Fic :: (Luke/Reid) "never giving you up"
Title: never giving you up
Pairing: Luke Snyder/ Dr. Reid Oliver
Rating: R (adult content)
Summary: Even the great Dr. Oliver can't cure every case presented to him. But when he made promises, he did everything in his power to keep them. So when Kara Mason makes him promise he'll make sure that her baby was okay. He is unsure of how to keep it, but Luke helps. Set 8 years in the future.
Author's Notes: Written as a self given dare of Luke and Reid becoming a family. In the same 'verse as 'the center of a circle' (don't have to read it to get this though.) I was given two amazing betas. openice who spent the time to ask me questions that needed to be asked, betaed even though it's a hard subject for her to read and sripley who had to deal with my hopeless insecurity via email form.
Luke didn’t have to see the look on Reid’s face to know that it’d been one of “those days”. He was on the couch, head knelt down with hands pressed into his eyes. It took a lot of strength for him not to go over and curl himself around Reid, but comforting Reid was a process he’d learned the hard way over time, one that started with little to no touch.
He sat on the edge of the love seat about five feet from Reid and coughed to make sure that Reid knew he was there. He hesitated to think of an opening question, thought about calling or texting one of the other doctors because sometimes that was just the path of least resistance but decided to wait it out.
Reid shook himself out of whatever thought he was in and blinked at Luke like it was the first time he saw he was there. He half smiled, a valiant effort that never the less looked more like a sneer.
“How’d your meeting go?”
Luke nodded slowly. “Good. I mean. It could have been better, the lawyer we’re working with is kind of a jerk.”
“Kind of a jerk, huh?” Reid grabbed forward to the open but still full beer in front of him. “Sounds familiar. Should I be worried?”
The tone of ease in his voice looked just plain wrong with the tight line of his lips and his shoulders but Luke went with it. “Oh yeah, totally. I go for straight woman in their late sixties who show me pictures of grandchildren after asking for 3% more than even a crazy person would ask.”
A genuine smile pulled the corner of Reid’s lips and Luke relaxed slightly.
“How was work?”
The smile was instantly replaced with a grimace. He took a sip of his beer and then started to pick off the label rather than look over at Luke. “Less than ideal.”
“Today was Kara’s surgery.” It didn’t need to be a question, he knew Reid’s schedule pretty well and this surgery in particular had been something that was being led up to with late nights of studying articles and planning timelines.
Reid gave a slight nod of his head.
“Is the baby okay?”
A sound that almost came off as a chuckle came out of his mouth. “Yes, he is.”
Luke considered the rest of the sentence carefully. “And…. And Kara?”
Reid was deadly still. He had the bottle halfway up to his mouth and Luke regretted asking the question entirely, which spoke for itself. Luke inched forward in the slow way he’d honed over the years. It still boggled him how no one else saw it like he did. The Reid in The Great Dr. Reid Oliver.
He landed himself on the arm of the couch and took it as a sign when Reid didn’t immediately flinch away. Another long moment and he sat down beside him, being careful not to touch.
“You want to talk about it?”
Reid scoffed. “Not particularly.”
Luke recoiled a bit, but nodded. He got that sometimes he needed to be alone. He braced his hands on his knees and moved to get up but a hand landed on his shoulder and pulled him back down.
“Her aneurysm burst before we could get to it,” he recited clinically. “The damage was too far gone for us to do anything besides sew her back together again and not risk infection.”
He inched to the left and lifted a hand to touch Reid’s back. Space or not, he needed contact. Reid didn’t react, didn’t even move, just sat there completely still. He should say something, but nothing sounded right. He opened his mouth and let the first thing he could think of out, “Reid, you did the best you could.”
“Bullshit,” Reid seethed. “The best I could do was to keep them both alive. Now I have an orphan and am using his dying mother as nothing more than an incubator.”
There was nothing to say to that. Luke could practically hear Reid’s heartbeat, erratic and intense and he couldn’t stand idly by while that happened. He turned towards him, put both hands on either side of his face and kissed him like his life depended on it, like he wasn’t breathing just for himself but for Reid as well.
Reid pressed him back against the couch in one deft move, essentially pinning him. Luke knew this was just a way to distract himself but he also knew that that Reid had been his distraction more than once. He let Reid set the pace, not really sure what it was he needed.
When they took a moment to breathe Luke stared him in the eyes for a long moment. There was definitely desire in his eyes, but it barely blocked out the pain. Luke reached his hand up and pulled Reid down for a tender kiss. “It’s not your fault, Reid. It’s not.”
Reid pressed his face down onto Luke’s shoulder and he could feel the warmth of his breath against his collarbone. Reid feebly pushed a hand up Luke’s shirt and laid it just above Luke’s heart. It wasn’t sexual, not even in the least, but a comfort nonetheless. Luke exhaled and moved forward to touch his forehead to Reid’s.
“Not your fault,” he repeated. In the eight years they’d been together he must’ve said those words a million times and they’ve yet to set in. Still, though, Luke had hope. He brushed a hand along the side of Reid’s’ curly hair.
*
Sometime in the middle of the night, having moved from the couch to the bed for comfort rather than sleep, Luke stared up at the ceiling. He knew Reid was still awake, could feel him shift from side to side.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Luke offered, feeling silly even as the words came out of his mouth.
Reid scoffed. “I assure you that my thoughts are far more valuable than that.”
“You know what I mean.”
There was an awkward silence, stretched out to almost unbearable length before Reid continued. “She made me promise I wouldn’t hurt her kid.”
“Technically you didn’t,” Luke offered.
Reid jerked towards him and Luke looked over to see the anger flash in his eyes. “I left him with no one, I killed his mother. What the hell do you call that?”
“She knew the risks,” Luke could probably talk through this script in his sleep.
Reid scoffed. “She knew the risks, but she was willing to wait till after. I was the one who told her to do it now.”
“Because it could have burst anytime, Reid. You were trying to save her life. That you saved this baby’s life is a gift.”
For a Doctor who claimed to be emotionless, Reid took things personally. Luke knew that Kara Mason had been different for Reid. From the moment the woman was admitted to the Snyder Pavilion, Reid talked about her like she was a curse. He ranted about how stubborn she was and how frustratingly single minded she could be. All of which Luke had to bite his tongue to point out that he was completely describing himself.
Were he not completely sure that Reid was only for guys he might actually have been jealous. Instead he was just amused at how slowly but surely Reid’s annoyance with her turned fond and how dedicated he became to getting her to be a former patient and on the right track to being a mom rather than a statistic.
“What are they going to do … you know… with the baby?”
Reid shifted back to facing the ceiling, face devoid of any emotion. “The OBGYN is deciding right now. For now, he is still in the womb.”
“It’s a boy?”
“He’s only 29 weeks along,” Reid ignored him. “If we can get him to 30 weeks his chances start going up exponentially. It’s keeping Kara’s body safe that is the question. The aneurysm has all but killed her system, everything is slowly dying.”
“What’ll happen after?”
“Once he’s healthy enough, I guess he’ll go to foster care.”
Luke’s chest went tight but he nodded. “Okay. I’ll look into foster care systems specializing in premature babies.”
Reid turned to him. “You don’t have to do that, Luke.”
“I don’t have to,” Luke agreed. “But I’m going to.”
Neither said another word, something about being together as long as they had gave them the upper hand. Reid knew there was no reason to fight Luke and Luke knew he really couldn’t do much more to comfort Reid than just be there. He pushed himself closer, turned onto his side and curled himself into Reid’s side.
It wasn’t cuddling, he’d assured Reid a million times before, it was sharing body heat.
*
Reid spent the next ten days fighting through red tape and board questions and Luke stood by and did nothing. There was nothing he could do really. Her liver failed and then her kidneys. Finally the board told him there was no time left that the baby had to be born, they weren’t keeping Kara on life support. Reid didn’t cry but Luke did it for him.
They told Reid to go home, but he didn’t listen. Reid told Luke to go home, he didn’t listen either. They sat in the waiting room, looking like two funeral attendees in a sea of people attending an Easter celebration. They didn’t talk, nor did they touch. They just sat, side-by-side and stared at their own hands.
An hour later (which felt like two days later), a group of people passed with an incubator. Luke gulped and knew. He just knew. Reid did as well, on his feet and chasing after the group before Luke could think to stop him. One of the nurses stopped him in his tracks.
“You can’t follow us.”
Reid struggled to pass the nurse, but for being small she seemed strong. “Like hell I can’t. I work here, I’m a doctor. Is that Kara Mason’s son?”
