FIC: Paved With Hearts (CWRPS AU, Jared/Jensen, PG-13, 5/5)

[cjmarlowe]

Previous Part

The last email Jared sent Jeff, he told him that his exams were finishing on a Thursday and that the graduation ceremony was the following Friday. What he didn't tell him was that he was on a bus first thing Saturday morning, or that Chad would be picking him up and driving him the rest of the way to drop him off on Jeff's doorstep.

When he showed up at the door in time for dinner, Jeff looked like he was seeing a ghost.

"Hi," said Jared brightly. "I'm home."

He opened the door wider so that Jared could come inside, but didn't say a word until Jared had put his bags down next to the door and was standing just inside, waiting for him.

"So it seems," he said finally, his voice low and soft. "Jared, I...."

"You didn't think I would really come back, did you?" Jared suddenly realised. "I told you I was coming back, Uncle Jeff. I meant it."

"You're seventeen, Jared," he said, like that made some kind of difference. "You were away at school... you could have done anything you wanted."

"And I did," said Jared. "I did do what I wanted. I'm here, if you still want me."

At that Jeff did what he'd never done before and put his arms around Jared, holding him tight. "I missed you," he said, then thumped him on the back and let go. "If I'd known you were coming I would've planned something for dinner. There's just leftovers."

"Do you really think that matters?" said Jared, leaving his bags where they fell and heading straight for the kitchen. "I'm starving."

"Boy, you grew another couple of inches, didn't you?" said Jeff. "You're taller than I am now."

"You always thought I would be," said Jared. "I think I might have one or two more in me yet."

"Your father was tall," said Jeff, sizing him up while he was still standing. "It's good to have you back, Jared. For however long I've got you."

"We can talk about that later, right?" said Jared. "I just want to be home right now. It's been all I could think about for weeks. Months." Or at least, one of the only two things he's been thinking about.

"Then why'd your smile just drop a little," said Jeff, setting another place at the table. He'd always been kind, it was true, but also never one to pull his punches.

"Oh, I'm not sad to be here, it's not that at all," said Jared instantly. "I just wish I'd been able to convince Jensen to come with me. I'm sure he would've loved it as much as I do."

"Well, I'm sure you did what you could," said Jeff, "but from what you told me about him, there wasn't much chance of that."

"I know," said Jared, pulling Jeff into another impulsive hug while he could. Now that Jeff had opened the door to that kind of affection, Jared wasn't going to let it go. "But it would've been the one thing that would've made this homecoming nicer. You would've liked him too, Uncle Jeff."

"I'm sure I'll have the chance to meet him one day," said Jeff. "Even if it means hauling my ass into the city for the first time in years. Now go on, help yourself to some stew, Jared, you look like you're going to eat a table leg if you don't get something into you soon."

"Maybe not the leg," said Jared, filling his bowl right to the top before sitting down with it. "Maybe just nibble at a corner, to tide me over. Jensen always teased me about that too, said he never ate that much when he was my age."

"Well, Jensen was probably never well on his way to six and a half feet," said Jeff, watching him eat, barely touching his own. He'd probably already had a helping before Jared even got there, and was just eating with him to be polite. "You didn't even tell me you were coming, Jared."

"Well, that's how a surprise works," he said sheepishly. "I guess it was more of one than I figured, huh? I thought it would be the time I was coming that would be a surprise, not the fact that I was coming at all."

"I suppose Chad must've known, unless your family bought you a car and you didn't tell me about it."

"They're not my family," said Jared. "You are. So no, no car, just a best friend who I guess knows how to keep his mouth shut when he needs to."

The stew was maybe the best thing Jared tasted, and from where he sat at the table shovelling it down he could see straight out the window into the back yard, could see Bisou and Sadie playing out there just like he remembered. The whole place hadn't changed a bit since the day Jared'd had to leave.

"So I think I can take the night off, under the circumstances," said Jeff once Jared had stopped eating long enough to get seconds. "I want you to tell me everything I missed."

:::

Jared slept like a baby in his old room, back under his own window with his own view of the world, with all the sounds and sights and smells of home. For the first time in weeks, he didn't remember his dreams at all.

Jeff made a point not to wake him but the smell of breakfast did it for him anyway, and just that easily Jared was back in the rhythm of his old life. He spent the morning in the garden, the afternoon playing with the dogs out in the meadow, and in the evening after dinner he sent an email to Jensen and picked a book off one of Jeff's many shelves to curl up with by the window.

Jeff joined him there a little while later, sitting down next to him and holding out a small, wooden and obviously handmade box.

"What's this?" he said, taking it hesitantly and studying the plain, smooth surface of it.

"There are a few things you should have," said Jeff. "And a few things you should know. Go ahead and open it."

There wasn't much inside, but what was there was enough: cards, notes, and above all else, photographs.

"These were my mother's."

"I know you never got a chance to know her," said Jeff, "her or your father, and I know just a few things won't give you back what you lost, but it's all I have to give you."

"You don't have to give me your--"

"No, they're yours, Jared," insisted Jeff. "They always should have been yours. I can't make up for lost time, but I can at least give you what was rightfully yours all along. There's something I have to tell you."

Jared nodded, his eyes still on the contents of the treasure box, neatly stacked and hidden away for who knew how long. He opened a faded Christmas card and only glanced at the note inside before closing it and looking up at Jeff again.

"What happened?"

Jeff hesitated, and Jared could see the things that hadn't been said all last summer were finally coming to the surface.

"We had a fight," he said finally. "Boy did we have a fight. All the Morgan siblings have always been stubborn as mules, it's nothing we grew into with age. It was over something stupid, too, some trip she wanted to take with you and your dad. It was all so stupid but boy were we fired up about it, all of us. They left angry...."

And there he stopped, the rest of the story beyond his ability to tell for the moment.

"It wasn't your fault," said Jared.

"It's easy to say that now," said Jeff, "but you can't remember it, Jared. You don't know what she was like when she got behind that wheel to go back down the mountain. I didn't live all way up here back then, but we were high enough."

"But that doesn't matter," said Jared, running his fingertips over the front of the card.

He'd missed his parents all his life, in a distant sort of a way, but it was more that he missed the idea of them. He missed having the life he would've had if his parents had survived the accident. But Jeff, he missed them. It was his sister, his brother-in-law. It was someone who'd helped raise him, someone he'd known his whole life.

"I know all about the accident, you know," Jared went on. "I looked it all up, when I was old enough to understand. I know that they got me safely to the babysitter's in town. I know that they weren't racing away from you but on their way to dinner when it happened. I know that they didn't slip on loose gravel because my mom was mad at you. It didn't happen like that."

Jeff looked down at his hands, shaking his head slowly. "It took me a long time to stop blaming myself for the accident itself," he said. "But until I did that, I made a lot of bad decisions. I thought it was the right thing at the time. I thought letting you have a life far away from me was the right thing to do."

