Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
Vericus' author's note: Yeah...cazcatharsis and I got drunk and wrote TF fanfic. It was mostly our own stories, except for this. Because it occurred to us that her main character + mine = fun. Only lightly editted to make some of the drunken line-of-thought changes make sense (and to take out a reference to Mikaela coming in the beginning, because we forgot all about her).
Cazcatharsis' author's note: I AM CHIEF! WANT BIG FIRE!
Title: Guess Who's Coming To Dinner
Authors: vericus and cazcatharsis
Rating: PG-13? Lots of drinking and cursing involved
Warning: Written while drunk. Many references to bot/human sex. May cause mental or physical trauma.
Setting: 2007movieverse
Characters: OCs Alex, Beth, and Malena! Oh, Jazz and OP make a small appearance.
Summary: Malena meets a kindred spirit. Alex tries not to go insane.
Notes: AU combination of 'Sparks' and 'Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration'. You have to have read both for this to make any kind of sense.
---
"So...what's with the extra plate?" Alex asked warily as she tromped downstairs to find Beth setting the table with one too many plates for just the two of them.
"Oh, apparently Mikaela's sister is coming tonight. Mikaela figured we could 'handle' her now, whatever that means." Beth said.
"Younger or older?" Alex asked, hoping for older. She didn't do too good with kids - Ironhide did better with kids than she did, in fact.
"Older. Apparently she and Jazz get along famously." Beth said, smirking at Alex in a way that made clear just what she meant by 'get along famously'.
"Gah! That isn't even possibly, Beth!" Alex said with a grimace.
"So you say." Beth replied, still smirking. "But apparently she's got a mouth on her, so even if you squick out at talking about the Bots, you should find other things to talk about."
"Great." Alex said, already wary. This should be an...interesting night.
---
Malena left Jazz's interior with one final stroke of the gearshift and smarmy grin, hitched her pants up and tromped to Beth's front door. Jazz just wolf-whistled and pulled away, and just as she turned and gave him the finger, the front door opened.
"Uhhh, hi?"
Malena spun and faced an older woman, looking much as Mikaela described Optimus' charge to be, grinned, and asked, "Oh! Are you the one who's into kinky robot sex with Prime?"
"BETH!!"
---
Beth was the perfect hostess, though at the moment lacking in booze, she was very well supplied with food, and a fancy table setting too! Thank whoever Malena remembered which fork was which...
...And she couldn't help but notice Alex was using the shrimp fork for a coffee spoon, and felt instantly better.
"So, where is his royal highness of hot thighs tonight anyways?" Alex choked and Beth spewed her water laughing.
"Hot thighs?"
"What? He's got nice legs for an alien." Beth paused thoughtfully, then nodded.
"You know, you're right. I never really noticed before because I was too focused on his voice." she said.
"I could see that." Malena replied. "He has a very sexy voice."
"Mmm, yes, very delectable. Makes listening to his speeches extremely pleasant." Beth said with a grin.
"GAAAAH!" Alex exclaimed suddenly. "Would you stop talking about him like that?! He's not even single, goddammit!" Malena looked at the older woman in surprise, then gave Beth a curious look.
"What's her problem?" she asked.
"Apparently she sees Optimus as the older brother she never had." Beth said innocently. After a pause, she added, "Who she sleeps in whenever she's on the road." Alex glared at her sister.
"He has a bed in the back and it's cheaper than a hotel. Plus he can drive to help me keep on schedule if need be." Alex growled.
"And what does his hologram do the rest of the time?" Malena asked. "Sit there and look pretty?" Alex twitched.
"He turns it off as soon as I can take over." she said. "Besides, it's a hologram. It's not solid."
"Is that what he told you?" Malena asked with an evil grin, and Beth instantly looked curious. Alex tried not to go pale as she picked up what her sister was thinking.
"NO."
Beth's curiosity was piqued. "They're not?" A grin worthy of Decepticon-like evilness bloomed on her face, and Alex immediately took advantage.
