"What's Done Is Done"; John/Teyla, PG-13
Title: What's Done Is Done
Author: iheartkeys & kepp0xy
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Type: Angst
Characters/Pairings: John Sheppard/Teyla Emmagan, Rodney McKay, Jennifer Keller
Spoilers: None.
Word Count: 2,697
Rating: PG-13 for adult content that might upset some readers.
Summary: Teyla goes through a tough ordeal which affects John in the process.
Beta: tater_mae, who also thought up the summary and rating warning. Much love!
Author's Note: Prompt, Stargate: Atlantis, John/Teyla: Secrets - If only, for choc_fic
She puts on a smile when he comes out onto the balcony, his hair ruffling in the slight breeze. She falters when he makes eye contact. Those bright green eyes are sharp and do not miss anything, specifically the confusion and stress evident in the way she is carrying herself. His steps slow and his head is tilted to one side in a silent query.
She looks away, back to the setting sun and the ocean where Atlantis sits. The peace and quiet that dawned since the last Wraith attack is discomforting. There has been too much fighting, too much running away in her life, for her to think that life is unchanging.
"Teyla?"
The concern in his voice stops her breath for a moment. Of course he is concerned, she chides herself.
She meets his eyes again. But she does not know how to begin.
==
"You're fine, Teyla," Dr. Keller said, scribbling one last note on the pad of paper beside her before looking up. "In fact, you're better than fine."
She found it hard to breathe in the spacious infirmary as Keller continued. The lights were blinding, her headache building slowly with each pulse of her heartbeat. How did it happen? They were so careful- apparently not careful enough. She looked up at Keller who still had a smile on her face, though she could see concern shadowing her eyes.
"... options. Now, I'm not encouraging anything, I just have to inform you, Teyla, because ultimately it's your choice, whether..."
This was not what she wanted.
Correction.
This was not something she could afford to have right now.
"... don't have to decide now, Teyla. Perhaps..."
The decision was made long ago, when she made the choice to join the Lanteans.
==
"What's up with Teyla?" Ronon asked, raising his arm and snapping the bottle lid the way he'd been taught after hanging out with the Lanteans late one night. John watched it sail across his room, hitting the pen on his desk and knocking it onto the floor.
"Nice one," John nodded approvingly. He took a sip of his beer before answering. "I don't know. She's been a bit quiet lately, hasn't she? Well, to be fair, she wasn't really a chatterbox in the first place."
"She looked a bit green the last time I saw her."
John nodded slowly. "I noticed that, too. Food poisoning, perhaps?" He snapped his bottle lid in the same direction; it missed his target- the binder clip- and hit the desk lamp's bulb instead. He winced as glass shattered onto the surface. "Ah... oops."
==
"Huh. Why are you here?" Rodney asked, his attention focused on the console in front of him.
Teyla was standing near the side of the dimly lit, circular room, her back against the wall while watching Rodney fumble with the wires and control crystals protruding out of the Ancient device. "General Carter said you might need help."
"Of course she said that," he replied quietly, more to himself than her as he poked several keys on the keyboard. A screen appeared in front of him with words written in Ancient. "Well, I suggest you sit down or something, because I'll be awhile."
A warrior never sits while on duty, but she did not say that aloud. Instead, she let her eyes glaze over, blocking out the flashing lights in front of her as the scientist worked. She could not get Keller's words out of her mind. They haunted her day and night. Much like when she had sensed a Wraith on Atlantis the first time, she was losing sleep over it- she stifled a yawn- but there was nobody she could talk to.
Except for John. Though, perhaps...
"Rodney?" Teyla asked, watching Rodney crouch down to wiggle a crystal loose.
"Hmm?"
"How are you and Katie?"
"Good, very good. Great, even." He paused, letting his hands drop from the wires for a second, and smiled. "Yeah, great." The blissful tone in his voice made her smile, a rarity since her visit to the infirmary the other day.