"It's okay," said Jared. "It was what you needed to do. I can't imagine how hard it all was for you--"

"For me?" said Jeff. "How hard it was for me?"

"Well, sure," said Jared. "You lost your big sister. I can't even imagine what that felt like."

"Because you've never been close enough to anyone to fear losing them," said Jeff fiercely. "I want that to change, Jared, if you still want to be here."

"If I still want to be here?" said Jared. "Are you kidding me? I never want to have to leave again."

"I'd made peace with it with everyone but you," said Jeff, "and I didn't realize until you were here that you were the only one who mattered all along."

"I don't think there's anything I need to forgive," said Jared, "but since you do, I forgive you, Uncle Jeff. What I have here, what I have now, it's the right thing for me. Maybe everything happened the way it was supposed to after all."

:::

Jared didn't have quite the ego to believe that he was the sole reason Jeff's vegetable garden was suddenly growing madly in the first week he was home, but it was hard to deny that he was out there every morning getting his hands dirty, and it was equally hard to deny that the garden was flourishing under his attention again.

"I had some practice in the city," he said when Jeff looked on, a little surprised and a little amused, but Jeff just shrugged and smiled at him and disappeared into his workshop again, letting Jared carry on.

So it was inevitable that he was dirt from palm to knee when Chad came calling, cutting in from the lake instead of driving around, like he often did.

"Jesus, Jared, Jeff's like a slave driver, isn't he?"

"Hardly," laughed Jared, wiping his dirty hands on Chad's t-shirt. "I've just missed it."

And if it was good to have something to do to keep his mind off what he'd had to leave behind to get all of this back, he didn't have to confess that.

"What, they don't grow things down in the concrete jungle?"

"Ass," said Jared, wiping his hands one more time, right on the clean hem. "I just like this garden. This is my garden. Jim's garden was nice and all, but it wasn't mine."

"And also, winter," said Chad, "which is kind of not the same. You're weird, though, you know that, right? I do everything I can to get out of having to weed the garden."

"Yeah, I noticed," said Jared, "and that's just while you're here, so I can't imagine how much you try it when you're at home. Are we going out to the lake?"

"We'd better, since you clearly need to jump in," said Chad, wrinkling his nose as he eyed him. "Are you done?"

"Yeah," said Jared, glancing back at the garden. "Yeah, I'm done enough for now. There's nothing left to do that can't wait for tomorrow. So are you running away from your chores, or did you really come down here to see me?"

"Now who's the ass?" said Chad, smack the ass in question as Jared walked ahead of him towards the path. "Of course I came to see you. I missed you. Jerk."

"Yeah, you too," said Jared, actually sighing softly at the thought.

"Oh, don't go getting all girly about it, just because I missed you," said Chad. "I didn't write you odes or bring you flowers or anything."

"Yeah, I think maybe that's why I missed you," said Jared. "My friends in the city were more the flowers and odes type." Maybe because at least half of them were girls, and not necessarily the half that were female. "It was all right, but I still wish I'd gone to school with you here."

"Well, it wasn't all bad without you," admitted Chad grudgingly.

"Yeah, because you were worried I'd be competition for the new girl," said Jared. "Did you ever ask her out? It's not like she had a lot of options either."

"You sure know how to make a guy feel special," said Chad.

"Well, did you?"

"I will!" said Chad. "I'm just waiting for my moment. I didn't want to just be her high school boyfriend. No one ever stays with their high school boyfriend."

"Well, you've both graduated now, so if you ask me, I'd say your moment has arrived."

"Yeah, maybe," said Chad. "Maybe. Soon. I swear I'll ask her soon."

"Chicken," said Jared, though he was more aware than ever before just how scary asking someone out really could be. "Unless you've been a complete tool, you know she's probably going to say yes."

"Yeah, due to lack of other options," said Chad. "She's probably going away to school in the fall anyway. I know she has options."

"Aren't you going away too, though?"

"Sure, to community college," said Chad. "She'll be going away away. She even got offered scholarships. Of course, you probably did, too. Jerk. You didn't tell me you were, like, a supergenius."

"I'm not a supergenius," said Jared, "and I didn't apply to university."

"God, I thought you were kidding about that," said Chad. "You really didn't apply?"

"I need a year off," said Jared with a little shrug. "I just need a year to be Jared, you know? To figure out who he even is."

"Jesus, you go to the city for one year and you come back talking about yourself in the third person. I knew it was a dangerous place."

"Dork," said Jared, stripping off his shirt as soon as their swimming rock was even in sight, readying himself to head straight into the water. At least the city hadn't returned the modesty that he'd worked to rid himself of last summer; when they arrived at the rock he stripped off his shorts too, leaping into the clear water without so much as a look back.

"Guess you missed that, too!" Chad called after him, before cannonballing into the water right behind him.

"Guess I missed a lot of things," said Jared. "Especially you and Jeff."

"Aw, come on, I thought we were past all that mushy stuff," said Chad, splashing him with his whole arm. "Get that dirt and crap off you and I'll race you out to the island and back."

Rather than waiting for Jared to finish, though, Chad just ran with his head start, leaving Jared in his wake. But now that he was finally here again, Jared couldn't bring himself to mind.

:::

"So are you sure about this decision, Jared?" said Jeff, leading him out into the workshop after lunch. "I mean, really sure?"

"I'm really sure," said Jared. "And please don't tell me I'm throwing my life away. I've had enough people tell me that since this spring when I admitted I wasn't applying."

"You should've applied, even if you knew you weren't going to go right away," said Jeff, but Jared was shaking his head from the moment Jeff started talking. "It wouldn't have hurt anything."

"If I did it, it would only be to keep people off my case," said Jared. "There was nothing I could get applying this year that I couldn't get applying next year. I couldn't stand the thought of going straight to university, Jeff. I don't expect anyone to understand, but I just couldn't."

"I bet your aunt had something to say about that."

"Oh, you bet Aunt Sam had something to say about it," said Jared ruefully. "She even called. From Paris. She never calls unless it's something really important. Got into all this stuff about how she didn't get me into that school just so I could throw away the opportunity."

"Probably wanted you to follow in her footsteps," said Jeff, switching on lights as they went until they whole room was illuminated. Outside it was rainy and dreary but somehow the shop still seemed homey. Even cheery. When Jared first arrived he sometimes wondered just how Jeff could spend his days in there when he had the whole mountain to work on, but that was before he really spent any time in the workshop, and before he realised that whenever Jeff wanted, the whole back end opened up into the meadow.

"I could've told her I wasn't going to do that long before she got me into Whytecliff School," said Jared. "I thought about going into engineering, though. For a little while."

"Yeah?" said Jeff. "But you still decided not to go for it?"

