Fic: De Profundis 3/5
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Chapter 3
Don’t Rock the Jukebox
About an hour had passed in Klaus’ reckoning, during which he’d dozed off and on despite himself, when he suddenly heard scuttling footsteps in the hall followed by more purposeful ones. When the scuttling stopped, he raised his head slightly and was somehow unsurprised to see blue antennae and the top of a fuzzy orange hat appearing over the edge of the mattress.
“Ah, Zoing, there you are,” he said.
Zoing clambered the rest of the way onto the mattress and then ran over to hug Klaus’ neck, or at least as much of it as he could reach. “Hidad. Teee!”
There was a rumbling chuckle from the doorway, and Klaus turned his head just as Gkika, her skin matching her hair for a change, walked in with a tray. “Miz Agatha dun vant hyu to miss lonch.”
Come to think of it, Klaus wasn’t sure he’d had breakfast, either. He sat up, dislodging Zoing, and scooted back against the headboard. “Am I a prisoner?”
Gkika set the tray on his lap. “Dot depends on hyu, I tink. Vat hyu vant from our Heterodyne?”
He sighed. “At the moment, mostly answers. And I think I’m more likely to get them from you, at least where Gil’s concerned. Gkika... what happened?”
She turned deep blue and sat down on the edge of the bed. “He iz vun chopped-op keed venn Higgs und Vooster bring him in.”
“Zingaboom,” Zoing added gravely.
“Und Hy iz goot, bot dere iz some vounds efen Hy ken’t heal. Vit a broken beck und vitout Miz Agatha... vas very bad. He vouldn’t eat, vouldn’t drink... chust lie dere sayink, ‘Let me die.’”
Zoing made a distressed noise and wrung his claws.
Klaus’ gut twisted. “Didn’t you give him something?”
Gkika shook her head. “Not denn. De patient hef to vant to live. Vas only vun vay dot vould heppen. Und it deed.” She turned a very feminine shade of pink and smiled. “My boyz bring heem Miz Agatha.”
“Hegettagorl!” Zoing crowed and whistled for emphasis.
“And no one told me.” Klaus set the tray aside, feeling sick. “He ordered people not to tell me. He could have died, and I would never have known.” He should have seen the signs, understood how deeply losing Agatha had hurt Gil... but no, he’d been too wrapped up in trying to bring her back with the wrong brain. A fool’s errand, as it had turned out. It would have been even more so if it had cost him the one thing that had been driving him for the last twenty years: the life of his son.
Klaus Wulfenbach, lord of Europa, prize chump, and Father of the Year.
“Klaus.” Gkika turned red and wrapped a hand around his wrist. “He vasn’t tinkink. He dun vant hyu to be angry vit heem for beink an eediot.”
He looked down at his hands. “At least he comes by it honestly.”
She let go of his wrist and smacked the back of his head.
“OW!”
“Dun hyu start! Hyu eat op-dey gun be beck preety soon.”
“All right, all right, I’ll eat something.”
Zoing shoved the teacup into his hands. “Teee!”
Klaus chuckled in spite of himself. “And drink the tea. Thank you, Zoing.”
Zoing made a satisfied noise, but neither he nor Gkika left the bed while Klaus ate.
Just as he finished, the castle said, “Ah, Klaus. The mistress requests your presence in the green drawing room.”
Klaus sighed. “Right. Thank you, Castle. Er-”
“Oh, leave the tray. I’ll have a minion come to collect it.”
“Very well, then. But I don’t think they like being called minions,” he added as Gkika stood to let him up.
“Since when?” the castle asked, sounding genuinely puzzled.
Gkika laughed, and Klaus rolled his eyes and got up.
He thought long and hard as she escorted him through the halls about what he ought to say when he got there. A mostly calm, rational speech had worked itself out by the time they arrived. But the moment he walked into the room and saw Gil and Agatha sitting side by side trying not to giggle at each other and Zeetha not hiding a smirk at all, never mind the three very pleased Jägers at the back of the room and the exasperated cat construct, all of that flew out the window.
What came out instead was, “LACKWIT! How can I trust you to run the empire when I can’t even trust you to keep yourself in one piece?”
Gil stood, eyes flashing. “I don’t think you need to worry about that any longer. I, Gilgamesh Heterodyne, hereby renounce all claim and title to the Wulfenbach Empire.”
For the second time that day, Klaus felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him. “No... no, son, that’s not what I-”
Gil’s expression softened. “I know, Father. I’m not doing this to spite you, believe me. But you’ve got all Europa from which to choose a successor. Agatha needs me-and I need her,” he added, taking Agatha’s hand. “I’m not going to stop being your son. But there’s too much at stake for me to remain your heir.”
Gkika steered Klaus into a chair as he floundered for a response. “But... Gilgamesh, I... I did this for you!”
Gil shook his head as he sat down. “That you did it to keep me safe, I believe. And Zeetha’s explained a lot about why you’re so paranoid about my safety.”
“I wasn’t sent here to kill him,” Zeetha noted. “And even if I had been, Agatha is my zumil. I could never hurt her that way.”
“But you denied me my family, drove off my friends, and never once asked me what I wanted,” Gil continued. “No, I don’t want the Peace to fall apart and Europa to go back to the Long War, but that doesn’t mean I want to be the one in charge.”
“Do you think I wanted to be in charge?” Klaus retorted. “I built the empire because I was the only one who could!”
“You did it because you were the only one who would!”
Agatha cleared her throat. “This might be a moot point, Herr Baron, if you live long enough for one of our children to inherit from you.”
Klaus blinked at her.
“Un-unless it doesn’t work that way?”
“No. No, we... could make such arrangements. I just... had halfway hoped to retire before then.”
“Oh. Well. Uh....”
“We could name Boris regent if we had to,” Gil deadpanned.
Klaus burst out laughing in spite of himself. “Boris would hate you. But I suppose it’s a better option than some.”
“Like Sturmvoraus.”
“Yes.” Klaus sobered. “Yes, and that may be one advantage to your having married so quickly. Aaronev’s killed himself-and according to Tarvek, Anevka drove him to it.”
Gil frowned. “Oh, really. That’s interesting.”
“Um,” said Agatha. “Who’s....”
“Neighbors. The House of Sturmvoraus is the ruling family of Sturmhalten. Tarvek will have been crowned prince by now.”
“I don’t object to that,” said Klaus. “And since his information that you two were here turned out to be accurate, he may be slightly more trustworthy than his father. But I would have objected to his trying to marry Agatha.”
“Uh, thank you?” Agatha ventured. “But... why would he....”
“Aside from the fact that virtually every spark in Europa would want to marry you to gain control of Mechanicsburg? Aaronev was... unusually devoted to your mother. He may even have been working with her after she became The Other.”
The Jägers shot each other worried looks.
Agatha’s startled green eyes flew wide as she gripped Gil’s hand more tightly. “But... but what does that have to do with me?”
“We’ve just discovered a new type of revenant-otherwise normal people, but infected with slaver wasps and thus forced to obey The Other’s commands. At last count, there were over 170 on Castle Wulfenbach. One of them was Mr. Rovainen.”
“Should I know that name?”
“He was with the crew that came to take care of Othar, that day you got so mad at me for knocking him out,” Gil explained. “Little man, kind of looks like a mummy....”
“Oh, him.” Agatha’s lip curled. “He made a pass at me.”
