A Fool’s Memoir
A Fool’s Memoir
Pg; angst; 2106w
He's not a romantic love fool. He's practical.
A/N. unbetaed. It's kinda weird hahaha, and i hab no confidence but my eternal love for Khunyoung
=] + ^o^ ----> <3
They say we don't get to choose who we fall in love with.
They say that love chooses us.
Like a script written conspired by fate, or destiny, handed to men/mortals/humans/ him, to act out on this stage called life and he,--damn his stars, was the chosen actor to play the role of a love fool that have no say of who or how or why?
Like a crazy game played by the gods, Wooyoung wonders under the scattering colorful lights, did they flicked a coin? Or throw a dice or two to determined who should fall for who? Just how did they do it? How do they decide? Who gave them the right?
Did cupid lifts his bow with eyes closed, or blindfolds himself with mischief , --a little curiosity perhaps, just to see what happens when he hit random people? Had he grown tired of predestined couples, the live and love forever pairs, the happily ever after lovers? Was he that bored when he reaches into his cute little quiver, places his cute little love arrow and aims it dead center on Wooyoung's cute little beating heart.
But missed it completely on Nichkhun's.
Wooyoung shuts his eyes closed , ignoring the image appearing almost instantly behind his eyelids as he does so.The ghost of a man that's been haunting his days and nights with a smile so unknowing , eyes so oblivious that was just innocently cruel to his heart. He let music took him over, the pumping beat, the blaring noise, the panting breath of his dance partner pressing close. By the soft curves and perfume,-a women this time, which face and name and gender Wooyoung will soon forget in the next minutes as another will come to take her place wearing the same expression, hazy seductive eyes, sleek gyrating hips, too curious hands looking to score, to strike, to steal maybe? Of his innocence or his wallet Wooyoung couldn't care less of the difference.
He grasps her small waist with one hand, fringe swaying as he throws his head side to side to the beat, hands feet and hips rolling suavely smoothly perfectly. He wasn't dubbed a natural born dancer for nothing. He'll show them. Moving along to the rhythm with the rest of the people on the crammed dance floor that night, dancing and shaking and bumping carelessly. It's loud and dimmed and hot, but not in a sexy sweaty way ( though it was sweat he feels gliding from his forehead to his sideburn down to his neck.) It was suffocating. The loner side in him screams in protest from too many faces, too many hands touching, too many eyes looking. But it’s okay, Wooyoung thinks. It’s okay.
He's half drunk. Eyes lidded heavy. Ears buzzing. Head fuzzy. Heart shattering.
They say the first one who falls loses in love.
They say that it’s better to be the one chased than the one chasing.
Well, Wooyoung doesn't mind being a chasing fool for Nichkhun. Really he doesn't. But he's been chasing and running for one - two - three years and feeling more and more and more of a loser with each passing day while Nichkhun is just right there, smiling and warm and kind and so Wooyoung pushes himself harder, runs a little bit faster , reaches a little bit further, because Nichkhun is just an arms away, a step away. A breath too far.
Always a breath too far.
Each time that pair of eyes looks back at him without really seeing him, without knowing, without realizing. Never noticing. Wooyoung dies a little inside. In his stoic self. An agonizing silence.
Taec pries him away from the dance floor, away from the mesmerizing lights and repetitious noises that Wooyoung lets himself got lost into, the fake nectars he uses to numb his senses. " Stop doing this to yourself , Woo.." Taecyeon yells above the music , and Wooyoung laugh morosely. Defiant.
Defeated.
" Where did you find him this time?" Junho whispers, half concerned half annoyed as he closes the door of their dorm behind the two man that had entered.
" Liquid." Wooyoung hears Taecyeon named the club he drags him out from. " Is Khun hyung home yet?"
" No. He haven't. But I told him that you've found Wooyoung so he and Chansung can stop looking too. They were thinking to go as far as Hongdae to search for Woo. Junsu hyung is on his way home now. "
Wooyoung kept his eyes closed. Pretending he's too drunk to hear, to care. He presses his forehead deeper on Teacyeon's shoulder. Letting the arm around him, the hand on his waist to take all his weight, to keep him from falling. He's tired of being strong. Tired of walking tall.
I've proposed her, he said. We're having the wedding this autumn, he said. It’s amazing isn't it?, he said. Laughing. Buoyant. Happy. While Wooyoung's world topple tumble crumble shatters.
They say a wounded heart is nothing but ashes of memories.