"There wasn't much that was going to convince me not to take this year off," said Jared. "I can think about again in a few months, or whenever. You don't really mind, do you? That I'm staying up here for the year?"

"God no, Jared, and you don't have to keep asking that," said Jeff, firmly but fondly. "I might worry a little bit if you turn thirty-five and you're still living up in my loft, but when I said this was your home, I meant it. I meant it from the very first time I told you, the very first day you were here."

"And I really am interested in learning how you do what you do," Jared added as Jeff started setting out his work for the day. "I'm not sure I'll ever be as good as you, but I can be useful. I can learn this. I want to learn this."

"Well, there's certainly a lot to be done, and a lot to learn, if you're really interested," said Jeff. Jared couldn't be absolutely sure, but it seemed to him like Jeff actually sounded a little hopeful that Jared might be interested in carrying on what he did up there. "And I'll bet you could do all the computer parts of the job about twice as fast as I do."

"I probably could figure out your ordering system pretty fast," admitted Jared. "If you wanted help with that."

"I don't mind it all," said Jeff. "It's a part of doing business the way I want to do business, and being my own boss. But if you wanted to take some of that off my hands, I'm the first guy who's going to let you. As far as I'm concerned it's just a necessary evil to be able to do what I love for the rest of my life."

And this, this workshop, these things he made, this really was the thing that Jeff loved. It wasn't, as his Aunt Sam had put it, Jeff's exile. Maybe it had started out as a way for him to be away from people but Jeff was happy. Jared hadn't been able to recognise it when he first arrived, and maybe a year ago Jeff did still have some demons to exorcise, but he was clearly happy with this life.

"Maybe my first piece could be for Jensen," Jared suggested, "if it doesn't turn out absolutely horribly. I showed him a bunch of stuff on your website ages ago and he thought it was pretty awesome. Most of the stuff he has.... See, the thing is, he orders some stuff off the internet and all, but most of the big stuff, the furniture, it's all stuff his parents got him ages ago. It'd be nice to make him something more... better."

"More better?" said Jeff, grinning at him. "Maybe it is a good thing you decided not to go straight to university."

Jared blushed, but he knew the barb was good natured. "You know what I mean," he said. "I want him to have nice things. Not just nice things that someone else decided were nice but nice things he actually likes. If he's going to be stuck in there, it should at least be with things that are his."

"I think that's a pretty good idea," said Jeff, pushing up his sleeves. "Did you have something in mind?"

"Shelves," said Jared immediately, the first thing that came to mind that was both useful and, for his own sake, easy. "He already has a desk that he's made his own--" And you didn't mess with a guy's desk, you just didn't. "--but his shelves are all, like, stuff he's probably had for fifteen years. All chipped and stained and there's one with kiddie stickers all over it that he doesn't think I saw, but I did."

"Of course you did," said Jeff.

"And maybe if I make him something, he'll know I'm still thinking about him," Jared added after a couple of moments. "He's still upset. He's not talking to me."

Jeff rested a hand on his shoulder as he reached past him to grab a pencil off his workspace. "Maybe you just need to give him a little more time," he said. "Anyone as close to you as Jensen obviously is will come around eventually. Just keep trying."

"Like I could stop even if I wanted to," said Jared, smiling a little in spite of himself. "I email every day."

"I'm sure you do," said Jeff, giving his shoulder a little squeeze before letting go. "Well, we'll get started on something for him soon enough, but right now we're going back to the basics. And let me tell you, if you don't pay attention to my little tool safety demonstration here, you're never going to get to touch any of it."

It wasn't a threat but it was serious all the same and Jared knew it.

"I'm listening," he said, and he really was. Who knew where he was going to be in a year and who knew what he was going to learn about who he was and what he wanted over the next twelve months, but right here and right now, this was exactly what he needed.

:::

It was a letter Jared never really let himself hope to get. He hadn't heard a word from Jensen since he left, not a phone call, not an IM, not even an email in response to the many that Jared had sent. Then the letter came, picked up during one of Jared's infrequent visits to town, stamped, sealed, and addressed to him. Snail mail.

"He's coming."

"Who, Chad?" said Jeff. "Better get another steak out then; between the two of you, you could clean me out."

"No, Jensen," said Jared, staring at his letter. "Jensen's coming."

"Jensen's coming here?"

Jared turned the letter over, like the punch line would be on the back, but there was nothing else. Jensen was coming, and judging by the date on the letter, he was coming soon.

"I can't believe... okay, he can't be travelling by himself. Jensen can stay in my room with me, but we'll need space for his parents too. And Jim, if he's coming." They couldn't exactly make the cabin bigger, but, "The weather's supposed to hold, right? We could set the tent up, the big one, not the one Chad and I use."

Jeff just chuckled. "Don't get ahead of yourself, Jared," he said. "The tent takes fifteen minutes to set up; we can figure things out when they get here. When are they arriving?"

Jared read the letter again, even though he'd already read it three times. "The day after tomorrow," he said. "I'll have to go pick them up. Jensen says he's taking the train."

"They'll be sorry they don't have a vehicle of their own up here," said Jeff, tutting a little bit as he hauled some things out of the fridge. "But I'm sure we'll make do. It'll be nice to see you with a smile on your face again."

"What? I've been smiling! You know I'm happy, right?"

"I know you're happy here, but any fool can see you've still been pining after the boy, Jared," said Jeff. "You think I didn't notice?"

Jared gaped at him. "You mean pining... like a friend."

"No, that's not what I mean," said Jeff frankly. "But if that's what you want to call it, I'm not going to argue."

"But how could you even know that? I didn't even figure that out till... I'm not even sure I have figured that out yet."

"Because I'm much older and wiser than you are," said Jeff. "And Jensen was always the real reason I was afraid you were never going to come back."

"But I never told you I was... you know."

"What, you never told me you liked boys?" said Jeff. "I don't see why people always need to make announcements about these things. You didn't need to tell me you liked boys for me to figure out you liked Jensen."

"But I didn't know it was like... I knew I liked boys and I knew he liked boys, but I never thought... Oh my God, he's going to be here in two days. In my bed."

"Okay, Jared, the first thing you need to do is not panic," said Jeff, shooting him what could really only be called a smirk. A fond and tolerant smirk, but a smirk all the same. "You've been wanting to see this boy again from the moment you set foot back on the mountain, and the last I heard it was a good day when he managed to go out on the front steps of his house, so if he's coming here it's a good bet he's pretty eager to see you, too."

"I can't believe he's really coming," said Jared, and he knew, he knew, he shouldn't get ahead of himself, he shouldn't get too excited before Jensen actually arrived, but he couldn't help it. "It's amazing."

"Well, you're clearly a person who can do amazing things," said Jeff. "So is there anything else you want to tell me about your time in Vancouver now? I seem to remember asking you about girls a couple of times and you avoiding the subject."