Klaus raised an eyebrow. “Did he indeed? And what did you say to him?”
“I asked him if he had something he should be doing, and... and I told him to go do it.”
“You’re sure that’s all?”
“Quite sure, Herr Baron.”
“It’s true,” said the cat, finally coming over to the humans and climbing into a vacant chair. “I’d been keeping an eye on Agatha through the ducts. She used her command voice-”
“Well, I was really mad!”
“-but that was, in fact, all she said. The exact words, even.”
Klaus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “He must have had prior orders, then, either from Lucrezia or from the Geisterdamen.”
“Why?” Agatha asked. “What did-”
“He activated the hive engine. And he swore you ordered him to do it.”
“VOT?!” the Jägers exploded and all started talking over each other.
“Dot’s krezy-”
“Miz Agatha vouldn’t-”
“She’d neffer-”
Klaus held up a hand. “I’m beginning to believe that now. But the revenants are controlled by voice-particularly by Lucrezia’s voice. And Agatha, your voice is... very much like your mother’s. Especially the command voice.”
Agatha gulped audibly.
“Iz goot hyu married Master Gil,” Gkika growled and turned the color of flame to match her furiously protective expression. “Dis vay no vun gun mek hyu control der bogs for dem.”
“Agatha,” Zeetha breathed, horrified. “We almost-”
“Don’t,” Agatha interrupted, sounding close to tears (and not at all like Lucrezia, for some reason). “I don’t even want to think it.”
“What?” Klaus demanded.
“We... tried to cross the mountains through Passholdt,” Zeetha admitted. “But it was overrun with monsters-some new kind of revenant, maybe. I don’t know. We actually had to stop Agatha from going in to try to save any townspeople that might have been left.”
“There weren’t any,” the cat insisted.
“We didn’t know that,” Agatha objected, one tear escaping down her cheek.
“Vos not vise,” said the purple Jäger. “But iz vot hyu poppa vould hef done.”
Klaus frowned. “This is the first I’m hearing of it.”
“That... may not be a coincidence,” said Gil, taking Agatha’s glasses and pulling her closer so she could rest her head on his shoulder. “The next open pass that leads to Mechanicsburg is Balan’s Gap. And there aren’t any towns between Sturmhalten and Passholdt.”
The green Jäger nodded and stepped forward. “Dot Prinz Aaronev, he stole vun fancy magic doll from de circus three years ago. Master Payne vas vorried he steal de odder vun. Ve didn’t tink... he might try to steal Miz Agatha.”
Agatha buried her face in Gil’s shoulder and started crying in earnest.
“Shhh,” Gil said, wrapping both arms around her tightly. “It’s all right, Liebchen. You’re safe here. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”
She clung to him. “Gil....”
“Shhh. It’s okay. I promise.”
Klaus cleared his throat. “I do feel significantly better about this marriage than I did fifteen minutes ago. And I’m going to get to the bottom of this business with the revenants. Until I’m certain Agatha is safe, Mechanicsburg will remain under the protection of the empire.”
“Iz not hyu decision,” Gkika objected.
“Miz Agatha ken’t decide ennyting right now,” countered the green Jäger. “Hy tink it ken vait a few days.”
Klaus nodded and stood. “Fair enough. Agatha, Gil, I’m... I’m sorry to have spoiled your wedding day.”
Agatha hiccupped and turned her head to look up at him past Gil’s chin. “It’s... it’s okay. We needed to know. Thank you, Herr Baron.”
“I’ll... plan to stay in town for a few days, if that’s all right, at least until Punch and Judy are decanted. And I’ll send Dupree to deal with Passholdt.”
Agatha nodded.
“How are Punch and Judy?” Gil asked. “Have you been to see them?”
“I have,” Klaus replied. “I went to the hospital first, looking for you. They’re stable, healing well. Sun was very favorably impressed, and so am I.”
Gil smiled, looking both pleased and embarrassed.
Agatha sniffled and smiled proudly. “He’s amazing,” she stated, then raised her head enough to give Gil a peck on the jaw, which made him blush and grin sheepishly.
Klaus chuckled. “I believe that’s my cue to leave.” He paused. “Take care of my son, Lady Heterodyne.”
“I intend to,” Agatha replied.
“Oh, thanks very much,” Gil grumbled, but there was a teasing glint in his eyes.
Klaus chuckled again and turned to leave, but just as he got to the door, one last question occurred to him, and he turned back. “Oh, Gil... what are your plans for Wooster?”
Gil cleared his throat. “Well, unless you want him yourself, Father, I thought I’d have him stay on as my valet here.”
Klaus nodded. “Good thinking.” That would get the British spy off Castle Wulfenbach, and Gil would already know the identity of the spy in Mechanicsburg. Albia was sure to send someone else to spy on Klaus, but that could be dealt with when the time came.
“Well, he did save my life, even when I didn’t want him to.” Gil looked at Agatha, still nestled against his shoulder. “I think I owe him for that.”
Klaus nodded slowly, remembering belatedly that Wooster really was more than just a spy. “Yes. Yes, so do I.” And on that note, he left.
He did pause once more, however, just inside the front door. “Castle? No one is to interrupt my son’s wedding night-including you.”
“You,” replied the castle, opening the door, “are no fun at all.”
Lars had been to Mechanicsburg before. He knew all about the skulls and grinning gargoyles at the gate, the skeletal reaper above the portcullises designed to look like a monster’s gaping maw. It had never unsettled him in years past.
But then, in years past, he’d never been knocked off his horse by... whatever that sound had been earlier. He’d withstood the first blast tolerably well, but the second, not even an hour later, had sent him sprawling, and he hadn’t even realized it until he woke up on the ground. If that was a bell that tolled for him, this trip was about to go very, very badly.
“Good afternoon, gentlemen,” an older man on a bench outside the gate called as Lars and Augie rode up.
Lars took a moment to place him as they stopped. “Ah, Herr Heliotrope, isn’t it? Good afternoon to you, sir.”
Shrewd blue eyes assessed Lars’ face. “Let me see-ah, yes, Master Payne’s Circus of Adventure. It’s been a while.”
“Yes, sir.”
“We’d heard you might be arriving soon, but not when. Fortuitous timing, I must say. Our Lady Heterodyne has just returned to us and been married today. A good Heterodyne show will be just the thing to round out the celebrations.”
Augie shot Lars a worried look.
“Ah,” said Lars. “So... Miss Clay and Princess Zeetha arrived safely, then?”
Herr Heliotrope chuckled. “Indeed they did, young man, but they can tell you all about that themselves. Well, I believe you already know where to go. The cathedral square may be a bit crowded, but someone will be there to direct you where best to set up. And I’ll see that word gets to Lady Heterodyne that you’re here.”
Lars nodded. “Thank you, sir.”
“We should probably do Turbines of Atlantis,” said Augie as they rode into town. “That one isn’t likely to offend anyone.”
Lars rubbed the back of his neck. “I guess that was the Doom Bell we heard earlier. What a bizarre way to celebrate a wedding.”
“Yes, well, I’m sure it does spell doom for anyone who wants to try to control the Heterodynes. Wonder who she married, though.”
Lars looked up at the castle as they passed through the gate and back into the sunlight. It didn’t look noticeably different; the damage from The Other’s attack was still quite visible. Yet if he squinted, he could just make out two people up on the roof of the highest tower, doing something with the spires. As the riders got closer, the people on the roof turned to each other and kissed-and Lars caught a flash of long strawberry blonde hair on the shorter figure.
