CHINGUX 2014: poker face (1/1) for greytipped
Title: Poker Face
Author: doyouseemeyet
Recipient: greytipped
Pairing/Focus: OT4
Rating: R
Length: 5,821
Summary: Blogs are for girls… and Jongdae’s college stories.
Entry Date: 4/12/2014
Time Posted: 12:44 A.M.
Hello followers, I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while. I want to thank some of you for the e-mails you sent checking to see if I am okay. I am, in fact, okay, just preparing for my graduation from college, WOO! So, since I am preparing for the end of my college career, I want to go back to one of the first college experiences I ever had. You all know my policy about names, I don’t use them to keep the privacy of my friends, so don’t ask! Anyways! It was my freshman year and the fall semester had just started. I decided that I was going to go to a party with my three best friends. One of which I had had the biggest crush on since high school.
"Yeollie," Jongdae slurs in between sips of his drink. The amount of alcohol he had actually consumed was unknown to him, but he knew it was a lot.
"Hey, Jongdae," Chanyeol responded, equally as drunk.
"Let's play a game!"
"Sure!" An excited puppy leapt out of his seat and stumbled over to where Jongdae was sitting.
This was their first college party and although the house was crowded with people, there were only about twelve of them in the small bedroom. Beer cans and red solo cups littered the floor and furniture. Jongdae was sober enough to be grateful for the bathroom in the room otherwise there would be vomit stains as well.
"What are we playing?" Chanyeol asks excitedly, looking around the circle.
"How about 7 minutes in heaven?" Baekhyun proposes. He winks at Kyungsoo, his recent boyfriend. Kyungsoo blushes and hides behind a squealing girl.
Jongdae chugged down the last of his beer bottle and placed it in the center of the circle, "who wants to go first?"
"I do!" Baekhyun squeaked, knowing just what to do with the bottle (after years of practice) to make it land exactly on Kyungsoo. They both stood up and Baekhyun threw him on the bed which received several groans from the crowd.
"Get a room!" Chanyeol screamed throwing an empty cup at them but they were so into each other that they didn’t car. Jongdae cleared his throat, trying to hide the small boner he was getting from seeing Kyungsoo so aggressive.
"I don't think they are coming up for any time soon... So who wants to go next?"
"I'll go," Chanyeol announced, reaching across the floor to grab hold of the bottle. He looked a little sad and Jongdae didn't know why, but he couldn't tell if Chanyeol was actually sad or if his alcohol was playing tricks on him.
Chanyeol spun the bottle pretty solidly for a drunk guy and it took some time before it started to slow. Chanyeol was worrying his lower lip between his teeth while waiting to see who it would land on. He watched as the bottle came to a full stop in front of a very pretty Sehun. She stood up, smoothing out her tight leather skirt before pulling an eager Chanyeol into the small closet. The rest of the group chatted while they waited for the seven minutes to pass. Jongdae stared at the impossibly slow changing minutes on his phone. The second the clock changed he screamed for them to get out.
Chanyeol walked out of the closet, hair ruffled, lips swollen, and shirt pulled out of his pants. He was holding Sehun's hand as they walked out and she blew him a kiss as they took their respective seats in the circle. Chanyeol had a dazed look in his eyes as he carded his fingers through his hair. Jongdae stared at the redness around his mouth, half from the kissing and half from Sehun's lipstick. He felt a pang in his heart that he didn't understand, something he couldn't identify except for maybe sadness.
"My turn!" He said trying to sound excited while his stomach churned at the thought of Chanyeol kissing someone else. He reached across the circle, grabbing the bottle from the center. He sat down on his knees and spun the bottle. He could lie to himself and say it didn’t matter who it landed on, but he knew that he was praying to God that it was Chanyeol. The bottle turned quickly at first but then slowed, but it seemed to never stop. Jongdae watched as it went round and round, his heart pounded in his ears. Jongdae closed his eyes, unable to look.
"Well I guess it's me again," a deep voice rumbles next to him. His heart skips a beat as he opens his eyes to see Chanyeol already standing from his seat, hand extended toward Jongdae.
"Hey, Sehun, looks like you've got some competition," a girl next to her says, Jongdae thinks her name is Luhan.
Jongdae takes hold of Chanyeol's large hand. It was warm and strong and he could feel himself swooning at the touch. Chanyeol pulled him up from his seat, and Jongdae couldn't feel his feet. He walked in a daze toward the closet, a feeling of warmth washing over him.
"Get it, Jongdae!" Baekhyun managed to come up for air long enough to scream be for turning back to his boyfriend.
Once inside the dark closet Jongdae turns to face what he thinks is Chanyeol. "We don't have to do anything, if you don-" Jongdae was cut off by heavy lips crushing his own. His mouth was still open from mid-speech and Chanyeol took the opportunity to slip his tongue in, working it smoothly over his teeth. Jongdae pulled away, panting heavily.
"What's wrong?" Chanyeol asks, his fingers tugging him closer by his hair. Chanyeol sucked at the pulse on his neck causing Jongdae to moan.
"Mmm, Baekhyun, I love it when you moan like that," Chanyeol whispered in between biting down on his neck and collar bone. Jongdae felt his heart clench at the name slip, but he wasn't going to stop now. If Chanyeol wanted him to be Baekhyun, that's what he would do. He moaned again for effect and he could feel Chanyeol's boner pressing against his own.
Jongdae could feel the air leave the small closet as he gasped for breath. Chanyeol was palming at his growing member and all he could think about was how good it would feel to have his mouth around him. He pushed back the thought, feeling himself get too excited too quickly. Jongdae lost track of time, caught up in the feeling of Chanyeol’s swollen lips against his own. He knew there were bruises on his neck and wrists. Chanyeol’s rough hands grabbed at him eagerly, pulling at the skin around his hips. He pushed him against the wall and Jongdae could almost feel the imprint of his fingers on his hip bones. He would check for damage later, for now, all that mattered was the burning sensation in his gut. He was so caught up he didn’t hear time being called. Bright light flooded the closet as the door was swung open, an amused Kyungsoo and Baekhyun gaped at the pair in the doorway. Both hard, both swollen and bruised, both too drunk to realize what had just happened. Or at least, that’s what he thought.
It was a rough time for me… and it definitely didn’t get easier in the morning.
The headache pounding behind his left eye was more than enough to wake Jongdae up let alone Chanyeol throwing a pillow at his head. Jongdae groaned from his spot on the floor (the bed was occupied by a very busy Baekhyun and Kyungsoo) he sat up and was met with a cross between gasps and giggles from Baekhyun.
“What’s the matter?” Jongdae asked, he scrunched his eyebrows in confusion, the throbbing in his head got worse as a form of resistance.
“Go look in the mirror.” Kyungsoo’s hand covered his mouth as he tried to hide the quiet snickers.
Jongdae stood up, and doubled over because his head was not having that. When the room stopped spinning he straightened out his back gradually. He looked around the room slowly for a mirror and Baekhyun pointed to the full length one on the closet door. He gasped at the sight of himself. His hair looked like someone had been trying to pull it out; his lips were red and split. His neck was a rainbow of blues and purples and his shirt was torn at the top.