"That is good to hear."
"Hmm." His hands started moving along the crystals again, his eyebrows knitted together in concentration. The crystals were giving off a soft glow which illuminated the scientist like a higher being. It made her nervous, like she was speaking to someone who would judge her actions. "Why do you ask?" he continued, oblivious to her thoughts.
Teyla hooked a loose lock of hair behind her ear, fingering the ends of the golden brown strands. "Do you hope to have a family with her in the future?"
"I don't like kids. And kids don't like me," he stated.
Teyla rolled her eyes and tried again. "What if it was out of your control?"
"What, like an unplanned pregnancy?"
"Yes. Exactly."
"Here on Atlantis?"
"Mm."
Rodney turned around, his eyes aimed towards the ceiling in thought. "As beautiful as Atlantis is, it's just not an ideal place for raising kids. First of all, a huge percentage of the city is still a mystery to us. Second, we are at war. Third--"
"Rodney?" She interrupted.
"Hmm?"
"Unplanned?"
"Oh, Right. Unplanned, eh? Then I guess," he paused, which Teyla found uncharacteristic, but she was grateful for it. Rodney was clearly giving her question careful consideration. "Well, Katie and I... We would handle it. I would never, could never ask her to, you know. And I guess Pegasus isn't that bad. I mean, the Athosians still have children all the time, right?"
Teyla almost smiled at his curt tones, they almost distracted her from her troubles. "Yes, there are still new births. You have babysat several times."
"Don't remind me," he grimaced at her from under the console. "So, it's possible, obviously, just not preferable. Additionally, there's the whole me not liking kids, kids not liking me. They'd probably end up calling Sheppard 'daddy'."
She looked away, trying to breathe normally.
... calling Sheppard 'daddy'...
Rodney was disconnecting his tablet PC from the Ancient console when he suddenly looked up. "Teyla?"
"Yes, Rodney?" She blinked away her thoughts and met his eyes. She immediately wished she hadn't; he had a look of curiosity on his face and his eyes were invading, searching.
"What would you do?"
==
Her eyes flickered shut, her hands resting palms up on her knees. She focused her mind on the simple task of breathing, the rhythm easing her into a peaceable state. Her muscles began to relax, the tension easing slowly from her body, and relief moved sluggishly through her veins. She had feared that her stresses would prevent her from reaching this point.
Teyla's mind slowly began to open: Atlantis, all its corridors and rooms dispersing, in its place a simplicity of understanding and contentment.
But suddenly, her abdomen contracted sharply, a pain and emptiness spurting through her body, faster than a lightning bolt. Teyla heaved forwards, narrowly avoiding the flame of the candle by rolling to the side at the last moment.
She laid on the floor of the gym, panting, for several minutes before she could regain her mind. The pain she had felt was not real in the sense that something had gone wrong within her, but it was an illusion set out from the opening of her mind... A manifestation she feared but would not face.
Teyla sucked in a breath and wished, not for the first time but never so vehemently, that she had more female confidants. While she trusted her team-mates and she had a few friends on base, none of them were close enough for her to trust this to- and she was not yet prepared to tell John. Had she been with an Athosian, it would have been an acceptable issue to discuss amongst her people, but John was not of her people, and while they had affection for him on principle, Teyla was not certain this would be tolerable.
She pulled herself back to a sitting position and held her arm across her stomach. She watched the flame and tried to sink back into a meditative state.
==
"It-" he starts, his face distorting into a multitude of emotions. She watches as confusion became fear, and then fear into trouble, before returning to confusion. "Are you sure?"
"I am positive," she whispers with a single nod. Even though he is standing beside her, she feels alone, and she makes this apparent by wrapping her arms around her stomach, her eyes straying towards the ocean once more. The silence that follows does not help her unease as she rubs her arms for warmth.
"I went to see Dr. Keller," she continues, just for something to say. She does not miss the sharp intake of his breath and wishes, just this once, that the power the Wraith genes she possesses could give her insight to his mind.