He gasped. “Is... is that....”
“Hey,” Augie interrupted. “Eyes on the road.”
Lars blinked and realized he was about to miss the turn. “Right. Sorry.” It could be a coincidence, he told himself as he resolutely kept his eyes on where they were going. Lucrezia was a blonde, they say; her daughter might be, too. Plus, it’s way too far from here to that tower for me to see anything clearly. It could have been a trick of the light. It could have been... it could have been... dangit, Lars, you’ll see her soon enough-you can ask her then. You’ve got a job to do right now, so get to it!
Upon their arrival at the cathedral square, a briskly efficient young lady in white directed Lars and Augie to the north side of the space, past rows of tables that were apparently being set up for a banquet. As they passed the cathedral itself, however, a joyful shout brought them up short, and Zeetha came running down the steps, followed by a blond man who looked like a sailor.
“We were hoping you guys would get here today!” she called.
“Zeetha!” Lars called back. “Where’s Agatha?”
“Busy, but she’ll be here soon. Lars, Augie, this is my boyfriend, Axel Higgs.”
Higgs raised an eyebrow as Lars dismounted. “So you’re Lars. Glad to meet you, sir. ’Fraid I had to borrow your name for a bit to be able to help Her Ladyship.”
“Well, that’s all right,” Lars replied, shaking the fellow’s hand. “Any friend of Zeetha and Agatha’s is a friend of mine.”
Augie made a choked noise and dismounted himself.
Zeetha frowned. “Augie? What’s wrong? You look awful.”
“Er, well,” Augie began but hesitated.
“The Doom Bell gave us both a pretty bad turn,” Lars confessed. “But really, Augie hasn’t been himself since Sturmhalten.”
Both Zeetha and Higgs looked like thunder. “So something did happen in Sturmhalten,” said Zeetha. “Is Moxana-”
“She’s fine. Nobody came for her. But Augie... well, he hasn’t said much to me, but....”
“Right,” said Higgs and turned to Augie. “You look like you could use a drink, sir.”
“It wouldn’t hurt,” Augie confessed.
Zeetha nodded. “Good thinking. Send someone to get Father while you’re at it; I’m sure he’ll want to hear this himself. We’ll get the horses to the livery stable.”
Higgs nodded back and ushered Augie back toward the tables.
“Father,” Lars repeated as Zeetha took the reins of Augie’s horse and started leading the way to the nearest livery stable. “You mean you found Chump?”
She chuckled. “Lars, you are in for a ton of shocks today. Yes, I found my father and my twin brother. They’re here in town.”
Brother? “Why is that shocking?”
“That part isn’t so much. Surprising, yes, but wait ’til you meet them.”
“That sounds ominous.”
“Depends on your point of view.” She looked at him more seriously. “Lars, what happened in Sturmhalten?”
He sighed. “Command performance of Socket Wench of Prague-and then the prince ran out about five lines into Pix’s first scene. It looked like he was crying.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Crying. At Socket Wench. The raunchiest comedy in the Heterodyne Boys repertoire.”
“Well, Pix was doing a bang-up impression of Agatha playing Lucrezia. I don’t....”
She cut him off with a snarl. “That figures.”
“What? Agatha said-”
“I know, I know. The problem’s not with Pix. But thank the gods we weren’t there.”
“Zeetha. What do you know? What’s going on?”
“I can’t tell you much right now. But you remember that day you and Agatha were out walking and the Geisterdamen showed up?”
He shivered. “How can I forget? We’d been doing a scene from West Pole.”
“They thought they heard Lucrezia.”
He blinked. “I... I don’t follow you.”
“That’s all right. Just... there’s a chance Aaronev might have tried to kidnap Agatha if we’d been there. We still don’t know all the details of why.”
“Well, the princess kidnapped Augie briefly because he’s a spark, so....”
“What?!”
“That’s all I know. Honest.”
She growled something that was probably a curse in her native language, but the conversation was halted by their arrival at the livery stable. Once the horses were delivered, she made a deliberate effort to change the subject and started filling him in on some of their adventures with the Jägers, taking hidden pathways through the mountains to get to Mechanicsburg. (Krosp had apparently discovered that he liked bat, which had prompted Maxim and Oggie to reminisce at length about the Red Heterodyne and his bat sandwiches during the campaign against the Unseen Empire.) So by the time they got back to the square, Lars had almost forgotten to ask any more about what Zeetha knew about Sturmhalten and why Agatha would have been in danger there. He’d even mostly forgotten the lingering sense of dread, though not necessarily of danger, he’d had since the second ringing of the Doom Bell.
They’d just sorted out where to put the concession stand when he heard, “Lars! Zeetha!” and turned-and his mouth went dry.
Agatha was walking up, smiling... and holding hands with the madboy from the airship, who was grinning. He wasn’t in fancy clothes this time, just a plain shirt and trousers and a couple of waistcoats that would be practical for adventuring. But his hair was the same. And Agatha was holding his hand.
“You got here just in time,” she said to Lars. “I’m looking forward to getting to see the show for a change. Which play are you doing?”
Zeetha, taking pity on him, answered, “He’s been talking about The Turbines of Atlantis.”
“Ooh, that’s a good one,” replied the madboy. “And plenty safe, given the audience.”
“Oh, where are my manners?” Agatha groaned. “Lars, this is my husband, Gil. Gil, this is Lars.”
Husband?
Husband?!
“Ah, so you’re the man I have to thank for giving my wife kissing lessons,” said Gil and offered his hand. His tone was pleasant enough, but when Lars shook hands with him, there was a distinct warning glint in his eyes that made Lars feel like he’d eaten too much green cheese.
“Agatha,” he choked out, “I... I thought you said....”
“I did,” Agatha replied with less regret than steel in her eyes. “I was wrong.”
“She saved my life,” Gil added, taking her hand again. “We’re just lucky Father Yglyn was willing to marry us today, as soon as her accession was official.”
Accession-
“You’re the Heterodyne?!” he gasped.
“Glad you could join us, Lars,” Krosp deadpanned, which was the first time Lars actually registered that he was on the other side of Agatha.
Zeetha snickered.
Lars rounded on her. “You knew?!”
“Only since we left with the Jägers,” Zeetha laughed. “I did warn you there were shocks ahead, didn’t I?”
A mischievous look crossed Agatha’s face. “Did you tell him you’re my sister-in-law now?”
“Not yet. But then, you didn’t say that Gil’s your consort.”
“C-consort?” Lars stammered.
“Oh, yeah. Renounced his inheritance and everything.”
Forget green cheese. Lars was starting to feel like he’d had one of Taki’s experimental meat pies that had the wrong kind of mushrooms in it.
“Heh,” said G-Lord Heterodyne. “Better go ahead and drop the last bombshell so he can recover in time for the show.”
“Well, I had mentioned that Chump is here,” Zeetha admitted. “So Lars? He’s right over there.” And she pointed to the table where Augie was sitting and talking...
... with the baron.
“Whoa-ho, easy there, Lars,” Lord Heterodyne said, steering Lars to a chair that Krosp was pushing toward them. “Take a few deep breaths. No one’s going to kill you.”
