Feeling

[cielamara]

Is it odd that one of the things that tortured me the most for most of my life was, even at its darkest, one of the things I loved most about myself? My ability to swing from dizzy, exuberant heights to slicing, staggering depths of sadness was always a source of magic for me. If I channeled my feelings, the sheer oceanic force of them, I could DO

Comments

[thelittlebudgie]

Man. You really are my American should've-been-twin. I know exactly what you mean.

I think one of my favourite feelings has to be how, after a day of swimming somewhere with a lot of waves, when I lie still I can still feel the push and pull of the waves in my veins. Lovely.

[cielamara]

I love that feeling. I'm pretty sure I've written about it somewhere in times past. I'm a little obsessed with it. I wish I could stay in the ocean long enough to maintain that feeling for days on end, long after I've left it.

[leovoti]

Have you ever had blood work done? Maybe you have a thyroid condition. Those sound like the symptoms. IDK. It runs in my family, so I know about it. As does hypomania, which I have, but my aunt has hypothyroid, and they actually have a lot of parallels.

I'm glad you can feel again! That broken feeling is so sad. ._.

[cielamara]

I've had bloodwork done, back when my uterus was first making my life hell. Everything came back normal.

[leovoti]

That's really good!! Er, is everything with your uterus ok?

[cielamara]

Well, funny you should mention that. Right now it's hurting like a bitch. But for the most part...I still have issues, but at least it doesn't HURT like it used to.

[leovoti]

and heeeeeey, *looks at song* my name is Claire!!

[cielamara]

It's a fabulous song. It was written for some friends of the band whose daughter died when she was just a few days old.

First verse and chorus:
I was no more three days old
too young to speak too young to count my toes
I think of fields where I might run
this moral twilight I've been plucked from

Up here we have no goals
You tear your hearts you claw your souls
I wonder at this life that passed me by
But still I smile

Although I'm not with you down there
I sit alone up here and stare
It's me my name is Claire
Claire in heaven...

[leovoti]

awh. ;_; ♥~

I looked it up on youtube, it's good!
It prompted me to search for other songs with the title 'Claire'. It was interesting. ≥_≥

[cielamara]

Capercaillie is pretty amazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIK8ChDeWAw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxpG5jD2QP0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4dkODWct7Y (This one KILLS ME, it's a gorgeous song)

[sensorium]

*hug* I love reading posts like this, you are such an amazing writer. And I know what you mean--that's one of the reasons that meds scare me. Anti-anxiety meds seem to be helping, but I'm scared of any meds that will fix my depression or bipolar or whatever it is for this vary reason. I feel like I'd lose something important about myself.

[cielamara]

*hug* Awww, thank you. :)

The thing about meds is this: there is very likely a working combination out there for you. I used to believe, as I said, that there had to be a trade-off. I no longer believe that. I feel pretty freaking awesome these days, when, y'know, I make myself go to bed at an appropriate time and eat well. :)

I read a book while at zaianya's this weekend: The Food-Mood Solution. It had some really amazing info in it. You might take a look at it, and consider any vitamin/mineral deficiencies that need addressing--I have a few of my own, and am probably going to be hitting zaianya up for some mineral supplements at a good price from the pharmacy where she works.

[loototherah]

You write beautifully. I love when you have posts like this. :)

[cielamara]

Thank you. :) I seem to write best when I'm half-awake and it's late at night.