fic & mix; new york, or here
this is going to be my last mix for... I'm not going to say ever, obviously, but certainly a while. I love making mixes but they take up so much time and i just dont have that focus anymore. I do still regularly post songs to songrecs.tumblr.com though, so feel free to follow me there.
I'm so glad this mix is the one i'm choosing to go out on though because i can fairly safely say this is my favourite mix i've ever done. I'm so happy with it; the feel of it, the tone of it... i've never had such a personal attachment to a mix before, and i'm really happy with how the fic turned out too which is probably the first time that has ever happened to me. I'm really really proud of this one, guys.
title: new york, or here
subject: will/rachel
rating: PG
spoilers/warnings: none
wordcount: -3000
summary: one year after graduation, rachel berry finds (loses) herself in new york city. will shuester stays (waits) behind.
notes: think of this as a 2CD mix, but i've interspersed the songs below purely to accompany the fic. rachel's songs are on the left, will's are on the right. you'll see that the POV of the fic alternates every other section too for reasons that will hopefully become increasingly apparent as the fic goes on.
further notes/explanation at the end.
(I hope the format of this post isn't too confusing to look at, I couldn't think of a better way to do it.)
joshua radin; winter
I should know who I am by now
I walk the record stands somehow
thinking of winter
your name is the splinter inside me
while I wait
The line crackles underneath the hollow ringing tone; Rachel’s unsure whether it’s because she’s calling from New York to Ohio, or whether it’s another reminder of how below-average her apartment building is.
In the split-second of silence between the phone being picked up and a voice coming over the line, Rachel momentarily considers slamming the handset down and forgetting this whole silly thing. But then he speaks, and she can’t find the heart to end the call on him now.
“Hello?”
“Mr. Schue? It’s me… Rachel Berry.” Realistically she knows he must remember her, it’s only been a year since she last saw him after all, but her breath holds anyway until she hears him repeat her name; a smile rounding off each syllable.
“How are you? Wow, it’s good to hear from you! How’s New York?”
Rachel smiles with genuine warmth spreading through her bones; just the sound of his voice makes her miss home in ways her fathers never can.
She made the right choice in calling him, she thinks.
augustana; sunday best
and I think about you all the time
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder why you never cry
when Boston's always raining
and we never ever seemed alive
I sung about you once now
I guess I might as well
“One of the kids sang Defying Gravity today.”
“Did they reach the bar set by my exceptionally high-standard performance?”
Will laughs quietly into the receiver; lost in memory, “Not even close.”
anna nalick; catalyst
L.A. lights never shine quite as bright as in the movies
still wanna go
there's something here
in the way, in the way that we're constantly moving
reminds you of home
She tells him about New York. How she is still surprised daily by the high rise buildings silhouetting against the morning sun, and how she thinks she has yet to pass the same person on the streets more than once.
Will chuckles and reminds her of the time she and Kurt had gotten themselves very, very, lost in this city when they were here for Nationals three years ago, giving him a small heart-attack and a taxi fare almost equal to his years salary.
“I don’t get lost anymore,” she lies.
bell x1; eve, the apple of my eye
now this applies both equally to you and I
the only thing we share
is the same sky
these empty metaphors
they're all in vain
like can't you see the grass is greener where it rains
“Sorry I didn’t call last week, Sue had my phone-line cut off.” It’s only after the words have left his mouth that he finds himself wondering when these calls with Rachel started being a weekly routine; one worthy of an apology if broken.
“That’s okay. Why did she do that?” Rachel asks; a frown of distinguished disapproval in her voice.
“Why does Sue do anything?”
Her laugh is different from what he remembers. Rare. It echoes down long corridors and an empty choir room in Will’s mind.
He finds himself trying to be the cause of it sounding more often.
lykke li; tonight
watch my back so I make sure
you're right behind me as before
yesterday the night before tomorrow
dry my eyes so you won't know
dry my eyes so I won't show
I know you're right behind me
“What’s Julliard like?”
Rachel can still hear the grin in his words and for a second she envisions telling him the truth, hearing that smile disappear from his lips as she tells him how desperately lonely she truly is; how all the teachers make her beg for having Mr. Schue trying to ruin her future career over and over again instead; how the other students choose to ignore her completely - not even acknowledging her presence, and how it hurts more than the emotional impact of a raspberry slushie to the face ever could.
“It’s great! My talent is finally getting the proper treatment and respect it deserves.” Rachel worries her bottom lip between her teeth, “N-not that you did a bad job, Mr. Schue, I just meant- Well. A public high school in Ohio simply does not have adequate-”
“It’s okay, Rachel,” he laughs, “I know what you meant. I'm glad you’re getting the attention you rightfully deserve.”
She nods purposefully, disregarding the fact that he can’t see it.
jimmy eat world; invented
could we meet? show me all the things you see?
I'm one more here
some old-timer pioneer
who believes with shaken faith
I still have some cool
I could leave you here with your 'people'
if I'm a flag you'd not prefer to wave
you're always in my head
you're just what I wanted
I live in constant debt
to feel you, invented
They’ve talked about Will going to visit her a few times, but his work schedule and her Julliard schedule don’t leave much room for leniency.