“I-I-er....” Sitting down hard, Lars took a deep breath and held it briefly, and his head did spin a little slower. A second helped even more. “I, uh. Th-thank you... Lord Heterodyne.”
Lord Heterodyne looked startled, then smiled. “You’re the first person to call me that. Congratulations.” And he slapped Lars on the back slightly harder than strictly necessary.
But Agatha was still looking at Augie and the baron. “Why is Augie-”
“News from Sturmhalten,” Zeetha said gravely. “Dimo was right.”
Agatha hissed. “Krosp, do you mind keeping an eye on Lars and helping the circus set up when they get here? We should probably go give Augie some support and find out what happened.”
“As long as I don’t have to shovel anything,” Krosp replied, “fine.”
Lord Heterodyne gave him a strange look. “Shovel?”
“Prof. Moonsock had him working as a stable hand,” Zeetha explained.
Lord Heterodyne snorted. “Hardly a dignified position for the emperor of all cats.”
“Thank you!” Krosp cried. “Finally, someone understands!”
Agatha came over and put a gentle hand on Lars’ shoulder. “Lars, I am sorry to let you down this way, and to drop all this on you and run.”
Lars ran a hand over his mouth. “No, no, it’s....” He swallowed hard and forced himself to meet her eyes and say, “I’m happy for you.”
She smiled, and they left him alone with Krosp. He held himself together until they were out of earshot, then buried his face in his hands with a groan and slumped forward, catching his elbows on his knees.
“So now you know,” Krosp said, not unkindly.
“A Heterodyne,” Lars moaned. “That’s what Zeetha was trying to tell me, why the Geisters thought Agatha sounded like Lucrezia.”
“Yep.”
“That’s why the Jägers followed her from Zumzum.”
“Right again.”
“And that’s why she wouldn’t let me come with you.”
“In her defense, she hadn’t made up her mind to marry him until we got here. When she said he wasn’t her boyfriend... well, she was in pretty deep denial about what she felt, but she did have reason not to trust him.”
Lars dropped his hands. “Even so... an ordinary guy like me... I never really had any chance at all, did I?”
“You might have one day. But something tells me ‘one day’ would never have come after Sturmhalten.”
Lars sighed heavily, then registered that last and looked at Krosp. “Why? What did they want with Agatha?”
“We’re not certain,” Krosp warned, though his ears were back. “But nothing good in any case. She wouldn’t be here married to Gil today, that’s for sure.”
Lars took a deep breath and sat up straight. “I want to help her. Even-I mean-”
“Lars. She’s in the most secure fortress in Europa, and she’s married to the baron’s son. What do you think you can do for her?”
“I don’t know. I just....”
“Hey.” Krosp put a paw on Lars’ knee. “It’s a good instinct. Just don’t let it get you in trouble.”
Lars swallowed hard and nodded. “Thanks, Krosp.”
And then the circus arrived, so Lars put the chair back and started directing the setup while Agatha called Abner and Master Payne over to talk with the baron. Lars tried not to pay much attention to what was going on there, though he did glance over once and see Abner shaking hands with Lord Heterodyne. Then Zeetha waved Pix over, and Lars resolutely looked away.
Abner and Pix came back a few minutes later, arm in arm and looking shaken but relieved. “So, Lars,” Abner said. “You up for Turbines of Atlantis?”
“Kind of have to be, don’t I?” Lars replied with a rueful chuckle. “At least it’s not one with Lucrezia in it.”
Pix shook her head. “I still can’t believe Agatha’s Bill and Lucrezia’s daughter.”
Lars hadn’t quite made that connection yet and groaned as he felt himself blush. “Thanks for the reminder that I’ve been kissing my character’s child.”
Abner smiled wryly. “What are the odds, right?”
“That just... gah.” Somehow it made the loss easier to bear, though. “But enough about my being an idiot-are you two okay?”
Pix chuckled. “Lord Heterodyne wanted to apologize for threatening to shoot me, so I had to apologize for lying to him.”
Abner nodded. “And then the baron wanted to know about Olga.”
Lars blinked. “What? Why?”
“He brought her back-with someone else’s brain.”
“Okay, that’s... kind of creepy.”
“Tell me about it. At least we got to tell him about Sturmhalten, though, and give him more information about Passholdt.”
André wandered over at that point. “So what show are we doing?”
“Turbines of Atlantis,” Lars said. And by some miracle, the words didn’t stick in his throat when he added, “It’s Agatha’s wedding day.”
That got around well before Master Payne returned, and soon the entire circus was thrown into a frenzy of preparation for the best show they’d staged in years. Even with the banquet being put on by and for the Mechanicsburgers, there were enough tourists in town that the concession stand did brisk business, and the turnout for the show was superb. Zeetha even agreed to come back for a final encore performance of her swordsmanship act. All the same, whenever he was onstage, Lars had to force himself not to look back toward the back of the crowd, where the baron was, knowing that the Heterodynes would most likely be sitting with him.
He made it through to the curtain call, by which point the baron had disappeared. But away on the far side of the square, under a streetlight, he caught sight of the Heterodynes standing arm in arm and talking excitedly with an Indian man and an Irishwoman. Then Lord Heterodyne said something to Agatha... and Agatha kissed him.
Lars’ stomach felt like it was filled with concrete.
“HOY! Meester Larz!”
The cheerful shout jolted Lars out of his shock, and he looked down to see the three Jägers grinning up at him from just past the stage. “Oh. Er. Hello.”
“De kitty sez hyu iz heffink a bad day,” said the purple one. “So ve thot ve tek hyu out for a drink!”
“Oh, uh, thanks. I, um....”
“Go on, Lars,” Master Payne said. “We’ll be staying a few days.”
Lars nodded. “All right, then.” He still felt a little skittish around the Jägers, but since these three clearly knew why he was having a bad day and were on good enough terms with Krosp, they probably weren’t out to poison him or anything for having dared to kiss their Heterodyne. So he jumped down from the stage to join them.
“Dot’s it!” The green one slapped him on the back. “Ve go hef sum fun, yah? Iz time to celebrate!”
“Honestly, I don’t-”
“Miz Agatha is safe, und hyu doll friend is safe. Dot hyu ken celebrate, right?”
Lars thought about the dangers they’d evidently avoided in Sturmhalten. “Yes, I suppose that is worth celebrating.”
“Goot man!” said the blond one as they herded him away. “Hyu come vit uz-ve introduce hyu to de pack!”
“The... the pack?”
And before he could really brace himself, Lars was surrounded by friendly fanged grins and boisterous compliments on his portrayal of ‘Master Bill.’ He was so overwhelmed that he lost track of where he was until the group slowed down in front of a door.
The door to the most infamous tavern in Transylvania.
And the owner was holding it open with her shoulder, a massive stein in each hand, and grinning at him.
“Vell, dollink?” asked Mamma Gkika. “Hyu comink in?”
Lars swallowed hard and then decided he had nothing left to lose. He squared his shoulders and nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”
The Jägers around him roared in approval and swept him inside, where a very shapely barmaid dressed as a Jäger brought him something very stout to drink. He didn’t ask any questions, just drank whatever she put in front of him. And he drank until he wasn’t afraid of her fake fangs anymore-and then some.
He hadn’t forgotten about Agatha by the time the barmaid pulled him away to a private room. And he knew he’d probably regret accepting the Jägers’ invitation come morning. But maybe, if this was all it took to ease his pain, however temporarily... he didn’t deserve Agatha after all.