They say it’s the dream ending that hurts rather than the love lost.
But how can it end when "they" haven't even started, how can he lost something that he never had to begin with? And why oh dear God WHY does it hurts just as much ?
Wooyoung pushes his pain to the back of his head. He doesn't have time for self pity. He needs to think think think. Clearly. Staring at the plain ceiling of his room. Clutching the blanket up to his chin like it's a magic shield protecting him from all the heartache the world has given him.
This needs to stop.
He need to move on. There's a lot of other fishes in the sea, and he have an entire ocean to search for. It’s not like he's going to die because of one silly little heartbreak. He's not a romantic love fool. He's practical.
So what if Nichkhun's getting married?
If Nichkhun fails to notice him, he'll find someone who won't.
If Nichkhun doesn't see him, he'll find someone who does.
If Nichkhun won't answer him, he'll find someone who will.
If Nichkhun won't love him, ...
Damn.
A soft knock was heard at his door, Wooyoung shifts and buries his face on a pillow.
" Wooyoungie.. Are you asleep already?" says the voice, hesitant and worried.
The door creaks and light footsteps are heard approaching. Wooyoung felt the side of his bed dipped, like someone was sitting on the edge.
He recognizes that breathing, soft and controlled. He knows the curves of the nose inhaling and exhaling it. Knows the face attached to the nose like it was his own. The small mole that rests a kiss away from the corner of those lips, the one on his chin, and the one above the right brow. That two teasing ones on his left neck just under that sturdy jawline, and the one on his left shoul-
" Wooyoung what is happening?" Nichkhun whispers, this time gently removing the pillow covering Wooyoung's face. " I know you're not really sleeping, aren't you?"
Wooyoung kept silent, eyes securely closed and stubbornly pretends to really have fallen asleep. He's getting good, this pretending stuff. Despite his liking he have had lots of practice of it.
Wooyoung feels warm hand cupping the side of his face, a thumb drawing circles soothingly on his cheek.
" You're in pain. I know it. " Nichkhun says carefully. His voice warm and sweet like honey in summer time. Damn, when did he become such a pathetic poet?
" Why can't you just tell me what's wrong? Is it family stuff? Girls stuff? Did somebody dumped you? Did you dump someone?" Nichkhun prods further.
Wooyoung would've burst out laughing from the irony were the hurt he felt haven't made his mouth bitter and eyes so close to tears. He shifts and turns his back on Nichkhun, facing the wall just in case those stubborn tears decides to fall anyway.
The bed dips again and Wooyoung hopes Nichkhun would just leave. ( Though he secretly wishes Nichkhun would stay, even if it was for a while )
The Thai shifts and shuffles and props himself beside Wooyoung, snuggling inside the cover, spooning him and draping an arm over Wooyoung's waist. Nichkhun's warm breath falling on the back of his neck and Wooyoung's heartbeat scatters about..
" I miss you. You hardly talk to me these days... Do you remember we used to do this almost every night and you would tell me everything?" Nichkhun says against Wooyoung's hair.
No hyung, not everything. Somethings you just have to find out on your own. But you never did.
" I hate feeling like we're drifting apart lately and I miss spending time with you. You're like a brother to me. Yeah I know we are all like brothers here, " Nichkhun chuckles ." but we're different right? You and me? We're special." He paused, then continues, " You're special."
It’s not fair. It just isn't. Wooyoung want to hurt Nichkhun. Want to smack his head for saying those words without knowing what it does to his heart.
" Hyung please, I'm tired and I have a headache, I have schedule in three more hours and I'm not really in the mood for small talks. So please, can you just let me sleep?" He finally answers.
" Then sleep. " Nichkhun replies, a hint of victorious amusement in his voice as he tightens his hug around Wooyoung's waist. THIS. This obliviousness. This magnificent cluelessity. This self assured unknowingness. This...this... Ignorance. Wooyoung fails to repress his irritation this time.
"For crying out loud hyung, when will you ever get it? can't you take a hint? Does everything need to be spelled out in order for you to understand? " Wooyoung sat up angrily and uncovers the blanket.
" You're so clueless you're suffocating me." He says, grabbing a pillow to sleep on the living room couch instead. He hasn't done that for a while now that they all have their own room but he wouldn't mind picking up that old habit, if only Nichkhun would let him. Because Nichkhun is holding the other end of the pillow he's taking." Hyung, let go." Wooyoung irks. Voice filled with enough annoyance to make him sulk the whole week.