"I, uh, I might've had a boyfriend," admitted Jared after a few moments of awkward silence, "just for a little while. It wasn't, like, a big thing or anything. I mean, I wasn't hiding it, I just didn't want to put it in an email. That just felt kind of weird."

"So nothing serious, then?"

"I thought it was, sort of," said Jared. "Well, no, I thought it could've been. But it wasn't. I mean, he's still my friend, and I miss my friends a little, but Jensen was really the only person I left behind, you know?"

"And apparently he's left behind no more," said Jeff. "Two days to get ready, eh? I'm pretty sure we can do it."

Jared wasn't worried they could be ready in two days. He could be ready in two minutes if he had to be, because it was Jensen. He was a lot more worried about how he was going to wait two whole days, now that he knew he was coming.

:::

Jeff drove them, marking the only time Jared had ever actually seen him off the mountain, despite the fact that he knew he had to go from time to time, and had heard about at least one occasion that Jeff had gone into town without him. Though without visual proof, that might have been just a rumour. The closest the train came was not the small town nearest them, though, but Whistler, where Chad had picked Jared up not all that long ago.

"He gave me the schedule," said Jared, Jensen's precious letter clutched in his hands as they waited at the station. "He should be here."

"Trains are trains, Jared, you know there are sometimes hold-ups. Look at you, you're practically shaking. Sit down and have a drink, would you?"

Jared licked his lips and nodded, but just got a soda out of the machine instead of finding some place to sit down. It would have been just his luck to have been somewhere else in the station when Jensen's train arrived, even though there was nowhere in the station that was so far away that Jared couldn't have been back in an instant.

"Excited, are you?" said Jeff, somehow completely calm and collected as they waited. "There, you see? Here it comes now."

It wasn't that Jared had thought he would never seen Jensen again. He'd known that he'd see Jensen again. But here, in his home, it was something he hadn't dared to do anything more than dream of.

"Jesus, don't run out onto the tracks or anything," said Jeff, all but physically holding him back as the train deboarded. But the moment Jared first caught an unmistakable glimpse of Jensen, there was no keeping him away.

"Jensen!" he called, racing towards him, startling everyone in his path. "Jensen!"

Jensen looked up, at first so alarmed that Jared regretted calling his name so loud, running so fast. But then he broke into the kind of smile that Jared hadn't ever seen on him before, outside of old pictures. Any reluctance he might've had to throw his arms around him was gone in that instance.

But it was still a relief when Jensen hugged him back.

"I can't believe you're here," said Jared breathlessly when he finally let go.

"I kind of can't believe it either," said Jensen, looking around a little nervously. "I don't think anybody can believe it. My parents almost didn't let me, they said I couldn't possibly be ready, but I knew what I wanted."

"Where are they, anyway?" said Jared, looking around. "Do you think they need any help with their luggage? I've got Jeff here with me, believe it or not"

"Jeff, who never comes down off the mountain?" said Jensen.

"I guess today's just full of firsts, huh?" said Jared.

"Well, they aren't here anyway," said Jensen. "I came alone."

"You what?" said Jared. "You came alone? You came all the way here all by yourself?"

"I'm not five, Jared. I've been on a train before," said Jensen defensively.

"You know what I mean," said Jared. "You know what I mean. How did you? I mean, when I left there was no way you could have."

"I guess I just finally found the right motivation," said Jensen. "Except, well, I'm still kind of not great with crowds of strangers. Do you think we could...?"

"Oh God, I'm sorry, yes, of course," said Jared, tugging on his sleeve to lead him in the right direction. "Do you have any more bags? Do you need help?"

"No, just the one," said Jensen. "I looked at all my stuff when I was packing but... I don't know. I guess in the end I figured I wouldn't need all that much other than myself. And some anti-anxiety meds."

Jared grinned and tugged him a little faster. "Maybe you won't even be needing those," he said. "I can't wait to show you everything, Jensen, I want to show you everything."

"How about we start with your Uncle Jeff?" suggested Jensen. "Is that him there?" It wasn't exactly a stretch to pick out Uncle Jeff for anyone who'd seen his picture, and probably anyone who hadn't, too. He was the only one looking in their direction with a wide smile on his face. "I always figured he was going to be more reserved."

"I guess he likes you already," said Jared, "but then who wouldn't, right?"

It wasn't a whole new Jensen from the one Jared had grown to know better than anyone in his year living with him, but it was a new side of him. The shyness wasn't masked by defensiveness, the smiles didn't become smirks. When Jared first met him he thought Jensen would be a hard person to befriend; now he really did wonder how anyone could meet him and not take to him.

"Either you're the Jensen I've been hearing all about, or Jared is much, much more fickle than I ever imagined."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, sir," said Jensen, sticking out his hand for Jeff, more formal than Jared had ever seen him. But then, Jared suddenly realised, he'd never seen Jensen with anyone other than himself and his family before.

"None of that sir nonsense," said Jeff, though he didn't waste any time taking Jensen's outstretched hand. "You can call me Jeff just like everyone else."

"Chad calls you Mr. Morgan," Jared pointed out, though he knew he was just being cheeky.

"Chad's afraid his mother will smack his bottom if he doesn't," said Jeff, "but Chad's a special case. Always has been. Jensen, you're welcome here and it's very much my pleasure to finally get to meet you. I didn't know when we were going to have the opportunity."

"It's a little sooner than I expected too," said Jensen, then he bit his lip and smiled a little and didn't elaborate on that. He didn't really have to, for Jared who knew him or for Jeff who knew more about his situation than anyone who hadn't been there. "Is it far to the car?"

"Not far at all," Jeff promised him, leading the way back outside. "Come on, I think the two of you are probably anxious to get home."

:::

Jared only really realised how tense Jensen had been in the station when they got out on the road home, when Jensen finally relaxed, closing his eyes and taking deep, slow, breaths.

"You all right, son?" Jeff asked, but casually, like he was just being sure.

"I'm all right," Jensen promised him. "It's just been a really long day."

"Well, Jared'll show you your bed as soon as we get in," said Jeff, "and you can lie down if you want. I'll be making dinner but don't feel obligated to join us. It's been a while, but I seem to remember what a day of travelling is like."

"Really, I'll be all right," said Jensen again. "I'm just not used to it."

"You did great," said Jared, and hoped it didn't sound condescending. But he wasn't going to pretend that Jensen taking the train up to Whistler by himself was nothing, either. "You look great. You're... not as pale, or something."

"Jim made me weed the flowerbeds," said Jensen with a wry grin, not even opening his eyes as he said it. "Nobody ever told me he was such a hardass."

"Jim's a hardass," said Jared obediently, grinning back even though Jensen couldn't see it. "So, uh, you don't mind sharing a bed, do you? It's big enough for two, we just... there's not a spare room or anything."

