clark.
"Don't ask," says Kon quickly.
"If you don't have it, you don't want it," agrees Buffy.
"Right," says Clark.
There's an awkward silence.
"Good to be back?" asks Kon.
"Yeah. I mean, I wasn't there as long as you guys, but still. I had chores to do."
Buffy elbows Kon in the ribs before he can say anything about this being the lamest thing ever to be said in the history of everything, because, really, the night is young, and he'll probably want that statement later.
They somehow manage to make small talk without any casualties until they get to Lex's, at which point Kon's shaking gets a little worse and Buffy squeezes his hand and thoughtfully does not remind him that this was his idea.
Lex is of course not wearing a tie but manages to look at least twenty times classier than Kon does with one, and Buffy can tell Kon notices.
"Good evening," says Lex.
Buffy squeezes Kon's hand harder.
"Clark, I assume you don't mind taking my car."
"I figured you'd say that."
"We wouldn't want to make Buffy squeeze in. It might wrinkle her skirt."
"And we couldn't have that," says Buffy, wondering if she's allowed to kill Kon during the date or if she should wait for after.
Kon snakes his arm around her waist as they walk and whispers, "I love you."
Fine. After.
It's not like dinner is a disaster, because that implies that there's some sort of singe terrible event that destroys it, as far as Buffy's concerned. And, to be fair, they do get attacked by some kid who's been affected by a meteor rock so that he has heat vision and claws, but if every date Buffy and Kon went on that was interrupted by random combat counted as a disaster, they'd have the worst track record in the history of the teenage relationships.
Dinner is more just awkward. Because Kon's fidgeting and Buffy's trying to have a normal conversation that involves Lex as little as possible except that doesn't really work, and Lex is just sort of smooth and slick and that just makes everything worse, and Buffy is never letting Kon forget that this sucked and was his idea.
"How are the vampires, Buffy?" asks Lex.
"Blood-sucky," says Buffy. "Also nocturnal. Basically what you'd expect from vampires."
"But they aren't giving you any problems."
"No, basically got the whole stop-and-stake process down at this point."
"Does Kon help?"
"When he's not busy with homework and stuff," says Buffy.
"And saving his own world."
"That too."
"It must be very hard for the two of you to maintain your relationship, with your heavy...workloads."
"Yeah, well," says Buffy, losing her patience, "the sex really makes up for it."
Okay, so maybe the badness isn't entirely Kon's fault.
Buffy had somehow, she's not really sure how, managed to not think about the bill.
"Your credit might not even work," says Lex smoothly. "I can cover it."
"It worked before."
"The camp was a different case. I wouldn't want you to get in any sort of trouble."
Buffy hates when Lex makes logical sense. Not as much as Kon hates it, of course, but she still hates it a lot.
"Trouble?" asks Kon, gritting his teeth.
"Credit fraud is very serious," replies Lex. Kon trying to win a disagreement with Lex is always sad, because Lex is so much better at disagreements than Kon is.
Buffy touches Kon's arm, and when that doesn't work, applies pressure until he notices. Buffy likes Slayer strength.
"Ow--" starts Kon, and then looks at her.
Buffy smiles. "We're kinda on their good side what with the managing to get rid of the bad guy with a minimum of property damage, so let's not make them think we're wanted criminals with illegal credit or anything. We can pay him back later. When one of us has actual cash."
"It's not necessary," says Lex, handing the waitress his card.
"Yes it is," say Kon and Buffy at the same time.
Lex raises one eyebrow.
"Our parents raised us right," says Buffy.
"Yeah," says Kon after a second.
"Um. Very right."
"Yeah."
"So we have to pay."
Lex continues to raise his eyebrow.
"Do you guys need a ride anywhere?" asks Clark to break the deeply uncomfortable silence.
"We can get a pickup from here," says Buffy. "You guys go ahead."
"We should do this more often," says Lex.
"Yeah," says Kon, looking at him like he grew another head, which is Kon's standard look for Luthor other than unadulterated loathing, so at least he's probably used to it.
"Thank you for a lovely evening," says Lex with a smirk, kissing Buffy's hand.
Buffy wonders if the restaurant will loan her some bleach.
Kon looks like he's going to kill something.
"Yeah, we had a great time," says Clark, who's looking at Lex disapprovingly.
"Ditto," says Buffy, in the hopes that they'll leave sooner and she can wash her hands. For the next hour.
"Yeah," says Kon.
By the time Buffy gets out of the bathroom Bart's already taken Kon back to his apartment, and he's just waiting on Buffy.
"How was it?" he asks.
"Could've been worse," says Buffy carefully.
"That's what Kon said," says Bart. "That doesn't sound very good."
"Well, y'know. We're not very good at double dates."
"Really?" asks Bart, picking her up to take her back. "But you guys are really good at regular dates."
"We're cool like that," agrees Buffy.
"Does their Clark like Lana better than he likes Lois?"
"He hasn't met Lois yet."
"Oh. So he likes her the best now but when Lois shows up he'll like her better?"
"Or something."
Bart leaves her at Kon's apartment, and when she goes in Kon looks up sheepishly.
"So that could've been worse, right?"
"You so owe me."
"I know. And I owe Luthor for dinner."
"Maybe we can mail him money. Across dimensions. So we have to never see them again."
"It seemed like a good idea."
"Lots of ideas do."
"On a scale from one to pissed, you're..."
"Maybe three."
"Oh. Good."
"I bet you can make it up to me somehow," she says.
Kon knows a hint when he hears one.
"That was mean, Lex," says Clark sullenly.
"I was being polite."
"Kissing someone else's girlfriend--"
"On the hand."
"On the hand--isn't polite. It's provoking."
"She's a very attractive girl. He should learn to deal with the possibility that other people might think so too."
"Lex."
"Yes, Clark?"
"You were being mean."
"I was having fun, Clark. Dates are supposed to be fun."
Clark gives him a look, which Lex returns calmly.
It is generally agreed that they're never doing this again.