John shifts until he is comfortable, or rather, less uncomfortable before speaking. "I- I don't know what to say," he blurts, his eyes squinting together in apology. "When...?"
"Two weeks ago."
"Took you that long to tell me?"
She is not sure whether he is joking or not, the tone of his voice flat and devoid of any emotion. Guilt shoots through her; if only he knew how many sleepless nights she had these past fourteen days, looking for the right words and imagining his reaction.
"John..."
He is staring at the floor now and chewing on his lip. "Teyla," he starts, and she hears the pain in his voice. "We can't-"
"I know."
==
"I thought today was for your rest," Teyla mumbled into the pillow. His alarm had started blaring a few seconds earlier, pulling them both out of deep - if not mildly uncomfortable given the bed's size - sleeps.
She heard the slap of fingers on plastic and the annoying sounds ended. "It is. Just forgot to turn the damn thing off." John flopped back over, slipping a hand around her waist. "Problem solved, back to sleep." He pressed his lips into her hair. Teyla flicked her eyes shut again, trying to ignore the way the sun shone brightly through John's window and crossed their pillows. After a few minutes, and deciding that she was thoroughly awake, she ran her fingers through the dark bristles of his arm encircling her waist. "Go to sleep, Teyla," he muttered, breath blowing lightly against her neck.
Teyla carefully rotated in the bed, to many of John's grunts and groans, and more than a few irritated "what are you doing?"s before she slipped her hands along his stomach, fingers dancing lightly along the sensitive skin over his ribs. "I cannot get back to sleep." She traced lines with her hands before applying her lips and tongue to the task and it wasn't long for him to join in the teasing too.
Teyla relished being the only woman at Atlantis to know which caress would send him moaning, what kind of kiss would have him keeping her face securely in place wanting more and more and more, where each and every one of his arousal spots were, and knowing that John longed for no other woman than her to use that knowledge. She only enjoyed one other fact more: that he could return those actions in kind.
It was a playful competition, who could illicit the strongest response first. Both were breathless, with faint smiles on their faces when John finally rolled onto his back and tugged Teyla on top of him. "Feeling lazy?" she asked, her smile turning slightly mocking, shifting herself to have her thighs pressed tightly against his hips.
"Well, it is my day off," he responded, thumbing circles on her hip bones. He bucked beneath her in desperate invitation and she obliged, sinking slowly onto him and enjoying the sensation of their bodies melding. She tilted her head back as John thrust beneath her, and she rotated her hips in response. His fingers slipped into Teyla's hair, grasping convulsively before tugging her face down for kiss after sloppy kiss, their rhythm increasing until Teyla's body seemed to hum.
His release followed shortly after hers, a low growl in his throat shuddering through her lips.
==
She peers up at him and squeezes his hand. "It will be okay," she murmurs encouragingly.
"Yeah, yeah. It'll be okay," he repeats, pulling his hand away from hers. The loss of his touch hurt her more than it should have, but she hides it by turning to the door. "Now?" he chokes, stumbling after her before the balcony doors close.
His hesitation has her wondering, and she stops in the middle of the hallway, torn between going and staying. She tells him the truth.
"If I do not go now, I might not have the strength later."
==
John stands beside Teyla like a statue, wondering why he didn't leave when Teyla and Keller offered him that window of opportunity. He looks around the empty infirmary, fear and discomfort clutching his heart.
It's unfortunate that it has to be this way, but they both agree it is for the best. The lives they lead put them in danger almost daily, if not hourly.
Teyla's grip on his hand tightens, pulling him out of his thoughts.