Will thinks about it in-between classes though, sat staring at a calendar hanging lonely on the wall of his office. He thinks about how much he wants to see Rachel; see if she’s changed as much as it sounds like she has. He idly wonders over the streets she walks everyday; what they look like; what buildings she passes.
“I was thinking,” He blurts out that evening when they next speak, “maybe I could come visit you next summer break. I know that that’s months away, but-”
“That’d be great,” she exhales.
The very next day, Will writes a note on the last page of the same calendar with a gold pen.
umbrellas; city lights
if you see me at midnight
walking the streets
you'll know it's me for I cannot sleep
I've pushed away the dreams
and spoiled the quiet
I'm propelled by fear
and not the righteous
so have you been to a place like this?
to see your breath as it paints against the sky
the fever is near
I wish you were here
When he says he’s never been prouder of anyone before, Rachel has to press a shaky hand over the mouth of the receiver to choke back a sob.
i am kloot; down at the front
this town's got too small
for all of us here
so we crawl the walls
till we disappear
we disappear
I've got what you want
I've got what you need
down at the front
just you and me
“I went to that restaurant the other day - remember? The one we all went to before National’s and Tina threw up in the bathroom.”
“I remember. You didn’t like the breathing exercises I recommended to calm her nerves.”
“No offense Will, but whilst those exercises you suggested do have some merit, I find the one I demonstrated serves a much greater purpose in relaxation.”
Will had thrown his hands up at her in frustration that day (the nerves had started getting the better of him too, but it certainly hadn’t been the first time.) The kids in Glee Club now are great - more than great - but they’re… quiet. They challenge him on how long practice should run for and which most recently released song they want to sing, but never on his teaching choices. Never on his very being.
Not like her.
“I saw Puck yesterday. He’s just started work in a record shop in town.” It’s not all that Will had hoped he’d go on to achieve but he’s proud of the music connection at least.
“That’s… great!” Rachel enthuses, however Will’s known her for a long time now and he recognizes the hesitation in her voice instantly.
“Have you uh, heard from any of the others?”
“N-No. But it’s okay. We’re obviously all very busy on our respective paths in life.”
Will runs a hand across the stubble covering his jaw, wondering whether he should placate her with soft assurances that the others mean well and will no doubt get in touch with her as soon as they can. But then she says, “Hold on one moment please, Will,” as the doorbell of her apartment sounds the arrival of a male voice and he suddenly remembers that she’s not a kid anymore. Not at all.
rosi golan ft. william fitzsimmons; hazy
you don't know this now but
there's somethings that needs to be said
and it's all that I can hear
it's more than I can bear
what if I fall and hurt myself
would you know how to fix me?
what if I went and lost myself
would you know where to find me?
if I forgot who I am
would you please remind me?
oh, 'cause without you, things go hazy
The conversation eventually starts to lull and Rachel realizes with a start that they’ve been talking for almost two hours. The next realization throbs like a heavy weight under her ribcage; this is the longest she’s spent speaking to anyone since she left high school.
Even then, she didn’t exactly have a pick of conversational partners. Admittedly, by graduation she had become somewhat close to both Mercedes and Kurt, and they had spent many late-night sleepovers discussing the most romantic movies of all time, but it was only that or…
Or the times she regularly spent in the choir room after Glee practice, helping Mr. Schue stack all the chairs that were left haphazardly dotted around the room by the other members.
It had started one afternoon when she’d desperately needed to discuss something with Mr. Schue, the topic of which she can’t even recall now but- Somehow it had become a habit. One she thoroughly enjoyed in hindsight.
Remembering the joyful ringing of his laugh as she had sat at the piano recounting the story of why her fathers had sacked her old piano teacher, Rachel thinks maybe he had enjoyed it just as much as she had.
It belatedly stings a little bittersweet that she suddenly needs to express just how much she misses those conversations, but doesn’t quite know how.
snow patrol; an olive grove facing the sea
so let me go out there
I can breathe fresh air
stay with you all night
just let me love you
just for a while
I want to be with you all night
be with you all night
until I fall asleep
just let me be here
I won't tell anyone
One night Shannon takes Will drinking and he doesn’t get home until the clock on his cell phone blinks 2AM. He navigates his way to his bed in a drunken haze; throat burning and heart aching.
The contrast of his phone screen illuminating against the ceiling makes him think of Rachel in some pathetically symbolic way and he’s unexpectedly overcome with the desire to talk to her.
Thankful that she didn’t run far enough for there to be a time difference (as if that somehow excuses him for calling her at 2AM), Will dials the familiar digits before his very sober conscious can kick in.
The ringing lasts forever. Will’s stomach starts to roll uncomfortably at the thought that she might not be in her apartment.
“Hello? Will?”
He breathes a sigh of overwhelming relief that he makes a note not to question too deeply when her sleep-laden voice comes through the line.
“Hi. I- Rach… Hi.”
“Is everything okay? What’s happened?” There’s a hint of panic in her voice and it inappropriately makes him want to laugh hysterically.