"Why, you and 'Cliffy' want to test out just how 'solid' it is?"
Beth made a face...then it went blank as more possibilities flitted through her mind.
Suddenly she stood and abruptly left the room, leaving Alex smirking and Malena confused...until Beth came back holding the biggest bottle of vodka Alex had ever seen.
"Hell..." Malena started.
"No." Alex finished.
"Hell yes, if we're going to be talking kinky hologram sex I want to be boozed up first."
"I don't want to talk about their holos. I want a pleasant dinner." Alex protested, glaring daggers at her sister. Malena just glanced between them both, vastly entertained and with a shit-eating grin as big as Texas.
"Why did I agree to this?" Alex asked, looking heavenward. "How on earth did I possibly think this could be a good idea?"
"You didn't. Mikaela did, and you just had to suck it up and deal." Beth said cheerfully as she began mixing three very large screwdrivers.
"Oh, right. And my cursed sense of family duty made me stay despite an impending feeling of doom." Alex muttered.
"You sure that wasn't just an urge to get back to Prime?" Malena asked with a grin.
"You know, if you're going to make lewd suggestions about him, you should call him Optimus." Beth said as she handed each of them their drinks.
"Uh, no." Malena replied. "He's either Prime or Hot Legs to me, and I'm not drunk enough to call him 'Hot Legs' yet."
"We'll have to fix that, then." Beth said, motioning to Malena's massive screwdriver. Both of them paused, though, when the sound of someone gulping brought their attention to Alex in time to see her downing the last of her drink. She all-but-slammed the empty glass down when she was done, and gave both of them a calm look.
"What?" she asked.
Beth wordlessly poured her big sister another big drink and Malena clapped. "Now there's the bad-ass trucker lady I keep hearin' about!"
"I'm only doing this cuz I know I'm going to need the high..."
Beth started chugging straight out of the bottle until Malena started whining. After she had her fill, Alex poured a few shots.
"SO. Hot Legs. Bow chicka bow wow?" Beth choked on her latest chugging and Alex mourned quite loudly the wasted vodka.
"Careful with that stuff! It's all that's going to keep me sane tonight!" Alex said, grabbing the bottle from her sister and glaring as she clutched it close. Malena snorted.
"How can you have spent so much time around Hot Legs and not noticed stuff like this?" she asked.
"Is Mikaela hot?" Alex shot back in reply.
"If you're into chicks, Mouse would probably be pretty fine, yeah." Malena replied with a shrug. Alex gaped, then groaned and buried her head in her arms, still clutching the vodka bottle close.
"Mouse?" Beth asked, arching an eyebrow. "As in Mickey?"
"Duh."
After they finally pried the vodka bottle away from Alex and finished it, they rooted around in the cupboards and found some rum. Alex once again facepalmed as her sister and the weirdo both "YARR"ed and chugged their drinks.
"So you and Cliffy haven't done the hibbidy jibbidy? What the fuck, woman!"
"I didn't know his holo could be solid!" Alex sat and stared into her drink, wishing some force would just dunk her in and let her drown.
Malena put up a fist and a finger popped up. "First off...duh." Another finger. "Secondly, you can fuck around with em in bot mode...why do you think most of em are standards?"
Alex paled. Optimus had alot of gearsticks. And she was never going to touch one ever again.
"Lexi?" Beth asked with mild concern.
"I'm letting him drive. From now on, I'm letting him drive." Alex whimpered. Malena cackled. Beth snickered. And Alex was sure by the time Jazz came, she would be absolutely, certifiably, INSANE.
---
As Optimus approached Beth and Alex's home, with Jazz right behind him, he was momentarily concerned by the raised voices coming from within, until he heard the howls of laughter following.
"Sounds like they're gettin' along." Jazz commented cheerfully.
"Indeed." Optimus replied, simply watching as Jazz activated his hologram and went to knock on the door. It didn't take long for one of the girls to answer the door, and Jazz stepped inside only to be bowled over by Malena. As Jazz recovered, Malena staggered to her feet and pointed to someone inside the house and declared quite clearly,
"SEE?! I told you! They're solid!"
