What Didn't Last-- A Susan/Peter Fanmix
:
Now: Explicate
1
he counted: it was four years before he felt the way he had... back then.
he woke up, went the kitchen. the day was rainy and there she was, reading the paper.
"war's over," she said, not looking at him, sipping her tea. her hair was in disarray but her legs were crossed, her nails the sheerest shade of peach, barely there. but there, and that was all that mattered.
she looked up when he said nothing and raised an eyebrow.
"you alright?" she asked and then when she caught his eye, she squinted at him, her eyes dangerous, her lips pursed, her gaze ready, pointed, lethal.
"no," she had said. "please, no."
it was too late though.
her mouth tasted like cinnamon tea.
2
they were going to the school dance and she had gone to lacey pearson's house to get her hair curled instead of playing with lucy.
lucy was drawing in the patio when she had come in, her hair tightly curled, bouncing around her face. he glanced up from his book and instantly caught the bright red of her skirt, her nails, her lips.
"oh susan," mum had said. "i can see through your shirt!"
"it's the fashion, mum; don't worry, lacey has a skirt that nearly shows her knickers. it's just the fashion." she caught lucy's eye and winked. lucy just stared at her blankly, blinking.
lucy looked up at him and said, "peter, i think that susan looks best in blue, light blue, like the blue she wore on coronation. that was a lovely blue." lucy went back to drawing, her voice humming a tune that sounded vaguely familar, something that made him want to recline in his chair and fall asleep.
when they left, she said to him, "lucy has got to stop. got to, got to, go to! i can't... she can't keep up these silly illusions."
"a summer in a wardrobe?" he offered.
"a summer of boredom and too much imagination. yes! yes. very silly." she reapplied her lipstick; it took awhile, her hands were shaking.
but when they got to the dance, she left her date and found him in the rear of the school building, having a smoke. they broke a cigarette in half and then, each smoking one end, they stared at the sky.
"i feel like the world is so little sometimes, peter," she said before releasing her cigarette smoke into the air. it trailed languidly before lingering over their heads for a second. then, it dissipated.
he breathed in the smoke and it felt like lead, like leaden velvet. "the world is small; and we all fight, fight, fight for it even though in the end, it will never get any larger, no matter how much we fight. how silly. how stupid."
she turned towards him, he could feel her eyes on the nape of his neck. "not worth fighting for...?"
"who bloody knows, susan? who bloody knows what is and what isn't real, what is and what isn't worth fighting for?" his voice trembled and he bit his lip. he looked at her and her face was pink from dancing and there was sweat trailing from the back of her ear to her shoulder, where her dress had folded back to reveal white lace and sheer satin. she sucked in some cigarette smoke but kept staring at his neck and all he could say to her was, "i just know that i'm angry, susan. and i want to go hit something, want to beat the bloody fucking hell out of something. i'm angry."
she threw her smoke down, extinguishing it with a sharp turn of her heel. her eyes shifted towards his; they were a sharp color of emerald in the warm, dim lighting of the school's streetlight.
"we've got to learn to forget, peter," she whispered.
"forget what?" he leaned back against the steps and shifted his legs; her knees touched his thigh. she took her shoes off and wiped the sweat off the back of her neck.
he recognized it as an invitation. he took it.
her head arched in the air, her voice was raspy and she moved with him against the brick of the school building. "you've grown up, peter. you've..." she gasped, "welcome. welcome to hell. you're a big boy now."
he didn't know what that meant, but he told her to keep saying it, because it frustrated him.
they rode back home in a taxi and she drew patterns on the fog of the window. "forget what, indeed," she mumbled, a slight curl in the corner of her lip.
3
"do you love him?" he asked her one night, after she had come in late once again, her neck covered in small pink bruises.
she looked at him with large eyes. "don't ask me that, peter."
he kissed her in between her eyes and he meant it to be gentle, meant it to brotherly, but it ended up feeling like a gunshot, like a wound.
4
his head hurt while he was packing his bags. he stuffed things in, shoving sweaters into corners of his suitcase. he ignored her knock at the door and after awhile, she went away.
he couldn't forget! he couldn't, couldn't, couldn't!
"damn! damn, damn, damn!" he shouted it and the house went quiet. he heard lucy and edmund shush in their rooms, where they had been chattering away to each other through the thin walls of the house.
when he went out the door, she was sitting at the wall opposite his door. she was folded up like a blanket, like a writing desk, her hands on her knees, her chin in between her legs.
she looked up at him. "i can't go...." she said.
"damn you," he swiftly replied, not bothering to look at her.
they left without exchanging farewells; lucy and edmund got into the taxi without complaint and without too much explanation.
all he could think about was her curled hair, the way her skin tasted like powder and jasmine. that's all he could think about.
the train was running too fast, he was looking out the window, something wasn't right, he knew it in an unconcerned part of his mind.
when he died, he thought damn you, susan pevensie. damn you and the way my throat was scratchy after kissing your lipsticked face. damn you.
damn me. dammit.
5
what he didn’t know, when he was fighting for the end of his new world, she was sitting in her kitchen, looking out the window.
her new black dress was pressed well and she kept smoothing the wrinkles. she sipped her tea, her lips thinly pressed together. the telephone rang but she didn’t answer it, because she knew it was arthur, and although she knew someday she had to marry him (a baby on the way? she wasn’t quite sure yet.) she didn’t want to deal with that now. she didn’t want to talk to him, not now, not when she had wrinkles in her dress, tears in her throat, bitterness in her stomach.
what he didn’t know was that she wrote him notes every friday.
december 28, 1949: dear peter, i saw chrysanthemums today. i thought of you.
july 14, 1950: dear peter, i was married yesterday. my gown was off-white and aunt marge was there. we went to paris for our honeymoon and i thought of you.
march 6, 1952: dear peter, it has been three years. i am still not pregnant. i thought of you today.
i thought of you, i thought of you, i thought of you…
there was one friday she didn’t write. they said it was carbon monoxide poisoning.