"You okay?" he whispers softly, his voice oddly loud in his ears. He steals a glance at Keller, who is oblivious to their conversation. He fights to keep the wince off his face again, as his eyes take in the way Teyla's feet are secured in what are - to his mind, anyway - freezing metal stirrups, her legs forced apart, spread wide, so that Keller can have access to... He swallows hard. John doesn't know the details of the procedure, or why the hell Teyla would opt for the one that keeps her awake, but his mind created and is creating detailed imagery of what might be going on and his un-held hand spasms, even as his stomach takes an unpleasant dive.
"Mm." Teyla gives him a weak smile and another stab of guilt pierces his heart. Always trying to make him comfortable, even when it ought to be the other way around. He can't look at her anymore and looks instead at her smooth, flat stomach.
If they'd only had the luxury to wait the nine months... The scene would be the exact same but for a completely different outcome. A muscle in his jaw clenches and something in his heart harden. It was a life he can't have, neither of them can, not right now.
But God, he wants it.
He drags his eyes away to find hers on him still, the deep browns fighting to mask everything he's afraid of seeing.
==
It's late when he leaves her side, the night sky above Atlantis bright with stars in patterns Teyla had pointed out to him during one of their many trips to the mainland. His eyes immediately find the cluster of stars representing 'Father, Mother and Child', a particular constellation Teyla had pointed out.
"The Athosians look up in the warmer months to find The Family shining down at them. It gives us hope, that one day we may live in peace without mourning for our fathers, mothers, sons, or daughters." Teyla rolled away from him and onto her stomach. "I envy you, John. You, and the people of Earth," she continued, picking at the strands of grass and tying them into a pattern.
"Well... we're here to fight. You will have that one day," he replied lazily, rolling onto his side, his eyes fluttering closed against the soft skin of her arm. "I'll make sure of it."
He could almost hear her amused smile, but she still leaned in to him, her weight warm and welcome. "Thank you," she whispered, her lips touching his cheek softly.
"I'm sorry, Teyla," he whispers against her door.
There is nothing he can do, what's done is done.
Guilt drives him to his knees, breathless. He sits there in silent vigil outside her door until daybreak, his body exhausted from emotions he's never felt before.
And he wonders, without much hope, if these feelings will ever go away.
Author: iheartkeys & kepp0xy
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Type: Angst
Characters/Pairings: John Sheppard/Teyla Emmagan, Rodney McKay, Jennifer Keller
Spoilers: None.
Word Count: 2,697
Rating: PG-13 for adult content that might upset some readers.
Summary: Teyla goes through a tough ordeal which affects John in the process.
Beta: tater_mae, who also thought up the summary and rating warning. Much love!
Author's Note: Prompt, Stargate: Atlantis, John/Teyla: Secrets - If only, for choc_fic
She puts on a smile when he comes out onto the balcony, his hair ruffling in the slight breeze. She falters when he makes eye contact. Those bright green eyes are sharp and do not miss anything, specifically the confusion and stress evident in the way she is carrying herself. His steps slow and his head is tilted to one side in a silent query.
She looks away, back to the setting sun and the ocean where Atlantis sits. The peace and quiet that dawned since the last Wraith attack is discomforting. There has been too much fighting, too much running away in her life, for her to think that life is unchanging.
"Teyla?"
The concern in his voice stops her breath for a moment. Of course he is concerned, she chides herself.
She meets his eyes again. But she does not know how to begin.
==
"You're fine, Teyla," Dr. Keller said, scribbling one last note on the pad of paper beside her before looking up. "In fact, you're better than fine."
She found it hard to breathe in the spacious infirmary as Keller continued. The lights were blinding, her headache building slowly with each pulse of her heartbeat. How did it happen? They were so careful- apparently not careful enough. She looked up at Keller who still had a smile on her face, though she could see concern shadowing her eyes.
"... options. Now, I'm not encouraging anything, I just have to inform you, Teyla, because ultimately it's your choice, whether..."
This was not what she wanted.
Correction.
This was not something she could afford to have right now.
"... don't have to decide now, Teyla. Perhaps..."
The decision was made long ago, when she made the choice to join the Lanteans.
