in which i hit the snooze button.
"Nobody knows... who I really am.
I've never felt... this empty before.
And if I ever need someone to come along,
who's gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?"
--
yesterday evening was a Very Long Evening, and today was a Very Long Day. believe me, i'm happy that some of you got (or had) today off, but because i had the flu last week, and i'm still trying to make up missed hours at school, i couldn't afford to skip. and i woke up ridiculously early - probably because i crawled into bed around 9 PM - so i went into karate this morning, too.
i think Greg would have liked Sensei. he would have dug all the cool Asian art and Kanji wall hangings at the East Syracuse dojo. i think the repetition of doing kata for an hour would have severely taxed his ADHD, though. *small smile*
or helped? i wish...
--
yesterday morning we finished our practical exams and were released from school early. because i finally had the time, i walked up to Syracuse University to find a poster for my brother-in-law; he did his doctorate at SU, and has wanted a poster of the Dome for his office in Tiffin for the longest time.
poster in hand, i sat on a bench in the middle of the quad, remembering the last time i was there. fifteen years ago. this was before the world wide web, before dot-coms, before Wi-Fi in every Starbucks. back when people used raw telnet and were happy to get it.
and i snuck into Syracuse University, using my brother-in-law's old ID, because i'd met a boy online while i was away at school in Long Island, and wanted to "see" him...
--
i found myself stopping especially to get Dunkin Donuts coffee every day for the past three days. i blame Greg.
--
i've called Greg's cel phone two or three times, last night and today, just to hear his voice again.
yes, i am well aware of how pathetic this is.
--
when i got home from school today, i read through my friends list, saw all the postings. i read comments and left comments, but i still wasn't ready to write this. so i went out to ride my bike.
i did a dozen or so miles on my ten-speed. lots of hills. anime and techno thrumming in my ears.
Greg came with.
the downhills were awesome-fast. that familar joy went through me again. but when we got to the uphill part, i fancy i heard Greg say "Oh - huh, this is the exercise part of exercising."
i told him "Look, if you want nonstop speed, go haunt Lance Armstrong."
--
i wore my Angelic Layer T-shirt today, and blue-jean shorts - the same outfit i wore when i last met up with Greg in Davis Square, for Japanese food. i had thought about wearing white today, because we learned in Shiatsu that, in Japanese culture, white is for mourning.
then i realized i'd been wearing white for two days - a white nightgown both nights, and white T-shirt yesterday.
it made me start bawling again.
--
i brought my teddy bear to school today. i wore mirrored sunglasses most of the time, because my eyes were frankly scary.
--
i realize this is scattered all over the place, and i apologize. i'm just trying to get it out.
--
around 4:15 yesterday, i was leaving school to go to the Red Cross to donate platelets. by 5:00ish, i was hooked up to the apheresis machine, and by 6:30ish, i was done. the donation went flawlessly, well and away the easiest i've had in months.
i tottered into the canteen. they were out of coffee. i got some water instead, and then checked my cel phone. Emily had called.
i don't know why i assumed it was good news. i was dialing her back before i even knew what i was doing. and Emily, not realizing of course where i was, did what she had to do.
you ever want to completely freak out an entire ward of Red Cross people, find out you just lost one of your best friends while the holes are still oozing.
i fell over, sobbing my guts out, and three techs came running. two people grabbed my shoulders, i'm just trying to gasp for air, and then i started choking. i had this picture of myself throwing up on the nice phlebotomists... and i'm finally beginning to find the entire thing slightly humorous.
it wasn't, right then.
--
there was a ruby-throated hummingbird at the front window last night. the first hummingbird i've ever seen at my parents' house. i planted flowers especially to attract hummingbirds, hoped for them, but saw none.
until last night.
my mom only saw him because she was watching the baby bunny that has decided our new backyard deck, installed two weeks ago, is his own personal condo. mom saw the bunny hop into the flowerbed, and then she saw the hummingbird, and called me down. he was at those flowers for a good ten minutes, only three feet from the living room window. mom and i watched him, i cried, and said "Greg, you son of a bitch."
i wasn't only desperately sad last night, i was a bit angry at points, too.
the thing is, i know that Greg is OK because he sent me a hummingbird.