" No. Stay here." Nichkhun deadpans, hands clutching his end of the unfortunate pillow " Stay and tell me what this is all about? What hint? What is it that I don't get? Why do I suffocate you?"
" Let go of the pillow hyung. Let it go. Just let me go."
" No, you let go if you want because i won't. Not before you tell me what's going on, not before--." Nichkhun goes high and low about a bunch of things that Wooyoung fails to registers in his head because he just realize something. Something he should have known already. Something he should have done long time ago.
"--and everyone's been worried about you but you keep on being secretive and--, I'm sorry what? did you say something?" Nichkhun asks when he thought he hears Wooyoung mutters something under his breath.
" I said you're right. I should be the one letting go. " Wooyoung inhales, feeling a chunk of weight somehow lifted from his chest.
" What?"
" I'm letting go hyung." He answers. After all this time he finally found an answer. " I won't cling to you any longer. I'm sorry I've been such a hassle for everyone, for you. Please worry about me no more. I will be fine from now on." And the world still turns, the sun still shines after he said that. Wooyoung breathes out.
He nods at Nichkhun, letting go his end of the pillow and with a huff, walks out of his room. Ignoring the dazed confused stare of Nichkhun's eyes probing his back. There's a flicker that ( finally) sparks inside that brown eyes and ignites something else in Nichkhun's mind. He can almost see those wheels spinning inside Nichkhun's head. But whether Nichkhun gets there or not was no longer important for Wooyoung . He’s ignoring everything, because fate’s script sucks, the gods are terrible gamblers and cupid should be demoted from his post.
He’s trying
He’s surviving
And if that means placing a blind spot on a certain Khun hyung from here on out then so be it.
They say we don't get to choose who we fall in love with.
They say that love chooses us.
But he can damn well choose to end it.
Though there's this small part of him, small tiny itsy bitsy easily disregarded (yet stubborn) part that believes he can't, he won't. Because they knew him too well the gods/ fate /destiny/ cupid. Because this love overshadows all the pain hurt sorrow, beautiful addicting sorrow, beautiful addicting Nichkhun. Because he took his role to heart. Because he's been playing too long too far gone to leave and act strong. Because he's Wooyoung . Because it's Nichkhun.
Because it’s Nichkhun.
And Wooyoung's a love fool afterall.
Pg; angst; 2106w
He's not a romantic love fool. He's practical.
A/N. unbetaed. It's kinda weird hahaha, and i hab no confidence but my eternal love for Khunyoung
=] + ^o^ ----> <3
They say we don't get to choose who we fall in love with.
They say that love chooses us.
Like a script written conspired by fate, or destiny, handed to men/mortals/humans/ him, to act out on this stage called life and he,--damn his stars, was the chosen actor to play the role of a love fool that have no say of who or how or why?
Like a crazy game played by the gods, Wooyoung wonders under the scattering colorful lights, did they flicked a coin? Or throw a dice or two to determined who should fall for who? Just how did they do it? How do they decide? Who gave them the right?
Did cupid lifts his bow with eyes closed, or blindfolds himself with mischief , --a little curiosity perhaps, just to see what happens when he hit random people? Had he grown tired of predestined couples, the live and love forever pairs, the happily ever after lovers? Was he that bored when he reaches into his cute little quiver, places his cute little love arrow and aims it dead center on Wooyoung's cute little beating heart.
But missed it completely on Nichkhun's.
Wooyoung shuts his eyes closed , ignoring the image appearing almost instantly behind his eyelids as he does so.The ghost of a man that's been haunting his days and nights with a smile so unknowing , eyes so oblivious that was just innocently cruel to his heart. He let music took him over, the pumping beat, the blaring noise, the panting breath of his dance partner pressing close. By the soft curves and perfume,-a women this time, which face and name and gender Wooyoung will soon forget in the next minutes as another will come to take her place wearing the same expression, hazy seductive eyes, sleek gyrating hips, too curious hands looking to score, to strike, to steal maybe? Of his innocence or his wallet Wooyoung couldn't care less of the difference.
He grasps her small waist with one hand, fringe swaying as he throws his head side to side to the beat, hands feet and hips rolling suavely smoothly perfectly. He wasn't dubbed a natural born dancer for nothing. He'll show them. Moving along to the rhythm with the rest of the people on the crammed dance floor that night, dancing and shaking and bumping carelessly. It's loud and dimmed and hot, but not in a sexy sweaty way ( though it was sweat he feels gliding from his forehead to his sideburn down to his neck.) It was suffocating. The loner side in him screams in protest from too many faces, too many hands touching, too many eyes looking. But it’s okay, Wooyoung thinks. It’s okay.