==
"What's up with Teyla?" Ronon asked, raising his arm and snapping the bottle lid the way he'd been taught after hanging out with the Lanteans late one night. John watched it sail across his room, hitting the pen on his desk and knocking it onto the floor.
"Nice one," John nodded approvingly. He took a sip of his beer before answering. "I don't know. She's been a bit quiet lately, hasn't she? Well, to be fair, she wasn't really a chatterbox in the first place."
"She looked a bit green the last time I saw her."
John nodded slowly. "I noticed that, too. Food poisoning, perhaps?" He snapped his bottle lid in the same direction; it missed his target- the binder clip- and hit the desk lamp's bulb instead. He winced as glass shattered onto the surface. "Ah... oops."
==
"Huh. Why are you here?" Rodney asked, his attention focused on the console in front of him.
Teyla was standing near the side of the dimly lit, circular room, her back against the wall while watching Rodney fumble with the wires and control crystals protruding out of the Ancient device. "General Carter said you might need help."
"Of course she said that," he replied quietly, more to himself than her as he poked several keys on the keyboard. A screen appeared in front of him with words written in Ancient. "Well, I suggest you sit down or something, because I'll be awhile."
A warrior never sits while on duty, but she did not say that aloud. Instead, she let her eyes glaze over, blocking out the flashing lights in front of her as the scientist worked. She could not get Keller's words out of her mind. They haunted her day and night. Much like when she had sensed a Wraith on Atlantis the first time, she was losing sleep over it- she stifled a yawn- but there was nobody she could talk to.
Except for John. Though, perhaps...
"Rodney?" Teyla asked, watching Rodney crouch down to wiggle a crystal loose.
"Hmm?"
"How are you and Katie?"
"Good, very good. Great, even." He paused, letting his hands drop from the wires for a second, and smiled. "Yeah, great." The blissful tone in his voice made her smile, a rarity since her visit to the infirmary the other day.
"That is good to hear."
"Hmm." His hands started moving along the crystals again, his eyebrows knitted together in concentration. The crystals were giving off a soft glow which illuminated the scientist like a higher being. It made her nervous, like she was speaking to someone who would judge her actions. "Why do you ask?" he continued, oblivious to her thoughts.
Teyla hooked a loose lock of hair behind her ear, fingering the ends of the golden brown strands. "Do you hope to have a family with her in the future?"
"I don't like kids. And kids don't like me," he stated.
Teyla rolled her eyes and tried again. "What if it was out of your control?"
"What, like an unplanned pregnancy?"
"Yes. Exactly."
"Here on Atlantis?"
"Mm."
Rodney turned around, his eyes aimed towards the ceiling in thought. "As beautiful as Atlantis is, it's just not an ideal place for raising kids. First of all, a huge percentage of the city is still a mystery to us. Second, we are at war. Third--"
"Rodney?" She interrupted.
"Hmm?"
"Unplanned?"
"Oh, Right. Unplanned, eh? Then I guess," he paused, which Teyla found uncharacteristic, but she was grateful for it. Rodney was clearly giving her question careful consideration. "Well, Katie and I... We would handle it. I would never, could never ask her to, you know. And I guess Pegasus isn't that bad. I mean, the Athosians still have children all the time, right?"
Teyla almost smiled at his curt tones, they almost distracted her from her troubles. "Yes, there are still new births. You have babysat several times."
"Don't remind me," he grimaced at her from under the console. "So, it's possible, obviously, just not preferable. Additionally, there's the whole me not liking kids, kids not liking me. They'd probably end up calling Sheppard 'daddy'."
She looked away, trying to breathe normally.
... calling Sheppard 'daddy'...
Rodney was disconnecting his tablet PC from the Ancient console when he suddenly looked up. "Teyla?"
"Yes, Rodney?" She blinked away her thoughts and met his eyes. She immediately wished she hadn't; he had a look of curiosity on his face and his eyes were invading, searching.
