Meditations on the Ancestors

[chronarchy]

As I was reading the other day, I began to think about our ancestors as a long cycle of cosmic recreation, the microcosm becoming the macrocosm becoming the microcosm, and on and on. Stone becoming bone becoming stone becoming bone.

I even wrote a little preliminary chant (I'm showing my age):
"Bone to stone, stone to bone

Comments

[dragynphyre]

Reading it aloud (as all good poetry should be), I felt that it's got a rhythm all its own, almost waltz-y. Kinda goes along with your comments about living in 3/4 time a while back. Except for the last line, which is a little jarring when you come to it, so may need some revision.

What might be really neat would be if you could get the end to wrap back around to the beginning so that it could be done as a continuous chant or as a round if you were to come up with a melody.

[chronarchy]

*nods* I think you're right. I think I'd want to carry it a while longer if I were going to use it. We'll see.

[romandruid]

This is a really sweet little poem! I think it's the regularity of meter that holds most of its appeal, and as dragynphyre already mentioned, you might try regularizing it a bit more. Each line is balanced with contrasts of stressed/unstressed/stressed syllables until you get to the last one. Now this change-up may well be what you intended, but I agree that because of the cyclic nature of the subject, a rounder shape might be in order. Maybe a refrain of sorts? Something that begins the poem and something that ends it?

The only other thing I might suggest is maybe to look for more opportunities for assonance. The long o in "bone to stone" has a very nice bell-tolling assonance, and the short e sound in "never end" and the short a in "always change." Or you could abandon the assonance at that point and look for alliterative opportunities. :)

Have fun, whatever you do, and please be sure to post what you wind up with in the end!

[chronarchy]

I'd like something more doughnut-y, myself. Rounder.

Ooh, I totally need doughnuts!

That said, I think I might work more on this. It was *really* a one-off thing, just sort of me trying to talk about something to someone, and this just . . . happened. Now, as I look at it, I think I need to make something else happen with it to make it really a good piece.

Damnit, and I didn't want to grow up and become a mummified Stevie Nicks before I turned 40, like certain Ardbards. . .

Then again, Halloween is just around the corner, and I hear nothing scares the young'uns like an old bat who dyes her roots brown telling you that she's disappointed in your chants.

Did I just write that?

Maybe I haven't grown up, after all. :)

[chronarchy]

I think something can be worked out :) I'll think on that, and maybe put my composition training to some work.

[dragynphyre]

Well, honestly, what did you expect from 1 pseudo English teacher, and 1 real English teacher? :)