He's half drunk. Eyes lidded heavy. Ears buzzing. Head fuzzy. Heart shattering.
They say the first one who falls loses in love.
They say that it’s better to be the one chased than the one chasing.
Well, Wooyoung doesn't mind being a chasing fool for Nichkhun. Really he doesn't. But he's been chasing and running for one - two - three years and feeling more and more and more of a loser with each passing day while Nichkhun is just right there, smiling and warm and kind and so Wooyoung pushes himself harder, runs a little bit faster , reaches a little bit further, because Nichkhun is just an arms away, a step away. A breath too far.
Always a breath too far.
Each time that pair of eyes looks back at him without really seeing him, without knowing, without realizing. Never noticing. Wooyoung dies a little inside. In his stoic self. An agonizing silence.
Taec pries him away from the dance floor, away from the mesmerizing lights and repetitious noises that Wooyoung lets himself got lost into, the fake nectars he uses to numb his senses. " Stop doing this to yourself , Woo.." Taecyeon yells above the music , and Wooyoung laugh morosely. Defiant.
Defeated.
" Where did you find him this time?" Junho whispers, half concerned half annoyed as he closes the door of their dorm behind the two man that had entered.
" Liquid." Wooyoung hears Taecyeon named the club he drags him out from. " Is Khun hyung home yet?"
" No. He haven't. But I told him that you've found Wooyoung so he and Chansung can stop looking too. They were thinking to go as far as Hongdae to search for Woo. Junsu hyung is on his way home now. "
Wooyoung kept his eyes closed. Pretending he's too drunk to hear, to care. He presses his forehead deeper on Teacyeon's shoulder. Letting the arm around him, the hand on his waist to take all his weight, to keep him from falling. He's tired of being strong. Tired of walking tall.
I've proposed her, he said. We're having the wedding this autumn, he said. It’s amazing isn't it?, he said. Laughing. Buoyant. Happy. While Wooyoung's world topple tumble crumble shatters.
They say a wounded heart is nothing but ashes of memories.
They say it’s the dream ending that hurts rather than the love lost.
But how can it end when "they" haven't even started, how can he lost something that he never had to begin with? And why oh dear God WHY does it hurts just as much ?
Wooyoung pushes his pain to the back of his head. He doesn't have time for self pity. He needs to think think think. Clearly. Staring at the plain ceiling of his room. Clutching the blanket up to his chin like it's a magic shield protecting him from all the heartache the world has given him.
This needs to stop.
He need to move on. There's a lot of other fishes in the sea, and he have an entire ocean to search for. It’s not like he's going to die because of one silly little heartbreak. He's not a romantic love fool. He's practical.
So what if Nichkhun's getting married?
If Nichkhun fails to notice him, he'll find someone who won't.
If Nichkhun doesn't see him, he'll find someone who does.
If Nichkhun won't answer him, he'll find someone who will.
If Nichkhun won't love him, ...
Damn.
A soft knock was heard at his door, Wooyoung shifts and buries his face on a pillow.
" Wooyoungie.. Are you asleep already?" says the voice, hesitant and worried.
The door creaks and light footsteps are heard approaching. Wooyoung felt the side of his bed dipped, like someone was sitting on the edge.
He recognizes that breathing, soft and controlled. He knows the curves of the nose inhaling and exhaling it. Knows the face attached to the nose like it was his own. The small mole that rests a kiss away from the corner of those lips, the one on his chin, and the one above the right brow. That two teasing ones on his left neck just under that sturdy jawline, and the one on his left shoul-
" Wooyoung what is happening?" Nichkhun whispers, this time gently removing the pillow covering Wooyoung's face. " I know you're not really sleeping, aren't you?"
Wooyoung kept silent, eyes securely closed and stubbornly pretends to really have fallen asleep. He's getting good, this pretending stuff. Despite his liking he have had lots of practice of it.
Wooyoung feels warm hand cupping the side of his face, a thumb drawing circles soothingly on his cheek.
" You're in pain. I know it. " Nichkhun says carefully. His voice warm and sweet like honey in summer time. Damn, when did he become such a pathetic poet?
" Why can't you just tell me what's wrong? Is it family stuff? Girls stuff? Did somebody dumped you? Did you dump someone?" Nichkhun prods further.