"Bow chicka bow wow!"
- END -
Cazcatharsis' author's note: I AM CHIEF! WANT BIG FIRE!
Title: Guess Who's Coming To Dinner
Authors: vericus and cazcatharsis
Rating: PG-13? Lots of drinking and cursing involved
Warning: Written while drunk. Many references to bot/human sex. May cause mental or physical trauma.
Setting: 2007movieverse
Characters: OCs Alex, Beth, and Malena! Oh, Jazz and OP make a small appearance.
Summary: Malena meets a kindred spirit. Alex tries not to go insane.
Notes: AU combination of 'Sparks' and 'Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration'. You have to have read both for this to make any kind of sense.
---
"So...what's with the extra plate?" Alex asked warily as she tromped downstairs to find Beth setting the table with one too many plates for just the two of them.
"Oh, apparently Mikaela's sister is coming tonight. Mikaela figured we could 'handle' her now, whatever that means." Beth said.
"Younger or older?" Alex asked, hoping for older. She didn't do too good with kids - Ironhide did better with kids than she did, in fact.
"Older. Apparently she and Jazz get along famously." Beth said, smirking at Alex in a way that made clear just what she meant by 'get along famously'.
"Gah! That isn't even possibly, Beth!" Alex said with a grimace.
"So you say." Beth replied, still smirking. "But apparently she's got a mouth on her, so even if you squick out at talking about the Bots, you should find other things to talk about."
"Great." Alex said, already wary. This should be an...interesting night.
---
Malena left Jazz's interior with one final stroke of the gearshift and smarmy grin, hitched her pants up and tromped to Beth's front door. Jazz just wolf-whistled and pulled away, and just as she turned and gave him the finger, the front door opened.
"Uhhh, hi?"
Malena spun and faced an older woman, looking much as Mikaela described Optimus' charge to be, grinned, and asked, "Oh! Are you the one who's into kinky robot sex with Prime?"
"BETH!!"
---
Beth was the perfect hostess, though at the moment lacking in booze, she was very well supplied with food, and a fancy table setting too! Thank whoever Malena remembered which fork was which...
...And she couldn't help but notice Alex was using the shrimp fork for a coffee spoon, and felt instantly better.
"So, where is his royal highness of hot thighs tonight anyways?" Alex choked and Beth spewed her water laughing.
"Hot thighs?"
"What? He's got nice legs for an alien." Beth paused thoughtfully, then nodded.
"You know, you're right. I never really noticed before because I was too focused on his voice." she said.
"I could see that." Malena replied. "He has a very sexy voice."
"Mmm, yes, very delectable. Makes listening to his speeches extremely pleasant." Beth said with a grin.
"GAAAAH!" Alex exclaimed suddenly. "Would you stop talking about him like that?! He's not even single, goddammit!" Malena looked at the older woman in surprise, then gave Beth a curious look.
"What's her problem?" she asked.
"Apparently she sees Optimus as the older brother she never had." Beth said innocently. After a pause, she added, "Who she sleeps in whenever she's on the road." Alex glared at her sister.
"He has a bed in the back and it's cheaper than a hotel. Plus he can drive to help me keep on schedule if need be." Alex growled.
"And what does his hologram do the rest of the time?" Malena asked. "Sit there and look pretty?" Alex twitched.
"He turns it off as soon as I can take over." she said. "Besides, it's a hologram. It's not solid."
"Is that what he told you?" Malena asked with an evil grin, and Beth instantly looked curious. Alex tried not to go pale as she picked up what her sister was thinking.
"NO."
Beth's curiosity was piqued. "They're not?" A grin worthy of Decepticon-like evilness bloomed on her face, and Alex immediately took advantage.
"Why, you and 'Cliffy' want to test out just how 'solid' it is?"
Beth made a face...then it went blank as more possibilities flitted through her mind.