“No, no, everything’s… everything’s fine.”
“…Will, you’re calling me at 2AM.”
He winces, realizing that he probably woke her up, “I'm sorry. If I woke you. Um, up.”
“It’s fine. Are you okay?”
“I-” he pauses to consider his answer. Calling an ex-student at 2AM in the morning probably means he’s not entirely okay, if he’s being honest. “No. I don’t know. I just needed to talk to you. I missed you.”
His words hang deafeningly in the air between them, like they both know he’s saying things he didn’t mean to say.
“I'm here.”
unity; i love you
when i'm too sad to write the saddest song
and the blackness of night lasts too long
too long
I come and I lie down next to you
you whisper sleeping words to me
so bright and true
so true
and I won't go down without a fight
I gotta make it through this night to you
and there's one thing that I realised
it takes a day to make the night seem true
tears come to my eyes
but I don't cry
I just wonder why I never tell you
The windows of Rachel’s apartment are dark now. She hasn’t moved off the sofa since she picked up the phone earlier in the evening.
“I'm so sorry Rachel, I've kept you on the phone for ages; you probably have studying to do or friends to hang out with.”
“No!” She clears her throat noisily to dismiss her hasty reply, “No, I mean, I don’t have anything else to do. Unless, I mean, do you?”
Rachel’s never felt this shy around Mr. Schue before. Usually she just talks and expects him to be listening, but for some reason, this time she desperately needs to know that he wants to be talking to her.
“No. Well, I should be grading some papers, but honestly I’d much rather be talking to you.” Rachel feels her stomach twist pleasurably at his admission. “Is that okay?”
“Yes!” He laughs at her fervor, making her blush. “I mean that this is nice. Talking to you again.”
“…I've missed you too, Rach.”
She tells herself the reason her eyes start stinging is simply because they’re still adjusting to the lack of light, and blinks the sensation away.
neverending white lights; i hope your heart runs empty
if any moment should take you away, I know I'll always have this one
this one, this one, this one
of any moment, ever stolen, don't take this one
as my heart runs empty now I realize
what I want would never surface otherwise
I hope your heart runs empty and you realize
hold on to this hope, hold on to this hope
hold on to all my hope, and my faith
'cause I don't wanna leave, I don't wanna leave from your life
because I wanna see, that nothing is faded
that nothing could change it
“Will?”
“Yeah, Rach?”
He has to strain his ears to hear her next words despite the silence around them both, “Do you think I made the right decision? Coming here?”
Will blinks up at his ceiling considering all the answers he could give her; the right one, the wrong one, the honest one… The truth. “I think you did what you needed to do.”
“Even if it meant losing other things I needed?”
He closes his eyes, swallowing loudly in his empty bedroom. “You haven’t lost anything, Rach.”
athlete; street map
I would like someone to make a map
mark my home and draw some lines that match
all of the reasons why
it can be like you said
one day it's gonna happen
I don't know when
I'll be on your street
but i know one day it's gonna happen
“I saw your Dads the other day in the supermarket.”
“Did you? I miss them.”
“They talked about you. They miss you too. More than the odd phone call cures, Rachel. Maybe you should come back and visit them sometime. And me.”
“I will,” Rachel promises vehemently. “I just can’t. Not yet.” Not until she’s made something of herself like she said she would.
Mr. Schue’s deep sigh is audible and Rachel wonders just how often her Dads speak to him about her. She abruptly realizes that when she left, he probably took the brunt of their questions and confusion before she had first called them a week after leaving only a note behind.
“I'm sorry,” she says quietly, hoping he understands.
“It’s okay.”
glen hansard & marketa irglova; when your mind's made up
so
if you ever want something
and your call comes
then I'll come running
to fight
and I'll be at your door
when there's nothing
worth running for
Rachel mentions that she has a week’s break from school coming up; Will doesn’t even hesitate before suggesting that she come back to Lima to visit for a few days. He even offers for her to stay with him if she isn’t quite ready to face her Dads yet.
“I- I can’t. I'm sorry.”
“Why not?” He doesn’t understand. He thought that she’d want to see him; he wants to see her. He thought they were… something.
“I just can’t, Will.”
He feigns tiredness and hangs up a few moments later. It’s the shortest conversation they’ve ever had, and perhaps he’s behaving selfishly but he’s hurt and confused.
He lasts three days of ignoring her calls before he picks up the phone again, dialing her number in the blink of an eye.
She cries down the phone, voice cracking through apologies, “I'm sorry. I didn’t mean I didn’t want to see you. I want to but- Please.”
“It’s okay, hey, hey, it’s okay. It’s me - I'm sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you like that. I know you’re not ready to come back here, Rach.”
Will does his best to keep reminding himself that it’s not because of him that she’s gone and that he supports her decision fully, but he’s always been far too good at feeling sorry for himself and it ends up cutting more than it should.
bon iver; skinny love
come on skinny love just last the year
pour a little salt we were never here
my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer
I tell my love to wreck it all
cut out all the ropes and let me fall
“You were always destined for bigger things. Definitely bigger than Lima, Ohio.”