Next
Chapter 3
Don’t Rock the Jukebox
About an hour had passed in Klaus’ reckoning, during which he’d dozed off and on despite himself, when he suddenly heard scuttling footsteps in the hall followed by more purposeful ones. When the scuttling stopped, he raised his head slightly and was somehow unsurprised to see blue antennae and the top of a fuzzy orange hat appearing over the edge of the mattress.
“Ah, Zoing, there you are,” he said.
Zoing clambered the rest of the way onto the mattress and then ran over to hug Klaus’ neck, or at least as much of it as he could reach. “Hidad. Teee!”
There was a rumbling chuckle from the doorway, and Klaus turned his head just as Gkika, her skin matching her hair for a change, walked in with a tray. “Miz Agatha dun vant hyu to miss lonch.”
Come to think of it, Klaus wasn’t sure he’d had breakfast, either. He sat up, dislodging Zoing, and scooted back against the headboard. “Am I a prisoner?”
Gkika set the tray on his lap. “Dot depends on hyu, I tink. Vat hyu vant from our Heterodyne?”
He sighed. “At the moment, mostly answers. And I think I’m more likely to get them from you, at least where Gil’s concerned. Gkika... what happened?”
She turned deep blue and sat down on the edge of the bed. “He iz vun chopped-op keed venn Higgs und Vooster bring him in.”
“Zingaboom,” Zoing added gravely.
“Und Hy iz goot, bot dere iz some vounds efen Hy ken’t heal. Vit a broken beck und vitout Miz Agatha... vas very bad. He vouldn’t eat, vouldn’t drink... chust lie dere sayink, ‘Let me die.’”
Zoing made a distressed noise and wrung his claws.
Klaus’ gut twisted. “Didn’t you give him something?”
Gkika shook her head. “Not denn. De patient hef to vant to live. Vas only vun vay dot vould heppen. Und it deed.” She turned a very feminine shade of pink and smiled. “My boyz bring heem Miz Agatha.”
“Hegettagorl!” Zoing crowed and whistled for emphasis.
“And no one told me.” Klaus set the tray aside, feeling sick. “He ordered people not to tell me. He could have died, and I would never have known.” He should have seen the signs, understood how deeply losing Agatha had hurt Gil... but no, he’d been too wrapped up in trying to bring her back with the wrong brain. A fool’s errand, as it had turned out. It would have been even more so if it had cost him the one thing that had been driving him for the last twenty years: the life of his son.
Klaus Wulfenbach, lord of Europa, prize chump, and Father of the Year.
“Klaus.” Gkika turned red and wrapped a hand around his wrist. “He vasn’t tinkink. He dun vant hyu to be angry vit heem for beink an eediot.”
He looked down at his hands. “At least he comes by it honestly.”
She let go of his wrist and smacked the back of his head.
“OW!”
“Dun hyu start! Hyu eat op-dey gun be beck preety soon.”
“All right, all right, I’ll eat something.”
Zoing shoved the teacup into his hands. “Teee!”
Klaus chuckled in spite of himself. “And drink the tea. Thank you, Zoing.”
Zoing made a satisfied noise, but neither he nor Gkika left the bed while Klaus ate.
Just as he finished, the castle said, “Ah, Klaus. The mistress requests your presence in the green drawing room.”
Klaus sighed. “Right. Thank you, Castle. Er-”
“Oh, leave the tray. I’ll have a minion come to collect it.”
“Very well, then. But I don’t think they like being called minions,” he added as Gkika stood to let him up.
“Since when?” the castle asked, sounding genuinely puzzled.
Gkika laughed, and Klaus rolled his eyes and got up.
He thought long and hard as she escorted him through the halls about what he ought to say when he got there. A mostly calm, rational speech had worked itself out by the time they arrived. But the moment he walked into the room and saw Gil and Agatha sitting side by side trying not to giggle at each other and Zeetha not hiding a smirk at all, never mind the three very pleased Jägers at the back of the room and the exasperated cat construct, all of that flew out the window.
What came out instead was, “LACKWIT! How can I trust you to run the empire when I can’t even trust you to keep yourself in one piece?”
Gil stood, eyes flashing. “I don’t think you need to worry about that any longer. I, Gilgamesh Heterodyne, hereby renounce all claim and title to the Wulfenbach Empire.”
For the second time that day, Klaus felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him. “No... no, son, that’s not what I-”
Gil’s expression softened. “I know, Father. I’m not doing this to spite you, believe me. But you’ve got all Europa from which to choose a successor. Agatha needs me-and I need her,” he added, taking Agatha’s hand. “I’m not going to stop being your son. But there’s too much at stake for me to remain your heir.”
Gkika steered Klaus into a chair as he floundered for a response. “But... Gilgamesh, I... I did this for you!”
Gil shook his head as he sat down. “That you did it to keep me safe, I believe. And Zeetha’s explained a lot about why you’re so paranoid about my safety.”
“I wasn’t sent here to kill him,” Zeetha noted. “And even if I had been, Agatha is my zumil. I could never hurt her that way.”
“But you denied me my family, drove off my friends, and never once asked me what I wanted,” Gil continued. “No, I don’t want the Peace to fall apart and Europa to go back to the Long War, but that doesn’t mean I want to be the one in charge.”
“Do you think I wanted to be in charge?” Klaus retorted. “I built the empire because I was the only one who could!”
“You did it because you were the only one who would!”
Agatha cleared her throat. “This might be a moot point, Herr Baron, if you live long enough for one of our children to inherit from you.”
Klaus blinked at her.
“Un-unless it doesn’t work that way?”
“No. No, we... could make such arrangements. I just... had halfway hoped to retire before then.”
“Oh. Well. Uh....”
“We could name Boris regent if we had to,” Gil deadpanned.
Klaus burst out laughing in spite of himself. “Boris would hate you. But I suppose it’s a better option than some.”
“Like Sturmvoraus.”
“Yes.” Klaus sobered. “Yes, and that may be one advantage to your having married so quickly. Aaronev’s killed himself-and according to Tarvek, Anevka drove him to it.”
Gil frowned. “Oh, really. That’s interesting.”
“Um,” said Agatha. “Who’s....”
“Neighbors. The House of Sturmvoraus is the ruling family of Sturmhalten. Tarvek will have been crowned prince by now.”
“I don’t object to that,” said Klaus. “And since his information that you two were here turned out to be accurate, he may be slightly more trustworthy than his father. But I would have objected to his trying to marry Agatha.”
“Uh, thank you?” Agatha ventured. “But... why would he....”
“Aside from the fact that virtually every spark in Europa would want to marry you to gain control of Mechanicsburg? Aaronev was... unusually devoted to your mother. He may even have been working with her after she became The Other.”
The Jägers shot each other worried looks.
Agatha’s startled green eyes flew wide as she gripped Gil’s hand more tightly. “But... but what does that have to do with me?”
“We’ve just discovered a new type of revenant-otherwise normal people, but infected with slaver wasps and thus forced to obey The Other’s commands. At last count, there were over 170 on Castle Wulfenbach. One of them was Mr. Rovainen.”
“Should I know that name?”
“He was with the crew that came to take care of Othar, that day you got so mad at me for knocking him out,” Gil explained. “Little man, kind of looks like a mummy....”
“Oh, him.” Agatha’s lip curled. “He made a pass at me.”
