The Talons of Weng-Chiang
Previous: The Robots of Death
The Talons of Weng-Chiang
"We don't want to be conspicuous, do we?" said the Time Lord wearing a Sherlock Holmes outfit.
Oh my god. TOM BAKER GETS TO USE TIME-FU ON CHINESE PEOPLE. I THINK.
Huh. I can see why this came under controversy for seeming racist.
Four makes absolutely no effort to conceal the fact that he and Leela live in a TARDIS. This amuses me a bit.
Fake floating dead body is fake.
"I've seen you before!"
"I know, we all look the same."
Okay, THAT was racist.
"Very good, sir, very good!" *Four cackles evilly*
"I think he's dead, sir."
A Jack the Ripper reference? I wonder if they ever did an episode based on that...
And now they're getting rats involved. Thank GOD they had a decent explanation to back it up.
"He was trying to KILL you!"
"...oh."
Ummm...they're in the SEWERS of VICTORIAN LONDON and they've made no remarks of the SMELL?
ATTACK OF THE HUMONGOUS MEGA-RAT!!!
Okay, I'm sorry, for the sake of giant-animal adversaries in this series, I have to make this joke:
"THERE'S A HUGE RAT IN THERE!"
"What do you mean?"
"I MEAN A RAT. THAT'S HUGE. AND WHEN I SAY HUGE, I MEAN FLIPPIN'. ENORMOUS."
Wait, the Time Agents were a thing back in the Classic series? And why does the helmet guy automatically assume that Four is one of them?
And they keep referring to the Chinese as being short. Okay, that's the last comment I'll make about how unusually insensitive this arc is.
Dear Tom Baker, your face is amazing. -Hannah
I think it's safe to say that Leela is the companion who gets the most exploited in the fish-out-of-water department. Pretty funny, really.
How is it that villains with helmets in the Whoniverse are ALWAYS gods of camp? Not that I'm complaining...
They haven't even started a fight scene and I hope Leela saves Professor Litefoot. I like him already.
So the Doctor just had a fake horse-head thrown at him and it was actually really creepy.
Helmet-guy just made a DRAMATIC SWINGING ESCAPE ON A ROPE! Wow...
HOLY SHIT. MR SIN IS PLAYED BY THE SAME GUY WHO PLAYED THE OOMPA-LOOMPAS IN CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY. MIND. BLOWN.
To recap: a warrior woman in Victorian dress just jumped out a window and prevented a Time Lord from being shot by a Chinese man. THIS SHOW.
I guess it's just one of the Doctor's general gimmicks to say "what could possibly go wrong?" every once in a while.
Leela, that's what happens when you try to take down Chinese gods: they sic giant rats on you.
Wait, so now LEELA gets to be the screaming companion-damsel-in-distress? Would be out of character if not for the GIANT MUTANT RAT.
Leela with boxes of clothes and Litefoot suddenly talking almost entirely in Jooster-speak makes me giggle a little.
"Clothes matter to women."
"They do?"
Increasing proof of Four's asexuality.
Okay never mind. His reaction to the new dress was *...pause...* "Very charming! Don't you think it's very charming, professor?"
and then "I'd be proud to take you to the theater looking like that!"
Wait...is that Helmet-man stuffing things into a giant purse? What?
And they said they "rarely" used the term "companion" in the Classic series. LIES.
OH SHIT HE'S GOING TO SHOOT THE DOCTOR FROM THE STAGE
Or...not? Wow, that was actually quite impressive.
So of COURSE Four is the "eager volunteer who will step into the Chamber of Death."
Aaaaaand, he just leaves. Everyone laughs. Nice.
Okay Four, would you mind giving some explanation of why you're suddenly onstage again and just standing there?
DEAD BODY
Leela seems to be fond of the phrase "his mind is broken."
Huh. And just when I though Chang was going to face the Humongous Mega-Rat like a man...
AND THEY SHOW IT TRYING TO EAT HIS BODY?!? I'M SORRY GUYS BUT THAT'S JUST A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH.
Wait...was that the American flag in the background? I...what? Why...?
Holy balls. It's like "the angels have the phone box"...except NOT. Also, Helmet-man IS Weng-Chiang and his is an EEEEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIL laugh!
An evil laugh, a helmet, AND a wolf howling? Jesus, Classic Who villains have it all.
And Litefoot just doesn't stay down. :D
Wait wait wait, Doctor what's all this about China and homunculi and Iceland and the year 5,000?
A homunculus with a literal pig-brain had "the pig part take over" and almost cause World War Six? I COULD NOT MAKE THAT UP IF I TRIED.
Wait...since when do pigs "revel in carnage"? I mean...WHAT?
Oh, "the bag" is the giant purse-thing.
The key in the lock with the paper and the door OH YEAH Jeeves did that once!
So now they're getting opium involved? Considering this is a family show, I guess it could count as A Very Special Episode by this point.
So I'm guessing Chang is the bad-guy-turned-good-guy-informant? Missing a leg and smoking away the pain on opium. Dayum.
But wait, how did THEY find the secret lair and not Four and Leela?
Wow. So greedy Jago didn't talk while he was being strangled but Litefoot talked to save his life? THAT is a little sad and impressive.
"Then he must have another 'eureka'!"
"'Eureka' is Greek for 'this bath is too hot'."
Two grown men stuffed into a small enclosed space together and squeezing themselves down a tube. No comment.
AGINCOURT! THE BATTLE CRY OF THE WOOSTERS! SORRY BUT I HAD TO MAKE THAT REFERENCE!
Huh. So it looks like Chang was played by a British guy with facial prosthetics after all.
And I remember that pig-face from Babelcolour's Every Doctor Who Story video! How did I forget that until now?
Okay, last episode!
Four walks in, UNKNOWINGLY sits down next to Weng-Chiang, looks up: "...oh. I see you've let yourself in. Good, we were expecting you!" Win.
"Time key...time key..." *munches a jelly baby while rummaging pockets* "...heavens to betsy, where did I last see that?" Four, I love you.
This is wonderfully Doctor-ish of him: cleverly working to save everyone on his side while being awesome and in control of the situation.
Litefoot and Jago are becoming quite slashable at this point.
Wait...what's Mr. Sin doing?
"I was with the Filipino army at the final advance on Reykjavik." WHEN DOES ICELAND BECOME A WORLD POWER?
"THE FIRST MAN TO TRAVEL THROUGH TIME!" So. Doctor. Why don't you tell him a few things about the rest of your folk on Gallifrey, eh?
"Jago...Jago...we don't have the place surrounded, we just have an understanding."
Wait, did they just dragon-laser-beam the Doctor and imply that the girls below were actually prostitutes?
And the Doctor collapses with the OMINOUS PARTING WORDS: "Beware...the eye...of the dragon..." Why is that almost funny?
Oh snap. If I didn't know better, I'd say Leela just screamed "DIE, BITCH-FACE!" which would've been AWESOME.
"Kill me any way you wish! Unlike you, I am not afraid to die!" The Doctor should have companions of Leela's brand of badassery more often.
The solution to everything? BLOWING. SHIT. UP.
"We'll be shot down before we reach the door." *poke head out. is nearly laser-beamed* "We're staying put, Magnus!"
But...but they didn't even show Jago getting HIT by anything...
Wait a sec...Jago's perfectly fine AND the Doctor just KILLED A GUY WITH HIS OWN WEAPON? That...what...?
"Listen...it's the muffin man. I'll buy you some muffins."
As the TARDIS departs, "I've said it before and I'll say it again: our police are wonderful."
Next: Season 15: Horror of Fang Rock