"What would you do?"
==
Her eyes flickered shut, her hands resting palms up on her knees. She focused her mind on the simple task of breathing, the rhythm easing her into a peaceable state. Her muscles began to relax, the tension easing slowly from her body, and relief moved sluggishly through her veins. She had feared that her stresses would prevent her from reaching this point.
Teyla's mind slowly began to open: Atlantis, all its corridors and rooms dispersing, in its place a simplicity of understanding and contentment.
But suddenly, her abdomen contracted sharply, a pain and emptiness spurting through her body, faster than a lightning bolt. Teyla heaved forwards, narrowly avoiding the flame of the candle by rolling to the side at the last moment.
She laid on the floor of the gym, panting, for several minutes before she could regain her mind. The pain she had felt was not real in the sense that something had gone wrong within her, but it was an illusion set out from the opening of her mind... A manifestation she feared but would not face.
Teyla sucked in a breath and wished, not for the first time but never so vehemently, that she had more female confidants. While she trusted her team-mates and she had a few friends on base, none of them were close enough for her to trust this to- and she was not yet prepared to tell John. Had she been with an Athosian, it would have been an acceptable issue to discuss amongst her people, but John was not of her people, and while they had affection for him on principle, Teyla was not certain this would be tolerable.
She pulled herself back to a sitting position and held her arm across her stomach. She watched the flame and tried to sink back into a meditative state.
==
"It-" he starts, his face distorting into a multitude of emotions. She watches as confusion became fear, and then fear into trouble, before returning to confusion. "Are you sure?"
"I am positive," she whispers with a single nod. Even though he is standing beside her, she feels alone, and she makes this apparent by wrapping her arms around her stomach, her eyes straying towards the ocean once more. The silence that follows does not help her unease as she rubs her arms for warmth.
"I went to see Dr. Keller," she continues, just for something to say. She does not miss the sharp intake of his breath and wishes, just this once, that the power the Wraith genes she possesses could give her insight to his mind.
John shifts until he is comfortable, or rather, less uncomfortable before speaking. "I- I don't know what to say," he blurts, his eyes squinting together in apology. "When...?"
"Two weeks ago."
"Took you that long to tell me?"
She is not sure whether he is joking or not, the tone of his voice flat and devoid of any emotion. Guilt shoots through her; if only he knew how many sleepless nights she had these past fourteen days, looking for the right words and imagining his reaction.
"John..."
He is staring at the floor now and chewing on his lip. "Teyla," he starts, and she hears the pain in his voice. "We can't-"
"I know."
==
"I thought today was for your rest," Teyla mumbled into the pillow. His alarm had started blaring a few seconds earlier, pulling them both out of deep - if not mildly uncomfortable given the bed's size - sleeps.
She heard the slap of fingers on plastic and the annoying sounds ended. "It is. Just forgot to turn the damn thing off." John flopped back over, slipping a hand around her waist. "Problem solved, back to sleep." He pressed his lips into her hair. Teyla flicked her eyes shut again, trying to ignore the way the sun shone brightly through John's window and crossed their pillows. After a few minutes, and deciding that she was thoroughly awake, she ran her fingers through the dark bristles of his arm encircling her waist. "Go to sleep, Teyla," he muttered, breath blowing lightly against her neck.
Teyla carefully rotated in the bed, to many of John's grunts and groans, and more than a few irritated "what are you doing?"s before she slipped her hands along his stomach, fingers dancing lightly along the sensitive skin over his ribs. "I cannot get back to sleep." She traced lines with her hands before applying her lips and tongue to the task and it wasn't long for him to join in the teasing too.
Teyla relished being the only woman at Atlantis to know which caress would send him moaning, what kind of kiss would have him keeping her face securely in place wanting more and more and more, where each and every one of his arousal spots were, and knowing that John longed for no other woman than her to use that knowledge. She only enjoyed one other fact more: that he could return those actions in kind.