“What about you, Mr. Schue? You’re more talented than I think you realize sometimes. You could be bigger than there too.”
“I think it’s a little too late for me, Rachel. Besides, I chose something else. I chose you guys.”
“What if that was the wrong choice?”
matt wertz; somebody's gonna love you
everybody is digging for gold
looking for shine in somebody's eyes
I thought I saw a shimmer in yours
so I pulled you in close, held on tight
sometimes you want someone so bad
you tell yourself lies
and hope they'll come true
if love is a thing you can have
I never knew how to give it to you
I know there's someone out there for me
somebody's gonna love you right
but right now it's just you and me
trying to say goodbye
Winter comes, as it always does, and with the long nights and dark mornings, Will finds his phone calls to Rachel getting shorter.
At first he blames it on the depressing sense of loneliness that always seems to linger at this time of year, and the avoidance of long conversations that just seem to make him miss her more. As December rolls round however and the festiveness of Christmas starts to hang in the air, it becomes clear that missing her has nothing to do with how often they talk or not, and everything to do with the fact that she’s just not here.
Neither of them mentions their Christmas plans when they do catch up - Will doesn’t actually have any anyway (he’d been invited over to Rachel’s Dads’ house, funnily enough, but had politely declined), but he can’t bring himself to ask about hers and who she’s spending it with.
On Christmas Eve Will considers calling just to prematurely wish her Merry Christmas, hating himself for waiting for her to call him instead.
He talks himself out of it before he finishes dialing; tired of his life revolving around a phone.
ryan adams; wonderwall
and all the roads we have to walk are winding
and all the lights that light the way are blinding
there are many things that I would like to say to you
but I don't know how
After three hours of catching up, Rachel starts to feel the point in the conversation coming where her and Mr. Schue say goodbye.
She feels awkward and out of place. She doesn’t know whether she should make a promise to call again; doesn’t know whether he wants her to.
Mr. Schue’s voice sounds deeper with tiredness through the receiver burning against Rachel’s right ear. “It was really nice talking to you, Rachel. I'm glad you called.”
“Me too.” She doesn’t say how desperately she needed to talk to him; how hopelessly lost she’s felt recently and how one conversation with him has been like oxygen in her lungs after holding her breath for so long.
Instead, she asks him to tell her Dads how much she misses them the next time he sees them, and wishes his Glee club luck for their upcoming Regional’s competition.
“Goodnight, Rachel.”
“Goodnight, Mr. Schue.”
iwan rheon; where we started
I threw my life away
to walk you home
your makeup fades away
bright lights and rows
my ears ring
oh I could sing out loud
I threw my life away
to walk you home
'cause it’s all I know
to feel like something
Will’s heater gives out a few days before the New Year. He moves into a motel until he can get someone round to fix it. He picks the cheapest motel in town and it tells in the shitty television reception and the stains on the ceiling.
“How are you? We haven’t spoken in a while.” He calls her for the first time in three weeks from a payphone in the parking lot.
“Tired,” he exhales.
“Me too.” His boots crunch brokenly against the gravel at his feet. “I miss you.”
A car pulls in, bright headlights shining directly into his eyes, “Me too, Rach. Me too.”
They part a short while later, neither making a promise to call again. (I chose something else.)
bon iver; re: stacks
in the back and the racks and the stacks of your load
in the back with your racks and you're unstacking your load
this is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization
it's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away
She brings the receiver away from her face, blissfully cool air hitting her ear when she hears him speak again.
“Rachel, wait- Don’t- Don’t be a stranger. Pick up the phone every once in a while, okay?”
“Okay,” she smiles; a promise.
Four days later she dials his number again.
jeff pianki; new york or here
love will surround you my dear
in the autumn or spring
in New York or here
no matter how cold or distant some days may appear
just know love is all around you my dear
and memories will fade away
the rainstorms in April might last into May
though your head will grow tired and full of dismay
the love that surrounds you will stay
Fall stubbornly kicks in eventually. Will has long since left the motel behind, the heater in his apartment working perfectly once more.
In April, Will is half-heartedly searching through drawers for a report for Figgins, going through the monotonous motions of a job he once lived for, when he happens to glance at a calendar that has long-since gone out of date on the wall opposite. He hears his Glee kids enter the choir room, their voices echoing loudly. Still he stands there, coffee cup cooling in his palm.
Summer is coming soon, he remembers.
-END
DOWNLOAD: rachel's mix | will's mix
notes:
so, why the separate sides of the mix, I hear you ask? well, aside from the fact that 20 songs is arguably much too big for one download, I made the choice to do that because whilst the songs ultimately represent interlocking scenes (as seen above), they are not telling the same story. At no point in this story do will and rachel physically cross paths - they're never even in the same city; they are separated the whole time and i think keeping the songs separate illustrates that point i'm trying to make a little better.
also - what I reallyreallyreally hope I managed to make the reader realise through reading the fic.... Will and Rachel's different POV's are in completely different timelines. Rachel's POV covers the very first phone conversation. Will's POV covers many phone conversations over months.