“Dr. Oliver, I know who you are,” the nurse put both hands to his chest. “That’s Ms. Mason’s son. He wasn’t breathing his lungs are underdeveloped. He needs the NICU. His brain is fine; you need to take a step back. You can’t help him right now.”
Luke reached his hand out and placed his hand on Reid’s shoulder. “Reid. She’s right.”
Reid exposed his teeth as he growled in frustration.
*
Luke felt like he was going out of his mind. Reid had buried himself into work from the day after the baby was born. In desperation Luke had gone to the board and sought to be named as a foster parent, sure that if Reid could see that the baby wasn’t being forgotten it would do something to shake the silence that had seemingly taken him over.
He’d literally called every single contact he had that worked with children in anyway and they all said the same thing. Premature babies, especially those that would most likely require extra care (which if what Reid told him was true, he would) were exceedingly hard to adopt. Not only was it common for parents to have used most of their resources to find a child in the first place it was difficult for couples to keep up with medical bills even with the access to financial aide available from the government.
When he’d asked the hospital board to assign him temporary status as the foster parent he’d foolishly thought it would make things easier. He wouldn’t be leaving it to an overworked social worker or possibly to someone who didn’t care where the child was going. He would be able to help Reid with the guilt that he still wasn’t dealing with but instead he found himself becoming exceedingly attached to the whole situation.
He’d seen the baby a grand total of once, in the hallway after he was born. All he could remember was how blue he was, how quiet everything around him was and how tiny he looked. Even the thought made his stomach into a tight knot.
He needed to give this baby a life. For Reid. Or so he told himself.
*
Luke knew better than to think he was allowed into the NICU, but went as far as he could before they would block him out. There was a window, he suspected for family members, which he wasn’t. And he knew that. But he caught sight of the incubator that said simply on the side “Baby Boy Mason” and stared at it for a while.
His latest attempt at finding the baby a home had fallen flat, again. It was harder than he expected to find a place that was willing or able to take on a child that had an uncertain future health wise. He wanted the baby to go to a home, wanted him to be raised as a part of a family and the idea of sending this tiny defenseless child to the unknown made his stomach flip.
A white lab coat came between him and the incubator and it startled him. A moment later when the head dipped down and he saw familiar reddish hair he had to do a double take. It was… Reid. Dr. Reid Oliver was in the NICU. With his pinkie wrapped inside a tiny baby palm.
Luke pressed a hand up to his mouth and bit his finger. The man surprised him every single day. There was a warm feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn’t describe as he watched the casual way Reid moved around the baby. He’d only let himself linger for a moment before he pulled back and straightened up to grab for the chart at the end of the bed.
He flipped through it with a frown and turned to a poor nurse walking by to snap a few questions or possibly demands. The woman nodded at him and moved as far away as fast as she could.
Reid shifted the baby to his other side and Luke held his gaze steady on the numbers on the screen above the incubator. He'd spent enough time in the hospital to know that the heart rate was staying steady, blood pressure going down a bit. It was good. The baby was okay. If not well, the baby was okay.
He wondered if he could ask Reid, or if Reid would just deny he’d been there. He wanted more than anything to just push the door open or knock on the glass or do something to make him aware that he was there, too. He was being ridiculous.
“He’s in there a lot.”
Luke jumped a foot into the air and turned around to find Allison with her head tilted around to watch Reid as well. “He is?”
“’It’s like his heart grew three times that day’,” she teased. “Want to go in?”
Luke shook his head. “They don’t let strangers into the NICU.”
“They let family in Luke,” Allison sighed and took his hand. “And you and Reid are the closest he’s got right now. Come on, we’ll get you suited up.”
She pulled him into a big green room that had a long sink and a ridiculous amount of green paper suits. She put him into the most ridiculous outfit he’d ever worn, a hair mask and booties and waited patiently as he scrubbed his hands. He was shaking like crazy, tried in vain to just tell her this was the worst idea even as he scrubbed under his nails and up onto his arms.
He knew the routine, count to thirty and scrub hard. Turn off the water with your elbow. Allison handed him the paper towels. It was like watching Grey’s Anatomy. Less sexual tension though.
“Now go in,” Allison pointed towards the door.
Luke frowned. “You aren’t coming with?”
“I’ve got other things to do,” she smiled. “Besides, Dr. Oliver only has about ten minutes left in there.”
Like that was supposed to be an incentive. She pressed a button and all but shoved him through the door. He stumbled and felt like the noise he made could be heard for miles but no one even turned towards him. It was all humming of machines and the steady beeping of monitors.
He walked towards where Reid was back to leaning over the incubator, voice low and steady. It made his heart hurt.
“I am switching you to Ciprofloxacin until the infection in your ear eases up,” Reid told the baby. “The inept fools they call nurses don’t know what to do, I’ll do it as often as I can. When I don’t, put up a fight, okay? You’re a fighter. I can tell already.”
Luke’s heart was lodged somewhere between his throat and his collar bone and beating so fast he thought he might choke. He just stood there with his body frozen but his mind running faster than it had before. He wanted. He wasn’t even sure what he wanted, but the underlying need in the moment was almost painful.
“Sir?” the nurse came up behind him.
Before Luke could react, Reid turned with an annoyed look. “It’s Doctor. See the co--? Luke?”
The nurse handed Reid something and turned away again. Luke held up one of his hands but didn’t wave. “Hey.”
“How’d you get back here?”
‘Allison made me.’ Sounded just as childish in his head as he assumed it would aloud so instead he said, “Allison said that we’re the closest to family he has. I went through scrub down.”
“We’re not his family.”
Luke prickled. “I said closest thing, not that we are.”
Reid considered this and then frowned at him. “Then you can help, seeing as the actual nurse ran.”
“Maybe if you were nice to her…” Luke pointed out, even as he was moving towards Reid’s side.
“They’ve been keeping him on the wrong side. He’s been lying on an ear with an infection and has yet to get the medication he needed twenty minutes ago. I’ll be nice when they’re competent.”
Luke couldn’t fight that, not when he saw the grimace it brought to Reid’s face. Lying on an infected ear, Luke looked down at the infant, still red faced and wrinkly. “Must not have felt that great, huh?”
“I’m going to need you to hold his head still while I put these drops in,” Reid said in his usual perfunctory medical voice. Luke looked at him like he was speaking Swahili. “Come on Mr. Snyder. He weighs four and a half pounds, I’m sure you can keep him still.”
“What if I hurt him?”
Reid’s voice lowered. “You won’t. Just, put your hand on the top of his head. Rest it there. He won’t move.”
“He’s at four and a half pounds?” Luke asked, mostly to distract himself from the fear of placing his hand on top of the pale duck feather hair on top of the small head. His thumb rubbed instinctively over the baby’s forehead and he could see Reid pause to watch.
“Four pounds seven ounces,” he confirmed, a note of pride even though he was back to ‘Dr. Oliver’ mode. “Hold him still.”
The baby mewled disapprovingly as the liquid hit his ear. “Shhh, come on. Shhh. He’s got you.”
He settled.
“You know, he needs a name.”
“Which his parents will give him,” Reid finished with the drops and rubbed gently at the small ear. “Any news in that department?”
Luke shook his head and didn’t go any further. Instead he focused back on the wrinkled skin underneath his hand. He carefully brushed some of the excess liquid that Reid had left on the outside of the ear.
“Maybe we can give him a nickname. He can’t just be ‘him’. He’s over a week old.”
Reid gave a long-suffering sigh. “And what do you suggest? Winston Churchill? Pinkie?”
“What about Rocky?” Luke smiled up at Reid. “You know, cause he’s a fighter?”
Reid smiled too, small and intimate and Luke blushed like they hadn’t been dating for nearly a decade. “I’ve got to go do rounds. I’ll… see you at home later.”
“See you,” Luke knew the Reid-brush-off when he got one but he admitted it stung a bit. It also left him with a hand on an infant, on Rocky, and completely unsure as to what to do next.
He’d see Rocky about ten minutes after he was born, being rushed to the NICU but even then it was only for a moment. Now he looked down and brushed his fingers softly along the side of the tiny face, down the chest that was covered in wires and counted the toes that were so small they seemed unreal. If he had been determined to find him a good home before he was beyond that now. It was his sole mission.
“He’s small, but he’s got some fight in him,” a voice came from beside him. The same nurse that was so quick to run from Reid. “If you want and you can wait about five minutes you can feed him.”
Luke’s hand abruptly retracted from the incubator and he backed up slightly. “I don’t think I’m the one who should be doing that. I’m just… his…”
“You’re his foster parent,” she smiled. “It’s on the paper work. Besides, it’s better for premies to have human contact. We have volunteers and nurses but maybe you’ll be what’s best for him.”