“What happened to me?” He whispered at the mirror. He felt a sharp panging in his lower half and he unbuttoned his shirt to see larger bruises, the size of fingers, pressed into his hips. He slowly brought his fingertips to the sensitive skin and inhaled sharply. His memories from the night before were fuzzy but he knew exactly who had done this to him. Chanyeol.
Chanyeol walked out of the bathroom and threw his head back in uproarious laughter. “What the hell happened to you?” He asked, pointing at the mess that was Kim Jongdae. Kyungsoo and Baekhyun shared a look of puzzlement, but Jongdae just stared at him. He didn’t remember. He didn’t remember because he wasn’t with Jongdae last night, he was with Baekhyun.
That was my amazing ‘first college party’. And let me tell you, it did not get any better from there. Oh my god it was awful. I can’t believe I even did that. I also can’t believe I never told him that it was really me he was with that night. I couldn’t break his heart like that. Even though he was breaking mine. It didn’t matter. Eventually he got what he wanted… and I just kept my mouth shut. I’ve made peace with it. So smile guys, because you never know who else is going to need one. Signing off, Chen.
***
“Hey, Jongdae,” Kyungsoo called as he made his way over to their usual table. Baekhyun and Chanyeol followed close behind, hands interlocked, as per usual. Jongdae shut down his computer, putting it in his case and sliding it into his backpack.
“What were you working on there?” Chanyeol asked curiously as they reached the table.
“Just a research paper for my science capstone. You know how Huang is about his deadlines.” Jongdae brushed off the question even though Chanyeol continued staring at him. Something about his gaze made Jongdae uncomfortable; he squirmed around in his seat, avoiding eye contact. Thank God Baekhyun started asking Chanyeol about something else because Jongdae thought he was going to explode.
“What’s going on with you?” Kyungsoo whispered, squeezing his thigh with his knee.
“Nothing,” Jongdae put on a smile, hoping it was enough to quell Soo’s curiosity. He breathed a little easier when Kyungsoo let go of his leg and Chanyeol was engrossed in q conversation with Baekhyun. He told himself not to worry because they didn’t even know about his blog.
They wrapped up their lunch, empty sandwich containers were piled on the table. Drink bottles were stowed in backpack compartments. They all stood, starting to head in their own separate directions. “Jongdae! Wait up!” Jongdae stopped in his tracks. A cold sweat broke out on his forehead. He tried to calm down his heartbeat and practice a smile as Chanyeol jogged up behind him.
“What’s up, Yeol?” Jongdae asked, trying to keep his voice steady.
“I wanted to ask you something.” His eyes seemed like they knew too much and Jongdae was starting to feel uneasy again.
“Sure, what’s up?”
“Kyungsoo’s birthday is coming up, and I have no idea what to get him. And you two are pretty close, right?” Chanyeol smiled as if everything was okay and Jongdae laughed to mask his relief.
“Sure, I’ll help you. How about we meet after class and go to the book store? His amazon wish list is in the hundreds and I know the campus store carries some of them.”
“Thanks, Jongdae, I’ll see you then.” Chanyeol waved behind him as he ran in a different leaving Jongdae to his own thoughts. He cursed himself for acting so suspiciously but breathed easier knowing that it was only about something silly.
***
Entry Date: 4/14/2014
Time Posted: 8:50 P.M.
So, today my friend (yes the one I have a huge crush on) came up to me after lunch. I was typing up my blog post for today, which has now been entirely rearranged because I just HAD to tell you guys all about this. He was acting particularly strange and all I could think was ‘God, he knows that this is MY blog and he read my blog post from the other night.’ Well, let me start by saying, I am the world’s biggest loser because he only wanted to ask me about roommate’s birthday. So, I wanted to tell you guys some stuff about my roommate. He used to date C’s current boyfriend of three years. (For any of my new followers, C is the name of the boy that I love.) Anyways, it was kind of sad the way they ended, I know my roommate really loved him, and sometimes I think he still does…
"Baekhyun, I can't keep doing this anymore," Kyungsoo says, the ground suddenly becoming more important than his face.
Baekhyun stared at him, breathless, "what?"
"You don't want to be with me anymore," there were fresh tears in Kyungsoo's eyes as he met his own. Baekhyun could see this was hard for him. He watched, waiting to see if he was going to say more. When he didn't say anything else Baekhyun just stared at him, unsure of what to say himself.
"Why do you think that?" He decides that’s a safe response but when he sees the pain in Kyungsoo's eyes he knows what’s coming next.
"Chanyeol," he chokes out, looking away to hide the free falling tears.
"What about him?"
"He loves you," Kyungsoo refuses to meet his eyes at all. He just wipes at the stray tears on his cheeks and the snot that was dripping from his nose. Baekhyun had the urge to comfort him like he always did, but he knew not to touch him right now. He knew he was right.
"But that doesn't mean I love him," Baekhyun says, looking at his hands in his lap.
Kyungsoo's head snapped up, staring at Baekhyun incredulously. "I remember when you were in love with me Baek. I know what it looks like." Kyungsoo had steeled himself for that moment, staring hard into Baekhyun's face. Baekhyun could feeling him boring holes into the top of his head but he just continued folding and unfolding his hands in his lap.
"I'm sorry," he whispers, knowing there is nothing else to say. Kyungsoo was right and they both knew it. The sharp intake of breath at his unspoken confession was still enough to send chills down Baekhyun's spine.
"I still love you, Baekhyun, but I hope you are happy with him. I'll see you in class tomorrow." Kyungsoo walked out of the room. His back was hunched over and he looked tired. It was always too much for him. Baekhyun watched from his bed as he shut the door behind him, almost relieved. It was too much for him too.
My roommate was not himself after that. He practically locked himself in his room except to go to class. He didn’t speak to any of us. It was rough, seeing him like that, I mean. I wanted help. And he was my roommate, my best friend, what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t leave him like that forever, so I made the mistake of trying to help him.
“I expect assignments to be turned into me by the end of the week.” Kyungsoo snickered as he drunkenly mocked his photography teacher. Jongdae, finding the stern impression hysterical burst out into laughter that made him spill his beer all over himself. Both of them stared at the soaked clothing before bursting into another fit, rolling around on their bedroom floor in drunken happiness.
“I mean honestly,” Kyungsoo slurred, “how am I supposed to find an attractive male model by the end of the week? Baekhyun was supposed to do it…” Kyungsoo stared at the inside of his beer can before chugging the rest of the contents. Jongdae positioned himself up on his elbow, his head lolling a bit to the side. He stared at Kyungsoo watching as sadness hit him in waves and then rolled away, flowing back into the corners of his mind. Jongdae knew that the break-up had been hard on him; he was willing to do anything to help.
“What if I model for you?” Jongdae offered, watching Kyungsoo for a response.
“I can’t ask you to do that.”
“But why not? I’m offering! Am I not hot enough?” Jongdae asked teasingly, smirking his smirk that drove his roommate insane. He started beat boxing, terribly, as he pretended to stip. Kyungsoo must have found it the funniest sight because the next thing he knew beer was coming out of his nose. Kyungsoo flopped around on the bed, laughing so hard that no noise came out except for a slight wheeze here and there. Jongdae laughed too, sitting down on the bed next to his friend, his hands tangled in his hair.