(or, it's just me trying to be far too over-artistic for what is essentially, a mixtape documenting a fictional story about fictional characters. :'>)
I'm so glad this mix is the one i'm choosing to go out on though because i can fairly safely say this is my favourite mix i've ever done. I'm so happy with it; the feel of it, the tone of it... i've never had such a personal attachment to a mix before, and i'm really happy with how the fic turned out too which is probably the first time that has ever happened to me. I'm really really proud of this one, guys.
title: new york, or here
subject: will/rachel
rating: PG
spoilers/warnings: none
wordcount: -3000
summary: one year after graduation, rachel berry finds (loses) herself in new york city. will shuester stays (waits) behind.
notes: think of this as a 2CD mix, but i've interspersed the songs below purely to accompany the fic. rachel's songs are on the left, will's are on the right. you'll see that the POV of the fic alternates every other section too for reasons that will hopefully become increasingly apparent as the fic goes on.
further notes/explanation at the end.
(I hope the format of this post isn't too confusing to look at, I couldn't think of a better way to do it.)
joshua radin; winter
I should know who I am by now
I walk the record stands somehow
thinking of winter
your name is the splinter inside me
while I wait
The line crackles underneath the hollow ringing tone; Rachel’s unsure whether it’s because she’s calling from New York to Ohio, or whether it’s another reminder of how below-average her apartment building is.
In the split-second of silence between the phone being picked up and a voice coming over the line, Rachel momentarily considers slamming the handset down and forgetting this whole silly thing. But then he speaks, and she can’t find the heart to end the call on him now.
“Hello?”
“Mr. Schue? It’s me… Rachel Berry.” Realistically she knows he must remember her, it’s only been a year since she last saw him after all, but her breath holds anyway until she hears him repeat her name; a smile rounding off each syllable.
“How are you? Wow, it’s good to hear from you! How’s New York?”
Rachel smiles with genuine warmth spreading through her bones; just the sound of his voice makes her miss home in ways her fathers never can.
She made the right choice in calling him, she thinks.
augustana; sunday best
and I think about you all the time
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder why you never cry
when Boston's always raining
and we never ever seemed alive
I sung about you once now
I guess I might as well
“One of the kids sang Defying Gravity today.”
“Did they reach the bar set by my exceptionally high-standard performance?”
Will laughs quietly into the receiver; lost in memory, “Not even close.”
anna nalick; catalyst
L.A. lights never shine quite as bright as in the movies
still wanna go
there's something here
in the way, in the way that we're constantly moving
reminds you of home
She tells him about New York. How she is still surprised daily by the high rise buildings silhouetting against the morning sun, and how she thinks she has yet to pass the same person on the streets more than once.
Will chuckles and reminds her of the time she and Kurt had gotten themselves very, very, lost in this city when they were here for Nationals three years ago, giving him a small heart-attack and a taxi fare almost equal to his years salary.
“I don’t get lost anymore,” she lies.
bell x1; eve, the apple of my eye
now this applies both equally to you and I
the only thing we share
is the same sky
these empty metaphors
they're all in vain
like can't you see the grass is greener where it rains
“Sorry I didn’t call last week, Sue had my phone-line cut off.” It’s only after the words have left his mouth that he finds himself wondering when these calls with Rachel started being a weekly routine; one worthy of an apology if broken.
“That’s okay. Why did she do that?” Rachel asks; a frown of distinguished disapproval in her voice.
“Why does Sue do anything?”
Her laugh is different from what he remembers. Rare. It echoes down long corridors and an empty choir room in Will’s mind.
He finds himself trying to be the cause of it sounding more often.
lykke li; tonight
watch my back so I make sure
you're right behind me as before
yesterday the night before tomorrow
dry my eyes so you won't know
dry my eyes so I won't show
I know you're right behind me
“What’s Julliard like?”
Rachel can still hear the grin in his words and for a second she envisions telling him the truth, hearing that smile disappear from his lips as she tells him how desperately lonely she truly is; how all the teachers make her beg for having Mr. Schue trying to ruin her future career over and over again instead; how the other students choose to ignore her completely - not even acknowledging her presence, and how it hurts more than the emotional impact of a raspberry slushie to the face ever could.
“It’s great! My talent is finally getting the proper treatment and respect it deserves.” Rachel worries her bottom lip between her teeth, “N-not that you did a bad job, Mr. Schue, I just meant- Well. A public high school in Ohio simply does not have adequate-”
“It’s okay, Rachel,” he laughs, “I know what you meant. I'm glad you’re getting the attention you rightfully deserve.”
She nods purposefully, disregarding the fact that he can’t see it.
jimmy eat world; invented
could we meet? show me all the things you see?
I'm one more here
some old-timer pioneer
who believes with shaken faith
I still have some cool
I could leave you here with your 'people'
if I'm a flag you'd not prefer to wave
you're always in my head
you're just what I wanted
I live in constant debt
to feel you, invented
They’ve talked about Will going to visit her a few times, but his work schedule and her Julliard schedule don’t leave much room for leniency.