He’d been assigned as foster care so that he could speak on his behalf for adoption agencies. He hadn’t meant for it to be anything more than that, but … he didn’t quite want to leave just yet. He nodded, soft and unsure.
“Good,” she smiled. Luke looked down at her nametag. Jamie Grant RN. “Now we have to just let the ear drops settle and set up his bottle. Wanna help?”
Luke should say no, every instinct told him it was a bad idea but instead he shrugged and nodded. “Why not?”
Jamie beamed at him and led Luke to the corner with a mini fridge. “Okay, well then. Let me show you just how to do this. We’ve been trying to bottle-feed him a bit more since he hit 33 weeks. He’s doing well. It’s donated breast milk, which gives him the right amount of immunity.”
“People donate breast milk?” Luke tried to hide the slight cringe of his face. That was… weird.
“Don’t worry, we vet,” she smiled, like that was the problem. She had a small bottle in her hand labeled ‘baby boy Mason’ and was rubbing it back and forth in her hands. A moment later she placed it in a bottle warmer and turned to him. “It’s critical in the first few weeks to give the child as much immunity as possible, as well as human contact. There’s only so much hospital personnel can do, you know?”
He nodded, even if he didn’t entirely get it.
Jamie led him back to a rocking chair beside the bed. “Now sit down and roll up your sleeves.”
“Huh?”
She ignored him, turned to the incubator and started to softly detach a few of the leads. Luke almost bolted upright and jumped out of the chair but found himself stuck. He pushed back his sleeves to the elbow and watched as she gingerly took Rocky out of his bed and wrapped him in a tight blanket.
Was it too tight? Too cold? Why was he making that face? Luke bit back the questions and held shifted when Jamie handed him the blanket and his heart stopped. It was so so very light; it was almost like he was holding nothing at all.
“He’s so tiny,” he breathed, even if he’d said it before. Jamie handed him the warmed bottle and a cloth.
“We’re hoping he can get 3 ounces down. Don’t feel bad if he doesn’t get it, he’s still has some pretty bad reflux.”
He’d remembered feeding Ethan, the way he held him and the way he offered the bottle. But then again it all felt foreign. He lifted the bottle and then frowned and shifted the blanket ever so slightly in his arms. When he put the nipple near Rocky’s mouth the baby pushed his lips out against it. He looked up at Jamie, who was hiding a smile and she leaned over.
“You’ve got it,” she laughed. “He’s still getting used to it, you’re going to have to actually offer it to him.”
He tried again and the tiny mouth wrapped around the bottle like it was second nature. He would have pumped his fist if he were willing to move. He looked back up at Jamie and beamed. “Got it.”
“You’re a natural,” she praised. “Now I hope you don’t have anywhere to go, cause this might be a while.”
*
All in all Luke was in the NICU for two hours. The first hour was trying to get Rocky to just take in as much as he could, taking breaks when the baby mewled. He felt like he won a gold medal when they passed the 3 ounces mark, almost three and a half actually but then as soon as he pulled back it felt like almost all of it came back up.
“It seems like more than it is,” Jamie, who’d come back around every fifteen minutes or so, assured him. “Don’t worry. You did good, really. Sure you aren’t free to do this every afternoon?”
Luke hesitated, hindbrain screaming ‘YES!’ while the more rational part of him screamed ‘HELL NO.’ Instead he told her he had to think about it.
The second hour was spent just seated there, rocking him back and forth while alternating between staring down the monitor and looking down a the tiny form in his hands. He offered out his finger and found that Rocky really was pretty strong for his size, grabbing on and holding. He even braved and shifted the baby to against his chest.
“Heartbeat to heartbeat,” Jamie smiled. “It’ll be comforting, trust me. Even with all those monitors and clothes between you.”
Rocky slept. And slept. And kept sleeping. He made weird snuffling noises against his chest, little palm curled up and pressed into his shoulder. It took all his energy not to stay there for another two hours until he had to be fed again. But he knew better to get attached. He needed to find him a permanent home, one that would treat him the way he needed to be treated.
So he put the baby back in his incubator and watched as Jamie put all the leads back on. Waited while the read outs told him that the baby was still healthy enough.
And he went home.
Where Reid wasn’t, and wouldn’t be for at least another few hours. He sat down at his desk and took the list of agencies and names that he’d compiled and went over it again. He’d put green checks next to the ones that said they’d look into it and crossed out the ones who flat out said no. There were too few checks for his liking.
He should know more places he had connections. In all the years he resented the use of his name and his money he was feeling beyond frustrated that none of it was working. He longed to just pick up the phone and call someone and say, “I am Luciano Grimaldi and you had better listen to what I’m saying.”
It made him equal parts guilty and irritated that it wasn’t possible. Maybe he was his father’s son after all (bad dad he thought and felt like that was a million years ago).
The places that had offered to take the baby… to take Rocky… were non-for profit and all looked like intelligent and sweet individuals ran them and yet it just didn’t settle well. He didn’t want him to be raised in an institution. For him to be treated like a number or to be shuffled between caregivers, the idea made his skin crawl.
He flipped his laptop open and smiled a little at the picture of him and Reid at Chris and Katie’s wedding. Reid had to have been caught off guard by the photographer because he had a genuine smile on his face and was staring at Luke with open affection creasing the corner of his eyes. Luke was staring at the camera with a relaxed half smile.
*
Against his better judgment he showed up the next day and waited outside the door guiltily before he knew Reid wasn’t going to be there. He suited himself up, cleaned his skin like his life (or more importantly someone else’s) depended on it. He even donned the ridiculous hair net that most people seemed to conveniently forget.
Rocky had switched to the other side and Luke felt nervously aware of what Reid had ranted about the day before. When Jamie came bubbling up to him, cheerfully announcing that he was just in time, he pointed towards the baby’s position and frowned.
“Isn’t that bad for his ear?”
Jamie laughed, harder than he thought was actually necessary. “You really are married to Dr. Oliver, aren’t you?”
“We aren’t married.”
“Whatever,” she rolled her eyes. “He has to spend time on both sides, we don’t want him to risk other infections. He’s had his eardrops, it’s looking like it’s clearing up. Dr. Oliver has been watching him like a hawk which is making his actual doctor and thus my life a living hell, but we get it.”
Luke’s eyes were transfixed on the sleeping baby; he barely caught the last sentence at all. “You get what?”
“They say doctors are the worst patients, but doctor’s family members? Are a hundred times worse.”
She pressed the already warmed bottle into his hands and he was so dumb struck he fell back into the chair without protest. They assumed that the baby was theirs? That they were keeping him? He’d thought about, of course, but never thought anyone would think it was a feasible idea.
Rocky’s blanket felt warmer than usual, like it was just out of the dryer.
“Has he been cold?” Luke bit his lower lip. “Is everything going okay?”
“Fine,” she smiled. “He’s fine. Just got the luck of the draw. Laundry just came in. Now, I’ve got four other babies and only two hands, press the red button if you need any help, got me?”
He nodded and she walked away. He looked at the bottle and then down at Rocky, remembering the fact that he fought it at first the day before.
“Okay, Rocks,” he whispered. “You’re going to have to trust me when I say this is the best thing for you, okay? Trust me.”
When Rocky took the bottle without even flinching and began to take hungrily from it Luke almost danced in his seat. He looked around the room to see if anyone else had caught that and tried his best not to be disappointed when he saw that no one did.
*
Then it became a thing.
Usually afternoons, sometimes evenings when Reid was working, Luke would show up and sit there. Feed Rocky, talk to him, sometimes just hold his hand and rub the tiny knuckles. It was a reminder, he told himself, of what he was fighting for. Which was a life for a little boy who deserved it.
It became his mission, every day he dedicated an hour to just trying to find the right place to have him sent but nothing seemed to work. Agencies said they could find families, but they’d be closed adoptions and that made Luke’s stomach hurt. Who know what kind of families he could end up with? State homes had ratios that made the hospital seem over staffed and he wasn’t going to let that happen to Rocky. He just wasn’t.
It was a ticking clock. Every day he got stronger and was going towards the point of no return. Where he had to make a decision on what was best for him, and everyday he became more and more sure of what he thought that should be. Or, at very least, his heart was sure what it should be, his brain was just a little messed up about it.
And he wasn’t the scariest part of the equation.
He knew for a fact that Reid still went into the nursery and visited Rocky, knew that the nurses had to sometimes kick him out during medical procedures because Reid would try to do them himself. Deep down Luke also knew that Reid wanted what was best for the baby as well. Even if he never talked about Rocky or visiting him or any of that.