--
i keep thinking about that night. the first night i met Greg, when he came to visit me at Stony Brook. he was the first person i ever really kissed, and he still ranks as the best kisser i've ever known.
strange how i could tell my ex-husband that - while i was still married to him, because he asked - but i never did tell Greg.
--
i have this memory of sleeping on the floor of the Cambridge apartment, trying to ignore the incredibly noisy heating system, knowing that if i didn't get some sleep, i was going to be worthless the next day while we tried to move him out, and - more likely than not - would lose my composure in front of my now-ex-husband at the Prophecy midwinter feast.
--
i feel so incredibly blessed by being able to forgive, and be forgiven, and to build this new relationship we had. have. i'm keeping it.
but still, annoyed about all the stuff we're not going to get to do. oh, i'll imagine Greg coming with me places... but i do realize it's all in my head. i do.
mostly.
--
i have Greg to thank for tons of new people in my life: all the people he introduced me to, and all those people i found through him.
i thank him for Japanese food - the onigiri and red bean paste buns that i still get intense cravings for every so often (like now). the German Baked Pancake he surprised me with one morning. the three-foot deep clawfoot bathtub he insisted i try, which was heaven, and time he never begrudged me. the psychotic-doll anime he got off on me being squicked by.
i have to thank him, at least in part, for massage school.
it's ironic that he was person who advised me to try massage. and then advised me to try again, after it didn't go so well the first time. which led me to Christina. which led me to OSTM.
which led me to not having any damn time to go down to Connecticut this spring. yes, i feel guilty.
--
i am agonized. torn. hurting. confused. angry. lost. cheated. clueless.
and, in the end, so very blessed to have known him.
I've never felt... this empty before.
And if I ever need someone to come along,
who's gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?"
--
yesterday evening was a Very Long Evening, and today was a Very Long Day. believe me, i'm happy that some of you got (or had) today off, but because i had the flu last week, and i'm still trying to make up missed hours at school, i couldn't afford to skip. and i woke up ridiculously early - probably because i crawled into bed around 9 PM - so i went into karate this morning, too.
i think Greg would have liked Sensei. he would have dug all the cool Asian art and Kanji wall hangings at the East Syracuse dojo. i think the repetition of doing kata for an hour would have severely taxed his ADHD, though. *small smile*
or helped? i wish...
--
yesterday morning we finished our practical exams and were released from school early. because i finally had the time, i walked up to Syracuse University to find a poster for my brother-in-law; he did his doctorate at SU, and has wanted a poster of the Dome for his office in Tiffin for the longest time.
poster in hand, i sat on a bench in the middle of the quad, remembering the last time i was there. fifteen years ago. this was before the world wide web, before dot-coms, before Wi-Fi in every Starbucks. back when people used raw telnet and were happy to get it.
and i snuck into Syracuse University, using my brother-in-law's old ID, because i'd met a boy online while i was away at school in Long Island, and wanted to "see" him...
--
i found myself stopping especially to get Dunkin Donuts coffee every day for the past three days. i blame Greg.
--
i've called Greg's cel phone two or three times, last night and today, just to hear his voice again.
yes, i am well aware of how pathetic this is.
--
when i got home from school today, i read through my friends list, saw all the postings. i read comments and left comments, but i still wasn't ready to write this. so i went out to ride my bike.
i did a dozen or so miles on my ten-speed. lots of hills. anime and techno thrumming in my ears.
Greg came with.
the downhills were awesome-fast. that familar joy went through me again. but when we got to the uphill part, i fancy i heard Greg say "Oh - huh, this is the exercise part of exercising."
i told him "Look, if you want nonstop speed, go haunt Lance Armstrong."