“What are you doing?” Kyungsoo asked, sobering up quickly as Jongdae’s hand found the button on his pants.
“You want Baekhyun, I want Chanyeol, but all we have is each other, so why don’t we make something of it?”
“I don’t think we should do this,” Kyungsoo said, shuffling his way up the headboard and out of Jongdae’s grasp.
“Why not?” Jongdae smirked again. “If I’m going to be your model, shouldn’t you be familiar with my body?” He didn’t wait for a response before pressing his mouth against his roommate’s. Lips sliding over each other softly before deepening the kiss.
Kyungsoo pushed him off, “this doesn’t feel right, Jongdae.”
“Then let me make it feel better,” He said, sliding himself down Kyungsoo’s lean body, coming face to face with the small tent in his pants. He loosened his shoulders, bringing his head down, his mouth pressing against the rough denim. He kissed Kyungsoo’s growing member through the fabric, eliciting small moans from his friend. He unbuttoned his pants, pulling them down to is knees. Kyungsoo was fully excited and peeking out from the hole in his boxers. Jongdae leaned in, licking at the fluid pooling in his slit. The sounds that responded were sinful. He moaned as Jongdae took the tip in his mouth, sucking just hard enough to feel the pressure.
Kyungsoo hurriedly helped Jongdae remove his boxers, pulling them down just far enough so that he could stand erect. Jongdae just stared at him in silence; the cold air caused Kyungsoo’s skin to get goose bumps. Kyungsoo reached out to touch himself, feeling self-conscious, but his hand was swatted away. Kyungsoo coughed, feeling uncomfortable under Jongdae’s scrutinizing gaze. He watched in rapt attention as Jongdae put his forefinger in his mouth, slicking it with saliva, the image was so suggestive e that it had Kyungsoo clutching the sheets as the pressure built in his belly. Jongdae could see on his face that he was coming close without even being touched; he pulled his finger out of his mouth and applied pressure with his finger and thumb at the base of his cock. Kyungsoo felt the pressure subside, thankful that he didn’t embarrass himself entirely. Jongdae’s slick finger traveled up from his base to his tip; his nail grazing the vein that ran the underside of his cock. Kyungsoo felt pleasure wash over him in waves of chills.
His heart was pounding his chest and he was sure it was going to pop out at any moment. The thoughts in his head were so loud that they were making him dizzy. His eyelids fluttered closed as his head hit the back of the headboard. He tried to cancel out the accusations in his mind and focus on Jongdae’s lips sliding up and down his hard member. Everything felt wrong. He could feel the soft, warm inside of Jongdae’s mouth on his skin but he couldn’t feel any of the pleasure that went along with it. Tears started to fall from the corners of his eyes, sliding down his face in silent sorrow. Jongdae was pulling faster and harder on his cock, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Kyungsoo’s hips bucked reflexively as he came down the back of Jongdae’s throat. More tears streaming down his face. Jongdae pulled himself up, licking at the white droplets on his lips and chin. He smiled at Kyungsoo who only felt even dizzier. He was gasping for air, feeling choked inside his own mind. Tears kept coming down his face the more he tried to stop them. Sobs wracked his body as memories flooded his vision. He wasn’t in his room anymore, he was with Baekhyun. Wide smiles, pale skin, soft touches, fevered kisses.
“Kyungsoo,” Jongdae’s voice sounded like it was under water. Kyungsoo felt his body being shaken back and forth and his memories faded as he came to. His face was wet with tears and he was cold from being completely exposed. His head was throbbing and he couldn’t tell if it was from his crying or because he was coming down from his orgasm.
“Kyungsoo, what’s wrong?” Jongdae asked, concern written all over his face. He stared into Kyungsoo’s eyes which were pink and swollen almost completely shut.
“I can’t do this to him.” Kyungsoo wiped at the snot spilling from his nose.
“To who?”
“Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo breathed out the name like it has been years since he had spoken it. The name itself caused a dull ache in his heart. Kyungsoo looked up at Jongdae, who seemed confused. “We can’t do this anymore,” Kyungsoo said, watching as Jongdae’s eyes softened.
“Soo,” Jongdae’s voice was soft, and almost pleading. He needed him. Kyungsoo was his best friend in so many ways; he needed him for this too, even if it wasn’t real.
“I’m sorry, Jongdae.” Kyungsoo rubbed the rest of the tears from his eyes. He pulled his pants back up, thankful to be covered. He couldn’t cheat on Baekhyun like this, not with his best friend, not with anyone. He knew Jongdae understood, at least, he hoped he did.
I have to admit, it was kind of a blow to my ego to see him break down like that. I mean, him and his boyfriend had been over for months, his ex had moved on, why couldn’t he? But I had to make myself understand. For his sake. He was my best friend, and I was not going to lose him over a drunken blowjob. I still modeled for him, and let me just tell you, he got an A. All in all, the friendship survived, but I really don’t know how any of us made it through freshman year. Just remember, smile guys, because you never know who else is going to need one. Signing off, Chen.
***
“Have you ever considered blogging?” The question caused Jongdae to choke on his coffee as him and Chanyeol strolled through the campus book store.
“What?” He managed to get out through his coughs. Chanyeol slapped him between the shoulder blades until he could steadily get air into his lungs again.
“Baekhyun has been on this blogging kick, he uses some sight called tumble or whatever. All he does is post selfies of him and pictures of food. I don’t get it, but he seems to love it.” Chanyeol shrugged off the comment as if it was no big deal.
“Hmm, yeah, I think you mean Tumblr, I have one, but I never use it.” Jongdae hoped to god that Chanyeol couldn’t hear the waver in his voice.
“Maybe you should consider it; I think people would really like you. You have a way with storytelling, you know,” Chanyeol said as he read the sleeve of one of the books on Kyungsoo’s list.
“Ha, yeah, I’ll keep that in mind.”
***
Entry Date: 4/16/2014
Time Posted: 1:12 P.M.
Hi guys, its lunch time here. My friends all ditched me for something or other so I am sitting in the café talking to you. I got an anon message today in my inbox and I wanted to respond to it. It read:
Hi Chen, I have been following your blog for about a month now. You stories and experiences in college have definitely given me some insight to my own college experience and I can CERTAINLY relate to a lot of them. A couple of days you posted about your first party, I was wondering if you could tell us (because I am sure we are all thinking it) why you never told your crush it was you he was kissing?
To put it simply, I never told him because I knew it would kill him to know that it was me he kissed, and not the love of his life. Signing off, Chen.
***
Entry Date: 4/16/2014
Time Posted: 6:58 P.M.
I got another anon message. I am assumed from the same person. This one reads:
Sorry to bother you, but I was wondering why you never made a move on him?
Well, I never made a move on him because I was never the one he wanted. He got what he wanted and I learned to live with it. I had a head start because I had been doing it since high school.
