Not really a book review - The Art of Asking

[cislyn]

I recently (as in, a couple of days ago, in a quick rush of a few hours) read The Art of Asking: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help by Amanda Palmer. It's a good, solid read. It's kind of hard to classify this book (which is part of why I like it) but it is, in large part, a memoir. And Amanda Palmer is pretty good at pouring

Comments

[miintikwa]

I think... I think you've hit something for me. I'm going to have to try to untangle this when I am not brain dead from flare. Because wow. I think I've been conflating love and money in a potentially unhealthy way. And that makes me have thinky thoughts.

I also think that there's a privilege to being able to ask, have people give, and then RELEASE what they've given. I am currently in discussion with a person who donated to my GoFundMe about this, because they seem to think they have the right to judge ALL my uses of my money now. And no, you don't. Giving me $15 three months ago does not mean you can get pissed off that I went to a comedy show last week. Especially not when I told you EXACTLY what I used your $15 for, and thanked you, and then gave you a tarot reading on top of the thank you!

I may be a bit twitchy about asking at the moment. -.- Anyway. Yay fall?

[cislyn]

I think I've been conflating love and money in a potentially unhealthy way.

*wince* Yeah, it's pretty easy to do that. It's a hop skip and a jump away really -
giving money == support
support == love

Just a hop and skip. No jump required.

I'm glad this is helping you figure things out! A thing I've struggled with often is equating the acquisition of money with utility or worth. Obviously, the things I do, if they don't make money? Are literally worthless. Obviously. *shakes her head* Yeah. No. Lots of people do lots of things that don't make value for capitalism. Giving someone a hug? Listening to a friend? Doing the laundry and the dishes and the chores? Those things are all valuable, no matter the lack of currency exchange. But really internalizing that is hard.

I also think that there's a privilege to being able to ask, have people give, and then RELEASE what they've given.Definitely. Definitely definitely definitely. I think a lot of people feel - instinctively, perhaps, not even on a level they can articulate - that a gift

[miintikwa]

I think it's definitely also tied in with the esteem and the worth things. Because, like you, if things I make don't make money = worthless. And since *I* don't make money, clearly I'm worthless as well. Add in the "other people support me" and it's no wonder I often feel like a burden, regardless of the truth of that statement

[xo_kizzy_xo]

I've got a lot of thinky thoughts too about all this but they're a tangled mess.

I think...there's a big difference between crowdfunding for an artistic pursuit (because as miintikwa said, the privilege of asking/receiving/releasing) and regular crowdfunding for different things...which, I'd like to think, are honorable in the yes I NEED this because I don't have the money myself or I don't have the support, but it can be very tenuous because you just don't KNOW. For instance, I've seen a lot of GoFundMe's both here and elsewhere for medical issues, losing a home to a fire, funding a pet's treatment for illness, etc. The idealist in me wants to think that all these public requests are honorable and are truly needed. OTOH part of me wonders if people are using it as a crutch in the "Well, I'd pay for it myself but I also have to pay for XYZ" or "Hey, this is easy, I'll keep setting one of these up every so often!" In other words, the basic structure of it is so easy to abuse. That's what I don't like about it (hey, I've now untangled

[cislyn]

I'm glad you worked out some of your thinky thoughts on this! I agree with you that there are differences between crowdfunding artistic pursuits and crowdfunding for personal financial crises. I also agree that the basic structure is really easy to abuse.

Thinking about it some more today, I think there's also a problem inherent in the whole structure in that it encourages people to weigh other people's lives and pain and circumstances and difficulty and decide which things are more worthy. There's an inherent kind of competition precisely because all of our resources are limited. And when you're sitting there going "well, Person A needs help with their pets, and Person B needs help with their medical bills, and Person C wants help with her kid's college fund, and Person D lost all their possessions in a fire" which one do you choose

[xo_kizzy_xo]

I think judging is simply part of the human condition. If we didn't have the ability to judge, we'd have no vehicle to discern A vs. B, is X worse for me than Y, which shade of red do I like best and why? It's also part of the human condition to categorize similar things, whether it's cupcakes or pencils or applicants for a particular job. If we couldn't categorize, we wouldn't have the ability to discern between A and B. I may be giving a simplistic example but really, that's the gist.

That's a shitty feeling.

I think what bogs down many people -- and therefore adds to their discomfort -- are emotions, pure and simple: Do I feel as bad about person X's situation as I do about Y's? Why do I feel that? Making judgment calls can be very tricky. Some people circumvent that by going with their gut while others will impartially weigh the pros and cons.

It's a messy business, that's for sure. There's no one-size-fits-all pat answer, unfortunately.