Klaus raised an eyebrow. “Did he indeed? And what did you say to him?”
“I asked him if he had something he should be doing, and... and I told him to go do it.”
“You’re sure that’s all?”
“Quite sure, Herr Baron.”
“It’s true,” said the cat, finally coming over to the humans and climbing into a vacant chair. “I’d been keeping an eye on Agatha through the ducts. She used her command voice-”
“Well, I was really mad!”
“-but that was, in fact, all she said. The exact words, even.”
Klaus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “He must have had prior orders, then, either from Lucrezia or from the Geisterdamen.”
“Why?” Agatha asked. “What did-”
“He activated the hive engine. And he swore you ordered him to do it.”
“VOT?!” the Jägers exploded and all started talking over each other.
“Dot’s krezy-”
“Miz Agatha vouldn’t-”
“She’d neffer-”
Klaus held up a hand. “I’m beginning to believe that now. But the revenants are controlled by voice-particularly by Lucrezia’s voice. And Agatha, your voice is... very much like your mother’s. Especially the command voice.”
Agatha gulped audibly.
“Iz goot hyu married Master Gil,” Gkika growled and turned the color of flame to match her furiously protective expression. “Dis vay no vun gun mek hyu control der bogs for dem.”
“Agatha,” Zeetha breathed, horrified. “We almost-”
“Don’t,” Agatha interrupted, sounding close to tears (and not at all like Lucrezia, for some reason). “I don’t even want to think it.”
“What?” Klaus demanded.
“We... tried to cross the mountains through Passholdt,” Zeetha admitted. “But it was overrun with monsters-some new kind of revenant, maybe. I don’t know. We actually had to stop Agatha from going in to try to save any townspeople that might have been left.”
“There weren’t any,” the cat insisted.
“We didn’t know that,” Agatha objected, one tear escaping down her cheek.
“Vos not vise,” said the purple Jäger. “But iz vot hyu poppa vould hef done.”
Klaus frowned. “This is the first I’m hearing of it.”
“That... may not be a coincidence,” said Gil, taking Agatha’s glasses and pulling her closer so she could rest her head on his shoulder. “The next open pass that leads to Mechanicsburg is Balan’s Gap. And there aren’t any towns between Sturmhalten and Passholdt.”
The green Jäger nodded and stepped forward. “Dot Prinz Aaronev, he stole vun fancy magic doll from de circus three years ago. Master Payne vas vorried he steal de odder vun. Ve didn’t tink... he might try to steal Miz Agatha.”
Agatha buried her face in Gil’s shoulder and started crying in earnest.
“Shhh,” Gil said, wrapping both arms around her tightly. “It’s all right, Liebchen. You’re safe here. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”
She clung to him. “Gil....”
“Shhh. It’s okay. I promise.”
Klaus cleared his throat. “I do feel significantly better about this marriage than I did fifteen minutes ago. And I’m going to get to the bottom of this business with the revenants. Until I’m certain Agatha is safe, Mechanicsburg will remain under the protection of the empire.”
“Iz not hyu decision,” Gkika objected.
“Miz Agatha ken’t decide ennyting right now,” countered the green Jäger. “Hy tink it ken vait a few days.”
Klaus nodded and stood. “Fair enough. Agatha, Gil, I’m... I’m sorry to have spoiled your wedding day.”
Agatha hiccupped and turned her head to look up at him past Gil’s chin. “It’s... it’s okay. We needed to know. Thank you, Herr Baron.”
“I’ll... plan to stay in town for a few days, if that’s all right, at least until Punch and Judy are decanted. And I’ll send Dupree to deal with Passholdt.”
Agatha nodded.
“How are Punch and Judy?” Gil asked. “Have you been to see them?”
“I have,” Klaus replied. “I went to the hospital first, looking for you. They’re stable, healing well. Sun was very favorably impressed, and so am I.”
Gil smiled, looking both pleased and embarrassed.
Agatha sniffled and smiled proudly. “He’s amazing,” she stated, then raised her head enough to give Gil a peck on the jaw, which made him blush and grin sheepishly.
Klaus chuckled. “I believe that’s my cue to leave.” He paused. “Take care of my son, Lady Heterodyne.”
“I intend to,” Agatha replied.
“Oh, thanks very much,” Gil grumbled, but there was a teasing glint in his eyes.
Klaus chuckled again and turned to leave, but just as he got to the door, one last question occurred to him, and he turned back. “Oh, Gil... what are your plans for Wooster?”
Gil cleared his throat. “Well, unless you want him yourself, Father, I thought I’d have him stay on as my valet here.”
Klaus nodded. “Good thinking.” That would get the British spy off Castle Wulfenbach, and Gil would already know the identity of the spy in Mechanicsburg. Albia was sure to send someone else to spy on Klaus, but that could be dealt with when the time came.
“Well, he did save my life, even when I didn’t want him to.” Gil looked at Agatha, still nestled against his shoulder. “I think I owe him for that.”
Klaus nodded slowly, remembering belatedly that Wooster really was more than just a spy. “Yes. Yes, so do I.” And on that note, he left.
He did pause once more, however, just inside the front door. “Castle? No one is to interrupt my son’s wedding night-including you.”
“You,” replied the castle, opening the door, “are no fun at all.”
Lars had been to Mechanicsburg before. He knew all about the skulls and grinning gargoyles at the gate, the skeletal reaper above the portcullises designed to look like a monster’s gaping maw. It had never unsettled him in years past.
But then, in years past, he’d never been knocked off his horse by... whatever that sound had been earlier. He’d withstood the first blast tolerably well, but the second, not even an hour later, had sent him sprawling, and he hadn’t even realized it until he woke up on the ground. If that was a bell that tolled for him, this trip was about to go very, very badly.
“Good afternoon, gentlemen,” an older man on a bench outside the gate called as Lars and Augie rode up.
Lars took a moment to place him as they stopped. “Ah, Herr Heliotrope, isn’t it? Good afternoon to you, sir.”
Shrewd blue eyes assessed Lars’ face. “Let me see-ah, yes, Master Payne’s Circus of Adventure. It’s been a while.”
“Yes, sir.”
“We’d heard you might be arriving soon, but not when. Fortuitous timing, I must say. Our Lady Heterodyne has just returned to us and been married today. A good Heterodyne show will be just the thing to round out the celebrations.”
Augie shot Lars a worried look.
“Ah,” said Lars. “So... Miss Clay and Princess Zeetha arrived safely, then?”
Herr Heliotrope chuckled. “Indeed they did, young man, but they can tell you all about that themselves. Well, I believe you already know where to go. The cathedral square may be a bit crowded, but someone will be there to direct you where best to set up. And I’ll see that word gets to Lady Heterodyne that you’re here.”
Lars nodded. “Thank you, sir.”
“We should probably do Turbines of Atlantis,” said Augie as they rode into town. “That one isn’t likely to offend anyone.”
Lars rubbed the back of his neck. “I guess that was the Doom Bell we heard earlier. What a bizarre way to celebrate a wedding.”
“Yes, well, I’m sure it does spell doom for anyone who wants to try to control the Heterodynes. Wonder who she married, though.”
Lars looked up at the castle as they passed through the gate and back into the sunlight. It didn’t look noticeably different; the damage from The Other’s attack was still quite visible. Yet if he squinted, he could just make out two people up on the roof of the highest tower, doing something with the spires. As the riders got closer, the people on the roof turned to each other and kissed-and Lars caught a flash of long strawberry blonde hair on the shorter figure.