Suddenly she stood and abruptly left the room, leaving Alex smirking and Malena confused...until Beth came back holding the biggest bottle of vodka Alex had ever seen.
"Hell..." Malena started.
"No." Alex finished.
"Hell yes, if we're going to be talking kinky hologram sex I want to be boozed up first."
"I don't want to talk about their holos. I want a pleasant dinner." Alex protested, glaring daggers at her sister. Malena just glanced between them both, vastly entertained and with a shit-eating grin as big as Texas.
"Why did I agree to this?" Alex asked, looking heavenward. "How on earth did I possibly think this could be a good idea?"
"You didn't. Mikaela did, and you just had to suck it up and deal." Beth said cheerfully as she began mixing three very large screwdrivers.
"Oh, right. And my cursed sense of family duty made me stay despite an impending feeling of doom." Alex muttered.
"You sure that wasn't just an urge to get back to Prime?" Malena asked with a grin.
"You know, if you're going to make lewd suggestions about him, you should call him Optimus." Beth said as she handed each of them their drinks.
"Uh, no." Malena replied. "He's either Prime or Hot Legs to me, and I'm not drunk enough to call him 'Hot Legs' yet."
"We'll have to fix that, then." Beth said, motioning to Malena's massive screwdriver. Both of them paused, though, when the sound of someone gulping brought their attention to Alex in time to see her downing the last of her drink. She all-but-slammed the empty glass down when she was done, and gave both of them a calm look.
"What?" she asked.
Beth wordlessly poured her big sister another big drink and Malena clapped. "Now there's the bad-ass trucker lady I keep hearin' about!"
"I'm only doing this cuz I know I'm going to need the high..."
Beth started chugging straight out of the bottle until Malena started whining. After she had her fill, Alex poured a few shots.
"SO. Hot Legs. Bow chicka bow wow?" Beth choked on her latest chugging and Alex mourned quite loudly the wasted vodka.
"Careful with that stuff! It's all that's going to keep me sane tonight!" Alex said, grabbing the bottle from her sister and glaring as she clutched it close. Malena snorted.
"How can you have spent so much time around Hot Legs and not noticed stuff like this?" she asked.
"Is Mikaela hot?" Alex shot back in reply.
"If you're into chicks, Mouse would probably be pretty fine, yeah." Malena replied with a shrug. Alex gaped, then groaned and buried her head in her arms, still clutching the vodka bottle close.
"Mouse?" Beth asked, arching an eyebrow. "As in Mickey?"
"Duh."
After they finally pried the vodka bottle away from Alex and finished it, they rooted around in the cupboards and found some rum. Alex once again facepalmed as her sister and the weirdo both "YARR"ed and chugged their drinks.
"So you and Cliffy haven't done the hibbidy jibbidy? What the fuck, woman!"
"I didn't know his holo could be solid!" Alex sat and stared into her drink, wishing some force would just dunk her in and let her drown.
Malena put up a fist and a finger popped up. "First off...duh." Another finger. "Secondly, you can fuck around with em in bot mode...why do you think most of em are standards?"
Alex paled. Optimus had alot of gearsticks. And she was never going to touch one ever again.
"Lexi?" Beth asked with mild concern.
"I'm letting him drive. From now on, I'm letting him drive." Alex whimpered. Malena cackled. Beth snickered. And Alex was sure by the time Jazz came, she would be absolutely, certifiably, INSANE.
---
As Optimus approached Beth and Alex's home, with Jazz right behind him, he was momentarily concerned by the raised voices coming from within, until he heard the howls of laughter following.
"Sounds like they're gettin' along." Jazz commented cheerfully.
"Indeed." Optimus replied, simply watching as Jazz activated his hologram and went to knock on the door. It didn't take long for one of the girls to answer the door, and Jazz stepped inside only to be bowled over by Malena. As Jazz recovered, Malena staggered to her feet and pointed to someone inside the house and declared quite clearly,
"SEE?! I told you! They're solid!"
"Bow chicka bow wow!"
- END -