He brought it up after dinner, hoping the glass of wine and the full stomach would help. He was wrong.
“We can’t keep him,” Reid wouldn’t look at Luke.
Luke flailed his hands. “And why not? WHY? We are two adults. We have a house without a mortgage. Good steady jobs. Excellent healthcare available. We love him. What part of that speaks to us not being fit for this?”
“Don’t make me list all the reasons this is a bad idea, Luke.”
“You’re scared!” he bellowed. “That’s the only real reason. You’re scared. And I get that. Hell, I’m scared too. But just because something is scary doesn’t make it wrong. You promised Kara you would make sure nothing bad happened to her child. Think of this as keeping your promise.”
And yeah, it was probably a low blow to bring Kara into the equation. Luke could tell from the look on Reid’s face and the way he all be recoiled like he’d been punched. But it was true. It was the best thing for Rocky, it was the best thing for them both. They hadn’t ever talked about kids, but a family was something he’d always wanted. Maybe it wasn’t the best circumstances to start one but what part of their relationship had started in a normal way?
Reid was gaping at him like a fish, a pretty pissed off fish. “And how, in your mythical land of delusion, would we go about adopting him? Have your grandmother make a few calls, cut through the red tape with a pair of golden scissors?”
“I’m already his foster parent,” Luke said, teeth clenched but trying his best not to rise to the bait. “I became so when they started looking for adoption options. I’m sure that even without throwing around money the process would work out.”
“Two gay men, who aren’t married, adopting a baby. Who, by the way, is only an orphan because of the men killed his mother. Only in the land of the entitled does that sound possible.”
Luke stepped towards Reid and Reid took a giant step back. “You didn’t kill his mother. And don’t worry, I’m acutely aware how unmarried we are. But maybe that’s a good thing. I can adopt him and you can go on with this pity party you are insisting on throwing yourself.”
His keys were in his pocket and he was closest to the door, he didn’t grab his jacket he just moved. He slammed the door behind him, the loud noise making him feel mildly better.
He thought about going to the farm, or to his grandmother’s but really he didn’t want to go to either. He wasn’t going to sleep. In the end he needed to feel close to somebody, to family but not to the prying ears of his mother or grandmother. Good intentions or not they didn’t know when to quit.
Besides all that there was only one place he felt like he needed to be. It was absurd, not that he would give Reid the satisfaction of hearing that come out of his mouth, but all he wanted was to go back to the NICU. He couldn’t help but picture the small butterfly needle looking huge on his inner thigh.
It made his stomach drop to his knees and the bottom of his feet hit the pedal into the floor. He just… He needed to know that he was safe. No matter what decisions were made in the next few weeks he felt like he had to be there for Rock… for the baby. It was his job. Not really a job, a responsibility to care of this innocent child until it was put in better hands. He took his job quite seriously.
“Mr. Snyder, “ Nick, the night nurse smiled at him and flicked a quick look at the time. “Kind of late, don’t you think?”
Luke stared through the small pane of glass that allowed him to watch the rise and fall of Rocky’s chest and nodded. “Was having trouble sleeping. I won’t bother him, I just… wanted to make sure he was okay.”
“He’s doing well,” Nick assured him. “And actually, if you wait about ten minutes you can feed him.”
He should say no, he shouldn’t get even more attached when he knew that he wasn’t going anywhere but he nodded and went into the room to get cleaned up. It was second nature to him after the two weeks and countless times he’d done it and the routine was actually kind of soothing. He stepped into the booties and pressed the button to let himself in.
Rocky’s eyes were wide open, big and brown and Luke realized it was the first time he’d seen them for more than a split second. There were less wires on him as well, just a few on his chest one of which he recognized as the heart monitor. He leaned down.
“What are you doing up this late?” he asked and practically jumped when the eyes reacted to his voice. “Hey, he-hey you.”
“He’s been alert a lot more often,” Nick came up behind him with a bottle in his hand. “And today he officially joined the six pound club.”
Luke was making a valiant effort not to cry, even if he couldn’t place why he was so emotional about it. “That’s good.”
“Good? He’s almost double his birth weight. And breathing mostly on his own. He’s a real fighter, this one.”
Luke laughed at the joke that Nick hadn’t even meant to make. He stumbled back into the rocking chair as Nick took off the leads and pressed a few buttons. He stared down, Rocky’s eyes still open and seemingly attached to looking at him. “Hey, you hungry little man?”
“I swear he eats better with you,” Nick pointed out. “Give it a few more of your feedings and he’ll be ready to go home.”
Rocky took the bottle eagerly and Luke just froze. Nick was already halfway across the room but his words stayed behind. ‘Ready to go home.’ There wasn’t a home for him to be ready to go to. There was nowhere. A state run orphanage with certified healthcare professionals. He was thankful no one was around when a few rogue tears made their way down his face.
He knew that even if he didn’t want to admit it, Reid had logical reasons to not keep him. They were no more ready to be parents than either was ready to work on Broadway. It wasn’t like getting a puppy, it was starting a family and no matter how much he wanted it he knew that he wanted what he had with Reid.
Besides which Rocky deserved two parents who wanted him. Luke shifted his face to rub away the tear residue onto his shoulder, pulling back just enough that Rocky let out a noise of disapproval.
“Sorry Rocks,” he gave a watery laugh.
“Never come between a man and his food,” a low voice brought Luke’s attention away from the baby and he nearly dropped the bottle.
“Reid?”
Reid stood, looking ridiculous in the blue scrub covers and cap, a tight-lipped frown on his face. “I figured I’d find you here.”
“Look, can we not fight right now?” Luke pleaded.
“I don’t want to fight,” Reid’s voice was soft and a second later he was kneeling in front of the rocking chair. “You’re right. I’m scared. And I don’t think this is a good idea.”
Luke closed his eyes. “I know you don’t. And you’re probably right.”
Knowing something was true and actually hearing it said out loud were two different ball games. His eyes slid open and a few more tears escaped, he looked down at where Rocky was still drinking but had his eyes closed and sighed.
“We can’t name him Rocky.”
Luke jerked up again. “We … what?”
Reid licked his lips and averted his eyes. (Science Nerd Guy Luke thought, and would have laughed but … yeah.) “Look, I’m not kidding, I think this is a terrible idea. I’m going to screw up a lot and I’m not used to doing things without knowing the outcome. But I can’t see him going home with someone else, because he’s ours.
“And maybe he’s been ours since that first day you came in here and maybe I’ve been stupid to fight it because I know you’re usually going to fight for what you think is right. But I was-I AM scared. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I don’t like it. But I do know that my son is not going to be named after a bad Sylvester Stallone movie.”
For a moment Luke had really no words in his head beyond, ‘ours and ‘son’. He opened and shut his mouth more than once and then he said the first thing that came to his mind. “He hit six pounds and doesn’t need oxygen all the time.”
“Six pounds, already?” Reid’s face broke into a huge smile and he brushed a hand along the top of the baby’s head. “That means he’d be released soon.”
“To come home,” Luke beamed and carefully leaned the little distance it took to give kiss Reid. “Are you… are you sure?”
Reid shook his head. “Not even a little bit. But Katie assures me that’s how most parents feel.”
“You called Katie? What about Jacob and Malcolm?”
Reid half smiled. “Doogie Hughes handled that.”
“You know he can exact his revenge now, right?”
Reid put a finger out and even in his sleep Rocky opened up a palm and grabbed onto it. If Luke guessed right, Reid didn’t seem to care at that moment.
“We could name him Reid Jr,” Reid gave a half-cocked smile. “It sounds good with ‘Dr.’ in front of it.”
Luke rolled his eyes, “Name first, then we can work on the profession… What about Apollo?”
Reid let out a loud fake sigh, rubbing a thumb along the baby’s cheek. “The worst part is that your dad really thinks he’s funny.”
He tried not to let his chest swell at the word ‘dad’ and instead tried for serious. “What about Mason?”
“What about Riley?” Reid tried back.
Luke opened his mouth to retort but… well. He actually liked that name. “Riley?”
“Mason is just a little morbid, don’t you think?”
“Tell me you’ve never dated a Riley.”
Reid glared at him.
“It’s a valid question!” Luke laughed, but then looked down and smiled. “I like it. Riley Oliver Snyder.”
Reid just beamed back.
(In years to come, much to Reid’s annoyance, Rocky stuck as a nickname. Thankfully though, only from Luke.)
PS. this started as a piece about Reid but ended up being a lot more about Luke. A happy snippet is coming soon, sorry it was so full of angst.