He gasped. “Is... is that....”
“Hey,” Augie interrupted. “Eyes on the road.”
Lars blinked and realized he was about to miss the turn. “Right. Sorry.” It could be a coincidence, he told himself as he resolutely kept his eyes on where they were going. Lucrezia was a blonde, they say; her daughter might be, too. Plus, it’s way too far from here to that tower for me to see anything clearly. It could have been a trick of the light. It could have been... it could have been... dangit, Lars, you’ll see her soon enough-you can ask her then. You’ve got a job to do right now, so get to it!
Upon their arrival at the cathedral square, a briskly efficient young lady in white directed Lars and Augie to the north side of the space, past rows of tables that were apparently being set up for a banquet. As they passed the cathedral itself, however, a joyful shout brought them up short, and Zeetha came running down the steps, followed by a blond man who looked like a sailor.
“We were hoping you guys would get here today!” she called.
“Zeetha!” Lars called back. “Where’s Agatha?”
“Busy, but she’ll be here soon. Lars, Augie, this is my boyfriend, Axel Higgs.”
Higgs raised an eyebrow as Lars dismounted. “So you’re Lars. Glad to meet you, sir. ’Fraid I had to borrow your name for a bit to be able to help Her Ladyship.”
“Well, that’s all right,” Lars replied, shaking the fellow’s hand. “Any friend of Zeetha and Agatha’s is a friend of mine.”
Augie made a choked noise and dismounted himself.
Zeetha frowned. “Augie? What’s wrong? You look awful.”
“Er, well,” Augie began but hesitated.
“The Doom Bell gave us both a pretty bad turn,” Lars confessed. “But really, Augie hasn’t been himself since Sturmhalten.”
Both Zeetha and Higgs looked like thunder. “So something did happen in Sturmhalten,” said Zeetha. “Is Moxana-”
“She’s fine. Nobody came for her. But Augie... well, he hasn’t said much to me, but....”
“Right,” said Higgs and turned to Augie. “You look like you could use a drink, sir.”
“It wouldn’t hurt,” Augie confessed.
Zeetha nodded. “Good thinking. Send someone to get Father while you’re at it; I’m sure he’ll want to hear this himself. We’ll get the horses to the livery stable.”
Higgs nodded back and ushered Augie back toward the tables.
“Father,” Lars repeated as Zeetha took the reins of Augie’s horse and started leading the way to the nearest livery stable. “You mean you found Chump?”
She chuckled. “Lars, you are in for a ton of shocks today. Yes, I found my father and my twin brother. They’re here in town.”
Brother? “Why is that shocking?”
“That part isn’t so much. Surprising, yes, but wait ’til you meet them.”
“That sounds ominous.”
“Depends on your point of view.” She looked at him more seriously. “Lars, what happened in Sturmhalten?”
He sighed. “Command performance of Socket Wench of Prague-and then the prince ran out about five lines into Pix’s first scene. It looked like he was crying.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Crying. At Socket Wench. The raunchiest comedy in the Heterodyne Boys repertoire.”
“Well, Pix was doing a bang-up impression of Agatha playing Lucrezia. I don’t....”
She cut him off with a snarl. “That figures.”
“What? Agatha said-”
“I know, I know. The problem’s not with Pix. But thank the gods we weren’t there.”
“Zeetha. What do you know? What’s going on?”
“I can’t tell you much right now. But you remember that day you and Agatha were out walking and the Geisterdamen showed up?”
He shivered. “How can I forget? We’d been doing a scene from West Pole.”
“They thought they heard Lucrezia.”
He blinked. “I... I don’t follow you.”
“That’s all right. Just... there’s a chance Aaronev might have tried to kidnap Agatha if we’d been there. We still don’t know all the details of why.”
“Well, the princess kidnapped Augie briefly because he’s a spark, so....”
“What?!”
“That’s all I know. Honest.”
She growled something that was probably a curse in her native language, but the conversation was halted by their arrival at the livery stable. Once the horses were delivered, she made a deliberate effort to change the subject and started filling him in on some of their adventures with the Jägers, taking hidden pathways through the mountains to get to Mechanicsburg. (Krosp had apparently discovered that he liked bat, which had prompted Maxim and Oggie to reminisce at length about the Red Heterodyne and his bat sandwiches during the campaign against the Unseen Empire.) So by the time they got back to the square, Lars had almost forgotten to ask any more about what Zeetha knew about Sturmhalten and why Agatha would have been in danger there. He’d even mostly forgotten the lingering sense of dread, though not necessarily of danger, he’d had since the second ringing of the Doom Bell.
They’d just sorted out where to put the concession stand when he heard, “Lars! Zeetha!” and turned-and his mouth went dry.
Agatha was walking up, smiling... and holding hands with the madboy from the airship, who was grinning. He wasn’t in fancy clothes this time, just a plain shirt and trousers and a couple of waistcoats that would be practical for adventuring. But his hair was the same. And Agatha was holding his hand.
“You got here just in time,” she said to Lars. “I’m looking forward to getting to see the show for a change. Which play are you doing?”
Zeetha, taking pity on him, answered, “He’s been talking about The Turbines of Atlantis.”
“Ooh, that’s a good one,” replied the madboy. “And plenty safe, given the audience.”
“Oh, where are my manners?” Agatha groaned. “Lars, this is my husband, Gil. Gil, this is Lars.”
Husband?
Husband?!
“Ah, so you’re the man I have to thank for giving my wife kissing lessons,” said Gil and offered his hand. His tone was pleasant enough, but when Lars shook hands with him, there was a distinct warning glint in his eyes that made Lars feel like he’d eaten too much green cheese.
“Agatha,” he choked out, “I... I thought you said....”
“I did,” Agatha replied with less regret than steel in her eyes. “I was wrong.”
“She saved my life,” Gil added, taking her hand again. “We’re just lucky Father Yglyn was willing to marry us today, as soon as her accession was official.”
Accession-
“You’re the Heterodyne?!” he gasped.
“Glad you could join us, Lars,” Krosp deadpanned, which was the first time Lars actually registered that he was on the other side of Agatha.
Zeetha snickered.
Lars rounded on her. “You knew?!”
“Only since we left with the Jägers,” Zeetha laughed. “I did warn you there were shocks ahead, didn’t I?”
A mischievous look crossed Agatha’s face. “Did you tell him you’re my sister-in-law now?”
“Not yet. But then, you didn’t say that Gil’s your consort.”
“C-consort?” Lars stammered.
“Oh, yeah. Renounced his inheritance and everything.”
Forget green cheese. Lars was starting to feel like he’d had one of Taki’s experimental meat pies that had the wrong kind of mushrooms in it.
“Heh,” said G-Lord Heterodyne. “Better go ahead and drop the last bombshell so he can recover in time for the show.”
“Well, I had mentioned that Chump is here,” Zeetha admitted. “So Lars? He’s right over there.” And she pointed to the table where Augie was sitting and talking...
... with the baron.
“Whoa-ho, easy there, Lars,” Lord Heterodyne said, steering Lars to a chair that Krosp was pushing toward them. “Take a few deep breaths. No one’s going to kill you.”
“I-I-er....” Sitting down hard, Lars took a deep breath and held it briefly, and his head did spin a little slower. A second helped even more. “I, uh. Th-thank you... Lord Heterodyne.”