That was all that the note said. It was left on his pillow and Baekhyun knew it was from Chanyeol simply because of the messy handwriting. There was no mistaking Chanyeol's childlike characters as he scribbled across the page. He picked up the note and slung a sweater over his shoulder before walking out of his room. He walked through campus, following the paved roads until he came to the back of the science center. Only him and Chanyeol knew about the hole in the fence that leads there. It was nothing special; the grass was long and untrimmed. No had been there in months and it was their favorite spot. They would meet there some nights and watch the sunset together; they would study after class in the silence of the cove, knowing they wouldn't be disturbed. There were trees surrounding the grassy center and it was perfect. Perfect for them.
Baekhyun crawled through the hole in the fence, expecting to find Chanyeol with some homework he couldn't work out. What he was met with was a picnic blanket, a basket, with what he assumed to be sandwiches, and an awkward Chanyeol who stood upon his arrival. Chanyeol still had grass in his hands from pulling at it, a nervous habit of his. Baekhyun walked over to him.
"What is all of this?" He asked.
Chanyeol continued to play with the grass in his hands, tugging at the blades delicately but still snapping them.
"Do you want to sit?" Chanyeol asked, his voice a little unsteady. "I brought sandwiches!" He says excitedly before plopping down on the checkered blanket.
Baekhyun walked over to him and sat down, peeking under the cover the see two foil wrapped sandwiches from his favorite shop on campus.
"What's all of this about, Chan?" Baekhyun raised an eyebrow suspiciously. He watched as Chanyeol just pulled up more grass without actually answering his question. Baekhyun put a hand over his but Chanyeol pulled away. "What's wrong?" Baekhyun asked, trying hard not to feel offended by the gesture.
"I've known you for some time now, Baekhyun," Chanyeol started and Baekhyun was unsure of where he was going with this. "And, for a while now," he paused to breathe deeply, trying to steady himself and make sense of the jumble of words in his head. Chanyeol looked up at him, his eyes wide, "and I have liked you a lot for a while now." He said in one breath. He breathed deeply, his face getting red from embarrassment. Baekhyun punched him in the shoulder, "I like you too, you big idiot."
Chanyeol shook his head, "no, Baekhyun, I don't think you understand."
"What do you mean?" Baekhyun asked, confusion written all over his face. Chanyeol reached across the empty space between them to cup his cheek in his hand. Baekhyun couldn't help but feel tingles as he realized that his cheek fits perfectly in Chanyeol's hand. Chanyeol pulled him closer, their faces are only inches apart. He opened and closed his mouth to speak before settling on looking into Baekhyun's eyes.
"For a while now, I've been in love with you."
Before Baekhyun had a chance to respond he was pulled into a kiss. Chanyeol's mouth working over his nervously and confidently at the same time. Baekhyun closed his eyes, leaning into the kiss. He pulled back first, staring at Chanyeol's face. Chanyeol was red from his chest to the tips of his ears, his eyes were glazed over but he still managed to worry his lower lip between his teeth.
"Chanyeol, I've been waiting for you to do that for months now." Baekhyun didn't wait for a response. He leaned in and kissed him again. He was ready for this.
So basically, they were happy and in love, and I was stuck wishing that it was me. But it’s okay, because I am happy that they are happy. Anyway, I have some homework to do, so I will talk to you guys soon. This phrase saved me my freshman year, so smile guys, because you never know who else is going to need one. Signing off, Chen.
***
“I’m sorry,” Chanyeol said. Jongdae stared at him from across the table. He didn’t know why Chanyeol asked him to meet him so suddenly, and he didn’t know what he was apologizing for.
“I don’t understand?”
“I’m sorry I never knew,” Chanyeol said, looking up into Jongdae’s face.
“I don’t know what you are talking about…” Jongdae trailed off, coming to the realization that Chanyeol was talking about his blog. He waited for him to say it.
“I’m sorry that I don’t love you… Chen.” Chanyeol set his coffee cup down, his face was flush and his hands were shaky.
“How long have you known?” Jongdae’s voice was barely above a whisper.
“Well, I had a hunch after your ‘first party’ post, but I knew for sure when you started responding to my anon messages.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I didn’t know how, I mean, how do I just go up to my best friend and say ‘hey I follow your blog and I know you’re in love with me’?” Chanyeol’s ands were flailing as he spoke and Jongdae could tell he was really concerned.
“It’s okay, you know?”
“What is?”
“That you don’t feel the same way,.” Jongdae sighed, he reached across the table and squeezed Chanyeol’s shoulder. “I knew you would never feel the same way, and I don’t blame you. I’ve made peace with it.”
“I want you to know, that when we were at that party… I knew it was you.”
“What?” Jongdae breathed out, shock written all over his face.
Chanyeol sighed. He carded his fingers through his hair, messing up the long black strands. “I was really drunk, and when it happened, I didn’t know what I was doing. But when I woke up the next morning, and I saw those bruises all over you, I started to remember. They were fuzzy, but I knew what I had done.”
“Why didn’t you say anything to me?” Jongdae was in utter shock as he came to the realization that all of these years Chanyeol knew about the party.
“I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea. I know it sounds stupid, but I thought if I owned up to the fact that it was me you would think that I had feeling for you when truth be told I was just really drunk and really horny.”
“I see,” Jongdae said, averting his eyes to the floor.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” Chanyeol sighed, “I just meant that, I didn’t want you to think that I had feelings for you. I loved Baekhyun that almost as much as I love him now. I thought that if I told you the truth, you would think that it was because I wanted to be with you…”
“I’ve always known that you love Baekhyun, and I was never planning on taking you from him,” Jongdae said, feeling a little offended.
“I know that now, and I’m sorry, but you’re still my best friend, right?” Chanyeol raised his eyebrows hopefully.
“I dunno man, I don’t think I can be friend with someone who thinks I am a home wrecker.” Jongdae’s voice lilted between seriousness and teasing.
“Oh, I… I understand,” Chanyeol stood from his seat, “I guess, I will see you are then man, and for the record, I really am sorry.” Chanyeol started walking towards the door. Jongdae waited for him to get outside before he went barreling after him. He jumped on his back and gave him a noogie.
“What the hell, man?” Chanyeol screamed, throwing Jongdae from his back.
Jongdae laughed, “Honestly, I would never give up a best friend like you.”
“Really man?” Chanyeol asked.
“Of course, you have been my best friend for eight years, and you are NEVER getting rid of me.” Jongdae laughed maniacally.
“This is going to be a long lifetime,” Chanyeol said, laughing as the two of them went to meet their other friends. Their family.
***
Entry Date: 4/17/2014
Time Posted: 4:18 P.M.
I want to share a story with you guys. There once was a boy who was in love with his best friend. His best friend never felt the same about him. The boy felt as if he had been cheated somehow. That he was given an unfair hand in life. And I mean, who could blame him? Well, one day, he realized, that maybe his hand wasn’t so bad after all. So he wasn’t holding four aces, but what he was holding, was a full house. This house consisted of him and his three best friends. And boy did they have some stories to tell. As they begin preparations for graduation, finishing up their final exams, they realize, that life is short, and you can’t spend it fretting over heartbreak, but you should spend it making memories, good and bad, because the good wouldn’t be so important if you didn’t have the bad to counter it. So, smile guys, because you never know who else is going to need one. Signing off, Chen.