Pairing: Luke Snyder/ Dr. Reid Oliver
Rating: R (adult content)
Summary: Even the great Dr. Oliver can't cure every case presented to him. But when he made promises, he did everything in his power to keep them. So when Kara Mason makes him promise he'll make sure that her baby was okay. He is unsure of how to keep it, but Luke helps. Set 8 years in the future.
Author's Notes: Written as a self given dare of Luke and Reid becoming a family. In the same 'verse as 'the center of a circle' (don't have to read it to get this though.) I was given two amazing betas. openice who spent the time to ask me questions that needed to be asked, betaed even though it's a hard subject for her to read and sripley who had to deal with my hopeless insecurity via email form.
Luke didn’t have to see the look on Reid’s face to know that it’d been one of “those days”. He was on the couch, head knelt down with hands pressed into his eyes. It took a lot of strength for him not to go over and curl himself around Reid, but comforting Reid was a process he’d learned the hard way over time, one that started with little to no touch.
He sat on the edge of the love seat about five feet from Reid and coughed to make sure that Reid knew he was there. He hesitated to think of an opening question, thought about calling or texting one of the other doctors because sometimes that was just the path of least resistance but decided to wait it out.
Reid shook himself out of whatever thought he was in and blinked at Luke like it was the first time he saw he was there. He half smiled, a valiant effort that never the less looked more like a sneer.
“How’d your meeting go?”
Luke nodded slowly. “Good. I mean. It could have been better, the lawyer we’re working with is kind of a jerk.”
“Kind of a jerk, huh?” Reid grabbed forward to the open but still full beer in front of him. “Sounds familiar. Should I be worried?”
The tone of ease in his voice looked just plain wrong with the tight line of his lips and his shoulders but Luke went with it. “Oh yeah, totally. I go for straight woman in their late sixties who show me pictures of grandchildren after asking for 3% more than even a crazy person would ask.”
A genuine smile pulled the corner of Reid’s lips and Luke relaxed slightly.
“How was work?”
The smile was instantly replaced with a grimace. He took a sip of his beer and then started to pick off the label rather than look over at Luke. “Less than ideal.”
“Today was Kara’s surgery.” It didn’t need to be a question, he knew Reid’s schedule pretty well and this surgery in particular had been something that was being led up to with late nights of studying articles and planning timelines.
Reid gave a slight nod of his head.
“Is the baby okay?”
A sound that almost came off as a chuckle came out of his mouth. “Yes, he is.”
Luke considered the rest of the sentence carefully. “And…. And Kara?”
Reid was deadly still. He had the bottle halfway up to his mouth and Luke regretted asking the question entirely, which spoke for itself. Luke inched forward in the slow way he’d honed over the years. It still boggled him how no one else saw it like he did. The Reid in The Great Dr. Reid Oliver.
He landed himself on the arm of the couch and took it as a sign when Reid didn’t immediately flinch away. Another long moment and he sat down beside him, being careful not to touch.
“You want to talk about it?”
Reid scoffed. “Not particularly.”
Luke recoiled a bit, but nodded. He got that sometimes he needed to be alone. He braced his hands on his knees and moved to get up but a hand landed on his shoulder and pulled him back down.
“Her aneurysm burst before we could get to it,” he recited clinically. “The damage was too far gone for us to do anything besides sew her back together again and not risk infection.”
He inched to the left and lifted a hand to touch Reid’s back. Space or not, he needed contact. Reid didn’t react, didn’t even move, just sat there completely still. He should say something, but nothing sounded right. He opened his mouth and let the first thing he could think of out, “Reid, you did the best you could.”
“Bullshit,” Reid seethed. “The best I could do was to keep them both alive. Now I have an orphan and am using his dying mother as nothing more than an incubator.”
There was nothing to say to that. Luke could practically hear Reid’s heartbeat, erratic and intense and he couldn’t stand idly by while that happened. He turned towards him, put both hands on either side of his face and kissed him like his life depended on it, like he wasn’t breathing just for himself but for Reid as well.
Reid pressed him back against the couch in one deft move, essentially pinning him. Luke knew this was just a way to distract himself but he also knew that that Reid had been his distraction more than once. He let Reid set the pace, not really sure what it was he needed.
When they took a moment to breathe Luke stared him in the eyes for a long moment. There was definitely desire in his eyes, but it barely blocked out the pain. Luke reached his hand up and pulled Reid down for a tender kiss. “It’s not your fault, Reid. It’s not.”
Reid pressed his face down onto Luke’s shoulder and he could feel the warmth of his breath against his collarbone. Reid feebly pushed a hand up Luke’s shirt and laid it just above Luke’s heart. It wasn’t sexual, not even in the least, but a comfort nonetheless. Luke exhaled and moved forward to touch his forehead to Reid’s.
“Not your fault,” he repeated. In the eight years they’d been together he must’ve said those words a million times and they’ve yet to set in. Still, though, Luke had hope. He brushed a hand along the side of Reid’s’ curly hair.
*
Sometime in the middle of the night, having moved from the couch to the bed for comfort rather than sleep, Luke stared up at the ceiling. He knew Reid was still awake, could feel him shift from side to side.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Luke offered, feeling silly even as the words came out of his mouth.
Reid scoffed. “I assure you that my thoughts are far more valuable than that.”
“You know what I mean.”
There was an awkward silence, stretched out to almost unbearable length before Reid continued. “She made me promise I wouldn’t hurt her kid.”
“Technically you didn’t,” Luke offered.
Reid jerked towards him and Luke looked over to see the anger flash in his eyes. “I left him with no one, I killed his mother. What the hell do you call that?”
“She knew the risks,” Luke could probably talk through this script in his sleep.
Reid scoffed. “She knew the risks, but she was willing to wait till after. I was the one who told her to do it now.”
“Because it could have burst anytime, Reid. You were trying to save her life. That you saved this baby’s life is a gift.”
For a Doctor who claimed to be emotionless, Reid took things personally. Luke knew that Kara Mason had been different for Reid. From the moment the woman was admitted to the Snyder Pavilion, Reid talked about her like she was a curse. He ranted about how stubborn she was and how frustratingly single minded she could be. All of which Luke had to bite his tongue to point out that he was completely describing himself.
Were he not completely sure that Reid was only for guys he might actually have been jealous. Instead he was just amused at how slowly but surely Reid’s annoyance with her turned fond and how dedicated he became to getting her to be a former patient and on the right track to being a mom rather than a statistic.
“What are they going to do … you know… with the baby?”
Reid shifted back to facing the ceiling, face devoid of any emotion. “The OBGYN is deciding right now. For now, he is still in the womb.”
“It’s a boy?”
“He’s only 29 weeks along,” Reid ignored him. “If we can get him to 30 weeks his chances start going up exponentially. It’s keeping Kara’s body safe that is the question. The aneurysm has all but killed her system, everything is slowly dying.”
“What’ll happen after?”
“Once he’s healthy enough, I guess he’ll go to foster care.”
Luke’s chest went tight but he nodded. “Okay. I’ll look into foster care systems specializing in premature babies.”
Reid turned to him. “You don’t have to do that, Luke.”
“I don’t have to,” Luke agreed. “But I’m going to.”
Neither said another word, something about being together as long as they had gave them the upper hand. Reid knew there was no reason to fight Luke and Luke knew he really couldn’t do much more to comfort Reid than just be there. He pushed himself closer, turned onto his side and curled himself into Reid’s side.
It wasn’t cuddling, he’d assured Reid a million times before, it was sharing body heat.
*
Reid spent the next ten days fighting through red tape and board questions and Luke stood by and did nothing. There was nothing he could do really. Her liver failed and then her kidneys. Finally the board told him there was no time left that the baby had to be born, they weren’t keeping Kara on life support. Reid didn’t cry but Luke did it for him.
They told Reid to go home, but he didn’t listen. Reid told Luke to go home, he didn’t listen either. They sat in the waiting room, looking like two funeral attendees in a sea of people attending an Easter celebration. They didn’t talk, nor did they touch. They just sat, side-by-side and stared at their own hands.
An hour later (which felt like two days later), a group of people passed with an incubator. Luke gulped and knew. He just knew. Reid did as well, on his feet and chasing after the group before Luke could think to stop him. One of the nurses stopped him in his tracks.
“You can’t follow us.”
Reid struggled to pass the nurse, but for being small she seemed strong. “Like hell I can’t. I work here, I’m a doctor. Is that Kara Mason’s son?”