“it happens,” they said. “probably went to go listen to the radio; forgot to open the garage door. it happens.”
her will asked for her to be buried in her family plot. arthur obeyed; he was a good man.
6
he doesn't remember when it happened, but one day she made her return. her eyes were sad.
"we don't just skip into different worlds easily," the lion had said. "the soul will always recall impressions, will always be folded in odd ways from the way we used to live, king peter. things change easily but we do not. the soul is forever at the mercy of our past."
he never much liked the lion, but he was a wise lion.
her hands were slender like before, but they were now the natural pink of her skin.
"what happened?" he had asked her, not quite sure what he was asking her, but little flashes of women in black-and-white visions and songs by someone named billie holiday and glimpses of schoolbooks kept him from leaving the question alone.
she just stared at him. "i don't know. i don't know. but i'm here now. is that enough? is it? enough?"
he held her; her lips tasted like lifetimes ago and for once, he was happy, just happy.
"enough," he said. "enough."
fine
01. Complicated-- Waikiki link
Don’t be scared; you know there's no one home
Hit those lights and let your fingers roam
Green eyes glisten when I'm all alone
With you with you
If we made it, we can break it
So let’s get complicated
If we made it, we can break it
02. A Painting By Chagall-- The Weepies link
Everybody says "You can't, you can't, you can't, don't try."
Still everybody says that if they had the chance they'd fly like we do.
03. This is Everything-- Tegan and Sara link
No, don’t know to hold you without shaking
No, I’m not aware of how I could possibly love you without aching [...]
‘Cuz baby, this is the last honest love I’ll ever give
04. You Are My Sister-- Antony and the Johnsons link
We felt so differently then
So similar over the years
The way we laugh the way we experience pain
So many memories
But theres nothing left to gain from remembering
Faces and worlds that no one else will ever know
05. Better-- Regina Spektor link
If I kiss you where it’s sore…
Will you feel better…will you feel anything at all…?
You’re getting sadder, getting sadder, getting sadder, getting sadder
And I don’t understand, and I don’t understand
But if I kiss you where it’s sore…
Will you feel better…will you feel anything at all…?
06. Reptilia-- The Strokes link
Now every time that I look at myself
"I thought I told you
This world is not for you"
The room is on fire as she's fixing her hair
"You sound so angry
Just calm down, you found me"
07. My Morphine-- Gillian Welch link
There was a time she used to treat me fine
But lately she's been acting awful stoned
Makes a man weep alone [...]
Morphine, Morphine, what made you so mean?
You never used to do me like you do
Where's that sweet gal I knew?
08. Storm-- Jose Gonzalez link
Send me your position
It's getting lonely down here
Things I've been up to lately
Have kept me from seeing clear
Why do you keep on running
This love is fading way too fast
All the stars are burning (for you)
But none of them is going to last
So stop chasing the past
09. I Could Never Belong To You-- Sarah Blasko link
I could never belong to you,
Pictures in the family ark,
Faces faded, stories gone,
One sure light from eras dark,
Two by two they all marched on,
But I could never belong to you.
10. Now It's Done-- Straylight Run link
Moving in slow like the smoke
From your cigarette
Every step closer's a step
That we both will regret
Keeping a tally but who can keep track?
Your overreacting is taking me back
To a time better left alone
Holding on to the phone
Holding on to this glass
Holding on to the memory of what didn't last
Waiting for betters words; they'll never come
So dry your eyes, it's better now it's done [...]
I never lost so much
I never lost so much
I never lost so much
11. A King And A Queen-- Okkervil River link
If you want to see and be seen, then be seen.
Your dress is dark red and your opening eyes are bright green.
Make a scene, but don’t lie on the bed, laid out like you’re dead,
Because honey, you’re murdering me [...]
But the best thing for you would be queen, so be queen.
You’re all that I need.
Though I know that it never can be
12. Crowded Train-- Maria Mena link
And I'm stuck on this crowded train
Carrying a world of pain, yeah.
And I'm stuck on this crowded train
Going down, going down, down
13. Ab's Song-- Iron and Wine link
And if I died at twenty-three
Would you bury me in the sunshine?
Please let me know that you’re still mine
Though I’m gone
My love for you is oh-so strong
14. Benediction-- Winterpills link
All the sad boys come home with you
Drape you in garlands and sing their sad songs to you
Pour all their stories like rain through you
All the sad boys come home with you [...]
All the pale grey stars shine through you
Your body fell prey to the transparent mind of you
All blue ghosts search for signs of you
All the pale grey stars shine through you.
15. Don't Explain-- Billie Holiday link
Hush now, don't explain
Just say you'll remain
I'm glad your back, don't explain
Quiet, don't explain
What is there to gain
Skip that lipstick
Don't explain
16. Last Dance-- Sarah McLachlan link
[instrumental]
( full zip (plus covers) )
1| If links are done/bad then tell me and I will surely surely fix them.
2| I think the fanmix and the fanfic are supposed to go together. At least, that's what my insane mind says. So... I don't... really know??
3| I will offer my first-born child to every person who comments. Don't ask about the logistics of that; I will not debate it
4| Yes, I have a sick mind.
5| Enjoy! Yes?