Lord Heterodyne looked startled, then smiled. “You’re the first person to call me that. Congratulations.” And he slapped Lars on the back slightly harder than strictly necessary.
But Agatha was still looking at Augie and the baron. “Why is Augie-”
“News from Sturmhalten,” Zeetha said gravely. “Dimo was right.”
Agatha hissed. “Krosp, do you mind keeping an eye on Lars and helping the circus set up when they get here? We should probably go give Augie some support and find out what happened.”
“As long as I don’t have to shovel anything,” Krosp replied, “fine.”
Lord Heterodyne gave him a strange look. “Shovel?”
“Prof. Moonsock had him working as a stable hand,” Zeetha explained.
Lord Heterodyne snorted. “Hardly a dignified position for the emperor of all cats.”
“Thank you!” Krosp cried. “Finally, someone understands!”
Agatha came over and put a gentle hand on Lars’ shoulder. “Lars, I am sorry to let you down this way, and to drop all this on you and run.”
Lars ran a hand over his mouth. “No, no, it’s....” He swallowed hard and forced himself to meet her eyes and say, “I’m happy for you.”
She smiled, and they left him alone with Krosp. He held himself together until they were out of earshot, then buried his face in his hands with a groan and slumped forward, catching his elbows on his knees.
“So now you know,” Krosp said, not unkindly.
“A Heterodyne,” Lars moaned. “That’s what Zeetha was trying to tell me, why the Geisters thought Agatha sounded like Lucrezia.”
“Yep.”
“That’s why the Jägers followed her from Zumzum.”
“Right again.”
“And that’s why she wouldn’t let me come with you.”
“In her defense, she hadn’t made up her mind to marry him until we got here. When she said he wasn’t her boyfriend... well, she was in pretty deep denial about what she felt, but she did have reason not to trust him.”
Lars dropped his hands. “Even so... an ordinary guy like me... I never really had any chance at all, did I?”
“You might have one day. But something tells me ‘one day’ would never have come after Sturmhalten.”
Lars sighed heavily, then registered that last and looked at Krosp. “Why? What did they want with Agatha?”
“We’re not certain,” Krosp warned, though his ears were back. “But nothing good in any case. She wouldn’t be here married to Gil today, that’s for sure.”
Lars took a deep breath and sat up straight. “I want to help her. Even-I mean-”
“Lars. She’s in the most secure fortress in Europa, and she’s married to the baron’s son. What do you think you can do for her?”
“I don’t know. I just....”
“Hey.” Krosp put a paw on Lars’ knee. “It’s a good instinct. Just don’t let it get you in trouble.”
Lars swallowed hard and nodded. “Thanks, Krosp.”
And then the circus arrived, so Lars put the chair back and started directing the setup while Agatha called Abner and Master Payne over to talk with the baron. Lars tried not to pay much attention to what was going on there, though he did glance over once and see Abner shaking hands with Lord Heterodyne. Then Zeetha waved Pix over, and Lars resolutely looked away.
Abner and Pix came back a few minutes later, arm in arm and looking shaken but relieved. “So, Lars,” Abner said. “You up for Turbines of Atlantis?”
“Kind of have to be, don’t I?” Lars replied with a rueful chuckle. “At least it’s not one with Lucrezia in it.”
Pix shook her head. “I still can’t believe Agatha’s Bill and Lucrezia’s daughter.”
Lars hadn’t quite made that connection yet and groaned as he felt himself blush. “Thanks for the reminder that I’ve been kissing my character’s child.”
Abner smiled wryly. “What are the odds, right?”
“That just... gah.” Somehow it made the loss easier to bear, though. “But enough about my being an idiot-are you two okay?”
Pix chuckled. “Lord Heterodyne wanted to apologize for threatening to shoot me, so I had to apologize for lying to him.”
Abner nodded. “And then the baron wanted to know about Olga.”
Lars blinked. “What? Why?”
“He brought her back-with someone else’s brain.”
“Okay, that’s... kind of creepy.”
“Tell me about it. At least we got to tell him about Sturmhalten, though, and give him more information about Passholdt.”
André wandered over at that point. “So what show are we doing?”
“Turbines of Atlantis,” Lars said. And by some miracle, the words didn’t stick in his throat when he added, “It’s Agatha’s wedding day.”
That got around well before Master Payne returned, and soon the entire circus was thrown into a frenzy of preparation for the best show they’d staged in years. Even with the banquet being put on by and for the Mechanicsburgers, there were enough tourists in town that the concession stand did brisk business, and the turnout for the show was superb. Zeetha even agreed to come back for a final encore performance of her swordsmanship act. All the same, whenever he was onstage, Lars had to force himself not to look back toward the back of the crowd, where the baron was, knowing that the Heterodynes would most likely be sitting with him.
He made it through to the curtain call, by which point the baron had disappeared. But away on the far side of the square, under a streetlight, he caught sight of the Heterodynes standing arm in arm and talking excitedly with an Indian man and an Irishwoman. Then Lord Heterodyne said something to Agatha... and Agatha kissed him.
Lars’ stomach felt like it was filled with concrete.
“HOY! Meester Larz!”
The cheerful shout jolted Lars out of his shock, and he looked down to see the three Jägers grinning up at him from just past the stage. “Oh. Er. Hello.”
“De kitty sez hyu iz heffink a bad day,” said the purple one. “So ve thot ve tek hyu out for a drink!”
“Oh, uh, thanks. I, um....”
“Go on, Lars,” Master Payne said. “We’ll be staying a few days.”
Lars nodded. “All right, then.” He still felt a little skittish around the Jägers, but since these three clearly knew why he was having a bad day and were on good enough terms with Krosp, they probably weren’t out to poison him or anything for having dared to kiss their Heterodyne. So he jumped down from the stage to join them.
“Dot’s it!” The green one slapped him on the back. “Ve go hef sum fun, yah? Iz time to celebrate!”
“Honestly, I don’t-”
“Miz Agatha is safe, und hyu doll friend is safe. Dot hyu ken celebrate, right?”
Lars thought about the dangers they’d evidently avoided in Sturmhalten. “Yes, I suppose that is worth celebrating.”
“Goot man!” said the blond one as they herded him away. “Hyu come vit uz-ve introduce hyu to de pack!”
“The... the pack?”
And before he could really brace himself, Lars was surrounded by friendly fanged grins and boisterous compliments on his portrayal of ‘Master Bill.’ He was so overwhelmed that he lost track of where he was until the group slowed down in front of a door.
The door to the most infamous tavern in Transylvania.
And the owner was holding it open with her shoulder, a massive stein in each hand, and grinning at him.
“Vell, dollink?” asked Mamma Gkika. “Hyu comink in?”
Lars swallowed hard and then decided he had nothing left to lose. He squared his shoulders and nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”
The Jägers around him roared in approval and swept him inside, where a very shapely barmaid dressed as a Jäger brought him something very stout to drink. He didn’t ask any questions, just drank whatever she put in front of him. And he drank until he wasn’t afraid of her fake fangs anymore-and then some.
He hadn’t forgotten about Agatha by the time the barmaid pulled him away to a private room. And he knew he’d probably regret accepting the Jägers’ invitation come morning. But maybe, if this was all it took to ease his pain, however temporarily... he didn’t deserve Agatha after all.
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