“Dr. Oliver, I know who you are,” the nurse put both hands to his chest. “That’s Ms. Mason’s son. He wasn’t breathing his lungs are underdeveloped. He needs the NICU. His brain is fine; you need to take a step back. You can’t help him right now.”
Luke reached his hand out and placed his hand on Reid’s shoulder. “Reid. She’s right.”
Reid exposed his teeth as he growled in frustration.
*
Luke felt like he was going out of his mind. Reid had buried himself into work from the day after the baby was born. In desperation Luke had gone to the board and sought to be named as a foster parent, sure that if Reid could see that the baby wasn’t being forgotten it would do something to shake the silence that had seemingly taken him over.
He’d literally called every single contact he had that worked with children in anyway and they all said the same thing. Premature babies, especially those that would most likely require extra care (which if what Reid told him was true, he would) were exceedingly hard to adopt. Not only was it common for parents to have used most of their resources to find a child in the first place it was difficult for couples to keep up with medical bills even with the access to financial aide available from the government.
When he’d asked the hospital board to assign him temporary status as the foster parent he’d foolishly thought it would make things easier. He wouldn’t be leaving it to an overworked social worker or possibly to someone who didn’t care where the child was going. He would be able to help Reid with the guilt that he still wasn’t dealing with but instead he found himself becoming exceedingly attached to the whole situation.
He’d seen the baby a grand total of once, in the hallway after he was born. All he could remember was how blue he was, how quiet everything around him was and how tiny he looked. Even the thought made his stomach into a tight knot.
He needed to give this baby a life. For Reid. Or so he told himself.
*
Luke knew better than to think he was allowed into the NICU, but went as far as he could before they would block him out. There was a window, he suspected for family members, which he wasn’t. And he knew that. But he caught sight of the incubator that said simply on the side “Baby Boy Mason” and stared at it for a while.
His latest attempt at finding the baby a home had fallen flat, again. It was harder than he expected to find a place that was willing or able to take on a child that had an uncertain future health wise. He wanted the baby to go to a home, wanted him to be raised as a part of a family and the idea of sending this tiny defenseless child to the unknown made his stomach flip.
A white lab coat came between him and the incubator and it startled him. A moment later when the head dipped down and he saw familiar reddish hair he had to do a double take. It was… Reid. Dr. Reid Oliver was in the NICU. With his pinkie wrapped inside a tiny baby palm.
Luke pressed a hand up to his mouth and bit his finger. The man surprised him every single day. There was a warm feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn’t describe as he watched the casual way Reid moved around the baby. He’d only let himself linger for a moment before he pulled back and straightened up to grab for the chart at the end of the bed.
He flipped through it with a frown and turned to a poor nurse walking by to snap a few questions or possibly demands. The woman nodded at him and moved as far away as fast as she could.
Reid shifted the baby to his other side and Luke held his gaze steady on the numbers on the screen above the incubator. He'd spent enough time in the hospital to know that the heart rate was staying steady, blood pressure going down a bit. It was good. The baby was okay. If not well, the baby was okay.
He wondered if he could ask Reid, or if Reid would just deny he’d been there. He wanted more than anything to just push the door open or knock on the glass or do something to make him aware that he was there, too. He was being ridiculous.
“He’s in there a lot.”
Luke jumped a foot into the air and turned around to find Allison with her head tilted around to watch Reid as well. “He is?”
“’It’s like his heart grew three times that day’,” she teased. “Want to go in?”
Luke shook his head. “They don’t let strangers into the NICU.”
“They let family in Luke,” Allison sighed and took his hand. “And you and Reid are the closest he’s got right now. Come on, we’ll get you suited up.”
She pulled him into a big green room that had a long sink and a ridiculous amount of green paper suits. She put him into the most ridiculous outfit he’d ever worn, a hair mask and booties and waited patiently as he scrubbed his hands. He was shaking like crazy, tried in vain to just tell her this was the worst idea even as he scrubbed under his nails and up onto his arms.
He knew the routine, count to thirty and scrub hard. Turn off the water with your elbow. Allison handed him the paper towels. It was like watching Grey’s Anatomy. Less sexual tension though.
“Now go in,” Allison pointed towards the door.
Luke frowned. “You aren’t coming with?”
“I’ve got other things to do,” she smiled. “Besides, Dr. Oliver only has about ten minutes left in there.”
Like that was supposed to be an incentive. She pressed a button and all but shoved him through the door. He stumbled and felt like the noise he made could be heard for miles but no one even turned towards him. It was all humming of machines and the steady beeping of monitors.
He walked towards where Reid was back to leaning over the incubator, voice low and steady. It made his heart hurt.
“I am switching you to Ciprofloxacin until the infection in your ear eases up,” Reid told the baby. “The inept fools they call nurses don’t know what to do, I’ll do it as often as I can. When I don’t, put up a fight, okay? You’re a fighter. I can tell already.”
Luke’s heart was lodged somewhere between his throat and his collar bone and beating so fast he thought he might choke. He just stood there with his body frozen but his mind running faster than it had before. He wanted. He wasn’t even sure what he wanted, but the underlying need in the moment was almost painful.
“Sir?” the nurse came up behind him.
Before Luke could react, Reid turned with an annoyed look. “It’s Doctor. See the co--? Luke?”
The nurse handed Reid something and turned away again. Luke held up one of his hands but didn’t wave. “Hey.”
“How’d you get back here?”
‘Allison made me.’ Sounded just as childish in his head as he assumed it would aloud so instead he said, “Allison said that we’re the closest to family he has. I went through scrub down.”
“We’re not his family.”
Luke prickled. “I said closest thing, not that we are.”
Reid considered this and then frowned at him. “Then you can help, seeing as the actual nurse ran.”
“Maybe if you were nice to her…” Luke pointed out, even as he was moving towards Reid’s side.
“They’ve been keeping him on the wrong side. He’s been lying on an ear with an infection and has yet to get the medication he needed twenty minutes ago. I’ll be nice when they’re competent.”
Luke couldn’t fight that, not when he saw the grimace it brought to Reid’s face. Lying on an infected ear, Luke looked down at the infant, still red faced and wrinkly. “Must not have felt that great, huh?”
“I’m going to need you to hold his head still while I put these drops in,” Reid said in his usual perfunctory medical voice. Luke looked at him like he was speaking Swahili. “Come on Mr. Snyder. He weighs four and a half pounds, I’m sure you can keep him still.”
“What if I hurt him?”
Reid’s voice lowered. “You won’t. Just, put your hand on the top of his head. Rest it there. He won’t move.”
“He’s at four and a half pounds?” Luke asked, mostly to distract himself from the fear of placing his hand on top of the pale duck feather hair on top of the small head. His thumb rubbed instinctively over the baby’s forehead and he could see Reid pause to watch.
“Four pounds seven ounces,” he confirmed, a note of pride even though he was back to ‘Dr. Oliver’ mode. “Hold him still.”
The baby mewled disapprovingly as the liquid hit his ear. “Shhh, come on. Shhh. He’s got you.”
He settled.
“You know, he needs a name.”
“Which his parents will give him,” Reid finished with the drops and rubbed gently at the small ear. “Any news in that department?”
Luke shook his head and didn’t go any further. Instead he focused back on the wrinkled skin underneath his hand. He carefully brushed some of the excess liquid that Reid had left on the outside of the ear.
“Maybe we can give him a nickname. He can’t just be ‘him’. He’s over a week old.”
Reid gave a long-suffering sigh. “And what do you suggest? Winston Churchill? Pinkie?”
“What about Rocky?” Luke smiled up at Reid. “You know, cause he’s a fighter?”
Reid smiled too, small and intimate and Luke blushed like they hadn’t been dating for nearly a decade. “I’ve got to go do rounds. I’ll… see you at home later.”
“See you,” Luke knew the Reid-brush-off when he got one but he admitted it stung a bit. It also left him with a hand on an infant, on Rocky, and completely unsure as to what to do next.
He’d see Rocky about ten minutes after he was born, being rushed to the NICU but even then it was only for a moment. Now he looked down and brushed his fingers softly along the side of the tiny face, down the chest that was covered in wires and counted the toes that were so small they seemed unreal. If he had been determined to find him a good home before he was beyond that now. It was his sole mission.
“He’s small, but he’s got some fight in him,” a voice came from beside him. The same nurse that was so quick to run from Reid. “If you want and you can wait about five minutes you can feed him.”
Luke’s hand abruptly retracted from the incubator and he backed up slightly. “I don’t think I’m the one who should be doing that. I’m just… his…”
“You’re his foster parent,” she smiled. “It’s on the paper work. Besides, it’s better for premies to have human contact. We have volunteers and nurses but maybe you’ll be what’s best for him.”