Will thinks about it in-between classes though, sat staring at a calendar hanging lonely on the wall of his office. He thinks about how much he wants to see Rachel; see if she’s changed as much as it sounds like she has. He idly wonders over the streets she walks everyday; what they look like; what buildings she passes.
“I was thinking,” He blurts out that evening when they next speak, “maybe I could come visit you next summer break. I know that that’s months away, but-”
“That’d be great,” she exhales.
The very next day, Will writes a note on the last page of the same calendar with a gold pen.
umbrellas; city lights
if you see me at midnight
walking the streets
you'll know it's me for I cannot sleep
I've pushed away the dreams
and spoiled the quiet
I'm propelled by fear
and not the righteous
so have you been to a place like this?
to see your breath as it paints against the sky
the fever is near
I wish you were here
When he says he’s never been prouder of anyone before, Rachel has to press a shaky hand over the mouth of the receiver to choke back a sob.
i am kloot; down at the front
this town's got too small
for all of us here
so we crawl the walls
till we disappear
we disappear
I've got what you want
I've got what you need
down at the front
just you and me
“I went to that restaurant the other day - remember? The one we all went to before National’s and Tina threw up in the bathroom.”
“I remember. You didn’t like the breathing exercises I recommended to calm her nerves.”
“No offense Will, but whilst those exercises you suggested do have some merit, I find the one I demonstrated serves a much greater purpose in relaxation.”
Will had thrown his hands up at her in frustration that day (the nerves had started getting the better of him too, but it certainly hadn’t been the first time.) The kids in Glee Club now are great - more than great - but they’re… quiet. They challenge him on how long practice should run for and which most recently released song they want to sing, but never on his teaching choices. Never on his very being.
Not like her.
“I saw Puck yesterday. He’s just started work in a record shop in town.” It’s not all that Will had hoped he’d go on to achieve but he’s proud of the music connection at least.
“That’s… great!” Rachel enthuses, however Will’s known her for a long time now and he recognizes the hesitation in her voice instantly.
“Have you uh, heard from any of the others?”
“N-No. But it’s okay. We’re obviously all very busy on our respective paths in life.”
Will runs a hand across the stubble covering his jaw, wondering whether he should placate her with soft assurances that the others mean well and will no doubt get in touch with her as soon as they can. But then she says, “Hold on one moment please, Will,” as the doorbell of her apartment sounds the arrival of a male voice and he suddenly remembers that she’s not a kid anymore. Not at all.
rosi golan ft. william fitzsimmons; hazy
you don't know this now but
there's somethings that needs to be said
and it's all that I can hear
it's more than I can bear
what if I fall and hurt myself
would you know how to fix me?
what if I went and lost myself
would you know where to find me?
if I forgot who I am
would you please remind me?
oh, 'cause without you, things go hazy
The conversation eventually starts to lull and Rachel realizes with a start that they’ve been talking for almost two hours. The next realization throbs like a heavy weight under her ribcage; this is the longest she’s spent speaking to anyone since she left high school.
Even then, she didn’t exactly have a pick of conversational partners. Admittedly, by graduation she had become somewhat close to both Mercedes and Kurt, and they had spent many late-night sleepovers discussing the most romantic movies of all time, but it was only that or…
Or the times she regularly spent in the choir room after Glee practice, helping Mr. Schue stack all the chairs that were left haphazardly dotted around the room by the other members.
It had started one afternoon when she’d desperately needed to discuss something with Mr. Schue, the topic of which she can’t even recall now but- Somehow it had become a habit. One she thoroughly enjoyed in hindsight.
Remembering the joyful ringing of his laugh as she had sat at the piano recounting the story of why her fathers had sacked her old piano teacher, Rachel thinks maybe he had enjoyed it just as much as she had.
It belatedly stings a little bittersweet that she suddenly needs to express just how much she misses those conversations, but doesn’t quite know how.
snow patrol; an olive grove facing the sea
so let me go out there
I can breathe fresh air
stay with you all night
just let me love you
just for a while
I want to be with you all night
be with you all night
until I fall asleep
just let me be here
I won't tell anyone
One night Shannon takes Will drinking and he doesn’t get home until the clock on his cell phone blinks 2AM. He navigates his way to his bed in a drunken haze; throat burning and heart aching.
The contrast of his phone screen illuminating against the ceiling makes him think of Rachel in some pathetically symbolic way and he’s unexpectedly overcome with the desire to talk to her.
Thankful that she didn’t run far enough for there to be a time difference (as if that somehow excuses him for calling her at 2AM), Will dials the familiar digits before his very sober conscious can kick in.
The ringing lasts forever. Will’s stomach starts to roll uncomfortably at the thought that she might not be in her apartment.
“Hello? Will?”
He breathes a sigh of overwhelming relief that he makes a note not to question too deeply when her sleep-laden voice comes through the line.
“Hi. I- Rach… Hi.”
“Is everything okay? What’s happened?” There’s a hint of panic in her voice and it inappropriately makes him want to laugh hysterically.
“No, no, everything’s… everything’s fine.”
“…Will, you’re calling me at 2AM.”