It was a playful competition, who could illicit the strongest response first. Both were breathless, with faint smiles on their faces when John finally rolled onto his back and tugged Teyla on top of him. "Feeling lazy?" she asked, her smile turning slightly mocking, shifting herself to have her thighs pressed tightly against his hips.
"Well, it is my day off," he responded, thumbing circles on her hip bones. He bucked beneath her in desperate invitation and she obliged, sinking slowly onto him and enjoying the sensation of their bodies melding. She tilted her head back as John thrust beneath her, and she rotated her hips in response. His fingers slipped into Teyla's hair, grasping convulsively before tugging her face down for kiss after sloppy kiss, their rhythm increasing until Teyla's body seemed to hum.
His release followed shortly after hers, a low growl in his throat shuddering through her lips.
==
She peers up at him and squeezes his hand. "It will be okay," she murmurs encouragingly.
"Yeah, yeah. It'll be okay," he repeats, pulling his hand away from hers. The loss of his touch hurt her more than it should have, but she hides it by turning to the door. "Now?" he chokes, stumbling after her before the balcony doors close.
His hesitation has her wondering, and she stops in the middle of the hallway, torn between going and staying. She tells him the truth.
"If I do not go now, I might not have the strength later."
==
John stands beside Teyla like a statue, wondering why he didn't leave when Teyla and Keller offered him that window of opportunity. He looks around the empty infirmary, fear and discomfort clutching his heart.
It's unfortunate that it has to be this way, but they both agree it is for the best. The lives they lead put them in danger almost daily, if not hourly.
Teyla's grip on his hand tightens, pulling him out of his thoughts.
"You okay?" he whispers softly, his voice oddly loud in his ears. He steals a glance at Keller, who is oblivious to their conversation. He fights to keep the wince off his face again, as his eyes take in the way Teyla's feet are secured in what are - to his mind, anyway - freezing metal stirrups, her legs forced apart, spread wide, so that Keller can have access to... He swallows hard. John doesn't know the details of the procedure, or why the hell Teyla would opt for the one that keeps her awake, but his mind created and is creating detailed imagery of what might be going on and his un-held hand spasms, even as his stomach takes an unpleasant dive.
"Mm." Teyla gives him a weak smile and another stab of guilt pierces his heart. Always trying to make him comfortable, even when it ought to be the other way around. He can't look at her anymore and looks instead at her smooth, flat stomach.
If they'd only had the luxury to wait the nine months... The scene would be the exact same but for a completely different outcome. A muscle in his jaw clenches and something in his heart harden. It was a life he can't have, neither of them can, not right now.
But God, he wants it.
He drags his eyes away to find hers on him still, the deep browns fighting to mask everything he's afraid of seeing.
==
It's late when he leaves her side, the night sky above Atlantis bright with stars in patterns Teyla had pointed out to him during one of their many trips to the mainland. His eyes immediately find the cluster of stars representing 'Father, Mother and Child', a particular constellation Teyla had pointed out.
"The Athosians look up in the warmer months to find The Family shining down at them. It gives us hope, that one day we may live in peace without mourning for our fathers, mothers, sons, or daughters." Teyla rolled away from him and onto her stomach. "I envy you, John. You, and the people of Earth," she continued, picking at the strands of grass and tying them into a pattern.
"Well... we're here to fight. You will have that one day," he replied lazily, rolling onto his side, his eyes fluttering closed against the soft skin of her arm. "I'll make sure of it."
He could almost hear her amused smile, but she still leaned in to him, her weight warm and welcome. "Thank you," she whispered, her lips touching his cheek softly.
"I'm sorry, Teyla," he whispers against her door.
There is nothing he can do, what's done is done.
Guilt drives him to his knees, breathless. He sits there in silent vigil outside her door until daybreak, his body exhausted from emotions he's never felt before.
And he wonders, without much hope, if these feelings will ever go away.