"I don't want to put you out," said Jensen, finally opening his eyes. "I'm not as spoiled as you think I am. I can take the couch or something; I don't want to be in the way."

"No, no, it's fine," said Jared. "I've got my whole loft, it's amazing. But there's just the one big bed. I don't kick or anything."

"Yeah, you do," said Jensen. "Remember the time we fell asleep in the family room? You absolutely kicked me. You woke me up, like, three times."

"That's because I was still having nightmares then," said Jared, his voice growing a little softer. Even though it hadn't been all that long ago, that time of his life still felt like an ever-dimming memory. "That doesn't happen anymore."

"I guess not," said Jensen, just as softly. "You never did really tell me what you were dreaming about." Other than telling him that he dreamed of never going home, which at the time had been more than enough.

Jared glanced at Jeff and then back at Jensen. "Ask me again later," he said, "and I'll tell you this time, if you really want to know."

"I do," said Jensen. "After all, you pretty much know all about mine, right?"

"Do I?"

"You do," said Jensen. "Though I should warn you, it's been a little worse since I started going out. My doctor says that'll pass, that it's just anxiety. Well, not that anxiety is just anything, but--"

"I know what you mean," interrupted Jared before Jensen could get flustered. "You're seeing someone again?"

Jensen shrugged. "You left and... I knew I had to do something. I've got her number so I can still... while I'm up here."

"You know I didn't leave you, right?" said Jared. "I just couldn't stay, Jensen. I couldn't stay there anymore. The city was never my home."

"I know you didn't leave me, but you still did, you know?" said Jensen. "It's not like I didn't always understand why you had to do it, but for me you were still gone. It didn't matter why you weren't there anymore, just that you weren't. So I guess I had to do something about it."

"I always knew you could," said Jared. "I saw it happening. I knew you could get past it."

"I’m not past it yet," said Jensen, "but I’m getting there. I'll get there."

"You will," said Jared, and he wasn't just saying that to be supportive. He really did believe it, right to the tips of his toes, he knew that Jensen could be Jensen again. "And being here, Jensen, being here on the mountain... I'm going to show you everything. It'll all be so much better here. You'll understand when you see it."

Jensen gave a soft sigh and there was an answering yip from the unzipped gym bag that'd never left his side.

"Oh my God," said Jared excitedly. "Is that--?"

"Guess he finally woke up," said Jensen as Harley's little face peeked out of the bag. "How you doing in there, boy?"

"Harley!" said Jared. "Jeff, this is--"

"Harley," Jeff repeated, glancing back at them in the rear view mirror. "Yeah, I got that."

"Missed you, boy," said Jared, leaning in to give the rapidly-growing puppy a nuzzle. "Boy did I miss you, too."

"Couldn't have made the trip without him," said Jensen, letting the dog crawl across them and into Jared's lap. "I hope that's okay."

"Of course it's okay!" said Jared. "Right Jeff?"

"Welcome to the family, Harley," he said. "We'll have to introduce you to the girls when we get home."

"Sadie and Bisou will love him," Jared promised, "just like they're going to love you. I can't wait, Jensen. It's going to be great."

:::

Jensen slept pretty soon after they arrived back at the cabin, but on the way there, just like Jared the first time he'd driven up with his Aunt Sam, Jensen's eyes were trained out the window the whole time. He said been up in the mountains before, skiing with his family from the time he learned to stand on skis, but it had never been here, and that made all the difference.

It was only after he had Jensen in his bed that Jared really thought about the fact that he had Jensen in his bed. But it had been a long and exciting day for him too, and he found that he wound down pretty soon after Jensen did. When he was that tired, crawling into bed opposite Jensen didn't seem so weird after all.

They were up pretty early, if not as early as Jeff, and enjoyed a large breakfast before Jeff disappeared into his workshop and left the two of them alone.

"I hardly even know where to start," admitted Jared, his sudden laugh surprising Jensen enough to make his eyes crinkle when he smiled. "I almost can't believe you're actually going to go outside with me, and see things. Like a dream or something."

Though maybe admitting to dreaming about doing things with Jensen was giving away more than Jared meant to, to both Jensen and himself.

"It's easier when there's no one around," admitted Jensen. "I had to take some pills before the train ride yesterday. But I really wanted to do this."

"How did you?" said Jared. "Was it really just... did you really just have to decide that you were going to, and it happened?"

"It's, um, it's a little more complicated than that," said Jensen, "but I guess I did. I guess I always needed to find something I wanted more than safety. It just took me a while to find it."

"So you wanted to see the mountain more than you wanted to stay in your house?" said Jared. "Well, I'm glad. It's so worth it, Jensen. It's all worth it."

"No, not the mountain," said Jensen. "Even though everything you ever said about this place was right. I wanted to see you. And if I wanted to see you, I had to come. In the end, it was as simple as that."

As simple and as complicated as that, and the idea that Jensen had done it for him nearly took Jared's breath away.

"Now I really don't know where to start," he said. "Do you want to come outside? Do you want to see the lake?"

"Yeah," said Jensen. "Yeah, I really do. Let's just take everything one step at a time, okay? I might still... sometimes I still freak out a little. You never got to see me freak out, but it's not pretty. The lake's not far, right?"

"No, it's not far," said Jared. "But if you didn't freak out on the way here, you're probably not going to freak out at the lake."

"I'm not medicated now, though," said Jensen. "I didn't want to be while I was here, if I didn't have to. It dulls things a little, and I didn't want anything about this visit to be dull."

"Just bring them with you, then," said Jared. "Just in case. The mountain is a lot of things, but I don't think it's a miracle."

"No, I think you're the miracle," said Jensen softly, but he tucked his emergency pills in his pocket and didn't say another word about it. "You'll have to tell me which way to go. I think you could get lost forever up here."

"No, this isn't someplace you get lost, it's someplace you get found," said Jared. Besides, there was no way he was leaving Jensen's side. Not now, and not for as long as he visited, if he could help it.

"You should write greeting cards," said Jensen, "or maybe tourism brochures. You've got just the right mix of cheesy and endearing." Jared grinned and shoulder bumped him, but he didn't argue the point.

"So why'd you send a letter, anyway?" he asked as they walked up the path. "Your email broken?"

Jensen grinned shyly at his feet. "I didn't want to give you a chance to reply," he said, "and I didn't want to give myself a chance to back out. Once I mailed the letter, then I had to do it."

Jared chuckled softly, but he could understand that. It was pretty brave, actually. It was all pretty brave.

"So how long are you... um." He wanted to know, just for his own peace of mind, but on the other hand he didn't. He didn't want to know when this had to end.