He winces, realizing that he probably woke her up, “I'm sorry. If I woke you. Um, up.”
“It’s fine. Are you okay?”
“I-” he pauses to consider his answer. Calling an ex-student at 2AM in the morning probably means he’s not entirely okay, if he’s being honest. “No. I don’t know. I just needed to talk to you. I missed you.”
His words hang deafeningly in the air between them, like they both know he’s saying things he didn’t mean to say.
“I'm here.”
unity; i love you
when i'm too sad to write the saddest song
and the blackness of night lasts too long
too long
I come and I lie down next to you
you whisper sleeping words to me
so bright and true
so true
and I won't go down without a fight
I gotta make it through this night to you
and there's one thing that I realised
it takes a day to make the night seem true
tears come to my eyes
but I don't cry
I just wonder why I never tell you
The windows of Rachel’s apartment are dark now. She hasn’t moved off the sofa since she picked up the phone earlier in the evening.
“I'm so sorry Rachel, I've kept you on the phone for ages; you probably have studying to do or friends to hang out with.”
“No!” She clears her throat noisily to dismiss her hasty reply, “No, I mean, I don’t have anything else to do. Unless, I mean, do you?”
Rachel’s never felt this shy around Mr. Schue before. Usually she just talks and expects him to be listening, but for some reason, this time she desperately needs to know that he wants to be talking to her.
“No. Well, I should be grading some papers, but honestly I’d much rather be talking to you.” Rachel feels her stomach twist pleasurably at his admission. “Is that okay?”
“Yes!” He laughs at her fervor, making her blush. “I mean that this is nice. Talking to you again.”
“…I've missed you too, Rach.”
She tells herself the reason her eyes start stinging is simply because they’re still adjusting to the lack of light, and blinks the sensation away.
neverending white lights; i hope your heart runs empty
if any moment should take you away, I know I'll always have this one
this one, this one, this one
of any moment, ever stolen, don't take this one
as my heart runs empty now I realize
what I want would never surface otherwise
I hope your heart runs empty and you realize
hold on to this hope, hold on to this hope
hold on to all my hope, and my faith
'cause I don't wanna leave, I don't wanna leave from your life
because I wanna see, that nothing is faded
that nothing could change it
“Will?”
“Yeah, Rach?”
He has to strain his ears to hear her next words despite the silence around them both, “Do you think I made the right decision? Coming here?”
Will blinks up at his ceiling considering all the answers he could give her; the right one, the wrong one, the honest one… The truth. “I think you did what you needed to do.”
“Even if it meant losing other things I needed?”
He closes his eyes, swallowing loudly in his empty bedroom. “You haven’t lost anything, Rach.”
athlete; street map
I would like someone to make a map
mark my home and draw some lines that match
all of the reasons why
it can be like you said
one day it's gonna happen
I don't know when
I'll be on your street
but i know one day it's gonna happen
“I saw your Dads the other day in the supermarket.”
“Did you? I miss them.”
“They talked about you. They miss you too. More than the odd phone call cures, Rachel. Maybe you should come back and visit them sometime. And me.”
“I will,” Rachel promises vehemently. “I just can’t. Not yet.” Not until she’s made something of herself like she said she would.
Mr. Schue’s deep sigh is audible and Rachel wonders just how often her Dads speak to him about her. She abruptly realizes that when she left, he probably took the brunt of their questions and confusion before she had first called them a week after leaving only a note behind.
“I'm sorry,” she says quietly, hoping he understands.
“It’s okay.”
glen hansard & marketa irglova; when your mind's made up
so
if you ever want something
and your call comes
then I'll come running
to fight
and I'll be at your door
when there's nothing
worth running for
Rachel mentions that she has a week’s break from school coming up; Will doesn’t even hesitate before suggesting that she come back to Lima to visit for a few days. He even offers for her to stay with him if she isn’t quite ready to face her Dads yet.
“I- I can’t. I'm sorry.”
“Why not?” He doesn’t understand. He thought that she’d want to see him; he wants to see her. He thought they were… something.
“I just can’t, Will.”
He feigns tiredness and hangs up a few moments later. It’s the shortest conversation they’ve ever had, and perhaps he’s behaving selfishly but he’s hurt and confused.
He lasts three days of ignoring her calls before he picks up the phone again, dialing her number in the blink of an eye.
She cries down the phone, voice cracking through apologies, “I'm sorry. I didn’t mean I didn’t want to see you. I want to but- Please.”
“It’s okay, hey, hey, it’s okay. It’s me - I'm sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you like that. I know you’re not ready to come back here, Rach.”
Will does his best to keep reminding himself that it’s not because of him that she’s gone and that he supports her decision fully, but he’s always been far too good at feeling sorry for himself and it ends up cutting more than it should.
bon iver; skinny love
come on skinny love just last the year
pour a little salt we were never here
my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer
I tell my love to wreck it all
cut out all the ropes and let me fall
“You were always destined for bigger things. Definitely bigger than Lima, Ohio.”
“What about you, Mr. Schue? You’re more talented than I think you realize sometimes. You could be bigger than there too.”