Wooyoung would've burst out laughing from the irony were the hurt he felt haven't made his mouth bitter and eyes so close to tears. He shifts and turns his back on Nichkhun, facing the wall just in case those stubborn tears decides to fall anyway.
The bed dips again and Wooyoung hopes Nichkhun would just leave. ( Though he secretly wishes Nichkhun would stay, even if it was for a while )
The Thai shifts and shuffles and props himself beside Wooyoung, snuggling inside the cover, spooning him and draping an arm over Wooyoung's waist. Nichkhun's warm breath falling on the back of his neck and Wooyoung's heartbeat scatters about..
" I miss you. You hardly talk to me these days... Do you remember we used to do this almost every night and you would tell me everything?" Nichkhun says against Wooyoung's hair.
No hyung, not everything. Somethings you just have to find out on your own. But you never did.
" I hate feeling like we're drifting apart lately and I miss spending time with you. You're like a brother to me. Yeah I know we are all like brothers here, " Nichkhun chuckles ." but we're different right? You and me? We're special." He paused, then continues, " You're special."
It’s not fair. It just isn't. Wooyoung want to hurt Nichkhun. Want to smack his head for saying those words without knowing what it does to his heart.
" Hyung please, I'm tired and I have a headache, I have schedule in three more hours and I'm not really in the mood for small talks. So please, can you just let me sleep?" He finally answers.
" Then sleep. " Nichkhun replies, a hint of victorious amusement in his voice as he tightens his hug around Wooyoung's waist. THIS. This obliviousness. This magnificent cluelessity. This self assured unknowingness. This...this... Ignorance. Wooyoung fails to repress his irritation this time.
"For crying out loud hyung, when will you ever get it? can't you take a hint? Does everything need to be spelled out in order for you to understand? " Wooyoung sat up angrily and uncovers the blanket.
" You're so clueless you're suffocating me." He says, grabbing a pillow to sleep on the living room couch instead. He hasn't done that for a while now that they all have their own room but he wouldn't mind picking up that old habit, if only Nichkhun would let him. Because Nichkhun is holding the other end of the pillow he's taking." Hyung, let go." Wooyoung irks. Voice filled with enough annoyance to make him sulk the whole week.
" No. Stay here." Nichkhun deadpans, hands clutching his end of the unfortunate pillow " Stay and tell me what this is all about? What hint? What is it that I don't get? Why do I suffocate you?"
" Let go of the pillow hyung. Let it go. Just let me go."
" No, you let go if you want because i won't. Not before you tell me what's going on, not before--." Nichkhun goes high and low about a bunch of things that Wooyoung fails to registers in his head because he just realize something. Something he should have known already. Something he should have done long time ago.
"--and everyone's been worried about you but you keep on being secretive and--, I'm sorry what? did you say something?" Nichkhun asks when he thought he hears Wooyoung mutters something under his breath.
" I said you're right. I should be the one letting go. " Wooyoung inhales, feeling a chunk of weight somehow lifted from his chest.
" What?"
" I'm letting go hyung." He answers. After all this time he finally found an answer. " I won't cling to you any longer. I'm sorry I've been such a hassle for everyone, for you. Please worry about me no more. I will be fine from now on." And the world still turns, the sun still shines after he said that. Wooyoung breathes out.
He nods at Nichkhun, letting go his end of the pillow and with a huff, walks out of his room. Ignoring the dazed confused stare of Nichkhun's eyes probing his back. There's a flicker that ( finally) sparks inside that brown eyes and ignites something else in Nichkhun's mind. He can almost see those wheels spinning inside Nichkhun's head. But whether Nichkhun gets there or not was no longer important for Wooyoung . He’s ignoring everything, because fate’s script sucks, the gods are terrible gamblers and cupid should be demoted from his post.
He’s trying
He’s surviving
And if that means placing a blind spot on a certain Khun hyung from here on out then so be it.
They say we don't get to choose who we fall in love with.
They say that love chooses us.
But he can damn well choose to end it.
Though there's this small part of him, small tiny itsy bitsy easily disregarded (yet stubborn) part that believes he can't, he won't. Because they knew him too well the gods/ fate /destiny/ cupid. Because this love overshadows all the pain hurt sorrow, beautiful addicting sorrow, beautiful addicting Nichkhun. Because he took his role to heart. Because he's been playing too long too far gone to leave and act strong. Because he's Wooyoung . Because it's Nichkhun.
Because it’s Nichkhun.
And Wooyoung's a love fool afterall.