back to cali
Well, I'm leaving CO and going back to cali in a few. My Denver trip was... alright. More drama with Rebekah, some fun nights with the guys drinking, met some cool girls - who don't like boys, all in all I'd call it mediocre. I don't think this place will be the same until I can come home without the thought and shadow of going back hanging over my head. I guess it sort of treats everyone this way, one really has to put their 'home' or 'life' on hold for 4 years if they plan on enlisting. I mean, sure, this is still life, and a much different one but it's not the same and the only way to make it the same is to create a life for myself out there. Meaning girlfriend, friends, normal routines, just the whole nine yards and I really don't see that happening for me. Things will be a lot more normal after I get back cause i'll get a computer and internet, and have my car, and some money, and more friends and all... but even then it's not really like living out of the military. Iraq still seems so far away. People keep telling me 'thank you' or 'you're doing something great' or something along those lines, and I guess it hasn't hit me yet. Whenever I hear that sort of thing I think 'whatever dude, this is just a freakin job.' I don't view myself as some sort of hero or anyone great.
I hope the 12-14 hour drive will miraculously get my head back in line. I don't mean back into being a Marine either (that will be accomplished by spending a few days on base). I really think that I'm depressed or some bull shit like that. I was talking with Katrina about this, some people deal with being away by trying to end or ice all their relationships back home - others deal with it by finding something they can hold on to while they're gone. Me, I'm one of the latters. I really am a happier person when I have someone to hold on to while I'm gone. school was so easy because I had Bekah the entire time, and the last few months weren't too bad because I had my Denver trip to look foward to... Now I don't know what to look foward to. Maybe I should try and stop all that and be one of the former individuals explained above. I would like to be able to be one of those, but I really don't think I could be. Some would say "well phil, why don't you hold on to your family". I love my family and all, but that doesn't do it for me, at all. I also told Katrina that I am ready to find a girl, settle down, and get married. She was shocked and appauled. I dunno, I'm tired of living from day to day, tired of living a transient lifestyle. I want to stop and be a normal, boring person who drives the daily commute to work, works 9-5, gets 2 weeks of vacation, and comes home to a woman who loves me and whom I love. That sounds so boring, i know, but that's really what I want. That's not to say I don't want to have fun anymore, just a different kind of fun.
I just wish my mind would shut the fuck up. If I could find the button to turn it off for the 8 months I'd be the happiest person alive.
love
phil
I hope the 12-14 hour drive will miraculously get my head back in line. I don't mean back into being a Marine either (that will be accomplished by spending a few days on base). I really think that I'm depressed or some bull shit like that. I was talking with Katrina about this, some people deal with being away by trying to end or ice all their relationships back home - others deal with it by finding something they can hold on to while they're gone. Me, I'm one of the latters. I really am a happier person when I have someone to hold on to while I'm gone. school was so easy because I had Bekah the entire time, and the last few months weren't too bad because I had my Denver trip to look foward to... Now I don't know what to look foward to. Maybe I should try and stop all that and be one of the former individuals explained above. I would like to be able to be one of those, but I really don't think I could be. Some would say "well phil, why don't you hold on to your family". I love my family and all, but that doesn't do it for me, at all. I also told Katrina that I am ready to find a girl, settle down, and get married. She was shocked and appauled. I dunno, I'm tired of living from day to day, tired of living a transient lifestyle. I want to stop and be a normal, boring person who drives the daily commute to work, works 9-5, gets 2 weeks of vacation, and comes home to a woman who loves me and whom I love. That sounds so boring, i know, but that's really what I want. That's not to say I don't want to have fun anymore, just a different kind of fun.
I just wish my mind would shut the fuck up. If I could find the button to turn it off for the 8 months I'd be the happiest person alive.
love
phil