"I don't really know for sure," admitted Jensen. "How long do you think it'll be till you get sick of me? I know you have internet even up here so I brought my computer and my work with me. My parents are going to want daily updates, of course. Like I'm twelve and away at summer camp for the first time."

"I guess it's kind of like that for them," said Jared. "I mean... I can kind of see their point of view."

"Yeah, me too," admitted Jensen. "That doesn't mean it doesn't make me feel a little ridiculous."

"Well, they'll get over it eventually," said Jared, "and if I didn't get sick of you after living with you for a year, what makes you think I'm ever going to get sick of you?"

"Ever?" said Jensen wryly. "That's a pretty long time, Jared. You might want to think about that a little more."

Jared could think about it forever, but he didn't think he was going to change his mind. Yeah, maybe they didn't always get along perfectly, yeah maybe they argued sometimes, they weren't the same person after all, but sick of him? It was pretty hard to imagine.

"I'm pretty sure it's going to be a long time, how about that?" he said.

"Well, I'm in your bed," Jensen pointed out with a sharp, nervous laugh. "If nothing else, you'll probably get sick of that."

That, Jared thought, was maybe the last thing he was going to get sick of. But he didn't know how to say that without saying a whole lot more too, so he didn't say anything. The silence itself probably again said more than he meant it to.

"So, um," said Jensen. "How far did you say it was?"

"Just a few more minutes," said Jared, leading him silently through the last twists and turns of the path, right to the spot where he himself had first seen the lake through a break in the trees that first exposed the whole, glistening shape of it.

"Oh," said Jensen, letting out a little gasp. "Wow."

"Yeah," said Jared, because it was still hard to find more to say about it than that.

"I'm starting to see why all this was hard for you to leave behind."

"Yeah," said Jared again, more softly. "It was, I love this place. But it was harder to leave Jeff, you know? I never really had family before, not like that."

"You had your Aunt Sam. For whatever that was worth."

"Sure," said Jared, "and I know she was family, but..." Well, he didn't have to finish that sentence. Jensen already had his opinions of Jared's Aunt Sam, and even now they were showing on his face. "Come on, it's this way."

He led him the rest of the way to the swimming rock he'd spent so many days on with Chad, then stood right at the edge and looked out over the crystal clear lake.

"You want to go in?"

"Do you think we could sit for a little while?" said Jensen. "I didn't bring my swim trunks or anything."

"You don't really need--" Jared started, then nodded his head. "Yeah, let's just sit. It's practically a perfect day today."

"Feels like it, anyway," said Jensen, looking around and then moving back off the rock into the meadow behind to find a soft, comfortable place to sit down. "Feels like the perfect day, Jared, and not just because of the weather."

"Yeah," breathed Jared, sitting down as close to Jensen as he dared. It wasn't as close as he wanted, not so close that Jensen might get spooked; Jensen was the one who moved close enough that they were touching.

When Jensen reached out and took his hand, neither one of them said anything about it. Jared didn't feel like anything had to be said. It wasn't everything, but it was something. It was the start of something.

He was sure of it.

:::

Jensen had been there for three days when Chad showed up out of the blue, stalking across the lawn and inviting himself in through the porch door.

"You never call, you never wri--" he began, before realising that Jared wasn't the only one in the room. "Oh. Hi."

"Hi," said Jensen, as awkward as Jared had ever seen him, suddenly poised to take a step back from the intruder.

"Chad!" said Jared. "Did your mom finally release you from garden duty?"

"Yeah, like, two days ago, bitch," said Chad, still eyeing Jensen suspiciously. "Who's this?"

"Come meet Jensen," said Jared, not seeing any reason to mask his excitement. Chad knew about Jensen. Okay, maybe not everything about Jensen, but about as much as anyone who wasn't close to him.

"What the hell?" said Chad. "I thought you never left your house."

"Yeah, I fixed that," said Jensen softly. Jared could hear him fingering the pill bottle in his pocket. "Jared talked about this place so much, I figured I needed to see it for myself."

"Huh," said Chad. "So, how long are you visiting for, anyway?"

"I don't really know," said Jensen. "A while, I guess."

"A while. Huh," said Chad. "So, what, Jared, were you ever going to tell me?"

"Of course I was," said Jared. "Don't be stupid, Chad, I was just waiting for you to call, since you said you were going to once you were free."

"Well, I'm here now," said Chad. "So what have you seen so far, Jensen? What have you enjoyed of our fine mountain?"

"This and that," said Jensen. "We walked up the road a little bit. And out to the lake."

"The lake?" interrupted Chad. "You took him out to the lake without me, Jared? Really?"

"Sorry, I guess I missed the memo that I was supposed to wait," said Jared. "Sorry?"

"Whatever," said Chad. "It doesn't matter."

"Maybe I should...." This time Jensen really did take a step back towards the stairs. "I don't want to be in the way."

"You're not in the way!" said Jared immediately. "Right, Chad?"

"No, you're definitely not the one who's in the way," said Chad. "So how about you give me a call when you're free, huh, Jared?"

"Chad, stop," said Jared. "Come on. Why are you doing this? You know I've been looking forward to seeing you."

"Have you?" said Chad. "Or did you just forget all about me?"

"Chad!" said Jared, glancing from Jensen to Chad and back again. "Come on, why don't we all go do something, all right? Why don't we all go out to the lake?"

"Actually, I guess I should be getting back," said Chad, and this time he was the one to take a step back, towards the door. "I left my mom and my sister working by themselves. We weren't really done, I just wanted to see you, you know? I'll come back another time."

"Chad...." said Jared, but it was no use this time. Chad took another couple of steps back then took off back through the porch again and across the lawn, in the direction of home. All two miles of it, that he'd just walked once already for a chance to spend time with Jared. "Okay, that was weird."

"No it wasn't," said Jensen. "You didn't tell him I was coming?"

"I didn't have a chance!" said Jared. "I barely got your letter in time to come get you, and Chad was already busy with family stuff. He's making it out to be some big thing and it's not. I don't know what's gotten into him, Jensen, I swear he's usually nicer than that."

"You spend all your time around people, but you sure don't know them very well when it comes to their relationships with you," said Jensen.

"What are you talking about?"

"I might be a complete social retard, but even I could see he was jealous," said Jensen.

"Of what?" said Jared. "I'm not allowed to have more than one friend?"

"That's sort of between you and him, I think," said Jensen. He was alarmingly still, but at least he'd stopped his creeping progress towards the stairs. "Do you think we could stay in for a little while this afternoon? I'm a little...."

Jared wasn't sure exactly how he was going to finish that sentence, but whatever it was he was pretty sure it wasn't good. Jensen definitely looked a little shakier than he had a few minutes ago.

"Of course," he said, and though he'd had half a mind to go after Chad, it was clear what his priority needed to be here. Whatever Chad was going through, he'd brought it on himself. "He's just being ridiculous. He'll get over it."