***
Author: doyouseemeyet
Recipient: greytipped
Pairing/Focus: OT4
Rating: R
Length: 5,821
Summary: Blogs are for girls… and Jongdae’s college stories.
Entry Date: 4/12/2014
Time Posted: 12:44 A.M.
Hello followers, I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while. I want to thank some of you for the e-mails you sent checking to see if I am okay. I am, in fact, okay, just preparing for my graduation from college, WOO! So, since I am preparing for the end of my college career, I want to go back to one of the first college experiences I ever had. You all know my policy about names, I don’t use them to keep the privacy of my friends, so don’t ask! Anyways! It was my freshman year and the fall semester had just started. I decided that I was going to go to a party with my three best friends. One of which I had had the biggest crush on since high school.
"Yeollie," Jongdae slurs in between sips of his drink. The amount of alcohol he had actually consumed was unknown to him, but he knew it was a lot.
"Hey, Jongdae," Chanyeol responded, equally as drunk.
"Let's play a game!"
"Sure!" An excited puppy leapt out of his seat and stumbled over to where Jongdae was sitting.
This was their first college party and although the house was crowded with people, there were only about twelve of them in the small bedroom. Beer cans and red solo cups littered the floor and furniture. Jongdae was sober enough to be grateful for the bathroom in the room otherwise there would be vomit stains as well.
"What are we playing?" Chanyeol asks excitedly, looking around the circle.
"How about 7 minutes in heaven?" Baekhyun proposes. He winks at Kyungsoo, his recent boyfriend. Kyungsoo blushes and hides behind a squealing girl.
Jongdae chugged down the last of his beer bottle and placed it in the center of the circle, "who wants to go first?"
"I do!" Baekhyun squeaked, knowing just what to do with the bottle (after years of practice) to make it land exactly on Kyungsoo. They both stood up and Baekhyun threw him on the bed which received several groans from the crowd.
"Get a room!" Chanyeol screamed throwing an empty cup at them but they were so into each other that they didn’t car. Jongdae cleared his throat, trying to hide the small boner he was getting from seeing Kyungsoo so aggressive.
"I don't think they are coming up for any time soon... So who wants to go next?"
"I'll go," Chanyeol announced, reaching across the floor to grab hold of the bottle. He looked a little sad and Jongdae didn't know why, but he couldn't tell if Chanyeol was actually sad or if his alcohol was playing tricks on him.
Chanyeol spun the bottle pretty solidly for a drunk guy and it took some time before it started to slow. Chanyeol was worrying his lower lip between his teeth while waiting to see who it would land on. He watched as the bottle came to a full stop in front of a very pretty Sehun. She stood up, smoothing out her tight leather skirt before pulling an eager Chanyeol into the small closet. The rest of the group chatted while they waited for the seven minutes to pass. Jongdae stared at the impossibly slow changing minutes on his phone. The second the clock changed he screamed for them to get out.
Chanyeol walked out of the closet, hair ruffled, lips swollen, and shirt pulled out of his pants. He was holding Sehun's hand as they walked out and she blew him a kiss as they took their respective seats in the circle. Chanyeol had a dazed look in his eyes as he carded his fingers through his hair. Jongdae stared at the redness around his mouth, half from the kissing and half from Sehun's lipstick. He felt a pang in his heart that he didn't understand, something he couldn't identify except for maybe sadness.
"My turn!" He said trying to sound excited while his stomach churned at the thought of Chanyeol kissing someone else. He reached across the circle, grabbing the bottle from the center. He sat down on his knees and spun the bottle. He could lie to himself and say it didn’t matter who it landed on, but he knew that he was praying to God that it was Chanyeol. The bottle turned quickly at first but then slowed, but it seemed to never stop. Jongdae watched as it went round and round, his heart pounded in his ears. Jongdae closed his eyes, unable to look.
"Well I guess it's me again," a deep voice rumbles next to him. His heart skips a beat as he opens his eyes to see Chanyeol already standing from his seat, hand extended toward Jongdae.
"Hey, Sehun, looks like you've got some competition," a girl next to her says, Jongdae thinks her name is Luhan.
Jongdae takes hold of Chanyeol's large hand. It was warm and strong and he could feel himself swooning at the touch. Chanyeol pulled him up from his seat, and Jongdae couldn't feel his feet. He walked in a daze toward the closet, a feeling of warmth washing over him.
"Get it, Jongdae!" Baekhyun managed to come up for air long enough to scream be for turning back to his boyfriend.
Once inside the dark closet Jongdae turns to face what he thinks is Chanyeol. "We don't have to do anything, if you don-" Jongdae was cut off by heavy lips crushing his own. His mouth was still open from mid-speech and Chanyeol took the opportunity to slip his tongue in, working it smoothly over his teeth. Jongdae pulled away, panting heavily.
"What's wrong?" Chanyeol asks, his fingers tugging him closer by his hair. Chanyeol sucked at the pulse on his neck causing Jongdae to moan.
"Mmm, Baekhyun, I love it when you moan like that," Chanyeol whispered in between biting down on his neck and collar bone. Jongdae felt his heart clench at the name slip, but he wasn't going to stop now. If Chanyeol wanted him to be Baekhyun, that's what he would do. He moaned again for effect and he could feel Chanyeol's boner pressing against his own.
Jongdae could feel the air leave the small closet as he gasped for breath. Chanyeol was palming at his growing member and all he could think about was how good it would feel to have his mouth around him. He pushed back the thought, feeling himself get too excited too quickly. Jongdae lost track of time, caught up in the feeling of Chanyeol’s swollen lips against his own. He knew there were bruises on his neck and wrists. Chanyeol’s rough hands grabbed at him eagerly, pulling at the skin around his hips. He pushed him against the wall and Jongdae could almost feel the imprint of his fingers on his hip bones. He would check for damage later, for now, all that mattered was the burning sensation in his gut. He was so caught up he didn’t hear time being called. Bright light flooded the closet as the door was swung open, an amused Kyungsoo and Baekhyun gaped at the pair in the doorway. Both hard, both swollen and bruised, both too drunk to realize what had just happened. Or at least, that’s what he thought.
It was a rough time for me… and it definitely didn’t get easier in the morning.
The headache pounding behind his left eye was more than enough to wake Jongdae up let alone Chanyeol throwing a pillow at his head. Jongdae groaned from his spot on the floor (the bed was occupied by a very busy Baekhyun and Kyungsoo) he sat up and was met with a cross between gasps and giggles from Baekhyun.
“What’s the matter?” Jongdae asked, he scrunched his eyebrows in confusion, the throbbing in his head got worse as a form of resistance.
“Go look in the mirror.” Kyungsoo’s hand covered his mouth as he tried to hide the quiet snickers.
Jongdae stood up, and doubled over because his head was not having that. When the room stopped spinning he straightened out his back gradually. He looked around the room slowly for a mirror and Baekhyun pointed to the full length one on the closet door. He gasped at the sight of himself. His hair looked like someone had been trying to pull it out; his lips were red and split. His neck was a rainbow of blues and purples and his shirt was torn at the top.