He’d been assigned as foster care so that he could speak on his behalf for adoption agencies. He hadn’t meant for it to be anything more than that, but … he didn’t quite want to leave just yet. He nodded, soft and unsure.
“Good,” she smiled. Luke looked down at her nametag. Jamie Grant RN. “Now we have to just let the ear drops settle and set up his bottle. Wanna help?”
Luke should say no, every instinct told him it was a bad idea but instead he shrugged and nodded. “Why not?”
Jamie beamed at him and led Luke to the corner with a mini fridge. “Okay, well then. Let me show you just how to do this. We’ve been trying to bottle-feed him a bit more since he hit 33 weeks. He’s doing well. It’s donated breast milk, which gives him the right amount of immunity.”
“People donate breast milk?” Luke tried to hide the slight cringe of his face. That was… weird.
“Don’t worry, we vet,” she smiled, like that was the problem. She had a small bottle in her hand labeled ‘baby boy Mason’ and was rubbing it back and forth in her hands. A moment later she placed it in a bottle warmer and turned to him. “It’s critical in the first few weeks to give the child as much immunity as possible, as well as human contact. There’s only so much hospital personnel can do, you know?”
He nodded, even if he didn’t entirely get it.
Jamie led him back to a rocking chair beside the bed. “Now sit down and roll up your sleeves.”
“Huh?”
She ignored him, turned to the incubator and started to softly detach a few of the leads. Luke almost bolted upright and jumped out of the chair but found himself stuck. He pushed back his sleeves to the elbow and watched as she gingerly took Rocky out of his bed and wrapped him in a tight blanket.
Was it too tight? Too cold? Why was he making that face? Luke bit back the questions and held shifted when Jamie handed him the blanket and his heart stopped. It was so so very light; it was almost like he was holding nothing at all.
“He’s so tiny,” he breathed, even if he’d said it before. Jamie handed him the warmed bottle and a cloth.
“We’re hoping he can get 3 ounces down. Don’t feel bad if he doesn’t get it, he’s still has some pretty bad reflux.”
He’d remembered feeding Ethan, the way he held him and the way he offered the bottle. But then again it all felt foreign. He lifted the bottle and then frowned and shifted the blanket ever so slightly in his arms. When he put the nipple near Rocky’s mouth the baby pushed his lips out against it. He looked up at Jamie, who was hiding a smile and she leaned over.
“You’ve got it,” she laughed. “He’s still getting used to it, you’re going to have to actually offer it to him.”
He tried again and the tiny mouth wrapped around the bottle like it was second nature. He would have pumped his fist if he were willing to move. He looked back up at Jamie and beamed. “Got it.”
“You’re a natural,” she praised. “Now I hope you don’t have anywhere to go, cause this might be a while.”
*
All in all Luke was in the NICU for two hours. The first hour was trying to get Rocky to just take in as much as he could, taking breaks when the baby mewled. He felt like he won a gold medal when they passed the 3 ounces mark, almost three and a half actually but then as soon as he pulled back it felt like almost all of it came back up.
“It seems like more than it is,” Jamie, who’d come back around every fifteen minutes or so, assured him. “Don’t worry. You did good, really. Sure you aren’t free to do this every afternoon?”
Luke hesitated, hindbrain screaming ‘YES!’ while the more rational part of him screamed ‘HELL NO.’ Instead he told her he had to think about it.
The second hour was spent just seated there, rocking him back and forth while alternating between staring down the monitor and looking down a the tiny form in his hands. He offered out his finger and found that Rocky really was pretty strong for his size, grabbing on and holding. He even braved and shifted the baby to against his chest.
“Heartbeat to heartbeat,” Jamie smiled. “It’ll be comforting, trust me. Even with all those monitors and clothes between you.”
Rocky slept. And slept. And kept sleeping. He made weird snuffling noises against his chest, little palm curled up and pressed into his shoulder. It took all his energy not to stay there for another two hours until he had to be fed again. But he knew better to get attached. He needed to find him a permanent home, one that would treat him the way he needed to be treated.
So he put the baby back in his incubator and watched as Jamie put all the leads back on. Waited while the read outs told him that the baby was still healthy enough.
And he went home.
Where Reid wasn’t, and wouldn’t be for at least another few hours. He sat down at his desk and took the list of agencies and names that he’d compiled and went over it again. He’d put green checks next to the ones that said they’d look into it and crossed out the ones who flat out said no. There were too few checks for his liking.
He should know more places he had connections. In all the years he resented the use of his name and his money he was feeling beyond frustrated that none of it was working. He longed to just pick up the phone and call someone and say, “I am Luciano Grimaldi and you had better listen to what I’m saying.”
It made him equal parts guilty and irritated that it wasn’t possible. Maybe he was his father’s son after all (bad dad he thought and felt like that was a million years ago).
The places that had offered to take the baby… to take Rocky… were non-for profit and all looked like intelligent and sweet individuals ran them and yet it just didn’t settle well. He didn’t want him to be raised in an institution. For him to be treated like a number or to be shuffled between caregivers, the idea made his skin crawl.
He flipped his laptop open and smiled a little at the picture of him and Reid at Chris and Katie’s wedding. Reid had to have been caught off guard by the photographer because he had a genuine smile on his face and was staring at Luke with open affection creasing the corner of his eyes. Luke was staring at the camera with a relaxed half smile.
*
Against his better judgment he showed up the next day and waited outside the door guiltily before he knew Reid wasn’t going to be there. He suited himself up, cleaned his skin like his life (or more importantly someone else’s) depended on it. He even donned the ridiculous hair net that most people seemed to conveniently forget.
Rocky had switched to the other side and Luke felt nervously aware of what Reid had ranted about the day before. When Jamie came bubbling up to him, cheerfully announcing that he was just in time, he pointed towards the baby’s position and frowned.
“Isn’t that bad for his ear?”
Jamie laughed, harder than he thought was actually necessary. “You really are married to Dr. Oliver, aren’t you?”
“We aren’t married.”
“Whatever,” she rolled her eyes. “He has to spend time on both sides, we don’t want him to risk other infections. He’s had his eardrops, it’s looking like it’s clearing up. Dr. Oliver has been watching him like a hawk which is making his actual doctor and thus my life a living hell, but we get it.”
Luke’s eyes were transfixed on the sleeping baby; he barely caught the last sentence at all. “You get what?”
“They say doctors are the worst patients, but doctor’s family members? Are a hundred times worse.”
She pressed the already warmed bottle into his hands and he was so dumb struck he fell back into the chair without protest. They assumed that the baby was theirs? That they were keeping him? He’d thought about, of course, but never thought anyone would think it was a feasible idea.
Rocky’s blanket felt warmer than usual, like it was just out of the dryer.
“Has he been cold?” Luke bit his lower lip. “Is everything going okay?”
“Fine,” she smiled. “He’s fine. Just got the luck of the draw. Laundry just came in. Now, I’ve got four other babies and only two hands, press the red button if you need any help, got me?”
He nodded and she walked away. He looked at the bottle and then down at Rocky, remembering the fact that he fought it at first the day before.
“Okay, Rocks,” he whispered. “You’re going to have to trust me when I say this is the best thing for you, okay? Trust me.”
When Rocky took the bottle without even flinching and began to take hungrily from it Luke almost danced in his seat. He looked around the room to see if anyone else had caught that and tried his best not to be disappointed when he saw that no one did.
*
Then it became a thing.
Usually afternoons, sometimes evenings when Reid was working, Luke would show up and sit there. Feed Rocky, talk to him, sometimes just hold his hand and rub the tiny knuckles. It was a reminder, he told himself, of what he was fighting for. Which was a life for a little boy who deserved it.
It became his mission, every day he dedicated an hour to just trying to find the right place to have him sent but nothing seemed to work. Agencies said they could find families, but they’d be closed adoptions and that made Luke’s stomach hurt. Who know what kind of families he could end up with? State homes had ratios that made the hospital seem over staffed and he wasn’t going to let that happen to Rocky. He just wasn’t.
It was a ticking clock. Every day he got stronger and was going towards the point of no return. Where he had to make a decision on what was best for him, and everyday he became more and more sure of what he thought that should be. Or, at very least, his heart was sure what it should be, his brain was just a little messed up about it.
And he wasn’t the scariest part of the equation.
He knew for a fact that Reid still went into the nursery and visited Rocky, knew that the nurses had to sometimes kick him out during medical procedures because Reid would try to do them himself. Deep down Luke also knew that Reid wanted what was best for the baby as well. Even if he never talked about Rocky or visiting him or any of that.