"Of course he will," said Jensen, and if he sounded placating, Jared figured he could let that pass. Chad had just been a complete ass to him, after all. Jensen was pretty entitled to be a bit dismissive.

"It's different with you anyway," said Jared. "Different from how it is with him. I mean... you know what I mean, right?"

"I think I do," said Jensen, sitting down in the corner of the couch. But whatever he thought, once again they didn't talk about it.

And Jared wasn't sorry they didn't talk about it, right here and right now. There was going to be something to talk about some time soon, but this wasn't the moment, not like this. Not when Jensen was shaken up, and not when Jared was more than a little wound up, too. No, whenever they talked, whenever they figured this out, it would be on their own terms and not because of Chad.

:::

It was another two days before Jared finally called Chad, partly because he wanted to give both Chad and Jensen a chance to cool off and calm down, and partly because he wanted Chad to stew a little. Maybe he did understand, after he thought about it for a while, how Chad felt. He was probably surprised, and a little hurt, and Jared was his closest friend. But that didn't excuse acting the way he had.

"You'll be all right here without me?"

"Of course I will," said Jensen. "I have some work I should do anyway. This is sort of a vacation, but it's sort of life, too."

"The best things always are," said Jared, and had to resist doing something more affectionate than just smiling at him before he slipped out the back and headed towards the lake. Chad had agreed to meet him out there, but there were no promises made about what was going to be said or done.

"Hey," said Jared when he arrived. Chad was already standing by the edge of the rock, waiting.

"Hey," said Chad, not quite mustering up a smile. "So you came."

"Of course I came," said Jared. "Why wouldn't I come, Chad? We're friends, right? Best friends, last time I checked."

"Yeah, well, that's what I thought, too," said Chad. "Until...."

"Until what?" said Jared. "Until you saw Jensen there? You know all about Jensen, Chad. It doesn't change anything that he's here now."

"Sure it does," said Chad. "Of course it changes things. Before it was just you and me, you know?"

"And now it's you and me and him," said Jared. "It doesn't have to be a bad thing."

"I just don't get it," said Chad, kicking at some loose stones. "When you came back up here after school, I thought things were going to be like they were last summer. And they sort of were at first, until suddenly Jensen showed up and now everything's all about him. What's he got that I don't have, anyway?"

"I, um," said Jared, flushing under the direct question, even if it was an unfair one. "He's got... I mean.... You're my best friend, Chad, but I don't want to, you know. Hold hands with you or kiss you. You know what I'm saying?"

"Oh," said Chad, staring at him for a moment. "Oh."

"Yeah," said Jared, shifting his weight awkwardly. "It's like that."

"Wow," said Chad. "So now I'm an asshole if I don't like him, right? Cause your best friend's supposed to like your boyfriend."

"You should like him because he's awesome," said Jared, still fidgeting and not quite meeting Chad's eyes, "not because you think you have to. You just never even gave him a chance so you could see that."

"Jerk," said Chad, giving him a shove. "You never even told me you liked guys. How was I supposed to know?"

"I didn't even know last summer," said Jared. "At least, I didn't know for sure. I'd never really liked anybody like that before this year."

"Before him, you mean."

Jared hesitated, then shook his head. "I, um. I had this boyfriend, for a little while. But I didn't want to tell you over email, you know? I didn't know how."

"You should've just told me," said Chad. "Jeez, what did you think I was going to do, anyway?"

"I don't know," admitted Jared. "I mean, I thought it would be fine, you know? But Jensen had some bad experiences and I just... I don't know. I should've just told you about Brock when it was happening. I wanted to."

"You dated someone named Brock?" said Chad. "Wow. I'm fine with the guy thing but Brock, Jared? I just don't know if we can be friends anymore."

"Jerk," said Jared. "He was a good guy."

"Couldn't be that good if you're not still with him," said Chad, "or is Jensen just the man to beat all other men?" He even snorted at himself after he said it, though. "Okay, talking like that's going to take some getting used to."

"I'd be okay if you never learned to talk like that, actually," said Jared. "Jensen is just... we're not even together. Yet. Sort of. It's kind of... complicated."

"Okay, you are not allowed to call me a pussy about Sophia anymore if this Jensen guy came all the way out here for you and you haven't gotten with him yet," said Chad. "Or is he not into guys? Cause wow, okay, that would suck."

"No, he is," said Jared. "We're... like I said, it's complicated. Do you really want me to talk about it?"

"I don't know," said Chad. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know," said Jared. "Are we okay now?"

"Am I really still your best friend?"

"Duh," said Jared. "Of course you're my best friend. Who else is ever going to be my best friend if it's not you?"

"Good," said Chad. "Then we're okay. So okay, just give me a second to brace myself for the guy-on-guy stuff and you can talk to me about it. Just no details, all right? I might get into that kinky shit later, but you've got to let me ease my way into it."

"So to speak?"

"Oh God," said Chad. "Okay, that's it, I take it back. Your talking privileges are hereby revoked."

"Too late," said Jared, and tugged Chad's sleeve till he finally sat down with him on the grass. "No take-backs. You have to hear me talk about boys now. But don't worry, I'll still let you talk about Sophia. Asked her out yet?"

When Chad scowled at him, that's when Jared knew they really were okay.

:::

"Jensen cooked," said Jared, making an announcement of it as Jeff sat down at the table, freshly washed up and dressed in a shirt that wasn't rife with sawdust. "Which I say only because, until today, I wasn't aware Jensen could cook."

"Maybe that's because you were always busy after school when I did it," said Jensen. "What, you thought those meals appeared on the table by magic?"

"Yeah, the magic of Pizza Hut," said Jared, setting the casserole down in the middle of the table. "Okay, honestly? I thought you were reheating stuff from the freezer."

"The fact that you can't tell the difference between fresh food and stuff reheated from the freezer makes me weep for your childhood," said Jensen, shaking his head. "Just another thing to add to the list."

"You have a list?"

"Of things you need to be educated about," said Jensen. "It's starting to be a long list. I really should've started you sooner, but I had some, uh, issues to work through."

"Is that what we're calling it now?" said Jared. "Well, at least we're calling it something."

"Just eat your dinner," said Jensen, but he was smiling at him as he sat down and Jared didn't remember ever seeing Jensen look quite so... content.

"This looks great, boys," said Jeff, "I really appreciate this. I got a rush order the other day, worth enough to make it worth my while, and dinner's been the last thing on my mind."

"Hey, you know we'll do whatever you need," said Jared quickly. "You just have to tell us, Uncle Jeff. You know that, right?"

"I thought I trained that out of you, Jared, but I have to say, this week I'm kind of glad I didn't," said Jeff, heaping his plate with food. "Once I'm done with this order, we can start you back in the workshop with me, if that's still something you want to do."