“What happened to me?” He whispered at the mirror. He felt a sharp panging in his lower half and he unbuttoned his shirt to see larger bruises, the size of fingers, pressed into his hips. He slowly brought his fingertips to the sensitive skin and inhaled sharply. His memories from the night before were fuzzy but he knew exactly who had done this to him. Chanyeol.
Chanyeol walked out of the bathroom and threw his head back in uproarious laughter. “What the hell happened to you?” He asked, pointing at the mess that was Kim Jongdae. Kyungsoo and Baekhyun shared a look of puzzlement, but Jongdae just stared at him. He didn’t remember. He didn’t remember because he wasn’t with Jongdae last night, he was with Baekhyun.
That was my amazing ‘first college party’. And let me tell you, it did not get any better from there. Oh my god it was awful. I can’t believe I even did that. I also can’t believe I never told him that it was really me he was with that night. I couldn’t break his heart like that. Even though he was breaking mine. It didn’t matter. Eventually he got what he wanted… and I just kept my mouth shut. I’ve made peace with it. So smile guys, because you never know who else is going to need one. Signing off, Chen.
***
“Hey, Jongdae,” Kyungsoo called as he made his way over to their usual table. Baekhyun and Chanyeol followed close behind, hands interlocked, as per usual. Jongdae shut down his computer, putting it in his case and sliding it into his backpack.
“What were you working on there?” Chanyeol asked curiously as they reached the table.
“Just a research paper for my science capstone. You know how Huang is about his deadlines.” Jongdae brushed off the question even though Chanyeol continued staring at him. Something about his gaze made Jongdae uncomfortable; he squirmed around in his seat, avoiding eye contact. Thank God Baekhyun started asking Chanyeol about something else because Jongdae thought he was going to explode.
“What’s going on with you?” Kyungsoo whispered, squeezing his thigh with his knee.
“Nothing,” Jongdae put on a smile, hoping it was enough to quell Soo’s curiosity. He breathed a little easier when Kyungsoo let go of his leg and Chanyeol was engrossed in q conversation with Baekhyun. He told himself not to worry because they didn’t even know about his blog.
They wrapped up their lunch, empty sandwich containers were piled on the table. Drink bottles were stowed in backpack compartments. They all stood, starting to head in their own separate directions. “Jongdae! Wait up!” Jongdae stopped in his tracks. A cold sweat broke out on his forehead. He tried to calm down his heartbeat and practice a smile as Chanyeol jogged up behind him.
“What’s up, Yeol?” Jongdae asked, trying to keep his voice steady.
“I wanted to ask you something.” His eyes seemed like they knew too much and Jongdae was starting to feel uneasy again.
“Sure, what’s up?”
“Kyungsoo’s birthday is coming up, and I have no idea what to get him. And you two are pretty close, right?” Chanyeol smiled as if everything was okay and Jongdae laughed to mask his relief.
“Sure, I’ll help you. How about we meet after class and go to the book store? His amazon wish list is in the hundreds and I know the campus store carries some of them.”
“Thanks, Jongdae, I’ll see you then.” Chanyeol waved behind him as he ran in a different leaving Jongdae to his own thoughts. He cursed himself for acting so suspiciously but breathed easier knowing that it was only about something silly.
***
Entry Date: 4/14/2014
Time Posted: 8:50 P.M.
So, today my friend (yes the one I have a huge crush on) came up to me after lunch. I was typing up my blog post for today, which has now been entirely rearranged because I just HAD to tell you guys all about this. He was acting particularly strange and all I could think was ‘God, he knows that this is MY blog and he read my blog post from the other night.’ Well, let me start by saying, I am the world’s biggest loser because he only wanted to ask me about roommate’s birthday. So, I wanted to tell you guys some stuff about my roommate. He used to date C’s current boyfriend of three years. (For any of my new followers, C is the name of the boy that I love.) Anyways, it was kind of sad the way they ended, I know my roommate really loved him, and sometimes I think he still does…
"Baekhyun, I can't keep doing this anymore," Kyungsoo says, the ground suddenly becoming more important than his face.
Baekhyun stared at him, breathless, "what?"
"You don't want to be with me anymore," there were fresh tears in Kyungsoo's eyes as he met his own. Baekhyun could see this was hard for him. He watched, waiting to see if he was going to say more. When he didn't say anything else Baekhyun just stared at him, unsure of what to say himself.
"Why do you think that?" He decides that’s a safe response but when he sees the pain in Kyungsoo's eyes he knows what’s coming next.
"Chanyeol," he chokes out, looking away to hide the free falling tears.
"What about him?"
"He loves you," Kyungsoo refuses to meet his eyes at all. He just wipes at the stray tears on his cheeks and the snot that was dripping from his nose. Baekhyun had the urge to comfort him like he always did, but he knew not to touch him right now. He knew he was right.
"But that doesn't mean I love him," Baekhyun says, looking at his hands in his lap.
Kyungsoo's head snapped up, staring at Baekhyun incredulously. "I remember when you were in love with me Baek. I know what it looks like." Kyungsoo had steeled himself for that moment, staring hard into Baekhyun's face. Baekhyun could feeling him boring holes into the top of his head but he just continued folding and unfolding his hands in his lap.
"I'm sorry," he whispers, knowing there is nothing else to say. Kyungsoo was right and they both knew it. The sharp intake of breath at his unspoken confession was still enough to send chills down Baekhyun's spine.
"I still love you, Baekhyun, but I hope you are happy with him. I'll see you in class tomorrow." Kyungsoo walked out of the room. His back was hunched over and he looked tired. It was always too much for him. Baekhyun watched from his bed as he shut the door behind him, almost relieved. It was too much for him too.
My roommate was not himself after that. He practically locked himself in his room except to go to class. He didn’t speak to any of us. It was rough, seeing him like that, I mean. I wanted help. And he was my roommate, my best friend, what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t leave him like that forever, so I made the mistake of trying to help him.
“I expect assignments to be turned into me by the end of the week.” Kyungsoo snickered as he drunkenly mocked his photography teacher. Jongdae, finding the stern impression hysterical burst out into laughter that made him spill his beer all over himself. Both of them stared at the soaked clothing before bursting into another fit, rolling around on their bedroom floor in drunken happiness.
“I mean honestly,” Kyungsoo slurred, “how am I supposed to find an attractive male model by the end of the week? Baekhyun was supposed to do it…” Kyungsoo stared at the inside of his beer can before chugging the rest of the contents. Jongdae positioned himself up on his elbow, his head lolling a bit to the side. He stared at Kyungsoo watching as sadness hit him in waves and then rolled away, flowing back into the corners of his mind. Jongdae knew that the break-up had been hard on him; he was willing to do anything to help.
“What if I model for you?” Jongdae offered, watching Kyungsoo for a response.
“I can’t ask you to do that.”
“But why not? I’m offering! Am I not hot enough?” Jongdae asked teasingly, smirking his smirk that drove his roommate insane. He started beat boxing, terribly, as he pretended to stip. Kyungsoo must have found it the funniest sight because the next thing he knew beer was coming out of his nose. Kyungsoo flopped around on the bed, laughing so hard that no noise came out except for a slight wheeze here and there. Jongdae laughed too, sitting down on the bed next to his friend, his hands tangled in his hair.