--
i wore my Angelic Layer T-shirt today, and blue-jean shorts - the same outfit i wore when i last met up with Greg in Davis Square, for Japanese food. i had thought about wearing white today, because we learned in Shiatsu that, in Japanese culture, white is for mourning.
then i realized i'd been wearing white for two days - a white nightgown both nights, and white T-shirt yesterday.
it made me start bawling again.
--
i brought my teddy bear to school today. i wore mirrored sunglasses most of the time, because my eyes were frankly scary.
--
i realize this is scattered all over the place, and i apologize. i'm just trying to get it out.
--
around 4:15 yesterday, i was leaving school to go to the Red Cross to donate platelets. by 5:00ish, i was hooked up to the apheresis machine, and by 6:30ish, i was done. the donation went flawlessly, well and away the easiest i've had in months.
i tottered into the canteen. they were out of coffee. i got some water instead, and then checked my cel phone. Emily had called.
i don't know why i assumed it was good news. i was dialing her back before i even knew what i was doing. and Emily, not realizing of course where i was, did what she had to do.
you ever want to completely freak out an entire ward of Red Cross people, find out you just lost one of your best friends while the holes are still oozing.
i fell over, sobbing my guts out, and three techs came running. two people grabbed my shoulders, i'm just trying to gasp for air, and then i started choking. i had this picture of myself throwing up on the nice phlebotomists... and i'm finally beginning to find the entire thing slightly humorous.
it wasn't, right then.
--
there was a ruby-throated hummingbird at the front window last night. the first hummingbird i've ever seen at my parents' house. i planted flowers especially to attract hummingbirds, hoped for them, but saw none.
until last night.
my mom only saw him because she was watching the baby bunny that has decided our new backyard deck, installed two weeks ago, is his own personal condo. mom saw the bunny hop into the flowerbed, and then she saw the hummingbird, and called me down. he was at those flowers for a good ten minutes, only three feet from the living room window. mom and i watched him, i cried, and said "Greg, you son of a bitch."
i wasn't only desperately sad last night, i was a bit angry at points, too.
the thing is, i know that Greg is OK because he sent me a hummingbird.
--
i keep thinking about that night. the first night i met Greg, when he came to visit me at Stony Brook. he was the first person i ever really kissed, and he still ranks as the best kisser i've ever known.
strange how i could tell my ex-husband that - while i was still married to him, because he asked - but i never did tell Greg.
--
i have this memory of sleeping on the floor of the Cambridge apartment, trying to ignore the incredibly noisy heating system, knowing that if i didn't get some sleep, i was going to be worthless the next day while we tried to move him out, and - more likely than not - would lose my composure in front of my now-ex-husband at the Prophecy midwinter feast.
--
i feel so incredibly blessed by being able to forgive, and be forgiven, and to build this new relationship we had. have. i'm keeping it.
but still, annoyed about all the stuff we're not going to get to do. oh, i'll imagine Greg coming with me places... but i do realize it's all in my head. i do.
mostly.
--
i have Greg to thank for tons of new people in my life: all the people he introduced me to, and all those people i found through him.
i thank him for Japanese food - the onigiri and red bean paste buns that i still get intense cravings for every so often (like now). the German Baked Pancake he surprised me with one morning. the three-foot deep clawfoot bathtub he insisted i try, which was heaven, and time he never begrudged me. the psychotic-doll anime he got off on me being squicked by.
i have to thank him, at least in part, for massage school.
it's ironic that he was person who advised me to try massage. and then advised me to try again, after it didn't go so well the first time. which led me to Christina. which led me to OSTM.
which led me to not having any damn time to go down to Connecticut this spring. yes, i feel guilty.
--
i am agonized. torn. hurting. confused. angry. lost. cheated. clueless.
and, in the end, so very blessed to have known him.