"Yes!" said Jared quickly, before his eyes darted to Jensen. "I mean...."

"I've sort of got some work I've been putting off," admitted Jensen. "Nothing past deadline, just some things I really should get started on. If nobody minds."

"Of course not," said Jeff, "you do whatever you need to do, Jensen. You've got enough space to work in? Jared never had much of a desk, but we could probably whip you up something."

"I'm fine with what you've got, as long as I'm not in the way," said Jensen a little more hesitantly, making the statement a question without actually asking anything. "I don't want to overstay my welcome."

"You're not!" Jared said, so quickly no one else could get a breath in, let alone a word.

"Well," said Jeff, actually taking a moment to address it seriously, "it seems to me like Jared was right about all of this, Jensen. I didn't know you before, so I might be wrong, but it seems to me like you're flourishing up here. So far be it from me to get in the way of that. If there's nothing pulling you back to the city, then you just stay right where you are. As soon as I get this order out of my hair, I will make that desk for you. You just give me your specs and I'll get it done."

"No, really, you don't have to--"

"No use arguing," said Jared. "He'll just make it anyway. If you give him your specs, at least he can make it exactly what you need instead of just guessing. You've seen all the stuff in my room?"

"Well, of course...."

"Jeff made all of that for me. It wasn't even here before I was."

"Never had any guests here before you showed up," said Jeff, talking into his dinner. "Though now that you bring it up...."

"Bring what up?" said Jared. "My stuff?"

Jeff coughed politely. "If you're going to be sticking around, Jensen, are we going to be needing another bed up there?"

"Oh," said Jared, and promptly blushed harder than he ever had in front of either one of them. "Um." He looked from Jeff, to Jensen to Jeff again, then stared at his own dinner. "Can we get back to you on that?"

"Of course," said Jeff. "Just... putting the offer out there. You're both adults, so whatever you decide, that's fine with me. It's really not my business."

It was his business actually, since this was still his home, but Jared was glad for both the offer and for the space. He'd actually have to talk about it with Jensen now, which was both good and terrifying, but it was also made pretty clear that Jensen had a home here too, and that was something that was good no matter how you looked at it.

:::

"So okay, this is awkward," said Jared, leading the way out to the lake in the early morning light. "Is it okay to admit that this is awkward? I figure we might as well just get that out there. This is kind of awkward."

"I know," said Jensen, hands in his pockets as they walked. "I know it's weird. But we should... we need to talk about whatever this is."

Yeah, they were going to have to talk about it, but they didn't until they reached the swimming rock, until they'd settled themselves comfortable in the meadow, side by side. They didn't have to be looking at one another to know they were there; Jared could even feel Jensen's slight nervous tremble, and touched his arm to make it stop.

"It's still so amazing having you out here with me," he said. "I dreamed about it so many times, but I never knew how wonderful it would really be. Not until it happened."

"You told me so much about this place I dreamed about it too," said Jensen. "Sometimes I would even dream about being somewhere just like this, far from the city, lying back and looking at the sky."

"Is it everything you dreamed about?"

"It's different," said Jensen. "I couldn't dream up the way the breeze feels, or the way the trees smell, or the sound of the water. The only thing I really knew was what it felt like to have you beside me."

"At least I gave you that," said Jared.

"You gave me so much more than that," said Jensen, "and I never even... I'm fucked in the head, Jared, you know that, right? I'm still... it's not all fixed. Just because I'm here it's not all fixed."

"I know that," said Jared. "It's okay, I know that this isn't all easy now just because you got past the biggest thing. I read up on this stuff. I know."

Jensen chuckled a little, but Jared wasn't sure at what exactly.

"The thing is, I always understood," said Jensen. "I always understood what it was going to take, for me to feel okay being out in the world again. I just never thought it was something I was ever going to find."

"It's not all me," insisted Jared.

"No, it's not," agreed Jensen. "It was always about me, I know that. It was about me not being able to trust anyone anymore, the way I used to. It was about me just taking a metaphorical butcher knife and carving that part of me out, and then thinking the amputation made me better."

"It wasn't an amputation," said Jared. "It was still there."

"Yeah, it was," he said quietly. "I didn't think I would ever trust like that again, but I did, I do. But that wasn't the only part of me that was broken."

"Jensen, you don't have to--"

"I was in love with him," he said. "That guy, the one who orchestrated the whole thing. He made me fall in love with him. And if I could fall in love with that kind of scum, I couldn't trust myself to ever do it again."

"Jensen--"

"But I did," he said, ignoring the interruption. "I went and did that too. Because you were right, you were all right, you can't just decide not to. Especially when someone like you walks into my life, Jared."

"Oh," breathed Jared, and he had to look, he had to see Jensen's face when he said something like that. "Oh my God."

"It's okay if you don't," said Jensen, not quite looking at him but God, looking so beautiful. "You don't have to... I just had to tell you. You need to know that my heart wasn't just broken, I was broken. And then there was you, and all of the hard stuff was worth trying again."

"You really think I don't?" said Jared incredulously. "Are you blind?"

Jensen finally looked at him, really looked at him, and that look was anything but blind.

Jared wasn't waiting a second more, he couldn't wait a second more. Before he even thought about what he was doing he was pushing himself up on his elbow and leaning in and he was kissing Jensen. No, they were kissing, because from the instant Jared's lips touched his, Jensen was kissing him back.

"If you make me get my own bed," Jensen breathed, still so close their lips brushed as he talked, "I'm going to crawl into yours every night anyway. I don't care about appearances, I just want to be with you."

"Nobody here cares about appearances," said Jared and kissed him again. And again. And again so many times he could barely even catch his breath, and didn't care if he ever breathed again as long as he could spend every moment kissing Jensen.

"I am so fucking in love with you," said Jensen. "Don't ever leave me again."

"I'm not going anywhere," said Jared, "and if I have any say in the matter, neither are you."

Jensen tugged Jared as close as they could get, arms and legs entangled, so close Jared could feel him breathing against his throat.

"It's still all a little scary," he admitted, fingers moving restlessly against Jared's skin. "I can't quite catch my breath."

"It's not just you," said Jared, catching Jensen's fingers with his own and entwining them again. "I'm a little breathless too. Everything I feel for you is so huge I hardly even know what to do about it."

"I knew I had to come," said Jensen softly, lips moving against Jared's skin, "and not just because of everything you told me, but because I knew that I'd be giving up the best thing that ever happened to me if I didn't."

Jared thought about all the things he'd been through to get to this point, all the schools and all the homes and all the people who never tried hard enough to make him feel important. And all of it was worth it, to bring him here to this meadow on this day with this person. He'd always told himself that everything in his life happened for a reason. Now he finally had proof that was true.

"I guess we get to figure all of this out together now, huh?"

Jared couldn't think of anything he wanted more.

Master Post