“What are you doing?” Kyungsoo asked, sobering up quickly as Jongdae’s hand found the button on his pants.
“You want Baekhyun, I want Chanyeol, but all we have is each other, so why don’t we make something of it?”
“I don’t think we should do this,” Kyungsoo said, shuffling his way up the headboard and out of Jongdae’s grasp.
“Why not?” Jongdae smirked again. “If I’m going to be your model, shouldn’t you be familiar with my body?” He didn’t wait for a response before pressing his mouth against his roommate’s. Lips sliding over each other softly before deepening the kiss.
Kyungsoo pushed him off, “this doesn’t feel right, Jongdae.”
“Then let me make it feel better,” He said, sliding himself down Kyungsoo’s lean body, coming face to face with the small tent in his pants. He loosened his shoulders, bringing his head down, his mouth pressing against the rough denim. He kissed Kyungsoo’s growing member through the fabric, eliciting small moans from his friend. He unbuttoned his pants, pulling them down to is knees. Kyungsoo was fully excited and peeking out from the hole in his boxers. Jongdae leaned in, licking at the fluid pooling in his slit. The sounds that responded were sinful. He moaned as Jongdae took the tip in his mouth, sucking just hard enough to feel the pressure.
Kyungsoo hurriedly helped Jongdae remove his boxers, pulling them down just far enough so that he could stand erect. Jongdae just stared at him in silence; the cold air caused Kyungsoo’s skin to get goose bumps. Kyungsoo reached out to touch himself, feeling self-conscious, but his hand was swatted away. Kyungsoo coughed, feeling uncomfortable under Jongdae’s scrutinizing gaze. He watched in rapt attention as Jongdae put his forefinger in his mouth, slicking it with saliva, the image was so suggestive e that it had Kyungsoo clutching the sheets as the pressure built in his belly. Jongdae could see on his face that he was coming close without even being touched; he pulled his finger out of his mouth and applied pressure with his finger and thumb at the base of his cock. Kyungsoo felt the pressure subside, thankful that he didn’t embarrass himself entirely. Jongdae’s slick finger traveled up from his base to his tip; his nail grazing the vein that ran the underside of his cock. Kyungsoo felt pleasure wash over him in waves of chills.
His heart was pounding his chest and he was sure it was going to pop out at any moment. The thoughts in his head were so loud that they were making him dizzy. His eyelids fluttered closed as his head hit the back of the headboard. He tried to cancel out the accusations in his mind and focus on Jongdae’s lips sliding up and down his hard member. Everything felt wrong. He could feel the soft, warm inside of Jongdae’s mouth on his skin but he couldn’t feel any of the pleasure that went along with it. Tears started to fall from the corners of his eyes, sliding down his face in silent sorrow. Jongdae was pulling faster and harder on his cock, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Kyungsoo’s hips bucked reflexively as he came down the back of Jongdae’s throat. More tears streaming down his face. Jongdae pulled himself up, licking at the white droplets on his lips and chin. He smiled at Kyungsoo who only felt even dizzier. He was gasping for air, feeling choked inside his own mind. Tears kept coming down his face the more he tried to stop them. Sobs wracked his body as memories flooded his vision. He wasn’t in his room anymore, he was with Baekhyun. Wide smiles, pale skin, soft touches, fevered kisses.
“Kyungsoo,” Jongdae’s voice sounded like it was under water. Kyungsoo felt his body being shaken back and forth and his memories faded as he came to. His face was wet with tears and he was cold from being completely exposed. His head was throbbing and he couldn’t tell if it was from his crying or because he was coming down from his orgasm.
“Kyungsoo, what’s wrong?” Jongdae asked, concern written all over his face. He stared into Kyungsoo’s eyes which were pink and swollen almost completely shut.
“I can’t do this to him.” Kyungsoo wiped at the snot spilling from his nose.
“To who?”
“Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo breathed out the name like it has been years since he had spoken it. The name itself caused a dull ache in his heart. Kyungsoo looked up at Jongdae, who seemed confused. “We can’t do this anymore,” Kyungsoo said, watching as Jongdae’s eyes softened.
“Soo,” Jongdae’s voice was soft, and almost pleading. He needed him. Kyungsoo was his best friend in so many ways; he needed him for this too, even if it wasn’t real.
“I’m sorry, Jongdae.” Kyungsoo rubbed the rest of the tears from his eyes. He pulled his pants back up, thankful to be covered. He couldn’t cheat on Baekhyun like this, not with his best friend, not with anyone. He knew Jongdae understood, at least, he hoped he did.
I have to admit, it was kind of a blow to my ego to see him break down like that. I mean, him and his boyfriend had been over for months, his ex had moved on, why couldn’t he? But I had to make myself understand. For his sake. He was my best friend, and I was not going to lose him over a drunken blowjob. I still modeled for him, and let me just tell you, he got an A. All in all, the friendship survived, but I really don’t know how any of us made it through freshman year. Just remember, smile guys, because you never know who else is going to need one. Signing off, Chen.
***
“Have you ever considered blogging?” The question caused Jongdae to choke on his coffee as him and Chanyeol strolled through the campus book store.
“What?” He managed to get out through his coughs. Chanyeol slapped him between the shoulder blades until he could steadily get air into his lungs again.
“Baekhyun has been on this blogging kick, he uses some sight called tumble or whatever. All he does is post selfies of him and pictures of food. I don’t get it, but he seems to love it.” Chanyeol shrugged off the comment as if it was no big deal.
“Hmm, yeah, I think you mean Tumblr, I have one, but I never use it.” Jongdae hoped to god that Chanyeol couldn’t hear the waver in his voice.
“Maybe you should consider it; I think people would really like you. You have a way with storytelling, you know,” Chanyeol said as he read the sleeve of one of the books on Kyungsoo’s list.
“Ha, yeah, I’ll keep that in mind.”
***
Entry Date: 4/16/2014
Time Posted: 1:12 P.M.
Hi guys, its lunch time here. My friends all ditched me for something or other so I am sitting in the café talking to you. I got an anon message today in my inbox and I wanted to respond to it. It read:
Hi Chen, I have been following your blog for about a month now. You stories and experiences in college have definitely given me some insight to my own college experience and I can CERTAINLY relate to a lot of them. A couple of days you posted about your first party, I was wondering if you could tell us (because I am sure we are all thinking it) why you never told your crush it was you he was kissing?
To put it simply, I never told him because I knew it would kill him to know that it was me he kissed, and not the love of his life. Signing off, Chen.
***
Entry Date: 4/16/2014
Time Posted: 6:58 P.M.
I got another anon message. I am assumed from the same person. This one reads:
Sorry to bother you, but I was wondering why you never made a move on him?
Well, I never made a move on him because I was never the one he wanted. He got what he wanted and I learned to live with it. I had a head start because I had been doing it since high school.