“I think it’s a little too late for me, Rachel. Besides, I chose something else. I chose you guys.”
“What if that was the wrong choice?”
matt wertz; somebody's gonna love you
everybody is digging for gold
looking for shine in somebody's eyes
I thought I saw a shimmer in yours
so I pulled you in close, held on tight
sometimes you want someone so bad
you tell yourself lies
and hope they'll come true
if love is a thing you can have
I never knew how to give it to you
I know there's someone out there for me
somebody's gonna love you right
but right now it's just you and me
trying to say goodbye
Winter comes, as it always does, and with the long nights and dark mornings, Will finds his phone calls to Rachel getting shorter.
At first he blames it on the depressing sense of loneliness that always seems to linger at this time of year, and the avoidance of long conversations that just seem to make him miss her more. As December rolls round however and the festiveness of Christmas starts to hang in the air, it becomes clear that missing her has nothing to do with how often they talk or not, and everything to do with the fact that she’s just not here.
Neither of them mentions their Christmas plans when they do catch up - Will doesn’t actually have any anyway (he’d been invited over to Rachel’s Dads’ house, funnily enough, but had politely declined), but he can’t bring himself to ask about hers and who she’s spending it with.
On Christmas Eve Will considers calling just to prematurely wish her Merry Christmas, hating himself for waiting for her to call him instead.
He talks himself out of it before he finishes dialing; tired of his life revolving around a phone.
ryan adams; wonderwall
and all the roads we have to walk are winding
and all the lights that light the way are blinding
there are many things that I would like to say to you
but I don't know how
After three hours of catching up, Rachel starts to feel the point in the conversation coming where her and Mr. Schue say goodbye.
She feels awkward and out of place. She doesn’t know whether she should make a promise to call again; doesn’t know whether he wants her to.
Mr. Schue’s voice sounds deeper with tiredness through the receiver burning against Rachel’s right ear. “It was really nice talking to you, Rachel. I'm glad you called.”
“Me too.” She doesn’t say how desperately she needed to talk to him; how hopelessly lost she’s felt recently and how one conversation with him has been like oxygen in her lungs after holding her breath for so long.
Instead, she asks him to tell her Dads how much she misses them the next time he sees them, and wishes his Glee club luck for their upcoming Regional’s competition.
“Goodnight, Rachel.”
“Goodnight, Mr. Schue.”
iwan rheon; where we started
I threw my life away
to walk you home
your makeup fades away
bright lights and rows
my ears ring
oh I could sing out loud
I threw my life away
to walk you home
'cause it’s all I know
to feel like something
Will’s heater gives out a few days before the New Year. He moves into a motel until he can get someone round to fix it. He picks the cheapest motel in town and it tells in the shitty television reception and the stains on the ceiling.
“How are you? We haven’t spoken in a while.” He calls her for the first time in three weeks from a payphone in the parking lot.
“Tired,” he exhales.
“Me too.” His boots crunch brokenly against the gravel at his feet. “I miss you.”
A car pulls in, bright headlights shining directly into his eyes, “Me too, Rach. Me too.”
They part a short while later, neither making a promise to call again. (I chose something else.)
bon iver; re: stacks
in the back and the racks and the stacks of your load
in the back with your racks and you're unstacking your load
this is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization
it's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away
She brings the receiver away from her face, blissfully cool air hitting her ear when she hears him speak again.
“Rachel, wait- Don’t- Don’t be a stranger. Pick up the phone every once in a while, okay?”
“Okay,” she smiles; a promise.
Four days later she dials his number again.
jeff pianki; new york or here
love will surround you my dear
in the autumn or spring
in New York or here
no matter how cold or distant some days may appear
just know love is all around you my dear
and memories will fade away
the rainstorms in April might last into May
though your head will grow tired and full of dismay
the love that surrounds you will stay
Fall stubbornly kicks in eventually. Will has long since left the motel behind, the heater in his apartment working perfectly once more.
In April, Will is half-heartedly searching through drawers for a report for Figgins, going through the monotonous motions of a job he once lived for, when he happens to glance at a calendar that has long-since gone out of date on the wall opposite. He hears his Glee kids enter the choir room, their voices echoing loudly. Still he stands there, coffee cup cooling in his palm.
Summer is coming soon, he remembers.
-END
DOWNLOAD: rachel's mix | will's mix
notes:
so, why the separate sides of the mix, I hear you ask? well, aside from the fact that 20 songs is arguably much too big for one download, I made the choice to do that because whilst the songs ultimately represent interlocking scenes (as seen above), they are not telling the same story. At no point in this story do will and rachel physically cross paths - they're never even in the same city; they are separated the whole time and i think keeping the songs separate illustrates that point i'm trying to make a little better.
also - what I reallyreallyreally hope I managed to make the reader realise through reading the fic.... Will and Rachel's different POV's are in completely different timelines. Rachel's POV covers the very first phone conversation. Will's POV covers many phone conversations over months.
(or, it's just me trying to be far too over-artistic for what is essentially, a mixtape documenting a fictional story about fictional characters. :'>)