He brought it up after dinner, hoping the glass of wine and the full stomach would help. He was wrong.
“We can’t keep him,” Reid wouldn’t look at Luke.
Luke flailed his hands. “And why not? WHY? We are two adults. We have a house without a mortgage. Good steady jobs. Excellent healthcare available. We love him. What part of that speaks to us not being fit for this?”
“Don’t make me list all the reasons this is a bad idea, Luke.”
“You’re scared!” he bellowed. “That’s the only real reason. You’re scared. And I get that. Hell, I’m scared too. But just because something is scary doesn’t make it wrong. You promised Kara you would make sure nothing bad happened to her child. Think of this as keeping your promise.”
And yeah, it was probably a low blow to bring Kara into the equation. Luke could tell from the look on Reid’s face and the way he all be recoiled like he’d been punched. But it was true. It was the best thing for Rocky, it was the best thing for them both. They hadn’t ever talked about kids, but a family was something he’d always wanted. Maybe it wasn’t the best circumstances to start one but what part of their relationship had started in a normal way?
Reid was gaping at him like a fish, a pretty pissed off fish. “And how, in your mythical land of delusion, would we go about adopting him? Have your grandmother make a few calls, cut through the red tape with a pair of golden scissors?”
“I’m already his foster parent,” Luke said, teeth clenched but trying his best not to rise to the bait. “I became so when they started looking for adoption options. I’m sure that even without throwing around money the process would work out.”
“Two gay men, who aren’t married, adopting a baby. Who, by the way, is only an orphan because of the men killed his mother. Only in the land of the entitled does that sound possible.”
Luke stepped towards Reid and Reid took a giant step back. “You didn’t kill his mother. And don’t worry, I’m acutely aware how unmarried we are. But maybe that’s a good thing. I can adopt him and you can go on with this pity party you are insisting on throwing yourself.”
His keys were in his pocket and he was closest to the door, he didn’t grab his jacket he just moved. He slammed the door behind him, the loud noise making him feel mildly better.
He thought about going to the farm, or to his grandmother’s but really he didn’t want to go to either. He wasn’t going to sleep. In the end he needed to feel close to somebody, to family but not to the prying ears of his mother or grandmother. Good intentions or not they didn’t know when to quit.
Besides all that there was only one place he felt like he needed to be. It was absurd, not that he would give Reid the satisfaction of hearing that come out of his mouth, but all he wanted was to go back to the NICU. He couldn’t help but picture the small butterfly needle looking huge on his inner thigh.
It made his stomach drop to his knees and the bottom of his feet hit the pedal into the floor. He just… He needed to know that he was safe. No matter what decisions were made in the next few weeks he felt like he had to be there for Rock… for the baby. It was his job. Not really a job, a responsibility to care of this innocent child until it was put in better hands. He took his job quite seriously.
“Mr. Snyder, “ Nick, the night nurse smiled at him and flicked a quick look at the time. “Kind of late, don’t you think?”
Luke stared through the small pane of glass that allowed him to watch the rise and fall of Rocky’s chest and nodded. “Was having trouble sleeping. I won’t bother him, I just… wanted to make sure he was okay.”
“He’s doing well,” Nick assured him. “And actually, if you wait about ten minutes you can feed him.”
He should say no, he shouldn’t get even more attached when he knew that he wasn’t going anywhere but he nodded and went into the room to get cleaned up. It was second nature to him after the two weeks and countless times he’d done it and the routine was actually kind of soothing. He stepped into the booties and pressed the button to let himself in.
Rocky’s eyes were wide open, big and brown and Luke realized it was the first time he’d seen them for more than a split second. There were less wires on him as well, just a few on his chest one of which he recognized as the heart monitor. He leaned down.
“What are you doing up this late?” he asked and practically jumped when the eyes reacted to his voice. “Hey, he-hey you.”
“He’s been alert a lot more often,” Nick came up behind him with a bottle in his hand. “And today he officially joined the six pound club.”
Luke was making a valiant effort not to cry, even if he couldn’t place why he was so emotional about it. “That’s good.”
“Good? He’s almost double his birth weight. And breathing mostly on his own. He’s a real fighter, this one.”
Luke laughed at the joke that Nick hadn’t even meant to make. He stumbled back into the rocking chair as Nick took off the leads and pressed a few buttons. He stared down, Rocky’s eyes still open and seemingly attached to looking at him. “Hey, you hungry little man?”
“I swear he eats better with you,” Nick pointed out. “Give it a few more of your feedings and he’ll be ready to go home.”
Rocky took the bottle eagerly and Luke just froze. Nick was already halfway across the room but his words stayed behind. ‘Ready to go home.’ There wasn’t a home for him to be ready to go to. There was nowhere. A state run orphanage with certified healthcare professionals. He was thankful no one was around when a few rogue tears made their way down his face.
He knew that even if he didn’t want to admit it, Reid had logical reasons to not keep him. They were no more ready to be parents than either was ready to work on Broadway. It wasn’t like getting a puppy, it was starting a family and no matter how much he wanted it he knew that he wanted what he had with Reid.
Besides which Rocky deserved two parents who wanted him. Luke shifted his face to rub away the tear residue onto his shoulder, pulling back just enough that Rocky let out a noise of disapproval.
“Sorry Rocks,” he gave a watery laugh.
“Never come between a man and his food,” a low voice brought Luke’s attention away from the baby and he nearly dropped the bottle.
“Reid?”
Reid stood, looking ridiculous in the blue scrub covers and cap, a tight-lipped frown on his face. “I figured I’d find you here.”
“Look, can we not fight right now?” Luke pleaded.
“I don’t want to fight,” Reid’s voice was soft and a second later he was kneeling in front of the rocking chair. “You’re right. I’m scared. And I don’t think this is a good idea.”
Luke closed his eyes. “I know you don’t. And you’re probably right.”
Knowing something was true and actually hearing it said out loud were two different ball games. His eyes slid open and a few more tears escaped, he looked down at where Rocky was still drinking but had his eyes closed and sighed.
“We can’t name him Rocky.”
Luke jerked up again. “We … what?”
Reid licked his lips and averted his eyes. (Science Nerd Guy Luke thought, and would have laughed but … yeah.) “Look, I’m not kidding, I think this is a terrible idea. I’m going to screw up a lot and I’m not used to doing things without knowing the outcome. But I can’t see him going home with someone else, because he’s ours.
“And maybe he’s been ours since that first day you came in here and maybe I’ve been stupid to fight it because I know you’re usually going to fight for what you think is right. But I was-I AM scared. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I don’t like it. But I do know that my son is not going to be named after a bad Sylvester Stallone movie.”
For a moment Luke had really no words in his head beyond, ‘ours and ‘son’. He opened and shut his mouth more than once and then he said the first thing that came to his mind. “He hit six pounds and doesn’t need oxygen all the time.”
“Six pounds, already?” Reid’s face broke into a huge smile and he brushed a hand along the top of the baby’s head. “That means he’d be released soon.”
“To come home,” Luke beamed and carefully leaned the little distance it took to give kiss Reid. “Are you… are you sure?”
Reid shook his head. “Not even a little bit. But Katie assures me that’s how most parents feel.”
“You called Katie? What about Jacob and Malcolm?”
Reid half smiled. “Doogie Hughes handled that.”
“You know he can exact his revenge now, right?”
Reid put a finger out and even in his sleep Rocky opened up a palm and grabbed onto it. If Luke guessed right, Reid didn’t seem to care at that moment.
“We could name him Reid Jr,” Reid gave a half-cocked smile. “It sounds good with ‘Dr.’ in front of it.”
Luke rolled his eyes, “Name first, then we can work on the profession… What about Apollo?”
Reid let out a loud fake sigh, rubbing a thumb along the baby’s cheek. “The worst part is that your dad really thinks he’s funny.”
He tried not to let his chest swell at the word ‘dad’ and instead tried for serious. “What about Mason?”
“What about Riley?” Reid tried back.
Luke opened his mouth to retort but… well. He actually liked that name. “Riley?”
“Mason is just a little morbid, don’t you think?”
“Tell me you’ve never dated a Riley.”
Reid glared at him.
“It’s a valid question!” Luke laughed, but then looked down and smiled. “I like it. Riley Oliver Snyder.”
Reid just beamed back.
(In years to come, much to Reid’s annoyance, Rocky stuck as a nickname. Thankfully though, only from Luke.)
PS. this started as a piece about Reid but ended up being a lot more about Luke. A happy snippet is coming soon, sorry it was so full of angst.