That was all that the note said. It was left on his pillow and Baekhyun knew it was from Chanyeol simply because of the messy handwriting. There was no mistaking Chanyeol's childlike characters as he scribbled across the page. He picked up the note and slung a sweater over his shoulder before walking out of his room. He walked through campus, following the paved roads until he came to the back of the science center. Only him and Chanyeol knew about the hole in the fence that leads there. It was nothing special; the grass was long and untrimmed. No had been there in months and it was their favorite spot. They would meet there some nights and watch the sunset together; they would study after class in the silence of the cove, knowing they wouldn't be disturbed. There were trees surrounding the grassy center and it was perfect. Perfect for them.
Baekhyun crawled through the hole in the fence, expecting to find Chanyeol with some homework he couldn't work out. What he was met with was a picnic blanket, a basket, with what he assumed to be sandwiches, and an awkward Chanyeol who stood upon his arrival. Chanyeol still had grass in his hands from pulling at it, a nervous habit of his. Baekhyun walked over to him.
"What is all of this?" He asked.
Chanyeol continued to play with the grass in his hands, tugging at the blades delicately but still snapping them.
"Do you want to sit?" Chanyeol asked, his voice a little unsteady. "I brought sandwiches!" He says excitedly before plopping down on the checkered blanket.
Baekhyun walked over to him and sat down, peeking under the cover the see two foil wrapped sandwiches from his favorite shop on campus.
"What's all of this about, Chan?" Baekhyun raised an eyebrow suspiciously. He watched as Chanyeol just pulled up more grass without actually answering his question. Baekhyun put a hand over his but Chanyeol pulled away. "What's wrong?" Baekhyun asked, trying hard not to feel offended by the gesture.
"I've known you for some time now, Baekhyun," Chanyeol started and Baekhyun was unsure of where he was going with this. "And, for a while now," he paused to breathe deeply, trying to steady himself and make sense of the jumble of words in his head. Chanyeol looked up at him, his eyes wide, "and I have liked you a lot for a while now." He said in one breath. He breathed deeply, his face getting red from embarrassment. Baekhyun punched him in the shoulder, "I like you too, you big idiot."
Chanyeol shook his head, "no, Baekhyun, I don't think you understand."
"What do you mean?" Baekhyun asked, confusion written all over his face. Chanyeol reached across the empty space between them to cup his cheek in his hand. Baekhyun couldn't help but feel tingles as he realized that his cheek fits perfectly in Chanyeol's hand. Chanyeol pulled him closer, their faces are only inches apart. He opened and closed his mouth to speak before settling on looking into Baekhyun's eyes.
"For a while now, I've been in love with you."
Before Baekhyun had a chance to respond he was pulled into a kiss. Chanyeol's mouth working over his nervously and confidently at the same time. Baekhyun closed his eyes, leaning into the kiss. He pulled back first, staring at Chanyeol's face. Chanyeol was red from his chest to the tips of his ears, his eyes were glazed over but he still managed to worry his lower lip between his teeth.
"Chanyeol, I've been waiting for you to do that for months now." Baekhyun didn't wait for a response. He leaned in and kissed him again. He was ready for this.
So basically, they were happy and in love, and I was stuck wishing that it was me. But it’s okay, because I am happy that they are happy. Anyway, I have some homework to do, so I will talk to you guys soon. This phrase saved me my freshman year, so smile guys, because you never know who else is going to need one. Signing off, Chen.
***
“I’m sorry,” Chanyeol said. Jongdae stared at him from across the table. He didn’t know why Chanyeol asked him to meet him so suddenly, and he didn’t know what he was apologizing for.
“I don’t understand?”
“I’m sorry I never knew,” Chanyeol said, looking up into Jongdae’s face.
“I don’t know what you are talking about…” Jongdae trailed off, coming to the realization that Chanyeol was talking about his blog. He waited for him to say it.
“I’m sorry that I don’t love you… Chen.” Chanyeol set his coffee cup down, his face was flush and his hands were shaky.
“How long have you known?” Jongdae’s voice was barely above a whisper.
“Well, I had a hunch after your ‘first party’ post, but I knew for sure when you started responding to my anon messages.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I didn’t know how, I mean, how do I just go up to my best friend and say ‘hey I follow your blog and I know you’re in love with me’?” Chanyeol’s ands were flailing as he spoke and Jongdae could tell he was really concerned.
“It’s okay, you know?”
“What is?”
“That you don’t feel the same way,.” Jongdae sighed, he reached across the table and squeezed Chanyeol’s shoulder. “I knew you would never feel the same way, and I don’t blame you. I’ve made peace with it.”
“I want you to know, that when we were at that party… I knew it was you.”
“What?” Jongdae breathed out, shock written all over his face.
Chanyeol sighed. He carded his fingers through his hair, messing up the long black strands. “I was really drunk, and when it happened, I didn’t know what I was doing. But when I woke up the next morning, and I saw those bruises all over you, I started to remember. They were fuzzy, but I knew what I had done.”
“Why didn’t you say anything to me?” Jongdae was in utter shock as he came to the realization that all of these years Chanyeol knew about the party.
“I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea. I know it sounds stupid, but I thought if I owned up to the fact that it was me you would think that I had feeling for you when truth be told I was just really drunk and really horny.”
“I see,” Jongdae said, averting his eyes to the floor.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” Chanyeol sighed, “I just meant that, I didn’t want you to think that I had feelings for you. I loved Baekhyun that almost as much as I love him now. I thought that if I told you the truth, you would think that it was because I wanted to be with you…”
“I’ve always known that you love Baekhyun, and I was never planning on taking you from him,” Jongdae said, feeling a little offended.
“I know that now, and I’m sorry, but you’re still my best friend, right?” Chanyeol raised his eyebrows hopefully.
“I dunno man, I don’t think I can be friend with someone who thinks I am a home wrecker.” Jongdae’s voice lilted between seriousness and teasing.
“Oh, I… I understand,” Chanyeol stood from his seat, “I guess, I will see you are then man, and for the record, I really am sorry.” Chanyeol started walking towards the door. Jongdae waited for him to get outside before he went barreling after him. He jumped on his back and gave him a noogie.
“What the hell, man?” Chanyeol screamed, throwing Jongdae from his back.
Jongdae laughed, “Honestly, I would never give up a best friend like you.”
“Really man?” Chanyeol asked.
“Of course, you have been my best friend for eight years, and you are NEVER getting rid of me.” Jongdae laughed maniacally.
“This is going to be a long lifetime,” Chanyeol said, laughing as the two of them went to meet their other friends. Their family.
***
Entry Date: 4/17/2014
Time Posted: 4:18 P.M.
I want to share a story with you guys. There once was a boy who was in love with his best friend. His best friend never felt the same about him. The boy felt as if he had been cheated somehow. That he was given an unfair hand in life. And I mean, who could blame him? Well, one day, he realized, that maybe his hand wasn’t so bad after all. So he wasn’t holding four aces, but what he was holding, was a full house. This house consisted of him and his three best friends. And boy did they have some stories to tell. As they begin preparations for graduation, finishing up their final exams, they realize, that life is short, and you can’t spend it fretting over heartbreak, but you should spend it making memories, good and bad, because the good wouldn’t be so important if you didn’t have the bad to counter it. So, smile guys, because you never know who else is going to need one. Signing off, Chen.
***